Podcast Summary

Self-Conscious with Chrissy Teigen
Episode: Dr. Gabor Mate: Your Pain Is a Normal Response To An Abnormal World
Date: November 13, 2025
Host: Chrissy Teigen
Guest: Dr. Gabor Maté

Episode Overview

This episode features an in-depth and vulnerable conversation between Chrissy Teigen and renowned author and physician Dr. Gabor Maté, centering on Dr. Maté’s influential ideas about trauma, addiction, and the often toxic expectations of modern society. They explore “the myth of normal,” the root causes of addiction, the nature of trauma, generational patterns, and how to move toward healing as individuals and families. Chrissy shares her personal experiences with addiction and childhood trauma, with Dr. Maté guiding her through moments of introspection and self-compassion.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The “Myth of Normal” (02:14–04:15)

• Main Idea:
  Dr. Maté explains that what societies consider “normal” is frequently neither healthy nor natural.
• Key Insights:
  • There's a clinical sense of "normal" (healthy, natural range) vs. a social sense (what we're accustomed to).
  • Practices like spanking children were once normalized, though never healthy.
  • Many who are labeled "abnormal" (addicts, mentally ill) are simply displaying very normal responses to abnormal, harmful circumstances.
  • “The myth of normal is when we confuse what we’re used to with what is healthy and natural.” — Dr. Gabor Maté (03:24)

2. Addiction as Adaptive, Not Defining (04:15–06:11)

• Main Idea:
  Addiction is a coping mechanism, not a person’s identity.
• Key Insights:
  • The term “addict” describes a pattern of behavior, not a human’s essence.
  • All addictions, from substances to behaviors, serve to numb pain or distress.
  • Choice of addiction is affected by both what one seeks to suppress and what’s accessible.
  • “Nobody is an addict. I have behaved in addictive ways. ...That’s not who we are.” — Dr. Gabor Maté (05:02)

3. Chrissy’s Personal Story & The Roots of Shame (06:17–10:17)

• Chrissy’s Vulnerability:
  • Recounts periods of cocaine and opioid use, differentiating public struggles (alcohol) from concealed ones (opioids).
  • Expresses the burden of becoming “the person that had everything” in public discourse (abuse, addiction, etc.).
• Dr. Maté’s Guidance:
  • Invites Chrissy to slow down and explore her present emotions (shame at hiding addiction).
  • Reveals that “the shame came before you even behaved in those ways”—rooted in earlier trauma, not later actions.
  • “There’s a double standard that you judge yourself harsher than you judge other people. ...That itself is a sign of trauma.” — Dr. Gabor Maté (09:07)

4. Compassion and Parenting Cycles (10:28–12:22)

• Key Concepts:
  • Difficulty offering oneself compassion often stems from not having received it as a child.
  • This is not the individual’s fault but a function of unmet childhood needs, a wound rather than a failing.
  • Chrissy reflects on the compassion she wishes to give her own children, realizing she cannot blame herself for what she didn’t receive.

5. Defining Trauma (12:42–14:02)

• Dr. Maté’s Definition:
  • Trauma is not the event but “the wound that hasn’t healed.”
  • Trauma is the internal impact—the persistent pain or the defenses one adopts.
  • Unhealed trauma lives in our triggers, defenses, and emotional patterns.
  • “Trauma is not what happened to you. Trauma is what happened inside you as a result of what happened to you.” — Dr. Gabor Maté (12:47)

6. The Experience of Not Being Seen or Believed (14:13–16:36)

• Chrissy’s Story:
  • Shares about disclosing sexual abuse and feeling nothing changed, accentuating feelings of not being seen or validated.
• Dr. Maté’s Insight:
  • Links Chrissy’s present lack of self-belief and self-validation to this wound—reiterating that self-doubt is not failure but consequence.

7. Emotional Numbing and Survival Mechanisms (15:46–16:36)

• Key Points:
  • Emotional numbness is a self-protective adaptation against overwhelming pain.
  • It’s possible to re-access and feel those blocked emotions through therapy and support.
  • Chrissy expresses fears about not recalling memories accurately—Dr. Maté emphasizes that the absence of memory is often itself a sign of overwhelming pain.

8. Explicit vs. Implicit Memory and Behavioral Clues (18:36–22:17)

• Dr. Maté’s Explanation:
  • Not remembering childhood can mean “either nothing happened or too much happened.”
  • There are implicit (emotional) memories that guide feelings and behaviors even when events can’t be recalled.
  • Indicators like chronic bed-wetting or attention issues (shared by both Chrissy and Dr. Maté) often trace back to early environmental stress.

