Podcast Summary: Self-Conscious with Chrissy Teigen

Episode: Elizabeth Gilbert: How to Stop Losing Yourself in Someone Else

Release Date: December 4, 2025
Host: Chrissy Teigen
Guest: Elizabeth Gilbert

Overview

This episode dives deep into the challenges of losing oneself in relationships, codependency, and the journey to reclaiming autonomy and self-love. Chrissy Teigen hosts renowned author Elizabeth Gilbert, known for Eat, Pray, Love, to discuss Gilbert’s raw new memoir All the Way to the River. Together, they explore addiction, codependency, boundaries, surrender, and Gilbert’s path to emotional sobriety following her relationship with artist Rayya Elias. The discussion is honest, sometimes painful, but ultimately hopeful—packed with insights, anecdotes, and Gilbert’s actionable self-love practice.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Story Behind All the Way to the River

• Theme: The memoir recounts Gilbert’s long friendship and intense romantic relationship with Raya Elias, including Elias’s terminal illness, addiction relapse, and their codependent dynamic.

• Gilbert admits she still questions her “readiness” to share this raw story:

  "I still don't know if I'm ready and the book's been out for two months...it's stripped down, almost painful in its honesty." (02:00)

• As Rayya faced terminal cancer, Gilbert confessed her love, leading to life-altering decisions and a plunge into codependency and enabling.

2. Understanding Codependency & Surrender

• Codependent Patterns: Gilbert describes a lifelong compulsion to “control others, smooth things over, and people-please” as a survival mechanism:

  "My job is to become incredibly vigilant and to be aware of what every single person within a 10 mile radius is thinking and feeling...a full time job I’ve had my whole life." (04:50)

• On Surrender vs. Control:

  "I can't survive unless I surrender...my serenity is dependent upon my surrender, which is a real blow to my ego." (05:45-06:52)

• Notable Quote:

  “Show me three people who are pleased with you.” (06:47, Gilbert quoting a meme on people-pleasing)

• Addiction Framing: Surrender is likened to an “ego collapse”—a crucial, though painful, step for true transformation.

3. Love Addiction & Emotional Sobriety

• Gilbert on Love Addiction:

  "My drug for my entire life has been lava: love, attention, validation and approval...for women, this is incredibly common. That's what I've used my entire life to medicate my unbearable psychic pain." (09:12-10:50)

• She describes “using people as drugs” for emotional regulation, explaining how she’d engulf herself in relationships—sometimes losing her entire sense of self.

• Blackout Codependency:

  "I'm capable of meeting somebody and within two weeks moving them into my home...then waking up often months into this thing...where am I? What just happened to my entire life?" (12:58)

• Recognizing the “Invisible Line” of Addiction: Recovery means learning to notice when thinking spins into obsession, when need distorts into unhealthy dependency.

4. The Challenges of Boundary-Setting & Healing

• Cultural & Gendered Pressures:

  “A lot of women struggle with the absence of a core self...in a culture that tells you that you are only what you are in relation to others.” (16:44)

• Chrissy Teigen and Gilbert bond over seeking external validation—from individual relationships to the opinions of complete strangers (17:07-18:32).

• Emotional Sobriety Defined:

  "To me, what emotional sobriety is, is: oh, I'm experiencing anger. And that's what's happening. Nothing needs to be done about that." (18:41)

• Both discuss how, for years, substances or relationships were a way to take away feelings—recovery means actually sitting with emotions.

5. Recovery in Practice: Seeking Help & Breaking the Cycle

• Gilbert recounts her lowest point: enabling Rayya’s addiction as she lay dying, feeling trapped and powerless.

  “I thought I should kill her...or I could just kill myself. I see no escape from this hell.” (26:00)

• This moment led to a spiritual awakening and the realization she needed help:

  "If you're ever...giving consideration to killing another person or yourself, there's a pretty good chance you've reached the end of your power. Maybe you should call somebody and ask for help." (28:18)

• She vulnerably describes reaching out—calling everyone she knew connected to addiction—and finally setting boundaries, which allowed both her and Rayya to find peace differently.

6. Practical Tools: Dating Plans and Self-Love Letters

• Dating Plan:

  • Gilbert describes her strict, recovery-designed approach to dating: short, structured dates, checking in with a sponsor, no intense texting, staged progress to build a real connection.

  • “No week-long first dates...Because what's gonna happen is we're gonna start love bombing each other by text and I can fall in love...and never know who they are.” (35:38-36:20)

• Letters from Love:

  • Daily self-compassion writing practice—write letters from the perspective of perfect, unconditional love to oneself.

  • "Just to imagine if perfect, unconditional love existed. What would love tell me? The letter was essentially like, hi sweetheart...I'm right here with you and I'm never, ever going to leave you. You're perfect and I love you." (39:48-40:30)

  • Prompt: "Dear Love, what would you have me know today?" (40:45)

  • “I don't need you to feel better. I know you want to feel better, but I don't need you to improve for me to love you.” (41:12)

• Chrissy’s Reflection: She finds the practice deeply approachable and “like speaking to God but without pretension or requirements.” (43:16)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On surrender:

  "There's a higher power governing the universe whose name isn't Liz." (06:09)

• On emotional self-reliance:

  "A sober day for me as a sex and love addict in recovery is any day where I'm not using another human being the way that I used to use people as drugs." (11:20)

• On boundary-setting:

  “You can’t do anything about what she’s doing, but you are about to break, and you need to take care of yourself, which is always the last idea that a codependent has.” (30:51)

• On love as God:

  “I love framing it in this way of love...no religion is needed to do this. Love really does transcend all of that.” (43:16, 43:37)

Timeline & Timestamps

• [02:00] – Gilbert on readiness for radical honesty in All the Way to the River
• [05:45-06:52] – Surrendering control, ego collapse, and Bill W’s concept
• [09:12-10:50] – Defining love addiction and “lava”
• [12:58] – “Blackout” codependency described
• [16:44] – Loss of self and cultural expectations for women
• [18:41] – Emotional sobriety is not fixing feelings
• [26:00] – Suicidal/codependent crisis and turning point
• [30:51] – Advice from those in recovery; importance of self-care
• [35:38] – Gilbert’s “dating plan” in addiction recovery
• [39:48] – Introduction of “Letters from Love” practice
• [43:16, 43:37] – Letters from Love as a spiritual, non-religious practice

Practical Takeaways

Gilbert’s “Letters from Love” Exercise (39:48–43:10)

• Prompt: Write daily: "Dear Love, what would you have me know today?"
• Imagine unconditional love addressing you directly with compassion and reassurance.
• This practice soothes self-criticism, reduces loneliness, and builds self-parenting skills.

Setting Boundaries in Recovery (35:38–37:59)

• Script structured, gradual approaches to new relationships (short dates, personal check-ins, time apart, limited texting, observing authentic behaviors).
• Key: Keep growing one’s own independent life outside of a partner.

Tone & Style

The episode is candid, vulnerable, and marked by emotional intelligence and humor. Both Chrissy and Liz foster a camaraderie of self-examination and mutual support. The discussion is frank about shame, pain, and loss—but also gently affirming, focused on hope, growth, and the real work of finding wholeness.

Final Thoughts

This rich, emotionally charged conversation offers practical wisdom for anyone who’s ever lost themselves in another—whether through love, addiction, or codependency. Gilbert’s hard-won insights—and her accessible self-love ritual—offer listeners real tools for reclaiming emotional autonomy and cultivating profound self-kindness.

For further reading/listening:

• Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir, All the Way to the River is available on Audible.