ShortHand: Valentine’s Special (w/ Abi Clarke)

Summary

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RedHanded – ShortHand: Valentine’s Special (with Abi Clarke)

Date: February 17, 2026
Hosts: Sriti Jha, Hannah George
Special Guest: Abi Clarke (Comedian and true crime "super fan")

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Episode Overview

This Valentine’s Day special of "ShortHand" trades gruesome whodunits for comedic confessions of the heart (and occasional humiliation). Joined by comedian Abi Clarke, hosts Sriti and Hannah lean into the mess and awkwardness of modern dating: terrible first dates, heartbreaks, romantic disappointments, and listener-submitted disasters. Expect rapid-fire icebreakers, witty self-effacement, and candid, hilarious stories that remind us all how strange and cringe-worthy love can really get.

Tone: Light, irreverent, confessional, and self-aware—podcast hosts and guest poke fun at themselves and at the excesses of romance and dating culture.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Valentine’s Day Vibes & Introductions

• [01:50] Abi Clarke is welcomed as guest; she confesses, “I’m a comedian, I guess... but I’m also just a true crime super fan.”
• [02:47] Abi jokes about finally "making it" by being on the podcast:
  • Abi Clarke: “I’ve made it. This is it. I can be murdered on the way home now. I’ve made it.”
  • Sriti: “Don’t you fucking think about it.”

2. Celebrity Crush Cutouts: Macabre Romance

• [03:28] The trio share their chosen ‘crime-adjacent’ crushes, part of their Valentine’s tradition.
  • Sriti: Tom Hardy, specifically as Reggie in "Legend" — “It has to be Tom Hardy as Reggie, not Ronnie… Oh, look how hot he is.” [03:39]
  • Abi: Initially Tom Holland (“sucker for a boy who can backflip”) but lands on Andrew Garfield.
  • Abi: “Then I realized... I fell so deeply in love with Andrew Garfield… I guess both. Spider Man. Spider Man.” [04:38]
  • Running gag about celebrity crushes devolving into jokes about being on a Netflix special through true crime.

3. "Empty Handeds" – Listener Date Stories

• [05:40] What are ‘empty handeds’?
  • Short-lived segment resurrected here. Listeners submit worst date or confession stories—leading to fresh, unpredictable content.

4. Personal Horror Stories: Staying Too Long on Bad Dates

• [06:59] Abi admits she can never leave bad dates early:
  • Abi: “I can’t leave... Even if I don’t like them, I need them to like me. So I put on a real show.”
• [08:27] Abi’s bad kiss escape story:
  • A date tries biting her lip on a first kiss.
  • Her solution? “I now tell that story on first dates. So I say I have a no kiss on the first date rule now.” [09:48]

5. Love Icebreakers: This or That

• [10:15] "Consistent but boring OR exciting and unreliable?"
  • Abi: “Unfortunately, exciting and unreliable. But I wish we could have exciting and consistent... I can’t do boring.”
  • Sriti: Relays a restaurant eavesdropping story about people truly enjoying a boring date. [11:02]
• [11:44] “Hot and unemployed OR average with hefty inheritance?”
  • Abi: “Um, hot. No employees—as long as they have a hobby... The gym is not a hobby. It’s a chore.” [11:48–12:03]

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Memorable Listener Stories and Reactions

1. "You Broke Him" – The Broken Penis Fiasco

• [15:42–18:01] Jules, 52 (recounting at 17):
  • Describes an over-enthusiastic boyfriend and a painful mishap:
    "Go and get my mum, you’ve broken him." [17:17]
  • Hilarity over euphemisms (“well endowed todger,” “front alley,” “love pump”), and horror at the aftermath.
  • Hosts mull over whether hospital was required ("There's a man in the corner nodding. You go to the hospital." [18:31])

2. Vomiting for Love

• [20:26–22:49] Cass, Liverpool:
  • After a funeral, drinks heavily, vomits all over herself, the bed, and out the window during what was meant to be a sexy night in.
  • The ultimate twist: “Now we’re married with two kids and another on the way.” [22:12]
  • Abi speculates whether the boyfriend actually "cleaned up" or just hid the mess under pajamas: “That’s just a man’s version of cleaning up!” [22:44]

3. "Should I Go on a Bisexual Side Quest?"

• [23:04–26:06] Ella from the USA seeks advice:
  • Stable, long-term relationship feels boring; new Instagram crush = temptation. “Should I go on a bisexual side quest or am I just bored and horny with wifi?”
  • Hosts’ advice highlights fun of crushes, the excitement of the new, but counsel caution: Hannah: “Don’t fall for the lesbian nonsense. They move so fast... They will have you moved in in a week, and then they fall—fuck off.” [24:29]
  • Abi and Sriti agree most crushes are just ego boosts and fleeting.

4. Legendary Pizza Scam

• [28:03–29:33] Anonymous:
  • A woman on a dating app date orders five pizzas and two sets of breadsticks to take home. After eating one breadstick, she dashes home with the boxes—her house is decked out for a birthday party.
  • Abi: “She should be a financial advisor. She’s so savvy!” [29:14]
  • Sriti: “He was a pizza delivery man now.” [29:38]

5. Lucozade Bong and Charity Shop Theft (Ultimate Brighton Story)

• [30:25–34:50] Anonymous, Brighton & Hove:
  • Date led to a patch of grass by the train station. Man fills a bong with Lucozade (not water), hits it in silence for 15 min, then takes her to a charity sale and steals items.
  • Abi: “Did you even get offered any Lucozade?” [31:43]
  • Sriti: “I absolutely think there’s a romantic way of ripping out a bong on the first date, but not filling it with Lucozade. That makes you look mental.” [32:10]
  • The group details how, if it must happen, a "romantic bong" experience should be discreet and artisanal ("looks like you could have got it in Anthropologie" [33:26]).

