The Darién Gap, or: the Real Reason Scotland Lost Its Independence

Summary

Ridiculous History Podcast Summary: "The Darién Gap, or: the Real Reason Scotland Lost Its Independence"

Release Date: March 18, 2025
Host: Ben Bullen and Noel Brown
Production: iHeartPodcasts

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Introduction: Setting the Stage

In the episode titled "The Darién Gap, or: the Real Reason Scotland Lost Its Independence," hosts Ben Bullen and Noel Brown delve into a lesser-known yet pivotal moment in Scottish history. They explore the ambitious yet catastrophic Darien Scheme, which played a crucial role in Scotland's loss of independence in the early 18th century.

Understanding the Darien Gap

What is the Darien Gap?
At [06:37], Ben Bullen introduces the Darien Gap, clarifying that it is not a clothing store but a formidable region comprising approximately 66 square miles of rainforest and rugged mountains situated between Panama and Colombia. Renowned for its treacherous conditions, the Darien Gap has historically thwarted attempts at large-scale settlement due to its extreme weather, dangerous wildlife, criminal activity, and natural disasters.

Strategic Significance:
As Noel Brown points out at [07:21], despite its inhospitable environment, the Darien Gap's geographical location made it an attractive target for colonial ambition. It served as the only land crossing from South to Central America, offering strategic advantages for trade between the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans.

Scotland’s Darien Venture: Ambition Meets Reality

The Vision:
In [08:13], the hosts discuss how, in 1698, Scotland embarked on the Darien Venture, an extraordinarily ambitious colonial scheme aimed at establishing a trading colony in the Darien Gap. Inspired by the broader European scramble for the Americas, Scots envisioned Darien as a gateway to global trade, bypassing the lengthy and perilous route around Cape Horn.

William Patterson’s Role:
William Patterson, a successful Scottish merchant and founder of the Bank of England, emerges as the scheme's key architect. Born in Tynwald in 1658, Patterson aimed to rejuvenate Scotland's faltering economy by securing a prosperous foothold in the New World. "Darien could be the future of Scotland" at [10:03], Patterson saw the venture as a means to restore national pride and economic stability.

Challenges and Failures of the Darien Scheme

Logistical Hurdles:
By [12:05], Ben highlights the lack of infrastructure in the Darien Gap, which severely impeded the success of the settlement. The Scots faced insurmountable obstacles, including brutal climate conditions, disease outbreaks, and inadequate agricultural prospects. "They were super duper wrong. They were disastrously incorrect" [08:13], emphasizing the miscalculations inherent in the venture.

Financial Strain and Sabotage:
Funding the Darien Venture required substantial investment from Scottish citizens. As [14:00] Ben explains, approximately half of Scotland's national capital was funneled into the scheme, with significant contributions also coming from English and Dutch investors. However, external interference soon sabotaged these efforts. The East India Trading Company, wielding its monopolistic power, pressured English and Dutch backers to withdraw, effectively isolating Scotland.

Mortality and Mismanagement:
Upon arrival in November 1698 ([29:37] Noel), the initial expedition faced dire circumstances. Out of 1,200 settlers, harsh conditions and poor planning led to the death of over 200 colonists within the first few months. Robert Oswald, a young settler, provides a harrowing firsthand account at [35:10]:
"My shoulders have been so worn with carrying burdens that the skin has come off them and grew full of boils..."
This vivid description underscores the extreme suffering endured by the colonists.

Consequences for Scotland’s Independence

Economic Devastation:
The failure of the Darien Scheme left Scotland financially crippled. As [43:12] Noel summarizes, the disastrous venture led to the loss of national capital and personal savings, pushing Scotland into an untenable economic position. This financial ruin created a sense of desperation, making union with England appear as the only viable solution to prevent further economic decline.

Treaty of Union (1707):
Seven years after the Darien Disaster, Scotland was compelled to sign the Treaty of Union, merging with England to form the Kingdom of Great Britain. This treaty effectively ended Scotland's bid for independence. At [24:51], Ben likens the national investment required for Darien to "everyone in the United States putting half of their extra money into a space mission," highlighting the all-encompassing financial gamble that ultimately backfired.

Cultural and Social Impact:
The settlers who returned from Darien were viewed with disdain and as symbols of national failure. Noel reflects at [42:22], "What was meant to be a way to regain some national sense of pride and also financial stability had the exact opposite effect. Really set them back even further. It's really, really sad." This social stigma further marginalized Scotland, weakening its position in negotiations with England.

Primary Accounts and Historical Insights

Robert Oswald’s Testimony:
A poignant primary source included in the episode comes from Robert Oswald, a settler who survived the Darien Expedition. At [35:30], Noel reads from Oswald's detailed account:
"Our bodies pined away and grew so mad, eviscerated with such allowance that we were like so many skeletons."
Oswald's narrative paints a bleak picture of the colony's collapse, highlighting both the physical and psychological toll on the settlers.

