After Action Report #20

Summary

Savage Lovecast: After Action Report #20 (March 13, 2026)
Hosted by Dan Savage
Guest: Trina

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Episode Overview

In this episode of "After Action Report," Dan Savage welcomes Trina, a listener from the Boston area, to share her story about trying something new in her sex life: being peed on for the first time. The conversation delves into motivations for sexual experimentation, lessons in communication and consent, and the value of trying new things—even when they don’t turn out as hoped.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Guest Introduction & Context ([01:15]–[01:36])

• Trina is a cishet woman in her mid-40s, living in the Boston area, who has recently started exploring new sexual experiences after decades of more conventional activity.
• She highlights a common narrative: women often become more sexually experimental in their 30s and 40s.

2. Discussing Motivations for Sexual Exploration

([01:36]–[02:43])

• Dan notes the pattern: “Men…know what their kinks are” earlier, while “women tend to come into their kinks and get sexually adventurous” later.
• Trina’s take: It’s about growing “the self confidence and the getting rid of giving a shit… I knew what I wanted. I just didn’t have the, you know, the ovaries to ask for it.” ([02:21]—Trina)

3. Trina’s Kinks and the Lead-Up to Pee Play

([03:13]–[06:14])

• Trina identifies as a submissive and seeks partners for impact play, domination, and similar dynamics.
• She describes her approach to dating and sexual negotiation, crediting Dan's advice to meet early for better communication.
• Her play partner had excellent communication, and their initial two sessions featured light bondage and impact play (e.g., open-handed spanking, paddling, mild strapping).
  • “He didn’t pull anything out that hadn’t been okayed ahead of time.” ([05:12]—Trina)
• Dan emphasizes the need to clarify "impact play" as it covers a broad spectrum.

4. Consent and Negotiation of New Kinks

([06:27]–[08:48])

• For their third session, her partner expressed interest in peeing on her; while not initially her kink, Trina agreed out of curiosity and a desire to please him as a submissive.
• She establishes only one boundary: “not in the bed…somewhere easy cleaning” ([07:02]—Trina).

5. The Experience of Piss Play

([08:48]–[11:08])

• The session started in the bedroom, then shifted to the bathroom/shower for the act.
• Trina describes struggling to stay in a submissive mindset due to the pause and shift in activities.
• Her partner also wanted her to pee for him, which they hadn’t explicitly discussed, but she attempted nonetheless.
• “I tried and it just wouldn’t happen… my body just wouldn’t.” ([09:28]—Trina)
• When her partner urinated on her, Trina was overwhelmed by the smell, describing it as the main reason she didn’t enjoy the act: “It was just like a really strong pee smell, and it’s like hitting my torso. And that’s close enough to your nose.” ([09:56]—Trina)
• Dan reacts: “Amateurs. The mistake that was made here is…what’s going to come out is way more concentrated. And the more concentrated it is, the more it smells like stinky pee.” ([10:12]—Dan)
• “I got stinky pee, you got the Mountain Dew.” ([11:08]—Dan, humorously referencing the vivid color and smell)

6. Reflection, Communication, and Aftercare

([11:08]–[14:35])

• Trina clarifies she wasn’t traumatized but didn’t enjoy the experience. Safe-wording wasn’t needed as it wasn’t a “stop everything” situation.
• Afterward, her partner checked in with her: “He was good about checking in afterwards, about what did you like and what didn’t you like? …And I used my words and said did not like that part.” ([11:48]—Trina)
• Dan underscores the positive: “He was checking in and thoughtful and conscientious and a good solicitous dom, you felt safe continuing to play with him that night and continuing to play with him at other times.” ([14:13]—Dan)
• They continued their sexual relationship with satisfactory encounters.

7. Lessons Learned and Advice

([12:26]–[13:58])

• Hydration is key: “Ask your partner to be very hydrated ahead of time. Because I really think it would have been okay. I wouldn’t have been into it, but …if it wasn’t for the smell.” ([12:39]—Trina)
• Dan expands: Strong, unpleasant, or unexpected smells can create a negative lasting sense memory and ruin the act for future attempts.
• Even with the ideal setup, Trina is unlikely to try piss play again due to the strong association with the smell.

