Carl Radke: Sobriety, Addiction and Identity

Summary

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Episode Overview

Podcast: Self-Conscious with Chrissy Teigen
Host: Chrissy Teigen
Episode: Carl Radke: Sobriety, Addiction and Identity
Date: January 15, 2026

In this candid and introspective episode, Chrissy Teigen welcomes Carl Radke (of Bravo’s Summer House) to discuss his memoir Cake Eater, his journey to sobriety, grappling with addiction, and reconstructing identity after living publicly as “the fun guy.” Together, they explore the nuances of recovery, the deep roots of addiction in family and culture, and the often messy, non-linear process of personal growth and healing.

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Main Themes and Purpose

• Identity and the "Fun One" Persona: Examining how personal and social expectations shape identity, especially when fueled by alcohol and a need to entertain.
• Sobriety and Recovery: Breaking down the realities, misconceptions, and emotional milestones of getting sober—including setbacks and support systems.
• Family, Grief, and Addiction: Carl’s experience growing up with familial addiction and losing his brother to substance abuse.
• Practical Recovery Tools: Sharing insights, routines, and community resources that foster well-being in recovery.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Meaning Behind "Cake Eater" (01:48–04:28)

• Carl explains the title of his memoir:
  • “It’s a term to describe someone handed everything, someone who’s very wealthy... We weren’t poor, just blue collar, middle class, so being made fun of for being rich was confusing... I wanted something for my book that was defined and unique of where I’m from.” (Carl, 01:53)
  • Anecdote of meeting Ben Roethlisberger who immediately called him "cake eater" upon learning where Carl grew up, solidifying the book’s title. (03:54)

2. Childhood and Learning to Be "The Fun One" (04:43–06:28)

• Alcohol was normalized as part of family celebrations; issues with substance use went unrecognized.
• Carl reflects on his innate desire to bring joy and be liked:
  • “I was the kid trying to bring joy to people’s lives… always friendly and smiling... what’s funny is childhood Carl is now back.” (Carl, 05:45)
• Early introduction to masking pain and keeping things light at all costs.

3. Addressing Addiction—Chrissy and Carl’s Parallel Experiences (06:48–10:38)

• Both discuss their struggles with substance use, secrecy, and the pressure to appear fun and unbothered.
• Chrissy reflects:
  • “All my coke days, painkiller days, all of those were in secrecy… Lip Sync Battle, I will say, I was fucked up a lot. And they knew it… they protected me.” (Chrissy, 07:36)
• Carl highlights the non-linear route to recovery and the courage to admit needing help:
  • “Even when I said I needed help, it took me two years... It wasn’t a linear path.” (Carl, 07:51)

4. Hitting Rock Bottom and Seeking Help (08:19–11:50)

• Carl recounts his last rock bottom on January 6th during the pandemic, leading him to seek true support.
  • “I drank five or six bottles of red wine, did tons and tons of cocaine… I called an executive not having slept and said a bunch of crazy things. It was a cry for help.” (Carl, 09:07)
• The stigma of being honest about cocaine vs. alcohol use:
  • “For whatever reason, coke publicly has this connotation of, like, total degenerate… Now I’m like, let’s own it... I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I’m not.” (Carl, 11:17)

5. The Ripple Effect of Sharing Sobriety (12:00–14:10)

• The impact of public honesty:
  • Carl is approached by fans who found inspiration in his story:
    • “You’re the reason I got sober… I hugged her and said, ‘You did the work. …Now you’re going to impact others in your life.’ That’s the gift.” (Carl, 12:12)
• Both stress the contagious/value of visible recovery.

6. Recovery Support Networks—AA, Sponsors, and Community (14:19–16:11)

• Carl’s gradual journey from anonymous Zoom AA calls (as "Cal") to in-person meetings.
• The role of a sponsor:
  • “You have to contribute to the sponsor too… early on, I had to write down names of people I had harmed… the 12 steps for anybody… there’s just a good moral fabric any human could benefit from.” (Carl, 15:24)

7. Sobriety & Life on Bravo (16:17–17:43)

• Navigating the pressures of being filmed while struggling with addiction.
  • “Safe space is the bathroom because there’s no cameras… I thought I knew who I was before I joined Bravo… It was the mirror that I wasn’t ready for…” (Carl, 16:36, 17:17)
• Reliving mistakes repeatedly in the public eye.

8. Withdrawal, Healing, and Authenticity (17:43–21:24)

• Early challenges included drug dreams, physiological and psychological adjustments, and finding joy again.
• Advice: Don’t do it alone, and give it time for true self to re-emerge.
  • “I finally feel like Carl, sober, confident, like me… It took some time to get there.” (Carl, 18:43)

9. Navigating Relationships While Sober (19:02–20:55)

• Healing, ending an engagement, and starting a new relationship before the one-year sober mark.
• Support and companionship made early abstinence easier, but reflection brings perspective.

10. Practical Tips and Daily Routines (21:24–22:33, 35:00–38:10)

• First Steps for Others:
  • Tell someone close, find a supportive therapist, start with a Zoom meeting (camera off is fine).
  • “You cannot do it alone… The first step was for me to tell some close friends... The second step was finding a therapist and actually telling the truth.” (Carl, 21:28)
• Physical Activity: Walking/running outdoors contributes to mental well-being in recovery.

