← Self-Conscious with Chrissy Teigen
Self-Conscious with Chrissy Teigen
Elyse Meyers: Anxiety, Neurodivergence, and Learning to Live with Your Whole Self
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- [00:03]
A
You're listening to Self Conscious with Chrissy Teigen, an Audible original podcast. Join me as we explore the cutting edge of health, wellness, and personal growth with the world's leading experts and thinkers. From inspiring stories to actionable insights, our conversations aim to help you lead a healthier, happier, and more productive life.
- [00:27]
You know that feeling when you replay something embarrassing you did 10 years ago and sudden blushing in the middle of the grocery store? Yeah. Elise Meyers built an entire career out of that. She's the Internet's best friend, the one who tells the awkward story first so you don't feel so alone. She's the woman who accidentally bought 100 tacos on a first date, filmed it, and turned that moment into a brand new way of being honest. Online. Elise's new memoir is called that's a Great Question, I'd Love to Tell youl. And it's full of short stories, poems and drawings about anxiety, motherhood, love, shame, and that time tiny voice inside your head that always asks, wait, am I the weird one? What I love about Elise is she doesn't try to fix that voice. She just turns into something funny, real and kind. She's proof that embarrassment isn't the end of a story. It's just the beginning of connection. Today we talk about why she wrote this book for people who overthink everything, what it's like to do things scared, and how learning to laugh at yourself can be the most healing thing you do. Elise Myers, welcome to Self Conscious.
- [01:46]
Thank you for being here today.
- [01:48]
B
I'm honored.
- [01:49]
A
You live in Nebraska?
- [01:50]
B
I do, yeah.
- [01:50]
A
So you're on a book tour now, though?
- [01:52]
B
I am, yes. I think this is my sixth or seventh stop.
- [01:55]
A
Yeah.
- [01:55]
B
Yeah.
- [01:56]
A
Great.
- [01:56]
B
It's going great. There's so many people and it's like every single place it resets, they're so kind. And I think that there's a process too in it where you have to learn how to not walk away from every interaction feeling like I'm now wearing your entire life on my body.
- [02:11]
A
Is there something that people seem to be bringing up more than anything else?
- [02:16]
B
A lot of people are fascinated with my neurodivergence. I don't explicitly outline it in the book, but they feel it, especially if they are neurodivergent. They see how afraid I am sometimes to connect to people in my story and how I would immediately just like, if someone got too close, I would like, run away with my husband. I physically would run away from him because I could not fathom that somebody could see all of me at once and want to stay. Like, I just. That didn't make any sense to me. And so it's really special. Cause we do, like, a Q and A in the tour, as well as just everything in the book. It's a story of me learning to fall in love with, staying alive in the place I'm in, with the person that I love, that loves me all the way, and is gonna be here all the time no matter what. People walk up and they're just like, thank you so much for just sharing that story. Because I see so much of myself in it. It gets scary to share those because you're like, is what I'm saying important? And do people want to listen to it? But it really blows my mind, and it makes all of that kind of worth it. So it's been really special.
- [03:12]
A
Did something happen when you were younger? Like, did you get used to the thought that when something good happened, it might be taken away from you or something or.
- [03:20]
B
Yeah, I think that a lot of my childhood experiences were. I mean, my brain has so much proof of that, just with different things I've been through. And so when your brain has enough proof, it solidifies that, and you have to unlearn it. And so I got a call that I was a New York Times bestseller, by the way. Very exciting. Congratulations.
- [03:35]
A
That's amazing. Thank you.
- [03:37]
B
But in the call, I watched it back, and I wanted to, like, cry a little, because one of my first questions was, can anyone undo this?
- [03:44]
A
Yeah.
- [03:44]
B
Can anyone take this away, or is this forever? And everyone kept having to say, like, this is forever. No matter what, you will always have been a New York Times bestseller. And that was when I just started to bawl because I was like, no one can take this away from. I did this for myself, and you can't undo it. I have a lot of experience with dealing with that trauma, with bad news, but I'm learning now that, like, I'm going to have to learn how to undo that with good news, which is beautiful.
- [04:08]
A
Your book is called that's a Great Question. I'd love to tell you, which is something you say a lot online.
- [04:14]
B
Yes.
- [04:15]
A
How did turning that phrase into an actual mindset help you tell your story?
- [04:23]
B
What's funny, the phrase came from me wanting people to know right out of the gate what they were going to get with me. And so I would start a video of, like, you know, what's the worst date I've ever been on? That's a great question. I'd love to tell you. Because I didn't ever want to make content where people were waiting for a punchline that they just. Then the payoff at the end was like, ugh, I wasted three minutes for this. I hate that feeling. But that's also very indicative of who I am as a person. It's like, I'm just gonna give you way too much right at the start. If you don't like it, great. You're not my audience. Maybe we're incompatible. But, like, I just don't wanna waste your time. But also, I just don't wanna feel like I'm giving you a version of myself that isn't real. And so that phrase to me is just, here's everything, take it or leave it. And then to be able to title my book that is special because I got to tell my story in a way where it's like, it's not memoir.
- [05:06]
A
Y.
- [05:06]
B
Like, technically, I think it'd be considered a memoir or something like that. Cause it's nonfiction about my life. But, you know, like, when you're on a first date and you're telling people a bunch of stories about your life, and you're like, I know these don't seem like they make much sense together, but then the person that you're on a date with ends up being your person forever. All those little stories, like, make sense in light of them and their love for you. And, like, when you find your forever, you both spend the rest of your life looking backwards and being like, oh, I remember this. And, like, now I've changed and grown so much with this. And so this book feels like I start with, like, that's a great question. I'd love to tell you. Here's everything I am. And then random, random, random stories. And then the last half of the book is how I found my husband. And callbacks to all the stories in the beginning of the book.
