Podcast Summary: Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey – Ep 1123 | Why Boys Are Failing Kindergarten | Guest: Dr. Leonard Sax

Introduction

In Episode 1123 of Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey, hosted by the Blaze Podcast Network, Allie Beth welcomes Dr. Leonard Sax, a renowned family doctor, psychologist, and author with over 30 years of experience. Dr. Sax is best known for his New York Times bestselling book, The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown-Ups, among others that explore the differences in raising boys and girls and the pitfalls of permissive parenting. The episode delves deep into the rising screen time among children, the toxic shifts in American parenting culture, the importance of establishing strict yet loving relationships with kids, and the distinct approaches needed for raising boys and girls effectively.

The Impact of TikTok on Youth

Allie Beth initiates the conversation by addressing the impending ban of TikTok, emphasizing its significant influence on young people’s lives. She remarks, “Not from a political perspective, but from a parenting perspective about TikTok. Is this going to be a net positive?” ([02:33]).

Dr. Sax elaborates on TikTok’s detrimental effects, categorizing social media into three generations:

1. First Generation: Platforms like Facebook, focused on connecting with known individuals.
2. Second Generation: Instagram, enabling connections with influencers and celebrities.
3. Third Generation: TikTok, driven by an algorithm that personalizes content to an alarming degree.

He highlights TikTok’s toxicity, especially for girls, noting its association with increased anxiety and depression. Dr. Sax cites research from Jean Twenge, a leading researcher on TikTok’s effects, who advocates for banning social media for individuals under 18. He warns that even if TikTok faces ownership changes, the underlying issues persist as children transition to similar platforms like Instagram Reels.

The Toxicity of American Parenting Culture

Dr. Sax asserts that American culture has undergone a profound transformation over the past two decades, evolving into a toxic culture detrimental to children’s mental health. He emphasizes that this shift is not merely due to social media but is deeply rooted in broader cultural changes.

• Changes in American Culture Over 20 Years: Dr. Sax references a UCLA study analyzing popular TV shows from 1967 to 2007. Initially, shows like The Andy Griffith Show and Family Ties emphasized virtues like honesty and integrity. However, by 2007, reality shows like Survivor and American Idol had shifted the cultural focus to winning and fame, sidelining moral values.

  “American culture changed from the culture that was the culture of American culture prior to 1997, in which doing the right thing and being a good person and being a good friend was the most important thing to contemporary American culture, where winning and being famous is the most important thing.” ([09:29])

• Culture of Envy and Resentment: Dr. Sax discusses the emergence of a culture of envy, exemplified by social media influencers like Charli D'Amelio. He explains how the unrealistic portrayals of success and beauty lead to widespread resentment and dissatisfaction among young girls.

  “The end result of this culture of envy is literally millions of girls who are like, why her? Why not me? It's not fair.” ([…])

• Culture of Disrespect: Another pillar of this toxic culture is the culture of disrespect, where defiance and irreverence towards elders and authority figures become normalized. Dr. Sax cites examples from television and popular music that reinforce disrespectful attitudes.

  “Lil Nas X had this incredibly popular song, number one on the Billboard top 100 for 12 consecutive weeks, where he sings, you can't tell me nothing. Can nobody tell me nothing. That's the culture of disrespect in a nutshell.” ([09:29])

• Normaphobia: Dr. Sax introduces the concept of normaphobia, a societal fear of being “normal” or conforming. He explains how this fear drives youngsters to label themselves as anxious, depressed, or trans, undermining their self-esteem and societal stability.

  “The very language the kids are now using one another, teaching one another to use, drives this… fear of being normal and incentivizes kids to convince themselves that they are anxious, that they are depressed, that they are trans.” ([09:29])

Differences in Raising Boys and Girls

One of the core discussions revolves around the distinct needs of boys and girls in upbringing and education. Dr. Sax emphasizes that boys mature slower than girls, both biologically and cognitively, necessitating tailored parenting strategies.