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Additional Notable Quotes & Moments

• Abi: “Stay for the anecdote—one day that will get me killed.” [34:52]
• Sriti: “Especially when you’ve decided you’re not going to go further with this guy—at least do something funny and I can talk about it.” [35:57]
• Abi: “I strategically, on my dating apps, do not put my hottest picture on… I would much rather turn up and then be like, ‘she’s so much more attractive in person.’“ [38:07–38:40]

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Recurring Themes

• Coping With Bad Dates: Everyone seems to agree—the struggle to escape boring/bad dates is real, and sometimes the story is worth sticking out.
• The Art of Self-Sabotage: Fears of overpromising on dating apps, and the difference between catfishing and simply using old or flattering photos.
• The Comedy (and Tragedy) of Romance: Emphasizing how unexpected, messy, and sometimes disastrous dating can be—and how it's all material for future laughter.

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Segment Breaks & Highlights (Timestamps)

01:50 Introduction & guest welcome
03:28 Crime-adjacent celebrity crushes
05:30 Explaining "Empty Handeds"
06:59 Staying too long on bad dates: Abi confesses
08:27 Abi's lip-biting date story & anti-kiss strategy
10:15 Icebreaker: “Consistent but boring or exciting and unreliable?”
15:42 Listener story: “You broke him”
20:26 Listener story: Funeral date & the vomiting incident
23:04 “Bisexual side quest?” advice segment
28:03 Listener story: Five-pizza scam
30:25 Lucozade bong and charity shop theft date
35:19 “Stay for the anecdote” – why we tolerate odd dates
38:07 Photo choice philosophy on dating apps
39:13–40:27 Extremely odd date philosophies ("men and women live separately, meet only to reproduce")
41:04 Closing thanks, favorite stories, and final joke

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Concluding Remarks

The episode is a whirlwind of cringe, comedy, and catharsis, wisely leveraging listener confessions to showcase just how weird, wild, and (sometimes) wonderful the quest for love can be. With Abi Clarke’s quick wit and self-deprecating humour, the hosts bring heart and hilarity to stories that, if nothing else, prove you’re not alone in your romantic disasters.

Final line:
Hannah: “Throw up on him, he might marry you.” [41:21]

---

Transcript

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[Abi Clarke]

Hello.

[Sriti Jha]

Hello, and welcome to a very special episode of Shorthand. It's Valentine's Day. It sure is.

[Hannah George]

And my grandmother's 100th birthday.

[Abi Clarke]

Aw.

[Sriti Jha]

Happy birthday, Muriel.

[Hannah George]

Yep, she won't go.

[Sriti Jha]

And it's a very special episode. Not just because it's Valentine's Day, but because we have a very special guest.

[Abi Clarke]

Hello, Abby Clark. I wasn't sure whether to make any noise. I was like, that's the most awkward. I was just sat there like, am I here yet? You are in my presence.

[Sriti Jha]

You are here.

[Abi Clarke]

Hi, I'm here.

[Sriti Jha]

Abby 10, tell the people who you are.

[Abi Clarke]

I am Abby. Abby Clarke. Abby Clarke, comedy. I'm a comedian, I guess. Though I hate to say that, because now for the whole episode, the pressure is on to be funny. But I'm also just a true crime super fan. Can you say super fan? That feels wrong.

[Sriti Jha]

You can say anything. You can.

[Abi Clarke]

But I'm in favour of really a.

[Sriti Jha]

Super comedian and a super fan.

[Abi Clarke]

Thank you.

[Sriti Jha]

And she's here.

[Abi Clarke]

And I've made it. This is it. I can be murdered on the way home now. I've made it. This is.

[Sriti Jha]

Don't you fucking think about it.

[Abi Clarke]

And then I'd be on the podcast twice.

[Sriti Jha]

That is a horrible way to think about that. We wouldn't allow it. We wouldn't allow it.

[Abi Clarke]

But it's the closest I'm gonna get to a Netflix special.

[Hannah George]

Like you and us both, babe.

[Sriti Jha]

But we are here. We're here to celebrate the day of love. Or the day of pink balloons and all sorts of things. And we also have three people in front of us. I haven't looked at your crushes.

[Hannah George]

Have you not?

[Sriti Jha]

They are our crushes.

[Hannah George]

So, in theme with the season, we've all. Well, we all told Sophie who our people were and she's made little cutouts of them.

[Sriti Jha]

Can we get them?

[Abi Clarke]

I took it really seriously. I took, like, two days to think about it. Then I changed my answer.

[Sriti Jha]

All right, let's see. I want to see. I think you guys have seen mine.

[Abi Clarke]

Yeah. Is it him specifically in that part?

[Sriti Jha]

It is specific. It has to be Tom Hardy as Reggie, not Ronnie in legend. Oh, look how hot he is.

[Abi Clarke]

It's a very good suit. It's a very suit. It's amazing what tailoring can do.

[Sriti Jha]

Fantastic.

[Abi Clarke]

It's against all crimes.

[Sriti Jha]

Outstanding. He's gonna stay here now.

[Hannah George]

I thought, in my defence, that we had. I suppose it is crimey if he's Reggie Cray, but I thought it had to be crime only. So I suggested that yours be Jeffrey Dahmer, but Sophie told me I wasn't allowed. Abby, I can't see who you've got.

[Abi Clarke]

Sorry. I went for a fight of crime. I chose the good side, guys. One of the good ones. I actually changed it last minute. So I was saying earlier, I felt like I had to take this very seriously. I wanted to choose someone evergreen. And also, just in case it manifests, like, I wanted it to actually be someone truly I would like to spend a lifetime with. And I originally went Tom Holland because I am like a sucker for a boy who can backflip. It's embarrassing to admit about myself, I know that. But if you can do a backflip, I'm in love.

[Sriti Jha]

You have narrowed the pool considerably. Yeah.

[Abi Clarke]

And also, he played Billy Elliot and I love musical theater, and so I really fancy Tom Holland. And also his dad's a comedian, so Realistic. But then Zendaya is in the picture anyway. What a bitch. And then I realized that I watched the, what was the recent film with Florence Pugh and I fell so deeply in love with Andrew Garfield. And so then I was like, I guess both. Spider Man. Spider Man.

[Sriti Jha]

There you go. Spiderman, plural. You've got to think. You've got to think for the spider mans.

[Abi Clarke]

But yeah, I went with Andrew Garfield.

