Yet More Ridiculous Historical Honorifics: Ethelred Just Ain't Ready

Summary

Episode Summary: "Yet More Ridiculous Historical Honorifics: Ethelred Just Ain't Ready"

Release Date: May 6, 2025

Podcast: Ridiculous History by iHeartPodcasts

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Introduction

In the latest episode of Ridiculous History, hosts Ben Bullen and Noel Brown embark on a humorous and insightful exploration of historical honorifics. Delving into the origins and implications of these often bizarre titles, the duo uncovers the stories behind some of history's most ridiculous—and sometimes ironically misplaced—epithets.

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Understanding Honorifics

Ben and Noel kick off the episode by defining honorifics as elevated nicknames typically assigned to historical figures, especially royals. These titles are often bestowed without the individual's consent, leading to some humorous and misleading monikers.

Noel Brown (04:43): "Ridiculous honorifics are just the fancy version of a nickname, often assigned to historical figures, to royals, and sometimes without their consent."

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Case Study 1: Charles II – "Charles the Bald"

The hosts delve into the life of Charles II, the King of France and Holy Roman Emperor. They examine the ironic honorific "Charles the Bald," highlighting the discrepancy between the title and the man himself.

• Historical Context: Charles II, born on June 13, 823, was a significant ruler who simultaneously held the titles of King of France and Holy Roman Emperor from 875 to 877.

• Irony of the Honorific: Contrary to his title, Charles II was not bald. This misnomer serves as a prime example of how honorifics can distort the true characteristics of historical figures.

Noel Brown (05:21): "He was technically our co-worker. That is true, Ben."

Ben Bullen (15:40): “He was follically challenged.”

Noel Brown (16:32): "Charles was granted lands by his father, which led to internal civil wars within the family."

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Case Study 2: Louis XVIII – "Louis the Unavoidable"

Louis XVIII's tumultuous reign during and after the French Revolution is scrutinized. The hosts explore how his honorifics reflect both his political maneuvers and personal characteristics.

• Historical Background: Louis XVIII ascended to the French throne after the chaotic period of the French Revolution and the subsequent rise and fall of Napoleon Bonaparte.

• Honorific Analysis: Dubbed "Louis the Unavoidable," the title underscores his relentless efforts to restore and maintain the French monarchy amidst political upheaval.

Ben Bullen (33:23): “He looks like a were turtle.”

Noel Brown (33:08): "Louis the 18th, the unavoidable. He just insists on himself."

• Humorous Insights: The hosts playfully critique the honorific, suggesting alternative titles that better capture his persistent nature.

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Case Study 3: Ethelred II – "Ethelred the Unready"

The centerpiece of the episode is the examination of Ethelred II, often derided as "Ethelred the Unready." Ben and Noel dissect the origins and implications of this particularly insulting honorific.

• Historical Context: Ethelred II ruled England from 978 to 1016, a period marked by internal strife and relentless Viking invasions.

• Meaning Behind the Name: The term "Unready" derives from the Old English word "unræd," meaning "poorly advised" or "without counsel," rather than "unprepared." This misinterpretation has unfairly tainted his legacy.

Noel Brown (43:26): "Ethelred the Unready is a lot of guff from us here at Ridiculous History because of what the word unready means in 2025."

Ben Bullen (47:08): “Maybe the name meant more that he didn't have a lot of people on his side.”

• Ethelred's Struggles: The hosts detail Ethelred's unsuccessful attempts to fend off Viking invasions, relying heavily on bribes like the Danegeld, which ultimately failed to secure lasting peace.

Noel Brown (42:35): "The IRA tax."

Ben Bullen (43:04): “It could also just mean that he was dumb as a bag of doorknobs.”

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Humorous Tangents and Anecdotes

Throughout the episode, Ben and Noel intersperse their historical analysis with witty banter and modern-day analogies, making the content both informative and entertaining.

• Nickname Creativity: They joke about the modern usage of honorifics in everyday life and popular culture, drawing parallels between historical titles and contemporary nicknames.

Ben Bullen (14:48): "I'm hoping there are a lot of us. Please, please, please get in front of it with your street name."

• Pop Culture References: The hosts reference "Monty Python," "SNL," and "Game of Thrones" to illustrate the absurdity and creativity behind certain honorifics.

Noel Brown (34:29): "He looks like a were turtle."

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Insights and Conclusions

By dissecting these historical honorifics, Ben and Noel highlight the often arbitrary and sometimes malicious nature of how titles are assigned. They emphasize the importance of understanding the true context behind these names to appreciate the complexities of historical figures beyond their monikers.

Ben Bullen (48:29): “Maybe the nickname was a kind of cruel twist on the meaning of his actual name, Ethelred, which translates to noble counsel.”

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Notable Quotes

1. Noel Brown (05:21): "He was technically our co-worker. That is true, Ben."
2. Ben Bullen (15:40): “He was follically challenged.”
3. Noel Brown (33:08): "Louis the 18th, the unavoidable. He just insists on himself."
4. Noel Brown (43:26): "Ethelred the Unready is a lot of guff from us here at Ridiculous History because of what the word unready means in 2025."
5. Ben Bullen (48:29): “Maybe the nickname was a kind of cruel twist on the meaning of his actual name, Ethelred, which translates to noble counsel.”

