Secondhand Therapy – Episode #119
Are You Addicted to Misery? Dry Drunk Behavior, Earned Love & Why Happiness Feels Impossible
Released: February 23, 2026
Hosts: Louie Paoletti & Michael Malone
Episode Overview
In this raw, deeply personal episode, Louie and Michael explore their struggles with emotional growth, codependency, the concept of a “dry drunk,” and why happiness can seem unattainable. The friends peel back the layers on misery, self-sabotage, inherited patterns around self-worth, and the exhausting notion of "earning" love. What emerges is an honest, gently funny, and at times painful look at the messiness of healing and the real challenges of changing lifelong mental habits.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Understanding “Dry Drunk” Behavior
- Michael shares that a friend recently described him as a “dry alcoholic,” unfamiliar territory for both hosts (08:00–09:00).
- Louie reads a checklist of “dry drunk” characteristics: acting self-important, harsh judgments, impatience, impulsivity, feeling unsatisfied, daydreaming, being disorganized, and backing out of 12-step commitments (08:44–10:20).
- Michael deflects and jokes, “Unrelatable. Go on,” multiple times.
- Discussion turns to how these behaviors overlap with ADHD, and the hosts consider: Can you have “addictive” behaviors without substance abuse? (12:06–13:01)
- Both reflect on inherited patterns—alcoholism in Michael’s family, Louie’s struggles around food and codependency (11:04–12:56).
Louie (11:24): “It’s interesting how you can develop the behaviors of it without the substance.”
2. Is Happiness Even Real or Attainable?
- Michael recounts a recent session with his therapist, who suggested “maybe happiness isn’t for you”—a challenging idea that resonates uncomfortably (16:21).
- The hosts debate if happiness is even real, or merely a fleeting, Western concept. Louie admits he values peace or contentment over happiness, which he believes “comes in moments” (17:54).
Louie (17:54): “I more so desire peace and contentment, and happiness comes in moments—but it’s not something I chase anymore.”
3. The ‘Addiction to Misery’
- Michael is struck by how attached he feels to feeling bad or “miserable.” He introspects on a BoJack Horseman quote: “Even a better version of me is still me.” (18:18–20:55)
- He recognizes he is “smart enough to know that’s not healthy thinking,” but can’t shake the feeling that being miserable “just fits” (20:58–21:12).
- They discuss cynicism around positive thinking, mocking “what if it all works out” posters as naive (21:23–21:48).
Michael (21:04): “It just fits, you know? Feels the most realistic... makes the most sense.”
4. Gratitude, Mindset, and Feeling Stuck
- Michael struggles to access gratitude even when things are objectively good—bills paid, a new book on the way, sunny days (26:04–26:34).
- He experiences fleeting moments of thankfulness, but the mindset doesn’t last.
- He identifies with being “hurt enough to not know how to be grateful,” despite being “smart enough to know” he should be (25:18–26:02).
- This returns to a cycle of self-neglect—“not showering, not brushing my teeth, not taking care of myself”—especially when in “work mode” (27:25–28:18).
5. Inherited Patterns: Learning to ‘Earn Love’
- Michael reveals he grew up around the belief you have to “earn love”—a narrative passed down by his mom, who always felt “too fat to be loved” (34:42–35:36).
- Louie challenges the idea that love should be earned: “You don’t earn love” (35:36).
- Michael admits he hasn't broken the habit and describes seeking inclusion as evidence he’s “earned” affection (36:18).
Michael (36:50): “A couple weeks ago, I got invited to a Super Bowl party. You earned that? Yup. By being cool, being whatever they needed me to be.”
6. Self-Worth and Identity
- Michael confesses to never feeling truly “fine”—always in survival mode (29:14–29:53).
- Louie draws an analogy: “It’s also crazy that you set the bear trap and you have the key and you’re still in the bear trap” (31:35).
- Michael fears being “not presentable,” worrying that others would think less of him if they saw his struggles (32:40).
7. Judgment, Perception, and Anxiety in Relationships
- Much of Michael’s paralysis in friendships comes from overthinking and anticipating judgment—offering help feels risky because he fears it’ll be misread (47:59–51:08).
