Secondhand Therapy

When Childhood Fear Becomes Adult Anxiety | Episode #102

Date: October 6, 2025
Hosts: Louie Paoletti & Michael Malone
Podcast: Secondhand Therapy (PonyBear Studios)

Overview

In this heartfelt, humorous episode, Louie and Michael dive deep into the ways childhood fear, instilled largely through parental anxiety and exaggerated caution, can morph into adult anxiety and emotional dysregulation. Along the way, they tackle nostalgia, the complexities of sharing on social media, vulnerability in friendships, and the hard but necessary work of emotional growth—all with the podcast's signature honesty, wit, and self-awareness.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Seattle Reset & The Paradox of Capturing Moments

[05:31 – 15:17]

• Louie shares a recent solo trip to “old Seattle,” describing a mindful morning walk, journaling and capturing a peaceful beach scene on video. He reflects on the gap between experiencing life and documenting it, pondering whether photos and videos allow us to "take moments with us,” or obstruct genuine presence.

  • “I was taking a bunch of pictures, and I was thinking about, like, when I'm taking pictures, sometimes I think they're going to be incredible...and then I go back…usually they surprise me.” (Louie – 06:41)

• Michael respectfully challenges the analogy between photos and memories:

  • “A photo doesn’t change...but moments, you can have a truly horrific moment and, even as you look back, it's never going to feel that fresh again...” (Michael – 08:26)

• The hosts debate the value and pitfalls of trying to relive or share experiences through technology, touching on accessibility to media and emotional overload in the digital era.

  • “I am trying to break myself of this thing that we’re supposed to have access to everything all the time...You don’t get to take vacation back home with you.” (Michael – 10:54)

  • Louie enjoys some nostalgia from his travel video:
    “When I look at that video...it doesn’t feel exactly how it felt...but a lot of those feelings still wash over me.” (Louie – 13:14)

  • Michael quips back: “You’re lying to yourself...what you’re going to rewatch is you like this [on your phone]. That’s the memory you captured.” (Michael – 13:41, 13:53)

Social Media: Sharing vs. Validation and Loneliness

[19:05 – 26:09]

• The discussion expands to how and why we share life online. Is it to authentically connect, gain validation, or avoid loneliness?

  • Michael argues posting is “a desire for attention...for people to envy you for a moment.” (20:13)

• Louie acknowledges some truth:

  • “I do like to be liked...but in that specific moment...that was a sharing moment. That was not a validation moment.” (21:02, 21:09)

• Both consider “checking in” via stories and its impact:

  • Louie: “I like it when other people do that...just getting a little window into what they’re doing.” (24:05)
  • Michael: “Yeah, you’re nosy...but also, it’s not real, dude. You’re choosing what to check in.” (24:12, 24:15)

• Louie admits he often shares because of loneliness:

  • “I’m a little lonely...so why not send a little update? It’s just me out here.” (25:17)

• Michael’s sharp commentary: “If you could learn to just be on your walk and enjoy it, maybe you’d be less lonely.” (25:36)

The Public Persona vs. The Private Self

[27:20 – 37:17]

• Louie talks about how sharing became “his job” for decades and how artists like Bo Burnham and Maria Bamford navigated their relationships with public and private performance.

  • “You kind of have to post to build community, build content...” (Louie – 33:40)

  • Michael: “Instagram is your publicist...it’s not your diary.” (37:07)

• They discuss whether freedom from constant sharing leads to better art, referencing Bo Burnham’s withdrawal from social media.

  • “He did all the things you’re doing, and then he’s like, ‘oh, that’s fucking terrible’—and put out the best shit he’s ever done after.” (Michael – 35:03)

The Origin: Childhood Fears, Parental Anxiety, and Adult Triggers

[44:41 – 61:01]

• Louie opens up about starting a higher dose of Adderall, and how discussing this with his therapist unearthed deeply-rooted fears from his childhood—particularly those instilled by his mother’s catastrophic warnings ("everything was worst-case scenario").

  • “Everything was so big. Like, everything was death with mom...You can’t drive in the rain because you’ll wreck your car and you’ll die.” (44:48)

• These dire warnings left Louie unable, as an adult, to discern the scale of problems—everything feels big, and mistakes feel existential.

  • “So that’s why now I can’t discern when things are small or big...It’s hard for me to determine what matters and what doesn’t...” (47:30)

• He describes how, after a perceived conflict (e.g., being told “we should spend less time together”), he’d withdraw entirely, expecting total rejection.

  • “...if my mother said, ‘Don’t leave your shoes in the hallway,’ it would be like, ‘I’d trip and die!’...so if I leave my shoes out, I kill mom.” (46:44)

  • “Even now, if you and I get in an argument, I think you’re done with me for good...Logically, I still can’t understand that it’s temporary.” (51:38 – 51:40)

  • Michael observes, “That’s a pretty vulnerable thing.” (57:02)

• Louie shares that his mother’s fear was intended as protection, but the result was a chronic anxiety that persists now she’s gone—a direct hand-me-down from mom.

  • “My therapist hit me with this. He said, ‘Do you think that your mother put a lot of extra fear in you so that it would carry over when she's gone?’...that’s exactly what happened.” (59:58 – 60:36)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Michael on nostalgia and memories:
  “Your memory is so unreliable. But I do like the analogy. I just don’t know that I...agree with it.” (08:53)

• Louie on social postings:
  “I’m a little lonely...so why not send a little update?” (25:17)

• Michael on the true driver for online sharing:
  “It’s not sharing. It’s a desire for attention. It’s a desire for people to envy you for a moment.” (20:13)

• Louie’s reflection on childhood messages:
  “Everything was so big. Like, everything was death with mom...” (44:48)

• Michael, summing up the legacy of childhood fear:
  “Damn, your mom fucked you up.” (59:03)

• Louie, on inherited anxiety:
  “...my therapist hit me with this: ‘Do you think your mother put a lot of extra fear in you, so that would carry over when she’s gone?’...that’s exactly what happened.” (59:58 – 60:36)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Seattle reset, nostalgia, and living in the moment: 05:31–15:17
• The debate: capturing, sharing, and being present: 09:06–15:00
• Social validation vs authentic sharing: 19:05–26:09
• The public/private line for artists: 27:20–37:17
• Parental anxiety as origin of adult anxiety: 44:41–61:01

Tone and Dynamic

The episode balances vulnerability and humor, with Louie often self-reflective and Michael honestly skeptical, poking at each other's logic but supporting real growth. The hosts’ dynamic oscillates between playful bickering and raw, emotional honesty, creating a uniquely honest account of the messy road to emotional awareness.

Takeaways

• Childhood fears, especially when inflamed by anxious parents, often translate into maladaptive adult anxieties and an inability to discern or downscale everyday stressors.
• Social media and nostalgia are double-edged: sometimes connective, more often serving as distraction or validation-seeking.
• Vulnerability in friendships requires communication rather than assumption or withdrawal.
• Awareness of inherited emotional patterns is crucial—but awareness alone isn’t an immediate fix.

Closing Thought

Louie: “All the roads lead back to protection. And my therapist hit me with this: do you think your mother put a lot of extra fear in you so that would carry over when she’s gone? That’s exactly what happened.”

Michael: “Damn, your mom fucked you up.” (59:03–59:09)