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Closing Remarks and Teasers

As the episode wraps up, Ben and Noel tease upcoming topics, including a deeper dive into why the United States hasn't fully adopted the metric system and a compilation of miscellaneous historical oddities in their "Bits and Bobs" segment. They also extend gratitude to their producer Max Williams and acknowledge contributions from research associates and collaborators.

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Conclusion

"Yet More Ridiculous Historical Honorifics: Ethelred Just Ain't Ready" successfully blends rigorous historical analysis with lighthearted humor, offering listeners a captivating look into the sometimes nonsensical world of historical titles. Whether you're a history buff or someone who enjoys a good laugh, this episode delivers both education and entertainment in equal measure.

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Transcript

[Ben Bullen]

Ridiculous History is a production of iHeartRadio. Welcome back to the show Ridiculous Historians. Thank you as always, so much for tuning in. Let's hear it for our super producer, Mr. Max Williams.

[Noel Brown]

Did I do it this time? Right then, is it?

[Ben Bullen]

You're nailing it, man. Cool.

[Noel Brown]

I think it's the first time.

[Ben Bullen]

Ra Al Ghul.

[Noel Brown]

What was the Rufio thing? Bang, bang, bang. Yes.

[Ben Bullen]

Yes.

[Noel Brown]

Check out stuff. Spoiler alert. Sorry.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah, check out hook and stuff. They want you to know for more on the infamous Rufio, we're going to give Max an honorific for today's episode. You're Noel Brown. I'm Ben Bullen.

[Noel Brown]

Yes.

[Ben Bullen]

What if we call him Max the Ready Williams?

[Noel Brown]

Oh, he's always ready. He is Johnny on the spot, as they say.

[Ben Bullen]

Yes. For some reason I instantly wanted to reply spotty on the john.

[Noel Brown]

But that feels like, why wouldn't you? That's what the mind does. It seeks patterns and then jumbles them up.

[Ben Bullen]

There we go.

[Max Williams]

I don't want to say what that made me think of. Everybody involved. The Porta Potty, which is one of the nicknames we gave my friend Greg once when he tried to give himself a nickname.

[Ben Bullen]

Oh, yeah, I remember.

[Noel Brown]

Legendary Greg. Guys, have you ever heard of a Porta Potty brand called Honey Bucket?

[Ben Bullen]

I have not and I disagree with that. Isn't that name despicable?

[Noel Brown]

Can I just say, I think it's just awful.

[Ben Bullen]

So Honey Bucket sounds like a bad name for anything, including a literal bucket of honey?

[Noel Brown]

Absolutely. Don't want it, don't need it, don't want it around.

[Max Williams]

I'm not going to say. I'll say this off air to y'all, but I decided to sensor out, so I'm not going to say it.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah, I'm just tempting. It is now. I'm picturing Honey Bucket as one of those. One of those weirdly idiosyncratic Southern nicknames that someone will just drop in conversation, maybe at a diner, and you don't know how to react, like, okay, what can I get you? Honey Bucket.

[Noel Brown]

Yeah, like calling somebody sugar. In a word.

[Ben Bullen]

And with this. As you can tell, folks, we are super into nicknames and wordplay. This is part of our continuing series on something called Honorifics.

[Noel Brown]

You're listening to an iHeart podcast.

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[Ben Bullen]

Noel as you and I discovered previously on Rific is just the fancy version of a nickname, often assigned to historical figures, to royals, and sometimes without their consent, co sign or agreement.

[Noel Brown]

Typically that's the way proper honorifics work. To Max's point about his friend Greg giving himself a nickname and that backfiring dreadfully.

[Ben Bullen]

Like that old I love that letter legendary Saturday Night Live sketch about Sting giving himself the nickname Sting and everyone's going, okay, Gordon. Gordon.

[Noel Brown]

Yes. It's also reflected in Dana Carvey's seminal 1990s standup special where he does that whole bit and I didn't actually realize that it was originally part of a sketch and that a lot of the bits he does in that that were first time I was hearing them like chopping broccoli and all that. That was from his days on snl.

[Ben Bullen]

And speaking of spectacular comedy of yesteryear, let's get into some more terrible honorifics. Maybe we start with Charles ii. Charles ii.

[Noel Brown]

That's right. The king ruler of France and the Holy Roman Emperor. When talking about kings and emperors, Charles II was actually both of them. Britannica puts it thusly. Charles II, born June 13, 823, died October 6, 877. Brightest Le Bon France. I'm doing my best there, hopefully. Casey Pegram is proud. He was the king of France known as Francia Occidentales, the West Frankish kingdom. He served from 1843 to 1877 and was also the Western Emperor from 875 to 877. And you know, if that wasn't complex enough, history has reckoned him as Charles ii, both of the Holy Roman Empire and also of France.

[Ben Bullen]

Right. So be informed, folks. It may sound to a casual reader that there are two different Charles ii. In this case, it's the same guy. He's just pulling double duty in the great gig economy of monarchy. He is the son of Emperor Louis 1st the Pious, who is also. And he's the grandson.

[Noel Brown]

Do you think he was? Do you think he was that pious?

[Ben Bullen]

He probably had a good thing going with the church.

