B (25:04)
It was. It was. And I was hesitant to let my team or anybody at work know. Cause I felt so weak. And I didn't have a description. I didn't even tell my parents, right? Because I'm thinking, what do I. I don't even have a diagnosis to tell you or the language to tell you what this is, other than I'm in a really bad place. So Sheldon knew. And after reading that message board and these people talking about ending it, I thought, man, it would be so nice to just go to sleep. The Lord knows how much I'm struggling. Just wake up in heaven, like, just be done with this. I can't fathom another 40 years of my life living like this. There were times I couldn't fathom 40 seconds. I mean, I just was in such excruciating pain all the time. And I sat down and remember, it was a Sunday night. I sat on the bed, just pouring out my heart with Sheldon and crying. And he knew and saying, like, I'm really. This is as dark as it's gotten. And him saying, we will figure this out. We'll clean out our bank accounts to our last dime. We will find you the doctor. We're not going to give up on this. And I'd been so adverse to going back to medicine because it hadn't worked for me. Traditional Medicine. And I was always so struck during this by Paul's words in Corinthians, where he talks about that thorn in his flesh. And of course, I read that a million times, but now I was living it and saying, you know, he'd asked the Lord three times, take this from me. And the Lord's like, nope, my strength is made perfect in your weakness. And Paul goes on to say, therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me. So I never turned my back on God. Like, why are you letting this happen? I know for some people, that's a very natural part of their journey, and that's where they go. For me, I was just clinging even tighter to him and saying, okay, your answer may be no, you're not going to get healed of this. But please, please, Lord, give me somebody to help me with this. Send me to the right doctor. So I decided the next day I was just going to get up and start calling and start finding. And I'd seen an article on one particular doctor in D.C. who was just lauded across the board. I was afraid to go back to some fancy specialist, but it talked about him being very good with corneas. And I thought, this is where my problem is, and let me call. And I called and they were like, we're not really taking new patients. And I said, you know, do you have any cancellations? Can you put me on a list? I'll do anything. And they said, let me put you on hold. The woman came back and said, I just had a cancellation for tomorrow. Can you come? And I was like, thank you, Lord. And I said, I prayed, get me through one more night, just this night, till I can get to this doctor tomorrow. I was like, I will be there. I was filling in for my colleague the next day for Bret baer for his 6pm Eastern show. And I left during the middle of the day to go to this appointment. And I got there, and the physician's assistant was fantastic. They do the whole workup, you know, before the doctor comes in. And I could hear him slip the file into that slot outside. I heard the doctor pick it up, and when he came in, he said, oh, I know what you have before I had ever. He hadn't looked at my eyeballs, had done none of that. And it was this weird, hopeful feeling that I really had not had in almost two years at that point. And he said, but let me check you out. I'm 95% sure got to the end of it. He Said, this is what you have, and I'm certain of it. I'm surprised it wasn't more fully diagnosed and treated before. What was it? It's called MAP. Fingerprint Dystrophy, which is a mouthful, but I have a genetic condition that my corneas. Most people, you're your cornea cells root back into your eyeball, and mine don't do that. So they tear off very easily. So I was tearing my cornea every time this was happening. So if you've ever scratched your eye or done something like that, and the doctor said to me, it's like a soccer field and somebody's out there playing with their cleats and you're just ripping this grass over and over, and nobody ever repairs the field. It never gets better. You're just. You're digging deeper and deeper every time you have these tears. And he's like, I don't know how you've gotten through the past year or so, year and a half, with that level of pain. And I'm just so hopeful. I'm thinking, oh, my goodness, I have not slept more than two or three hours in over a year. I'm in pain all the time. And this guy finally has an answer. And I still, for years, would say to him, you're my answer to prayer. Which kind of weirded him out. He wasn't a believer. But I'm like, it's okay. You need to know you're my answer to prayer. And so even through that, God allows it to be a witness. But towards the end of that appointment, he said to me, before you go, here's the next appointment, here's the follow up we're going to do. Here's what we're going to try. There are a lot of different therapies we can try. But he said, just so you know, there's no cure for this. And that just sent me into a tailspin. I felt, God, how could you give me this bit of hope? It feels so cruel. I don't even remember leaving the office. I just wanted to get to my car as fast as I could because I was in complete panic mode at that point, thinking like, oh, no, he's told me what I have, but he's telling me there's no cure for this. And I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed in the car. I knew I needed to get back to work. I knew Sheldon was waiting for me to call him. And I really was crying out, like, lord, how can this be? How can this be the answer? And I heard him Say not in an audible voice, but I heard him in my spirit. If you felt that, say to me, not, I'm going to heal you, but I will be with you. And he says that so many times in scripture and every time I see it in someone's story, I'm like, thank you, Lord, for that promise. You've promised again and again, not that you're going to take away our pain or our trouble, but that you'll be with us. And that was enough for me to continue to go back to that doctor to try the therapies. Ultimately having a surgery which isn't a cure, but it's pretty close for me. And so I learned a lot through that. I would not choose it. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. But. But so much bittersweet there because it really deepened my faith in so many ways.