Assessing Leadership and Morale:
Despite Patterson’s genuine belief in the venture, leadership failures and internecine conflicts exacerbated the colony’s struggles. At [38:07], Noel notes, "Despite the fact that clearly Oswald is saying the people at the top were not putting in the same effort. He says they're lying at ease, they're fighting with themselves." This internal discord further undermined the colony's resilience against external threats.

Conclusion: The Aftermath and Legacy

The Darien Scheme stands as a testament to the perils of overambition and external manipulation in colonial enterprises. Scotland’s economic downfall following the failed expedition forced a union with England, reshaping the political landscape of the British Isles. Ben and Noel conclude that the Darien Disaster was not merely a blunder but potentially a strategic move by English monopolies like the East India Trading Company to eliminate Scottish competition and secure their own economic interests.

Final Reflections:
At [44:23], Ben muses, "Why do the banks always seem to come out on top? Can't fight city hall." This remark encapsulates the overarching theme of powerful institutions prevailing over national aspirations, a recurring motif in historical narratives.

Recommended Reading:
For listeners interested in a deeper exploration, the hosts recommend John Preble's "The Darien Disaster," which provides an exhaustive account of the events and their ramifications.

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Notable Quotes:

• "You have to wonder, was England steepling its fingers the whole time? Was this their end game?" — Ben Bullen at [43:12]

• "Every man, let him never be so weak." — Robert Oswald at [36:32]

• "In retrospect... the new place called Fort St. Andrew was a more proper place for us." — William Patterson recounting at [30:48]

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Closing Remarks:

Ben Bullen and Noel Brown wrap up the episode by reflecting on the profound impact of the Darien Scheme on Scotland's history. They emphasize the lessons learned from this catastrophic venture, underscoring the delicate balance between ambition and pragmatism in nation-building endeavors.

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Listen to More:

For those intrigued by this episode, Ridiculous History offers a wealth of similarly engaging and informative content exploring the bizarre and overlooked facets of human civilization. Tune in on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or your preferred podcast platform to continue your journey through history's most ridiculous tales.

Transcript

[Ben Bullen]

Ridiculous History is a production of iHeartRadio. Welcome back to the show Ridiculous Historians. Thank you, as always, so much for tuning in. Let's hear it for the man, the myth, the legend, super producer, Mr. Max Williams.

[Noel Brown]

Hello.

[Ben Bullen]

Hello, Max. Who's that wooing over there? Is that you, Noel Brown?

[Noel Brown]

Oh, you know, I like a good woo. And to woo you with history, and by you, I mean the ridiculous historians at home. I think we. We all do.

[Ben Bullen]

I am Ben Bullen and we are. We are following up on a. Guys, I don't think any of us have been to Scotland, right? Not yet.

[Noel Brown]

No, I haven't. But I've seen Train Spotting and Braveheart. Does that count? Yeah, I've got the full history of Scotland in those two films, past and present.

[Ben Bullen]

You're plugged in. You're plugged in. Max also has not been to Scotland, but it's currently part of the United Kingdom. This was not always the case. In fact, Scotland became a part of the UK as recently as 7, 1907. But it's still a very different part of the world. You know, it's got its own culture, its own cuisine.

[Noel Brown]

Oh, yeah, I thought of another Scotland movie, the Highlander series. That's like Scotland of the future, but also the past. It's weird the way those movies work.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah, yeah. Do check out the entirety of the franchise before you write to our complaint department, Jonathan [e-mail] especially the third one.

[Noel Brown]

I think is called the Quickening.

[Ben Bullen]

Maybe.

[Noel Brown]

Did I make that up or is that a dune thing?

[Ben Bullen]

Well, the Quickening is what happens when you kill another immortal in the Highlander franchise.

[Noel Brown]

Oh, no. Highlander 2 is subtitled the Quickening and Highlander 2 is Mega Weird. It's like very futuristic and very, very strange.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah, there's a time jump in there, right?

[Noel Brown]

Big time. What you got, Max?

[Ben Bullen]

I will say I brought up Scotland with my mom recently, as I pointed.

[Noel Brown]

Out to her that king James first, that is Bible dude, is also King James 6 of Scotland. And she's like, how? I'm like. Well, they merged the lines together and explained, like. But yeah, it's kind of weird. It's a fun little trivia question. And I also then dropped her the legendary King James quote where he says, in the eyes of God, kings are gods too. It's like the most egotistical line I've ever seen.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah. James, always known as a humble dude, as most rulers are. You know, it's funny, we were talking about this on a different show that inspired our episode Today, every so often, our beloved Scots will raise the flag and hold a referendum on regaining the independence that was lost in 1707. Remember that.

[Noel Brown]

Freedom. Freedom. That's the thing, Right? Sorry. Sorry. I'm hung up on Braveheart. Guys, please, Scottish listeners, don't. I'm not making fun. I love the culture and the country of Scotland. I'm just purposefully sounding like a rube.

