← Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey
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- [00:01]
Allie
The let them theory. This viral concept has been making its rounds even in Christian culture. What is it? Is it good? Is it bad? Is it biblical? We've got all of that and more on today's episode of Relatable is brought to you by our friends at Good ranchers. Go to good ranchers.com use code ALI at checkout. That's good ranchers.com code ALI foreign. Hey, guys. Welcome to Relatable. Happy Monday. Actually, no, it's not Monday. It is Wednesday. It feels like Monday because of Labor Day weekend. I hope everyone had a wonderful Labor Day weekend and that you are having a lovely week. I just want to say before we get started that this is the, I guess the last time that you will see producer Bri on the podcast. Unless we have her as some kind of correspondent for, I don't know, live real looking baby conferences. Because she could still feed us that kind of content. But we wish producer Breathe the best. So please send an encouraging comments. Please pray for her as she transitions into this new role. It was also just her birthday on Monday, right? Yesterday. Yeah. Yeah. I couldn't even remember when it. When that was that I texted you happy birthday. Uh, but. So please wish her happy birthday and wish her well in her new endeavor. How are you feeling in this new year of life and in this new era that you're about to enter?
- [01:41]
Producer Bri
I'm feeling solidly in my 30s now.
- [01:44]
Allie
Is it? You're 31.
- [01:45]
Producer Bri
31.
- [01:46]
Allie
Yeah.
- [01:47]
Producer Bri
Um, yeah, I. I feel good.
- [01:50]
Allie
Feel ready.
- [01:51]
Producer Bri
Lots of changes are happening.
- [01:52]
Allie
Lots of change.
- [01:53]
Producer Bri
It's bittersweet. But I'm ready for. For what's next.
- [01:57]
Allie
Okay.
- [01:57]
Producer Bri
Just for the record, I did get an ad yesterday on YouTube for Reborn Baby dolls.
- [02:03]
Allie
Oh, no. So they've targeted you.
- [02:05]
Producer Bri
So it's going to follow me before.
- [02:06]
Allie
We know it because she's going to lose the identity and purpose that Relatable has given her. She is going to devolve into a real collector. Yes. Baby collector. What? A new Reborn. That's what they're called. Which is in itself just kind of like weirdly theological and disturbing. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. What. What's the note that you want to end on here? Is there anything that you want to say to us and to everyone as you make your bow?
- [02:37]
Producer Bri
Oh, my gosh. So much pressure. No, just thanks. Thanks for being so kind to me. So many of you are so, so sweet and I'm so thankful for that. I. Yeah, I feel like any other show I'd be a little bit scared of the audience, but not this one. So it's just been really sweet, a good time and thank you, Allie, for letting me get to know people who are in your audience. I appreciate that.
- [03:01]
Allie
So. Well, we're grateful to Bre for everything. We are still. We are looking for someone to take Bree's place, which will not be easy to find. We've gotten some good candidates, so thank you to those who are who have applied, but it is still open. Um, there are a couple different ways to apply, but you can send your application to relatable messages gmail.com. this is a full time in person position and I just want to say a couple things so we can go ahead and start sifting through the candidates before you even apply. Number one, we are looking for someone with five plus years of producing experience.
- [03:42]
Guest or Contributor
Experience.
- [03:43]
Allie
It's great. If that's in podcasting, if it's not in podcasting, if it's in something similar, that's okay. We are looking for someone who shares this show's values, that knows the show, that knows this brand, that knows this audience very well. And we are looking for someone who is very serious about this position. I think some people get the advice out there, oh, just apply. Just throw your hat in the ring. It's a good connection. It's a good foot in the door, I promise. It is not that if you are applying for a job that you're not really serious about potentially taking, then you are wasting the team's time. You are wasting the time of the hiring manager. You are wasting the time of the person who is hoping to fill that position. That is not going to leave a good impression. So I'm just saying that for any of you ever applying for jobs out there, I think Gen Z might be, I don't know, getting some advice on just applying to apply. Please don't do that. Only apply to jobs that you really think that you want and that you are serious about. So you're not wasting your time or anyone else's time. All right, let's get into what this episode is actually about today. It is about the Let Them theory. What it is, why it's relevant, how Christians should be thinking about this. So let me just set it up. What is it, in short? And then we'll dive into its roots, what the background is, and why we are even talking about this today. So the Let them theory is a mindset theory that encourages people to stop trying to control others. So when met with disappointment in someone's words, attitudes or behaviors, instead of trying to change them or control them, you just let them. You allow them to say and think and feel and do what they want to do. So this is about no longer expending energy, trying to manage everyone in your life into being what you want or what you think you need them to be. And this theory has been popularized over the past couple of years by a motivational speaker, podcaster, author named Mel Robbins. She released this book, the let them Theory in December of 2024. So just a few months ago in since then it has sold over 6 million copies, which all is insane. She posted a reel before she wrote the book about the let them theory in May of 2023. That reel has amassed millions and millions of views. And here she is kind of introducing this concept to her audience.
- [06:23]
Guest or Contributor
Saw one I just heard about this thing called the let them theory. I freaking love this. If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them. If the person that you're really attracted to is not interested in a commitment, let them. If your kids do not want to get up and go to that thing with you this week, let them. So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. And the truth is, if somebody, especially somebody you're dating or who's a friend or somebody you're trying to partner with in business, if they are not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change. Let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just let them. And then you get to choose what you do next.
