Science Vs // Proxy Crossover: “Brian Can’t Stop Fact-Checking His Mother-in-Law”

Date: February 19, 2026
Featured Hosts: Yowei Shaw (Proxy), Rose Rimler (Science Vs)
Main Guests: Brian Reed (journalist, caregiver), Dr. Claudia Dressel (psychologist & Acceptance and Commitment Therapy expert)

Episode Overview

This special crossover episode from Science Vs shares an installment of the “Proxy” podcast, hosted by Yowei Shaw. The featured story follows journalist Brian Reed (best known for “S-Town” and “The Trojan Horse Affair”) as he confronts a deeply personal and challenging dilemma: he can’t stop fact-checking his mother-in-law, who is living with Alzheimer’s and experiencing significant memory loss. The episode explores Brian’s struggle, the emotional burden of dementia caregiving, and practical/psychological coping strategies, culminating in a conversation between Brian and psychologist Dr. Claudia Dressel, who specializes in supporting caregivers of people with neurocognitive disorders.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introducing the Emotional Conundrum ([03:00]–[08:00])

• Brian’s Dilemma:
  Brian Reed opens up about the difficulty of interacting kindly and effectively with his mother-in-law, whose dementia is progressing. He finds himself compulsively fact-checking or correcting her during daily interactions, despite knowing it’s futile and sometimes hurtful.

• Example Scenarios:

  • She claims not to have seen Brian, though they did earlier that day.
  • Insists scaffolding on a building has ‘always been there’ when it hasn’t.
  • Repeatedly asks the same questions (e.g., when her daughter will be home), sometimes 15 times in a row.

Quote:

“I find myself wanting to correct her or fact check her when she says something that isn’t factual or aligned with the reality that I’m experiencing.”
— Brian Reed [06:11]

• Emotional Toll:
  Brian feels guilty and frustrated, recognizing that his impulse to correct is part of his journalistic wiring but is poisoning precious remaining time.

Quote:

"I don't want my mother-in-law to have this. It's like me swatting the disease away, but it ends up being directed at her rather than the kind of radical acceptance you need to have with a diagnosis like this."
— Brian Reed [14:28]

2. Caregiving Realities and Brian’s Grief ([08:00]–[14:00])

• All-consuming Caregiving:
  The episode provides a detailed snapshot of Brian’s day, showing the unrelenting stress and emotion: shuttling between swim lessons, navigating repeated questions, and managing his young daughter’s meltdowns—all while feeling unseen and unsupported.

• Loss and Grief:
  Brian describes his mother-in-law as a “badass” and laments the loss of her faculties, calling out the deeper trigger of his emotional reactions as grief over who she was and is becoming.

3. Setting Up the Proxy ([14:58]–[17:24])

• Recognizing Limitations:
  Despite therapy and support groups, Brian feels stuck, unable to overcome his frustration or better manage his emotional responses.

• Turning to Proxy:
  Yowei promises to find a “proxy” (someone with equivalent experience and expertise) to help Brian gain new perspective and strategies.

4. Introducing Dr. Claudia Dressel & Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) ([18:38]–[21:46])

• Claudia’s Background:
  Associate Professor at Eastern Michigan University, Claudia shares how her early experiences working with overlooked seniors, including a “nonverbal” Alzheimer’s patient, inspired her to devote her career to supporting caregivers.

• Core Approach:
  Claudia’s therapeutic work focuses on improving communication and relationships within caregiving families, aiming for not just less problematic behavior but genuinely better shared experiences.

Quote:

“What I hope for is that when people live together that they can really make their life work together.”
— Dr. Claudia Dressel [21:20]

5. Confronting the Emotional Realities ([21:46]–[28:54])

• Invalidation & Isolation:
  Brian shares how much of the caregiving advice he encounters feels “emotionally dishonest” or dismissive of the real toll ("It’s not a problem, just let them check the door 40 times a night"), fueling his sense of isolation.

Quote:

“It feels emotionally dishonest for what this experience is actually like.”
— Brian Reed [24:57]

• A Common Caregiver Struggle:
  Claudia validates Brian’s anger, asserting that many caregivers (especially men, less often socially permitted for women) feel similarly—but the topic is steeped in silence, shame, and unrealistic standards.

• Societal Denial:
  Claudia raises the point that society largely ignores the inevitability of cognitive decline, leaving families unprepared and then blaming them for “not coping.”

6. Therapeutic Tools & Caregiver Mapping ([30:09]–[35:44])

• The Impact on Families:
  Caregiver distress not only affects their health but exacerbates the symptoms and outcomes for the person with dementia.

• Claudia’s Process:

  • In-depth, detective-like assessment of the whole family’s context, mapping out immutable factors (diamonds), modifiable issues (circles), and resulting effects (squares).
  • Aims to pinpoint what’s truly changeable, where the pressure points are, and how to minimize suffering.

Quote:

"Making a family map... shows all the invisible forces shaping the situation."
— Yowei Shah [31:58]

• Caregiver Burnout Research:
  Results using Claudia’s ACT-based methods show promise in reducing burnout and depression among dementia caregivers.