[Ben Bullen]

Well, we could say that there is a conspiracy afoot, because depending upon whom you ask, there will be people who tell you that every time Scotland pushes for independence, the United Kingdom sabotages those efforts.

[Noel Brown]

Why would they do that? Rascals.

[Ben Bullen]

It's a. You know, maybe a story for a different day or a different show, but. Up. Bop.

[Noel Brown]

I wonder what show you're referring to, Ben.

[Ben Bullen]

We'll never know. We will know. We do. It's not.

[Noel Brown]

They don't want you to know. The show, the podcast, the movie, the ride, the book. Check out the book, by the way. It's still available anywhere fine books are sold.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah, it's a real sexy book. Fine book. Anyway, in today's episode, Noel, we're exploring how Scotland lost its independence in the first place. And it gets so ridiculous. This is something we discovered in the course of unrelated research.

[Noel Brown]

Yeah, it's true for that other F word. And it doesn't start in Scotland, actually. The real tale unfolds in a fantastical, terrifying, full and severely unconquerable stretch of jungle known as the Darien Gap. Breaking news.

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[Ben Bullen]

We're back. All right, what is the Darien Gap? Surprise, folks. It is not a Gap store in Darien. That was our first guess.

[Noel Brown]

I think I was wanting to get some slacks.

[Ben Bullen]

Some slacks from the Darien Gap.

[Noel Brown]

Yeah, some Gap slacks.

[Ben Bullen]

Gap slacks. The Gap instead, is like roughly a 66 or so square mile region of rainforest and unforgiving mountains between Panama and Colombia. For all of known human history, it has been untamable. You can't put infrastructure in there. Really. No big civilization succeed. It's got everything. Stefan, voice from snl. Brutal temperature extremes, dangerous wildlife, criminal cartels, human trafficking, disease, mudslides, gullies. If you're talking about danger, this place has it all.

[Noel Brown]

Indeed. And on a map, it does kind of look like, on paper, a pretty solid location. Strategically, geopolitically, economically speaking, for trade, et cetera. It's the only land crossing from south to Central Americ. And it's very, very convenient to the Caribbean. It's also right next to both the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah, like you were saying, Noel, if you just look at the map, you never actually step foot in the Gap like a lot of other people throughout history. You might assume it's kind of the park place or the Broadway in the great game of geopolitical monopoly. And back in the 1600s, Scotland made the same assumption. Beat me here, Max. Holy. Were they wrong? They were super duper wrong. They were disastrously incorrect.

[Noel Brown]

Boy, oh, boy, they were. One thing that we have to understand about this age of exploration is that as soon as European powers kind of clocked that there were these vast stretches of land that contained riches untold and natural resources over there in the Americas, everybody wanted a piece. It's like the gold rush in that way, trying to get a piece of the action. And we do literally mean everyone, Scotland being no exception.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah, back in 1698, the Scots made a trading colony in the Darien Gap. And this was part of something they called the Darien Venture, which is routinely described, optimistically, as the Most ambitious colonial scheme attempted in the 17th century. And we want to give credit where it's due. We're getting a lot of this from an awesome book by John Preble called the Darien Disaster.

[Noel Brown]

And this was not cheap, and it required, I mean, buy in from regular folks. You know, this was something that needed to be crowdsourced in order to pay for it.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah. This is where we introduce our flawed protagonist. There's a pretty successful Scottish guy named William Patterson. Clan Patterson. Our buddy Willie was born in Tynwall in 1658. And he would later go on to found the bank of England. So he made his first fortune doing that. And he also traveled extensively throughout the Americas and West Indies. Dude was a big deal. And when he came back to Scotland from his adventures abroad, he said, I'm going to make a second fortune. You see, I heard a story from a sailor.

[Noel Brown]

Ah, yes, a yarn. A ripping yarn.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah. He was in London before he came back to Scotland. And he met a sailor. This is his real name, Lionel Wafer.

[Noel Brown]

And he's a big fan of that hardtack.

[Ben Bullen]

Doesn't it sound like one of the fake names we would make up in improv?

[Noel Brown]

Oh, my gosh. You know, it also reminds me of Ben. A name that you might find in the fantastic seminal British television series Toast of London.

[Ben Bullen]

100%.

[Noel Brown]

Yes.

[Ben Bullen]

Good call. There, our buddy Lionel tells our pal Willie about this wonderful paradise on earth. Located in distant, exotic Panama. Lionel says, this has a sheltered bay. The natives are friendly. The land is rich and fertile. It's a place called Darien.

[Noel Brown]

Sounds nice, doesn't it? Again, on paper.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah, again, on paper. Especially if you're from Scotland. No offense, Scotland.

