Father/Family Member (31:35)
I woke up with my shirt up around my chest and cold air on my stomach. They were around the bed, my wife on one side, the kids on the other. All three of them looked emptied out, eyes too big or faces too thin, skin pale except where it was red. My stomach felt tight, like somebody had over inflated me. Then I saw the cut. A straight line a few inches long just below my navel. Not a scratch, a real opening. The edges were parted slightly. Inside was dark meat and shine. There should have been blood everywhere, but there wasn't. My wife put her hand inside me up to her knuckles. It didn't feel the way I would have imagined. Not a sharp stab, more like a deep, blunt pressure that made my body try to do three things at vomit, void my bowels and stop breathing. When she curled her fingers, something inside of me gave with a wet snap and my vision went grainy at the edges. I tried to jerk away and I couldn't. My body was there, but it wasn't listening to me. I kept thinking that this had to be a nightmare, but pain wouldn't let me lie to myself for long. I must have made a noise because she looked up for a second it was just her. Not the fevered, drifting version torturing me. My wife, wide eyed, terrified, fully present. Oh God, she whispered, her face pinched like she was about to cry. Her lips trembled. Then her gaze slipped out of focus, like someone had reached in and turned her off from the inside. Her hands never stopped moving. They kept searching around inside me, like they were looking for something. My daughter stepped closer from the foot of the bed. Her T shirt was ripped around the stomach. The fabric stretched and stained on one side. Below her ribs. A long gouge ran diagonally through the skin. It was only open, but it wasn't bleeding the way it should have. A thin yellowish film covered it, glossy in the dim light. The bruising around it was faint and purple. Tears filled my eyes so fast that my vision blurred. She was 10. She was supposed to be complaining about being cold, about missing cartoons, about about how long I made them walk, not standing here with a hole in her side like it was normal. I tried to say her name. My throat only produced a dry croak. She leaned over me. A strand of saliva hung from her lip. It was too thick, stringing instead of dripping, clear and viscous like the SAP that had dripped out of the tree. Then she put her mouth to my skin. The saliva burned along the open edges of my stomach. It soaked into the tissue and tightened. It stopped, I managed. It came out thin and ruined. My wife flinched for a heartbeat. Her mouth twisted like she'd heard me, like she wanted to stop. Her eyes shone with something human. Then her fingers clenched around something inside me. There was a tearing sensation, an explosion of heat and agony in a place I didn't have words for. Something came loose from deep inside me. I felt space open up and everything around it shift. She drew her hand back. A heavy, dripping piece of me sat in her palm, glistening. I tried to turn my head away. Even my neck wouldn't cooperate. My eyes watered harder. My stomach convulsed uselessly around the hole. She dropped it on the floor. Floor with a wet, final sound. My son's face was gray and slack, eyes half lidded, like he was sleepwalking through a fever dream. His foot dragged when he moved. The front of his pajamas were wet. He didn't look at me. He didn't really look at anything. Then they did it again. My wife used the first slit below my navel like a doorway, until the tissue around it was more of a hinge than a cut. The corners tore wider every time her Fists went in and out, ragged splits crawling outward. I tried to beg, to scream. My throat had given out and turned everything into a hoarse wheeze. My body kept trying to fold in half, away from our hands, but nothing listened. Every time I got close to blacking out, every time the pain hit that bright, blinding peak and my vision tightened into a tunnel, something inside me shoved me back awake. My son and daughter acted like assistants to her. My daughter leaned in whenever my wife needed the tissue to stop leaking, her saliva stringing and stretching between her mouth and my torn skin, leaving behind that resin stink, and it burned like nothing I've ever felt before, like being flayed and then salted. She'd pulled the opening below my navel wider with her fingers, and the skin stretched in horrible, softened ribbons. At some point my wife was done with whatever she'd been working on in there. She followed the branching bruises up my side, those ink vein lines spreading from my belly, and then she pressed something sharp until the skin split. I felt it separate all the way down to my hip as she dragged it, and my whole body tried to evacuate itself. My daughter leaned in immediately, her spit coating the ragged rim, making it glossy and