RedHanded – ShortHand: Valentine’s Special (with Abi Clarke)

Date: February 17, 2026
Hosts: Sriti Jha, Hannah George
Special Guest: Abi Clarke (Comedian and true crime "super fan")

Episode Overview

This Valentine’s Day special of "ShortHand" trades gruesome whodunits for comedic confessions of the heart (and occasional humiliation). Joined by comedian Abi Clarke, hosts Sriti and Hannah lean into the mess and awkwardness of modern dating: terrible first dates, heartbreaks, romantic disappointments, and listener-submitted disasters. Expect rapid-fire icebreakers, witty self-effacement, and candid, hilarious stories that remind us all how strange and cringe-worthy love can really get.

Tone: Light, irreverent, confessional, and self-aware—podcast hosts and guest poke fun at themselves and at the excesses of romance and dating culture.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Valentine’s Day Vibes & Introductions

• [01:50] Abi Clarke is welcomed as guest; she confesses, “I’m a comedian, I guess... but I’m also just a true crime super fan.”
• [02:47] Abi jokes about finally "making it" by being on the podcast:
  • Abi Clarke: “I’ve made it. This is it. I can be murdered on the way home now. I’ve made it.”
  • Sriti: “Don’t you fucking think about it.”

2. Celebrity Crush Cutouts: Macabre Romance

• [03:28] The trio share their chosen ‘crime-adjacent’ crushes, part of their Valentine’s tradition.
  • Sriti: Tom Hardy, specifically as Reggie in "Legend" — “It has to be Tom Hardy as Reggie, not Ronnie… Oh, look how hot he is.” [03:39]
  • Abi: Initially Tom Holland (“sucker for a boy who can backflip”) but lands on Andrew Garfield.
  • Abi: “Then I realized... I fell so deeply in love with Andrew Garfield… I guess both. Spider Man. Spider Man.” [04:38]
  • Running gag about celebrity crushes devolving into jokes about being on a Netflix special through true crime.

3. "Empty Handeds" – Listener Date Stories

• [05:40] What are ‘empty handeds’?
  • Short-lived segment resurrected here. Listeners submit worst date or confession stories—leading to fresh, unpredictable content.

4. Personal Horror Stories: Staying Too Long on Bad Dates

• [06:59] Abi admits she can never leave bad dates early:
  • Abi: “I can’t leave... Even if I don’t like them, I need them to like me. So I put on a real show.”
• [08:27] Abi’s bad kiss escape story:
  • A date tries biting her lip on a first kiss.
  • Her solution? “I now tell that story on first dates. So I say I have a no kiss on the first date rule now.” [09:48]

5. Love Icebreakers: This or That

• [10:15] "Consistent but boring OR exciting and unreliable?"
  • Abi: “Unfortunately, exciting and unreliable. But I wish we could have exciting and consistent... I can’t do boring.”
  • Sriti: Relays a restaurant eavesdropping story about people truly enjoying a boring date. [11:02]
• [11:44] “Hot and unemployed OR average with hefty inheritance?”
  • Abi: “Um, hot. No employees—as long as they have a hobby... The gym is not a hobby. It’s a chore.” [11:48–12:03]

Memorable Listener Stories and Reactions

1. "You Broke Him" – The Broken Penis Fiasco

• [15:42–18:01] Jules, 52 (recounting at 17):
  • Describes an over-enthusiastic boyfriend and a painful mishap:
    "Go and get my mum, you’ve broken him." [17:17]
  • Hilarity over euphemisms (“well endowed todger,” “front alley,” “love pump”), and horror at the aftermath.
  • Hosts mull over whether hospital was required ("There's a man in the corner nodding. You go to the hospital." [18:31])

2. Vomiting for Love

• [20:26–22:49] Cass, Liverpool:
  • After a funeral, drinks heavily, vomits all over herself, the bed, and out the window during what was meant to be a sexy night in.
  • The ultimate twist: “Now we’re married with two kids and another on the way.” [22:12]
  • Abi speculates whether the boyfriend actually "cleaned up" or just hid the mess under pajamas: “That’s just a man’s version of cleaning up!” [22:44]

3. "Should I Go on a Bisexual Side Quest?"