[Noel Brown]

Well, no, I mean, they. Not to say that Scotland doesn't have lush, rolling hills and all of that good stuff, but nothing resembling this type of potentially flourishing ecosystem.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah, yeah. And Willie immediately, just something about this story hooks him. The idea that Darion could be the future of Scotland. He says, look, everybody is getting into this colonialism game. Why not us? Why not us? Yeah. What if we start a trading colony right there at the crossroads of the Atlantic and the Pacific? And he was already thinking about how much money you could make. Because this is pre Panama Canal, right? So this could give you a shortcut through these continents. Otherwise you have to sail around Cape Horn. At the very bottom of South America. At the nadir of South America. And that's just a bummer. It takes forever.

[Noel Brown]

Oh, my gosh. What a hassle. Yeah, it's true. So Peterson has dollar signs in his eyes. And he's looking at the big picture of all of this. And perhaps he's so kind of enamored by the whole idea of this, and he used the word that's going to come up later scheme that he might have overlooked some of the potential drawbacks.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah, he was super hype. Like, if you have ever been brainstorming with your friends on a great idea and you get crazy optimistic, it's tough to be the person who says no or the person who says, hang on, let's really think about this. He didn't have anybody like that bringing him back to earth. He was.

[Noel Brown]

Didn't have any nomen, only yes men.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah. Yeah. He was straight up thinking they could pull a wicked and defy gravity.

[Noel Brown]

Oh, man, I was waiting for that reference. Just in general. Just in life.

[Ben Bullen]

Just expecting.

[Noel Brown]

Let's hold some space with those lyrics. Ridiculous story.

[Ben Bullen]

And our buddy Willie says he writes this down when he's describing the possibility of a Scottish colony in the Darien gap. He says this could be the door to the seas and the key of the universe.

[Noel Brown]

Okay. Wow. The door to the seas. That doesn't seem very practical. I can see the key to the universe, but door to the seas is a bit of an odd metaphor.

[Ben Bullen]

Key to the universe is the one that freaks me out a little. But I think we could both agree this is. If nothing else, this is a bit ambitious.

[Noel Brown]

Bit pie in the sky, a bit Highlandery.

[Ben Bullen]

Yes. He was experiencing the quickening.

[Noel Brown]

It would seem so, yes.

[Ben Bullen]

It's 1693, and Willie helped set up something called the company of Scotland, Trading to Africa and the Indies in Edinburgh.

[Noel Brown]

Descriptive. I get what they're about. Their purpose, you couldn't clock it from the name, was to establish a Scottish foothold there on the Isthmus of Darien in South America, Right on top of that famous gap, which they would also need to mind.

[Ben Bullen]

They mind the gap they fall in.

[Noel Brown]

Which they kind of did.

[Ben Bullen]

And he and his partners and this became an international affair. They said, look, our company is going to prosper with all this foreign trade, right? We're gonna. We're going to control the passage. And you fellow local Scottish residents, you can travel with us to this far flung remote spot. You can settle down there. You can have your own fortune, your own pursuit of happiness. You can establish a new life a world away.

[Noel Brown]

Your own copy of the key to the universe.

[Ben Bullen]

Your own copy of the sea.

[Noel Brown]

It really is a massive sales pitch.

[Ben Bullen]

Oh, yeah.

[Noel Brown]

To the Scottish people. Like we were saying earlier, this is an early example of kind of crowdfunding something because they certainly were putting out. He was putting up his own money of. Of course. But it was going to be such an expensive proposition that they needed some serious help. In order to do that, they had to sell this idea. And sell they did.

[Ben Bullen]

Big shout out to Ben Johnson over@historic UK.com who breaks down some of the blow by blow here. To be completely crystal clear, this is a crazy idea.

[Noel Brown]

Absolutely bonkers after a certain threshold, as you point out, Ben, in your outline here, I'm just going to paraphrase. Ambition often meets with some diminishing returns. And it's very important at this point in our story to wrap our heads around that. I think we've been teasing this already, but Scotland was in a state of massive national crisis and this was almost being presented as a path forward 100%.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah. If we go to Dr. Mike Ibeji writing for the BBC, then we get a sense of just how dire the situation had become at home. This is a little bit of a longer quote, so let's round robin it. Here we go.

[Noel Brown]

Decades of warfare had combined with seven years of famine to drive people from their homesteads and choke the cities with homeless vagrants starving to death in the streets.

[Ben Bullen]

The nation's trade had been crippled by England's continual wars against continental Europe, and its homegrown industries were withering on the vine.

[Noel Brown]

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[Noel Brown]

And Ben, I mean, not only did they need this economically, I mean morale was super low. This would be a way to kind of regain some national pride after all of this misfortune.

[Ben Bullen]

And now we see that there's not just a need for this, but there's a time window, the clock is ticking down. So this had to work. This could be a life saving move for Scotland. And more and more people were saying, do we have any other options? Our friends at the company of Scotland, Scotland, they go to some associates who are English and Dutch, and half of the capital for the crazy plan here comes from English and Dutch investors, the other half entirely from Scotland. However, things went sour almost immediately. And to be fair, they went sour due to forces outside of Scottish control. A big company conspired against them.

[Noel Brown]

Oh, yeah, One of the big ones, the big, big bads of history, the infamous East India Trading Company.