- [07:18]
Allie
Okay, so this resonated with a lot of people. And seeing that this resonated with so many people, Mel Robbins published a podcast episode on theory a couple weeks later. And then that podcast episode just blew up. It was the sixth most shared podcast episode in the world that year, which is also crazy. Mel Robbins in her book, obviously have massive appeal. And no matter how you feel about it, no matter what your knee jerk reaction is to it, it is an indicator of who we are collectively, where we are as a culture right now. Now, in some ways, it is the same old, same old message that we've heard. Focus on yourself, help yourself, empower yourself. We'll talk in depth about this in just a little bit. And this message, as you guys know, has been packaged, it's been repackaged for decades. Twenty years ago, it was your best life now by Joel Osteen. Ten years ago it was lean in by Sheryl Sandberg. A few years ago it was Girl wash your face by Rachel Hollis. And now it is let them. Now each of these books do have truths in them, including this book, the let them theory. But as Christians we have a responsibility to discern. Now this word discern, I looked into the etymology of this word. We get this word from the Latin word discerneri or dyson area. I guess I'm not sure exactly how to pronounce that last either, which means to separate or to sift apart. Now if you think about this word sift, the word comes from Old English and it means to pass something through a sieve or a fine mesh sleeve like a strainer, to keep what you want to keep, let go of the things that you want to let go of. So for the Christian, the strainer, the sieve, for every idea, concept and philosophy is the word of God, which is our only inerrant, infallible God breathed written authority that we have. So to discern means that we're not just seeing two options and choosing the right one over the wrong one, although that is part of our responsibility. But really this is about carefully separating the good from the bad and the good from the best. It is about distinguishing between worldly right and biblical right, between what sounds good and what is good, between worldly wisdom and God, godly wisdom. Now when we do this, there are people, even other professing Christians, who will mock you for questioning popular theories. They'll wag their fingers at you for say, questioning whether empathy should be our highest virtue or if self love is really required to love other people well, or whether Taylor Swift is really a positive role model for women. Etc, they'll call you a pharisee, a fundamentalist, judgmental. They'll say all of these things have changed their lives and how dare you question it at all. And while we do, as Christians have to be careful not to become self righteous, we should never be shamed out of being discerning. Ephesians 5, 6, 10 says this, Let no one deceive you with empty words. For because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them. For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light, for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true. And try to discern, try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Now remember a couple things about how Satan works. And this is not me calling this entire theory satanic. I'll get into the good and the bad and the ugly. This is me Just reminding us of the importance of discernment. So a couple things about Satan. One, Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. Wow. How deceiving. 2 Corinthians 11:14 says that. And then he also uses half truths to relay a whole lie. He did this in the garden. Did God really say he did this with Jesus himself in the wilderness? Using God's word to try to persuade Jesus to give in to temptation. So don't ever stop testing popular mantras and ideas that the world offers you, even when you feel like you are the only one. And the good news is, you're not the only one. There are thousands and thousands of Christians who not only listen to this podcast, but are weighing what they hear and what they think against the word of God. And y', all, thousands of those women are coming to Share the arrows on October 11, y'. All. It is only about a month away. It's a little over a month away. I am so excited. Like, I'm just, I've got the anticipation growing, all the memories from last year coming back, the how it felt that day to walk into the venue to see all of you, to worship alongside you. Like, I have to look into a camera every time I do this podcast. And while I do my best to picture my audience like in the carpool line or doing dishes or going on a walk with your kids, like, sometimes it can be hard to feel connected to you on a day to day basis. So what a blessing it is just to get to sit and learn and encourage with all of you. And that's what you're going to get at Share of the Arrows. We are going to get true discernment. We are going to be edified. You are going to be refreshed. You are going to be reminded that you are not alone. You are going to make lifelong friendships, y'. All. I love the messages that I got last year. One of the messages said I walked out of there with zero fear of man. Candace Cameron Bure just posted about Share the Arrows. She spoke last year and she said, look, this conference is not for the faint of heart. And that's true. It's for women who want to be challenged. You want to go deep theologically in apologetics, how to apply those things to every sphere of your life. So come to Share the Arrows, y'. All. You're not alone. We are going to learn so much. If you go to sharethe arrows.com you can get your ticket today and you can use any first name of any of the speakers, plus the number 15 when you press unlock on Ticketmaster and that'll take 15 15% off your ticket price. So for example, you could use Hillary 15. That'll take 15% off. Come join us. We've got VIP options as well. If you're interested in our VIP dinner and meeting some of the speakers, just go to sharethe arrows.com it's brought to you by our friends at Every Life this year. Go to share the arrows.com and before we get into the rest of our episode, let me tell you about seven Weeks Coffee. Seven Weeks Coffee will also be at Share the Arrows. They will be supplying our caffeine for the morning with which I'm so pumped about because I genuinely love the taste of seven Weeks Coffee. We enjoy it so much in our home. It is organic, it is clean, it is mold and pesticide free. It is all sustainably sourced. But the best part is they donate 10% of every sale of seven weeks coffee to pregnancy centers across the country. That has translated into saving thousands of lives because because of you, they have now been able to donate over a million dollars to pregnancy centers. Y'. All. How many lives have been saved just because you have allowed your coffee to serve a higher purpose? Like you will get to heaven and you will meet some of the moms and babies that your purchase helped save and helped encourage one day. And that is just an amazing thought. How the Lord works together, all of the efforts of believers to give himself glory and to benefit other people. So be a part of that story. Go to 7weekscoffee.com use code ALLY. When you do, you'll save 10% on your order. Go to 7weeksCOffee.com code ALLY okay, I'm just going to warn you for those who sometimes have complaints about the, about the number of ads, I'm