CLASSIC: Benjamin Franklin's Advice On "Finding A Mistress"

Summary

Ridiculous History (iHeartPodcasts)

Episode: CLASSIC: Benjamin Franklin's Advice On "Finding A Mistress"
Air date: November 22, 2025
Hosts: Ben Bowlin (A), Noel Brown (B)

Episode Overview

This episode dives into the bizarre, scandalous, and surprisingly well-documented sex life of Benjamin Franklin, focusing especially on his infamous 1745 letter, "Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress." The hosts explore Franklin’s reputation as a womanizer, the content and tone of his advice, and the blurred lines between genuine counsel and sly satire. The episode also discusses Franklin’s broader persona—his myth, achievements, human flaws—and the tension between his public ideals and private conduct.

---

Key Themes and Discussion Points

Franklin: Renaissance Man or Libertine? (00:00–04:36)

• Hosts set the stage: Franklin is introduced as an eccentric founding father, scientist, publisher, diplomat—and notorious womanizer.
• Franklin’s physical appearance and charisma are discussed; despite not being conventionally attractive, his wit and influence made him popular with women.
• "He was lionized for this because people said, you know, old Ben is a real pickup artist for his day." —Ben (00:49)
• The show acknowledges Franklin’s flair for the pleasures of the flesh, joking about whether “he would’ve been in the Epstein files.”
• Brief mention of Franklin’s daily routine, "air baths," and legendary “paunch.” (07:25)

Unpacking the 1745 Letter: Satire or Sincerity? (04:36–23:16)

• Franklin’s actual words are read:
  "Marriage is the proper remedy. It is the most natural state of man and therefore the state in which you are most likely to find solid happiness." —Franklin, quoted by Ben (04:36)
• The hosts discuss whether the letter, which gives advice on how to select a mistress, was sincere or satirical.
• Definition of “mistress” at the time clarified: a sexual partner outside of marriage, by today’s understanding. (02:09)
• Franklin’s own admissions about his affairs from his autobiography are recounted, including this censored quote:
  “The hard to be governed passion of my youth had hurried me frequently into intrigues with low women...which were attended with some expense and great inconvenience, besides a continual risk to my health by distemper.” —Franklin, paraphrased by Noel (10:23)
• Franklin allegedly fathered up to 15 illegitimate children. Hosts point out his conduct would be "a Me Too nightmare" today. (11:34)
• Discussion of Franklin’s dubious relationships, possibly spanning mother and daughter simultaneously.
• Paradoxical: While known for dalliances with young women, Franklin in this letter extols the virtues of older lovers for practical and, he claims, ethical reasons.

Franklin’s 7 Reasons for Preferring Older Mistresses (13:36–21:12)

The hosts summarize Franklin’s arguments:

1. Conversation is better: Older women are more interesting and experienced.
2. Gratitude and devotion: He claims they will be more appreciative.
3. Discretion: Less likely to cause social scandals.
4. No risk of children: Less chance of unwanted pregnancies.
5. Preservation of allure: “In the dark, all cats are gray.” Physical differences are less noticeable.
6. Less sin: Claimed as less immoral than seducing virgins.
7. Diminished regret: Fewer moral repercussions; allegedly makes older women happy.

Memorable (cringeworthy) quote:
“The face first grows lank and wrinkled, then the neck, then the breast and arms, then the lower parts continuing to the last, as plump as ever. So that covering all above with a basket, and regarding only what is below the girdle, it is impossible of two women to know an old one from a young one. And as in the dark all cats are grey…” —Franklin, quoted by Ben (20:13)

The hosts dissect the misogyny and self-serving logic in Franklin’s writing, noting the letter was never actually sent and is widely believed to be sincere despite its outrageousness.

Was Franklin Joking?

• “This doesn't seem funny enough to be satire.” —Producer Casey Pegram (29:03)
• Consensus: despite Franklin’s reputation as a satirist (e.g., writing Fart Proudly), this letter seems largely earnest.

The Myth and Reality of Franklin (23:16–27:33)

• The hosts reflect on the way Franklin's mythic status has whitewashed his less savory behaviors.
• "It is crucially, crucially important for us to acknowledge that this person was a human being and not just some airbrushed ideal of early America." —Ben (24:25)
• Biographers (e.g., Albert Henry Smith) have described Franklin’s sexual behavior as “deplorable errata” and marked by “irredeemable vulgarity.”
• Franklin’s hypocrisy, particularly writing about virtue while practicing otherwise, is highlighted.

Other Odd Franklin Pursuits (27:06–28:50)

• Brief tour of Franklin's other eccentricities:
  • Fart Proudly (a satirical essay)
  • Rumored membership in the hedonistic Hellfire Club
  • Glass harmonica invention—hosts play and describe its spooky sound (28:08)
  • Prior episode on Franklin’s attempt to make a new alphabet

The 200+ Drunkenness Euphemisms (33:05–37:25)

• The hosts return to a fan-favorite Franklin creation: his comically extensive list of synonyms for being drunk.
• Perform a reading, relishing the absurd variety (“thump over the head with Samson's jawbone,” “cat chagrined,” “non compost,” “nymphtopsical”).
• "I feel like most of these work really well if you say them in a cockney accent." —Noel (33:29)
• Discussion about whether Franklin collected these sayings from pubs or invented them himself.

