Ridiculous History

Episode: CLASSIC: The Weird Life of George Washington, Part 1
Date: December 27, 2025
Hosts: Ben Bowlin & Noel Brown
Guest: Christopher Haciotes

Episode Overview

In this lively, irreverent, and trivia-packed episode, Ben, Noel, and guest Christopher Haciotes embark on Part 1 of a two-part journey through the lesser-known, peculiar, and downright ridiculous aspects of George Washington’s life. Rather than retelling the standard “Father of His Country” biography, the team dives into misconceptions, myths, quirky habits, and strange truths lurking behind America’s first president—revealing a man who was at once a revered statesman, a mythic figure, and, in many ways, a mystery.

Main Topics and Discussion Points

Setting the Stage: Why George Washington?

• Podcast Purpose: The hosts lay out their intention not to rehash textbook history but to explore strange, often unknown facts about Washington. The show's tone is unserious, friendly, and packed with tangents and asides.
• Guest Introduction: Christopher Haciotes is introduced as a “brother in arms” and “longtime friend of the show.”
  [05:12]

  "Hey, everybody. Hey, Casey. Hey, Noel. Hey, what's your name?"
  —Christopher Haciotes, playfully ribbing Ben.

Offbeat Early Banter: Misconceptions and Mystique

Timestamps: 06:44–10:53

• Origins of the Episode Idea
  Christopher's recent trip to Washington State sparks the idea for a Washington-themed show, but with the twist of focusing on George, not the state.

• The Mythic Status of Washington
  Discussed as moving “from the realm of earthly creatures into the world of myth.”

  "He has moved from the realm of earthly creatures into the world of myth in many ways."
  —Ben [10:10]

• Teeth Myths & Running Jokes
  The crew pokes fun at the “wooden teeth” myth, with inside jokes about “seahorse teeth.”

  "Seahorse teeth. It was straight seahorse teeth."
  —Noel [09:12]

Hidden Facts & Pedantic Trivia

Timestamps: 11:25–16:26

Washington’s Real Birthday

• Calendar confusion: Washington’s actual birthday was February 11, 1731 (Julian calendar), later shifted to February 22, 1732 (Gregorian calendar).

  "Apparently that in and of itself is a misconception."
  —Noel [11:28]

No Middle Name

• Washington had no middle name, a bit shocking by today's standards—and a prompt for running jokes about giving him one.

  "George Washington. That's his name. That's it. No middle name."
  —Christopher [12:56]

A Tangent on Presidential Pedantry

• Comparisons to Harry S. Truman's “S,” which didn’t stand for anything, and humorous asides on middle names in history ensued.

Deep Dive #1: George Washington, Whiskey Baron

Timestamps: 20:44–27:57

• Retirement Dreams: After leaving the presidency in 1797, Washington, wishing for a “more tranquil and freer from cares” retirement, was convinced by his estate manager James Anderson to open a whiskey distillery at Mount Vernon.

• Whiskey Details:

  • At its height (1798-99), distillery produced 11,000 gallons/year, one of the largest operations in the country.
  • Signature whiskey: 65% rye, 30% corn, 5% barley; unaged, sold by the barrel.
  • Other products: peach, apple, and persimmon brandy; vinegar; fermenting byproducts fed to pigs.
  • The distillery met its end in 1814 due to a fire (after being transferred through Washington’s heirs).

• Modern Revival: Mount Vernon restarted distilling in recent years, selling historically-authentic bottles for about $98.

  “Come for the history, stay for the whiskey.”
  —Ben [25:30]

• Sobering Truth: Explicit mention that enslaved Africans did the actual labor in the distillery.

  "This was really a project of James Anderson, the plantation manager, as well as six enslaved Africans..."
  —Christopher [27:50]

Deep Dive #2: The Freemason Angle

Timestamps: 29:10–34:35

• Washington's Masonic Ties: He became a Master Mason at 21; the organization counted many founding fathers as members (Franklin, Hancock, Paul Revere, Lafayette).
• Conspiratorial Theories: The hosts explore (and debunk) the idea of the Masons as a shadowy revolutionary force, stressing their social/club aspects and small-world reality of 18th-century elites.
• Monumental Weirdness: The Washington Monument’s “weird” design and its Masonic/conspiratorial associations are playfully discussed.