- [05:43]
A
So tell me how you met Jonas, then. Is he. Where. Where did he grow up?
- [05:47]
B
We met in Australia, So we were going to school in Australia. Same school, separate campuses. So we would have never come across each other because, like, it was, like, 45 minutes away. But you didn't have a car.
- [05:57]
A
So where in Australia?
- [05:58]
B
Sydney. Australia. I missed my train. I had to have a friend drive me. And I also left my dinner at home. And so we had to stop into a grocery store. And so my dinner, I went to a meat counter, and I was ordering, like, a kilo of roast beef and, like, an entire bag of cashews. And I was gonna eat all of them. And that was my Dinner. And my friend that I was with ended up having two friends walk up and they started talking. And me and this guy named Jonas was across from me and we were just talking in front of meat.
- [06:24]
A
And he's like, that's a lot of roast beef.
- [06:26]
B
Well, kinda. But I was like, this is a lot of roast beef. And I didn't feel self conscious about this at all until this man walked up and we were talking and he's like. I'm like, what are you getting? He's like, salami. And I was like, oh, cool. And I was like. I was like, what are you? Pasta salad. I forgot the most important ingredient of pasta salad. And I was like, isn't it the most important ingredient, the pasta? He's like, no, the pasta's a given. The salami is what makes it special. And I was like.
- [06:52]
And so the thing is, I was dating someone at the time. And so the really, the only thing I remembered that was like so beautiful about the interaction because I was actively trying to not clock it as anything special, you know, he was wearing what I call house clothes, but like clothes that you wear when you go home, but they're not pajamas. That kind of vibe. And I had just gotten done off of a break where I. I wear house clothes everywhere. And I got made fun of in the grocery store. Cause people apparently had this weird thing with fashion where it's like, just cause I can dress nice doesn't mean I have to. I'm just running to go to the grocery store. And so I love that he was himself. And I just kept thinking about that.
- [07:27]
A
He's American though.
- [07:28]
B
He's American. He's from Kansas. Yeah, but he walked away with his friend and I walked away with mine. And his friend goes, geez, why don't you marry her already? And he goes, maybe I will. And then he looked me up and I had a boyfriend. But one of the stories in the book is called maybe I Will. And it's how it loops around to like, I didn't know that interaction happened. And I was like again, looping back to like every good thing that happens. I'm trying to run away from it. I physically. I drove 12 hours. We were long distance to see him. Then I see him finally in the parking lot and I start running away. My brain just short circuited and was like, this is actually. No, you should just be afraid of this. I ran away. He picks me up, puts me over his shoulder and walks me back to my car. He's like, you can go back home if you want, but I'm not gonna let you run into a field of mice. Like, that's not gonna happen. And I'm like, I just don't understand. Like, how are you so sure about me? You've only known me for like, five seconds. Like, how do you know? How do you know? And he's like, do you want to know what I said immediately after I met you, before I found out you had a boyfriend? And he explained. And he's like, I tried so many people in my mind and, like, none of them were worth wanting to spend the rest of my life with. And he's like, as soon as my friend was like, marry her already, he was like, maybe I will. And like, how are you so sure? And from the moment I met him, he's like, not aggressive, but, like, I will keep being here until you tell me not to be. I'm not gonna let you ruin this for yourself because I know you're happy in this, but tell me the word and I'll go. So I broke up with my boyfriend four or five months after that. And then we went six months without seeing each other. We were doing this conference together with students volunteer, and he had gone online to message me about conference or something, and he saw I was single. And then he immediately was like, it's on, it's on. So he asked me on a date at some point if, like, we got some time off, we could go to the little coffee shop next to the venue. And it never ended up working. And he goes, well, maybe you can just move to Omaha then. And I go, yeah, maybe. And by the way, that screenshot's hanging in our home in Omaha right now. But we ended up going our separate ways. He went to Paris for four weeks. And, like, we're not dating. We're just like. He just got my number and he just kept FaceTiming me. We FaceTimed the whole time he was in Europe. I went home to California.
- [09:32]
A
What was he studying?
- [09:33]
B
It was kind of like a Christian school at the time. So I think he was like pastoral ministry. And I was doing songwriting. But he's an incredible musician and vocalist. Like, oh, my gosh, his voice is just like butter. I love it. He went back to Kansas. Then after Europe, I went to California, then moved to Texas, and then we did long distance there. And that was that 12 hour drive. We would do that for a bit. Turns out I hated school, was bad at it, dropped out and moved to Omaha. It wasn't like a boy or school thing. It's just Like, I know I don't want to do this, and so I'm not going to delay being with you any longer, and I can figure this out when I get there. We were engaged that weekend and married six months later.
- [10:04]
A
Oh, my gosh. Wait, how long after you started dating.
- [10:07]
B
Were you engaged six months, and then married six months after that.
- [10:10]
A
Oh, wow. Yeah.
- [10:14]
You've said those living with ADHD and anxiety shape how you see the world. How do those experiences show up in your writing?
- [10:24]
B
Oh, my gosh. I mean, it's, like, laced into every sentence.
- [10:27]
A
When were you diagnosed?