11. Family Addiction and Grief (22:33–34:07)

• Carl’s brother Curtis struggled with heroin, meth, and alcohol. Family response included tough love, but resources were limited.
• Carl processed immense guilt and grief after Curtis’s death, which played out on Summer House.
• Moving personal anecdote:
  • “The last time I spoke to my brother was at my grandfather’s funeral… Him and I never really got resolved… he was found [dead] while we were filming. …He was my hero…” (Carl, 26:30–28:40)
• Finding meaning through service and sharing:
  • “His story is going to help someone.” (Carl, 29:01)

12. Recovery Beyond Sobriety—Giving Grace and Staying Real (32:39–34:07)

• Chrissy and Carl discuss the imperfection of recovery.
  • “Have I lived the perfect program? No. Is there things I could do more of? Probably.” (Carl, 32:44)
  • “I’m not sober anymore, and I feel like I’ve let an incredible amount of people down.” (Chrissy, 32:52)
  • Carl: “Give yourself some grace and be real... the success rate of AA is not 99%... It’s less than 20%.” (32:59)

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Memorable Quotes

• On Identity:
  "I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I’m not."
  (Carl Radke, 11:17)

• On Recovery Superpowers:
  "It really is so badass to be sober. So the more mornings you wake up without regret, it gets easier."
  (Chrissy Teigen, 20:55)

• On Impact:
  "All I really did was take better care of myself and open up about it. Because I’m not a doctor, I’m still figuring shit out... but you almost get praised too early... There’s always an imposter syndrome a little bit."
  (Carl Radke, 13:29)

• On Grief and Service:
  "His story is going to help someone."
  (Carl Radke, 29:01)

• On Daily Routines:
  "The first thing you do when you wake up is make your bed. It sets the tone for the rest of the day… it establishes movement and a task."
  (Carl Radke, 36:48)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• "Cake Eater" Origin & Pittsburgh Upbringing – 01:48–04:28
• Masking Pain & Early Family Alcohol Culture – 04:43–06:28
• Chrissy & Carl: Substance Use While Notoriously “Fun” – 06:48–10:38
• Describing Rock Bottom – 08:19–09:34
• The Stigma of Admitting Cocaine Use – 11:04–11:50
• Fan Encounters & The Power of Sharing Sobriety Publicly – 12:00–13:12
• Carl’s First AA Experiences – 14:19–15:13
• Sobriety in the Spotlight (Summer House) – 16:17–17:43
• Grieving Curtis & Processing On Camera – 26:30–29:08
• Toolkit: Carl’s Morning Routine & “Make Your Bed” – 35:59–38:10

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Toolkit: Practical & Actionable Insights

Carl’s Morning Routine (35:59–38:10)

• Inspired by Make Your Bed (Admiral McRaven):
  • “The first thing you do when you wake up is make your bed. It sets the tone for the rest of the day. Even in my hotel room, I made the bed.” (Carl, 36:17–37:48)
  • Organizational rituals help clear the mind and promote feelings of competence and order.
• Getting outdoors:
  • Walking/running outdoors is an essential self-care and sobriety tool. “That’s what’s helped me stay sober, because I get high from running.” (Carl, 35:15)
• First steps for anyone struggling:
  1. Confide in a trusted person.
  2. Seek an honest therapist.
  3. Attend a recovery meeting, Zoom OK.
  4. Embrace incremental progress and celebrate small wins.

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Tone & Language

The conversation is deeply honest, warm, and often humorous—balancing the gravity of addiction and grief with lightness, resilience, and hope. Chrissy and Carl speak as peers, sharing vulnerabilities and pragmatic encouragement.

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For Listeners Who Haven’t Heard the Episode

This episode provides a compassionate, nuanced window into the lived experience of addiction, the complexities of public and private healing, and the liberating power of owning one’s story. Whether you’re facing similar struggles, supporting someone who is, or simply seeking inspiration for your own growth, the open dialogue between Chrissy and Carl—with its candid admissions, practical takeaways, and memorable moments—offers both empathy and practical guidance.

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Transcript

[A]

You're listening to Self Conscious with Chrissy Teigen, an Audible original podcast. Join me as we explore the cutting edge of health, wellness, and personal growth with the world's leading experts and thinkers. From inspiring stories to actionable insights, our conversations aim to help you lead a healthier, happier, and more productive life. A lot of us grow up thinking we have to be the fun one to be loved. The person who never says no to a drink keeps the night going, keeps everything light, so nothing ever gets too real. But sometimes the version of ourselves we create to survive becomes the thing that's hurting us the most. And no one understands this better than Carl Radke. You know him from Bravo's Summer House, a show built on long weekends, big parties, and being entertaining on camera. For years, Carl played that role perfectly. But off camera, he was struggling deeply, performing a version of himself he couldn't hold together anymore. Today, Carl is here to talk about his new memoir, Cake Eater. And what happens when the fun stops working. What recovery actually looks like when your whole identity has been wrapped up in alcohol, nightlife, and being the party guy. And the moment he realized he had to save his own life, even if it meant letting go of the person everyone wanted him to be, Carl Radke welcomed a self conscious. Carl. Welcome to Self Conscious.

[B]

Thank you for having me.

[A]

Okay. We could talk all day, honestly, about anything.

[B]

There's a lot to talk about.

[A]

The title of your book is Cake Eater.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Tell us about that phrase.