[Hannah George]

Beautiful.

[Abi Clarke]

I'm not sure if he is available.

[Sriti Jha]

I don't know.

[Abi Clarke]

He is. There you go.

[Sriti Jha]

This is your moment. Andrew Garfield or anyone associ with him, make this happen.

[Abi Clarke]

I'm also available. Happy Valentine's Day.

[Sriti Jha]

Happy Valentine's Day everybody. All right. Okay, well I've got some icebreakers here.

[Hannah George]

Okay.

[Sriti Jha]

To kick things off in a lovey dovey mood, we did ask you guys for your empty handeds which we have got here. We're going to read out some very, very funny ones that we got.

[Hannah George]

Shall we explain to Abi what empty handeds are?

[Sriti Jha]

Yes, go on then.

[Hannah George]

So empty handed is a segment that we used to do. We had a whole litany of obviously red handed. We've got shorthand, we did red herring for a while.

[Abi Clarke]

So many things you can do with hands.

[Hannah George]

Yes. So empty handeds were when Sriti's now married, I'm still not. And we used to do these like first date stories over on Patreon and then ask listeners to send in their questions that we called empty handeds. And then when we started touring, we would get audience members to send in their empty handed or their confessions. Like the worst thing they've ever done or the worst date that they'd ever been on. And makes every show different. The audience having a good time.

[Abi Clarke]

Oh, you can never go wrong with a bad date story.

[Hannah George]

And one time we got basically the.

[Abi Clarke]

Majority of my standards.

[Hannah George]

Oh well, excellent because that's where we're moving on to. And one time we very successfully got a girl to fuck her ex boyfriend's dad live. Not live.

[Abi Clarke]

Okay, God, wait, so like she came to a show you encouraged and then she gave you an update and then.

[Hannah George]

She came back to another show.

[Sriti Jha]

That's exactly what happened with the dad.

[Abi Clarke]

I don't know if the dad was there.

[Sriti Jha]

That would have been a mature.

[Abi Clarke]

I thought we were doing like ice races. I thought we were gonna like go in slowly.

[Sriti Jha]

Sorry.

[Hannah George]

Now we are. Sorry.

[Sriti Jha]

I'm gonna kick off with like quite a broad one. Worst date you've ever been on but stayed longer than you should have every date.

[Abi Clarke]

Like I'm so bad at leaving.

[Sriti Jha]

Are you using the apps? Is that how you are finding these backflipping spider men? How are you finding out?

[Abi Clarke]

I actually don't think I found a single person who backflips.

[Sriti Jha]

Ugh.

[Abi Clarke]

I know. No, I'm really bad. I can't. I can't leave.

[Hannah George]

It's hard. I don't think I know how to do it.

[Abi Clarke]

I'm like, quite recently newly single again. Keeps happening and I've gone back on the apps, but I just can't bring myself to go on a date because I know that it will be a full evening event. Because I can't. I don't have it in me to just be like, let's call it. I can't do it.

[Sriti Jha]

No, it's not.

[Abi Clarke]

Stay till the very end. And also, even if I don't like them, I need them to like me. So I put on a real show. Like, I really emcee it. I'm like, I'm treating it like a gig, just doing everything. I'm like, what's your name? Where are you from? What do you do? Like, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. And then, yeah, I will stay into the night. I will spend so much money.

[Sriti Jha]

Oh, no.

[Abi Clarke]

And then, like, till recently, you'd have to kiss them. I know. Legally you don't, but, like, morally. You again. I couldn't dodge. And then. Yeah. And then they'd think that we'd had a good time. And then you'd have to be like, no. Oh, so every date is too long.

[Sriti Jha]

But at least you're getting material out of it.

[Hannah George]

Yeah.

[Abi Clarke]

Though the worst thing actually is when they go, so you're gonna write about me now? And I'd be like, you'd have to be interesting enough first. Oh, no, do something funny. And then maybe I can.

[Sriti Jha]

What's one that stands out for you?

[Abi Clarke]

Well, one is now the reason I don't have to kiss him at the end of the day, this is a top tip, okay. Is I had one date where the whole date was very boring and not great. He was like a teacher, but he thought he was not like other teachers. Yeah. He was really in with the kids. And he played guitar.

[Sriti Jha]

Yeah.

[Abi Clarke]

He was just like. Everything about him. I was like, you're so unselfaware. But he, again, I was just tip top charming. And he was like, wow, this has gone so well. And I was like, he's going to try and kiss me. So I was like, ah. And he'd be like, oh, I'll walk you home. I was like, no, it's fine. But anyway, he leaned, and I had to again, legally, it didn't, but I did. And he went for a bite of the lip.

[Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Abi Clarke]

And not even like a. It hurt. Like a. Kind of an aggressive. Like a. On a first kiss. And then he was like, oh, like, I'll see you soon. And I was like, maybe. I was literally like the Aurora meme when she's like, when will I see you again? Oh, never. And because I was actually brag, I was going on, like, a PR thing the next day to visit the Love island villa. So I was like, well, maybe I'll find someone there. And then. Yeah. But it's really good because now I tell that story on, like, first dates. So I say I have a no kiss on the first date rule now.

[Sriti Jha]

Okay.

[Abi Clarke]

And then you can still kiss them, and if you do, they feel like, oh, I see. They feel great because they're like, oh, my God, she broke her rule for me. But also, like, if you don't want to, you absolutely don't because you've already set up that. That's the rule.

[Sriti Jha]

Got it. I love the strategy, though.

[Abi Clarke]

It'. It's a winner. Since then, first dates have been better.

[Sriti Jha]

Okay. All right, I think, Hannah, let's go for a this and that. Or this or that. Mmm.

[Hannah George]

Consistent but boring. Or exciting and unreliable.

[Abi Clarke]

Ooh, that's tough, I think, unfortunately, exciting and unreliable. But I wish we could have exciting and consistent. Why doesn't that. Why isn't that one? I don't know. That's what I want. I want exciting and consistent. Why do they have to be boring? Yeah, I can't do boring.

[Hannah George]

I can't either.

[Abi Clarke]

That's my, like. That's the one thing I just cannot power through.