- [10:29]
B
I was diagnosed at 16. Okay. I was in inpatient rehab for an eating disorder when I was, like, young, like, high school, like, sophomore year. I spent, like, the last few months of my sophomore year in this facility, but I didn't know at the time. I was, like, neurodivergent as. And so when I was going into the outpatient, kind of, you kind of, like, taper off and you get integrated back into your normal life. I had a psychologist who was like, I know this is gonna kind of seem out of left field, but have you ever tested your daughter for adhd? And this was back before, like, people, it was like, no one talked about this. Girls, like, didn't have ADHD kind of a thing. Like, we're just. It was just harder to diagnose. It just wasn't. And my family was like, no. And I obviously was, like, heavy on the H. Like, very hyperacular. I was. But he goes, I know it's hard because she is coming out of this treatment, but I think that a small stimulant will change her life radically. And so I got diagnosed and off the charts with the scores, and I got medicated, and my entire life changed. It was like, for the very first time, everything was quiet, and I could focus on a conversation. I can sit here with you, and your voice is louder than the 20,000 in my head. They're not gone, but, like, I can hear you, and I can ask you questions, and I can listen and remember. And I just remember thinking, like, I'm not stupid. I'm failing school. But not. Because I can't figure it out. I am not the problem here. I just am in a system that is not built for me and around me.
- [11:57]
A
Was it hard for you to retain information? Like, you were just, like, in and out?
- [12:01]
B
Yeah, I mean, it was kind of like the same. Of, like, the information like a rock skipping on the top of water. Like, it touched my brain but didn't sink. So I could Remember things short term, but I felt constantly forgetting. I would study so hard. I would, like, stay up all night studying and I would be like, falling asleep on my desk the next day. People thought I was lazy and that I just should, you know, I just wasn't smart, like all of it. And I just realized that it wasn't my fault. It wasn't for lack of trying. It made me angry, I think too, when I got diagnosed as autistic a couple years ago, like, how did anyone miss this? It was your job not to miss this. It was. Actually. That's your only job. And I know that as a parent. I don't wanna put any shame on my parents. It's just like, I just. I'm trying to do everything I possibly can for my kiddos. Let me give you every resource I possibly can so that you know yourself well and that your life can be designed around you to where you win. I just want that for you so badly. All of those diagnoses kind of made me look back and it's like, man, I didn't have what I needed in that way. And it made me, like, sad for younger Elise, but also so thrilled that now, like, I can make those decisions and change my life around me and be medicated and get all those tools to help me going.
- [13:13]
A
How old are your boys?
- [13:14]
B
Almost five, but four and two.
- [13:16]
A
Oh, wow. I have a two year old downstairs.
- [13:18]
B
Isn't two the best? Really?
- [13:21]
A
I think it's the yummiest, best age. I love you though, for saying that. I know I'm rare in loving that age.
- [13:27]
B
Well, the twos. It's like my two year old is a different case. He had open heart surgery when he was four months old. It was like a whole thing. Yeah, he's. As if nothing was ever wrong now. But we found a heart murmur when he was four months, so he had to be on a medication every four hours so we'd have to wake him up in the middle of the night.
- [13:45]
A
Oh, my God.
- [13:46]
B
For like a literal year, we were like, just every four hours.
- [13:49]
A
When something like that happens to you, are you like me where you try to like, lead with humor and like, oh, God, of course this happened to us.
- [13:56]
B
I mean, yeah, usually that's kind of how I would do it, but there was no way to make it funny, which I really struggled with. And I mean, you can with your own person. Like Jonas and I found humor in little moments like that. But mostly I was just scared.
- [14:09]
A
That's your papa, that's your baby.
- [14:10]
B
Totally. And so I Retreated. To be honest, I took a break online. I stopped posting. I took all my stuff online.
- [14:17]
A
Did you lose your creativity because you felt like probably so much of your brain was being dedicated to your son at that point?
- [14:23]
B
I think it's very hard to be creative when you're in a place of fear. But I was already working on my book when this happened. I was five months pregnant when I sold the book, and I was writing the manuscript for it, and then I had to pull away. And I remember writing this book on my iPhone while Oliver was healing. So I had just finished. This is not going to be a sentimental answer. It's great.
- [14:45]
A
Even better.
- [14:48]
B
Okay, so there's a story in the book where I accidentally made friends with a male prostitute in Paris. And I thought I had picked up for some reason.
- [14:57]
A
I was like, Neo Nazi. Just, like the immediate thing that I thought. But male prostitutes?
- [15:01]
B
No. Yeah. I was at a bar and this man walks up, he's like, do you want some company? And I was like, yes. And I didn't realize that specific bar with that specific phrase with someone like me that was younger and like, a college student is like, the perfect recipe for, like, I'm gonn to take you home now. Yes.
- [15:16]
A
What did he look like?
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B
Okay.
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A
Was he hot?
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B
Yes.
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A
Okay.
- [15:20]
B
White button. I call him White Button up in this story. But he had, like a waxed chest, like, button down to his, like, second row of abs. He looked like Princess Ariel. Sorry, Little Mermaids. The guy.
- [15:31]
A
Yeah, yeah.
- [15:31]
B
Eric or Princess Eric. Princess Eric or something, whatever. He looked like that 100%. Like, the most at that point, the most beautiful human being. Like a model. So I was riding to the point where we were. Basically the point where we left the bar onwards was when I was in the hospital kind of finishing that story. And you know how, like, I wrote this, like, guide? Cause there's a lot of illustrations in it. Cause I'm a very visual person. And so I wanted to show in my brain what was happening when the moment was happening, where, like, you know, when you have those glances, there's, like, videos about it. But, like, girls have glances, right? Where it's like, one's like, save me. One's like, one's like, this is very good. Don't interrupt me. And one's like, we're gonna talk about this later. I like, drew out this comprehensive guide of glances with the images and what they mean and different little, like, micro expressions. While my son's, like, healing from open heart surgery and my husband's across from me going That's. Do that. Yes. That's really good. And it was like. It was just this lightness I really needed. But in that moment, I was just gonna say it was really fun. Yeah. That was kind of what I was doing at the time.