just going to warn you because I waited 15 minutes to do my first ad. Some of these are going to be kind of close together, but we, we just have to do that. So please just bear with me. We love all of our sponsors. It's how you get to listen to and watch this show for free. And plus, I know that you guys love hearing about how to support Christian and values aligned companies. All right, let's get back into this. Let's talk about who Mel Robbins is. She is an author, she is a podcaster. She is a motivational speaker. She's a former lawyer and a legal analyst. She faced unemployment and debt in 2008. She calls this her rock bottom. And then she, she really wanted to speak and so she was posting things on social media. She created this productivity theory or tool called the five second rule. Basically involves counting and then doing the thing that you don't want to do. And this kind of launched her self help career. She did a 2011 TedX talk and that has amassed like 20 million YouTube views or already had by 2019. So she had a name for herself. She was going on the podcast circuit, she was speaking. Her background, her worldview is, is informed by spiritualism and also Buddhism. She says this I am a deeply spiritual person and my husband is a Buddhist, but I still love going to church like I did with my parents when I was young. And she visited a church service on Easter a couple years ago. She says that day I was reminded that every one of us will experience many small deaths in our lifetime. Job, friendship, etc. When times get dark, always remember at some point that the boulder in front of you. Wow, she's really using this resurrection imagery here. The boulder in front of you will be gone and the light will shine back and you will rise into a new version of yourself. Life is an ever ending, never ending cycle of small deaths and experiences of rebirth. No matter where you are in that cycle. Have faith that love and goodness are coming soon.
- [17:45]
Guest or Contributor
Here's thought to the story of Easter is reminding you that every time you feel like a part of you is dying, you need to hold hope and belief and faith that better days are coming. That goodness, that love, that light will emerge and that you will be reborn anew. I just love that because it's so true. No matter how dark it is, keep going.
- [18:15]
Allie
Okay, so to her, and this is very common among even people who call themselves Christians, but progressive Christians, and that is this belief that the resurrection is a metaphor. They see Jesus as either a moral teacher or even an archetype that we should aspire to. But they don't see him as Savior. They certainly don't see him as an authority. They don't see him as God himself. They don't see his resurrection as something that literally happened bodily, that is a miracle that confirms his divinity and confirms his power. They don't think of it as this. This is true resurrection hope for those who believe in Jesus that one day we will too be resurrected and that we get to spend eternity with him by grace through faith in Him. They're not believing in the Gospel. They are all and self help gurus think this way. They are looking to spiritual principles and how can we kind of take them from their original form and turn them into something that is practical and helpful for me right now. And that might sound like an okay interpretation and application of Scripture, but when you strip Scripture and the Gospel story of its real meaning and real purpose, when you reduce Jesus to just an archetype or kind of a mascot, like some superhero, fictional superhero that you can look to, then you rob the Gospel of its power and you can't allow it to work in your life, which of course, would be a lot more miraculous than you getting your you know, what together, because you use the resurrection as a metaphor. So she uses Buddhism to kind of inform her beliefs about the let them theory and, and what it means and how we should apply it. And before we get into a little bit more about Buddhism, I just want to read you this analysis. The Let them theory from Psychology Today. At its core, the let them theory is grounded in the psychological locus of control theory developed by Julian B. Rotter in the 1950s. The locus of control attribution theory distinguishes between external internal perceptions of control. And then she goes on. The psychologist for Psychology Today goes on to say, the let them theory intersects significantly with Buddhist principles, particularly the concept of non attachment, which emphasizes letting go of the desire to control outcomes as a path to inner peace. Additionally, it touches on attachment theory and psychology, which shows how those with anxious attachment styles may seek control to secure emotional safety. The let them theory offers a liberating alternative, promoting security through acceptance and detachment, embodying the Toltec wisdom of letting go with love and without fear. Toltec is ancient pagan culture, a philosophy that teaches the release of attachment to foster emotional and spiritual freedom. Now, Buddhism, there's a lot that we could get to into with Buddhism. Buddhism is obviously Eastern mysticism. There's an emphasis on emptying the mind. There is an emphasis on solitude and silence and avoidance of all conflict. Now, it manifests itself in a variety of ways, and it contradicts Christianity, of course, because there's like a graven image of this Buddha guy that people bow down to. But also in Christianity, we see an emphasis on community. We see an emphasis on meditating richly on Scripture, not emptying the mind, which actually makes you vulnerable to all kinds of lies and Satan's voice. And so Buddhism and Christianity diverge in many, many ways, of course, the biggest one being that it is a false religion, that it is idolatry. But it has become vogue over the past several years, probably several decades in the west for even professing Christian leaders to say, oh, let's just abandon Western ways of thinking. And how we interpret Christianity and religion today is just Westernized it's just white. And we've glorified these issues, Eastern mystical ways of living and thinking, because we think that it's closer to Jesus. It's very, very strange. But it's pagan. It's pagan. And there's a reason why Eastern cultures are the way that they are, because they are heavily emphasized or heavily influenced by paganism. Now what's interesting about the let them theory is that it draws upon Buddhism. It draws upon these ancient philosophies. Mel Robbins says that she relies on ancient ways of thinking, therapeutic modalities, major world religions such as Stoicism and other spiritual practices. But what is intriguing is that there are no references to any Bible verses in the book that we caught in our research. So the most popular, most influential religious worldview out there, especially in the west where she lives, like, no drawing from that whatsoever. The only religious teaching that we saw included, like, truly religious, not just a philosophy, is Buddhism. So she writes this Buddhism and radical acceptance teach that suffering comes from resisting reality. The pain we feel often stems from wishing things were different than they were. The let them theory helps you not only accept reality, but also separate yourself from the need to change it. You acknowledge that