8. The Value of Sharing "Negative" Experiences

([14:44]–End)

• Dan appreciates stories where things don’t go perfectly: “I also think it’s really important that we hear from people who tried things that didn’t work for them…there’s so many good lessons and takeaways and best practices that can be embedded in a negative experience.” ([14:44]—Dan)
• Trina’s overall take: “Negative experience with the piss play, but positive experience with the piss top.” ([14:36]—Trina)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On confidence and kink exploration:
  “I knew what I wanted. I just didn’t have the, you know, the ovaries to ask for it.” ([02:21]—Trina)

• On the importance of communication:
  “He didn’t pull anything out that hadn’t been okayed ahead of time.” ([05:12]—Trina)

• On the sensory downside of piss play:
  “It was just like a really strong pee smell, and it’s like hitting my torso. And that’s close enough to your nose.” ([09:56]—Trina)

• Dan’s practical pee play advice:
  “The mistake that was made here is…what’s going to come out is way more concentrated. And the more concentrated it is, the more it smells like stinky pee.” ([10:12]—Dan)

• Trina’s concluding lesson:
  “Negative experience with the piss play, but positive experience with the piss top.” ([14:36]—Trina)

• On sharing imperfect experiences:
  “I also think it’s really important that we hear from people who tried things that didn’t work for them…so many good lessons and takeaways.” ([14:44]—Dan)

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Key Timestamps

• Guest Introduction: [01:15]
• Motivation & Confidence Insights: [02:21]
• Negotiation and Communication: [04:20]–[05:43]
• Impact Play Definition: [05:12]
• Kink Proposal and Boundaries: [06:27]–[07:13]
• Describing the Event Itself: [08:48]–[11:08]
• Communication Afterward / Advice: [11:48]–[12:39]
• Best Practices & Lasting Lessons: [13:00]–[14:44]
• Final Reflections: [14:36]–[15:10]

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Takeaways

• Confidence and self-assurance play key roles in exploring new sexual territory, especially for women with traditional socialization.
• Strong, open communication and negotiation make even less-than-enjoyable experiences safe, contained, and ultimately positive overall.
• When exploring anything new (especially bodily fluids): hydrate, negotiate beforehand, and have an exit or clean-up plan.
• It’s not a failure to dislike a new kink—the most positive stories often come from honest reflection about what didn’t work and why.

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End of summary.

If you want to be featured in a future "After Action Report," share your own story (good, bad, or mid) with Dan via email!

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

You're listening to After Action Report at Savage Love.

[A]

Welcome to After Action Report, where you tell me and all of my other listeners about something you tried for the very first time this week. We're going to talk with Trina, who has a cautionary tale to share. Joining me for this After Action Report. Trina. Trina, welcome to the show.

[B]

Thanks. It's interesting to be here.

[A]

It's interesting to have you. So before we get to what it is you did and how it went, whether you liked it, you're going to do it again. Tell us just a little bit about yourself.

[B]

All right, so I am a mid-40s Cishet female living in the upper northeast Boston area. Yeah. Who tried something new.

[A]

And what was that thing? That new thing?

[B]

So I got peed on for the first time.

[A]

Congratulations. Like a baptism. Your idea? Their idea. Whose idea was it?

[B]

Sort of their idea. So backstory is that, you know, in my 40s, I'm the cliche of the woman who has done one thing her whole life and then is exploring new things.

[A]

I say this all the time. Men, males come into their kinks and like, they wanna do crazy shit when they're teenagers. They know what their kinks are. Women tend to come into their kinks and get sexually adventurous in their 30s and 40s and middle age. And I think it has something to do with sexual peak. I really do. What would your theory be is why now? Why now at this stage in your life are you trying new things?

[B]

I would tweak your theory by one thing in that I've always known what my kinks were, but I didn't have the courage to act on them until I was in my 40s. So I think it was more the self confidence and the getting rid of giving a shit than the like, I don't know what I Want. I knew what I wanted. I just didn't have the, you know, the ovaries to ask for it.

[A]

I think that's a fair criticism. And you were probably constrained by the way. Women aren't socialized to feel as entitled to the things that they turn them on that turn them on. Women are socialized at their sexuality is there to meet men's needs, not their own needs. And maybe it just takes women longer to dig their agency out from under the bullshit that's heaped up on them and take them longer to get there. But you say you know what your kinks are. Was this not your kink? Was this not something that you were thinking about your whole life? No.

[B]

So I've always known that I'm a submissive, and that's what I'm exploring lately. But. But the whole PE never came into it one way or the other.

[A]

Okay, so I'm gonna go on a limb here. You met a guy?

[B]

Yeah. So I was out there on the apps as one is looking for new experiences, and I had met a guy that I had played with twice before this, and communication was great. I always take your advice on meat early on because, dang, I've been burned on that. Some guys, I think, just get off on exchanging explicit messages ahead of time and then disappear into the ether. And so I've learned the hard way, don't do that. Like, put out there what you're interested in and then meet. Find out that they're a real human being, and then you can get into the details. So good communication on. On what I was interested in, what he was interested in. I wanted to explore more of the submissive side of things. Impact, play, domination, etc. And, you know, we had two pretty good, pretty fun, mutually satisfying play sessions. And so this was our third.

