Secondhand Therapy – "Failing Is Not Okay" | Episode #097

Date: September 1, 2025
Host: PonyBear Studios
Co-hosts: Louie Paoletti (“Mike”), Michael Malone (“Grayson”), and Ken

Overview

This episode of Secondhand Therapy dives headfirst into the messy, relatable process of embracing failure, learning self-accountability, and the tricky emotional landscape around vulnerability and validation. With a blend of trademark humor, self-deprecation, and candid storytelling, the hosts process recent setbacks in hobbies, unpick the embarrassment of not "figuring it out," and dissect household friction over something as simple as unloading a dishwasher. The conversation unpacks ADHD, masculinity, the importance of honesty, and what it means to show up emotionally for yourself and others.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Reluctance to Embrace Failure

• Grayson's failed attempts at new hobbies: pottery, bread making, and drawing.
• The pattern: Trying something new, not succeeding immediately, feeling frustrated, labeling it as not "for me," and giving up.
• Quote:
  • “I'm not good at accepting failure. Trying again, because I think it goes, for me, into embarrassment.” (16:41, Grayson)
• Discussion of how, especially with ADHD, there’s an expectation to quickly excel, and when that doesn’t happen, the default is shame or avoidance.
• Mike: “Failure is embarrassing.” (16:44, Mike)

2. The Language of Self-Talk and "Figuring It Out"

• Dissecting how Grayson internalizes mistakes as not being able to "figure it out," which he recognizes as harsh self-talk rooted in fear of being seen as incompetent or “too dumb.”
• Quote:
  • “Why is it always, ‘figure it out’ or ‘he couldn't figure it out’? ...It just sounds like you’re too dumb to figure it out.” (19:06, Mike)
• Mike challenges both self and co-hosts on the language used—how words like "couldn’t figure it out" shape shame and self-perception.

3. Validation-Seeking vs. Self-Reliance

• Grayson's tendency to verbally process decisions (even minor ones) and seek validation—learning to separate low-risk (small daily) versus high-risk (urgent, personal safety) check-ins.
• Quote:
  • “I’m trying not to really process and I'm trying to really cut down on asking so many questions or... seeking out that kind of verbal processing.” (26:53, Grayson)
• Exploring how much of this is about “help” versus needing honest validation, and the challenge in trusting personal judgment.

4. Experimenting with Independence

• Grayson’s "breakup bucket list": Trying new things (nose piercing), and intentionally not asking for input or approval—testing boundaries between old patterns of validation and new self-trust.
• Quote:
  • “I didn’t call anybody. I didn't check in. I didn't post about it. ...It was just trying to do my homework and it was like a thing where I was like, well, this is a low risk thing. ...I won it. I did it.” (33:34, Grayson)

5. Catastrophizing & Anxiety

• Recognizing how anxiety can take a low-risk choice (like getting a nose piercing) and spiral it into regret or panic, leading to ruminating or “checking in” with others to stave off uncertainty.
• “I definitely went down that rabbit hole. Even after I got it pierced... I kept wanting to like, yeah... I should just take this out.” (35:22, Grayson)

6. Household Routines & Codependency

• A surprisingly deep dive into chores and codependence emerges from a simple irritation: whose job is it to unload the dishwasher?
• The “Do the dishes” parable (story attributed to Ken) explores the theme: If something bothers you, maybe it’s your job, instead of waiting for others to change.
• Quote:
  • “It’s your need; it’s not hers. So do the dishes because they’re not on her radar. They’re on yours.” (40:57, Ken via Grayson)

7. The Slippery Slope from Context to Excuse

• Mike’s aversion to “context” explanations, which sometimes register as excuses rather than accountability.
• Quote:
  • “Sometimes context to me reads as an excuse.” (56:22, Mike)
• Discussion: When is context helpful for understanding, and when does it become a way to dodge responsibility?
• Mike’s assertion: At the end of the day, he values honest, upfront accountability over explanations, which he sometimes feels are a smokescreen.

8. ADHD, RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria), and Emotional Spirals

• Grayson's honest processing of how a minor critique (“you never do the dishes”) sparks doubts about his worth as a roommate or friend—hallmarks of RSD and ADHD thinking.
• The uncomfortable truth of how even indirect feedback can trigger shame spirals.

9. Honesty & Vulnerability

• Both hosts agree: raw honesty is uncomfortable but necessary for emotional growth.
• Mike openly names his own “lazy” avoidance around healthy habits, modeling the vulnerability they both strive for.
• Quote:
  • “Honesty is vulnerable and it's hard. It was very uncomfortable for me to tell you, oh, I'm being lazy. That sucks. That sucks to one say out loud. It’s an admission.” (62:06, Mike)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Through the mist of context, I'm sure there is the monster of honesty hiding in there.”
  (01:50, Grayson; revisited at 61:00 and 61:53)
• “The three hobbies: fail, fail, fail.”
  (14:21, Grayson)
• “Have you tried masturbation, buddy?” — “Nailing it. I’m a pro.”
  (14:25–14:28, Mike & Grayson, with classic levity)
• “It’s hard to find a hobby.”
  (12:15, Grayson)
• “Why is it always ‘figure it out’...I have a theory but I’d like to hear why.”
  (18:39, Mike, drilling into identity and capability)
• “If you don’t leave a five-star review, then step two would be: go fuck yourself.”
  (02:20, Mike, with deadpan humor)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Failure & ADHD patterns: 09:24–16:44
• Shame and "figure it out": 16:41–19:13
• Seeking validation vs. self-trust: 24:27–26:53
• Nose piercing and independence: 32:20–35:03
• Household codependence ("Do the dishes" parable): 39:41–41:08
• Context vs. accountability (dishwasher story): 45:05–56:22
• Honest admission about laziness & self-talk: 60:00–62:43
• Wrap on honesty, language, and emotional growth: 61:00–63:35

Tone & Style

Warm, irreverent, self-deprecating, and emotionally raw.
The hosts fluidly mix humor with diatribes about mental health, personal anecdotes, and mutual ribbing while always circling back to deeper self-awareness.

For Listeners Who Haven’t Tuned In

This episode offers a deep and hilarious look at the shame of failure, perfectionism, the struggle for self-acceptance, and the difficulty in communicating honestly with yourself and others. You’ll laugh, you’ll cringe, and you’ll walk away with a few new ways to view your own “failures”—and why sometimes, just doing the damn dishes makes all the difference.

Further Resources

• [Patreon for bonus/extended episodes]
• [Secondhand Therapy Merchandise (including tie-dye tees and "Vasectomy Farms" shirts)]
• [Contact details in episode description]