[Noel Brown]

Fair enough. They liked him. That's a good example of an honorific bestowed on someone who has a lot of political cachet.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah. And Charles II is also the grandson of Charlemagne, who is just a fascinating character.

[Noel Brown]

Charles the Great, Another very flattering honorific.

[Ben Bullen]

Yes. Like our coworkers, Charlemagne the God.

[Noel Brown]

He is technically our co worker. That is true, Ben. He and his second wife, Judith.

[Ben Bullen]

That's Louis second wife, not Charlemagne. The gods.

[Noel Brown]

Got it. Yes, exactly. So Charles was the unwitting cause of violence in 829. He was granted lands by his father. And this essentially led to a cavalcade, a domino effect series of internal civil wars. And by internal, I mean within the family.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah, very secession style. Right?

[Noel Brown]

That's right. So.

[Ben Bullen]

So Charlie gets a bunch of land. How does that lead to civil war? We have to remember what we. What we just mentioned there. There was a first wife, you know, and Louis had three sons with this previous spouse. And these three guys, understandably, they don't like that their younger half brother is getting all this real estate. Those three guys are Lothair the first, Louie two, Electric Boogaloo, and Pippin one.

[Noel Brown]

Pippin.

[Ben Bullen]

Pippin one.

[Noel Brown]

What is it? What's that song from? Pippin? Do you know? Pippin the Musical is written by the same guy that wrote Wicked. And when you listen to the music, you can really tell. I don't know if you guys are musical theater people, but I think he's got a song. It's called My Place in the sky or something. It's very jubilant and very wicked esque. But Pippin, yes, the first Pippin One, I don't think it has anything to do. I don't think it has to do with Pippin one.

[Ben Bullen]

I just like saying Pippin one.

[Noel Brown]

I like saying Pippin one as well. It really rolls off the tongue or pops off the lip. So, you know, playing favorites, I suppose, is maybe the issue at hand here, dad. Gifts, Charlie boy. A bunch of tracts of very valuable land. And it causes some resentment from the aforementioned Lothaire one, Louis two and Pippin one.

[Ben Bullen]

Yes. And our research associate for today's episode, Max Williams, speculates that perhaps the. The brothers three were resentful because Charles had a better name than them. And Lothar Louis, Pippin. Those are. Yeah, they're esoteric. Right. So this civil war over this real estate and other resentments goes from 8:29 all the way up to 8:38. And this is when Pippin One dies. Unfortunately for Pippin One, after the death of the paterfamilias Louis I in 1840, the Civil War kicks back into gear. And it continues until Louis ii, whose street name is Louis the German, joins forces with Charles and they band up against Lothar. And they do this through something called the Treaty of Verdun in 843. And the treaty of Verdun is kind of bringing order to the chaos, getting everybody on the same page. Look, we're all still 1 percenters. Can't we all just get along? So they allocate out all the lands they control to these three living brothers in pursuit of peace. However, as any ruler can assure you, peace does not always automatically mean things are simple. So.

[Noel Brown]

No, quite the contrary.

[Ben Bullen]

Right, right. Peace can be complicated. So Charles ruling post Verdun is kind of tricky, for sure.

[Noel Brown]

And really quickly off air, we had a funny little stumble wherein I accidentally played through my speakers a vintage SNL clip called Lothar of the Hill People. When I hear the name Lothar in this story, I think of, like, it should be followed up with, like, the Terrible or the Barbarian or something. And then it turns out Mike Myers played Lothar of the Hill People on an old snl spelled differently, but sounds different. It is Lothar, not Lothair. But it's still. The mind wants what the Mind wants.

[Ben Bullen]

Mike Myers, famously known for basing all of his sketches on this civil war in the 800s.

[Noel Brown]

100%. Don't fact check. It's there.

[Ben Bullen]

No, no, no. Think about Wayne's World. Really think about it.

[Noel Brown]

Well, now we've got Mike Myers and Dana Carvey entering the chat properly, so I think that was an important aside. So when Lothar's eldest son, who is the Emperor of The Holy Roman Emp, Louis II, he passed away in 875. Charles took a little sojourn over to Italy, where he was crowned emperor on December 25th by the popa John VIII. So this is how he managed to become both the King of France and the Holy Roman Emperor. So, you know, no slouch. Kind of doing double duty there at least, title wise.

[Ben Bullen]

Yes. And Max has a great Skyrim reference here that I don't want us to lose. Yeah, Charles was right. Like you were saying, Noel, Charles is in a precarious position because he has to question the loyalty of his vassals, the minor nobles that are supposed to be on his team. His real estate is getting raided by these groups of northerners, and he essentially is reduced to bribing them off, not conquering them, but paying them to go away. He gets defeated by the Bretons, quote, presumably using their partially elven blood for superior magic abilities. Max, I knew it was important to you that we put that in there.

[Max Williams]

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, the Durani elves and the needs created the bredons Bolivian Libyan. Wasn't out when this came. Got ridden.

[Ben Bullen]

Oh, okay, Wait, wait, wait, wait. Max with facts.

[Noel Brown]

Yeah. Oh, of course, you know, in fact, fact adjacent.

[Ben Bullen]

So as you. Yes, fact adjacent. Fictional facts.

[Noel Brown]

So.