others actions and choices are not yours to control. And in doing so, you reclaim your emotional freedom. This is radical acceptance in its most empowering form. And for the Christian, like, we're going to get into this more, but we should stop right there. Suffering comes from resisting reality. Certainly resisting reality can cause suffering, but sometimes it is the reality that is causing suffering. And suffering is not always something to avoid in the Christian life. It is something to be sanctified through. It is something to actually accept with the help of Christ. And it might not have anything to do with your mindset or your locus of control. So right there we should already be seeing things that make us go, huh? Is that really true or does it just sound kind of true? Now there is some controversy about where this idea actually comes from. Does it really originate from Mel Robbins or should someone else be getting the credit? And I think that's relevant as we analyze the validity of this theory. But let me pause, tell you better. Next sponsor, it's Adele Natural Cosmetics. You guys know how much I love Adele. I use their products every day. I think their favorite product is the oil based cleanser, the essential cleanser that I use every day. I also use their essential moisturizing spray, but you could really use that for anything. You could use that for perfume. You could use that for like body spray for room freshener I love that all of their products are completely natural. They're totally holistic. You don't have any synthetic ingredients in there. And I love their Blue Lagoon line too. That's like extra luxurious. Smells really good. So if you're looking for all natural products, not just skin care, not just body oil, but also cosmetics, then you need to check out Adele Natural cosmetics. They are the real deal. Not only do they handcraft all of their products in the U S they are also unapologetically Pro life Christian family owned company. They are just awesome. Go to adelenaturalcosmetics.com use code ALLY. You'll get 25 off your first time purchase. That's Adele natural cosmetics.com code ALLY okay, so there's a woman by the name of Cassie Phillips. She's a 32 year old mother of two and she told the New York Post this year that she posted a poem called let them on Facebook in 2022. She says she wrote this poem, that it went viral at the time and she also posted a photo of the phrase let them tattooed on her forearm. Okay. She now alleges that Mel Robbins took her concept and hasn't given her credit. So let me just read you a few lines of this poem. So this is by Cassie Phillips. She said she posted it on Facebook few years ago. Just let them. If they want to choose something or someone over you, let them. If they want to go weeks without talking to you, let them, et cetera. Let them lose you. You were never theirs because you were always your own. So let them. Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you. Let them prove how worthy they are of your time. Let them make the necessary steps to be a part of your life. Let them earn your forgiveness. Let them. Let them call you to talk about ordinary things. Let them talk about anything and everything just because it's you. They are talking to you. Let them have a safe place in you. Let them see the heart in you that didn't harden. Let them love you. So different kinds of let them. Like if they want to reject you, let them. If they want to love you, let them. And obviously, again, I don't agree with all of the concepts interwoven in here. That's not the point. Point. The point is that this theory almost in its entirety was clearly articulated by someone apparently in 2022, and she claims that she was kind of the person that put this out there and that Mel Robbins must have seen it, which of course we don't know, and then decided to run with it without giving her any, any credit. So Cassie Phillips posted on one of Mel Robbins posts a while ago saying it was inspired by a tattoo. My tattoo and my words. That is where the theory originated and where it went viral. You haven't been crediting. She also says that she reached out to Mel Robbins in 2023. So this would have been before the book came out, but when Mel Robbins was talking about it, actually very quickly after she first started talking about it on Instagram and on her podcast just a few days after that, Cassie says that she messaged her this. I know you're receiving many messages. I wanted to touch up on your let them theory. That phrase began before with Medea. I, however, am the originator of the theory and the mantra that went viral. Beginning the tattoo and the poems spreading, and then she says her name. She's very kind in the message, the quotes, and the theory came afterwards in my post that went viral. Again, thank you for sharing my theory and going into detail about how it works for you. So it sounds to me, if we are to take this person's words as truth, it sounds to me like she just wanted some credit. I don't know that she necessarily false Mel Robbins for being savvy and for having an amazing platform and for expounding upon her theory. In some ways, all ideas, or most ideas originated from someone else and people are adding on to them. But using that phrase verbatim, I'm sure hurt and she probably just wanted some credit for it. But Robbins, when confronted with this accusation, told the New York Post that she didn't take the idea from this woman, Cassie Phillips. She said, my book is not about two words. I built an entire theory citing the work of over 50 world renowned experts and turned it into a tool to help you improve your life. So I don't think that she is arguing that she originated the words or that she originated the idea, but she is saying, look, I did all of these other things and that's why people are paying me the big bucks. Those are my words. Robbins reiterated. People can obsess over any detail, but the facts are simple. I have not seen her poem, I have not read her poem and it was not and will never be the source of inspiration for my book. This is nonsense. She said, I've spent 10 years shining a light on other people's work, so the allegation that I would steal someone else's work is ridiculous. As I write in the let them theory, you cannot control what people say, do or feel or choose to make up about you. All right. Okay. What I would probably say to that is that it is possible, if we are to give her the benefit of the doubt, it is certainly possible that she saw that idea circulating. She had no idea where it came from. She didn't know that it came from a viral poem. She just saw it out there, and she said, wow, I'm gonna expound upon that. I'm gonna start applying that to my life. And, you know, she didn't. She didn't know that it came from this Cassie Phillips person or she didn't know how pervasive that was. And that's fine. Although I do think that when you start digging into an idea, you. It would be hard not to come across something with that exact phraseology that had already gone viral. But again, maybe she just didn't know. Maybe she didn't know where it started from. Perhaps. Now, she claims that she got this epiphany. She says that she got this idea very organically from her daughter on her son's prom night, that she was trying to control everything. She couldn't control everything. And so this is where she had her Aha moment. SOT 5.