firm, keeping it from gushing a new hole in me, then another and another. I couldn't even track where the pain was coming from anymore because it was everywhere, layered and overlapping, the raw pull of skin, the deep tearing from inside my open stomach. My body kept trying to escape in the only ways it knew. I tried to vomit, I tried to faint, I tried to. To shut down every time I reached the edge, vision tunneling, something inside me caught me and hauled me back. Then my wife stopped and turned toward the door, and the kids went with her in that same guided, obedient way, like they were all hypnotized. They came back carrying kitchen knives. The sight of them in my children's hands made my stomach convulse around the open hatch, and the raw rim burned where it stretched. My son held his blade with both hands at first, arms trembling, the tip wavering like he didn't understand why he had it. My daughter gripped hers tightly, knuckles pale, her mouth working as if she were chewing on fear. My wife climbed onto the mattress beside me. Her eyes had that faraway focus again, the one that looked through me instead of at me. She put her hands into my abdomen, adjusting the cavities she'd made, pressing, shifting, opening, opening me wider with a casual strength that didn't belong to a sick woman. The ragged corners of the largest opening tore a Little further as she worked, and my throat ripped itself around, a sound that came out thin and animal. My daughter leaned in, saliva stringing from her lips, and coated the torn rim. The burn hit like acid on a fresh scrape, multiplied a thousand times. My wife shifted her attention to the kids. My son brought the knife to his own belly and pressed for one breath. He looked up and his eyes found mine. That look contained everything. Confusion, terror, a child's instinct to ask for help. His lips trembled. Tears spilled without sound. Then his face went slack. The blade dragged down with a decisive pull. The sound he made wasn't loud. It came out of him like. Like a broken breath. His knees dipped and then locked again. My daughter moved instantly, leaning in close to him, coating the rim of the new wound with that resin saliva. It glossed his cut skin. It firmed the edge. It kept the opening from collapsing while his own small hands disappeared, appeared into his body. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't blink. My mind kept trying to reject what I was seeing, and the pain kept my mind pinned to reality like a nail. My daughter went next. She traced the knife across her own side, where the earlier gouge already existed, extending the seam in a single dragging motion that made her whole body shudder. The thin yellow film on her skin split, and beneath it, the tissue opened with disturbing ease. Already softened, already prepared. She wobbled, shoulders shaking, and for a heartbeat, her eyes sharpened and filled. She looked at me like she just noticed what was happening. Then her jaw slackened again and her eyes went dull. The saliva gathered. Her hands went into herself. My wife hovered between them and me, directing the motion with her own body without ever speaking it. When my son's fingers freed something from inside him, him, my wife took it immediately, warm and slick. She shoved it deep into the cavity she'd made in me, forcing my insides to rearrange around it. My body reacted with a violent internal pull, everything inside me shifting, sliding, compressing, until the new mass settled and the cluster thudded in approval, a heavy pulse that rippled the stretched skin of my belly. She fed another piece through one of the holes she cut above my hip, threading it under layers of tissue, like wiring being run through walls. I felt it travel inside me in a slow, nauseating slide. And then the rhythm of my torso tightened, pulses sinking, pressure redistributing. My wife moved from my body to theirs and back again, hands slick, eyes distant, using knives when fingers weren't enough. My daughter coated every new tear, every ragged rim, turning red wounds into durable openings. My son stood until he couldn't, held upright by whatever drove him, shaking, leaking, still being used and stripped. The sounds changed as the minutes stretched, the wet drag of skin pulling wider, the small clicking scrape of a knife on something hard, the soft hitching breaths of small lungs. My own wheezing, useless and constant, was the only thing I could still contribute. They would break through in flashes, and those flashes hurt worse than anything that was done to me. She would pause with her hands deep inside me, eyes snapping into focus as if she'd just woken up. Her face would contort, horror pouring in all at once, and she'd look at my abdomen open, ragged, then at the kids, their bodies almost as ruined as mine. I I'm trying, she whispered, voice cracking, tears sliding down into the mess.