7. Acceptance and Commitment: Practical Application ([35:44]–[43:21])

• Step 1: Emotional Acceptance
  Acknowledge feelings such as anger, frustration, or feeling “this is unfair” rather than denying or fighting them.

Quote:

“That kind of acknowledgment... might create some space and some relief. The more we argue with the feeling, the harder it is going to be to do what is effective.”
— Dr. Claudia Dressel [36:45]

• Step 2: Committing to What Matters
  Identify core values (e.g., making the most of remaining time, protecting your child’s well-being) and weigh which caregiving tasks are realistically sustainable.

  Claudia gives an example about refusing to take cupboard doors off for accessible coffee cups—sometimes rooted in feeling “this isn’t fair”—and how acceptance makes way for practical adaptation.

• Allowing for Creative Solutions:
  Not every family member has to do every task. Claudia normalizes using outside help or redefining your caregiving role.

Quote:

“There’s a multitude of ways that you can actually show caring for somebody. And the question is, what is actually right for you? What is it that you would like to do and what is it that matters to you?”
— Dr. Claudia Dressel [42:28]

8. Guilt, Precious Time, and Cognitive Defusion ([45:04]–[49:09])

• Lingering Self-Judgment:
  Brian worries he’s “polluting precious time with [his] shit,” i.e., spoiling limited opportunity with negative emotions or conflict.

Quote:

“I’m polluting this precious time with my shit.”
— Brian Reed [47:51]

• Claudia’s Cognitive Defusion Tool:
  She introduces a technique encouraging Brian to repeat self-defeating thoughts (like the above) in a cartoonish voice—literally, a Mickey Mouse impression—to help him see them as less powerful or serious.

Quote:

“The act of Brian hearing himself say this thought in the voice of a cartoon mouse can help him see it as ridiculous. Can help him stop self flagellating.”
— Yowei Shah [49:48]

9. Final Reflections: Accepting What Can't Be Fixed ([50:03]–[52:26])

• Validation:
  Claudia acknowledges the reality: the situation is truly hard, and perhaps Brian is already doing all he can. The work is to recognize that, relieve self-judgment, and find the most sustainable, value-driven approach possible.

• Moving Forward:
  Claudia provides Brian and his wife with further resources; emphasizes that many caregivers need not soldier on alone. There are support systems and approaches (like ACT) that can help.

Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Fact-Checking as a Reflex:

  “I feel like my brain has kind of just become wired in a way where I am just like attuned to these details and whether they're true or not... I can't turn that off.”
  — Brian Reed [07:24]

• On Feeling Like an Outsider:

  “It feels emotionally dishonest for what this experience is actually like.”
  — Brian Reed [24:57]

• On Societal Denial:

  “It’s almost as if there is the secret within our society that a lot of people will be affected by cognitive decline. Nobody really acknowledges it, nobody prepares you for it. But then when you find yourself in the situation, everybody says to you, well, if you just did X, Y and Z, then it would be okay.”
  — Dr. Claudia Dressel [27:30]

• On Precious Time:

  “I’m polluting this precious time with my shit.”
  — Brian Reed [47:51]

• On Cognitive Defusion:

  “The act of Brian hearing himself say this thought in the voice of a cartoon mouse... can help him see it as ridiculous.”
  — Yowei Shah [49:48]

• On Doing Enough:

  “And what if you were in a situation in which you actually are doing your best and have done everything you could and are doing whatever you can do?”
  — Dr. Claudia Dressel [50:20]

Episode Structure & Timestamps

• [03:00] Brian introduces his struggle as a compulsive fact-checker and caregiver.
• [06:00–08:00] Daily examples of conflict; Brian’s emotional reactions.
• [09:46–11:47] Snapshot: a day in the life—overwhelm and exhaustion.
• [12:15–14:28] Brian’s memories and grief for his mother-in-law.
• [17:24–18:52] Introduction of Dr. Claudia Dressel.
• [21:14–28:54] Claudia’s approach; validation and recognition of isolation in caregivers.
• [30:09–35:44] Mapping out family stressors; Acceptance and Commitment Therapy principles.
• [36:45–43:21] Acceptance, boundary-setting, and sustainability of caregiving.
• [45:04–49:09] Addressing guilt, using cognitive diffusion strategies.
• [50:03–51:30] Final acknowledgments, validation of difficulty, and emphasizing acceptance.
• [51:47–52:26] Resources for caregivers; episode concludes.

Tone & Language

The episode is intimate, honest, and emotionally raw—mixing dark humor (“I’m polluting this precious time with my shit” [47:51]) with clinical clarity, validation, and empathy. Both Brian and Claudia are forthright in expressing the pains and realities of caregiving, with no sugar-coating.

Takeaway

The episode provides rare validation for caregivers of loved ones with dementia, demystifying the swirl of frustration, guilt, and grief. It highlights the importance of both acceptance (honestly facing hard emotions) and commitment (figuring out what truly matters, and what’s sustainable). Practical therapy approaches and community resources are discussed as means of coping, and listeners are invited to see themselves in Brian’s struggle rather than judging from the outside.