- [32:01]
Guest or Contributor
Never in a million years did I think I would be telling you that my life changed at a high school prom. I can't believe this is where it happened. But I was at a high school prom. I discovered something at a high school prom that changed my life. I just heard about this thing called the let them theory.
- [32:16]
Allie
The high school prom that she's claimed as the original epiphany moment for her discovery happened the day after she told us that she had just learned about the theory. Okay, so that commentary right? There was someone named Andy. Mort. He's a YouTuber. You really have to watch that, by the way, to understand, like, what's going on in that. In that moment and what people are trying to say. They're trying to say the dates are off. You can see them highlighted if you're watching on Spotify or on YouTube. So there are some questions about when this happened, how this happened, where she really got it from. What is not in question is the power of her platform and her effectiveness in communicating this idea, whoever actually started this idea. So she believes, she says, that the theory strikes a nerve because controlling behavior is a common struggle that is driven by our anxiety or a need for certainty. And she is saying, when you catch yourself doing it, you are fighting against the current. Drop the oars, and the boat naturally just floats downstream. Robbins names three situations where the let them theory should not apply when someone is doing something dangerous like, like driving drunk or when you need to advocate for yourself negotiating a salary or when someone repeatedly crosses your boundaries. So if you're in a situation where you need to ask for what you need or advocate for yourself, do not let somebody just decide those things. She says here she assumes that if you have set healthy boundaries, that you have set healthy boundaries and doesn't actually teach you how to set them or enforce them. But she's just saying people have violated your boundaries, you can't let them do that or you have to remove yourself from that situation. She also says that there are three ways to apply the let them theory. 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Not to forget your lunch. You'll go hungry. That just sounds extreme to me. Sounds extreme. But she says, also stop trying to change others to fit your vision of their potential. Robin's notes. We all make the mistake of getting into relationships with the potential. And when you focus on someone's potential, you're not letting them be themselves. She also explains that jealousy is a form of control often rooted in of the fear. Fear of not being loved. I would pretty much agree with that. She advises using the let them theory to let partners or friends engage in activities that make them happy, like spending time with others. She says, if you want more love, which is why you're jealous, then let them do what they're going to do. You're showing them that you love them as they are. Okay. She also provides three tools to apply the theory. She says you should ask, what am I afraid of? To identify the root of your controlling behavior, ask what business am I in? To focus on your own actions and feelings rather than others. Ask what feels more like peace? To choose actions that align with emotional calm over control. She also says that there's another part of the let them theory, and that is let me. And that's an important part of this detachment from trying to control others and instead shifting your energy towards being able to control what you can control. Here's thought three.
- [37:36]
Guest or Contributor
Let me is the most important part, because let me is when you remind yourself. Let me remind myself that I always have power. Let me remind myself that my thoughts are in my control, my actions are in my control. How I process my feelings are in my control. Let me remind myself that no matter what's happening out there, I get to choose what's worth my time. I get to choose what's worth my energy.
- [38:00]
Allie
Okay, I think that we can agree that there is some truth to what she just said there. Now. She also emphasizes within this part of the let them theory that it's all about self love, which of course is not novel. That's what we've been hearing for years, especially from all these female influencers. And they act like this is the most radical, empowering, novel idea that, wow, you should just think about yourself and love yourself more. Here's up four.
- [38:27]
Guest or Contributor
The truth is, everything you're looking for starts with you. Let me prioritize my own happiness. Let me pursue my dreams with passion. Let me set boundaries that protect my peace. Let me choose relationships that uplift and inspire me. Let me love myself enough to walk away when it just no longer works. Love doesn't require you to wait for the right partner or the right friend or the right opportunity to come along. It's about recognizing that you are the source of your own happiness, your own fulfillment and your own joy. And when you truly embrace that, everything else falls into place. You are the love of your life.
