ReThinking Podcast: "Overcoming Status Anxiety"

Host: Adam Grant (A)
Guests: Alain de Botton (B), RaQuel Hopkins (C)
Date: December 30, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Adam Grant brings together philosopher and writer Alain de Botton and therapist/social media phenomenon RaQuel Hopkins to explore the complex issue of status anxiety—the persistent concern over how we are seen and valued by others in modern society. The trio examine why status matters so deeply to us (often more than we’d like to admit), how snobbery and status-seeking shape our behaviors, and what practical wisdom can help us cope. Together, they interrogate the links between happiness, virtue, and identity while wrestling with the dilemmas and paradoxes of (post)modern life.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Purpose and Challenge of The School of Life and Wisdom

• Alain describes founding the School of Life to restore "wisdom"—especially emotional wisdom—to society ([04:55]).
  • “Could we try and capture some of the wisdom that’s out there and diffuse it effectively?” — Alain ([04:59])
• RaQuel appreciates his practical approach: applying knowledge to everyday life, especially for mental health ([04:13]).

2. The Value of Pessimism & The “Suffering Twice” Problem

• Alain argues for the value of pessimism: accepting that life, relationships, and happiness are inherently imperfect ([05:30]).
  • “We suffer because things don’t go our way, and then we suffer a second time because we think they should have done.” — Alain ([05:30])
• Adam reframes this as self-inflicted wounds—feeling bad about feeling bad, compounding the original pain ([08:02]).

3. Rage, Melancholy, and the Gap Between Ideals and Reality

• Rage and disappointment often result not simply from hardship, but from the gap between high ideals and reality ([09:26]).
  • “Rage is often the result of high ideals.” — Alain ([08:30])
• Alain champions melancholy as an honest, adaptive emotion situated between happiness and tragedy ([09:41]).
• The trio reflect on Abraham Lincoln’s melancholy as a historically productive state—not always pathological ([11:11]).

4. The Pursuit (vs. Attainment) of Happiness

• Adam distinguishes America’s "pursuit of happiness" (Declaration of Independence) from a guaranteed right to happiness ([11:12]).
• Alain underscores how linking happiness too closely to status intensifies anxiety and disappointment ([11:34]).

5. Status: Our Deep Evolutionary Barometer

• Adam summarizes sociometer theory ([11:49]–[13:00]):
  • Our status-monitoring evolved for survival (avoiding social exclusion), now “hijacked” by social media and constant comparison.
• Discussion: What if society promised only “the opportunity to muddle through” or the “opportunity to fail and to succeed,” not universal happiness? ([13:00])

6. Flourishing: Psychological, Not Just Material

• Alain advocates for a broader notion of utility: not just money, but psychological flourishing—where art, philosophy, and literature serve practical ends ([13:47]).

7. Snobbery and Its Surprising Roots

• Alain defines snobbery as rigidly judging a person based on trivial externalities (dress, credentials, income) ([16:35]).
  • Nietzsche’s "aristocracy of the soul": valuing people who love, are courageous, and generous—“nothing to do with the standard European notion of an aristocracy” ([16:35]).
• RaQuel reflects on the reductiveness of labels and snap judgments ([18:11]).

8. Breaking Down Status Games

• Citing Will Storr’s work, Adam describes three status games: dominance, virtue, and success ([18:34]).
  • Modern society over-emphasizes measurable achievement and wealth because those are easy to see; virtue is harder to measure.
  • “The things that count most are the hardest to count.” — Adam ([18:34])
• Alain notes that work has become “the conduit to your psychological assessment in your entire society,” leading to intense mental health struggles ([21:34]).
  • Durkheim: Economic hardship in capitalist societies damages identity far more than in pre-modern (or religious) ones ([21:34]).

9. Managing Status Anxiety: Acceptance & Interconnection

• Adam’s students often try to “solve” status anxiety by gaining as many objective status symbols as possible, which only leads to new reference groups and renewed anxiety ([23:37]).
• RaQuel suggests acceptance and existential questioning: realizing everyone is as “complicated and imperfect” as we are, and finding meaning in interconnection, not competition ([24:42]).
• Alain: Key life events—serious illness, parenthood, caring for animals/nature—often loosen the grip of status obsessions by highlighting what truly matters ([25:42]).