- [16:28]
A
Wait, are you fluent in French?
- [16:30]
B
No, I used to be. Not anymore. I let it go after that.
- [16:33]
A
Unpack this male sex worker.
- [16:36]
B
I wish I could.
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A
That's what we have to say now.
- [16:39]
B
I wish I could. So I was sitting at the bar. He comes up next to me, and he goes, would you like any company? And I go, mm, I would from you. Yes, I would. And we had a group of friends that were together. And meanwhile, was he French or was he French? Yes, yes, yes.
- [16:55]
A
Cause in my mind, he's, like, this Romanian dude. I watch a lot of 90 Day Fiance.
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B
Oh, yeah. So I like to learn about types that, yeah, French, but, like, also, like, spoke English, but, like, didn't know. Obviously knew I spoke English, but started in French. And I was, like, trying to have this, like, very light conversation. I was like, I wish I would have studied more. Like, this is, like, when I would want to know French. So he, like, transitioned into English. And then I realized all my friends are, like, like, about to be blackout. Because, like, you didn't have enough money, so it's like, either you drank or you ate.
- [17:20]
A
So you had friends there, though?
- [17:21]
B
Well, yeah, we were all in a cohort. So, like, all of us were at this bar. That's why the glances thing comes into play. But, like, so we're at this bar, my friends are like, we need food. So there's, like, a pizza place next to it. I didn't have money to pay for the pizza, but I didn't also want him to know I didn't have money to pay for the pizza.
- [17:36]
A
Are you expected to pay for him? Like, if you wanted the company? Like, do you already start having to pay?
- [17:40]
B
Well, I don't know. I don't know. Cause I don't know he's an escort yet. And so I'm just, like, trying to figure out how to not be embarrassed in front of this very beautiful man that probably has enough money to pay for a pizza. And he, like, ends up buying me a piece. And I was like, he likes me. Like, this is a date. And so then we all, like, are walking back to the dorm, and all of our friends are up in the front, and I'm, like, talking to him. And it was, like, successful interaction with the opposite sex that I usually don't have. And I Was so proud of myself. And I was like, maybe I did just need to run away to another country to become a new person. Right? I ramble on about how he kind of reminds me of a Ken doll. And then. And I'm like, do you even know what a Ken doll is? I'll show you. So I go to get my phone out of my pocket, but I'm like. Like, word vomit. Like, avalanche. Like, I cannot stop it. And I know the only thing that's gonna stop it is, like, pulling out my phone and changing the state and be like, here's a Ken doll. He, like, tries to stop me because he's. I think he's at this point, like, this is a lie.
- [18:33]
A
You're back at the dorms now.
- [18:34]
B
We're still walking. Yeah. He, like, puts his hand on my hand to, like, stop me from pulling my phone out. To, like, continue this line of thinking. And then he kind of, like, holds it. Or, like, I don't know, maybe I held it thinking he was holding my hand. I'm not. Honestly, that's probably what it was. But he, like, stays holding my hand. And I was like, I'm not crazy. I'm not making this up. Like, he, like, oh, my gosh. And he goes, do you want to pay, like, now or later? You don't even done anything. I'm going to pay you back for the pizza when I get to the room. Dude, we've already talked about this. Like, I already told you I'm going to pay you back for the pizza. And he goes, no, for the sex. And I go, what do you mean? What do you mean? And so in the book, there's two full pages of me just saying, oh, my God, that increasingly gets larger in size because I realized. And all my friends now, so we were, like, separate. But now we're waiting at this light, so we're all, like, right there, and I. I immediately understand what's happening. And I just go, like, there's been a misunderstanding.
- [19:29]
A
Oh, my God.
- [19:30]
B
He's like, there's no misunderstanding. I ask you if you want company, you say, yes. You say you'll pay me in the room. I walk you back. There's no misunderstanding. I missed so many, like, so many context clues. And he, like, spits on my. He, like, not on me, but he, like, takes a big. Like, he spits to the left. I felt bad I wasted his time. I'm genuinely so apologetic. He really went all in on this. If I had money in my pocket, I would have paid him. Only because I Like, felt so bad.
- [19:59]
A
For wasting his time. Yes.
- [20:01]
B
You're a valuable human being. You could have been making money, and I. How am I to do this? Like, steal this from you?
- [20:07]
A
How much would it be if you had money to do everything you did without sex?
- [20:12]
B
Like, just for a night of pizza? We would have to call him. I don't know. I feel like people would do that.
- [20:17]
A
Oh, my God.
- [20:18]
B
I mean, I've seen Pretty Woman. I think she's. What was it?
- [20:20]
A
Oh, God. Yeah.
- [20:21]
B
Just 100 an hour and, like, 300 for the night. I just watched it.
- [20:24]
A
A lot of dudes just want the company, honestly.
- [20:26]
B
And apparently it makes sense. I love company. This was also 2011, so it would have probably. I mean, I hope his rates are higher than they would have.
- [20:34]
A
Just like, bye.
- [20:35]
B
No. Yeah. So he, like, turns, spits, walks away. And my roommate turns into me, which makes me just want to die. She was like, we all thought you knew.