- [39:10]
Allie
You are not the source of your own happiness. How you feel about yourself is incredibly fickle. It changes depending on how you slept last night, what you ate that morning, what people are saying on the Internet that day, what time of the month it is. If you rely on yourself for your own happiness, you are going to not only be exhausted, but ironically, you're also going to be very sad. Because what have we said for years now? What did I write about in my first book? The self can't be both the problem and the solution. If inside yourself you are finding anxiety and doubt and all of these very real feelings of depression and inadequacy, you are not going to find this illusion to those things in the same place that you are finding your problems. See, Mel Robbins is not offering anything new. It is just a repackaged version of self love, self help slop that leads women into this world of like dopamine. Finally I have this thing, I have this system, I have this process, I have this phrase that's going to make me happy, that's going to make me release all my fears. And I'm finally going to find that satisfaction, that success, that true love that I've longing for. And they go on this hamster wheel wheel of self empowerment only to find that it leads them nowhere. It leads them to a dead end. Self love will not satisfy you. And the fact of the matter is, is that life does not allow you to disentangle yourself from hardship at all times. Life does not allow you to always prioritize your own happiness. This because you know what? Sometimes it's not your happiness that matters. Sometimes you are not the thing or the person that matters at all in a situation. I can think of a lot of relationships and a lot of obligations and a lot of situations where what is being called for is your complete and total self denial, not your self empowerment. And so I understand why Mel Robbins is so popular because people are always thinking, okay, maybe this is, this is the way that I can idolize myself. This is the way that I can be my own happiness. This is the way I can finally be my own God. I mean, this has been the human propensity since the Garden of Eden. And yet I promise you will end up that if what she just said is the guiding mantra of your life, you will end up very sad and very lonely and very unfulfilled guilt. Now, she is going to be very rich, but you will be very impoverished when it comes to the satisfaction and fulfillment that you are seeking in your life. Now, there are people out there already saying this, that, hey, I tried this and this doesn't work. I, I tried the let them theory and it is, you know, it's not, it's not working for me. Here's a tick tock user who shared her disagreement about this let them theory. Here's thought six.
- [42:25]
TikTok User
I'm coming on here to say that I disagree with the Mel Robbins let them theory. She's like, your friends go out to dinner and leave you out. Let them. Your boyfriend doesn't buy flowers when you want him to. Let them. My friend's leaving me out of dinner. I'm gonna be like, guys, why'd you leave me on out? Boyfriend's not buying you flowers. See ya. Let them know. Don't let them. Don't let someone treat you like that. Stick up for yourself, like no shade. How about don't let them?
- [42:58]
Allie
I think probably just to give Mel Robbins's theory a little bit of advocacy here, I think the devil's advocate position would be, well, sure, you can stick up for yourself or you can confront someone, but you have to release yourself from expending all of your energy and trying to change what they think or what they do. You can't change. You can tell them your feelings and you can confront them about it, but at the end of the day, don't spend all of your energy trying to change that person. If you want to break up with your boyfriend, break up with them. If you want to confront your friends, confront them. But don't waste your time trying to change them or control them because you can't do that. So I'm just against that. TikTok. I'm kind of defending the truth of the let them theory or what it actually is arguing. Now, here's another one. I already know those patterns and those behaviors are unhealthy. I know that. That is why I'm coming here to read the book. I need you to help me because I am expecting you to have done research on what strategies exist so that I change those unhealthy behaviors. Books like the Let them theory assume that their audience is not intelligent. But if they feed them these very aspirational big picture words, their less than intelligent audience will receive it and think the absolute world. And that gets down to a lot of people's problem with the let them theory, even just from a secular, practical perspective. You can see this in a lot of the comments. People are like, okay, I lost my friends because I let them, or this happened with my employee or my boss because I let them now what? Or hey, I let them leave me out, but now I'm really lonely. What do I do with this loneliness? And I think that is a big deficit with this theory. And again, we'll get into a little bit more about the goods and the bads and the biblical and the unbiblical in a second. But. But people are already starting to feel, okay, this might be like a stop gap saying let them in your mind when someone won't do what you want them to do, might be able to get you through that moment without getting anxious, but the problem still needs to be solved and the emotion still needs to be addressed. And now maybe your life is in shambles because you let these people and these problems run amok and all you did was release them without thinking, okay, but how do I wisely navigate this? And so as people are realizing, okay, well what's the, what is the solution to all of this then? We'll get into that in just a second because thankfully we do have the answers. My next sponsor is Every Life, y'. All. I love Every Life. They are the Pro Life Diaper Company. We use their diapers and wipes in our home. Love them so much. They use their resources to donate to pregnancy centers to make sure that pregnant moms in crisis are well taken care of, that their babies are loved and well resourced. But they don't just make diapers and wipes. They make lots of awesome products. And they just came out with this new product, this belt bag. It's waterproof, premium nylon. There's a spacious interior. It's got multiple pockets like you can put the their travel wipes in. And they just came out with these travel wipes that are super handy and convenient. You can fit those in there. You could probably fit a couple diapers in there. Reinforced stitching for every wear, adjustable strap. There's the logo. It's all made in the US they sent me one. Love it so much. They've got pink, they've got oat milk, they've got Camel. They've got Midnight. All different kinds of colors and styles. So check it out. If you're a busy mom on the go, you're looking for an extra place to put your phone, to put your keys that you can easily access. You don't have to go to the bottom of your diaper bag. Then get this belt bag. Go to everylife.com that's everylife.com