[Ben Bullen]

So, like you were saying, there is this fascinating situation where Charles becomes both the Holy Roman Emperor, co signed by Pope John and the King of France at the same time. In 1876, after the death of Louis II, Louis the German, Charles invades his half brother's land. And then he gets defeated by Louis the German's son, who is Louis the. And his moniker, his honorific, Louis III the Younger. Which reminds me, you know, this is not very creative. Can I say this? For all our aspiring MCs in the crowd this evening, I'm hoping there are a lot of us. Please, please, please get in front of it with your street name. Be very careful about calling yourself Young something or Lil something, because if your career is successful, do you really want to be in your mid-50s and still go and buy like Young Mikey?

[Noel Brown]

It's a good point. I will say that sometimes these nicknames can evolve or by the very nature of one's own success, you can kind of toss them off. Stevie Wonder, for a long time early in his career was known as Lil Stevie Wonder because he was a child prodigy. But then he did not continue going by Little Stevie Wonder when he reached adolescence and adulthood.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah, yeah. So word to the wise, folks. We're. Let us help you set yourself up for success. Help us help you. So there's. Now, we've told you a lot of honorifics here, and we've talked a lot about our buddy Charles, but we haven't given anyone his honorific yet. We're going to give you the headline, and then we're going to tell you why he got that nickname. Play along at home. Can you guess why his honorific is Charles the Bald?

[Noel Brown]

He was follically challenged.

[Ben Bullen]

He was. Yes, yes.

[Noel Brown]

He was part of the much maligned and underappreciated class of bald people.

[Ben Bullen]

He was cranium enhanced.

[Noel Brown]

Hey, see, that's how Larry David would be proud. Well put.

[Ben Bullen]

And to understand the full context here, let's go to Aaron Kelly, writing for all that's interesting.

[Noel Brown]

Aaron puts it thusly. Charles was the king of West Francia, the king of Italy, and Holy Roman emperor from 875 to 77, as we mentioned, as Charles II, a grandson of Charlemagne. He actually wasn't bald. Dang it. It's an ironic epithet because he was actually quite hairy. Oh, it's like Little John in the Robin Hood canon. Okay, well, you know, we made an honest mistake, y'all.

[Ben Bullen]

Well, we got tricked, as did the rest of history. It's a very Iceland, Greenland thing. Still, though, even with very important historical figures, just the sheer amount of time between 800 something in 2025 means that a lot of the true story has been lost to history. And it can be difficult to suss out what is their equivalent of Internet trolling versus what is factual and proven. Kind of like the debate over Napoleon's height, which turned out to be propaganda. There's no.

[Noel Brown]

Wasn't there something about his penis as well?

[Ben Bullen]

Napoleon's penis?

[Noel Brown]

I thought there was.

[Ben Bullen]

I haven't really thought about Napoleon's penis.

[Noel Brown]

Yep, that's right. There was a. Sorry, the headline from 2008 at NPRP's the Twisted Journey of Napoleon's Privates. Look into that yourself. I'm almost positive we've talked about this in some form or fashion, but there is a story behind the provenance and ownership of Napoleon's junk.

[Ben Bullen]

People love Relics. People love relics. And the weirder the better, says history. So if you want to learn more about Charles, do check out Charles the the Story of the Epithet. It's a thesis written by Margaret Audrey Anderson over at Caltech. That's a pretty good one. That's a pretty tame one.

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Terms applied. That's GoDaddy.com/all access. Let's go to another honorific. It's weird to call these honorifics, but let's go to another honorific with Louis xviii. And a big, big thanks to our pal Max for replacing the Roman numerals with modern numbers.

[Noel Brown]

And really quickly, just to sum up, a quick off mic aside that I had, I was just curious, like, is honorific like a portmanteau of, like, honor and terrific or something? No, in fact, it actually has a Latin origin, meaning that which does honor. It comes from honorificus. So in case anyone was wondering, thought we'd go ahead and get that out of the way. But yes, let us do roll through with Louis the 18th, the king of France and Navarre.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah. So we're still in France. We're almost a thousand years in the future.

[Noel Brown]

Do they have flying cars yet?

[Ben Bullen]

They have some revolutionary ideas for sure. So for a nice little thematic bookend, yes, this guy's name is also Louis. There are 18 kings in French history who have the name Louis. They were just super into it. A lot of them had very famous names. We probably all have heard of Louis xiv, AKA the Sun King. We mentioned him in our conversation about ridiculous clothing with AJ Bahamas Jacobs. There were a lot of other people named Louis who had their own honorifics to differentiate them. And if we're positing why these guys keep having the same name, it's likely a move to generate credibility to the throne. Right. Like I'm, you know, I'm definitely just like the other king you liked. I've got the same name. We do want to give a shout out to, of course, Louis V. The Do Nothing. That's a heck of a street name.

[Noel Brown]

No?

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah. Rough day for Louis. Rough reign for Louis.

[Noel Brown]

We're going to get to another sort of dis in terms of laziness honorific coming up in a little bit.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah. So, okay, Louis xviii, the subject of our examination here, he didn't have the best time because he happened to be king when this other dude with a penis that would be famous in the future, a guy named Napoleon, was hanging out.