[Sriti Jha]

No.

[Abi Clarke]

Yeah.

[Sriti Jha]

I am like a prime, like, eavesdropper in restaurants, though. So I will look out for people that I think are on dates and listen to them. And I did sit next to a couple a couple of weeks ago who were on what I thought was the most boring date, but they were both.

[Abi Clarke]

Having the best time ever. Isn't that lovely?

[Sriti Jha]

It is lovely.

[Abi Clarke]

My favorite game is to guess whether someone's on a first date. I like to be like, what number date do you think they're on?

[Hannah George]

Oh, I do that as well.

[Abi Clarke]

Yeah.

[Hannah George]

And I was in South Africa the other week, and there was a very obvious first date happening at this food market, and the bloke got his dinner stolen by a baboon. That's not going to make you look very manly, is it?

[Abi Clarke]

No.

[Hannah George]

Baboon. Just nicking your lunch, running off up the mountain. Oh, that's very embarrassing.

[Sriti Jha]

Did he scream? What was his response?

[Hannah George]

I was also trying to protect a child at the time, so I didn't. I wasn't listening out for the scream, but I hope it was like a really, like.

[Sriti Jha]

That'S the killer. All right, another one.

[Hannah George]

Hot and unemployed or average looking with a hefty inheritance?

[Abi Clarke]

Um, hot. No employees.

[Hannah George]

Yeah, me too. I'm rich.

[Abi Clarke]

As long as they have a hobby. That's more my issue.

[Hannah George]

Oh, what kind of hobby? Apart from fighting crime, obviously.

[Abi Clarke]

Like, I need them to be passionate about something.

[Hannah George]

I agree. I think that's really important. That's not their job.

[Abi Clarke]

Oh, well, I don't mind if I'm. Unless they're in the Artist. Yeah. Unless it's, like, an interesting job. No, I don't want somebody who's, like, passionate about finance, but, like, yeah, like, I need them to have a thing, and the thing can't be the gym. The gym is not a hobby. It's a chore.

[Hannah George]

I agree. Go and play football on a Sunday. Talk about your feelings. Let some testosterone outs.

[Sriti Jha]

Yeah, go do that. I agree.

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[Sriti Jha]

Shall I go into my first? I assume if you've put your name in this that you are fine with us reading that out. So this is from Jules who is from Gloucestershire. Hi Jules. It just says that they are now 52 but this story happened when they were 17 so it's really stuck in my head.

[Abi Clarke]

Oh my goodness.

[Sriti Jha]

Yeah.

[Abi Clarke]

Wow. This has really affected her.

[Sriti Jha]

All right. When I was 17 I was laying on the patterned brown and orange carpet of my boyfriend's parents living room floor. Very apt for the era.

[Abi Clarke]

Yeah, we didn't need her age. We know how old she is.

[Sriti Jha]

His parents and sister were snuggled up in their beds while we were getting it on downstairs to the great Gig in the sky by Pink Floyd.

[Hannah George]

It's a classic.

[Sriti Jha]

My fella who's 6 foot 4 was getting all hot and bothered. I'm a mere 5 foot 1 and being a devoted girlfriend, I was giving him A good dose of undivided attention. However, in his youthful excitement to get his leg over, he failed to comprehend the sharing is caring attitude. He also failed to comprehend the physics involved in inserting an extremely well endowed todger into my poor ignored and unloved front alley.

[Abi Clarke]

Oh my goodness, there are so many different words for different things.

[Sriti Jha]

I chose to express my displeasure by bearing down on him as he tried being boring up into me. I heard and felt something snap and instantly thought, oops, I think he's broken me. It was only when he emitted a loud squeal that I glanced down between my legs. He exited his lane and gently cradled his love pump with a tear in his.

[Abi Clarke]

Did she have like a word counter hit or something?

[Sriti Jha]

With a tear in his eye. And then he whispered, and this is just. This is the perfect line. He whispered, go and get my mum, you've broken him.

[Ad Voice]

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[Sriti Jha]

Full of shame and dripping wet between my legs for all the wrong reasons.

[Abi Clarke]

All right, Sabrina Carpenter.

[Sriti Jha]

I tiptoed sheepishly upstairs to request his mother's first aid skills. His mother sent me away to my shameful bed and there was no mention of it in the morning at breakfast. Unfortunately, my boyfriend misinterpreted the benefits of giving his ladies bits. A bit of a tongue lashing in anticipation of a good riveting. Shared his tale of woe with most of our friends as testament to his endowment. Question, how do you teach your first love? That enthusiasm is lovely, but preparation is essential.

[Hannah George]

I don't think that's the question.

[Abi Clarke]

I have so many questions. First of all, did she get dressed before she went to go find the mum? Because all I heard was I was dripping between the legs and I went and got the mum.

[Sriti Jha]

She doesn't. Jules doesn't clarify.

[Abi Clarke]

She doesn't. Doesn't put a robe on.

[Sriti Jha]

No.

[Abi Clarke]

And then. So did she break the penis?

[Sriti Jha]

I think it may be she tore some sort of banjo situation. I'm not sure.

[Abi Clarke]

They don't go into detail. No mention of it. The next morning, did he not go to hospital? That's quite serious.

[Sriti Jha]

I don't know. Do you go to hospital for all of those things or do you just.

[Abi Clarke]

Like you go to hospital, take yours. There's a man in the corner nodding. You, you go to the hospital.

[Hannah George]

Okay.

[Abi Clarke]

Sorry to break the penis. Maybe it wasn't that bad. But it wasn't.

[Sriti Jha]

If you broke your penis, I think it wasn't broke. Maybe it was just a little sprain. A friendly little sprain. How do you tell that to a man?

[Abi Clarke]

I mean that's actually a good question.

[Hannah George]

I mean, I think he figured it out.

[Sriti Jha]

Yeah. And I just feel like.

[Hannah George]

Did he learn his lesson?

[Sriti Jha]

I feel like this is a conversation for, like, miz when you're 17. Because I'm like, by the time you 36, I don't want to be telling a man that I can't remember that conversation being needed in the last 15 years.