[Ben Bullen]

Boo. Max, give us a boo here. A louder one.

[Noel Brown]

Yeah, for sure. They were putting a ton of pressure on England to pull out of this investment. This, this scheme.

[Ben Bullen]

Oh, yeah, and we should point this out because we mentioned it a few times. Scheme has a sinister or sleazy connotation here in American English or US English, but in European English, scheme plans. Plan.

[Noel Brown]

Yeah, yeah. And I mean, I think when I was pointing out the kind of. I think I was definitely leaning into the English connotations around that at the top of the show, but that is not what they were going for here. Though looking back on it in history, that English interpretation kind of tracks a little better than plan.

[Ben Bullen]

They. Yeah, that's the thing. There is a conspiracy here. The East India Boys had this monopoly on trade and they were very serious players in the game. They wanted to eradicate all possible competition as soon as possible.

[Noel Brown]

Yeah, by any means necessary. They've got bodies they can claim, just like the.

[Ben Bullen]

Just like the big mule lobby and the US Camel corps.

[Noel Brown]

Okay, maybe a little worse, but fair enough. Absolutely. Arguably worse. Arguably a bit worse. You know, there's tons of fiction that involves the East India Trading Company as well. Just as like these sinister Illuminati type pullers of the strings of commerce and history.

[Ben Bullen]

One of the first, most dangerous international corporations. Right. And inherently tied into the politics of the crown at the time. So it came to pass that they used their monopolistic leverage to force all of the English funding out of the game at the last minute. At the 11th hour, the Dutch dipped out as well. So Scotland is left holding the bag. They become the sole investors, but they feel they're too far along. Like you were saying earlier, they need a win. So they just had to Keep selling the plan and sort of pray that it worked out in the end.

[Noel Brown]

Yep. So they just onward and hopefully upward was their trajectory at this point. At first it seemed like it might be salvageable. They had been, of course, betrayed, you know, one time of many by England. And they're corporate entities or extensions of the crown in the East India Company. Scotland was able to lean on its own native kind of businessmen and politicians, luminaries for more support, this included. We're getting to now extending the offer to thousands of ordinary Scottish people who were invited to invest in the expedition. I think around £500,000 of Scottish people's money went into this. And since we don't know the exact year, unfortunately we can't give that one a boop. But what we do know is that this comprised about half of the national capital available. Like overall.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah, it's for modern comparison, folks. It's as though everybody in the United States got a clarion call. They took all the extra money they had and they put half of it into making a space mission. So we are not exaggerating. This is not hyperbole. Literally, almost every Scottish person who had £5 to spare invested in this scheme.

[Noel Brown]

Somehow, two tuppence to rub together got thrown into this scheme. A quote from the BBC article that we mentioned before by Ben Johnson. The money was used to fit out five ships for the expedition. The Unicorn, great name for a ship. St. Andrew, Caledonia. Also really cool name. Couple cool names coming up too. Endeavor like that one very space. Like we have a spaceship called the Endeavor and the Dolphin, which I just did. Despite efforts by the English authorities to block them. The English ambassador to Holland even threatened to embargo any merchants who traded with the new company. So really, really continuing to ratchet up the pressure there and make sure that nobody was going to come to the aid of Scotland.

[Ben Bullen]

And we know that thousands, as you mentioned, thousands of Scottish people volunteered to travel on these five ships. And they said, look where a lot of these people honestly are fighting with famine at home. There are a lot of disaffected veterans of previous wars and they're looking for the next chapter in their lives. So thousands of people are moving to the tune of William Patterson and his founders or his co founders. And it was all inspired by a single guy by the tall tales of a sailor. If Lionel Wafer was not lying, he was at least embellishing a little bit. These guys had a wildly optimistic view of what they would find in the Darien Gap. And you know, you can tell they had big Plans by going to the manifest, the cargo manifest of the first expedition. They weren't bringing. Well, they were obviously bringing some survival equipment, but they also brought a lot of tchotchkes that they thought they could sell to the native people.

[Noel Brown]

Oh, not particularly clued in to the lay of the land there.

[Ben Bullen]

Boxes of wigs. What are you going to do with boxes of wigs?

[Noel Brown]

What are the native people going to do with wigs? You have to even, like. I don't know, it's very, very tone deaf, the whole thing. And, you know, another thing to think about, too, is that these Scots, these, you know, normal citizens who went along for this ride, they'd already lost so much and experienced so much hardship and loss that even the unknown of this to them was worth the risk. However, it was being sold to them as this new world kind of adventure, finding this paradise in the Darien gap. And I don't know, Ben, do you think this was an active grift or was it really just an example of putting the cart before the horse and kind of overly optimistic outlook on what was maybe to come?

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah, the latter. Patterson very much believed in this. And as a patriot, he was being sincere and genuine in that he honestly believed this would work. And so the Darien scheme now is more than an exciting business venture. It is a matter of national pride. It is patriotism. It's everybody chipping in to save Scotland.