[B]

It's a term to describe someone handed everything, someone who's very wealthy and kind of given things on their plate. I grew up in a town just south of Pittsburgh called Upper St. Clair. And my father and my uncles and my grandparents all grew up in this town as well. So I was a second generation going through the school system. And I remember my dad joking with us. He'd call me and my brother cake eaters. But that was something he was called also because in the community we're in, it was a wealthy community. And the other schools and neighbors were jealous of this kind of upper middle class area. And during sports games, the parents, the students, the cheerleaders be like, we're playing the cake eaters tonight. Or like, screw the cake eaters. And it was something I just was always like, well, we're not rich, dad. You know, we had cars that had missing hubcaps and broken windows. I had one bathroom. We weren't poor, just blue collar, middle class. So being made fun of for being rich was confusing. And I was jealous of other friends, kids had nice Mercedes and BMWs. We had a shitty Nissan Altima with a missing hubcap. It was something that really stuck with me, and I wanted something for my book that was defined and really unique of where I'm from. Fast forward to Summerhouse season two of the show. I had been still kind of hooking up with Lauren at the time. The solidifying thing for me was about two years ago, I'd had the title listed. I told my book publisher. She's like, I like it. Let's just hold onto it. I went to a golf outing. I'm a big NFL fan, and I got invited to Jerome Bettis. He's a former NFL Pittsburgh Steelers. He throws a charity event in the Hamptons at Sabonick Golf Club. NFL players are there guys that I'm obsessed with. One of them was a former Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger. I go up to the publicist, I say, hey, can I say hi to Ben? He's one of my favorite players. She's like, yeah, he's nice. Go over and say hi. So here I am, 6 foot 5 Carl, walking over to other 6 foot 5 Ben Roethlisberger. This charity event, I'm, like, invited. It's not like I'm a random fan. Hey, Ben. I'm Carl Radke. Stick my hand out. I'm from upper St. Clair and Pittsburgh. Big fan. Without a beat, he looks at me and goes, cake eater. Wow. In my head I go.

[A]

Meant to be.

[B]

In my head I go, that's the type.

[A]

Wow. I've actually never heard the term cake eater.

[B]

And it's funny. So since coming up with the title, I forgot, but in the movie Mighty Ducks, in Minnesota, there's, like an area that's wealthy. They're called cake eaters. But in that movie, they're making fun of Adam Banks, who's like, the rich kid.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They call him a cake eater in the film.

[A]

Oh, my gosh.

[B]

So in Minnesota and Pittsburgh have similar sensibility. Hardworking towns, colder weather. But cake eater was a term that in Pittsburgh, it has a connotation from the town I'm from. It's drawn up a lot of curiosity about the book, which I had hoped for.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But then the book cover itself. I actually had my book publisher smash. Smash a cake in my face. She had a lot of fun with that.

[A]

She's like, yes, please.

[B]

And that was only one take. I was like, we can't do more than one. I can't have all this frosting on my face right now.

[A]

When you look Back at your childhood, when do you first remember learning to be the fun one?

[B]

That's a great question. I grew up in a family. There's a lot of love. And I think in some families, grandparents are very involved in the child care. We lived with my grandparents for a period of time just due to some stresses in the family finances. So I was taken care of by my grandparents, aunts and uncles. My mom and my dad were around, but it was just a lot of family and a lot of love. But looking back, there was a lot of alcohol in our home. Grandparents, aunts and uncles. It was just a part of the family fabric and always around.

[A]

Growing up, it wasn't like a negative thing.

[B]

No. It was like celebration.

[A]

Bottling bottles. Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

It was just a thing. And my grandfather was a Marine and had fought in Vietnam and certainly brought home some things, and alcohol was something he used. My other uncle was a military veteran. He also struggled with alcohol. So I had family members that in that age, I didn't clock what was going on. But my grandpa, after three or four martinis, wow, watch out. That was just Grandpa.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Then there was other behavior that you're like. But, yeah, this is. In the last couple years, I've started to really go back to, like, who was Carl as a kid? And I was, like, the happy kid. I was the kid trying to bring joy to people's lives. I'd go to church. I was always dressed up, liked putting a tie on. I was always friendly and smiling. Many people that knew me, they would always say I had a Kool Aid stain on my lip. And I'd poke you on the side and be like, hey, can I get a dollar? It's been nice to go back to, like, remembering childhood Car, really.

[A]

That I am.

[B]

And I love meeting people. I'm very friendly. I was always smiling and happy. What's funny is childhood Carl is now back.

[A]

Oh, I love it.

[B]

I'm very lucky. My family life was not easy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And the book does talk about some of the challenges that growing up in a family with. My brother was a heroin addict and really struggled and, you know, ultimately did pass, which was also a big part of a Summer House episode in season five. I tell the story about my life because I felt it was important for people to know how I got to. Bravo.

[A]

I genuinely love you and how you talk about sobriety on a tough platform and network.

[B]

When I discovered you and John were watching us, you guys were laying in bed and laughing. You turned your phone to the TV.

[A]

Screen and it was and do you know what? Not only did we watch that then, but I watch reruns of it. I love playing it for my friends, and I love watching it again. It's, like, very comforting for me. You should be proud of the special club you're in and the people that understand it, because there is no other thing like it to be ripped apart for every tiny word. Not being able to say, like, it's editing. Cause everyone's like, fuck you. You still said it. All my coke days, painkiller days, all of those were in secrecy. In private, Lip Sync Battle. I will say I was fucked up a lot. And they knew it. I was going through postpartum depression. I was drinking way too much, and they did a good job of protecting me.

[B]

But I will say, even you just opening up and saying that to me, it's inspiring to hear you be so open and vulnerable because it's not a linear path at all. And I think people think it's maybe like this quick fix, okay, I'm gonna get sober. But for me, even when I said I needed help, it took me two years from that moment till I actually discovered the right support. It was AA for me in getting a sponsor. But immediately, like, when I told friends I, like, was having a problem, it took me still two years from that to, like, get the right path.

[A]

Did you have multiple rock bottoms?

