Inner Critic Sounds Like... Mom | #092 - Secondhand Therapy

Transcript

A (0:00)

Hello, little bear cubs. This episode of Secondhand Therapy is sponsored by BetterHelp. And you know, they want us to tell you the benefits of therapy, but it's kind of the show.

B (0:14)

Right.

A (0:14)

If you listen to us, you know, we're pro therapy. You use Better Help recently?

B (0:20)

Yes, I have. I just signed up.

A (0:21)

How'd it go?

B (0:22)

It's great. I got to pick my own therapist. They have a bunch, like there's like two or three pages of people that I got to choose from and. Yeah, I just started a few sessions ago. Nice.

A (0:36)

Have you used their journal feature?

B (0:37)

I have not seen that yet, but I'm excited to because I love a digital journal.

A (0:42)

Who doesn't love a digital journal? Yeah, we're excited to have them as a new sponsor. You know, you went to BetterHelp because you were in between insurance.

C (0:54)

Yeah.

A (0:55)

So if you're listening to this and maybe you're in between insurance, maybe you don't have insurance. It's just, it's a good resource to start therapy. And if you listen to the show and you've been wanting to get into therapy and you don't really know where to start, Better Help's a good option and they were nice enough to give us a discount code. If you guys, if you're listening and you want to start with Better help, go to betterhelp.com secondhand therapy and you get 10% off your first month. All the info will be in the episode description below. Get in therapy. You know, it's great.

B (1:39)

Check it out. Welcome back to Secondhand Therapy. We to remind you that we are not therapists. We are not licensed professionals. And this is no way in any, any shape or form. And how you cut it. This is not a substitute for actual advice from people that.

A (2:03)

Damn it, the they're talking. This is not a substitute for therapy and this is not professional advice in any way. Are you doing this on purpose?

B (2:11)

No, I, I legit. Even when I hear you now, I can't retain it. You may try.

Summary

Secondhand Therapy: “Inner Critic Sounds Like... Mom” (#092)

Host: PonyBear Studios
Date: July 28, 2025
Participants: Louie Paoletti (A) & Michael Malone (B)

Overview

This episode of Secondhand Therapy dives deep into the complex relationships we have with our internal voices—specifically the “inner critic” and how often it echoes the words and attitudes of our parents. Louie and Michael, best friends and unapologetically unlicensed “therapy journeymen,” use humor, vulnerability, and self-reflection to unpack Michael’s evolving therapy journey, codependency, grief, and the long shadow of maternal influence.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Search for the Right Therapist

Michael parts ways with his former therapist: Citing a lack of depth and “black and white” thinking, Michael expresses frustration when his therapist quickly concludes, “That’s just who you are,” instead of probing deeper into issues like external validation and non-monogamy curiosity.
Transition to BetterHelp: Michael appreciates how easy it was to switch therapists via the platform—just a couple of clicks. His new (gay male) therapist immediately feels like a better fit, offering trauma-informed modalities like IFS (Internal Family Systems) and “parts work.”
Lighthearted banter about the process:
- “Therapy is just dating. You're trying to figure out if this is your person or not.” (B, 11:39)

2. Grief, Motherhood, and the Voice in Your Head

Conjuring Mom Up: Michael’s therapist asks, “Who is filling that gap now that she’s gone? And do you think anyone can give you the love she gave you, buddy?” (B, 17:24). This hits Michael hard and is repeatedly referenced as a pivotal, wounding insight.
Ongoing Grief Work: Michael admits he’s less far along processing his mother’s death than he assumed. Overwhelmed by memories linked to small rituals—like buying a suit—he finds himself repeatedly suppressing emotions:
- “I got overwhelmed. And I was like, all right, well, shut that down... almost crying, and I’m like, nah.” (B, 21:03)
- Louie challenges him: “Why? Who’s fucking talking?” (A, 21:28)
- Michael: “Anybody got time for that? Because… something that big is going to take the whole day...” (B, 21:31)
“Conjuring” as a coping mechanism: Michael’s therapist labels the way he replays imagined conversations with his mom as “conjuring”—keeping her present, especially for self-critique or imagined disapproval. Michael notes, “I find myself, like, arguing with her disapproval a lot of times… my tattoos are an example of that. My mother would never want me to have tattoos.” (B, 24:12)