Listener Mail (37:25–40:19)

• Entertaining letters from parents about innovative tooth fairy traditions, including notes from “fairies in drug rehab” and “the Lost Teeth Chronicles.”

---

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• On Franklin’s reputation:
  "He was also a real lothario, a crazed womanizer, a sex fiend." —Ben (08:31)
• On Franklin’s advice to his friend:
  “In all your amours, you should prefer old women to young ones. You call this a paradox and demand my reasons…” —Franklin, read by Ben (13:36)
• On the darker side:
  "If he was around today, this guy would be a Me Too nightmare." —Noel (11:34)
• On morality:
  “It's less sinful to sleep with an old woman than the act of, quote, debauching of a vir.” —Noel (22:34)
• Reflecting on Franklin’s complexity:
  "...not just some airbrushed ideal of early America. Which, not to say that he didn't do some amazing things, it's just that he did a lot of horrible things." —Ben (24:25)

---

Segment Timestamps

• 00:00 — Introducing Franklin, the lecherous founding father
• 04:36 — Reading and unpacking Franklin's letter on choosing a mistress
• 10:23 — Franklin’s autobiography confessions and his legendary libido
• 13:36 — The seven "reasons" for preferring older mistresses
• 20:13 — "In the dark, all cats are grey" and Franklinian misogyny
• 23:16 — Sincerity vs. satire; reflections on Franklin’s morality
• 27:06 — Franklin’s quirky inventions, including the glass harmonica
• 33:05 — Readings from Franklin’s 200+ synonyms for being drunk
• 37:25 — Listener mail: Tooth fairy creativity
• 40:53 — Closing banter, invites for listener submissions

---

Takeaways

• Benjamin Franklin was not just a statesman and inventor, but also a deeply flawed and at times unsavory individual, especially in terms of his private life.
• The 1745 letter is a window into Enlightenment-era sexual ethics—by no means modern or progressive, and certainly rife with misogyny.
• While Franklin remains an American icon, the hosts argue for grappling honestly with the darker facts about his character.
• The episode’s tone is irreverent but thoughtful, balancing humor about Franklin’s excesses with serious reminders that history’s heroes were (and are) human.

---

For Further Reading / Listening

• Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress (full text available online)
• Franklin’s list: “The Drinker’s Dictionary”
• Earlier Ridiculous History episodes on Franklin’s inventions and pranks

---

Summary prepared for listeners seeking a lively, unvarnished look at the private vices, public mythmaking, and genuine eccentricity of one of America’s strangest founders.

Transcript

[A]

Fellow ridiculous historians, we are returning to you with a tale of one of our absolute favorite eccentric founding fathers.

[B]

I was going to say leches.

[A]

Oh, very much a lech and a libertine. Yeah. Who are we talking about?

[B]

Oh, we're talking about old founding father Benny Franks. Benjamin Franklin to his friends. Wait, no. Benny Franks to his friends. Benjamin Franklin to, you know, the public or.

[A]

Or Daddy Benji to his many paramours.

[B]

The Benjamins, as it turns out. Right.

[A]

Well, as we. 2019, Benjamin Franklin, very much a renaissance man, had a lot of. A lot of scientific breakthroughs, a lot of areas of philosophical interest, but he was definitely a man given to the pleasures of the flesh.

[B]

Do you think he would have been in the Epstein files?

[A]

I think he absolutely would. It's entirely possible in something like that. He was known, as you said, as a lech. And he was lionized for this because people said, you know, old Ben is a real pickup artist for his day.

[B]

Which is interesting, I guess. I wonder if he leaned into it, which he did, because he's not exactly what you might consider like a classically good looking man. It would just seem that he had the charm and had achieved the levels of power and upward mobility in society to kind of be a bit of a ladies man, despite his receding hairline and slightly Muppet like features.

[A]

And his. Yeah, his paunch is eccentric.

[B]

His punch is legendary.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, with his stockings, too. The guy gams for days. In our. In our previous exploration. No, we asked whether his. He was also a prolific writer. Right. So we asked whether his 1745 letter advice to a young man on the choice of a mistress was meant sincerely or whether it was satirical.

[B]

Well, and also the use of the term mistress here. Is this in the way we think of it today, as in like an extra marital dalliance.

[A]

100% okay.

[B]

Thought so.

[A]

Or sexual relationships without the complications of matrimony.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

At the very least.

[B]

Well, he had a lot to say about a lot of things. And in this famous and or infamous 1745 letter, he gave advice to a young man on the choice of a mistress. As you said, let's just roll it.

[C]

This is an iHeart podcast. Hear that? That's what it sounds like when you plant more trees than you harvest. Work done by thousands of working forest professionals like Adam, a district forest manager who works to protect our forests from fires.

[A]

Keeping the forest fire resistant, synonymous with keeping a forest healthy. And we do that through planting more than we harvest and mitigate those risks through active management. It's a long term commitment.

[C]

Visit workingforestsinitiative.com to learn more.