[B]

I definitely had a few. I mean, I clocked the one rock bottom, my last one as the main one. It was actually January 6th, which is the day all that crazy stuff was going on in D.C. i was working at home because Covid was still a little hairy. And at the time, we would do happy hours on Zoom. We'd throw a party and drink. Like, you weren't in person. You were just on a computer screen, but drinking in your apartment. So we started drinking. I started turning on cnn, watching the news, and I was getting emotional. I'm not a big political person, but watching that was very upsetting. And I just continued to drink. I ordered. In New York City, you can order wine very quickly. My coke guy was there in 20 minutes, and I drank five or six bottles of red wine, and I did tons and tons of cocaine. And I essentially called an executive at like, 9:30 in the morning. That next morning, not slept and, like, said a bunch of crazy things. I would call people at crazy hours, and this was a cry for help. At that point. I had scared Kyle even, and some other close friends that were, like, legitimately worried about if I was still alive.

[A]

Really.

[B]

I almost think I Said on the phone I was gonna kill myself. I called that person because it was the last straw. Like, I needed someone like him to know, like, I was really needing help.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But that was. It wasn't a linear path. Like 2019. I had a friend call me and say, you need to go to rehab.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I got sat down by some people related to Bravo and were like, you need to go to rehab.

[A]

I never looked at you the way I look at some people until I'm like, that person's on coke or that person's drinking too much.

[B]

I was really good at, like, kind of masking and Adderall or coke.

[A]

Oh, Adderall as hell.

[B]

Which I thought Adderall was sweet. Cause I could take it and you wouldn't. I wouldn't be sniffling or doing things like coke related.

[A]

I once ripped a microwave out of the wall coming off of Adderall. I did a cover of Cosmo on it. And I look insane.

[B]

Insane.

[A]

Every tooth is showing.

[B]

Can you tell looking back at photos?

[A]

Oh, I can tell from my eyes. I did a cosmetics campaign. So fucked up, out of my mind. And my eyes look so sad. Every time I pass by in the hallway, I think about that.

[B]

They just recently played some clips from season three. An old episode got played again. And I was drinking back then, and I'm watching myself on tv wasted. And I know I'd been doing coke that afternoon. Yeah, it was hard to watch. Really hard to see myself like that because it's been almost five years since I've gotten sober.

[A]

Wow, that's so. Which is, congratulations.

[B]

Amazing.

[A]

But, yeah, people say things like that. It makes me so happy.

[B]

I think it's important for anybody listening to this, which is I wasn't comfortable admitting the cocaine part of my story. I just was like, alcohol is my problem. I have family members that have struggled. But when this individual sat me down, like, you need to get help. Like, real help. And I was like, yeah, am I drinking? And she's like, is it just your drinking? And the way she said that, I unraveled. They know.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Anybody that really knew Carl's story was, I drank, and I always was holding cocaine in my pocket. Even someone would be at a party, they'd be like, carl, should we get some coke? I'd be like, yeah, let's get it. I'll chip in. They'd go get the coke. I still was holding in my own pocket.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Cause I just. I never wanted to be without. But I pretend like I didn't have it. And I got really good at putting on the mask. But it wasn't until someone called me out about the coke. And then over time, I realized I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not. And people were praising me about being honest about the alcohol. But for whatever reason, coke publicly has this connotation of, like, total degenerate. And I didn't think I was. That I was so uncomfortable being honest about the coke part. Now I'm like, let's own it. Put your arms around it. And now I laugh at stuff.

[A]

I scroll through reels all day. And nothing makes me more proud than somebody sharing their story of sobriety and truly seeing the different look in their eyes.

[B]

It's contagious. And I've said this story a few times, but it's almost a year ago. I was coming up out of a subway in New York City in, like, midtown, near Rockefeller Center. I was coming up the stairs, and a woman, maybe in her 20s, was coming down the stairs. And I been on TV 10 years now, and I know you can kind of tell when someone knows who you are. This girl kind of sees me and walks past, and I can hear my name. She goes, carl. And I turn, and she's like, I'm really sorry to bother you, but you're the reason I got sober. I hugged her and I'm like, oh, my God. Like, I'm so honored. And in my head, I'm like, I didn't do anything. But what I said to her was, listen, you did the work here. I'm honored. I have inspired you. But this is what I hope can happen in your life now. You're going to. Now that you've gotten. She was a year sober. People in her life. She's going to impact.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Unintentionally, without realizing. And I'm like, that's the gift.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're going to. Hopefully a friend or a family member, they're going to notice the changes in you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they're gonna be like, wait, what's she doing? Or what's going on with her?

[A]

That's why it's so important that you're talking about, like, that you got to a rock bottom, because for so many people, they're gonna look at you and be like, well, if you can do it, I can do it. But they might not be at that point where it's debilitating to their life yet, but they're close.

[B]

I've used examples of athletes that I've seen. For example, Michael Phelps is someone I, you know, he's an amazing gold, Olympic gold medalist, but he's been open about his ADHD and some of his struggles and even just mental health, which I was like the greatest swimmer of all time has all these issues. That was something I needed to hear. As I started getting sober on Bravo and doing that, part of me was like, maybe there is someone who watches our show who relates to my story. And if I'm just honest and open and sharing loudly, if someone can be helped or be inspired, that's why I'm doing it. And I. That girl in the subway station, she's one of many who've said to me, like, you've inspired me. I'm honored. But part of me is like, I didn't do anything. All I really did was take better care of myself and open up about it. Because I'm not a doctor, I'm not a therapist, and trust me, I'm still figuring shit out. I've been very open publicly, but you almost get praised too early. I feel like I haven't done enough work yet. There's always like an imposter syndrome a little bit.

[A]

Well, you are. You said five years becoming coming up.

[B]

On five in January.

[A]

That's amazing.

[B]

Thank you. It's wild. I never thought even 90 days.

[A]

When you were doing AA, did you go to meetings publicly or was it Zoom?

[B]

I started with Zoom.

[A]

Camera off.

