Podcast Episode Summary

Overview

Episode Title: When Politeness Becomes the Enemy of Team Growth—Escaping the Conflict Avoidance Trap
Podcast: Scrum Master Toolbox Podcast
Host: Vasco Duarte
Guest: Mohini Kissoon
Release Date: January 13, 2026

This episode explores the subtle but destructive effects of conflict avoidance in Agile teams. Vasco Duarte and guest Mohini Kissoon dive into how excessive politeness can stifle growth and collaboration, sharing a cautionary tale from Mohini’s experiences. The discussion centers around enabling true team empowerment, navigating the discomfort of conflict, and actionable strategies to foster psychological safety and transparency.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Book Inspiration: “Turn the Ship Around!”

• [01:35] Book Recommendation:
  Mohini credits "Turn the Ship Around!" by David Marquet for influencing her leadership and coaching approach.
  • Leader-Leader Model: Instead of the traditional leader-follower dynamic, teams thrive when all members are empowered to own their decisions.
  • Personal Evolution:

    “I realized I wasn't serving my team well by being the hub of all decisions. So I started changing my language… What have you tried so far? What do you intend to do next?” — Mohini Kissoon [03:41]

  • Transitioning from solving problems herself to fostering capability within teams, even when it felt uncomfortable at first.
• Guardrails and Growth:
  • Mohini emphasizes the need to balance empowerment with “competence and clarity,” ensuring teams have the necessary context and knowledge to make informed decisions.

    “We shouldn’t just be pushing decision making down without making sure we are providing the knowledge and context needed.” — Mohini Kissoon [05:03]

2. Team Destruction through Over-Politeness and Conflict Avoidance

• [06:11] The Perils of ‘Drama Free’ Teams
  • Mohini shares the story of a team whose obsession with politeness led to an absence of healthy conflict.

    “Beneath that politeness was that hesitancy to have difficult conversations… always wrapped in different layers of positive framing.” — Mohini Kissoon [06:28]

  • Real issues remained unspoken:
    • During sprint planning, unrealistic scopes were accepted without question.
    • In retrospectives, critical feedback was avoided.
    • Team members compensated silently for each other’s shortcomings instead of confronting them.
• Undercurrent of Dissatisfaction:
  • Concerns and grievances surfaced privately rather than in group settings, undermining team transparency.

    "People would pull me aside after meetings to share concerns and they would never voice it though in a room." — Mohini Kissoon [07:29]

• Missed Opportunities for Storming:
  • Mohini highlights the importance of the ‘storming’ phase from Tuckman’s team development model.

    “There are teams who are very afraid of going into the storming phase, which I feel is a very important phase…” — Mohini Kissoon [08:19]

  • The reluctance to confront leads to dysfunction surfacing only when deadlines are at risk, making course corrections harder.
• Key Learning:

  "The conflict isn’t the enemy, but it’s mainly when we avoid conflict, that’s when it is an issue for teams." — Mohini Kissoon [09:27]

3. Why Teams Avoid Conflict—and What to Do About It

Vasco’s Perspective

• [09:51] Avoiding Discomfort
  • Vasco points out that avoidance extends beyond conflict; teams often shy away from shame, exposure, and uncomfortable situations.
  • Personal growth insight from therapy:

    “One of the things I’ve gotten from that process is the ability to face discomfort but still remain calm… It takes a lot of work and practice to be able to face conflict and remain calm, remain present, remain focused…” — Vasco Duarte [10:17]

Mohini’s Approach to Handling Conflict

• [11:10] Creating Psychological Safety
  • Explores the root causes of conflict and aims to address them directly, especially under high-pressure scenarios.
  • Key strategies:
    • Foster a space where disagreement is okay.
    • Frame feedback around problems, not individuals.
    • Start retrospectives with a clear anti-blame stance:

      “I always make sure that we are not blaming each other. So it’s not a blaming game. We are here to stop and reflect. How can we get better?” — Mohini Kissoon [12:05]

    • Normalize failing fast and calling out issues safely:

      “It’s making it really safe for us to fail and then to call out anything that we feel is not working well.” — Mohini Kissoon [12:31]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Leader-Leader Mindset:

  "We don’t just empower teams, we need to build an environment where they can grow and where they don’t need the permission to excel.” — Mohini Kissoon [02:30]

• The Cost of Non-Confrontation:

  "In retrospective as well, feedback was very gentle, always wrapped in different layers of positive framing..." — Mohini Kissoon [06:37]

• Skip Storming at Your Peril:

  “We are skipping the storming phase. That's the phase that we get to know each other better...” — Mohini Kissoon [08:22]

• On Making Conflict Safe:

  “Making it safe to talk about difficult topics.” — Vasco Duarte [12:32]

Timestamps of Important Segments

• [01:35] — Book that shaped Mohini’s approach (“Turn the Ship Around!”)
• [03:41] — Shifting from problem-solver to coach; adopting new language with teams
• [06:11] — Story about an overly polite team avoiding conflict
• [07:29] — Private grievances and avoidance of group confrontation
• [08:19] — The neglect (and necessity) of the ‘storming’ phase
• [09:27] — Insight: Avoidance of conflict as the real team destroyer
• [10:17] — Vasco discusses personal growth in facing discomfort
• [11:10] — Mohini’s methods for building psychological safety and constructive feedback culture

Takeaways

• Politeness, if unchecked, can mask deeper dysfunctions in teams.
• Enabling teams means providing both autonomy and support (clarity and competence).
• Avoidance of conflict often leads to bigger issues down the line—healthy debate and transparency are vital.
• The storming phase is natural and necessary; skipping it prevents team maturity.
• Psychological safety is foundational: feedback should be about issues, not individuals.

By candidly sharing failures and strategies, Mohini and Vasco provide listeners with practical tools to recognize and address the hidden dangers of conflict avoidance—a must-listen for Scrum Masters, Agile Coaches, and anyone seeking healthier team dynamics.