[Noel Brown]

Yeah. Apparently it became like this, the consistency of beef jerky because they didn't put it in formaldehyde and it like toured around the globe, like under glass, the whole thing. Sorry, I don't know why I'm hung up on this, but you brought it back up again. So Louis XVIII says Britannica was born November 17, 1755 in Versailles and passed away on September 16, 1824 in Paris. He was the king of France by title only in 1795. And in actual facts, to quote Lauren Vogel, genius catchphrase from 1814 to 1824. We're going to get more into the whole bi tidal period of this reign in a little bit. But Britannica goes on. Louis was the fourth son of the dauphin, which you might have seen in like, I believe the dauphin comes up in the Three Musketeers, which means the eldest heir to the king, Louis, the best son of. That's right, exactly. The special best boy. So that was Louis, the son of Louis the 15th, by the way. Way, we're going to get into some confusing naming conventions here because everyone here, as you mentioned, Ben, as an indicator of, you know, prominence or whatever, to remind the people that the Louis are the best. They were the good ones. They're all named Louie. So we're going to talk in numbers. So I myself will likely get. Continue to get confused. And Ben, thank you for going through and changing all the rooms to do actual numbers. I really appreciate it.

[Ben Bullen]

That's Max.

[Noel Brown]

Oh, well, thank you for Max then. Yeah, I'm not insulted at all, but I truly am not.

[Ben Bullen]

And we eat it because it can be like reading One Hundred Years of Solitude, if you remember that book most famous for. Well, it's great work of magical realism, but also a ton of people have the same name or very similar names. So.

[Noel Brown]

And let's be real, once you get into higher digits of Roman numerals, unless you're really up to snuff on it, it can be confusing for even the.

[Ben Bullen]

Best of us, of course. Yeah. So at times we may refer to these guys as just 18 and 16 to save. To save us all the heartbreak. Louis 18, the 18th, is given the title Comte de Provence.

[Noel Brown]

Sounds like a cheese.

[Ben Bullen]

It does. And it does sound good. After two of he gets his title and then two of his older brothers pass away. His eldest brother, Louis xvi. So they're brothers that are both named Louis Louis XVI becomes king. Louis 18 gets the title of heir presumptive. Louis XVI has two kids. So the king has two kids. And that means Louis 18 is going to have a much more difficult time becoming the king because the two direct children will get the throne first. So the revolution happens. French Revolution, 1789 was a wild time, you may have heard about it. And Louis XVIII stays in Paris, hopefully to exploit the situation. He's thinking, maybe there is opportunity in this chaos. Maybe I can ascend to the throne once this unpleasantness dies down. It did not die down. Super did not die down. And so Louis had to flee the country. He skips town in June of 1791.

[Noel Brown]

Little known detail. The French Revolution was often referred to as the Great Unpleasantness.

[Ben Bullen]

Right, right. The age of the guillotine. Louis XVIII publishes all these anti revolutionary manifestos. He gets a bunch of like expat associations together and they go around kind of door to door, castle to castle, asking other monarchs in different countries to help them in the fight against this dirty peasant uprising. Of course, Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette are still, you know, held captive by the revolutionaries. They're executed in 1793. Louis 18 hears about this and he says, well, you know, my nephew is young, Louis XVII is young, and I know he's the Dauphine, but I am going to be his regent. So right now what we would say is that Louis 18 is given big scar energy, you know.

[Noel Brown]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Long live the king. Indeed. So Louis XVII would eventually pass away in 1795 and his uncle would declare himself King Louis 18. Okay, we got a little more to get through some more Louis, in fact. So there's a huge problem here. Oh yeah, we did an episode on that too with Christopher Osiotes here in spirit. Yeah, check that one out. From the early days of ridiculous history. So there's a huge problem with Louis the 18th plan of like, you know, declaring himself king at this time. That wasn't a thing. There was not a king of France, hence the by title. Note that we mentioned above. So between 1795 and 1814, Louis kind of wandered the earth like Cain from Kung fu. At least you know, in Europe. He went journeyed between Prussia, England and Russia, promoting this notion of royalism. And this whole goals seemed to lose even more steam after Napoleon declared himself emperor in 1804.

[Ben Bullen]

Wait, wait. Yeah, and so this is weird because Napoleon actually tries to broker a deal with Louis the 18th and he says, look, if you abdicate your title and you admit that I, Napoleon, am the Emperor, we'll set you up for life, we'll give you a pension. You won't have to worry about anything. And Louis says, heck no, Manon. And so Napoleon runs into his own series of defeats.

[Noel Brown]

He takes him empiric victories and then absolute defeats.

[Ben Bullen]

Right, right. So it's 1813 and this is where Louis XVIII issues another manifesto. And he says, look, peasants, I will recognize some stuff from the French Revolution as long as we restore my monarchy. This is crazy, right? So the allied armies enter Paris. It's March of 1814. And there's this brilliant diplomat who often, yes, he often gets forgotten, but he's really good at negotiations.

[Noel Brown]

How can you get forgotten with a name like Talleyrand?

[Ben Bullen]

And So he. No, 18 and 16. For that guy, he's just Talleyrand. So he's able to negotiate this restoration such that on May 3rd of that same year, 1814, Louis is considered again the king. And that's why he was king in title for a while, but now he's king in fact.