[B]

Camera off. I was like. So I changed the spelling of my name.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I'm like, someone's going to know Carl RS from Bravo.

[A]

That was a fear of mine.

[B]

So I changed it to Cal C A L. My Zoom AA name was Cal. No Camera on. I finally, after like a month was like, all right, camera on. And no one gave a shit. No one even knew who it was. And then I actually started going in person and I met a guy in New York who he'd worked at Goldman Sachs or was working, incredible finance guy. But I learned about his story and I was like, you know, 10 years of crazy partying and drinking, lost his marriage, very successful, hard working guy. So I started to find people that I wanted what they had. But it started with Zoom. And then I started finding in person meetings because New York is full of amazing meetings.

[A]

Yeah. What does it look like to have a sponsor?

[B]

I can be held accountable, but you got to communicate with them.

[A]

Are they on your ass or are you sponsored?

[B]

Almost sounds like it's on your ass. But you have to contribute to the sponsor too. My sponsor wasn't calling me every day be like, yo, you Sober, it was more, hey, how are you doing today? What are you grateful for? Did you go to the meeting? Did you read Step eight? Where are you at with your amends? Because he was really helpful early on. I had to write down names of people that I had harmed. My mother being number one, my dad number two. But then there was individuals you've seen on Summerhouse that I needed to make amends to, which was important. To do that exercise, I would recommend the 12 steps for anybody. Regardless, if you're struggling with alcohol, there's just a good moral fabric that any human could benefit from for communication, for personal stuff. It was really important for me to go through that because I had to clean out all the shit.

[A]

Is there a moment that you can now view as a sign of how bad things really were?

[B]

In early Seasons, you see me coming home at six in the morning and you knew exactly what I was up to. I would find other friends out in the Hamptons and get a bag and go late night partying. I'd come back into the house six in the morning, cameras are rolling in the house, and realizing I still have to film in two hours.

[A]

How were you not so paranoid having cameras watching you?

[B]

I would drink in the bathroom. The safe space is the bathroom because there's no cameras in there.

[A]

It's stressing me out to even think about it because then say, you know, you fucked up August 11th. You know, it's gonna air mid winter or whatever, and you're waiting for that time for it to come out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It is not a viable life to me, honestly, to be a Bravo Liberty. I have said it so many times. You have to live as you do. You have to relive it. When someone else wants to hash it out again, you have to do it again at the fucking reunion and then it airs and then you have to do it again online. Yep, you're a masochist. There's like no fucking way I would ever in my life.

[B]

I'm a glutton for punishment. I will say this is the other Carl Radke way of looking at it. It's a mirror into my life. I thought I knew who I was before I joined Bravo, but it was the mirror that I wasn't ready for, which caused me to go the other direction. But I will say over time, I'm like, wait, I'm not proud of that and I don't want to be like that. So it actually was like a shock to my system to go down the right path.

[A]

Did you have to take anything for your withdrawals.

[B]

I just white knuckled it. I will say what I've started to have early on was drug dreams. And I've learned some people in AA have talked about this.

[A]

I'll wake up thinking you did something.

[B]

Thinking I'd done drugs in the middle of the night. Like, I'll have a crazy, vivid dream that feels like that's actually happening. I wake up and I'm like, I just relapsed. Oh, my God.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And I'm actually like, wait, nothing happened.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I, like, check my nose.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It took me time to find, like, joy, build back up serotonin, and, yeah, just feeling good. It wasn't immediate, but I would say I started to feel pretty good after, like, nine, 10 months. But then even up until last summer. So we just filmed all summer. We have a new season coming very soon. By the way, season 10, I said out loud when I got into the house this past year in July, I finally feel like Carl, sober, confident, like me. I'm a little goofy, I'm a little weird, but I'm a lot more like myself. It took some time to get there, to really learn who I am sober.

[A]

See, that sucks because, like, mine was a little over a year and so.

[B]

But I also had gone through a lot. Like, I had gotten engaged, and then I called off the wedding and said, I, you know, I don't think this is right from that. There was a lot of, like, healing and rebuilding back up and all at.

[A]

The same time that you were trying to get sober or were you sober by. You were sober by then? Yeah.

[B]

My sponsor had said, you need to be sober for one year before you date. Of course, I'm like 10 months feeling great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And Lindsay and I were very tight friends, and I almost replaced alcohol and cocaine with dating her. I don't want to talk poorly about her at all. Like, she's an amazing person, but in that span of my life, I had someone attractive and a friend and showing me love, and we had a chemistry. And looking back, probably should have been like, I really need to get to a year. But she was someone I loved and cared about. We were filming together, and we just kind of fell into this amazing romance that, sure, I should have maybe prioritized that year, but we started dating 10 months into my first year.

[A]

Well, hindsight's 20 20, and I don't think anybody would fault you for falling in love with somebody that you were literally working with.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

It felt like such every day, it.

[B]

Felt like the energy was drawing us together.

[A]

You understand each other. You're going through the same exact thing and the same exact thing.

[B]

And she was so supportive early on. And when you have a very attractive woman who's ride or die for you while you're sober, it's the best feeling. I actually remember we went to Craig's in West Hollywood. We did a celebrity family feud out here, and we're going to Craig's and we're doing, like, this whole West Hollywood night. And of course, I'm not drinking, but she wasn't drinking that night. And it just like, I had someone with me, and it was still fun, but that was the beginning of our relationship. She was sober too, but when you have someone that rides for you early on, it makes it a lot easier. You can't do it alone. Yeah, Definitely can't do it alone. For the first, like, six months we dated, she was not drinking.

[A]

It actually, like, blows my mind that some people aren't sober, but they would still be able to go out and have dinner without drinking. It's so crazy to me.

