Secondhand Therapy #019 Replay: "Expressing Gratitude But Why Doesn't Dad Love Me?"

Podcast: Secondhand Therapy
Hosts: Louie Paoletti & Michael Malone
Air Date: December 22, 2025
Studio: PonyBear Studios

Episode Overview

In this replay of one of their most beloved episodes, Louie and Michael dive deep into questions of validation, fatherhood, and the complexities of seeking love and self-worth. Sharing honest and often hilarious reflections from their therapy sessions, the hosts unpack childhood wounds, parental relationships, people-pleasing, body image, and gratitude—all with characteristic vulnerability and wit. Central to the discussion are unresolved feelings towards Louie's father, the enduring impact of absentee or emotionally distant parents, and how these experiences shape adult life and self-perception.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Roots of Validation-Seeking

[05:58 – 14:42]

• Louie recounts opening a therapy session with the question: “Why am I so hooked on validation from others?” [06:05]
  • Wonders if abundant love from his mother set an impossible external standard: “I need to have this equal amount of love that I'm getting from my mother. I need to get that from strangers.” [06:28]
• They joke about the performative actions Louie did as a kid (Chris Farley impressions, physical comedy) to win approval:
  • “Is he the one that you would have chosen to impersonate if you could choose anybody? ... No. ... But he was the one I got stuck with.” [08:09 – 08:18]
  • His therapist reframes this: choosing Chris Farley was about controlling the narrative before bullies did.
  • “If you are already making fun of yourself ... then they couldn't do that.” [10:26]
  • Michael identifies with the “fake it” shield: “That's using humor as a 101.” [10:42]

2. The “Right Decision” Trap & Childhood Pressure

[11:17 – 16:47]

• Louie explains his mom gave him a lot of freedom as long as he was trustworthy.
  • The therapy insight: that was a lot of pressure for a child (“to make the right decision”).
• Both hosts discuss the persistent and complicated feelings adults have about “making the right choice.”
  • Michael: “Even logically... there’s so many instances ... you’re never going to know what would have happened if you bought the other one.” [14:19]
• The aftermath of “wrong” decisions: How to stop wallowing, find self-compassion, and focus on aftercare.

3. Chasing Fatherly Validation & Family Dynamics

[17:09 – 38:03]

• Louie describes his father as intermittently present: “seeing him” meant finding him sleeping on the couch between golfing and nights out, not real father-son time.
  • “So he was never, like, home. Like being dad. He’d just crash.” [18:06]
• His dad was “cool”: jazz style, hung with Black musicians, nicknamed “Julio”—everything Louie felt he wasn’t.
  • "I wasn't cool enough to hang out with my dad." [21:38]
• Therapy breakthrough: “I shouldn't have to be cool enough for my dad to like me. My dad should just fucking like me. He's my dad.” [21:47]
• Grappling with empathy versus resentment as an adult: Understanding addiction’s role without excusing absence.
  • "Why couldn't you just fucking love me? ... Then you think about the addiction ... and you wonder what the capacity is for that." [27:12]

4. Contrasting Biological and Step-Parent Influence

[34:52 – 37:53]

• Discussions with stepdad Wayne—a “good dude” who truly showed up—lead to a critical realization:
  • The love Louie endlessly chased was about title and power (biological dad), not character and merit (stepdad Wayne).
  • His therapist’s drop-the-mic insight: “Your struggles [are] between being Craig or Wayne.” [36:55]
  • Louie: "Wayne had merit and character and didn't matter as much because I wasn't seeking that validation. I already had the love from Wayne." [37:20]

5. Grappling with Gratitude & Chasing “Enough”

[38:40 – 48:15]

• Gratitude practice is a challenge when self-worth is wired to external accomplishments.
  • Michael: “I would love for it to be enough for you one day. No matter what you get, it’s never enough, it’s always about what you didn’t get.” [40:05]
• Comparing yourself to others (even in podcast stats, cars, and “success”) is a relentless struggle in modern life, fed by social media.
  • “Sometimes you scroll your phone and you see other podcasts are doing these kinds of numbers… It's hard to not compare yourself. No one's immune to that.” [47:11]

6. Survivor’s Guilt, Body Image & EMDR Therapy

[44:42 – 54:45]

• The hosts reflect on survivor’s guilt and how their sadness sometimes seems out of sync with their objectively “good” lives.
• Michael discusses starting EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), focusing first on body image issues.
  • Through therapy, he traces the hurt from “I’m fat” to “I’m worthless.”
    • “If that were true, what would that mean? ... I guess that I’m worthless.” [49:49–50:06]
  • Both describe common, deep-rooted discomfort with mirrors and self-image:
    • “How great would that be to see yourself with your shirt off and be like, yep, there it is. And then get on with your fucking day?” [54:11]

7. The Concept of "Magical Thinking"

[56:58 – 58:23]

• Louie shares a key therapy phrase: "Magical thinking"—the illusion that, had you been different, the outcome (like a better parental relationship) would have magically changed. In reality, those things were never your responsibility or within your control.
  • “Thinking you have the power to make a situation different, when it has nothing to do with you.” [57:49]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On fatherly love:

  “I shouldn’t have to be cool enough for my dad to like me. My dad should just fucking like me. He’s my dad.”
  — Louie [21:47]

• On self-worth:

  “[Therapist:] You think because of the way you look, you’re worthless?”
  — Michael recounting EMDR preparatory session [50:06]

• On internal pressure:

  "That's a lot of pressure for a child, huh? To make the right decision."
  — Louie quoting therapist [12:29]

• On therapy progress:

  “I look at where I am now compared to a few years ago, and, like, it’s not even close.”
  — Michael [56:03]

• On the myth of control ("magical thinking"):

  “If I was just cooler, my dad would have loved me. Hey, man, if your dad was cooler, he would have loved you.”
  — Louie [57:49]

• Humor to soften the hard stuff:

  "Daddy wasn’t there to take me to the fair to change my underwear. Seems he doesn’t care."
  — Louie (parody song) [05:35]

Reflective and Emotional High Points

• Louie’s emotional realization that he’s been seeking his father’s validation, not because of anything lacking in his stepdad, but because he associated “love” with title and power rather than character and presence. [36:55]
• Michael’s reveal of core body image beliefs—that at root, negative body talk is about perceived worthlessness. [50:06]
• Both hosts’ admissions that, despite good external circumstances, sadness, anxiety, and the chase for “enough” persist. [43:59–44:28]
• Honest grappling with resentment, empathy, and unresolvable grief about absent or lost parents. [27:12–28:15]

Takeaways and Closing Thoughts

• The deep work of healing father wounds isn’t just about the past—it continues to shape adult relationships, ambitions, and self-image.
• Gratitude and presence are powerful, but hard-won.
• “Magical thinking” keeps us stuck in cycles of blame and self-doubt—acceptance requires letting go of the illusion of control over others.
• Therapy is a painful but transformative process, often best met with humor and the support of fellow travelers.

Secondhand Therapy continues to be a beacon of raw, funny, and compassionate self-exploration, making hard topics accessible and, surprisingly, a little bit joyful.