[A]

Before we hear about the third, I want to hear about, like, what worked in those two play sessions. What did you do with him? That, I guess when he tossed this out there, because this was his idea, you were game. You were willing to go there with him because in the first two sessions, you had done what? And it had worked.

[B]

Yeah. So in the first two sessions, he was really great about exploring ahead of time over text. Like, things to explore. It was never scripted out. This is what exactly is going to happen, but general areas as far as, like. Like, this is what I'm into. This is what I'm interested in. I've done this before and liked it. So specifically, you know, stuff that happened was, like, following orders. Definitely a lot of impact. Play some light to moderate bondage. Nothing too crazy, but he'd been really good about just the communication level of. He didn't. He didn't pull anything out that hadn't been okayed ahead of time.

[A]

I always want when people say impact play to make them really define it, because impact play is a spectrum. Like everything else that could run from being slapped on the butt to being hit by a car. So when you say impact play, what do you mean?

[B]

Yeah, definitely not hit by a car. That sounds terrible. So, like open handed spanking type stuff. There was a paddle involved, kind of like a mild strap at one point. So fun, but painful enough that I wasn't necessarily like, it wasn't like, oh, yay, that feels great. But I like the submission aspect of it.

[A]

Yeah, I get that. Like, there are some things in the moment where you're like, this hurts, but it's hot that I'm sucking this up and enduring it. And when I get to the other side of having endured this for you, that's even hot. It's like the anticipation is hot. The moment can be like, ah, painful. What did I get myself into? And then coming out of it is like, you're kind of proud of yourself. And.

[B]

And God, those endorphins.

[A]

Yeah, me too.

[B]

Those endorphins kick in.

[A]

I was gonna say two play sessions, some impact play. He didn't hit you with a car. He didn't run you over with a Volkswagen. A strap, a paddle, some open hand. And so play session number three comes up and he says, yeah, so in

[B]

texting ahead of time and talking about things, he said that one of his kinks was pissing on his partners. And. And you actually kind of explored this in a recent show about how some subs are totally cool with things being done just for their benefit, but some of our brains need the Dom to actually be into what they're doing. And so since he expressed that it was something he was interested in, I was sort of neutral. It's never been something that's like, attracted me. But you know, I like, like the. I like mild degradation. Mild. Like definitely feeling like a submissive. And so I was like, yeah, I'm game, let's try it. My only stipulation, not in the bed, because that sounds terrible to clean up. So like somewhere easy cleaning. And then, yeah, let's give it a go.

[A]

And not at dinner, not in the restaurant.

[B]

Hopefully not. That would be. That would be unique.

[A]

Okay, so let's like, let's unpack this just a little bit. That that's something. And you did something that I encourage people to do. He threw something out there. It wasn't something that you had ever wanted to do, but you weren't repulsed by the idea and you were kind of into doing for him this thing that he wanted to do. I get in trouble sometimes when I tell people that, especially women that sometimes you do things in bed that weren't your idea. If all anybody ever does in bed is the two people do the things that they both wanted to do, that can lead to a kind of boring and very limited sexual repertoire for a couple. I don't think anybody should do anything that traumatizes them or that triggers them or that repulses them or makes them sick to think about. But sometimes people are like, well, I have a foot fetish. And the other person's like, nothing about having my feet touched has ever turned me on. It's like, how is that a limit? The other person is so turned on by feet. And who doesn't like a foot massage? Shut up and let him come on your feet or whatever. Do this thing that wasn't your idea. It's not the same thing as do the thing that you do not want to do. Because sometimes people conflate those things. Not my idea and not what I want to do. Those are two different things. They're not something I can do. Okay, so he wants to pee on you. You're open to the idea because it turns him on. And being submissive, serving him his desires, that kind of works for you. But in the moment, getting peed on, give it set the scene. Where did it happen? How did it happen? How did it feel?

[B]

So we'd actually started with stuff that we'd done before and we were in a decent kind of mind meld situation of the power exchange was going on. Things were in the bedroom and reasonably hot. No PIV at that point, but just kind of getting into, getting into the mood. So I was naked, he was naked. He just sort of led me to the bathroom. And the first thing, unfortunately, was that sort of just put a pause in the activities long enough for my brain to start kicking in. And I'm one of those people that really just likes to check out when they're playing and, and do what they're told and shut up. And so the more my brain kind of spins up, the more, the less I'm going to enjoy things. So one brain started to spin up and then two, we. We got in the shower together and he wanted me to pee for him. And I Tried. We hadn't talked about that, but I wasn't like, whatever. We talked about pee being involved, so whichever. And my body just wouldn't. Like, I tried and it just wouldn't happen. So then he just sort of, like, put me down on my knees and peed on me. And I knew it was coming. And it wasn't like, I'm not traumatized. I didn't enjoy it. And one of the biggest reasons I didn't enjoy it was the smell. And it wasn't like an asparagus pee smell, but it was just like a really strong pee smell, and it's like hitting my torso. And that's close enough to your nose. Yeah, I see your face. That's exactly how I feel.