[B]

I enjoy that.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And I look forward to that because it gives me a new perspective on the night. I can have a dinner and enjoy the food and have great combo.

[A]

It really is so badass to be sober. So the more mornings you wake up without regret, it gets easier.

[B]

Yes. It builds on itself. It has. For me. I kind of equate it to. This is maybe a silly example, but going to the gym, if you haven't worked out for a year and you go to the gym and lift weights, you're gonna be sore.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But if you do that consistently over a couple days, you're not sore anymore. But you start building muscle and you start fueling your body and, like, getting accustomed to that. But the soreness is actually growth. It took some practice.

[A]

Can you give anybody out there a first step?

[B]

First find someone close, family or a friend, and be honest. You need help to stop drinking. You need to feel supported. You cannot do it alone. There are people out there have white knuckled it. They've told nobody, and they just stopped drinking. There are people that can do that. I wasn't one of those. But the first step was for me to tell some close friends, like, hey, I. I'm really struggling. But having them support and show love was, like, a really good first step. The second step for me was finding a therapist and actually telling the truth. We lied to our doctors. I would lie to my therapist. She'd be like, you know, how was your weekend? And I would come up with some BS that I thought she wanted to hear, but it was me just pissing away money. So find the therapist that you can be really honest with. Third, I would just join a zoom meeting with the camera off. The first time I heard a meeting and I hear someone share something and I was like, that's me. You start hearing other people and they start sounding like things you've been through. And you start to realize you're not the only one. This community is amazing and there's a lot of well to do, successful people.

[A]

Your relationship with your brother Curtis shaped your emotional life. What did you understand about addiction through him? Long before you knew it would eventually apply to you?

[B]

You know, I think it's a disease. I didn't think of it like that when I was younger. I was five years younger than my brother and thought he was an asshole. Because my brother struggled with heroin, meth, alcohol. My bicycle, my BMX bike that I had gotten for Christmas was stolen by him and sold for drug money. Video games, other sporting goods. In my town in Pittsburgh, there was a sports store that would buy old ski boots or old skis or old sporting equipment. And I went into the thrift store, sporting goods place, and what do I see on the shelf is my skis and my boots. I'm a young kid. I think my brother's stealing. But what I realized over time is if he could have helped.

[A]

How young was he then?

[B]

16, 17. And then it just continued to get worse. But I didn't understand that it's a disease. You wouldn't get mad at someone who's got cancer. So why am I getting mad? But it's such a difficult thing because you enable sometimes without even realizing. Of course, I struggled as a young kid dealing with it because I witnessed a lot of his drug use. Yeah, we lived in a small house. I didn't have my own bedroom door. We shared a bedroom. And in the house we grew up in, you just would go upstairs and it was just one open room with our bed and his bed, you know, and there was times I didn't realize, but he was shooting heroin and I was watching him. You know, I didn't get it. Cause I was five years younger.

[A]

I'm like, how did your parents handle.

[B]

Was tough love is how they handled it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I remember my mom calling, I think, the police on one of the times. Like your parents calling the police on you.

[A]

Yeah. Oh my God.

[B]

In today's world, I think you might find that parents wouldn't do that. Back 20 years ago, I Mean, it.

[A]

Would be hard to cut somebody off financially. Your own son.

[B]

We struggled with cutting him off or finding the right way to love and support someone going through that. Countless rehabs, but we weren't able to afford the best rehabs. It was like the halfway house in Philadelphia that could take him in for two weeks because they got a grant and we could get services. But he lived a very hard, rough life. And a lot of stuff that he had been through in his childhood that, like a lot of us, it's. A lot of it is your childhood traumas and your. Your ego. But yeah, he lived a really rough existence and I was pretty much front row seats to, like, a lot of it until I went to high school and he ended up moving out. But, yeah, being in a family that has addiction and mental illness is. It's everybody's addiction and mental illness.

[A]

I mean, I can only compare it to, like, watching intervention. You have people that yell at the TV and you're like, why are you enabling them?

[B]

My youth was similar to what some of those I've. It's very hard for me to watch.

[A]

An intervention as a child.

[B]

Yeah, it feels like I'm watching my family sometimes. Like, if it's a heroin based conversation, I can't watch it. It's so painful, deep, deep down inside just knowing how sick my brother was, but also how sad and depressed and we just wanted to help him.

[A]

When you were growing up and watching your brother, did you ever look at him saying, that'll never be me.

[B]

