A Very Ruthless Festivus - Ruthless Podcast

Transcript

Josh Holmes (0:00)

He airs his first grievance and everybody's like, your grievance sucks. Yeah, right.

Michael Duncan (0:05)

I brought some A material. Did you? For all. Yeah. I put a lot of thought of it because it's very good. This episode is going to be tremendous.

John Ashbrook (0:13)

The ultimate feat of strength was a demonstration that this president and every single person involved in this operation executed flawlessly that the entire world saw and they knew that America was back.

Michael Duncan (0:29)

For my political grievance, it would be Democrats who think they're Zoomers on TikTok.

Josh Holmes (0:39)

I've worked at Coca Cola for 21 years.

Duncan (0:41)

We're delivering Dr. Pepper from our brand.

John Ashbrook (0:43)

New facility in Dallas, Texas.

Michael Duncan (0:45)

We're really proud to still make Pepsi products in America. You don't need a college degree to work here, but I put four kids.

Josh Holmes (0:50)

Through college by working here.

Duncan (0:52)

This is a great place to work with great people and great American brands.

Michael Duncan (0:56)

Grocery stores, convenience stores, restaurants, they all depend on us. We deliver great paying jobs.

Duncan (1:02)

We deliver beverages people love.

Michael Duncan (1:04)

We deliver for our community.

Announcer (1:10)

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please.

Michael Duncan (1:15)

Keep the faith, hold the line and own the lids.

John Ashbrook (1:18)

It's time for our main event.

Josh Holmes (1:24)

Merry Christmas, everybody. Welcome back to the Ruthless Variety Program. I'm Josh Holmes along with comfortably smug Michael Duncan and John Ashbrook. Left or right across your radio dial. I think we're gonna do a little something different here. Festivus.

Summary

Ruthless Podcast – A Very Ruthless Festivus

Episode Date: December 23, 2025
Hosts: Josh Holmes, Comfortably Smug, Michael Duncan, John Ashbrook

Episode Overview

In a playful nod to the iconic "Festivus" episode of Seinfeld, the Ruthless crew rings in the holiday season with a very "Ruthless Festivus." The episode is structured around Seinfeld’s Festivus traditions: airing of grievances and feats of strength—but with a distinctly Ruthless twist. The guys take sharp, irreverent aim at the year’s political and cultural phenomena, skewering sacred cows, each other, and everything in between. Expect high-energy banter, pointed humor, and surprising moments of agreement (and disagreement).

Airing of Grievances

(Starts approx. 04:45)

John Ashbrook’s Grievances

Gripe #1: NFL Ditching Measurement Chains for Digital Technology
- Ashbrook laments the NFL’s move from the traditional measurement chains to a digital tennis-style approach for first downs. He defends the ritual of running out the chains as precise and a core part of football’s tradition.
- Memorable Quote:
  
  “Chains are run out to measure the first down. Now… every college in this country, everybody who's ever played a down of football since the game was invented understands that chains are run out to measure the first down.” – John Ashbrook (05:06)
- Panel Reaction: Merciless mockery. Duncan calls it “a bad grievance” and accuses Ashbrook of being stuck in the past.
- Holmes: “He airs his first grievance and everybody's like, your grievance sucks.” (07:05)
Gripe #2: Not Deporting Terrorists Fast Enough
- Praises the current administration for closing the border and ramping up deportations but worries about the speed of removing “the most dangerous” illegal immigrants, especially those from non-Central American countries.
- Quote:
  
  “My concern is that they're not deporting the terrorists fast enough. … Now, I believe that they're also deporting the terrorists back to their countries… But what I'm concerned about is they're not doing that fast enough.” – John Ashbrook (09:00)
- Panel agrees this is a weighty and valid concern, with a substantive discussion on prioritizing deportations.
Consensus: First grievance is panned, second is well-received—a “split decision.”

Michael Duncan’s Grievances

Gripe #1: The Rise of Oversized, Instagram-Friendly Burgers and "Millennial Restaurants"
- Critiques the trend of impossibly tall and messy gourmet burgers designed for social media, lamenting the death of practicality and culinary authenticity.
- Quote:
  
  “Why the fuck do we make burgers this tall? … It speaks to a larger problem in our society… food influencers, always like, here's a burger… ten patties tall, it’s all dipped in queso cheese. Yeah. It makes no sense.” – Duncan (14:52)
- Takedown of faux-rustic, overpriced burger spots with aluminum chairs and hipster décor.
- Panel: Lively agreement; Holmes: “It’s impractical and ridiculous.”
Gripe #2 (Interlude): Nachos are a scam.
- Duncan (and Holmes) argue nachos are a restaurant trick—leftovers thrown on chips, with only a few crisp “good” chips on the edges.
- Quote:
  
  “Nachos are the biggest lie of any restaurant. Never get nachos. … It is a complete ruse. You’ve been had.” – Duncan (20:13)
- Ashbrook and Duncan go at it, with Smug defending nachos: “Nachos are great.”
Gripe #3 (Political): Annoying, Manipulative Candidate Disclaimers in Political Ads
- Rants about candidates weaving their mandatory “I approve this message” line into the core substance of the ad, making it longer and more annoying.
- Quote:
  
  “Shut the fuck up. … You just can’t do the thing you’re required by law to do. Instead, you gotta waste more of my time with some shit that’s bullshit.” – Duncan (24:01)
- Panel sympathizes, noting it’s an annoying but widespread tactic.