[Abi Clarke]

Well, the thing is, is, like, it's fine to tell them because you must tell them. It's not embarrassing for you to just be like, hey, this is what I need.

[Sriti Jha]

Absolutely.

[Abi Clarke]

It's embarrassing.

[Sriti Jha]

So just tell him.

[Abi Clarke]

He doesn't know. But again, at 17.

[Sriti Jha]

Yeah, exactly. 17. He didn't even know his penis wasn't broken. So that was. It was very beautifully written, though.

[Abi Clarke]

Yeah.

[Hannah George]

Wow. What?

[Abi Clarke]

She should write like a fairy fanfic. To be fair, that did feel like Twilight. Do you know what I mean?

[Sriti Jha]

Yeah, that's what I mean. It's got that vibe of like a YA novel. Maybe she should write those YA sex books. But I don't feel. I don't know. I was gonna say maybe young people these days don't need it. But then they're also not having sex as much as we were when we were younger, so maybe they do.

[Abi Clarke]

I wasn't having sex when.

[Hannah George]

I'm not having sex now.

[Abi Clarke]

Spectra of I'm a Virgin.

[Hannah George]

Okay, I've got another one which is less flowerily written from Cass in Liverpool. I'd been seeing this boy for a few weeks. One night, midweek after I had been to a funeral, I asked him to come and meet me for a drink. Bear in mind, I had basically devoured half the buffet at said funeral earlier on. I was.

[Abi Clarke]

Wait, sorry, question. Did she get picked up at a funeral?

[Hannah George]

No. So she goes to the funeral and she's been seeing this boy for a couple of weeks already.

[Abi Clarke]

Right. Not related to the funeral.

[Hannah George]

After the funeral, she goes and meets him, okay. And they go and have some drinks.

[Sriti Jha]

Okay.

[Hannah George]

But because she had been at a funeral, Cass was already very drunk.

[Sriti Jha]

Oh, I see. Okay.

[Hannah George]

And he was not.

[Sriti Jha]

Okay.

[Hannah George]

Okay. I ended up showing off and doing shots, which I never do. Long story short, I took him back to mine. I wake up the next morning with him completely naked and I can't remember a thing. He tells me I vomited last night when we got in, but he cleaned it up. I was horrified. He's the fittest lad on the planet and I have spewed up naked. Anyway, he leaves in the morning to go to work and I reach to the side of my bed to get some pyjamas to walk him out. I picked up the pyjamas off the floor to find they had been strategically placed over a pile of sick by me in the middle of the night. I then attempt to use my pillow to cover my naked self. Once again, I find a pile of vomit underneath my fucking pillow.

[Sriti Jha]

Oh, no.

[Abi Clarke]

How could they not smell it? I was gonna tell you.

[Hannah George]

At this point, I've disturbed the smell of the. Of the salt and pepper chicken funeral buffet.

[Sriti Jha]

Soup. Salt, pepper, chicken.

[Hannah George]

I get up to open my bedroom window, and I look outside.

[Sriti Jha]

Oh, no.

[Hannah George]

To find.

[Sriti Jha]

No.

[Hannah George]

That in the night, I'd thrown my guts up all over my own front garden.

[Sriti Jha]

Oh.

[Abi Clarke]

Now we're married with two kids and we've got another one on the way. Well, I. Yeah, if he stays through all of that, he's the one.

[Sriti Jha]

Absolutely.

[Abi Clarke]

Though I'd like to just clarify that. He said he'd cleaned it up.

[Sriti Jha]

He cleaned the one he found, presumably.

[Hannah George]

Yeah. Maybe he cleaned the visible sick.

[Abi Clarke]

Sounds like you think he was setting her up. I think he cleaned it up and chucked it out the window. He's convinced her that that was all her. Whereas, actually, that's just, like, a man's version of cleaning up, which is, I'll just put pajamas over. He's like, don't worry, babe. I cleaned it up. I put a pillow over it.

[Sriti Jha]

Oh, my God.

[Abi Clarke]

And then when, like, that backfired, he was like, oh, no, you.

[Sriti Jha]

Let's get married.

[Abi Clarke]

You don't remember? You did that?

[Sriti Jha]

Oh, wow. That's quite horrific.

[Hannah George]

Whoa.

[Abi Clarke]

What a, like, happy story.

[Hannah George]

Though it is nice that it works out sometimes.

[Sriti Jha]

All right, I've got one here from Ella from the usa. Very vague. And it says it starts with advice needed, exclamation mark. Okay. I've been with my boyfriend for almost six years, and we live together in a beautiful city. I love the stability, but it gets a little boring sometimes. About a week ago, I met a really cool woman on Instagram, the most dangerous dating app of them all, and suddenly felt like I could drop everything to be with her. Now I can't really tell if I'm bored and looking for a thrill or if I really like this woman. I think I really like this person. But would it work out if I dropped everything to be with her? I wish I could take it further with her to see how it would go, but I know that would be wrong. I know I should stop talking to her before we take it too far, but that's Easier said than done. I've been a ball of anxiety, hoping my boyfriend doesn't notice how distracted I am and thinking how awful it would be if I imploded our entire life together. Question. What should I do? Does she take a bisexual side quest? Is she just bored and horny with wi fi? That's a tricky one.

[Abi Clarke]

I feel like. Don't write into a true crime podcast. What's the advice? I. I don't. I don't want to be dragged into an affair.

[Sriti Jha]

I feel like. I don't know. I feel like that's a very tricky.

[Abi Clarke]

I've never even been fancied by two people at the same time. I can't really give.

[Sriti Jha]

Count your blessings.

[Hannah George]

I would say don't fall for the lesbian nonsense. They move so fast. They will sell you a dream. They will have you moved in in a week, and then they fall.

[Sriti Jha]

Fuck off.

[Hannah George]

So they're called U haul lesbians. It's a thing.

[Sriti Jha]

Sure.

[Abi Clarke]

Also, like, a crush is so fun, but that's because it's a crush.

[Sriti Jha]

Yes. I feel like it just sounds exciting.

[Abi Clarke]

So exciting and fun to be like, oh, my God, Like, I fancy this.

