Podcast Summary:

Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey
Ep 1272 | Your Self-Care Is Making You Weak: Therapist Drops Hard Truths | RaQuel Hopkins
Date: November 26, 2025
Host: Allie Beth Stuckey
Guest: RaQuel Hopkins ("the capacity expert")

Overview

This episode brings licensed therapist, coach, and HR professional RaQuel Hopkins onto the show to challenge popular narratives around self-care, mental health, and emotional fragility, all from a refreshingly tough-love perspective. Hopkins, known for her viral takes as “the capacity expert,” advocates for moving beyond symptom management and self-protection toward optimizing mental health, capacity, and resilience—with a grounding in personal responsibility and faith.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. A New Approach to Mental Health: Optimization Over Protection

• Mental health “optimization”

  • Hopkins describes a paradigm shift that occurred when she encountered a definition of mental health centered on “optimization” rather than the popular “protect your peace/protect your mental health” mantra.
  • Quote [04:33]:

    “I remember coming across a definition of mental health that I cannot find today...but there was one word in there, and it was optimization. And I was like, optimization. So I’m not supposed to protect my peace, protect my mental health? What would it look like to actually optimize my mental health?” – RaQuel Hopkins

• Nurture vs. Protection

  • Nurturing oneself, rather than shielding oneself from all harm, leads to growth and capacity. Being excessively self-centered in self-care practices often leads to unhappiness.
  • Quote [07:09]:

    “Taking care of yourself is not so much about protection ... When I think about nurturing oneself, that is what mental health is more about. ... The goal is not to become self-centered in your worldviews, your beliefs, your ways of operating. …And that’s why that word optimization stood out to me, because I was the queen of protect your peace and protect your mental health. Yeah, but I was not happy.” – RaQuel Hopkins

2. Self-Care: More Than Quick Fixes

• Doing more, not just less
  • Hopkins explains that self-care should be about how we show up in the world (alignment, mental clarity, presence) instead of instant symptom relief.
  • Quote [12:58]:

    “A lot of times ... self-care is the instant gratification or I like to say, managing our symptoms. And if we are constantly focusing on managing our symptoms ... you never really learn how to grow through those things or find sustainable solutions.” – RaQuel Hopkins

3. The Dangers of Fragility and “Toxic Empathy”

• Therapy culture and emotional fragility

  • Allie asks if therapy has made people weak. RaQuel reframes this as “fragile,” stressing we’re validating feelings instead of pushing for growth and struggle.
  • Quote [13:40]:

    “I would use the word fragile, and I would say, well, yeah, I mean, call a spade a spade, right? Yeah, we can say weak.” – RaQuel Hopkins

• Feelings are not always facts

  • Emotions should not be given unchecked validation; growth requires discomfort and working through pain instead of avoidance.
  • Quote [14:10]:

    “A lot of us want to feel better, but does anybody really want to become better? Because if the goal is always on feeling better, how do you actually grow as a person?” – RaQuel Hopkins

• Empathy with accountability

  • Hopkins and Stuckey discuss “toxic empathy” – when understanding is unconditional and unmoored from accountability or truth.
  • Quote [15:11]:

    “I think that anytime that empathy is not coupled with accountability, then I don’t think that that is a reflection of kindness or compassion.” – RaQuel Hopkins

4. Children, Resilience, and Emotional Development

• Parenting for capacity, not comfort

  • Example: letting children work through fights and discomfort rather than parental rescue builds problem-solving and resilience.
  • Quotes [25:14] / [26:14]:

    “I will watch my children fight ... Because I think that you have to learn how to resolve things on your own...” – RaQuel Hopkins
    “They figured it out. ... We have forgotten that people will figure things out if you create the space for them to do so.” – RaQuel Hopkins

• Letting kids feel boredom or discomfort

  • Stuckey and Hopkins agree: parents must allow space for boredom, awkwardness, and responsibility as capacity-building exercises.

5. Adult Development & Capacity

• Defining capacity

  • More than “how much you can carry”—capacity is what you can productively and consistently produce, emotionally and mentally.
  • Quote [29:01]:

    “Capacity ... was more so about what can you produce consistently?” – RaQuel Hopkins

• The socialized mindset and institutional capture

  • Most adults are stuck in “socialized mindsets”—yearning for belonging at the expense of standing firm on values.
  • Hopkins refrains from defaulting to groupthink, which would compromise her integrity.