[A]

This face isn't not. This is not. I'm disgusted by pee. This is like, oh, amateurs. The mistake that was made here is like, you know, after a couple of pitchers of beer, pee is just so much hot water. But if you've been running and you're not fully hydrated and you had dinner or wine or something, like, what's going to come out of you is way more concentrated. And the more concentrated it is, the more it smells like stinky pee.

[B]

Yeah. So it smelled like stinky pee and it was kind of sticky.

[A]

I've been there in the tub and, like, I know the difference between the guy who had a couple of pitchers of beer and the guy who had asparagus for dinner and went for a run. And. Yeah. So you got not the pee I would recommend for a first timer or a 50th timer. You got the dark stuff, I got stinky pee, you got the Mountain Dew.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. So, I mean, I didn't use my words in the moment because, like I said, I wasn't traumatized. And I had a safe word that I could have pulled out. But that's not a safe wording situation. Like, I'm not enjoying. This is not. This needs to stop right now.

[A]

So, you know, midstream. I hope his kegel, he's kept up with his kegels. You gotta pinch this off. Safe word, safe word, safe word. Kegel should have been the safe word.

[B]

Yeah. So eventually I kind of got cleaned up and we pivoted back to the bedroom and other things. And so we had an enjoyable rest of the session, but definitely not on the list of things that I'm likely to be interested in trying again.

[A]

So has he asked to try it again?

[B]

No, no. But so, again, communication wise, he was good about checking in afterwards, about what did you like and what didn't you like? And then I used my words said did not like that part. And no, he has not asked to try it again. And we have played two or three times since then.

[A]

So he knew you were given something to try for him. Hopefully he's grateful and appreciative. Even if it didn't ender the. The regular rotation. It's not on the menu going forward, but hopefully he's appreciative for the effort.

[B]

But I'm sure he is. I guess we haven't really explored that one way or the other, but, you know, whatever. I got to have a lot of fun after that, so I'm fine.

[A]

Any advice for anybody out there who want. I mean, people who want to do it are going to do it. They don't need advice or help. Any advice out there for people who've been asked who it wasn't their thing and they're just like, maybe, okay, you

[B]

kind of took my one advice already, which was the ask your partner to be very hydrated ahead of time. Because I really think it would have been okay. I wouldn't have been into it, but it might have been one of those things that I would have been okay repeating at some point if it wasn't for the smell. But I think if I try again in the future, the smell is going to be there.

[A]

That strong smell that the association, the sense memory of a strong and unpleasant smell, especially an unexpected strong and unpleasant smell with the introduction of a new sex act can really ruin that sex act for you forever. Exactly. Your brain kind of imprints on and associates the act with that unpleasant stench. So even if somebody did the right thing and they had, like me on the line as their I'm gonna pee on somebody for the first time, coach saying, two pitchers, not a pitcher and a half, not three quarters of a pitcher, two pictures, then after an hour, then you can do this. It wouldn't work for you because the minute it was going to happen, your sense memory would call up this unpleasant memory. I don't know what to call it. Sense memory. Your sense memory would call up how unpleasant this was and it would be ruined for you in advance because maybe he snuck an asparagus sandwich for lunch, didn't tell you about it.

[B]

Yeah, man. Other than that, though, I mean, he did everything right as far as communication. Right. This wasn't something that just happened spur of the moment. It had been consented to ahead of time. He checked in afterwards, like, gold star as far as dude, communication goes, which

[A]

is why you felt safe even though you did something in a kink context in a DS scene with somebody that you were subbing for, you did something for him, didn't work for you, unpleasant for you, you didn't like, but because he was checking in and thoughtful and conscientious and a good solicitous dom, you felt safe continuing to play with him that night and continuing to play with him at other times.

[B]

Good summary.

[A]

Yes, exactly. So negative experience with the piss play, but positive experience with the piss top.

[B]

Yeah, that's a great way to sum it up, Trina.

[A]

Thank you so much. I love the positive stories, but I also think it's really important that we hear from people who tried things that didn't work for them because there's so many good lessons and takeaways and best practices that can be embedded in a negative experience, including the best practices that he showed that he demonstrated as a conscientious dom in that moment.

[B]

Well, thanks, Dan. I love having people share their stories and so happy to be here.

[A]

Thank you, Trina. Thank you, Trina. We really appreciate you opening up to all of us about this mildly unpleasant experience. All right, if you have a story to tell, if you tried something new and it was good or it was bad or it was great or mid or meh or disastrous, write us about it. Send that email to Qavage Love and you may be my next guest here on After Action Report. And we we will have another one, another AAR ready for you next week after Action Report.