use code ALI10 for 10 off your first order. That's everylife.com code ALI10. So Melissa Doherty, a guest that we've had on the show before, she did a review of the Let Them theory, and she points out some really sound critiques. I think she says that the book was endorsed by Oprah Winfrey. So that's a point against it in the Christian worldview because Oprah Winfrey teaches and promotes New Thought. Now, if you want to know what new thought is, you can read Melissa's book. You can go back to the episode that we did with Melissa. We will link it in. The description of this episode and New Thought emphasizes the power of positive thinking. The beliefs that. The belief that individuals possess some kind of inner divinity, often described as Christ consciousness. And this is not worshiping Jesus Christ. This is again, seeing Jesus as some kind of archetype and that we can actually kind of like, become Jesus. That inside we have these inner goddesses. This is what I wrote about, and you're not enough. And that's okay. That inside we have these inner goddesses that are just waiting to be released. And right now they're held back by other people's expectations, by society's arbitrary designations and structures, by our own negative thoughts. And once we finally love ourselves and see ourselves as we really are, these powerful goddesses, then this inner divine spark will be unleashed and we'll finally be satisfied and we'll be unstoppable. Like, this is the narrative that is being packaged and repackaged for women over and over again. And Oprah, of course she believes this. She's hugely successful. And that's a theme for a lot of these people. They believe that their theories have credibility because they're rich and because. Because they've sold a lot of books. But Jesus tells us that richness, that wealth is not necessarily an indication of God's favor or that you're credible or that you're righteous, that people should be listening to you at all. Of course, everything we have can be, is a gift from God. But. But we also read that it is harder for a rich person to enter the kingdom of heaven than it is for a camel to go through the eye of a needle. Now, with God all things are possible, but we know that wealth can actually be an inhibitor rather than an indication of God's favor. So that's just an aside there. Also, Melissa Doherty points out that the book's self focused advice prioritizes personal happiness over objective morality. She cites this page 124. Your job and responsibility is to live your life in a way that is aligned with your values and what you know deep down is true for you. So completely arbitrary doesn't give people any direction whatsoever who are like, wait, what is right? What is virtue? What is good? What kind of standards should I be aspiring to? What kind of prism should I use to discern the correct decision to make? And so I, I think that this is almost used. The let them is almost used as like an incantation to remind yourself of some magical power to make you let go of these things that you can't control. And that can actually work temporarily. I think it can work in a superficial sense. So like the truth about the let them theory, here's the truth. This is now my perspective. The truth is that you can't control other people. That is true. Their words, their habits, their behaviors. Since you can't control other people, you should stop spending your energy frustrated by them, anxious about them, trying to fix them or change them. Your friend no longer wants to be friend with friends with you because of your politics. Let them. Your spouse doesn't load the dishwasher right? Let them. Your child doesn't want to play soccer this season. Let them. You should release control. You should stop being anxious. You should stop complaining, stop grumbling, stop comparing. But here's my caveat to all of these things. Some things you cannot allow. Sometimes healthy confrontation is necessary. And of course, I think Mel Robbins would agree with this part. You always protect yourself and others from physical harm, but you shouldn't carry the emotional weight, this theory would say, of trying to fix them. And here's the thing is that the pain of letting people do wrong or not meet your very fair and justified expectations is real. And the consequences of letting them can be real. And obviously there are just some very specific contexts in which you cannot allow people to do things like you cannot allow your children. You can't just let your children do things. I mean, there are many instances in motherhood where you can't just let them, that you actually have to prevent some things from happening. So it might be more accurate to say let the little Things go, let what you can't control go. But there are some things that you have to take authority over that involve other people. So what do we do with that? What do we do with our very real feelings that come with the consequence of letting them? How do we handle real harm caused? Now, the answer from the let them theory is yourself. So the lies that we see from the let them theory is that the goal is the self, self fulfillment, self power, self reliance, self help, self discovery, self focus. She says, when you love yourself, you glow from the inside. You attract people who love, respect, and appreciate your energy. Everything starts with how you feel about yourself. Now, before we even get into scripture, ask yourself if that's true. The people who focus the most on themselves and how they feel and how everything is affecting them, are those the happiest people you know? Are those the most confident and glowing people that you know? Are those the most stable people that you know? Or very often are those the most insecure and bitter and unstable people that you know because they are so very concerned about their own feelings and about their own happiness? Now, let's get into the most important thing here, what the Bible has to say. But let me pause, tell you about our last sponsor before we get into that. And our last sponsor for the day is Shopify, y'. All. I'm so thankful for Shopify. They make setting up an e commerce site really, really easy. So if you've got a great product, you've got your artwork, you've got merchandise, whatever it is you're trying to sell, you don't want to have to go through the difficult process of finding a website developer and trying to set this shop up on your own. You don't have time. You might not have the money for it. So go with Shopify. They make it really easy. It's what we use to sell our merchandise to you guys. Especially if you are a small business owner, you want to spend your time actually making the product you're trying to sell. Like, that's why you started this, right? So you could make art, so you could sell jewelry, so you could sell the things that you want to sell and make sure that you are adding value to people's life. Don't waste your time writing product descriptions like, that's what Shopify is for. They have put in place this really easy system. They can help you with every single bit of E commerce. So turn your big business idea or your small business that you've already started into with Shopify on your side, sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com Alli that's a dollar per month trial with my link shopify.com Alli the only time that we see this concept of self love in Scripture it is spoken of negatively. 