[Sriti Jha]

Yeah. Yeah. And other people are telling you they really fancy.

[Ad Voice]

Oh, my God.

[Abi Clarke]

Yeah, it's nice. It's good for the ego. It's like, it's thrilling when you get a text and you're like, but it's fun. Like, because it's a crush, it doesn't mean that you should be together.

[Sriti Jha]

No, I don't think so. And I think the fact that you say, Ella, like, there's a lot of stability in your relationship, and you also obviously care about your partner because you don't want to, like, immediately blow up your life with him. And if the biggest thing that it's just, like, a bit boring, you can spice that up without having to go on a bisexual side quest, I would say.

[Abi Clarke]

Yeah.

[Sriti Jha]

But then what do I know? I don't know. Maybe you are in love with this person.

[Abi Clarke]

Does he have a hobby?

[Sriti Jha]

Maybe?

[Abi Clarke]

Is he passionate about anything other than the gym?

[Hannah George]

Do you like him or do you like the life?

[Abi Clarke]

Yeah, now that is a really good question.

[Sriti Jha]

It is. And also, there could be a third option. It's not just, do I stay with.

[Abi Clarke]

My friend or do I.

[Sriti Jha]

There's a father or do I run off with this woman? Maybe she's not the right person for you, but maybe he's not the right person for you. Or maybe he is and you guys are just, you know, taking each other for granted. I don't know. There's lots and lots of combinations of like, possibilities here.

[Abi Clarke]

Yeah, but like, let us know.

[Sriti Jha]

Yes. Whatever happens, you know I want to please his dad.

[Abi Clarke]

Yeah.

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[Hannah George]

Okay, I've got an anonymous one, so it's probably really good. 29 USA fresh out of college. Broke. Prior to meeting me, my husband went on a date with a girl he met online. Alright, Smuggy. He picked her up at her house and he took her out to a brick oven pizza place that she said she wanted to try. After confirming that he was paying, she ordered five pizzas and two orders of breadsticks.

[Sriti Jha]

Five pizzas.

[Abi Clarke]

I so far love this woman. That's amazing.

[Hannah George]

The conversation was rigid and it was awkward.

[Abi Clarke]

Yeah, but she's got dinner for like two weeks.

[Sriti Jha]

Yeah, exactly.

[Abi Clarke]

Now a week. Five pizzas is not good.

[Hannah George]

Two weeks. He chalked it all up to first date nerves. She only ate one breadstick and she had the rest boxed up.

[Abi Clarke]

Oh, my God, this is genius.

[Hannah George]

Right after he finished paying the bill for the five pizzas and obviously, whatever, he had six pizzas.

[Abi Clarke]

Six pizzas.

[Hannah George]

She announced that she needed to go home, so he said that he would drive her back.

[Abi Clarke]

And she got a lift.

[Sriti Jha]

Yeah, because she's got five pieces to carry.

[Abi Clarke]

She should be a financial advisor. She's so savvy.

[Hannah George]

Once they pulled up to her house, she told him that she couldn't see them being together, took all of the boxes of food and ran into her house. The house my husband noticed as he sat in shock, was decorated for a birthday party.

[Sriti Jha]

Fucking hell.

[Hannah George]

So she just scammed him for free.

[Ad Voice]

Cater.

[Abi Clarke]

And he delivered it. He's a pizza delivery man now.

[Sriti Jha]

Wow, that is. That is a lot of, like, assumptions being made though. Before you got on that date. I want to know.

[Abi Clarke]

Yeah, how premeditated was it from what point in the date was she like, I'm gonna get five pizzas out of this guy?

[Hannah George]

I think you need to know how they met. Like, is she just on apps being like, he looks like an idiot? Or do they know each other? Have they met mutually somewhere else? Cause that's worse.

[Abi Clarke]

Wow.

[Hannah George]

I. I'm in awe.

[Abi Clarke]

That is the. Who's the finance guy on telly that.

[Sriti Jha]

Tells you, like, oh, Martin Lewis.

[Abi Clarke]

Martin Lewis.

[Sriti Jha]

Like, honestly, it wasn't Martin Lewis, was it?

[Abi Clarke]

Like, she should be the next Martin Lewis. Like, that is crazy that she pulled that off.

[Sriti Jha]

All right, we've got one last one to end on. This is anonymous, so, you know it's gonna be good. 20 from Brighton and Hove.

[Abi Clarke]

Oh, hello.

[Sriti Jha]

A guy I was dating told me he was taking me somewhere nice. He then proceeded to take me to a patch of grass by the train station.

[Hannah George]

Sorry.

[Sriti Jha]

Wait, what?

[Abi Clarke]

Also, I've been to that train station. There's no nice patch of grass. It's so gross.

[Sriti Jha]

To be fair, they don't say nice patch of grass.

[Abi Clarke]

They just say patch of grass. I cannot even picture the patch of grass. It is so concrete. I cannot tell you.

[Sriti Jha]

Look, the next bit is gonna take you to another level. Alright, so takes me to a patch of grass by the train station, filled up a bong with Leukozade. And then proceeded to hit it in silence for 15 minutes. He then took me to a vintage sale that was raising money for charity.

[Abi Clarke]

But stole all of his items by.

[Sriti Jha]

Running out of the pack.

[Ad Voice 2]

Again.

[Abi Clarke]

Another Martin Lewis. That's insane. He committed theft on their first date high on Lucozade. Did she even get offered any Lucozade?

[Sriti Jha]

I mean, it's not mentioned.

[Abi Clarke]

Did you get high off Lucozade?

[Sriti Jha]

I don't know what would happen if you filled up a bong and just hit it.

[Hannah George]

Let's do it.

[Sriti Jha]

But also, why anon were you sat there for 15 minutes watching a man hit a bong filled with Lucozade for 15 minutes without just leaving? Stay and watch.

[Abi Clarke]

I'd stay for the anecdote.

[Sriti Jha]

This man's gonna murder me. And then. This is so weird. She says, needless to say, he was not contacted again.

[Abi Clarke]

That's basically all of the things that we get.