- Louie encourages simple action (“Just do it... you can invite me, I’ll say yes or no”) and challenges Michael’s addiction to misery: “Would you rather be seen as the friend who does nothing at all?” (49:34–49:42).
Louie (52:00): “You are addicted to being miserable.”
- Michael acknowledges he can’t control others’ perceptions, but struggles to let go: “That’s tough” (52:05).
8. The Familiarity and Safety of Misery
- Louie posits that misery is “familiar and easy,” asking explicitly which is easier—being miserable or being happy (54:40–54:52).
- Michael jokes and deflects, underscoring how ingrained this mindset is.
Louie (54:41): “What’s easier? Being miserable or finding happiness? No, no, tell me the truth.”
9. Why Self-Love is Hard
- Michael asks how Louie has learned to like himself; Louie credits intentional work defining and sticking to his personal values, regardless of momentary slips (41:06–43:17).
Louie (42:40): “I can always find my way back to, like, I’m good... nobody can tell me otherwise.”
- Michael admits he can’t say the same with certainty—his “bad moments stick out more than the good” (45:10–46:18).
Notable Quotes & Moments
| Timestamp | Quote | Speaker | |-----------|---------------------------------------------------------|-------------| | 08:44 | “Acting self important by either having all the answers or playing what is often referred to as, quote, poor me.” | Louie | | 16:21 | “Maybe happiness isn’t for you.” | Michael’s therapist (via Michael) | | 18:18 | “It feels so good to feel bad, and I don’t know why I’m so attracted to that, to misery.” | Michael | | 21:04 | “It just fits, you know?” | Michael | | 25:21 | “A lot of bad has happened, and so I’m jaded and hurt enough to be in that mindset of, like, yeah, this sucks.” | Michael | | 31:35 | “It’s also crazy that you set the bear trap and you have the key to the bear trap and you’re still in the bear trap.” | Louie | | 35:36 | “Well, you don’t earn love.” | Louie | | 41:06 | “I’ve put in a lot of intention on identifying the kind of character I want to have... And I know in the big picture, I’m good.” | Louie | | 52:00 | “You are addicted to being miserable.” | Louie | | 54:41 | “What’s easier? Being miserable or finding happiness? ...Which one’s easier?” | Louie | | 56:09 | “I don’t deserve to be anything else.” | Michael |
Significant Timestamps
- 08:00–10:20 — “Dry drunk” traits explained; overlapping with ADHD
- 16:21–18:18 — Is happiness for everyone? The idea of happiness as a Western concept
- 18:18–21:23 — Attracted to misery, pop culture references (BoJack, S-Town)
- 25:21–26:34 — Gratitude in daily life and why it doesn’t stick
- 29:14–29:58 — The question “Have you ever been fine?”
- 34:42–35:47 — Parental models, “earning” love, self-worth
- 41:06–43:17 — Building self-worth intentionally and not letting others define you
- 45:10–46:18 — Michael struggles to view himself kindly; “bad moments stick out”
- 47:59–51:08 — Paralysis and anxiety over being a “good friend,” overthinking offers of help
- 52:00–54:59 — “Addicted to misery,” and the ease of familiar pain over pursuing happiness
- 56:09 — Michael’s admission: “I don’t deserve to be anything else.”
Tone & Takeaways
The episode is laced with the humor and self-deprecation that fans of Secondhand Therapy expect, but the mood is notably introspective and vulnerable. Both Louie and Michael balance raw self-examination with gentle ribbing, refusing “toxic positivity” but also challenging one another’s resignation.
Listeners will leave with new language to examine “addictive” emotional cycles, questions about their own relationship to earned love, and the uncomfortable realization that familiar misery is, for many, an easier emotional home than happiness.
Final Thoughts
Secondhand Therapy #119 offers an unsanitized look at the real, nonlinear struggle of emotional growth and the allure of old, painful stories about ourselves. If you’re wrestling with feeling “stuck,” with old wounds or with letting go of inherited ideas about worth, their conversation is a reassuring—if sometimes bracing—reminder that you’re not alone.