9. The Importance of Being Seen (24:36–26:24)

• Insight:
  • Parental love is not always equivalent to being truly seen and emotionally safe.
  • Chrissy shares her close bond with her mother, but acknowledges she “was loved, but [was] not seen.”
  • “Not being seen is traumatic.” — Dr. Gabor Maté (25:02)

10. Motherhood, Blame, & Generational Patterns (26:29–29:54)

• Discussion:
  • Explores why mothers play such a foundational emotional role, and why blame is unhelpful—the real focus should be understanding and breaking transgenerational cycles.
  • Mutual recognition: parents do their best, but unhealed wounds can persist.

11. Accepting That Children May Need to Talk About Us in Therapy (29:54–31:24)

• Dr. Maté’s Perspective:
  • It can be healthy for children to process their feelings—even anger—about parents.
  • Validates that parents often feel anxious about being discussed, but what's important is their children’s understanding and self-awareness.

12. Intergenerational Healing & Validation (31:10–32:06)

• Key Takeaway:
  • By working on oneself as a parent, one gives children a crucial gift.
  • Chrissy reflects that if her mother had shown self-awareness, it would have validated her as a child.
  • “You’re already giving your kids something that you never got.” — Dr. Gabor Maté (32:01)

13. Family Healing and Cultural Barriers (32:06–35:53)

• Barriers:
  • Chrissy raises the challenge of initiating difficult conversations in families unused to such openness—feeling responsibility for her mother’s healing, not just her own.
• Dr. Maté’s Response:
  • Emphasizes self-focus: “As long as you keep putting on the focus on your mother’s healing, you’re neglecting yourself.”
  • Introduces the term “codependent”—parent-child roles sometimes reversed under trauma.
  • Reassures Chrissy that true healing is always possible, and she’s far ahead in her journey.

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• The Myth of Normal and Collective Wounds:
  • “People that we think are abnormal, actually very normal people responding to abnormal circumstances.” — Dr. Gabor Maté (03:50)
• Addiction as a Response to Pain:
  • “Addictions represent always a desperate attempt to escape from human pain, some kind of suffering.” — Dr. Gabor Maté (05:00)
• On Shame and Self-Compassion:
  • “Do you notice that you’re harder on yourself than you’re on somebody else?...that itself is a sign of trauma.” — Dr. Gabor Maté (09:00)
• On Not Remembering Childhood:
  • “If you don’t remember, there are two possibilities. Either nothing happened or too much happened.” — Dr. Gabor Maté (18:43)
• On Parenting and Generational Healing:
  • “You’re giving your kids something that you never got.” — Dr. Gabor Maté (32:01)
• On the Futility of Blame:
  • “Blame is just useless. ...Can we understand things without blaming?” — Dr. Gabor Maté (29:26)
• On Agency and Boundaries:
  • “Between the stimulus and the response, there’s a gap. And in that gap is our freedom to choose our response.” — Dr. Gabor Maté (Rollo May, quoted, 39:23)
• On Parental Codependence:
  • “The codependent...every time you try and talk about them, they start thinking about the other person.” — Dr. Gabor Maté (34:15)

Toolkit: Dr. Gabor Maté’s Four (Five) A’s of Healing (36:47–44:05)

1. Authenticity

   • Being true to oneself; not sacrificing identity for acceptance
   • “The biggest trauma is that disconnection from ourselves in order to be acceptable to the world.”

2. Agency

   • The power to make choices in one’s own life, not just react automatically

3. Anger

   • Allowing healthy anger as a boundary-setting tool (“No, stop it, this far and no further”); suppression of anger can lead to depression and illness

4. Acceptance

   • Recognizing and being with reality as it is—not approving, but acknowledging the facts of one’s life

5. Awareness (added at the end)

   • Staying open to one’s own feelings, reactions, and truth; not self-consciousness, but self-awareness

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Defining the Myth of Normal: 02:14–04:15
• Addiction and Language: 04:15–06:11
• Chrissy’s Shame and Personal Story: 06:17–10:17
• Defining Trauma: 12:42–14:02
• Memory and Childhood Experiences: 18:36–22:17
• Being Seen vs. Unseen by Parents: 24:36–26:24
• Breaking Generational Patterns: 29:54–32:06
• Dr. Maté’s 5 A’s of Healing: 36:47–44:05

Conclusion

This episode offers an honest, compassionate, and enlightening dialogue on trauma, addiction, self-judgment, and the path to authentic healing. Dr. Gabor Maté’s presence, empathy, and lived wisdom provide both comfort and challenge, while Chrissy Teigen’s vulnerability makes the exploration deeply relatable. The episode closes with practical tools for healing as Dr. Maté introduces his “four A’s”—authenticity, agency, anger, and acceptance (plus awareness)—leaving listeners with both insight and hope.