3. Codependency: Family Patterns and Current Struggles

Intergenerational Codependency: Louie articulates how Michael's upbringing with his mom and grandmother—a “chain of codependency”—shaped his concept of love and self-worth.
- Louie: “Your mother raised you in a very codependent way… she needed you to feel that purpose.” (A, 36:41)
Loss of Parental “Protection”: Michael describes the fear that fills the “protection gap” since his mom died:
- “There’s nobody looking out for me. There is no backup plan… That is a weird feeling.” (B, 33:15)
Link between codependency and identity: The hosts reflect on how losing a codependent parent can lead to a sense of purposelessness, not traditional suicidality, but, “Well, what am I doing here?... the struggles I have with living life for myself.” (B, 38:22)
New awareness from attending CoDA meetings: Michael’s participation in Codependents Anonymous is bringing insight and “nuggets” every week:
- “Every time you get out of one of those you have… some nuggets. Dude, I’m wrecked, buddy. It’s a fistfight every week.” (B, 41:43)

4. Love, Protection, and the “Inner Critic”

The voice as love: Michael explores the shock of realizing his inner critic often mirrors his mother’s voice:
- “Whose voice is that?” (A, 47:19)
- Michael: “It’s mom. ... Because the protection that she is providing in those moments feels like love, you know, like, even when it’s criticism.” (B, 47:22)
Criticism as protection: Stories about tattoos and judgment illustrate how “don’t get a neck tattoo, people will think X, Y, Z,” is internalized as care.
Louie’s challenge: “When your mother says ‘People are going to think…’—that’s what you think.” (A, 49:05). The deeply ingrained fear of others’ judgment isn’t really about “others”—it’s inherited and projected anxiety.
Wrestling with authenticity and external validation: Michael struggles to differentiate between genuine desire (e.g., to “feel put together”) vs. what’s dictated by ingrained fear of judgment.

5. Relationship Patterns: Reenacting Old Dynamics

Replicating codependency: Louie gently points out that the ways Michael conceptualizes love (constant reassurance, proximity, merging) can cause problems in relationships with less codependent, more individuated partners.
- “You’re… showing love, and when you’re in a relationship with somebody who is… not codependent—they’re going, hey, this isn’t what it’s supposed to be like. And that can be ouchie.” (A, 40:52)

6. Forward Movement: Therapy Goals

Setting intentional goals: With his new therapist, Michael focuses on: learning to process grief, processing emotions, and trying IFS/parts work to better understand his internal family dynamic.
Re-learning self-care and emotion regulation: There’s earnest recognition that much of his “put-together-ness” and self-presentation is a reenactment of childhood coping.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Therapy Roulette:
- “Therapy is just dating. Right. You’re trying to figure out if this is your person or not.” (B, 11:39)
On Maternal Influence:
- “Who is filling that gap now that she’s gone? And do you think anyone can give you the love she gave you, buddy.” (Therapist relayed by B, 17:24)
On Emotional Avoidance:
- “I got overwhelmed…almost crying, and I’m like, nah. And I would shut it down.” (B, 21:03)
On the Persistence of the Inner Critic Voice:
- “She asked me whose voice [the inner critic] was…It’s mom.” (B, 47:22)
- “The protection that she is providing in those moments feels like love, you know—even when it’s criticism.” (B, 47:38)
On Perfectionism and Presentation:
- “The house is never as clean as when company’s coming…” (B, 50:46)
- “It's such a... It's so ingrained in me that I… I literally don't know how to look at it any other way.” (B, 51:08)
On Codependency:
- “It's crazy what you think is love when you're young.” (A, 42:36)
- “Losing her… there’s nobody looking out for me. There is no backup plan… Now I’m scared.” (B, 33:15/36:20)
On Healing:
- “I'm very interested in figuring out my parts and going down and talking to some folks.” (B, 45:50)
- “You can't… we can't go down there and be aggressive [to your parts] because they probably will not be really receptive to that. Got to go from the core self.” (B therapist relayed / A, 46:19)

Timestamps for Key Segments

New therapist, switch to BetterHelp: 04:13–12:27
Parental loss, conjuring Mom, and grief process: 15:21–26:47
Codependency, self-purpose after loss: 33:12–38:51
Inner critic and maternal voice: 47:19–48:43
External validation, self-presentation, and deep patterns: 50:07–58:04
Therapy goals and learning emotion regulation: 44:43–46:47

Conclusion

This episode delivers its trademark blend of candor, subtle wit, and hard-hitting emotional insight. With Michael’s therapeutic breakthroughs around his mother’s enduring influence—both as a nurturing force and a source of critical self-talk—the episode wrestles gently with universal questions: How do we break inherited patterns? Who replaces lost love? Where do our standards for ourselves really come from? The hosts leave listeners with hope—therapy (especially with a good fit) can help change the script, even if that inner critic still sounds a lot like mom.