Michael Duncan’s (Smug) Grievances

Gripe #1: People Not Muting Their Phones in Public
- Decries the death of courtesy as people play loud videos or use speakerphone in public spaces.
- Quote:
  
  “If your phone is not muted, what are you doing?” – Michael Duncan (27:21) “It really feels like Covid was, like, the turning point where it just broke society to where everyone’s just like, I owe nothing to society.” (29:18)
- Holmes suggests “extraordinary rendition” for offenders; jokes about waterboarding speakerphone users.
Gripe #2 (Political): Democrats on TikTok Pretending to be Zoomers
- Skewers elderly or out-of-touch Democrats aping Gen-Z slang and style on TikTok, calling it “mad sus.”
- Quote:
  
  “That was a 300-year-old woman trying to act like she’s a young person on TikTok. And it’s horrible. … They think it works and it’s cause all their staffers are idiots.” – Michael Duncan (31:19)
- Angry about staffers pushing totally inauthentic tactics that don’t win elections and make political discourse cringe-worthy.

Josh Holmes’ Grievances

Gripe #1 (Cultural): Tourists and Foreigners Walking on the Wrong Side of the Sidewalk
- Holmes vents about foreign tourists (especially in D.C.) who block pedestrian flow by walking on the left, violating the unwritten American rule—keep right.
- Quote:
  
  “If you walk out... you’re going to encounter at least 10 people... walking on the left side, not the right side. … If you’re gonna come here, we walk on the right, we drive on the right. Stay on the fucking right.” – Josh Holmes (36:43)
- Panel riffs on “American courtesy” and language barriers.
Gripe #2 (Political): Conservatives Who Complain Congress Isn’t "In Session"
- Rants it's un-conservative to demand Congress work more—it just results in more bad laws. Critiques fellow conservatives for not understanding the role of government branches and the Constitution.
- Quote:
  
  “If you are a conservative… you have absolutely no business complaining about Congress not being in session. It is the most insane argument to me of all time…” – Holmes (38:16)
- Smug wants Congress 24/7 “locking up Democrats.” Holmes rebuts—“That’s not what Congress does.” Sparring ensues on basic civics (40:16-42:24).

Feats of Strength

(Starts approx. 45:04)

John Ashbrook: Operation Midnight Hammer (Trump’s Attack on Iranian Nuclear Sites)

Celebrates the bold and flawless military operation, declaring it restored American global strength.
Quote:

“The entire world saw and they knew America was back.” – Ashbrook (47:39)
Panel: Praises Trump and the military, mocks Obama-era policies as “weak.”

Michael Duncan: The "Courage" of Vikings Cheer Squad’s Male Members

Plays clip showing male Minnesota Vikings cheerleaders, deadpans about their “courage.”
Crowd erupts in mock outrage; Holmes and Ashbrook roast Duncan for lampooning his own state/team.
Quote:

“These men had performance.” – Duncan (52:03, sarcastic deadpan)

Comfortably Smug: The Border Is Closed – Trump’s Strength Chart

Presents a chart showing illegal crossings dropped to zero when Trump returned to office, mocking those who overthink legislative/constitutional barriers.
Quote:

“That chart shows you that there is no Constitution act or anything you have to worry about. You just need to elect a president who means business like we did. That’s Donald J. Trump in action.” – Smug (55:32)
Holmes: “Your argument more broadly… stop talking. You’ve done enough.” (56:02)

Josh Holmes: The Chinese Zookeeper vs. The Bear

Plays viral video of a Chinese zoo worker fearlessly going back to restrain a bear that had mauled him moments earlier.
Quote:

“He stands up, he's being mauled. He’s bloody. He’s bloody…back in. He tries to scruff of the neck a bear, like he’s dealing with a golden retriever.” – Holmes (58:40)
Panel: In awe of the zookeeper’s toughness; debate whether it’s a sun bear or something else. “Huge kudos to that Chinese zookeeper.” (62:08)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“He airs his first grievance and everybody's like, your grievance sucks.”
- Josh Holmes (07:05)
“Nachos are the biggest lie of any restaurant. Never get nachos. … It is a complete ruse. You’ve been had.”
- Duncan (20:13)
“Shut the fuck up. … You just can’t do the thing you’re required by law to do. Instead, you gotta waste more of my time with some shit that’s bullshit.”
- Duncan, on candidate disclaimers (24:01)
“[On speakerphone users] A hood should be put over their head, and they should be removed.”
- Duncan (30:11)
“[On TikTok Dems] That was a 300 year old woman trying to act like she’s a young person… and it’s horrible. And they’re all doing it.”
- Michael Duncan (31:19)
“If you’re gonna come here, we walk on the right, we drive on the right. Stay on the fucking right.”
- Josh Holmes (36:43)
“[On not complaining about Congress being out] The more time you leave these people around, the more dumb shit that they’re going to do. And it’s gonna land on your doorstep.”
- Holmes (44:17)
“Operation Midnight Hammer. The hardest name you could have come up with for that operation.”
- Ashbrook (47:24)
“Who brings a parrot to a bear fight? First off, what's the thinking there?”
- Michael Duncan (58:47)

Highlight Timestamps

Festivus Intro & Rules: 01:24–04:45
Airing of Grievances Sequence: 04:45–44:40
Feats of Strength Sequence: 45:04–63:09
Zookeeper vs. Bear Clip: 58:14–62:10
Episode Wrap & Sign-off: 63:09–End

Tone

Irreverent, sharp-witted, and combative in a “family squabble” way.
Humor is a core throughline, balancing real political discussion with relentless ribbing and inside jokes.
Strong opinions fly, but always in the context of lively banter rather than mean-spirited argument.

For Listeners

This episode is a whirlwind of inside jokes, trenchant social commentary, and festive rivalry—perfectly suited for fans who enjoy conservative humor that’s willing to poke fun at everything and everyone (including themselves). If you want pure policy analysis, this isn’t it, but for a rollicking holiday roast of the year’s news, the Ruthless Festivus episode is as classic as the pole itself.