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A
Oh, they all knew.
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B
Listen, the last stop I did in St. Louis, a girl in my cohort in Paris, like, in my group, was in the audience.
- [20:57]
A
Oh, my gosh.
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B
And she randomly got selected to do a Q and A. She stands up and I leap.
- [21:02]
A
Oh, my God.
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B
I leapt off the stage. And I'm like, taylor. And in the mic, she goes, if anyone's wondering, this is a completely true story.
- [21:11]
A
Oh, my God.
- [21:12]
B
And she went bed the next night. Ended up in a worse situation. Anyways, she was like, yeah, we all thought you knew. And I just immediately vomited. I just was, like, so embarrassed. Great news. I've never made that mistake again. And the last line of that story is, like, we updated the list of glances just to make sure.
- [21:27]
A
Oh, my gosh.
- [21:30]
B
So that's, like, one of the first stories in the book.
- [21:32]
A
This is true. Like, who says the word company? Much?
- [21:34]
B
Like, even where I was sitting at the bar, it was a whole thing I just happened to slide into on accident. Looking back, I totally missed a man.
- [21:44]
A
If this were a woman, it would be totally different. We're not approached by men like this.
- [21:48]
B
No, not like that. I mean, I just. I had never. I mean, maybe I have been, and I just didn't know it.
- [21:52]
A
I just.
- [21:53]
B
I missed so many things.
- [21:57]
A
You often say I do things scared. So when something really terrifies you, what's your first step in doing it? Anyway?
- [22:06]
B
I learned in the process of getting my license. And, like, after I got my license, I would be afraid to get on the freeway because I would be afraid I'd have a panic attack on the freeway and kill People around me. Cause it was like, I. Of course, naturally, it took me forever to get places. It changed how I got to work. It was horrible. I had a therapist that literally took me on the freeway and said, okay, now let yourself have a panic attack. And I'm like, in the car. And he goes, I'm right here. If anything happens, I can grab the wheel. You're going to be okay. Go all the way to the left lane and have a panic attack. Exposure therapy. And I did. And then I let myself go. And then he goes, okay, now what we're gonna do is you're gonna turn. And he walked me through every step of how to get off the freeway. I parked into, I think, a Carl's Jr. Parking lot. And he's like, take your time now and close out whatever you need to do. If you need my help, great. And I just stopped. My panic attack wrapped up. And he goes, you didn't die. My brain just, like, needed that proof that, like, I can physically be having a panic attack and also physically navigate myself off of the freeway. And I can do both at the same time. That was a huge shift for me of, like, I can do it while being scared. Not that I should all the time. I would love to not have a panic attack. And also I would love. I don't always have to be scared of everything.
- [23:19]
A
What are your panic attacks? Attacks look like?
- [23:21]
B
I mean, they feel like I'm dying. Like a heart attack. I hyperventilate and I get really hot, and I can't, like, breathe. I can't take a deep breath. Like, a lot of the time it's like, I'll hold my breath because it's. I can't physically push out or, like, pull air in. And I always know they're coming. I get, like. I call, like, sand eyes, where it looks like almost like that feeling when you're about to pass out, but it's like black, green sand. So now when I know it. I mean, college, I used to know it would happen. I'd walk up to someone and say, I'm gonna have a panic attack. My brain's gonna convince me that I'm gonna have, like, a stroke, a c. Or a heart attack. I know I'm not going to, but I'm gonna sit with you. Cause you have a phone, and if anything happens, I know you can call 91 1, which you have to do that with a very select few people. Because if you do that to a stranger, they would call 911 pretty much immediately. I would, like. I would just in case that's what this means. Yeah. But it just helped me know that, like, okay, there's people that even if all those. The worst case scenario was like, happening, they could get me out of it. I've been dealing with that since I was little. So now I know what it looks like and it's okay. Especially with my new job. Like, I'm afraid of performing and this book tour, I'm literally in almost in a different crowd of like either, you know, 350 to like 1600 people in a room. And I'm terrified. But I know that me being scared doesn't negate how excited I am as well. And like, I try and do the, like, you're not anxious, you're excited. Your brain just doesn't know the difference. You know, it works sometimes, but it's also a lie sometimes. Yeah. And so I think that doing it scared was a really cool model for me because when somebody has crippling anxiety in any form, you often feel like you're like, I kind of am disqualified. Like, I can get only so far and I have to be okay with that. And that's just like, not true. But it, it also doesn't put you in a situation where you have to fix it before you can do new things. Like, you can actually be actively healing and still do the things you want to do. It just, you have to kind of adjust and do it a little differently, but you're not disqualified at all.
- [25:10]
A
And that feeling of pride after is just so immense.
- [25:13]
B
And so it means so much even like to look back on what I've done in this tour, like, man, if no one showed up, I would still be so proud of myself.
- [25:20]
A
Yeah, that's awesome.
- [25:21]
B
It's just cool. There's so many moments where I get to do it for myself, 13 year old Elise and my kids.
- [25:25]
A
Have you been able to tell yourself 10 years ago that you. Would you be able to say out loud, like, I'm so proud of myself. Were you that kind of kid?
- [25:31]
B
No, you would not know the person I was 10 years ago. She'd be sitting here and you would have no clue they're the same person. Not even a little bit. Yeah.
- [25:39]
A
Why?