[Noel Brown]

That's right. So the first expedition begins, sets forth. Anne arrives, writing for BBC History. Dr. Mike Ebeji puts it this way. The ship set sail from Leith harbor on the 4th of July, 1698, under the command of Captain Robert Penichuk. Of the 1200 settlers in the first expedition, only he and William Patterson knew of their destination, which was outlined in sealed packages to be open only once the ships were on the open sea. They're protecting their what, their. Their investment here. They're making sure that there's no espionage that, like, clocks the location and beats them to it.

[Ben Bullen]

Part of it, and we remember those Spanish forces are very active at this point in time as well. But another part is they already have the English opposition. So if they let word get out about their destination, things may get complicated. It's. So it takes a while to travel across the ocean at this time. They don't land until November 2nd. 70 people die on the way.

[Noel Brown]

Okay, not a great start. However, those that did arrive remained optimistic, and they named the peninsula that they landed on. New Caledonia and started the work of building a series of homesteads, you know, a Settlement.

[Ben Bullen]

And this is where we go to some primary sources. Our pal Willie Patterson is pretty honest about this. In retrospect. He, by the way, just spoiler. He later goes on to repair his reputation by giving a very objective, unforgiving review of the events. But when they arrive at this initial site, he describes it as a mere morass, neither fit to be fortified nor planted, nor indeed for the men to lie upon. We were clearing and making huts upon this improper place near two months, in which time, experience, the schoolmaster of Fools, convinced our masters that the new place now called Fort St. Andrew was a more proper place for us. And I want to take a second and just say how beautiful that writing is. Experience the schoolmaster of fools, indeed, the.

[Noel Brown]

Idea of an improper place neither fit to be fortified nor planted. So within the fort, they started to build the huts of what would then be named New Edinburgh. Makes sense.

[Ben Bullen]

They were still putting new in front of all the names.

[Noel Brown]

That's right. Of course. And you know, like you do when you're. I mean, they're trying to. Again, they're trying to extend their home to this new land. And so it would make sense that they would use familiar city names, kind of like a sister city situation. However, they soon found that the land was also completely unsuited for the kind of agriculture they were familiar with. And the native people there were super. Not down for combs, wigs, and mirrors.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah, and the weather was rough because this is the Darien Gap. So spring of 1699, we're talking delugious, torrential rain, biblical rain. And with that came a lack of sanitation and, of course, disease. So if you go To March of 1699, more than 200 of the original colonists have died, and things are just getting worse. The death rate is now over 10 people a day. So you wake up and you wonder which 10 of the folks you know are now dead.

[Noel Brown]

Yeah, really bad news. And to add insult to injury, the trade ships that were sent out to retrieve supplies came back with the news that all English ships and colonies. Surprise, surprise. Were forbidden from trading with the Scots by order of the king himself.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah. So the other European outposts that you could ask for help, they can't mess with you. And one ship doesn't. One ship doesn't make it off the sea at all. The Dolphin was captured by the Spanish over there in the Spanish Main.

[Noel Brown]

Yep, 100%. And its crew imprisoned. So it's likely that the folks. Folks who never made it to the Gap in the first place, however, may have actually had an easier go of it. Introducing Instagram Teen Accounts A new way to keep your teen safer as they grow. Like making sure they always have their seatbelt on. All right, buckle up. Good job. New Instagram Teen Accounts Automatic protections for who can contact your teen and the.

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[Noel Brown]

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[Ben Bullen]

Nikki Glaser from the Nikki Glaser Podcast.

[Max Williams]

On a more serious note, I'm still thinking about that commercial with Tom Brady.

[Noel Brown]

And Snoop Dogg hating on each other.

[Max Williams]

Because when you listen to the reasons for hating someone or something, you realize.

[Ben Bullen]

Just how stupid they really are.

[Max Williams]

There is too much hate in this country and it's gotta stop. So join us at iHeart in standing up to it.

[Noel Brown]

If you see hate, speak up, call.

[Ben Bullen]

It out and you can learn more.

[Max Williams]

By following hat's upwithhate.

[Noel Brown]

One member of the first expedition, a young man named Robert Oswald, wrote a very graphic and detailed account of his experience in the colony. And Ben, maybe we should do a little round robin of this one. I think it's worth reading the whole thing cause it really does paint quite the picture.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah, when I was doing the research for this, this really stood out to me because it's long and it's graphic, but it's important to hear it. Oswald begins by noting the settlers lived on less a pound of flour per week per person. And get this, the flour was moldy. It was gross. So he goes into detail. He goes into detail about his terrible experience and he. Here's what he says. Why don't you pop the top on this one?

[Noel Brown]

Sure thing. But when boiled with a little water, without anything else, big maggots and worms must be skimmed off the top. In short, a man might easily have destroyed his whole week's rations in one day and have but one ordinary stomach neither. Yet for all this short allowance, every man let him never be so weak. Daily turned out to work by daylight, whether with the hatchet or wheelbarrow, pickaxe, shovel, forehammer, or any other instrument the case required.