[Noel Brown]

So on May 2, Louis 18 officially declared or at least promised a constitution monarchy. He wasn't going to be a iron fisted despot, you know, with the totalitarian regime. He promised a parliament, a two party parliament, religious tolerance, rights for all citizens guaranteed a constitution. This is when the shot constitutional was adopted on June 4th of 1814. This was another, you know, I mean, hell, we always refer to our democracy here in the United States as being a bit of an experiment. So this certainly was that.

[Ben Bullen]

Oh yeah, yeah. And things seem set to reach a somewhat peaceful conclusion until I want some like any old Morton music here. Perfect mess, yeah. Until there's another returning character, a man who is un mess with able because we're a family show. Napoleon rides in. He returns from Elba. And this cuts Louis constitutional experiments short.

[Noel Brown]

No pun intended, because he in fact was of average height. After Marshal Michelangelo nay defected to Napoleon on March 17th of 1815, our king fled to Ghent and he did not have his return of the king, if we're being Lord of the Ringsy about it. Until July 8th after a bit of a famous battle known as Waterloo. Also a really nice sunset depicted in a lovely song by the Kinks.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah. And after this, Louis serves as king until he passes away on September 16, 1824. The honorifics left in his wake are the following. You're gonna see two. Okay. You're gonna see him called Louis eight. Louis the desired or Louis le Desire.

[Noel Brown]

Louis the smoke show, the sexy beast.

[Ben Bullen]

Right, right. They originally went with Louis the bimbo. But the time was there it is. But he has a little bit more heavy metal one that I think we all prefer, which is Louis the 18th, the unavoidable.

[Noel Brown]

Oh, man. He's just really insists on himself, doesn't. He's just there because he just turn around, there he is.

[Ben Bullen]

He wouldn't stop saying he was king until eventually everybody just agreed with him.

[Noel Brown]

You know, that is a way of doing things.

[Ben Bullen]

It's not a cool way of doing.

[Noel Brown]

Things, but no, it's a thing we see a little bit bit around these parts in the United States these days. Just the idea if you repeat something enough times and people just kind of get fatigued and they just sort of roll over.

[Max Williams]

So to jump in here real quick, the article from Saint Neots Museum, which is a museum over in England. I look at the photo that they use of Louis the Unavoidable. It just. It's the epitome. Just go into the article and click into it. I'm just like, tell me when you have it up.

[Ben Bullen]

Got it? Yeah.

[Noel Brown]

Here we go, Here we go, Here we go.

[Ben Bullen]

You talk about the hat. Oh, you're talking. Yeah.

[Max Williams]

He is just like, hi, guys.

[Ben Bullen]

He looks like a were turtle.

[Noel Brown]

Yeah. Oh, my gosh, Ben.

[Ben Bullen]

When the full moon waxes, he transforms in the night into a turtle.

[Noel Brown]

Remember those yard hermits?

[Ben Bullen]

Yes.

[Noel Brown]

Yeah, it's like one of those, I.

[Max Williams]

Mean, not trying to be mean, big.

[Noel Brown]

Yard hermit vibes, but when you, when.

[Max Williams]

You research royals, you can tell when, like, the change happened from, like, painting completely to, like, you know, trying to be more realistic or you get photos. Because, like, a good example of this was in our spiritual prequel to this series, Ridiculous Royal Deaths, Part one, when we talked about the Swedish king who ate himself to death. Every single painting of him. He's just like this super tall, in shape guy.

[Ben Bullen]

Fit. Yeah.

[Max Williams]

And in every writing about him, said that was nothing like him.

[Ben Bullen]

I love that stuff. I love that. That's one of my favorite things about researching royalty and older historical figures. I like to read a lot about them before I ever see a visual depiction. Because that there's an unending opportunity for hilarity there. And shout out to all the artists the portraitures and so on who had to make these royal depictions. We don't blame you. We know that you would have been murdered if you put, you know, if you were a little too accurate in your renditions.

[Noel Brown]

Yeah. I mean, you know, not to be political at all, but like, you remember what happened just recently with Donald Trump, the president of the United States, where he had like, what he believed to be an unflattering portrait removed. Well, you know, I mean, like back in those. These days, that kind of attitude might have led to the artist, to your point, Ben, being, you know, executed summarily.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah, they had to be ready. Which brings us to something we teased for for so long.

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[Noel Brown]

There you go. New Instagram teen accounts. Automatic protections for who can contact your teen and the content they can see.

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[Ben Bullen]

Picture this. You're in the garage, hands covered in grease, just finished tuning up your engine with a part you found on ebay. And you realize, you know what? I could also use new brakes.

[Noel Brown]

So where do you go next? Back to ebay.

[Ben Bullen]

You can find anything there. It's unreal.

[Noel Brown]

Wipers, headlights, even cold air intakes. It's all there.

[Ben Bullen]

And you've got ebay. Guaranteed fit.

[Noel Brown]

You order a part and if it doesn't fit, send it back. Simple as that.

[Ben Bullen]

Look, DIY fixes can be major. Doesn't matter if it's just maintenance or a major mod, you got it.

[Noel Brown]

Especially when things are guaranteed to fit.

[Ben Bullen]

So when you dive into your next car project, start with ebay.

