Secondhand Therapy | Episode #108

Porn Addiction & Monastic Wisdom with Jeremy Lipkowitz
Date: November 17, 2025
Host: PonyBear Studios
Co-hosts: Joe & Travis
Guest: Jeremy Lipkowitz

Episode Overview

This episode of Secondhand Therapy dives into the complex topics of porn addiction, self-mastery, and personal transformation through the lens of Buddhist philosophy. Joe and Travis welcome guest Jeremy Lipkowitz—a meditation teacher, former monk, and porn addiction coach. Together, they unpack Jeremy’s personal journey from addiction to healing, explore the neuroscience behind compulsive pornography use, scrutinize cultural attitudes, and pull practical wisdom from his monastic experience. The conversation is open, unfiltered, and sprinkled with the hosts’ trademark humor.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Jeremy’s Journey into Buddhism and Monastic Life

• Origin Story: Jeremy describes realizing the destructive effects of his porn addiction during college, which triggered an existential crisis prompting his search for meaning.
  • "I had this existential crisis moment of awakening where I realized that I was never going to be happy if I kept living the way I was living." — Jeremy (08:37)
• Discovering Buddhism: He found anchor in meditation and Buddhist philosophy, particularly appreciating its empirical approach linking neuroscience and Eastern wisdom.
• Monastic Experience: Jeremy became a monk during an intensive 30-day silent retreat in Myanmar; previously, he’d done around 15 ten-day silent retreats.
  • "I realized, oh, Buddhism isn't just some kind of religion about spirituality and woo woo stuff. It was a very grounded approach to understanding your mind and cultivating the things that would lead to happiness and well being." — Jeremy (08:37)
• Monastic Life Details (11:55–14:00):
  • Routine includes alms rounds, chores, group meals, and intensive meditation.
  • The first silent retreat was extremely challenging due to withdrawal from distractions; repeated practice made the process easier.

2. The Science & Psychology of Addiction (18:00–22:51)

• Porn Addiction Mechanisms: Jeremy explains how compulsive porn use hardwires neural pathways around novelty and dissatisfaction.
  • "Every time you see a new scene or a new girl or new video, you get a little dopamine hit and you get addicted to that novelty... my whole life was a state of suffering because I was always looking at what I didn’t have and what I wanted." — Jeremy (20:15)
• Negative Impacts: Changes in intimacy, self-worth, relationships, and happiness stemmed from addiction patterns.
• Long-Term Consequences: Many negative effects are subtle and manifest over years, not instantly like with substances. (30:01)

3. Cultural Normalization & Unrealistic Expectations (32:22–36:25)

• Normalization: Both hosts recall growing up in environments where porn was omnipresent and never questioned.
  • "It was so common. All of my friends were watching porn. Everybody, you know, it's... sex is everywhere." — Travis (29:14)
• Media Distortion: Unrealistic body standards and behaviors modeled in pornography impact perception, expectations, and real-life relationships.
  • "In zero porn scenes ever will you ever see a girl turn down sex and that request be kind of accepted... this is totally warping what young men think of as healthy intimacy." — Jeremy (33:26)
• Emerging Trends: Rising rates of erectile dysfunction and loss of interest in genuine connection among youth—linked to porn use.

4. Defining & Diagnosing Porn Addiction (36:35–39:13)

• No Fixed Number: Addiction is less about frequency, more about impact—"any behavior you do repeatedly despite negative consequences."
  • "If you keep doing something but it's causing harm in your life and you keep doing it anyway, you could classify it as an addiction." — Jeremy (36:35)

5. Can Porn Use Ever Be “Healthy”? (39:13–41:56)

• Jeremy’s View: For almost all men, there’s little-to-no upside; harms outweigh any short-term pleasure. Possibly slightly different for women due to differences in arousal patterns.
  • "For 99% of guys, they don’t have a healthy relationship with [porn]. Even if they think they do." — Jeremy (39:13)

6. Gender Differences in Addiction (41:56–44:53)

• Men vs. Women: Men are more visually stimulated; women tend toward story and character (e.g., erotic literature).
• Rising Female Addiction: More prevalent than before, but mechanisms and effects often differ.