10. Reconciling Virtue and Success

• Adam and RaQuel challenge the myth that one must choose between virtue and achievement; both are important ([27:48]).
  • “Who do you want to become? What do you want to consistently produce?” — RaQuel ([28:24])
• Alain draws on Jane Austen’s "common sense" wisdom: it’s good (and necessary) to have some money, but loving it too much is dangerous ([29:33]).

11. Snobbery in Our Own Lives

• Alain confesses to being a snob about people who are dismissive of therapy ([33:17]).
  • “If I’m in a conversation… and someone goes, ‘therapy’s hopeless. I hate the whole thing,’ I have a snobbish reaction.” — Alain ([33:17])
• RaQuel senses snobbery not just about therapy, but also in questioning established traditions (“why do we do it this way?”), and sees the risk of making therapy itself a status symbol ([34:10]).
• Adam notes the trend of people using therapy attendance as a status symbol ([34:10]).

12. The Problem and Promise of Judgment

• We all make quick judgments (“snobbery is an instant, blanket, rather rigid judgment”), but real tolerance begins with knowing we don’t—and can’t—fully know another human’s depth ([35:27]).

13. The Lost Art of Tragedy, Gallows Humor, and Tenderness

• Alain recalls the ancient Greeks' embrace of tragedy as a route to empathy and kindness: watching others’ suffering reminds us of our shared fate ([36:55]).
• Humor, even (or especially) dark humor, is celebrated as a vital adaptive mechanism ([38:49]):
  • “Let’s hear it for gallows humor… it’s so human and humane… laughs… is tender at the absurdity of it all and invites communal gathering around the mess.” — Alain ([37:38])
• The more grief and hardship we experience, the more we appreciate small beauties (like flowers), suggesting a way forward is to foster gratitude for life's tender moments ([40:53]).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "We suffer because things don't go our way, and then we suffer a second time because we think they should have done." — Alain de Botton ([05:30])
• "Rage is often the result of high ideals." — Alain de Botton ([08:30])
• "The things that count most are the hardest to count." — Adam Grant ([18:34])
• "To know that you don't know about a human being is, I think, the gateway to real tolerance." — Alain de Botton ([35:27])
• "Let’s hear it for gallows humor… laughs… is tender at the absurdity of it all and invites communal gathering around the mess." — Alain de Botton ([37:38])
• "Happiness gains its intensity from an acquaintance with grief." — Alain de Botton ([39:11])

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [04:13] – RaQuel explains why Alain’s brand of philosophical wisdom matters for mental health
• [05:30] – Alain introduces pessimism as helpful; the "suffering twice" problem
• [08:30] – Alain on rage, ideals, and the importance of melancholy
• [11:12] – Adam contrasts the "pursuit" vs. attainment of happiness
• [13:00] – The evolutionary roots of status monitoring (sociometer theory)
• [16:35] – Alain defines snobbery; discusses Nietzsche’s alternative vision for status
• [18:34] – Adam on three types of status games: dominance, success, virtue
• [21:34] – Alain and Durkheim on work, identity, and suicide in modern society
• [24:42] – RaQuel endorses radical acceptance and the interconnectedness of human imperfection
• [25:42] – Alain: illness and nature as antidotes to status obsession
• [28:24] – RaQuel’s practical questions: “Who do you want to become? What do you want to consistently produce?”
• [29:33] – Alain on Jane Austen and the balance between money and virtue
• [33:17] – Alain’s confession: personal snobbery about rejecting therapy
• [34:10] – The risk of therapy as a status symbol; RaQuel expands the debate
• [36:55] – Alain on tragedy, gallows humor, and the ancient Greeks' lessons for empathy
• [38:49] – Mel Brooks on comedy and tragedy
• [39:11] – The deepening of happiness by grief; adult tenderness for life’s small joys

Conclusion

This episode interrogates the engine of status anxiety in our everyday lives, revealing how deeply it is intertwined with our sense of happiness, self-worth, and belonging. By shining a light on the evolutionary, philosophical, and therapeutic underpinnings of status and snobbery, Alain de Botton and RaQuel Hopkins—guided by Adam Grant—offer listeners hope: that acceptance of life’s complexity, a commitment to character, and learning from both ancient tragedy and modern messiness may be our best bet for flourishing.