[Noel Brown]

All the parts you need at prices you'll love. Guaranteed to fit every time. Ebay.

[Ben Bullen]

Things people love.

[Noel Brown]

So you're ready to start a business. But the thing is, when it comes to making a website and a logo and things, doing social media marketing and all that good stuff, you and me included, are completely clueless.

[Ben Bullen]

However, we have a solution. Why not let GoDaddy Arrow do that stuff for you? Aero's AI tools help you build a professional looking website or storefront in minutes.

[Noel Brown]

And creating a logo is Just as simple. Enter a few prompts and boom, you get several unique logos to choose from.

[Ben Bullen]

And who doesn't like choices? Arrow even lets you write social ads and it posts them for you automatically with a fully populated social media calendar.

[Noel Brown]

So for a limited time, get GoDaddy arrow all access. It comes with a domain website logo, email, payments, a unified inbox, and more. Everything you need to get online fast.

[Ben Bullen]

Visit GoDaddy.com AeroAllAccess that's a I R O All Access GoDaddy arrow.

[Noel Brown]

It's like you know what you're doing.

[Ben Bullen]

Terms applied. That's GoDaddy.com/all access.

[Noel Brown]

We've talked about Ethelred before. This is very familiar.

[Ben Bullen]

Yes, we mentioned him often. I think we talked with Jack and Miles about him as well. He comes up as a. As a side note, whenever we talk about honorifics in general, just because this poor schmuck has one of the most hilarious and insulting honorifics in history. Ethelred the Unready. We're not saying he's bad. We're not saying he's terrible. We're not saying he's, you know, beat me, Max. We're not saying he's an asshole. We're just saying he's not prepared. Bit of a slouch. Yeah, yeah. To your earlier point, Ethelred is part of the Saxon dynasty that rules rules England from the 9th to the 11th century.

[Noel Brown]

According to the royal family website, Ethelred II, the younger son of Edgar, became king at the age of seven following the murder most foul of his half brother Edward II in 978 at Corfay Castle, Dorset, by Ethelred's retainers. Like what, his posse? What are his retainers?

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah, yeah. Like his entourage, his people, his.

[Noel Brown]

Okay, got it. For the rest of Ethelred's rule, reigned 978 to 1016, his brother became a posthumous rallying point for political unrest. A hostile church transformed Edward into a.

[Ben Bullen]

Royal martyr, which means that now Aethelred is forced to go against the Church. Supporting Aethelred means you may be in opposition to God as the way the public understands it. So it makes it really tough for Ethelred to keep his retainers, to have the allegiance of even the civilian population. And while all this is happening, the Vikings are also trying to take England for themselves.

[Noel Brown]

The wolf at the door. You know, they are coming for the English people's lands and all that they hold dear.

[Ben Bullen]

And Aethelred is a lot of things. He's not ready and he's not a fighter, however, so He.

[Noel Brown]

I'm a lover, not a fighter.

[Ben Bullen]

So he attempts to kind of stem the chaos by making political alliances. In 991. I almost said 1991. And he says, look, Duke, you gotta help me out. And so the Duke of Normandy is able to help fend off Vikings. And then later, Aethelred also does the bribery move. He buys off renewed attacks from the Danes with a tax called the Danegeld, the Dane gold. So imagine like there's some like, imagine if. What's a fun country to invade the U.S. imagine if Jamaica all of a sudden has this amazing army and they're.

[Noel Brown]

I'm here for that. I would love to be taken over by the Jamaicans.

[Ben Bullen]

And they're. And they're invading the US and then the President puts out a tax. So you have to add X percentage to everything you buy. And it's called, you know, like the. The Rasta tax.

[Noel Brown]

Okay. The IRA tax.

[Ben Bullen]

There we go.

[Noel Brown]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. No, either one. We'll workshop it. I love this, this, this fictional scenario, though, Ben. I don't know why. It just. It tickles me.

[Ben Bullen]

Seems pretty cool, right?

[Noel Brown]

But. Yeah, it does.

[Ben Bullen]

It's not cool for Ethel Red bike.

[Noel Brown]

No. Or as Max refers to him as in numerous flippy dips on his nickname. We've got ethyl sauce, Ethyl fart for some reason.

[Ben Bullen]

Ethyl line, and another Ethyl.

[Noel Brown]

Yeah, Just Ethel unready. Yeah. Ethel not ready, I believe is how he puts it.

[Max Williams]

Ethel no ready.

[Noel Brown]

Ethel no ready. I just love how you keep us on our toes, Max. Good job, Good show.

[Ben Bullen]

So look, by 10:12, £48,000 of silver have been paid via this tax to Danes that are camped in London. The whole country is just fubar. It's an absolute message.

[Noel Brown]

Yeah. The country becomes ravaged and Ethelred's efforts to hopefully secure peace through currency. Not a good move. Because then he just realized. The invaders realized that, okay, this is a weak individual here trying to pay us off. We don't need you to pay us. We're just gonna take it. That's our whole thing. You not know about the Vikings, silly.

[Ben Bullen]

You will. Were you not prepared? Anyway, they're not just invading and doing hit and runs at this point, or bnes. They start settling down, putting down roots in towns. And Aethelred launches a massacre of these Danish settlers.