2 Timothy 3:1:7 I think we actually said this passage last week on the show too. But understand this that in the last days there will come times of difficulty for people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful and holy, heartless, unappeasable, slanders without self control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God having the appearance of godliness but denying its power. Wow, that's a lot of what we just read and watched avoid such people, for among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women. Hmm, I wonder who the primary audience is of this self empowerment stuff. Burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, always learning but never able to arrive at a knowledge of truth that is the consistent target audience for this self help stuff. The only positive kind of self thing, self dash, something that we see in Scripture is self control self denial. So really what we see in scripture is that the self is something that doesn't need to be liberated, it needs to be tamed. It needs to be held back. Our flesh needs to be told. No, our emotions need to be bridled by Jesus. Our emotions are real. They're not always bad, but they have to be in submission to objective reality and biblical truth. Spurgeon said this if any man thinks ill of you, don't be angry with him, for you are worse than he thinks you to be. So that is actually the biblical way of releasing our anxiety over what other people think of us. Not by saying, well, no, I'm great. No, I think I'm perfect. No, I really am beautiful and I'm worth it and I'm all of these things. It's oh, they don't know how bad I really am. They don't know the sin that Jesus had to save me from. They don't know all of the layers of corruption and deceit that are in my heart that I desperately need Jesus to not only save me from, but sanctify me of. When we see ourselves in that humble light, that is actually what releases the us from this anxiety of being thought of in a particular way. Remember, the self can't be both the problem and the solution, and the self is the problem. Sin in the self is the problem and Christ is the solution. And the solution is getting a new self, not getting an improved self, not getting a liberated or empowered self, but a new self in Christ. Second Corinthians 5:17 through 18 says, Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed, behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ, reconciled us to himself. That is what the freedom. That is where the freedom comes from. Look, people want solutions for how to be happier, more successful, more satisfied. I think they really like Mel Robbins's tough love approach. I like the tough love approach. I think it's very popular right now. That's another reason why people love Dave Ramsey. It's just like, tell me how to get out of this toxic situation, how to feel better, and how to be more successful. And I think a lot of their tips can really work. And in bits and pieces, they can be true. Because all truth is God's truth, no matter who's saying it. And in as far as something is biblically true, of course it can be right and it can be helpful. But the problem is, is that they are half truths. And when followed wholesale, they will lead you in a bad direction. Theologian R.C. sproul said, no matter how much knowledge is psychiatrist or psychologist or sociologist or even a theologian has about human behavior, it is at best severely limited. It's the knowledge and the advice and the recommendation of someone who lacks one quality omniscience. So that's knowing everything. Our presupposition as Christians is that the advice in the council that we receive from Scripture is the insight in the counsel and the advice of the omniscient Ancient One speaking to us, his fallible creatures. And here's what he tells us. Here's what God tells us. Philippians 4:6 through 7. Don't be anxious about anything. But in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your request be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. So there's the true not let them theory, but let God theology. So instead of let them theory, we have the let God theology. Let God do what he is going to do. Let him give you peace in exchange for your anxiety. So here he acknowledges your anxiety and he tells you what to actually do about it. He says, give it to me, lay it at my feet. Give me your heavy burden, give me your difficult yoke, and I will replace it with something light and easy. I will give you the peace that passes, the understanding that you have of this current situation, the complications of your current relationship, whatever difficulty is in this circumstance, give that to me because I am doing something that you cannot see and I love you and I have plans to prosper you and not to harm you. That doesn't necessarily mean earthly success or earthly, or earthly prosperity or earthly healing, but it does mean that God is working all things together for the good of those who love him. That is Romans 8:28 so the release that you feel comes from surrender to Christ first. Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxieties on him because he cares for you. Proverbs 3:5 through 6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Don't lean on your own understanding. In all your ways. Acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Jesus says Matthew 11:28 30 Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden and and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. That word used for rest there means inward peace while outwardly laboring. So while you are fulfilling your responsibilities, while you are doing all the things that you have to do, maybe you're busy, maybe your schedule is full and you can't, you can't just stop for an hour and actually kick your feet up. Jesus gives you inward rest and inward renewal no matter what others are doing. So instead of focusing on yourself, focus on Christ. Focus on what he's done for you. Focus on the value and the worth and the love that he has given you by what he has done on the cross. Because your ability to remind yourself of all of the catchy mantras to love yourself, to empower yourself, remember, is so unreliable. It is so, so fickle. But Hebrews 13:8 tells us that Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever. So you can always look to the immovable signal of how loved you are and that is on the cross and the sacrifice that he made for you and the blood that he poured out for you. That is better than washing your face. That is better than letting them. That is better than leaning in. That is better than all of the, the self help theories that will come and go for the next several decades. At the end of the day, your satisfaction will only be found in the Gospel. All right, that's all we got time for today, y'. All. We will be back here on Friday.