[A]

Hey audiobook lovers, I'm Cal Penn.

[B]

I'm Ed Helms.

[A]

Ed and I are inviting you to join the best sounding book club you've ever heard with our new podcast, Irsay The Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club.

[B]

Each week we sit down with your favorite iHeart podcast hosts and some very special guests to discuss the latest and.

[A]

Greatest audiobooks from audible, listen to Earsay on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Follow Earsay and start listening on the free iHeartradio app.

[C]

Today the holidays are back at Starbucks. So share the season with a peppermint mocha, Starbucks signature Espresso, Velvety mocha and cool peppermint notes topped with whipped cream and dark chocolate curls together is the best place to be at Starbucks. Want Black Friday prices without the crowds? Lowe's gets it. Shop their early Black Friday deals and beat the rush. $99 is all you need to grab a select 7 foot pre lit artificial Christmas tree for the holidays. And don't sweat what gives to get dad. They have up to 40% off select tools and accessories going on now. That's how Lowes celebrates Black Friday. Early selection varies by location while supplies last.

[A]

250 years ago, a promise was made to connect families and friends near and far.

[B]

And during the holidays that promise is more important than ever.

[A]

That's why USPS is building a better network to meet your needs with timely deliveries, easy and affordable ways to ship, and everything you need to make your season full of holiday cheer.

[B]

Their purpose is delivering your peace of.

[A]

Mind, knowing your love will arrive, bringing joy to all the United States Postal Service. Learn [e-mail] Holidays ridiculous history is a production of iHeartRadio. My dear friend, I know of no medicine fit to diminish the violent natural inclinations you mention. And if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper remedy. It is the most natural state of man and therefore the state in which you are most likely to find solid happiness. Those are the words of Benjamin Franklin. Welcome to the show. My name is Ben.

[B]

Oh, Benny. Frank.

[A]

No relation?

[B]

No, none. Well, you know, you're sort of spiritual successors.

[A]

That's very weird. I at least have better hair, if not a better position in American politics.

[B]

That's true. But you're also like Ben Franklin, a bit of a forward thinking innovator.

[A]

Ben oh, thank you so much Noel. I sincerely appreciate that they do in some places call me the the less Cool. Super producer Casey Pegram, which I take as, you know, I treat it as the significant compliment that it is.

[B]

Well, it's cause Casey Pegram is the bar.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And it's a very high one.

[A]

And very few people ever meet that bar.

[B]

Yeah, but you're like one click below the bar.

[A]

Oh, no, too kind.

[B]

Just one click.

[A]

Man's reach must exceed his grasp, else what's a heaven for.

[B]

Did Ben Franklin say that?

[A]

No, that was Robert Browning, the poet Robert Browning.

[B]

Ah, yes, yes, Robert Browning. Well, here's the thing about Ben Franklin. We know him as one of the founding fathers of these fine United States. He was a part of the second Continental Congress and was sort of like this. He was a really good diplomat in that he kind of smoothed over some of the tensions between the other founding fathers. He kind of acted as like a little bit of a lubricant, if you will. A human lubricant. He was also an inventor and he published a Poor Richard's Almanac where he espoused the virtues of man and all of these little quirky sayings. Early to bed, early to rise and all that. And he apparently did get up pretty early every morning. In his autobiography, you can read his daily routine that started with rising at 4am daily. You always talk about his air baths, Ben.

[A]

Yes, yes. He's a big believer in air baths. You read my mind, Noel. An air bath is what it sounds like. He sat around naked for his. For his personal constitution. Additionally, he was a freemason, a polymath, and many other things. He was a man of many interests. And throughout his life, from January 17, 1706 to his death on April 17, 1790, he changed the world. And a lot of his enterprises were things that would surprise the average, you know, the. The average high school student. You don't hear about a ton of the stuff he's done. You hear about some of his experiments into the nature of electricity and lightning.

[B]

Yeah. And apparently the whole deal with the key tied to the kite is probably a myth entirely.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But he was credited as inventing the lightning rod. But today we're talking a little bit more about his little lightning rod.

[A]

There we go. And the lightning rods of his friends.

[B]

See, that's right.

[A]

One of the things. One of the. That you may not learn in a middle school or high school history class about Benjamin Franklin is that he was also a real lothario, a crazed womanizer, a sex fiend.

[B]

You could even refer to him as.

[A]

A bit of a rake. Yes, yes. An uber rake. Because he had. There's so many different directions we can go with this, but we know that the Founding Fathers at this point in time, have moved into the realm of myth in many ways. Noel, I love that you point out at the beginning of the show that the key story is, you know, is probably a myth.

[B]

It's sort of like boy George Washington, you know, not telling a lie and chopping down the cherry tree and all that.

[A]

Or wooden teeth. They were actually ivory bone.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

But in the case of Benjamin Franklin's sex life, we have dark documentation that proves not only is there some sand to the scandalous stories about this man, but he also advised people on their own sex lives. You see, that excerpt that we began the show with is from a real life letter that Franklin wrote in 1745. The name of the letter is advice to a friend on choosing a mistress. And this is, again, a real letter. It's strange because we also found that 40 years before the Revolution even got underway in 1729, Benjamin Franklin was also a publisher, was reputedly publishing a tabloid newspaper that had an advice column about things that would be considered unmentionable in a lot of higher realms of society.