- [25:40]
B
I have worked really hard at undoing the hurt and the trauma and the hurt that other people just gave me because they were hurt. And once I got serious about healing and not waiting to feel better and also not waiting for anyone to apologize for all of those things that, from when I was younger and just stuff, being alive is hard when I realized nothing's going to change if I don't change it. And I'm going to lose everyone I love around me because I just can't get to a place where I can, like, see that I'm valuable and I'm, like, worth taking space up. And I just got tired of feeling that way. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. And when I met Jonas, it wasn't like Jonas healed me. It was that for the first time in my life, I had this person staring at me and, like. Like, I'm always going to love you. I am never going to leave you. And if I never changed anything about myself from here on out, I knew he meant that. But it was that rad, complete, overwhelming love from this person. I believed him when he said this. It made me want to see myself the way that he saw me. And I really wanted that. And he stuck with it. And, like, man, his patience. And, like, he's rewired. My brain is rewired to hear his encouragement. So, like, when I. Yeah, even, like, I have a bracelet and it says, it's all good, buddy. Because, like, we say that when things are going really, really good and also really, really bad. And I hear that in his voice. When things are going to shit, it's all good, buddy. Because that's. I don't know. It's like what I'd say to my son, like, we're gonna fix it. We'll figure it out. Nothing is, like, unfixable, you know? And so it was that introduction to a love I had never really experienced before that made me want to feel that about myself. And now I do, which is really cool. Beautiful.
- [27:17]
A
You often show the nervous parts of your process, not just the finished work. Why do you think people need to see that side as well?
- [27:26]
B
Oh, my gosh. Because as a creative person, 90% of it is you convincing yourself, this is the worst thing I've ever made, and I'm really bad at my job. If more people shared the part where they're, like, breaking down and they're just like, I don't think I'm ever gonna have a good idea ever again. All of my best work is behind me. I think that process wouldn't feel so terrifying when you experience it. I think that it would be more of this conscious thought of, like, oh, we've reached that part of the process now. And because I've been able to understand that about myself, I know that's when I'm, like, real close to the Best part of it. And so it's really important to. And also I just love watching my favorite things be made. Like the How It's Made show.
- [28:07]
A
Same.
- [28:08]
B
I want to see all of it. Yeah, the Toilet Factory. I want to see the behind the scenes. I want to see the bloopers of a show. I want to see that show. I want to see like behind the scenes of a Making of an Album, like all of the special features on a dvd. I want to see all of it. And I think the beautiful thing about being a creative person is you go from nothing to something. And there had to be steps that happened along the way. And most of those look like solving problems.
- [28:30]
A
You've before said your goal is to make people feel known, feel loved, and like they belong. What is one message from a reader where you were like, I did that.
- [28:42]
B
The question and answers on this book tour have been beautiful. It's the best part of the whole night. People stand up and like, share. Either themselves or someone they know. Like me knowing myself, then me sharing myself with the world has allowed them to know themselves better. And like, man, little Elise felt so alone. Like, if I could have just had one person be like, hey, I do that too. I would have saved myself so much time and like, self hatred and to watch people stand up. Like anytime there's a younger person in the crowd, I will like force the person with the mic to go to that person. And like, I've had so many 16 year olds stand up and go, how do I make it through school? I'm not doing good. And I will take every opportunity. I will spend the rest of this Q and A sitting on the stage and looking at them and being like, you are not the problem. You are just not in a school system built for neurodivergent people. So what do we need to do to like, add things in your life to make this work for you? Because this is not a you thing. This is a system thing. I've just had a lot of feedback like that and it means so, so, so much to me that people open up to me in that way because I just see myself in them. And for them to see themselves in me is really cool.
- [29:52]
A
It's so hard to see out of that hole when you're a young person.
- [29:55]
B
Totally.
- [29:56]
A
They just like, you just gotta have blindfold faith. You found out so much about yourself at such a young age. That's really amazing.
- [30:04]
B
Yeah, I like the way that you.
- [30:05]
A
Need to work and the way that you need to operate. Like so many people are Becoming interested in learning that about themselves. I don't talk to many people that know what works for them that are able to talk about it.
- [30:16]
B
Yeah, I realized I wasn't going to get that from anybody else. I had so many people tell me that, like, yeah, when I was younger, I wasn't smart and I was lazy and all of that. And I found that I wasn't. And when I got that ADHD diagnosis, it wasn't like a consciousness. Like, I have ADHD now, so I'm gonna design my life for somebody with adhd. Like, that was never that conscious decision. But I have like a treadmill desk. Because I know I would pace in my house. I would hold my laptop up. I was a coder, so web developer. And I would code with one hand and pace up in my like 600 square foot apartment living room. Like, and then I realized, you know what, if I had two hands, I could work twice as fast. So then I built myself like a treadmill desk. So I started doing that and then I learned like, little things over time because I that the treadmill desk, honestly, was the first thing where I was like, I can make my life work.
- [30:59]
A
I really appreciate people that make choices to figure out how to make it work for them.
- [31:03]
B
I know that about myself. Like, I can't make too many decisions. Like, so that's like, the thing is, like, I just have to make a decision and like, that's the decision forever. But also now that I have a family, it's not even like, about myself. It's like, I am the best person I possibly can be for my family when I have a life at home or my job that works for me. And so, like, I have a separate space, knowing that I'm not gonna be then angry at my family because they're interrupting me, which, as they should. A two year old should be as loud as he wants to be. So now we have a separate space where it doesn't. Someone looked at it, they're like, you have an entire separate house to work out of. I do, because what I do is very unique. And so our life looks unique. What I'm wearing right now is my press outfit. Every single interview I've done on this entire book tour has been in this outfit.
