Podcast Summary: Search Engine – "The Test"
Podcast Information:
- Title: Search Engine
- Host: PJ Vogt
- Episode: The Test
- Release Date: June 13, 2025
- Description: We try to make sense of the world, one question at a time. No question too big, no question too small.
1. Introduction and Personal Reflection
Host PJ Vogt begins the episode by sharing a deeply personal experience related to handling uncertain and distressing news. He describes a recent medical event that caused him significant anxiety, leading him to obsessively seek information online in an attempt to regain control over his fears.
"At some point in your life, you're going to have to wait for news that is very important to you personally... I had this delusion, which was that information was going to give me control."
[00:XX]
PJ reflects on how his pursuit of information inadvertently exacerbated his anxiety, highlighting the paradox of seeking knowledge to alleviate fear but instead fueling it.
2. Introduction to Amanda Hess
PJ introduces Amanda Hess, a critic at The New York Times, who specializes in Internet and pop culture criticism. He connects Amanda's personal story to a memoir she authored, "Second Life," which delves into her own struggles during pregnancy amidst the digital age.
"I had read this book, it's a memoir called Second Life... I asked the writer if we could talk and she said yes."
[02:XX]
3. Amanda's Early Relationship with the Internet
Amanda recounts her long-standing relationship with the Internet, tracing back to her childhood experiences with AOL chat rooms and seeking advice on platforms like Covergirl.com.
"I remember sending a question when I was like 11 or 12 to like covergirl.com... what you should do if you had acne and freckles at the same time."
[04:56]
She illustrates how her early interactions with online communities fostered a dependence on digital information for personal concerns.
4. Pregnancy Journey and Digital Obsession
In 2019, Amanda and her husband decided to start a family. She describes initially using the period tracker app Flo and how discovering its "pregnancy mode" altered her perception of her pregnancy through a gamified interface.
"The entire interface changed from this, like, girl power diary to an otherworldly orb... I developed surprisingly strong, warm, maternal feelings towards this image on my phone."
[06:18]
Amanda explains how her reliance on digital tools transformed into an obsessive loop of seeking information, which only heightened her anxieties about potential pregnancy complications.
"I had this very obsessive relationship during pregnancy with the Internet of needing to, like, close the loop of the fear by doing a lot of searching."
[08:58]
5. Medical Diagnosis and the Internet's Role
At 29 weeks, during an ultrasound, Amanda received unsettling news about her unborn child possibly having Beckwith-Wiedemann Syndrome (BWS), a rare genetic disorder. This moment intensified her anxiety and dependence on the Internet for answers.
"The doctor came in and he told me that the tongue protrusion was unusual and that my baby might have something called Beckwith Wiedemann syndrome... I knew that a syndrome isn't a good word."
[12:05]
Struggling to comprehend the diagnosis, Amanda felt compelled to seek extensive information online, despite warnings from the medical professionals to avoid doing so.
"He wrote it down for me on a piece of paper because I couldn't remember... don't Google it."
[17:02]
6. Emotional Turmoil and Coping Mechanisms
The waiting period for genetic testing results plunged Amanda into a heightened state of fear and uncertainty. She sought second opinions, which added layers to her anxiety, making her question her own mental resilience.
"I imagined, like, killing myself... if I kill myself, then that is, like, a way out of this scenario."
[28:51]
PJ and Amanda discuss the psychological impact of waiting for life-altering test results, emphasizing the emotional strain and the illusion of control that digital information provides.
7. Resolution and Acceptance
Ultimately, Amanda received conflicting test results, oscillating between hope and despair. An MRI provided some reassurance, but the final confirmation of BWS brought a complex mix of relief and acceptance.
"Having a diagnosis is, like, such a gift. We could actually learn how to prepare for our real child who was coming."
[30:31]
She reflects on the dehumanizing aspect of digital information, contrasting it with the tangible reality of meeting her son, who is now healthy and thriving.
"He's like a really complex person. I never could have genetically constructed, like, a human who is as great as my son."
[44:24]
8. Broader Implications of Genetic Testing
Amanda references sociologist Raina Rapp's work, highlighting the lack of public discourse surrounding the ethical implications of advanced genetic testing. She underscores the personal and societal challenges faced by expectant parents navigating these technologies.
"These medical technologies are being offered to the general public much earlier... our actual public conversation about the impacts of these choices."
[31:58]
9. Final Reflections
In concluding the episode, both PJ and Amanda emphasize the importance of human connection over digital dependency. Amanda shares her journey from seeking control through information to embracing the unpredictability and beauty of her son's existence.
"There's nothing scarier than news about your kids... But he's a human baby. He's cute, you know?"
[42:03]
Notable Quotes:
- "Information would calm my worries. Instead, it was feeding my worries." — PJ Vogt [02:XX]
- "Pregnancy itself, I think, is very much suited to this online gamification." — Amanda Hess [09:35]
- "You're describing sort of like... religious feelings, like you're being punished." — PJ Vogt [14:15]
- "He was so cute. He's a Baby. He's like a human baby." — Amanda Hess [42:03]
Conclusion:
In "The Test," PJ Vogt and Amanda Hess delve into the intricate relationship between digital information and personal anxiety during pregnancy. Through Amanda's memoir, the episode explores how the quest for control via the Internet can both aid and hinder emotional well-being. The narrative invites listeners to reflect on the balance between utilizing technology for information and maintaining human-centered connections in times of uncertainty.