What's so crazy, Christy, is I was always like, I'm never gonna be like him. I did everything in my power to be the opposite of him. This is a story I've told before, which is sad because this drove a huge wedge between me and my brother. I was talking about Curtis on Summerhouse the first season, and basically making an excuse of why I behaved the way I did. I was drunk and crazy and doing something. I'm like, well, my brother struggles. And looking at the camera basically was like, my brother's a heroin addict. And all this stuff my brother watched that night and the way I spoke about his addiction was so wrong and screwed up, he went crazy.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Deservedly so. Here's his brother calling him out on TV about his addictions, and it created a huge wedge between me and him. And that essentially that whole thing with him and I never really got resolved. Resolved. You know, my grandfather passed shortly thereafter, and the last time I spoke to my brother was at my grandfather's funeral. But it was several Years after my grandfather had passed that my brother did pass, but him and I just were. I was in a drinking and using, and he was doing his own thing. But 2020 Covid happened. I started to get help. I went to therapy. I told my mom I was getting sober. We started filming season five of Summer House. You know, I'd had an opportunity before filming to go see my brother and actually talk to him, and my mom offered me the chance. And I just was like, I'm not quite ready yet. Yeah, we started filming that season. My mom got remarried August 1st. We watched that whole thing on the show. Ten days later, I got the call while we were filming at the house, and my phone on my nightstand, when it popped up, it was like 7:05 in the morning. My mom called me. My body said, that's it, it's Curtis. And she told me what happened, you know, he was found. I screamed and cried so loud like Paige and Hannah heard me downstairs below in their bedroom. I ran to find Kyle, my best friend, and he hugged me and was there for me. And then one of our producers had a brother who had also struggled, and she and I just got along and had a good connection. But I called her and she raced right over because the production team doesn't stay in the house with us. And she came to the house and was just sat with me, and I cried. And gradually everybody in the house came up to support and yeah, I mean, at that moment, it was like, how do I find out my brother's dead? While filming this TV show, I went off the deep end after that, and it was my excuse to drink and use over time. I was killing myself by drinking and using because I was grieving and so sad and so depressed about my brother. He was my hero. He was a kid I looked up to. And to find out in such a difficult way, I mean, I would have paid any amount of money for that to never, ever be on Summer House, ever. It happened the way it happened. And people thank me all the time, like, thanks for sharing that. Part of me wants to be like, I didn't want to. But the other part of me knows this is helping people. And my brother, ultimately, in his last. I was told this by my father when he was at rehabs or other clinics, he was administering Narcan and helping people when they were ODing or struggling. He always was trying to help. And the only way I can make sense of his passing while filming Summerhouse was that his story is going to help someone.

[A]

How old was he when he passed.

[B]

He was 41 years old when he passed.

[A]

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

[B]

Thank you. My dad also said my brother. I mean, he wasn't homeless, but my brother was found, like on the street, overdosed. He was on the streets of downtown Pittsburgh. From what I was told, it was a bridge I'd gone to Al Anon, an offshoot of aa. It's for family members that have struggling loved ones. So, like the mom of the son?

[A]

Yeah, like codependency.

[B]

And my mom would go to this, and I started going to meetings, and a friend of mine challenged me to go to one in New York. So I went to one in the Upper east side seven months ago, and I didn't want to go.

[A]

You have cool friends.

[B]

I've been very lucky. You're only as good as your worst friend. And I don't have too many bad.

[A]

Ones, but they sound awesome.

[B]

She was like, you gotta go to this thing, Upper East. And I'm like, I don't want to go. And usually when I don't want to go, that's my body saying, you need to go.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I go. I sit down in this room. I'm the only guy who's even close to 40 in this room. It was a lot of older folks, so that's great. And people are sharing stories about loved ones. And I get called on to share my story about my brother and this woman. After I share, I tell similar story. I just told you maybe a little bit more heart wrenching, but she's like, where was your brother found again? And I'm like, the Liberty Bridge in Pittsburgh, downtown. She's like, carl Liberty. I'm like, what? She looks at me, she goes, he's free. And I. It made me make more sense of his passing.

[A]

Not in the prison of this.

[B]

He's free, he's safe, he's protecting me. He's looking out for me. And anybody who's really going through addiction and those. I mean, he's been homeless, smoking crack. It's amazing he was even alive this long. He's upstairs. He's with me. I've had signs after signs since he's been gone. It's music usually related, but I carry on. You know who my brother was, which was. He was incredibly hardworking. Would take his shirt off his back for anybody. And I've tried to carry on that energy.

[A]

All your parents must be so happy then.

[B]

Well, they're happy. Like it's a gift that I give my family now, being sober, it was a whirlwind because my mom got married. My brother passes away 10 days later. Four days later, I'm back in Pittsburgh at the funeral, giving a eulogy. My mom just got remarried. I had never met my step siblings until at the funeral.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

So I go to the funeral. My new stepdad, newly married to my mom, and he's got four kids that are there.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

To support us and be there. But I'm like, hi, nice to meet you. Nice to meet. I'm meeting new family at my brother's funeral. So it was just a whirlwind. And I was drinking through all of that.

[A]

Five years ago, six years ago.

[B]

That was five years almost. That was August of 2020. 2020 is when he passed. But that fall, I would sit in my apartment in soho. I called it my fuckboy pad. It was insane there. Bags of coke underneath the bed, bags in the couch. Empty, of course. I would drink and isolate. Yeah, I did that for several months and actually moved out of that apartment because I said to myself, I got to get out of here. So I moved into Lindsay's building because they had good deals during COVID So I get a great deal. And the first thing I said is, I'm not going to do coke in this apartment. I'm not going to drink in this apartment. One day, sitting on my couch, watching the paint dry. And again, in New York, you can get anything delivered in under 30 minutes. Big bottle of wine, two eight balls.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Ready to go. So that's what I did after my brother passed. I grieved by going further into drinking and cocaine use. And that's what led me to that January 6th moment.

[A]

Because you're sober now for five years. I think anyone would give you a lot of grace with that.

[B]

Grace is good. It's hard because I'm really hard on myself. Have I lived the perfect program? No. Is there things I could do more of? Probably. You know, I meet a lot of people.

[A]

Oh. I still talk about the fact that I am not sober anymore. And I feel like I've. And let an incredible amount of people down.

[B]

Give yourself some grace, and you're being so real and honest. You know how many people I think are out there that actually say they're not sober anymore or may look different than what people think? It really is going on. I think what you're doing is so much more important because you're being real. And the success rate of AA is not 99%. I don't want to misquote it, but it's less than 20%.

[A]

I will say I never tried AA. I went to Camden center down the street, but that was a hodgepodge. Depression and alcohol and everything.

[B]

Some of those, like. I don't know. I've heard stories about some of these rehabs that you almost meet more people in there and then.

