Podcast Summary:

Podcast: Rena Malik, MD Podcast
Episode: The Myth of “Sex Should Be Natural” — Why Good Sex Actually Takes Work
Featuring: Dr. Charmaine Borg
Date: December 17, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode explores the widely held belief that "sex should be natural," debunking it with scientific and clinical insights from Dr. Charmaine Borg, a clinical psychologist and sex researcher. The conversation delves into topics like navigating sexual aversion or disgust, the importance of communication, and why building a satisfying sex life requires intentional effort. The episode also highlights innovative research on sexual arousal, disgust, and protective technologies.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Addressing Sexual Disgust in Intimacy

• Exposure vs. Forcing Discomfort ([01:01]–[05:08])
  • Dr. Malik and Dr. Borg discuss what to do when a partner finds a body part, odor, or sexual fluid unappealing.
  • Dr. Borg advocates prolonged but safe exposure and building positive associations, with a strong emphasis on not forcing oneself through significant discomfort:
    • Quote ([04:00]): “It does not sit right with me to encourage someone to sit through something or to stay with something that makes them very uncomfortable during sex... I would more focus on things outside of the box rather than focusing on that specific odor.” – Dr. Charmaine Borg
  • Practical strategies:
    • Redirect attention to pleasurable aspects.
    • Use sensory cues like candles or lotions to mask the offending odor.
    • For fluids, gradual exposure outside the bedroom to desensitize.
    • For body parts, encourage safe, open communication and gradual acclimatization, possibly using a mirror for self-exploration (e.g., for women uncomfortable with their vulvas).

The Risks of Associating Sex with Discomfort

• Emotional Impact of Forcing Exposure ([02:56]–[05:08])
  • Malik raises the concern that forcing exposure might link sex with negative feelings.
  • Borg emphasizes that no one should ever feel compelled to engage in sexual activity or contact that feels aversive.
  • Focus should instead be on maximizing arousal and minimizing the negative stimulus rather than “pushing through” discomfort.

The Role of Communication

• Discussing Sexual Issues with a Partner ([07:04]–[11:36])
  • Dr. Borg recommends creating a judgment-free, safe environment for honest discussions about sexual aversions or discomfort.
  • She acknowledges the fear of hurting a partner’s feelings and the cultural reluctance (especially in the U.S.) to discuss sexual issues.
  • Quote ([09:42]): “My suggestion would be: try to highlight the positives of the relationship, that you are discussing this problem because you want better sex… out of love, out of affection, and because you find this person appealing.” – Dr. Charmaine Borg
  • Both agree that investing in sexual communication is essential, as good sex “requires practice and work and dedication” (Malik, [11:36]).

Debunking the Myth: “Sex Should Be Natural”

• Effort Is Essential to Good Sex ([09:42]–[11:36])
  • The myth that “sex should just happen” is especially damaging when facing sexual problems.
  • Borg explains that good sex takes intentionality, communication, and practice. Anxiety about making things “mechanical” can stop people from improving their sex lives.
  • Quote ([09:42]): “There is this myth that keeps on being said and reinforced—I believe that sex should be natural. If the relationship is great, sex should be following and sex should be automatically great. … You don’t work on sex. … But [really] you need to give space to sex.” – Dr. Charmaine Borg

Groundbreaking Research: Disgust and Sexual Arousal

• Using Disgust to Protect, Understanding Arousal ([11:36]–[16:18])

  • Dr. Borg details research showing that sexual arousal lowers disgust, making people more willing to engage with stimuli that might otherwise repulse them.
  • Her study involved women watching erotic material, after which they were less disgusted and more willing to perform challenging tasks (e.g., eating a cookie with a worm, drinking from a cup with a cockroach).
    • Quote ([13:36]): “Sexual arousal reduced disgust. … The tasks were extremely disgusting … but sexual arousal drove these women to conduct a higher percentage of tasks compared to the woman in the general arousal or in the neutral group.” – Dr. Charmaine Borg

• Development of the INV Bracelet ([11:36]–[22:48])

  • Inspired by her findings, Dr. Borg helped develop the INV bracelet, a safety device that emits a foul odor to suppress attackers’ sexual arousal and allow the wearer to escape.
  • Research confirmed that aversive odor can rapidly diminish male sexual arousal in controlled settings.
    • Quote ([16:20]): “With the very first puffs, the group in the experimental condition, the erection was gone.” – Dr. Charmaine Borg
  • She notes important limitations: in real-world attacks, many victims freeze and are unable to activate such devices, prompting ongoing research into automated systems.

Innovation in Personal Safety and Ongoing Research

• Beyond the Bracelet: Automation and VR Testing ([16:20]–[22:48])
  • Dr. Borg describes ongoing research using virtual reality labs to assess whether safety devices genuinely help women feel safer and more confident.
  • Next steps include developing AI-powered automatic activation for such tools, addressing the common issue of physical “freezing” during threats.

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• [04:00] Dr. Borg: “It does not sit right with me to encourage someone to sit through something or to stay with something that makes them very uncomfortable during sex... I would more focus on things outside of the box rather than focusing on that specific odor.”
• [09:42] Dr. Borg: “My suggestion would be: try to highlight the positives of the relationship, that you are discussing this problem because you want better sex… out of love, out of affection, and because you find this person appealing.”
• [09:42] Dr. Borg: “There is this myth that keeps on being said and reinforced—I believe that sex should be natural. If the relationship is great, sex should be following and sex should be automatically great. … But [really] you need to give space to sex.”
• [13:36] Dr. Borg: “Sexual arousal reduced disgust. … The tasks were extremely disgusting … but sexual arousal drove these women to conduct a higher percentage of tasks compared to the woman in the general arousal or in the neutral group.”
• [16:20] Dr. Borg: “With the very first puffs, the group in the experimental condition, the erection was gone.”

Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |------------|--------------------------------------------------------| | 01:01 | How to address sexual aversion/disgust in intimacy | | 04:00 | Why forcing through discomfort is counterproductive | | 07:04 | Communicating sensitivities or aversion with a partner | | 09:42 | The myth of "sex should be natural" and communication | | 11:36 | Dr. Borg's research on disgust and arousal | | 16:20 | The science and limitations of the INV bracelet | | 20:00+ | Ongoing research: VR, AI, and automation for safety |

Memorable Moments

• The striking results of Dr. Borg’s experiment on sexual arousal lowering disgust—even overcoming extreme aversion tasks.
• The honest conversation about the difficulty of talking to a partner about sexual discomfort, and how to frame such discussions lovingly.
• The practical and empathetic debunking of the myth that good sex doesn’t require “work.”
• The innovative leap from academic research to real-world technology protecting women from sexual assault.

Episode Tone & Takeaways

The episode is candid, compassionate, and science-driven. It emphasizes empathy, clear communication, and the necessity of active effort in building sexual well-being. Both Dr. Malik and Dr. Borg speak honestly about difficult topics, blending clinical realism with optimism for solutions—whether in the bedroom or in personal safety innovation.

Bottom line:
Good sex rarely happens by accident—addressing discomfort, discussing tough topics, and practicing connection are necessary. And groundbreaking science is shaping both our understanding of intimacy and the tools to protect it.