Podcast Summary

Relationship Rewire, Episode 36: “Not a Partnership”

Host: Jon R Anderson
Guests: Todd Jacobs and Dr. Peter Lynn (Authors, “Not a Partnership”)
Date: July 6, 2020

Episode Overview

In this episode, Jon R Anderson is joined by Todd Jacobs and Dr. Peter Lynn, co-authors of the marriage book Not a Partnership. Together, they discuss why thinking of marriage as a partnership is a destructive myth, foundational mindsets for thriving relationships, and practical steps for marital growth based on Jewish wisdom, psychology, and their extensive teaching experience. With insights from both Jewish and Christian traditions, the conversation delves into the core dynamics that sustain lifelong love, emphasizing the power of giving, personal responsibility, and growth over time.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Why “Not a Partnership”?

• Foundational Myth-Busting:
  Many people approach marriage with a “50/50 partnership” mindset, expecting equality and keeping score. The guests challenge this notion.

  “You gotta look at marriage as though you’re responsible for your whole marriage. And she’s got to look at marriage as though she’s responsible for it. You both gotta take responsibility as much as you can to build the other… That math is going to ruin your marriage if you’re always looking at, ‘What are you doing for me?’” — Todd Jacobs [09:26]

• Origin of the Book Title:
  Inspired by talking to a former student experiencing marital resentment, Todd reframed marriage not as a partnership, but as a relationship where both strive to give 100%.

  “If you approach it like that business guy who's always looking at the other side saying 'you're not carrying your end of the bargain,' then you're doomed.” — Todd Jacobs [11:11]

2. The Jewish Concept: Ezer Kinegdo (“A Helper Against”)

• Tension as Growth:
  The Hebrew phrase for spouse in Genesis—“ezer kinegdo”—means “a helper against him,” implying both support and challenge in marriage.

  “By coming together, we can create something much bigger than ourselves… In that process, we have to grind against each other to some extent, smooth out those rough edges, and we can create a whole out of the two of us, which is a function of that tension.” — Todd Jacobs [14:09]

• Conflict as Opportunity:
  Embracing differences and working through them fosters deeper intimacy and growth, not enmity.

  “The conflict of being different actually creates something when we hang in there with that conflict…” — Jon Anderson [15:41]

3. The Power of Giving: The Core Principle of Marital Growth

• Four Pillars of Giving:
  Dr. Lynn details four ways couples can build their marriage, shifting focus from what they “get” to what they “give”:

  1. Keeping the marriage fresh and intentional (avoid “getting old fast”).
  2. Expressing gratitude as a deliberate and regular action, especially at home.
  3. Demonstrating respect as a primary mode of giving.
  4. Taking responsibility for personal growth, especially addressing one's own core issues (e.g., anger), rather than trying to fix one’s spouse.

  “The only ingredient needed for a marriage to grow and change and develop is the idea of giving.” — Dr. Peter Lynn [24:29]

  “One of the greatest ways I can gift her is by me taking responsibility for that anger issue… It’s more of an indirect form of giving, but it impacts the marriage in a very powerful way.” — Dr. Peter Lynn [27:41]

• Upward Spiral Effect:
  A spouse’s commitment to personal growth often inspires their partner to do the same, leading to mutual improvement.

  “Now you have this beautiful upward spiral of two people working on their own issues for the sake of the marriage that can lead to a tremendous amount of growth.” — Dr. Peter Lynn [33:11]

4. The True Meaning of Love: Scriptural & Linguistic Insights

• Hebrew Roots:
  The Hebrew word for love, “ahava,” stems etymologically from the root meaning “to give,” and numerically corresponds to “one”—implying unity through giving.

  “The word itself [ahava] is based on giving... If you love someone and you give to them, you become one with them.” — Todd Jacobs [34:24, 35:00]

• Giving Precedes Love:
  In relationships, deep love is a function of giving, not receiving. Shown by parental love, which is strongest where giving is greatest.