[A]

Yes. In Beverly Hills, people like me are fed anything that you want. Sorry. Not like hard drugs, but I mean, like a diet thing, the IVs, the this, the that. Everyone thinks they can help you and you. I listen to everybody and meanwhile I have this doctor that's like. That doesn't work. Stop doing that to yourself. It's exhausting to think about. But I. I think when I leave la, I will become fresh and new. But as long as I'm here, I fucking hate it.

[B]

I feel like I've met in New York, at least, interesting people. I'm not telling you that's what you need to do, but for me, I.

[A]

Miss New York so much.

[B]

It's been really cool. Some of the meetings I've been to, people that you would never believe.

[A]

And Carl, you can walk down the street. I can't walk. Like, what the fuck? There's no sidewalks, there's no anything. Everyone's like, what's wrong with you?

[B]

If you're walking in la, someone thinks something's wrong with you.

[A]

It's insane how important it is for, like, your mental health just to get outside and in the sun. And I don't do that.

[B]

You need to do on some hot Chrissy walks. I think you got some hot Chrissy walks in you. You know what you should do?

[A]

Anybody.

[B]

There's a big run club movement happening. Do Chrissy's walk club. You can do your hot walk with Chrissy.

[A]

I do need a walk.

[B]

You could sip on really nice, healthy smoothies out. Yeah, bring the doggies walk. Bring the kids. Walking is something people ask me about because I run a lot.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they're like, well, I don't run. How do I like. I'm like, just start small. Walk.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And a lot of successful healthy people generally are getting outside in the morning and walking or running a lot. And I will say that's what's helped me stay sober, because I get high from running.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's not like coke high. Yeah, that was awesome. Till it wasn't. But the runner's high.

[A]

Also not shitting your pants, though, so that's a plus.

[B]

Chrissy, how many times I shit my pants or peed my pants? I peed the bed one time with a Girl. And I somehow got her to think it was her who peed the bed. And I'm sorry to you, whoever that is.

[A]

Awesome. Well, that's a great way to end it.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And now for the toolkit. Each episode, our guests distill their expertise into practical and actionable insights. Today, Carl shares how to start every morning with a personal win. By doing one simple thing that tells your brain, I'm showing up for myself today.

[B]

Back in, I want to say, season five of Summer House, I had started telling people I was not drinking. I was moderating at the time. But I also had started reading a motivational guy, David Goggins. Kyle Cook goes. I'm going to do my Kyle Cook impression. Yo, dude, you need to like, you should listen to this audiobook. It'll like, really. So I listened to this audiobook and it inspired the fuck out of me. Yeah, David Goggins was a Navy seal. So I had searched online about David Goggins and up pops this other book called make youe Bed. And it's from this admiral and the Navy seals who did a keynote speech at the University of Texas, which turned into a book about the first thing you do when you first wake up is make your bed. It sets the tone for the rest of the day. It's the first thing you accomplish, even small and maybe silly. It's something that in your mind and in your body, it establishes movement and a task. And it's something that I've been doing ever since I got sober on Summer House. I didn't realize it, but it became a thing because our surveillance cameras in our bedroom, people would see me get up, you know, fixing my sheets. And a lot of people are making fun of it early on, not understanding the mental health component.

[A]

It really is such a sign of your morning. There's no fucking way I would wake up hungover and make my day.

[B]

Never would make it. His name is Admiral McRaven and he wrote this really amazing book about just that consistency and waking up in the morning and accomplishing a goal. Even in my hotel room in Beverly Hills, I made the bed.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

You feel organized. And the more you're organized, the more your brain can be free.

[A]

Are you doing Military Corners Hospital?

[B]

No. I mean, my bed doesn't look like Restoration Hardware, but you know, in my own 40 year old way, like, I folded pretty decent. Slight tuck, but not like a Costanza Tuck.

[A]

A military dad must be good then. We must be happy.

[B]

I, you know, love our service members and service women. I come from A background of like.

[A]

I had a Marine dad as well.

[B]

I grew up around that as well. I mean, like alpha stringent. No pain? No.

[A]

Is your dad still alive?

[B]

My dad is still alive. We're very close. Oh, great, great relationship. But he suffered from that military upbringing. There's no crying, there's no pain, no emotion. Hold it all in.

[A]

You're gonna be a really kind father.

[B]

I hope so. I can't wait to have a family. I just gotta meet the right person.

[A]

And your parents are fucking itching.

[B]

Oh, my mom's so ready.

[A]

Carl, thank you so much.

[B]

Thanks for being here today. I love talking to you.

[A]

I love talking to you.

[B]

I applaud everything you're doing. Cause it's not easy. And just being open about your journey and telling you you're helping people because of how raw and honest it is versus like, okay, guys, I'm sober now. Everything's fine.

[A]

Yeah. Thank you for gracing us and letting your lives show on tv. All mistakes, flaws, everything. So thank you, Carl. Thank you for joining me. Today on Self Conscious, Carl Radke's Cake Eater is available on Audible. Until then, tune in, turn on and feel better. This is Chrissy Teigen and you've been listening listening to Self Conscious, an Audible original podcast. This has been an Audible original produced by Audible, Q Code and Huntley Productions, hosted by Chrissy Teigen, Written and executive produced by Jimmy Jelinek, executive producers for Q Code, Shen Yen Hu and Alexa Gabrielle Ramirez, executive producer for Huntley Productions, Chrissy Teigen, executive producers for Audible, Andy Beckerman and Stacy Creamer. Recorded and engineered by Ben Milchev. Filmed by Bridger Clements production coordinator Brian Coulter. Edited, mixed and mastered by Ben Milchev, Head of creative development at Audible, Kate Navin Chief Content Officer Rachel Gyazza. Copyright 2024 by Audible Originals, LLC. Sound recording Copyright 2025 by Audible Original.