[B]

Yeah, that's right. And by the time his autobiography came out, it was pretty heavily censored because late in life, he was absolutely honest about some of this stuff. But because of that already approaching mythical idea of the Founding fathers, they wanted to protect that legacy and make sure that you only remembered Ben Franklin's for poor Richard's Almanac and for early to bed, early to rise, and for being this model of virtue, studiousness and steadfast goodness. But Franklin himself acknowledged that he was, in fact, a bit of a lech. He actually said this of himself in an often censored passage from that autobiography. He said, quote, the hard to be governed passion of my youth had hurried me frequently into intrigues with low women. Here's a kicker that fell in my way. Yikes.

[A]

And then he also added, which were attended with some expense and great inconvenience, besides a continual risk to my health by distemper. As far as we know, and we may not know all of it, this guy throughout his life ended up having, what, 15 illegitimate children?

[B]

That's what they say. Yeah. And if he was around today, this guy would be a me too. Nightmare.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I mean, big time. He was well known not just for being a lech, but for being a lech for underage, potentially women. He even. There's a rumor that he carried on a relationship with a Daughter and her mother, Margaret Stevenson and her 18 year old daughter Polly. That was a little bit probably on the older side of some of his dalliances with young women.

[A]

And there's a little bit of a paradox here. Well, let's back up and say you're right. In his final years, as he was aging and after Paulie's husband had passed away, he moved her to Philadelphia to live by his side until he passed away in 1790. But this guy also tried to sleep with his friend's mistresses. And as we will find, despite the rumors about his interest in younger women, he went on record several times saying that he actually preferred older women in his correspondence. In this letter that he mentions, and.

[B]

We'Ll get to that, the reason is a little bit more functional, like long term. He's saying older women might be better for the long haul. But there's even a little, I guess a verse, a mini poem kind of that's thrown about the time of referring to his time in London and Paris and his reputation that he developed. And it said Franklin, though plagued with fumbling age, needs nothing to excite him but is too ready to engage when younger arms invite him.

[A]

And that came about, believe it or not, folks, when he was in his 70s.

[B]

Bonkers.

[A]

Yeah. So this was, this was sometime after he had written the. This letter. He was well known for having what people would describe as an insatiable libido or sex drive. And let's go back to this letter when he was writing to a fellow named Cadwalader Colden, which is a fantastic.

[B]

Name, incredible Mr. Cadwallader Colton.

[A]

And he recommends, for as you said, some ostensibly practical reasons that Cadwalader consider choosing a. Not a mistress, but choosing a wife who is older. He says if you will not take this counsel and persist in thinking a commerce with the sex inevitable, then I repeat my former advice that in all your amours you should prefer old women to young ones. You call this a paradox and demand my reasons. And then he outlines seven fairly articulate reasons. But they're all stuff like, I don't know, it sounds pretty brutal. Number one, we can just give the gist because these are kind of long. Number one, he says their conversation is better. They're more fun to talk to because of their life experience.

[B]

And they are more likely because here's the problem with Ben Franklin. And this comes up time and again. And you can probably already tell he's a bit misogynist and a little problematic.

[A]

You think?

[B]

Yeah, because some of these things are very condescending to women where he says once they cease to be handsome, they it's almost as though they will appreciate so much that you're giving them the time of day that they will like do anything for you.

[A]

Which sounds like a lot like Dennis Reynolds in Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

[B]

Yeah, it's pretty bad. So yeah, they'll take care of you when you're sick. They'll, you know, make you little cakes and soup. I'm editorializing here a little bit, but it sure seems like he's trying to give this guy advice of how to get like a nice like maid will also have sex with him because he also points out AIDS don't mean nothing in the dark.

[A]

Danny DeVito's character Frank Reynolds has a quote about that that we're not going to put on the air. But if you know, you know. The third thing he says is that there's no hazard of having children. And then he says they're more discreet again because of experience, so they're not going to blow up your spot if you're trying to TLC style creep the.

[C]

Holidays are back at Starbucks, so share the season with a peppermint mocha, Starbucks Signature Espresso, Velvety mocha and cool peppermint notes topped with whipped cream and dark chocolate curls together is the best place to be at Starbucks Is moderate to severe plaque psoriasis keeping you covered up and feeling less confident. Clearer skin with Bimzelix can give you a chance to say, I'm back. Bimzelix Bimakizumab bkzx is a prescription medication taken by injection used to treat moderate to severe plaque psoriasis in adults who are candidates for systemic therapy or phototherapy. Vimzelics can deliver transformative relief. Most people got 100% clear skin in combined clinical studies. Nearly 9 in 10 people saw 90% clearer skin and more than 6 in 10 saw 100% clear skin at 16 weeks. Start getting back to liking your reflection. Say so long to long sleeves. Love your skin again with Bimzelix only Bimzelics targets and blocks IL17A F to calm inflammation. Serious side effects like suicidal thoughts and behavior, infections and lowered ability to fight them. Liver problems and inflammatory bowel disease have occurred. Tell your doctor if these happen or worsen or fevers, chills, muscle aches or cough occur or you've had a vaccine or plan to before starting. Get checked for infections, tuberculosis and liver problems. Get back to clearer skin. Ask your dermatologist about Bimzelix, the first approved treatment of its kind. Learn [e-mail] or call 1-833-UCB now. 1 want Black Friday prices without the crowds. Lowe's gets it. Shop their early Black Friday deals and beat the rush. $99 is all you need to grab a select 7 foot pre lit artificial Christmas tree for the holidays. And don't sweat what gives to get dad. They have up to 40% off select tools and accessories going on now. That's how Lowes celebrates Black Friday. Early selection varies by location while supplies last.