- [31:43]
A
We are so similar. I literally got a.
- [31:45]
B
It looks like I did all these in the same day. The compilation is crazy.
- [31:49]
A
So much of my life was so simplified when I started wearing the same bra top, the same leggings.
- [31:54]
B
I'm a cartoon character.
- [31:55]
A
Yep, yep. Like, it's just One less thing to have to think about. And I'm not kidding.
- [31:59]
B
I wear it every day. Every fucking day, right? I know. Even food, I eat one meal at a time for months.
- [32:04]
A
I like to eat, period. And I probably have like six meals a day, and two of them are usually the same meal.
- [32:10]
B
I love that. Every day I just find that it's like so many choices. Like, I get. I feel like if you're giving me that many choices, I'm just gonna not. And then I forget to eat, and then I have a headache. And so I've learned that if I eat, I literally will do this thing where I pick one meal, and that is the only meal I eat for months at a time.
- [32:28]
A
Okay.
- [32:28]
B
I need to.
- [32:29]
A
To know.
- [32:29]
B
I've been on this for like, five months at this point.
- [32:31]
A
Okay.
- [32:31]
B
Every time I explain it, people are like, it's still going, oh, okay, cool. So it's like a yellow or a orange bell pepper. And I. I cut it into thirds, clean it out, and then I smear.
- [32:42]
A
Wait, I thought you were going to say like chicken and rice.
- [32:44]
B
Nope. It's a process, but it's, like, meditative for me.
- [32:47]
A
Okay.
- [32:47]
B
And like, I don't pre chop anything. I do. I do this every single time I come home, which is like, it helps me kind of transition. Also out of work. So I I quarters of bell peppers. It's like a bell pepper stack of stuff.
- [32:57]
A
So.
- [32:57]
B
So I put cream cheese on the inside, and then I do a piece of sharp, like a half a slice of sharp cheddar cheese, three slices of roasted turkey, and then I do smashed avocado.
- [33:09]
A
Is this lunch?
- [33:10]
B
This is lunch and dinner.
- [33:11]
A
It's dinner too.
- [33:13]
B
Yeah. When I say the only meal, I mean I'm not eating anything outside of this.
- [33:16]
A
Okay, keep going.
- [33:17]
B
So then turkey, smashed avocado, basil. If I have leftover bell pepper from the top, I'll chop that up real thin. On top, the thinnest slices of cucumber, like flexi. Cucumber. Then I do salt and pepper, oil and vinegar, and then pepper flakes.
- [33:31]
A
Okay.
- [33:32]
B
And then they're just these gigantic stacks.
- [33:34]
A
Okay.
- [33:35]
B
Three of them.
- [33:35]
A
Do you bake it?
- [33:37]
B
No. Wait, you don't like raw bell pepper?
- [33:42]
A
No. That's like, I just had this conversation yesterday. The only raw food I don't like is bell pepper.
- [33:49]
B
I love raw bell pepper. I love green raw bell pepper. But the yellow or the orange give or the red gives, like, just a better flavor overall.
- [33:57]
A
Make this meal. Are you thinking about dietary restrictions? Like, oh, this is carb. Free or this? Is this that?
- [34:04]
B
Well, I generally eat pretty low carb just to keep my blood sugar really steady. So that's kind of anything I eat is going to be geared. Not everything. It's not like I can't have carbs. It's just I pace it out or else I get a really bad crash. And then I get really. I'll fall into a depressive episode pretty fast. My mental health is better when I monitor my sugar. So I stay off my depression and anxiety meds by monitoring my blood sugar.
- [34:25]
A
Oh, my gosh. That's incredible.
- [34:27]
B
I'm also very disconnected from my body. And so it helps me realize when I'm on tour.
- [34:31]
A
Have you the same person?
- [34:34]
B
It helps me realize, like, why am I about to pass out?
- [34:36]
A
So, as someone that also feels very disconnected from your body, why do you think you are?
- [34:42]
B
Well, I think it's very helpful sometimes because I get very overstimulated in situations, and I just. There's aspects of my job that I truly couldn't do if I wasn't good at disassociating, which is not a good thing to be able to do. But I can use it as a tool in my life and make it work. And so I think because of that, I'm very good at slipping in and out of consciousness. I'm very disconnected, because if not, it's just too much. I can't all the time. And so sometimes I forget to slip back in to myself. And then it can kind of cause problems where I just will. I mean, I'm a runner as well. And so that meditative. Like, I could straight up run 25 straight miles because I can just leave my body. And. Which is great when you want to do that bad when you're not meaning to. And then all of a sudden, like, now I'm 32 and my knees sound like. What? You hear that? No, I do. I ran in Converse. Cause I just didn't know my ankles were bleeding. So it's a lot of that. And so I found that any kind of little things I can use that can force me back into my body, like the glucose monitor and things like that. I'm not a person that's gonna naturally gravitate towards meditation. I want to, but it's like, if it's not immediately in front of me, it doesn't exist. So unless I am, like, being dragged to a class where it's like, we're gonna do yoga now, I just won't remember to do it. And then I'll wonder why I have a raging mig and it's like I haven't had a sip of water in 14 hours and I haven't peed and I haven't eaten. And so tools like this are really, really helpful.
- [36:04]
A
That's so interesting because you're probably like me, where we feel everything real very, very deeply. So disconnecting is just like kind of. It's a survival.
- [36:12]
B
Correct. Yeah.
- [36:13]
A
I wonder if I'd be good at running then if I thought of it in that way or working out in general.