[Sriti Jha]

And then it says, is there a romantic way of ripping a bong out on the first date? And it is in brackets. Ceruti. I absolutely think there's a romantic way of ripping out a bong on the first date, but not filling it with Lucas Aid. That makes you look mental.

[Abi Clarke]

So what's the romantic way?

[Sriti Jha]

You're having a laugh. You're having a great time, and it's like, hey, do you want to come back to mine and hit a bong.

[Abi Clarke]

And be like, yeah. I think it has to be at their house. It can't be in their bag.

[Sriti Jha]

No, no, no. You can't have the bong with you. You can't fill it with Lucas Aid. It has to be. Do you want to come back to my house?

[Abi Clarke]

And then it's there.

[Sriti Jha]

And then it's there.

[Abi Clarke]

It can't be a travel bong.

[Sriti Jha]

No.

[Hannah George]

Can't be a travel bong. I think the material the bong is made out of is very important as well.

[Sriti Jha]

Okay.

[Hannah George]

Because if they're pulling out a plastic bottle.

[Sriti Jha]

No, no, no.

[Hannah George]

And if that happened to me.

[Sriti Jha]

No.

[Hannah George]

Yeah. If it's like, I. Yeah. Can't be portable. Has to be inside their house under the COVID of darkness. Yeah.

[Abi Clarke]

And, like, really classy.

[Sriti Jha]

Like a little, like a nice area.

[Abi Clarke]

It's on a nice shelf. It's looked after. Yes.

[Sriti Jha]

Like an artisanal one. I also don't want to go to your house. And it's, like, made of a skull or something.

[Abi Clarke]

No.

[Hannah George]

Oh, yeah, Good point.

[Sriti Jha]

No, no, no, no, no, no. We're not that edgy. No, I would like a nice. Like a nice one. A nice Looking one that, like, you said, it looks clean.

[Abi Clarke]

It looks well looked after.

[Sriti Jha]

And it's a weigh in a drawer. It's not like, on a drawer.

[Abi Clarke]

It looks like you could have got it in anthropology.

[Hannah George]

Do you know what I mean?

[Sriti Jha]

Yeah. Yeah. But I also. I don't want it out because that gives bad vibes.

[Hannah George]

Yeah.

[Sriti Jha]

Needs to be in a drawer somewhere and you're just like, oh, occasionally do this. But, yeah, that. That would be fine. I wouldn't say it's romantic, it'd be fun, but this is weird.

[Abi Clarke]

It makes so much sense that it happened in Brighton, though. Like, that's the most Brighton story I've ever heard.

[Sriti Jha]

I was gonna say, where else would this happen in the uk, A bong.

[Abi Clarke]

And a charity shop there.

[Sriti Jha]

Whoever's.

[Abi Clarke]

Like, if you had to explain, like, if you told me just bong and charity shop, guess the city, I'd be like, right. I love this person.

[Sriti Jha]

Was just like, who was. He was like, clearly not committed enough to get actual drugs. He was like, I'm just gonna do it with Lucas Aid.

[Hannah George]

No, he's still smoking weed. He's just not water in the bong. It's Lucas Aid.

[Abi Clarke]

Oh, I thought he was just dead with. No, I was like, I don't do drugs.

[Sriti Jha]

Okay.

[Hannah George]

Okay.

[Sriti Jha]

That wasn't explicit. The weed wasn't explicitly mentioned. I just literally thought he put water in Lucozade. Okay.

[Hannah George]

And there's this thing Abby called a hit hole.

[Abi Clarke]

Honestly, I feel like you said that as a joke, because that's an obvious thing to know. I didn't know that.

[Sriti Jha]

And then he was like, let's go to this charity shop where I'm going to steal a bunch of it.

[Abi Clarke]

Do you think it gives you, like, energy, but then don't you smoke weed to calm down?

[Sriti Jha]

It probably.

[Abi Clarke]

So then you're, like, canceling out the effects.

[Sriti Jha]

Maybe it just makes you turn on yourself.

[Abi Clarke]

Unless it makes you.

[Hannah George]

Yeah.

[Abi Clarke]

Really energetic, but calm.

[Sriti Jha]

Maybe.

[Abi Clarke]

God, that would actually be quite a leak to have the energy of coffee but not the anxiety.

[Sriti Jha]

Someone will have to try it and let us know.

[Abi Clarke]

I will always say for the anecdote, though, and I think that will one day get me killed because I got hit on in a hotel bar once. Like, that's what that's reminded me of. A very similar vibe of guy. And he was, like, buying me drinks. And I was like, posting on my Instagram story, like, do I drink the drink? And everyone was like, obviously, you don't drink the drink. And then he started telling me, he was like, don't worry, I'm not hitting on you. I have a girl in my room. Which was immediately worrying.

[Sriti Jha]

A girl in my room?

[Abi Clarke]

Is she okay?

[Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Abi Clarke]

Who's the girl and why is she in the room? But like it was just kept getting a better and better story. So I stayed because I was. And he kept going to the toilet, which I realized. Oh, drugs. I was like, wow, this guy's blood is crazy. And then he was like telling me that he was like a, a fighter and he'd just come from Thailand and like that.

[Sriti Jha]

Yeah.

[Abi Clarke]

But only when they're like fighting the bad guys.

[Sriti Jha]

Oh.

[Abi Clarke]

He felt very much a bad guy.

[Sriti Jha]

I see.

[Abi Clarke]

But I just stayed because I was like, this is such a good story.

[Sriti Jha]

Sometimes, sometimes I'll be honest. When we were doing empty hands, sometimes I like, you've got to stay. You've got to hope something weird happened.

[Abi Clarke]

Yeah.

[Sriti Jha]

Especially when you've decided you're not going to go further with this guy. Or like, at least do something funny and I can talk about it.

[Abi Clarke]

Like at least stay for the anecdote.

[Sriti Jha]

Exactly.

[Abi Clarke]

Just don't get killed.

[Sriti Jha]

Okay. What's the wildest thing her man has ever done on a date that he clearly thought was normal?

[Hannah George]

I don't know. I don't think there's anything else he could have done.

[Sriti Jha]

Uh huh.