[B]

Hey everyone, Ed Helms here and hi.

[A]

I'm Kal Penn and we're the hosts of Irsay The Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club.

[B]

This week on the podcast I am sitting down with Jenny Garth, host of the iHeart podcast. I choose me to discuss the new Audible adaptation of the timeless Jane Austen classic Pride and Prejudice. This is not a trick question. There's no wrong answer. What role would I play?

[C]

You know what? I can see you as Mr. Darcy. You got a little Colin Firth.

[B]

Okay, that's really sweet. I appreciate that. But are you sure I'm not the dad? I'm not Mr. Bennett here. Listen to Earsay the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club on the iHeartradio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

[C]

Hear that? That's what it sounds like when you plant more trees than you harvest. Work done by thousands of working forest professionals like Adam, a district forest manager who works to protect our forests from fires.

[A]

Keeping the forest fire resistant, synonymous with keeping the forest healthy. And we do that through planting more than we harvest and mitigate those risks through active management. It's a long term commitment.

[C]

Visit workingforestsinitiative.com to learn more.

[B]

One thing we haven't mentioned, another pretty gross little fact about Franklin, is that he was in fact married. He had a common law wife by the name of Deborah Reed, who, like Tony Soprano style, he just cheated on her constantly throughout the span of their 44 years of marriage. And also, as we know, he spent a lot of time abroad as a European ambassador, specifically in London and France. So 18 of those 44 years they lived apart. And apparently during one of those overseas trips she had a short stroke and Franklin didn't even come back to Philadelphia to see her. And she died alone in 1774.

[A]

Which is a shame any way you look at it. To continue these reasons of his, he mentions, I think Noel, you were alluding to number five when he said this older woman that he's describing may not be as attractive. Per Franklin, he Says the face first grows lank and wrinkled, then the neck, then the breast and arms, then the lower parts continuing to the last, as plump as ever. So that covering all above with a basket, and regarding only what is below the girdle. It is impossible of two women to know an old one from a young one. Here's the line I think you're referring to. And as in the dark all cats are gray, the pleasure of corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal and frequently superior, every neck being by practice capable of improvement. That's pretty gross. That's one of the things that leads some scholars to say this letter is satirical or comedic.

[B]

Yeah, he was a well known practical joker and satirist.

[A]

And he also. We haven't mentioned this yet. He also never sent this letter.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

He wrote it. We know he actually wrote it, but it for some reason was never sent. What are some of the other things he named?

[B]

He also, again, doubles down on that whole like you're doing her a favor kind of vibe. Says he almost like tries to characterize having an affair because again, this is talking about a mistress. He's not talking about taking a wife because he basically starts the letter off saying, you should get married. It's the better idea to get married, because that is the most natural state of man, where he can. He compares a single man to one part of a pair of scissors and a useless tool. And that in order to be truly happy and fulfilled, you have to have a wife and have that other part of the scissor. But he says, but if you're not gonna do that, here's some tips on how to get you the best possible. Harem of mistresses, presumably. Right. So again, virtuous to carry on an affair with an older lady. And he characterizes it as such. Quote, they are so grateful, while saying it's less sinful to sleep with an old woman than it is than the act of, quote, debauching of a vir, which he characterizes being ruinous to both lady and gentleman.

[A]

Yeah. And then his seventh point, the penultimate point is that the compunction or the regret or sorrow is less. Says, if you have made a young girl miserable, it may give you frequent bitter reflections. You might feel bad about it later, but in this way you will make an older woman happy, which is again, I know I used the word earlier, but it fits. It's kind of gross. Right? And he's got one more point, which I think you had mentioned earlier, which is they are so italicized Grateful, which just stinks. And then he closes the whole letter saying, that's my paradox. But still, I advise you to marry directly, being sincerely, your affectionate friend, Benjamin Franklin.

[B]

Yeah. Benny Franks.

[A]

So this advice, you know, this is something you and I have not talked about yet. When we're off air. Do you think this letter is sincere, or you think it's some draft of a comedic device?

[B]

I tend to think that it's sincere.

[A]

I do, too.

[B]

Giving what we know about him.

[A]

I hate feeling that. Yeah. Because he, as you said, his libido was such a driving force in his life that later he himself came to feel terrible about it. But he was also known for trying to feel up almost any woman he found attractive.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And he treated his wife horribly. His biographer said that he had. Or one of his biographers, a guy named Albert Henry Smith, said, it is no use blinking the fact that Franklin's animal instincts and passions were strong in rank, and that they led him to the commission of deplorable errata in his life, and that the taint of an irredeemable vulgarity is much upon this man.