  "They said, let's get weird with it. Have you guys heard of obelisk?"
  —Ben [35:14]

Debunking and Contextualizing the Myths

Timestamps: 40:13–42:23

• Invented Stories: The myth of Washington's cherry tree was pure fabrication by biographer Parson Weems.

  "...his biographers said, we don't need just a man, we need a myth."
  —Ben [41:33]

• Larger Than Life: They note how Washington’s image was intentionally mythologized, fusing legend and fact for posterity.

Hemp Farming and Agricultural Oddities

Timestamps: 43:08–49:26

• Washington as a Hemp Farmer:
  Grew vast quantities of hemp, mainly for rope/fiber; switched to wheat as it became more profitable.
  • Modern Mount Vernon now grows hemp again (since 2018).
• Hemp ≠ Marijuana:
  Important distinction between psychoactive marijuana and industrial hemp.
  • Discussion on modern hemp legalization and the confusing legal/cultural status of cannabis products.

  "I kind of have a feeling that old George Washington might have had issues with prohibition of any kind..."
  —Noel [48:27]

Philosophical & Cultural Context

Timestamps: 48:48–49:26

• Washington on Moderation & Morality:
  He was not a proponent of overindulgence; not personally evangelical or deeply religious, more influenced by rational morality.

  "He had these sorts of beliefs, placing rational morality over spiritually motivated morality in common with some other founding fathers, like Jefferson..."
  —Ben [49:26]

Running Gags & Memorable Moments

• Straight Seahorse Teeth:
  Continues as an evolving inside joke/jargon for something exceptionally weird, or “super dope.”

  "Straight seahorse teeth af."
  —Christopher [09:47]

• George’s Middle Name Game:
  Ongoing bit about what Washington’s middle name should have been (“Mash Bill,” “Seahorse Teeth,” “Whiskey Pouch”).

• Quizter/Evil Sprites:
  References to recurring gags and the “Quizter” character as a nerdy, omnipresent fact-checker.

• Pop Culture Tangents:
  Comparing Washington’s “General of the Armies” title to North Korean “Eternal President,” riffing on indoor whiskey barrels, historical eggnog, and the myth of the Founders as stoners.

Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• On Washington's Insta-worthy Portraits:

  "...the things that are on the dollar bill, that's essentially like the Instagram of the time."
  —Christopher [07:31]

• On Creating Myths:

  "We don't need just a man, we need a myth."
  —Ben [41:33]

• On Conspiracy Thinking:

  "Everything in the past looks like it unfolded in a way that it was meant to and in a way that made sense. But... there are innumerable other ways things could have happened..."
  —Christopher [33:52]

• On Mount Vernon’s Modern Whiskey:

  "If we could buy not just a bottle, you know... I would just love to just load up a barrel and bring it back to the office."
  —Ben [26:07]

• On the Importance of Nuance with Hemp:

  "...any one plant or one species can have different applications."
  —Christopher [47:18]

Episode Highlights by Timestamp

• Birthdate & Calendar Confusion: 11:25–12:28
• No Middle Name & Tangents on Presidential Names: 12:56–15:41
• Washington as Whiskey Baron: 20:44–27:57
• Freemasonry & Conspiracies: 29:10–35:41
• Invented Myths (Cherry Tree, etc.): 41:33–42:23
• Hemp Farming: 43:08–45:04
• Modern Legalization & Use of Hemp: 45:04–49:26

Tone and Style Notes

The episode is marked by irreverent humor, frequent digressions, in-jokes (“seahorse teeth,” “Quizter”), and a casual, conversational approach to history. The hosts are quick to poke fun at themselves, each other, and at the absurdities of the historical record, while also delivering well-researched facts and a genuinely educational experience for the listener.

What’s Next: Episode Cliffhanger

The hosts end with the realization they've only scratched the surface, teasing a spontaneous two-parter:

"We are in for a spontaneous two parter. What do you guys say?"
—Ben [50:55]

For Listeners Who Missed the Episode:

This episode is a playful, often hilarious, but always insightful journey into the less-visited aspects of George Washington's legacy. If you think you know America's first president, this episode will surprise, amuse, and even challenge your view—while stoking your curiosity for Part 2.