  “Where we give, that’s where we love… When I invest myself in you, I love you.” — Todd Jacobs [37:01]

• Christian Parallels:
  Jon draws parallels to the New Testament’s “agape” love, also focused on action rather than feeling [33:52].

5. The Illusion of Effortless, “Right Person” Marriage

• Romance is a Starting Gift, Not the Goal:
  Early infatuation is freely given to give us a vision of what’s possible, but sustaining it requires hard, intentional work.

  “Marriage has a phase called romance… No work involved… It's all magical… Then real marriage begins that next day when the curtain comes back up... That first phase was given for free to give you a taste of what you can have. Now you got to build it.” — Todd Jacobs [42:17]

• Reject the Myth of “Effortless Marriage”
  Expecting marriage to “just happen” if you find the right person undermines commitment.

  “Great marriages are built. They don’t just happen... when you start feeling that, that’s a choice a person makes.” — Dr. Peter Lynn [39:49]

6. Building the Right Foundation

• Why Another Marriage Book?
  Not a Partnership serves as a prerequisite, providing both the definition of marriage and the “instruction manual”—the why and the how.

  “If you have a clear understanding and you know the directions of how it works. Now I can begin to use all these other books as helpful tools to get there.” — Dr. Peter Lynn [49:06]

  “If I don’t set my GPS for a destination that I’m trying to get to… it’s really hard to get there.” — Todd Jacobs [50:52]

• Universal Application:
  Their approach isn’t just religious—anyone seeking intimacy, security, and lasting love can apply these principles.

  “You don’t have to be religious. You could be from any religion. You can have no religion... if what you want is intimacy, security, and a way to sustain a relationship… this was kind of a tool that everybody could use.” — Todd Jacobs [52:15]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Danger of Score-Keeping:

  “If you’re always shooting for 50%, you’re probably hardly ever hitting 50%...on your best days, about 70% or 60%, and that’s a failing grade.” — Jon Anderson [08:30]

• The Beauty of Differences:

  “The most beautiful relationships are often when they complement each other by their differences and can create a totality which is much bigger than either of them can do by themselves.” — Todd Jacobs [16:08]

• On Giving and Happiness:

  “By the process of love is truly becoming one with the other person. So if I put those two ideas together: through giving to the other person, I can become one with the other person; by taking from the other person, that is not the pathway to love.” — Todd Jacobs [36:05]

• On Misunderstanding the “Right Person”:

  “Thinking that if you just marry the right person, you’re going to have a great marriage is like thinking if you just have the right child, it’ll raise itself.” — Jon Anderson [40:41]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Intro and Guest Introductions: [00:37-08:10]
• Why “Not a Partnership”? / Book Origins: [08:25-12:05]
• Ezer Kinegdo – The Helper Against Paradigm: [12:09-16:08]
• Jewish-Christian Scriptural Conversation: [17:00-24:15]
• The Four Pillars of Giving: [24:16-28:31]
• Focusing on Personal Growth: [29:58-33:19]
• Hebrew & Christian Language of Love: [34:15-37:01]
• The Effort of Building Lasting Love: [38:47-40:41]
• Foundations Before “How-To” Books: [48:52-52:15]
• Concluding Thoughts, Resources & How to Connect: [53:49-54:20]

Additional Resources

• Book: Not a Partnership — Available on Amazon
• Website: Notapartnership.com
• Facebook Group: Linked via website

Tone & Style

The tone is warm, conversational, and rich with both practical wisdom and spiritual/philosophical insights. Both guests share with humility, humor, and a deep respect for different traditions, making the content accessible to listeners of all backgrounds.

By integrating ancient wisdom with modern psychology, Anderson, Jacobs, and Lynn provide listeners not just with relationship “tools,” but with a transformative lens through which to view the entire marital journey. The consistent message: thriving marriages are built not on transactional reciprocity, but on personal growth, intentional giving, and the embracing of difference—a message as challenging as it is inspiring.