- [36:19]
B
I'm not a good workout. Running is like very, very motivated for me. Yeah.
- [36:23]
A
That's really interesting.
- [36:24]
B
Yeah.
- [36:24]
A
I mean, I can't.
- [36:25]
B
No, not at all.
- [36:26]
A
You do marathons and stuff?
- [36:28]
B
No. Well, I mean, I. Technically, if you were to look at the miles I run and walk in a day. Yes. But I did one because someone told me I couldn't. Cause I only wore Converse. And I was with like one of my older brother's friends. I don't remember who this was. It was an older male figure that was important to me in some time because he was important to another person in my family. I don't remember. He was doing a marathon and I was like, I feel like I could do that. Wow. And to a young, like, what? What was I? 17 year old girl. He goes, it's a lot. Instead of immediately being like, I'm sure you could. Why would that not be his initial reaction?
- [37:03]
A
I go.
- [37:04]
B
And I was like, nah. How hard could it be? I probably could do it. In fact, I could probably do it in Converse. So I just signed up for the yes.
- [37:10]
A
Spite ran. I love that.
- [37:11]
B
I love spite. Yes, I did. I signed up for my local marathon. No training. I was an absolute wreck at the end of it. I slept, I think for like 24 hours after I called out of work the next day. But in Converse.
- [37:24]
A
Wait, what?
- [37:25]
B
Long Beach. Oh, wow. Okay.
- [37:27]
A
Yeah. Wow. Oh my God.
- [37:28]
B
Yeah. And I got the whole. All the things at the end, all the treats and the blanket like it. I truly was probably one of the stupidest things I've ever done in my life. But like, that is very indicative of my personality.
- [37:42]
A
How many people just go cold into a marathon?
- [37:44]
B
Like, just like, oh, so many. But they don't make it to the end. Like they quick. They're like, this was like stupid. Why did I do this?
- [37:49]
A
There's so many videos right now going around. So many marathons are saying, New York marathon.
- [37:53]
B
Yeah.
- [37:53]
A
People staying until like the 12th hour and they're just like, I get emotional.
- [37:58]
B
I have to save them for later. I was on my way to something this morning. I did for like another press thing and I. My. For some reason, my Instagram today was like, girl, you're going to cry today. Like, we're going to make you cry. And I'm like, I literally can't. I'm about to go on live television, like, saving it for later. Like when you need to cry. Just like, watch these.
- [38:14]
A
They're so beautiful.
- [38:15]
B
They're so pretty.
- [38:16]
A
Oh, even the people's legs, like, oh, giving out completely. Just like.
- [38:20]
B
Yeah, I know so many metaphors. I mean, one thing about me is I'm probably gonna relate everything back to running. I'm not even like that much of a runner, but the idea of your body and your brain working together and your brain being stronger than your body and then literally, like, sometimes it isn't like your body will just give out. I use marathon metaphors so often. So when I see videos like that, I just am like, this is.
- [38:44]
A
I don't get that point that runner's high that people get too, where you're just floating. Well, I've never attempted it, but it's so magical.
- [38:52]
B
Well, I think too, it takes us. For me, with my neurodivergence, I think my brain is constantly looking for like a. I can hyper focus in things that I get locked in. I can like easily lock in, which is great when you want to do that. When you have a family, you're not interruptible and you have to. My best rhythm of work is 12 hours. So, like, if you. I need about 12 hours to really feel like I can settle into what I'm doing and then finish something. But then I'm like, I really need to know what something's gonna be like. I don't. I struggle so much with like, not being able to picture it, like, doing something like in here where I can't Google the studio. I can't just Google the inside of your house. Right. It's like, thank God I can't. But like, it helps me to be able to picture so that I'm like, okay, I'm gonna walk in the door. And like, I don't know, it's just really helpful.
- [39:37]
A
I think you're the diagnosed version of me. That's crazy.
- [39:41]
B
Yeah. I mean, it is diagnosed crazy. Wow. Yeah. But it's. But it's one of those things where it's like, okay, am I gonna spend the rest of my life being embarrassed by this or am I just gonna use it? Am I gonna. Okay, if I crave this every meal, but I'm not eating it because I just don't want to be the person that eats the same meal every day. That's such a waste of my time.
- [40:00]
A
It's freeing to finally do what the fuck you want.
- [40:02]
B
Yeah, it's a waste of my time.
- [40:03]
A
Elise Meyers, I want to thank you for joining me today on Self Conscious. Thank you so much for being here.
- [40:09]
B
Thank you for having me. This is so fun.
- [40:18]
A
Elise, I want to thank you for joining me today on Self Conscious. Elise thank you, Myers. That's a great question. I'd love to tell you. Is available on Audible. Until then, tune in, turn on and feel better. This is Chrissy Teigen and you've been listening to Self Conscious, an Audible original podcast.
- [40:41]
This has been an Audible original produced by Audible, Q Code and Huntley Productions, hosted by Chrissy Teigen Written and executive produced by Jimmy Jelinek Executive produced by producers for Q Code, Shen Yun Hu and Alexa Gabrielle Ramirez Executive producer for Huntley Productions Chrissy Teigen Executive producer for Audible Stacey Creamer Recorded and engineered by Ben Milchev Filmed by Bridger Clements Production coordinator Brian Coulter Edited, mixed and mastered by Ben Milchev Head of Creative Development at Audible Kate Navin Chief Content Officer Rachel Giazza Copyright 2024 by Audible Originals, Alex, LLC Sound Recording Copyright 2025by Audible Originals LLC.