[B]

Oof.

[A]

I know. And this is back, you know, in the early 1900s. Vulgarity. I know. And we're harping on this, but it's important that we. We're not making a hit piece on some American hero. But it is crucially, crucially important for us to acknowledge that this person was a human being and not just some airbrushed ideal of early America. Which, not to say that he didn't do some amazing things, it's just that he did a lot of horrible things. And when scholars tackle the question of whether Franklin was being comedic or serious, they go back to context clues, whether the letter was delivered. What other kind of stuff did he write? He, for instance, wrote an article about flatulence.

[B]

That's right. Called the title the Glorious Fart, or something like that.

[A]

Fart proudly.

[B]

Fart proudly. Yeah. And that was satire, right?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, that was satire. But that was satire with, I guess, a cause, because he was saying, it's a natural act. Don't be ashamed of it.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

And he had some hypocrisy going on there, too, right?

[B]

Oh, big time. I mean, in so many ways. Again, like in poor Richards, he really tries to. I don't know if he's trying to do it for the sake of vanity or whatever, but he certainly. All these aphorisms are meant to be these virtuous ways of living, these kind of. The Tao of Ben Franklin kind of things, you know, but he even characterizes sex as a very utilitarian thing, referring to it as something that should never be done for pleasure, that should only be done for procreation, you know, for the greater good. But obviously he did not practice what he preached in that respect at all. And he was even. There was rumor that he was a member of the Hellfire Club, which was a group of aristocratic men who potentially engaged in like orgies and, you know, all kinds of crazy shenanigans.

[A]

Yeah. And those, those rumors. I think at this point we still have to say he may have been involved, but those. The circumstantial evidence was pretty, pretty strong. We also know that he was hoaxter who was a troll for fun. Can you imagine him in the age of the Internet? I'm having a tough time. He also was known for doing all kinds of weird experiments. He had electricity parties when he wasn't holding orgies. He invented his own Alphabet.

[B]

We did a whole episode on that one.

[A]

Yeah, we did.

[B]

We sure did. Yeah. Check back on that one if you want to hear more.

[A]

And I think we talked a little bit about some of his inventions, not all of which were amazing. He had a. We mentioned this in previous episode. He did make bifocals. He did make the Franklin stove. That was his first invention. He made the glass harmonica, which quickly got a bad reputation due to the lead in the glass.

[B]

Oh, but there's still. This is a really cool instrument. It's got like a rotating drum kind of situation where it's like beveled glass orbs. Almost like you'd think of a Christmas decoration.

[A]

Glass bowl.

[B]

Glass bowls, but they're all joined together and you know, you know, it's the same idea as playing tones from a half filled or various levels of water in wine glasses. You rub your finger around it, it creates a synthetic vibration. But they do still exist. And if you look, if you Google it, you can find some concerts of classical pieces being played on the modern day harmonica.

[A]

Yes. Which will not poison people. Correct.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

This is such a ghostly distinct sound. Casey, if you could, could you play just a short clip of that so everyone can hear the music?

[B]

Sa.

[A]

Perfect. That's some spooky stuff. Oh, Casey, by the way, while we've got you here, do you think this letter was sincere or meant in jest? That's a tough one.

[B]

This doesn't seem funny enough to be satire. It's so hard to say something that.

[A]

Old from such a different time.

[B]

But yeah, it's probably mostly sincere, I.

[A]

Would say, which is Oof.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Also, Casey on the case, we have the verdict.

[C]

Did you know Tide has been upgraded to provide an even better clean in cold water? Tide is specifically designed to fight any stain you throw at it, even in cold butter. Yep. Chocolate ice cream.

[B]

Sure thing.

[C]

Barbecue sauce. Tide's got you covered. You don't need to use warm water. Additionally, Tide pods let you confidently fight tough stains with new coldzyme technology. Just remember, if it's gotta be clean, it's gotta be Tide. It's the season to come together over your holiday favorites at Starbucks. Warm up with a creamy caramel brulee latte, get festive with an iced gingerbread chai or share a velvety peppermint mocha together is the best place to be at Starbucks. Is moderate to severe plaque psoriasis keeping you covered up and feeling less confident? Clearer skin with Bimzelix can give you a chance to say I'm back. Bimzelix Bimakizumab bkzx is a prescription medication taken by injection used to treat moderate to severe plaque psoriasis in adults who are candidates for systemic therapy or phototherapy. Vimzelix can deliver transformative relief. Most people got 100% clear skin in combined clinical studies. Nearly 9 in 10 people saw 90% clearer skin and more than 6 in 10 saw 100% clearer skin at 16 weeks. Start getting back to liking your reflection, say so long to long sleeves. Love your skin again with Bimzelics only Bimzelics targets and blocks IL17A F to calm inflammation, serious side effects like suicidal thoughts and behavior, infections and lowered ability to fight them. Liver problems and inflammatory bowel disease have occurred. Tell your doctor if these happen or worsen or fevers, chills, muscle aches or cough occur or you've had a vaccine or plan to before starting. Get checked for infections, tuberculosis and liver problems. Get back to clearer skin. Ask your dermatologist about Bimzelix, the first approved treatment of its kind. Learn [e-mail] or call 1-833-UCB now. 1 want Black Friday prices without the crowds? Lowe's gets it. Shop their early Black Friday deals and beat the rush. $99 is all you need to grab a select 7 foot pre lit artificial Christmas tree for the holidays. And don't sweat. What gives to get dad? They have up to 40% off select tools and accessories going on now. That's how Lowes celebrates Black Friday. Early selection varies by location while supplies last.