7. Practical Recovery: What Works? (44:53–49:25)

• Top Advice: Get connected to community, therapy, or accountability groups. Isolation and shame maintain the addictive cycle.
  • "Get connected to a community, a brotherhood, a men's group, a therapist, a coach... it helps you let go of the shame around this addiction." — Jeremy (44:53)
• Shame as a Trap: Isolation fuels addiction—open sharing and connection are essential for recovery.
• Sobriety vs. Recovery: Sobriety is abstaining; recovery is resolving roots of addiction (e.g., trauma, emotional avoidance).
  • "Sobriety is not the same as recovery. Sobriety is just let me use some willpower... Recovery is saying, let me untangle the knots of my soul and my mind that made me want to escape and run away." — Jeremy (48:00)

8. Is Happiness Achievable? (57:37–61:52)

• Buddhist Perspective: True happiness is not ecstatic highs, but contentment and equanimity; defined as inner fulfillment, gratitude, and peace.
  • "When you have a moment of real gratitude, of, whoa, I'm alive... that is happiness." — Jeremy (57:55)
• Roots of Suffering: Buddhism pinpoints greed, aversion, and delusion as core obstacles.
  • "The roots of suffering are greed, hatred (aversion), and delusion." — Jeremy (59:46)

9. Memorable Metaphors

• Realm of the Hungry Ghosts: Jeremy likens addiction to Buddhist imagery—insatiable craving never brings satisfaction, always needing “more.”
  • "Huge, massive stomachs, massive bellies, and they have tiny pinhole mouths... they can never eat enough to satisfy their hunger ... That's what addiction is like." — Jeremy (53:20)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On First Silent Retreat:

  • "It's the most challenging thing that I had ever done. And probably to this day still, because we're so used to distraction... you’re just really with yourself and your thoughts and your experience." — Jeremy (14:31)

• On Breaking Porn Addiction:

  • "I could tell you just briefly about it. It was this moment of walking down the street... I saw these two college girls walking in front of me. And I could not stop staring at their butts ... In that moment, I realized that ... this feeling of lust is a state of suffering." — Jeremy (19:00)

• On Culture and Fantasy:

  • "Sex is not like it is on screen. It's awkward a lot of times and it's human." — Travis (31:05)
  • "We're making it seem like a lack of consent is what women want." — Jeremy (33:26)

• On the Path to Recovery:

  • "What shame does is it makes you want to isolate and hide away." — Jeremy (45:00)
  • "Addiction... it's the same at the root for all of these things... Recovery is not just sobriety." — Jeremy (48:00)

• Happiness, Contentment, and Buddhism:

  • "The happiness that Buddhism is talking about and promising is more of the inner peace, the inner fulfillment, that deep sense of contentment... Any moment of gratitude is a moment of happiness." — Jeremy (57:55)

• On the “Realm of the Hungry Ghosts”:

  • "That's what addiction is like... It's just wandering around thinking, I need something hotter. I need something better. I need more followers, more money, a bigger watch..." — Jeremy (53:20)

Important Timestamps

• Jeremy’s Addiction & Buddhist Path: 08:31–11:55
• Monastic Life and Silent Retreats: 11:55–16:23
• Science of Addiction / Novelty: 18:01–22:51
• Impact on Relationships / Unrealistic Expectations: 29:14–34:49
• Defining Porn Addiction: 36:35–39:13
• Healthy Relationship with Porn?: 39:13–41:56
• Gender Differences: 41:56–44:53
• Jeremy’s #1 Recovery Advice: 44:53–46:55
• Sobriety vs. Recovery: 48:00–49:25
• Happiness & Buddhist Wisdom: 57:31–61:52

Tone & Style Notes

The episode combines honest vulnerability, humor, and practical wisdom. Joe and Travis keep things loose and accessible, occasionally riffing on personal stories, but never shying away from direct questions about shame, masculinity, and what it really takes to heal from compulsive behaviors.

This summary captures the heart of episode #108—a frank, insightful, and funny conversation that fuses evidence-based psychology, Buddhist philosophy, and real-life stories on the struggle and hope of overcoming porn addiction.