Secondhand Therapy | Ep. 106: Why Men Struggle With Vulnerability
Main Theme / Purpose
In this episode, hosts Louie Paoletti and Michael Malone respond to a heartfelt listener email about why men often struggle with vulnerability, emotional honesty, and communicating their inner world. The show uses humor and real talk to discuss themes of abandonment trauma, masculinity, therapy, and why personal growth can be so difficult—especially for men. Through self-reflection, sharing their own histories, and unpacking social and emotional conditioning, the hosts examine the roots and repercussions of male emotional stoicism and offer guidance for others navigating similar challenges.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Listener Email: The Catalyst for Masculinity & Vulnerability Discussion
- [08:32-13:33]
A 34-year-old male listener from "Big Prairie, Ohio" writes in describing long-standing mental health struggles rooted in childhood abandonment by his father.- He lists: self-loathing, depression, social anxiety, codependency.
- Outwardly, he has a happy marriage, four kids, financial stability, but feels emotionally unfulfilled and unable to express this—especially to his wife.
- He fears burdening others, minimizes his struggles by comparing them to others, and has never told anyone about his internal battles.
- Seeks advice but isn’t in therapy and is unsure if he “needs it.”
2. Why Men Keep It Inside: Social & Internalized Barriers
- [13:38-14:57]
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Michael acknowledges many men feel as alone and stuck as the letter writer, suffering in silence due to social norms and personal shame.
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Notable Quote:
“Unfortunately, I know from experience that a lot of men are in that position… really struggling, feel like they don't have anyone to talk to. And they keep it locked inside and it grows like a cancer.”
— Michael ([13:41]) -
Louie notes emotional secrecy and internalizing pain lead to unhealthy outcomes (“That’s why you have a heart attack at 45.” [14:00]).
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3. The “System” and the Myth of Achievement
- [14:57-15:27]
- The hosts observe that men are conditioned to believe checking external boxes (job, marriage, kids) will produce happiness, but “that’s not what’s going to make you happy.”
- Notable Quote:
“You did everything that they told you to do to be happy and you figured out that it doesn’t work.”
— Michael ([15:12])
4. To Share or Not to Share?: Talking to Partners and the Limits Thereof
- [15:40-16:21]
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Balancing openness with partners against expecting them to fill every support role.
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Therapy cited as crucial third-party support; partners can’t be “your everything.”
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Advice: A gentle approach: Tell your partner you’re struggling, validate your relationship, and state your intention to seek therapy.
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Notable Quote:
“I’m thinking of maybe getting into therapy… It’s nothing to do with you. I'm not questioning our relationship. I love you. I love the kids. I'm feeling off, and I just need to talk to somebody about it.”
— Michael (role-playing advice, [16:45-17:17])
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5. The Legacy of Abandonment Trauma
- [18:41-19:00]
- The hosts reflect on how early paternal abandonment shapes adult emotional struggles, including persistent fears of being left by others—a dynamic the listener seems to reenact in his marriage.
- Both share their personal experiences with abandonment and link it to feeling “not enough” or fundamentally unworthy of love.
6. Normalizing the Human Condition: “Everything’s great, but…”
- [19:35-20:15]
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The idea that it’s human to feel unhappy even when “life is good”—these feelings do not invalidate gratitude or success, nor do they make someone ungrateful.
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Notable Quote:
“You could have everything you ever dreamed of. You're not—You're still gonna feel bad sometimes. That’s human.”
— Michael ([20:03])
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7. Why Can't Men Communicate Emotionally?
This becomes a core segment of the show, dissecting cultural and psychological obstacles.
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Old Norms, Not Lack of Interest:
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Michael rejects the idea that men are “disinterested” in each other's struggles; rather, they lack practice and skills for vulnerability.
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[32:12-34:03]
- Men aren’t taught emotional share—in youth, their feelings weren’t solicited or validated.
- The shame of desiring connection or fearing ridicule outweighs the wish to be open.
- Trying vulnerability in a peer group that’s unskilled or judgmental is terrifying.
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Notable Exchanges:
“Trying something you have no idea how to do, around people that you think are gonna judge you and make fun of you—that’s… name something harder.”
— Michael ([33:54])“I think the majority of men have that desire [for vulnerability]. I think the majority of men are ashamed of that desire. And I think that shame is more powerful than the desire for vulnerability.”
— Michael ([33:37])
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Conditioning Differences in Boys and Girls:
- Louie prompts a discussion about how women are socialized to tend to community/emotion, while men are valued for strength and stoicism ([35:28-36:27]).
- Both note that shame is the common denominator, though what triggers it and how it manifests are gendered.
8. Emotional Fixers Versus Avoiders in Masculinity
- [45:04-49:20]
- Many men default to “fixing” rather than holding space—within friendships, marriages, even in mundane tasks.
- Louie and Michael see themselves in this “fixer” role and debate distinctions in how they manage discomfort, help, and politeness.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
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On the Allure and Fear of Therapy:
“Therapy is having someone whose only motivation is to guide you and work through things with you… They're not your wife, they're not your coworker. There’s no judgment.”
— Michael ([14:03], paraphrased) -
On Childhood Abandonment:
“I'm sorry your dad did that to you, man. You didn't deserve that. It wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could have done to change it.”
— Michael ([27:58]) -
On the Futility of “Having It All”:
“You did everything that they told you to do to be happy and you figured out that it doesn’t work.”
— Michael ([15:12]) -
On Men’s Emotional Socialization:
“We’re not taught how to do that… if they don’t really sit down, listen, and converse with you about how you are feeling, you just don’t have that skill.”
— Michael ([32:15]) -
On Being a “Fixer”:
“Because you can’t let things be… you have to fix things even if no one’s asking you for help.”
— Michael to Louie ([46:13])
Timestamps for Important Segments
- Listener Email Read/Discussion: [08:32–13:33]
- Importance of Therapy & Third-Party Support: [13:38–17:17]
- Abandonment Trauma & Its Impact: [18:41–19:00]
- “Everything is great, but I feel bad” – Normalizing Hidden Struggles: [19:35–20:15]
- Why Men Struggle with Vulnerability (Main Core): [32:12–34:03]
- Emotional “Fixers” and Avoiders: [45:04–49:20]
Conclusion
The episode delivers a mix of humor, lived experience, and practical wisdom about what keeps men from being emotionally vulnerable, even when they crave connection and understanding. The hosts—through banter, open admissions, and genuine empathy—remind listeners (especially men) that feeling emotionally “off” is universal, that therapy helps, and that the only way to break cycles of shame and silence is to risk being seen—even if the first step is just writing in to a podcast.
Key Takeaway:
Men struggle with vulnerability not due to lack of interest, but due to a toxic mix of socialization, internalized shame, and no one ever having shown them how. Building vulnerability is not about flipping a switch, but “running the wires in the wall,” being intentional, seeking help, and practicing honesty—first with oneself, then with trusted others.
Recommended Listening from Hosts:
- Episode 29 “Cool Enough” ([19:13-19:24]) — Focuses on feeling “not enough” and abandonment, suggested as a companion listen for those with similar struggles.
This summary captures the heart, humor, and humanity of Michael and Louie’s conversation, making it approachable and resonant for anyone seeking to understand male vulnerability or feeling stuck themselves.