• Early Developmental Differences: Dr. Sax shares a poignant anecdote about an 18-month-old boy misunderstood as potentially autistic due to his distractibility—a behavior typical in boys. He underscores the importance of comparing children within their gender rather than against a gender-neutral average.

  “Don't compare your son to your daughter. That's a big mistake.” ([46:59])

• Educational Challenges for Boys: The host and guest discuss the shift in kindergarten curriculums towards academic rigor, which disproportionately affects boys. Dr. Sax references Deborah Stipek’s research, highlighting how early educational pressures can lead to lasting negative attitudes towards school among boys.

  “Deborah Stipek… found that these boys develop attitudes by the end of the kindergarten year, they decide that they hate school and they decide that they're dumb.” ([53:08])

Permissive vs. Authoritative Parenting

Dr. Sax critiques the rise of permissive and gentle parenting, which he argues undermines parental authority and harms child development. He distinguishes between authoritative parenting—balancing strictness with love—and permissive approaches that prioritize being a friend over disciplining.

• Issues with Gentle Parenting: Dr. Sax describes scenarios where parents, adhering to gentle parenting principles, fail to set necessary boundaries, leading to behavioral and emotional issues in children.

  “I call the new approach to parenting psychotic in the sense that it is utterly detached from reality.” ([30:37])

• Benefits of Authoritative Parenting: He advocates for a parenting style that combines firmness with affection, asserting that such an approach fosters respect and well-being in children.

  “You have to offer a healthier culture in your home.” ([09:29])

Education System and Boys' Struggles

The conversation delves into how contemporary education systems, with their emphasis on early literacy and numeracy, disadvantage boys who naturally develop these skills later than girls.

• Kindergarten Curriculum Changes: Dr. Sax argues that treating kindergarten as first grade fails to account for boys' slower cognitive development, leading to academic struggles and long-term aversion to schooling.

  “Kindergarten has become first grade. So enroll him in kindergarten at 6 years of age. And I still think that's a good idea.” ([53:08])

• Socioeconomic Disparities: He points out that affluent communities are more likely to delay kindergarten enrollment, while lower-income areas push children into rigorous academic settings prematurely, exacerbating educational inequalities.

  “In affluent communities, parents have figured this out… But in lower income communities, it is not at all true.” ([56:54])

Conclusion and Future of Parenting

Dr. Sax concludes by highlighting the confusion many parents face today, feeling compelled to choose between being strict or loving. He advocates for a balanced approach, reinforcing that authoritative parenting—combining firmness with affection—is essential for fostering resilient and respectful children.

“Many parents feel they have to choose between being strict or loving. They don't understand that the best parents are both strict and loving.” ([58:59])

He expresses optimism for the future, hoping that more parents will adopt this balanced strategy to counteract the toxic cultural shifts affecting today’s youth.

Notable Quotes

• Dr. Leonard Sax on TikTok’s Toxicity:

  “TikTok is pulling girls, especially down into a rabbit hole that valorizes self harm and anorexia and suicide. You have to change it.” ([02:33])

• On the Shift in American Culture:

  “The culture of the United States is now the culture of American Idol and Survivor, which is all about winning, which is a much more toxic culture.” ([09:29])

• Regarding Permissive Parenting:

  “These gentle parenting are psychotic in the sense that it is utterly detached from reality.” ([30:37])

• On Authoritative Parenting:

  “Good parenting has to be built around a loving parent child relationship.” ([41:17])

Final Thoughts

Episode 1123 offers a comprehensive exploration of the multifaceted challenges facing modern parenting, particularly for boys. Dr. Leonard Sax provides evidence-based insights into how cultural shifts, educational pressures, and parenting styles converge to impact children’s development. His advocacy for authoritative parenting serves as a guiding framework for parents striving to navigate these complexities and foster healthy, respectful, and resilient children.