[Hannah George]

But it was so like I went on this date with this guy and the bar doesn't exist anymore, but it was like downstairs, like basement bar, very low lights, only like three booths. And we walk in and this girl gets up and she hugs him and is like, oh, like, how are you? Like, haven't seen you. I'm surprised I don't bump into you. More like, blah, blah, blah. And then we sit down and I can feel her eyes like boring into the back of my skull and I'm like, who is she? Because I was like, I thought it was gonna be someone he used to work with. Like it was a very odd interaction but it was a very closed space. So like he couldn't have just walked past her and like, anyway, he was like, oh, that's Anna. We were together for seven years and I haven't seen her in four.

[Abi Clarke]

And then we had to sit there and she was.

[Hannah George]

But I don't think there's anything he could have done differently in that situation. No, didn't work out. But like it was, that was the weirdest like, environment that he was honest though.

[Abi Clarke]

Yeah.

[Hannah George]

Bad guy though. Don't give him too much for credit.

[Abi Clarke]

Okay.

[Sriti Jha]

But initially, yeah, yeah. There's nothing he could have done. I think one I have that was just like, are we just not going to acknowledge this? Because it was just like, not pictures of him.

[Abi Clarke]

I feel like on his cab, as.

[Sriti Jha]

In, like, I could see that it probably was him, but it kind of looked like they were so old as to be irrelevant. They kind of look like his really much more attractive brother. And he turned up and I was just like, are we just gonna. Am I, Am I now just gonna pretend like you look anything like your pictures that you posted on that app? And then you're right. I stayed for like two drinks and I was like, why am I here for two drinks when this man has lied about who he physically is? But anyway, that was pretty weird. And I was just like, you're just gonna go on these dates and pretend and continue to use that profile.

[Abi Clarke]

I'm really paranoid of anyone thinking that about me. Like, I strategically, on my dating apps, do not put my hottest picture on.

[Sriti Jha]

No.

[Abi Clarke]

Because I don't want to turn it to a date and then be disappointed.

[Sriti Jha]

Oh, no.

[Abi Clarke]

Like, I'm like, I'm just not confident I can deliver that in person. Like, that was really good lighting and a very good hair day. Like, I'm not setting that as the bar.

[Sriti Jha]

Oh, that. That is self sabotage. I think.

[Abi Clarke]

I know, but that's the frustration is I don't feel like I could like stand out on the apps because I'm putting really mid photos of myself on them. But I'm like, I would much rather turn up and then be like, she's so much more attractive in person.

[Sriti Jha]

Okay. Interesting tactic. Maybe it's right. I don't know. He definitely was doing the opposite.

[Abi Clarke]

The opposite.

[Sriti Jha]

And it didn't work in anyone's favour.

[Abi Clarke]

No, but that's what I mean. Yeah. What do you gain from catfishing?

[Sriti Jha]

But then I don't think putting the hottest picture of yourself up is catfishing because then you go and then you wow them with your personality as well as the fact that you do look like that person. Right.

[Abi Clarke]

Oh, I just can't put that pressure on myself.

[Sriti Jha]

Fair, fair. Under promise, over deliver.

[Abi Clarke]

Exactly. Always set your expectations low and be pleasantly surprised. That's what my mum always says. Good.

[Sriti Jha]

Good tactics.

[Abi Clarke]

I also this.

[Hannah George]

I just remembered this one. And the horror cave that we've now opened. I once had a guy say that his ideal world was men live on one side and women live on the other side and they meet up in some sort of DMZ situation to fuck each other. And I was like, oh, yeah, where did the kids go, then do the little girls go with the women and do the little boys live with the men? He was like, no, like, obviously the little boys go and live with the women. The men would be held back. And I was like, oh, no. Well, fuck my drag. Then I guess, like, it was. And he was so serious. He wasn't saying it to, like, troll me or like, he was serious and I was like. It was one of those, like, Covid dates when you're like, sat in the park and you're like, this is the world now.

[Sriti Jha]

Yeah, that was a pretty weird one. Yeah.

[Hannah George]

I'd forgotten about him. He's French. Classic.

[Abi Clarke]

That's crazy. And how long did you stay after he'd said that?

[Hannah George]

This is probably the most embarrassing thing I'd ever said. He left me.

[Abi Clarke]

Why?

[Hannah George]

He said something along the lines of like, well, I just think we are very different people and we are not on the same page, so. But I mean, he's right.

[Abi Clarke]

Yeah. Yeah. But how dare he say it.

[Hannah George]

Yeah. And then I drank three bottles of wine.

[Sriti Jha]

Well, there you go.

[Abi Clarke]

Oh, my God, I can't believe that's his first date chat.

[Sriti Jha]

I know, that's bold. You're right.

[Abi Clarke]

Yeah. Like that they don't even have the awareness. No, that, like, at least trap em first.

[Hannah George]

At least get them in the DMZ hut in the middle.

[Abi Clarke]

Trap em in a relationship and then reveal that you're like innately evil.

[Ad Voice]

Do you know what I mean?

[Sriti Jha]

Maybe it's just, you know, time saving. Get it all out there straight off the bat.

[Abi Clarke]

Who is gonna. Oh, wow. That's really quite troubling.

[Sriti Jha]

Well, that feels like the perfect note on which to end this Valentine's special brought to you by red handed featuring Ms. Abi Clarke. Thank you so much for joining us, Abi.

[Abi Clarke]

Thank you so much for having me. I've had a lovely time.

[Sriti Jha]

It's been an absolute pleasure and thank you to all of you for listening and especially those of you who sent us your terrible stories, particularly the person who went on Mr. Lucas aid Bong Date. My favorite.

[Hannah George]

Yeah.

[Sriti Jha]

Thank you guys. And we will see you next week for another time. Short tact. Goodbye.

[Hannah George]

Throw up on him, he might marry you.

[Sriti Jha]

Goodbye.

[Hannah George]

Foreign.

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[Sriti Jha]

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[Sriti Jha]

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[Hannah George]

We're here to help things run smoothly.

[Sriti Jha]

Because a great trip starts starts with the right support. And hey, a good playlist doesn't hurt either.

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