[Noel Brown]

Sorry, I refer to them as the Vikings. I meant the Danes. The Danes can be bloodthirsty too. Who's to say?

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah, blood's for everybody. If you're thirsty enough so by the end of 1013, the Danish king at the time, Sweyn I, had been accepted as the king in England. And Aethelred has to skedaddle off to Normandy.

[Noel Brown]

Ethel fled.

[Ben Bullen]

Ethel fled. That'd be a good one.

[Noel Brown]

Right? So with this, we've got a deposed king hiding out in France on the lam. But it is not the end of Aethelflaed's story. So what happened to Sven? I'm going to go with Sven the first, or his much better name, Sven Forkbeard. Just very Viking sounding. He wasn't long for this world. Sven, or Svend Tvesgaid, which was his native name, had been around for a bit, becoming King of Denmark in 1987. He took control of Norway as well in a thousand, in year 1000, before becoming King of England in 1013. And then he passed away the next year in 1014.

[Ben Bullen]

So now there is a power vacuum. This opens an enormous opportunity for Aethelred. Aethelred's council of advisors invites him to return to the throne after the death of Forkbeard. And they say, we'll let you do this so long as you agree to satisfy our grievances. So you have to kind of pay us off too. Aethelred Spoiler dies. He doesn't last too long after this. He passes away in 1016, but his legacy is secure. The line of Saxon rulers has been restored to the throne. And this is where his son, Edmund II Ironside, much cooler name. Side note, super cool. Yeah, Ironside is not really his father's son in terms of behavior. He's excellent at defending England from Forkbeard's son, who, in a weird way that we won't get into, is also kind of co. King of England. Anyway, unfortunately for Ironside, we're just going to throw that one over there. Unfortunately for Ironside, someone shot him in the ass with a crossbow and he died with a bolt from the crossbow. Sorry, they didn't throw a whole crossbow out of.

[Noel Brown]

Yeah, that would have been like adding insult to injury, huh?

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah.

[Max Williams]

And if you want to learn more, check out the ridiculous Royal death episode where we talk about Edmund Ironside and also the debate of whether it was a crossbow or a dagger. And if they left the dagger in.

[Noel Brown]

Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

[Ben Bullen]

But it was definitely his butt. We do know that part.

[Max Williams]

It appears that someone went into the chamber underneath, crawled through all the poop and shot him.

[Ben Bullen]

Yes. Yeah. Yep. And do check out our episode for.

[Noel Brown]

More on that kind of what happens in game in the song. Of ice and fire.

[Ben Bullen]

Similar to.

[Noel Brown]

What's his name?

[Ben Bullen]

Tywin. Ty.

[Noel Brown]

Tywin Lannister. He gets shot with a crossbow in the privy.

[Ben Bullen]

Yes. Crossbow in the privy.

[Noel Brown]

It's in a clue situation.

[Ben Bullen]

Exactly. So. So let's just talk a little bit about this nickname that we tease so often over the monster. Yeah. All right. So Ethelred the Unready gets a lot of guff from us here at Ridiculous History because of what the word unready means in 2025. Back when he got the name, it didn't mean exactly the same thing. Unread meant no counsel or that he was stupid.

[Noel Brown]

Okay. So even worse, frankly, than being unprepared. Really going after his intelligence there.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah. So maybe on a more optimistic or empathetic note, maybe Ethel read the unready meant more that he didn't have a lot of people on his side. You know what I mean?

[Noel Brown]

It seems so.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah. But it could also just meant that he was dumb as a bag of doorknobs.

[Noel Brown]

And actually, if you go a little deeper, the nickname may well have been a kind of cruel twist on the meaning of his actual name, Ethelred, which translates to noble counsel. Ah.

[Ben Bullen]

Noble counsel. No. Council. Yes.

[Noel Brown]

Swiper. No. Swiping.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah. It's good wordplay both ways. We are going to pause. We're gonna go have some adventures here in our fine metropolis of Atlanta, Georgia.

[Noel Brown]

Coffee.

[Ben Bullen]

Yes.

[Noel Brown]

Is it coffee time?

[Ben Bullen]

Coffee time indeed, Ed. We'll be back later this week to figure out why the US doesn't really mess with the metric system.

[Noel Brown]

Yeah. If I'm not mistaken. Too. We also have some fun little bits that we're leaving out that we're gonna add to our upcoming Bits and Bobs kind of compilation episode with stuff that we didn't get to from various topics. We've got a pretty cool doc that Max has been assembling of some. Some of these little odds and ends. So I'm really looking forward to doing that.

[Ben Bullen]

Yeah. Big, big thanks to our super producer, Mr. Max Williams. Big thanks to our research associate for this episode, Max Williams.

[Noel Brown]

Indeed. Huge thanks to Christopher Haciotes and Eve's Jeff Coates, both here in spirit. The rude dudes over at Ridiculous Crime, and Alex Williams, who composed this biggity bangin bop. Mm.

[Ben Bullen]

AJ Bahamas Jacobs, Jonathan Strickland, AKA the. The Quister. Word on the street is that he may return to the show again. Just like Napoleon coming back from Elba.

[Noel Brown]

I refuse to believe it. Okay, I believe it. It's true. We'll see you next time, folks. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

[Ben Bullen]

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