6. Personal Responsibility vs. Victim Mindset

• On diagnosis and identity

  • Hopkins warns against making diagnoses (anxiety, ADHD, etc.) central to our identities or as excuses to avoid challenge.
  • Quote [34:26]:

    “When did it ever become okay to make those things a part of your identity so much... it just means that maybe you will have to navigate the world a little differently ... But that doesn't mean that your potential changes.”

• The necessity of radical self-honesty

  • Compassion and honesty are both crucial for growth.
  • Quote [36:21]:

    “I can sit here and make up a bunch of excuses, or I can just say, you lack discipline. Does that mean that I’m not compassionate with myself? No ... but I think it's really hard to grow when you're not honest with yourself.” – RaQuel Hopkins

7. Burnout, Choice, and Making Meaning

• Burnout as spiritual/psychological disconnection

  • Burnout is more about being disconnected from your own heart and purpose, not merely about hours worked.
  • Quote [40:41]:

    “I think it’s a disconnection from your heart ... from understanding your needs, your wants, and your desires ... another form of revealing the lack of capacity that you have.” – RaQuel Hopkins

• Freedom in recognizing choice

  • Even in unideal circumstances, recognizing your own agency and meaning-making reduces burnout and creates fulfillment.
  • Quote [43:02]:

    “We have to acknowledge that we’re still making a choice, right? …I always say the greatest freedom is the freedom of choice. And as much as we feel like we don’t always have choice, you do.” – RaQuel Hopkins

8. Faith and Expanding Capacity

• Faith as an anchor
  • Grounding in faith (or any transcendent purpose) increases capacity by providing a foundation in truth and connection beyond emotion or identity.
  • Candidly, RaQuel discusses her nerves about appearing on a conservative podcast and resisting societal pressures to “socialize” her identity, finding strength in faith.
  • Quote [52:00]:

    “If capacity is about what you can consistently produce, I think that being grounded in something that doesn’t give you an out and or pass when circumstances reveal otherwise is what creates sustainability.” – RaQuel Hopkins

9. On Fragility, Victimhood, and Universal Human Experience

• No one has a monopoly on pain
  • Growth requires humility, the ability to hold complexity, and to not make oneself the perpetual main character of every story.
  • Quote [49:15]:

    “It’s almost like people, a lot of people today, feel like they have a monopoly on pain and just struggle and adversity. And when you start to really understand humans ... you’re able to separate yourself, subject versus object…” – RaQuel Hopkins

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• “Your pain is not unique and, or special.” [49:15] – RaQuel Hopkins
• “A lot of us want to feel better, but does anybody really want to become better?” [14:10] – RaQuel Hopkins
• “Empathy can be toxic… Any time that empathy is not coupled with accountability, then I don’t think that that is a reflection of kindness or compassion.” [15:11] – RaQuel Hopkins
• “The goal is not to become self-centered…at some point we’re all gonna look back over our lives and say, did I live with a sense of integrity or despair?” [07:09 / 08:53] – RaQuel Hopkins
• “You may not have caused it, but it still is your responsibility.” [38:32] – RaQuel Hopkins
• “If capacity is about what you can consistently produce, I think that being grounded in something that doesn’t give you an out and or pass when circumstances reveal otherwise is what creates sustainability.” [52:00] – RaQuel Hopkins

Significant Timestamps

• 02:06–04:33 — RaQuel’s professional journey and why she returned to school
• 04:33–08:53 — Why mental health should be about optimization, not “protecting your peace”
• 12:58–14:10 — Self-care and symptom management vs. sustainable growth
• 15:11–17:00 — Toxic empathy: the limits of validation
• 25:14–26:14 — Parenting for independence and resilience
• 29:01–31:59 — The concept of “capacity” and adult development
• 34:26–36:21 — The dangers of labels and making diagnoses central to your identity
• 40:41–41:49 — Burnout as disconnection from your heart
• 52:00–55:47 — Faith, capacity, and resisting societal pressure

Tone & Style

The episode’s tone is candid, direct, and infused with challenging but affirming “tough love.” Both Allie and RaQuel speak honestly about shortcomings in popular self-care/mindset culture, while rooting their critiques in Christian, personal responsibility, and growth-oriented values.

Where to Find RaQuel Hopkins

• Instagram: @raquelthecapacityexpert

This episode is a must-listen for anyone fatigued by the conventional self-care narratives and eager for a deeper, more empowering approach to mental health—one that embraces capacity, responsibility, and meaning, not just comfort.