• [23:04–26:06] Ella from the USA seeks advice:
  • Stable, long-term relationship feels boring; new Instagram crush = temptation. “Should I go on a bisexual side quest or am I just bored and horny with wifi?”
  • Hosts’ advice highlights fun of crushes, the excitement of the new, but counsel caution: Hannah: “Don’t fall for the lesbian nonsense. They move so fast... They will have you moved in in a week, and then they fall—fuck off.” [24:29]
  • Abi and Sriti agree most crushes are just ego boosts and fleeting.

4. Legendary Pizza Scam

• [28:03–29:33] Anonymous:
  • A woman on a dating app date orders five pizzas and two sets of breadsticks to take home. After eating one breadstick, she dashes home with the boxes—her house is decked out for a birthday party.
  • Abi: “She should be a financial advisor. She’s so savvy!” [29:14]
  • Sriti: “He was a pizza delivery man now.” [29:38]

5. Lucozade Bong and Charity Shop Theft (Ultimate Brighton Story)

• [30:25–34:50] Anonymous, Brighton & Hove:
  • Date led to a patch of grass by the train station. Man fills a bong with Lucozade (not water), hits it in silence for 15 min, then takes her to a charity sale and steals items.
  • Abi: “Did you even get offered any Lucozade?” [31:43]
  • Sriti: “I absolutely think there’s a romantic way of ripping out a bong on the first date, but not filling it with Lucozade. That makes you look mental.” [32:10]
  • The group details how, if it must happen, a "romantic bong" experience should be discreet and artisanal ("looks like you could have got it in Anthropologie" [33:26]).

Additional Notable Quotes & Moments

• Abi: “Stay for the anecdote—one day that will get me killed.” [34:52]
• Sriti: “Especially when you’ve decided you’re not going to go further with this guy—at least do something funny and I can talk about it.” [35:57]
• Abi: “I strategically, on my dating apps, do not put my hottest picture on… I would much rather turn up and then be like, ‘she’s so much more attractive in person.’“ [38:07–38:40]

Recurring Themes

• Coping With Bad Dates: Everyone seems to agree—the struggle to escape boring/bad dates is real, and sometimes the story is worth sticking out.
• The Art of Self-Sabotage: Fears of overpromising on dating apps, and the difference between catfishing and simply using old or flattering photos.
• The Comedy (and Tragedy) of Romance: Emphasizing how unexpected, messy, and sometimes disastrous dating can be—and how it's all material for future laughter.

Segment Breaks & Highlights (Timestamps)

01:50 Introduction & guest welcome
03:28 Crime-adjacent celebrity crushes
05:30 Explaining "Empty Handeds"
06:59 Staying too long on bad dates: Abi confesses
08:27 Abi's lip-biting date story & anti-kiss strategy
10:15 Icebreaker: “Consistent but boring or exciting and unreliable?”
15:42 Listener story: “You broke him”
20:26 Listener story: Funeral date & the vomiting incident
23:04 “Bisexual side quest?” advice segment
28:03 Listener story: Five-pizza scam
30:25 Lucozade bong and charity shop theft date
35:19 “Stay for the anecdote” – why we tolerate odd dates
38:07 Photo choice philosophy on dating apps
39:13–40:27 Extremely odd date philosophies ("men and women live separately, meet only to reproduce")
41:04 Closing thanks, favorite stories, and final joke

Concluding Remarks

The episode is a whirlwind of cringe, comedy, and catharsis, wisely leveraging listener confessions to showcase just how weird, wild, and (sometimes) wonderful the quest for love can be. With Abi Clarke’s quick wit and self-deprecating humour, the hosts bring heart and hilarity to stories that, if nothing else, prove you’re not alone in your romantic disasters.

Final line:
Hannah: “Throw up on him, he might marry you.” [41:21]