[B]

Hey everyone, Ed Helms here.

[A]

And hi, I'm Kal Penn, and we're the hosts of Irsay The Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club.

[B]

This week on the podcast, I am sitting down with Jenny Garth, host of the iHeart podcast. I choose me to discuss the new Audible adaptation of the timeless Jane Austen classic Pride and Prejudice. This is not a trick question. There's no wrong answer. What role would I play?

[C]

You know what? I can see you as Mr. Darcy. You got a little Colin Firth.

[B]

Okay, that's really sweet. I appreciate that, but. But are you sure I'm not the dad? I'm not Mr. Bennett here, listen to earsay the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club on the iHeartradio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

[A]

So, as mentioned in a previous episode, he compiled a list of 200 plus very specific synonyms. If you heard our previous episod, then you may know what we're alluding to. We would like to introduce you to the return of Ben Franklin's 200 plus synonyms for being Drunk.

[B]

Oh, these are. I adore these.

[A]

I never get tired of these.

[B]

I feel like most of these work really well if you say them in a cockney accent.

[A]

All right, give it a go.

[B]

I'll just do a handful. Let's see, and then we can switch off. He's had a thump over the head with Samson's jawbone He's bridgy, he's cat chagrined, capable, cramped, cherumbilical, cherry Mary wample, cracked, concerned, halfway to Concord. He's taken a chirping glass, Got corns in his head, a cup too much. I don't even know how to say this one. He's eat his copper, he's crocus catched, he's cut his capers he's been in the cellar, he's in the cups, non compost cocked, curried cut, chipper, chicory, loaded his cart.

[A]

Okay, I'd like to do a few as well.

[B]

There's literally 200 of them.

[A]

There's so good.

[B]

So many.

[A]

My favorites are the ones that. That don't make too much sense in the modern day. So stuff like, I'll do a different English accent. Stuff like he makes Virginia fence. He's disguised with a Z He's right before the wind with all his studding sails out he's been too free with Sir John Strawberry. What the fuck? He's drunk as David sow He's seen the yellow star he's as stiff as a ring boat his shoe pinches him he's staggerish, he's polite, he's wasted his punch. He's been amongst the Philippians. He's contending with Pharaoh. And what I think is weird about that is a while back, I cooked up the euphemism that I like to use for when someone's had too much to drink, which was they're very charming.

[B]

My mom likes that one as well.

[A]

Very charming.

[B]

My mom's always said that. I love that too. Some of these are just. Again, we're going through them alphabetically, but he's eat a toad and a half for breakfast.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He owes no money, man, a farthing.

[A]

He's as. As good conditioned as a puppy. He smelt of an onion, which is so much of these euphemisms are just all dependent on intonation, right? Oh, he's going to Jerusalem.

[B]

He's got the gout. He's had a kick in the guts. Been with Sir John Goa. Been at Geneva Globular, got the glanders.

[A]

He's been before George.

[B]

Oh, before George. Oh, George. Top heavy. Yeah.

[A]

I don't know why he's. Apparently Ben Franklin was trolling some people. I like to think that he had a friend named George and he was trying to make fun of him while making a figure of speech.

[B]

Well, I don't know. Now that's a question I wanted to ask you, Ben. I feel like this is sort of an anthropological experiment where he's overheard these in various pubs throughout his travels and he's documenting them.

[A]

That's the official explanation. But some of these feel styled upon.

[B]

I would agree with you.

[A]

So let us know what your favorite one is.

[B]

A lot of biblical ones. Going to Jerusalem, been to Jericho. My favorite, most straightforward one is he's intoxicated, he's had too much to drink.

[A]

Did you see Nymph Topsical? He's nymph Topsical.

[B]

That's like some Seuss stuff right there.

[A]

Or Oxycrosium. So none of this, despite the fact that we both obviously think this is hilarious, none of this mitigates his overwhelmingly gross activities with women. His letter, which is pretty short, you can read in full online. His letter does, it sounds like to all three of us, come off more sincere than coming off as a satirical piece. You know what I mean? And thus ends the story of one of Ben Franklin's most famous or infamous unsent letters. But this does not end our show. Nola. I propose that we take a trip into a segment we haven't done in a while.

[B]

Listener mail.

[A]

Sounds great, man. What do we have?

[B]

Our first listener mail comes from Christine C. And it is in regards to our tooth fairy episode. Christine writes, my kids had the worst tooth fairy ever. She was consistently late. After a while, she started leaving notes explaining why. Little notes written with pink or purple gel pen. One fairy was fighting in a civil war. One was in drug rehab for a fairy dust addiction. There were many others. I remember one of my daughters actually gave back some of the money to help these derelict tooth fairies. Love the show. Christine. That's. That's really funny.