[Ben Bullen]

And so continued until 12 o'clock and at 2 again, and stayed till night, sometimes working all day up to the headbands of the breeches and water at the trenches. My shoulders have been so worn with carrying burdens that the skin has come off them and grew full of boils. If a man were sick, Oswald continues, and obliged to stay within no victuals for him that day, which just to step out here means if you took a sick day, you would starve. He continues, our counselors, all the while lying at their ease, sometimes divided into factions and being swayed by particular interest, ruined the public. Our bodies pined away and grew so mad, eviscerated with such allowance that we were like so many skeletons.

[Noel Brown]

So many skeletons. Also, excellent writing. Great find there, Ben. The Darien Disaster by John Preble, you've mentioned previously, is an excellent account of this, and I believe that's where that quote came from.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah, and we also know that Patterson, like, despite the fact that clearly Oswald is saying the people at the top were not putting in the same effort. He says they're lying at ease, they're fighting with themselves. Patterson is the leader of this group and he still has a terrible time, even though he's at the top. He loses his wife, his dreams clearly go wrong.

[Noel Brown]

Yeah, you're right. He really was a true believer in this plan. I mean, he wasn't trying to bilk any money to his credit.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah, there's a final straw. There's news that the Spanish are going to plan an attack on the colony. So the settlers run off to the sea. Panicking, they abandon the settlement. There are four ships that fled the colony and Only one made it back.

[Noel Brown]

To Scotland with less than 300 folks on board. And you'd think this was the end of the whole mess. Unfortunately, there is more. There was, in fact, a second expedition that left Scotland, Scotland in August of 1699, and they didn't know what they were in for. With the distance and the arduousness of the expedition, there was no way of getting word back.

[Ben Bullen]

It reminds me a bit of the Russian fleet that was traveling in our earlier episode about the Japanese or the Russo Japanese War. That's right, because they were sailing for months, and they had no idea what happened to the first folks. Oh, Noel. The second expedition, we've got three ships. Their flagship is the Rising sun. Altogether, they carry 1302 people. 160 of those folks are never gonna make it across the ocean. They die on the way.

[Noel Brown]

No. And this is all too common with these kinds of sea expeditions. I mean, it's just. There's no way around it. It really is a bit of a roll of the dice as to who's going to make it to the destination. Finding the colony completely abandoned, and they started to go about the process, the arduous task of rebuilding it. But the second colony just didn't do a whole heck of a lot better than the first. Understandably, the conditions were just not conducive to settlement.

[Ben Bullen]

And we know that everybody was looking for someone to blame. One Presbyterian minister in the second expedition immediately said the harsh conditions had driven the colonists away from God and said, it's your fault. He specifically wrote, our land hath spewed out its scum. We could not prevail to get their wickedness restrained, nor the growth of it stopped. Ooh.

[Noel Brown]

Spewed out its scum.

[Ben Bullen]

He was like, you guys are barbarians. You become monsters, and that's why everybody is sick and dying.

[Noel Brown]

You are damned. Yeah, a lot of you. He felt that the disease and all of the harsh conditions were a. It's like a Sodom and Gomorrah type situation or something like this was a form of divine punishment rained down from the heavens.

[Ben Bullen]

And add to that the constant, very real and actionable threat of Spanish attacks. No support from any of the English colonies. This inspires one officer, a young guy named Captain Alexander Campbell, to organize a preemptive strike against Spanish forces that are massing along the mainland. Their attack is successful. It's a surprise attack. But all it does, all this victory does, is piss off the Spanish. And the Spanish finally say, okay, we're going to come down with a hammer now.

[Noel Brown]

That's right. And they're led by Governor General Pimento. That's how I say it.

[Ben Bullen]

That's Lionel Wafer and Pimiento.

[Noel Brown]

Sounds like a delightful snack. Led this massive fleet and an army that besieged Fort St. Andrew.

[Ben Bullen]

And Fort St. Andrew outmatched, outgunned, they finally surrender in March of 1700. As a condition of the surrender, the surviving Scottish colonists are permitted to leave the fort peacefully to board their ships and make it back to Scotland. Only a handful do, and the blow to Scottish morale is incalculable. The colonists who did return, they were pariahs in their own land. They were now living representations of this amazing plan that went so wrong.

[Noel Brown]

What was meant to be a way to regain some national sense of pride and also financial stability had the exact opposite effect. Really set them back even further. It's really, really sad.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah. Some years later, Patterson was granted a pension, a pretty good pension for the time. But he died a broken man. Despite having done so many astonishing things in his life, the Darien scheme shipwrecked the Scottish economy. Overall. People had lost their life savings left and right. Scotland was incapable of continuing as an independent nation. You have to wonder, was England steepling its fingers the whole time? Was this their end game?

[Noel Brown]

I think so. I mean, look, we know that they can be some pretty calculating, wily, Beat me here, Max, but, yeah, I don't know, man. I think it's certainly whether or not it was the ultimate end game. They certainly weren't mad about it.

[Ben Bullen]

That's very diplomatic. That's a good way to put it. They were, at the very least, opportunistic, because seven years after everything goes terrible in Darien, Scotland is forced to concede to the act of Union to sign the Treaty of Union, becoming the junior partner in the United Kingdom, Kingdom of Great Britain. So they had to take the backseat. As part of the deal, England pays off Scotland's debts with something they call the equivalent. And I just love that term.

[Noel Brown]

Very diplomatic in and of itself. Right.

[Ben Bullen]

You shall have the equivalent.

[Noel Brown]

Yes, indeed. Yeah. This also led to the establishment of the Royal bank of Scotland as an entity to administer and distribute and invest this money.

[Ben Bullen]

And not to sound too cynical here, but Noel, riddle me this. Why do the banks always seem to come out on top?

[Noel Brown]

Can't find city hall.

[Ben Bullen]

Can't fight city hall. That is our show for today. That is the true ridiculous story of how Scotland lost its independence due to the Darien scheme. We can't thank you enough for tuning in, fellow ridiculous historians, but here we go. Thank You. You.

[Noel Brown]

We're going to try. Yeah, yeah. Huge thanks to you ridiculous historians. Yes, you. As well as to super producer Max the Haggis Williams.

[Ben Bullen]

Yes. I was hoping you would do it.

[Noel Brown]

All right. Max Longshanks Williams. Remember that character? He was the big bad in. In Braveheart. Sorry, I'm coming back to Braveheart. And I know Tartan Williams. I kind of think that Scottish people don't like Braveheart because I, I think there. I think there was some, Some, like, liberties taken with the depiction of that whole.

[Ben Bullen]

Absolutely.

[Noel Brown]

I think that's right. So, sorry, I keep bringing it up.

[Ben Bullen]

Have you seen. Have you guys ever seen a film made about U.S. history that is not made by people from the U.S. 100% the patriot. He. No, he was in it. Gibson was in it.

[Noel Brown]

I don't know. I'm just trying to name another Mel Gibson piece. Apocalypto.

[Ben Bullen]

Apocalypto. Speaking of segues, thank you also to Alex Williams, who composed this bangin track, Christopher Haciotes, Eve's Jeffcoat here in spirit. I was our research associate for this.

[Noel Brown]

You sure were, Ben. Killer job. And also, by the way, you were also, as you always are, the research associate for the Stuff They Don't Want yout To Know episode about the daring Gap, which is less about this Scottish aspect and just more about it being kind of this corridor for human trafficking.

[Ben Bullen]

Yes. Do check out our episode there. And thank you for recommending that, Noel. We've got other people to thank too, like the rude dudes of ridiculous crime.

[Noel Brown]

Big time.

[Ben Bullen]

And of course, now we are going to call it a day because we're gonna hop off the mic and have an intense conversation about Haggis. Thanks so much, Noel.

[Noel Brown]

Oh, man. To you as well. Well, we'll see you next time, folks. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

[Max Williams]

For some of us, personal finances aren't just personal. They include a lot more people than ourselves. Loved ones, neighbors, the communities we call home, and the causes we hold in our hearts. At Thrivent, we help plan your financial picture with the bigger picture in mind. Because even though our business is helping guide your finances, our ambition is to make it mean so much more. Thrivent, where money means more. Connect with [e-mail] the Unshakeables podcast is kicking off season two with an episode.

[Ben Bullen]

You won't want to miss.

[Max Williams]

Join host Ben Walter, CEO of Chase for Business, as he welcomes a very special guest chairman and CEO of JPMorgan Chase, Jamie Dimon. Hear about the challenges facing small businesses and some of the oh, moments Jamie has overcome. Listen wherever you get your podcasts. Chase Mobile app is available for select mobile devices. Message and data rates may apply. JP Morgan Chase Bank NA Member FDIC Copyright 2025 JPMorgan Chase Bank & Co. It's tax season, and by now. I know we're all a bit tired of numbers, but here's an important one you need to hear. $16.5 billion. That's how much money in refunds the IRS flagged for possible identity fraud last year. Here's another 20%. That's the overall increase in identity theft related to tax fraud in 2024 alone. But it's not all grim news. Here's a good number. 100 million. That's how many data points Lifelock monitors every second. If your identity is stolen, LifeLock's US based restoration specialists will fix it, backed by another good number, the million dollar protection plan. In fact, restoration is guaranteed or your money back. Don't face identity theft and financial losses alone. There's strength in numbers with Lifelock Identity theft protection for tax season and beyond. Join now and save up to 40% your first year. Call 1-800-LIFELOCK and use promo code iheart or go to lifelock.com iheart for 40% off. Terms apply. Does this podcast make you happy? Of course it does. That's why you're here. But it only comes out once a week. For happiness, every night. You need Adam and Eve.

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