[A]

That's great. Thank you so much for writing in. We have received some great stories from everyone about their own tooth fairy experiences. Here's one from Mike T. Mike T. Says, gentlemen, enjoyed the episode about the tooth fairy. Didn't realize how recent that entity is. Since you asked, I had a fairly unorthodox approach to interacting with my daughter when she started losing teeth. This was about eight years ago. Instead of money, she got a poem under her pillow. The poem was purportedly from the tooth fairy and they were centered around the tooth loss. I still have a collection of about five or six of them on the computer. The Lost Teeth Chronicles. At some point, our daughter actually wrote a letter to the tooth fairy trying to figure out why she wasn't getting any money. She was pretty upset about it. I think she still has the reply from the tooth fairy in her drawer somewhere. Anyway, thanks, Mike. So it sounds like we have a lot of parents who are taking an innovative and original approach to the tooth fairy story. I think that's pretty cool.

[B]

I do too. And it was not something that I really considered, but why not make it your own, right?

[A]

Absolutely. And since this practice is fairly recent, and who knows, the practice that you invent with your loved ones may become the dominant thing. You know what I mean? A few decades from now, people may be getting tooth fairy poems instead, or tooth fairy correspondence instead of quarters or nickels or however it works out with inflation. I'll have to check the episode out again. This concludes our listener mail, but not our show. Thank you so much for listening. Please tune in for our next episode when we uncover what may be the one of the real life inspirations for the tale of Rapunzel. In the meantime, you can find Casey, Noel, and myself all over the Internet. We're on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, all that jazz. We've got a community page where you can meet our favorite part of the show, your fellow listeners. It's called Ridiculous Historians. And if you want to find us personally on Instagram, we can help you out with that too. I am Ben Boland.

[B]

I am at Embryonic Insider. Big thanks to our super producer Casey Pegram. As always, Alex Williams, who composed our theme.

[A]

Yeah, oh, I was just hype manning you.

[B]

I know you are a big fan of all of these folks, Alex, as am I. And of course our research associate, Gabe.

[A]

Yes, yes, thanks so much. And Noel, thanks for. Thanks for hanging out with me as we dive once again into. You know what? I feel like we did something important in this episode, but I can't resist going back to those synonyms for being drunk.

[B]

Oh, I know. They're just too much fun.

[A]

If you have a made up synonym for being drunk, go ahead and send.

[B]

It to us as well. Yeah, you can also just do [e-mail] we will see you next time. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Honestly, Honestly, honestly. No one wants to think about hiv, but there are things that everyone can.

[A]

Do to help prevent it.

[B]

Things like prep. PREP stands for Pre Exposure Prevention Prophylaxis, and it means routinely taking prescription medicine before you're exposed to HIV to help reduce your chances of getting it. Prep can be about 99% effective when taken as prescribed. It doesn't protect against other STIs, though, so be sure to use condoms and other healthy sex practices. Ask a healthcare provider about all your prevention Options and visit findoutaboutprep.com to learn more. Sponsored by Gilead hey audiobook lovers.

[A]

I'm Kalpen.

[B]

I'm Ed Helms.

[A]

Ed and I are inviting you to join the best sounding book club you've ever heard with our new new podcast, Irsay The Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club.

[B]

Each week we sit down with your favorite iHeart podcast hosts and some very special guests to discuss the latest and greatest audiobooks from audible.

[A]

Listen to Earsay on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Follow Earsay and start listening on the free iHeartradio app today.

[C]

Want Black Friday prices without the crowds? Los Gets shop their early Black Friday deals and beat the rush. $99 is all you need to grab a select 7 foot pre lit artificial Christmas tree for the holidays. And don't sweat what gifts to get dad. They have up to 40% off select tools and accessories going on now. That's how Lowe's celebrates Black Friday. Early selection varies by location while supplies last.

[B]

Ah, greetings from my bath festive friends.

[A]

The holidays are overwhelming but I'm tackling.

[B]

This season with PayPal and making the most of my my money getting 5% cash back when I pay in 4. No fees, no interest. I used it to get this portable spa with jets. Now the bubbles can cling to my sculpted but pruny body.

[A]

Make the most of your money this holiday with PayPal.

[B]

Save the offer in the app ends.

[A]

12:31 see paypal.com promoter points can be redeemed for cash and more. Paying for subject to terms and approval. PayPal Inc. And MLS 910457Amazon Five Star.

[C]

Theater presents real customer reviews performed by a real serious improv podcaster.

[B]

Tonight's review Spatula for the Stars. When I'm dead and civilization eventually collapses.

[C]

This spatula will remain.

[B]

It will be the only rune uncovered by some unknown species of the future upon which they base their assumptions of our existence.

[A]

Eggs they will posit.

[C]

These extinct people like to eat their eggs, and this was their primary tool for cooking them.

[B]

Let us teleport and put this device.

[C]

In the Milky Way exhibit. 5 stars Zachary, find your perfect gift.

[B]

This holiday on Amazon.

[C]

This is an I Heart podcast.