Mel Robbins - Let Them Theory

Summary

Mastering Personal Relationships with Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory

Podcast: Self-Conscious with Chrissy Teigen
Episode: Mel Robbins - Let Them Theory
Release Date: February 27, 2025

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Introduction

In this enlightening episode of Self-Conscious with Chrissy Teigen, renowned personal development expert Mel Robbins delves into her transformative concept, the Let Them Theory. Hosted by Chrissy Teigen, the conversation offers deep insights into managing relationships, reducing personal stress, and reclaiming control over one’s own life by shifting focus from others’ behaviors to personal responses.

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Understanding the Let Them Theory

Mel Robbins introduces the Let Them Theory as a pivotal approach to enhancing personal well-being and improving relationships. The theory is grounded in the idea that relinquishing the need to control others leads to a more peaceful and fulfilling life. Instead of being ensnared by others' actions, thoughts, or expectations, individuals can focus on their own responses, thereby fostering healthier interactions and personal growth.

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The Two Pillars: Let Them & Let Me

The Let Them Theory is structured around two fundamental components:

1. Let Them:

   • Definition: When feeling frustrated or overwhelmed by someone else’s behavior, simply tell yourself, “Let them.”
   • Purpose: This phrase acts as a cue to stop attempting to control or influence the other person, allowing you to rise above the situation.

2. Let Me:

   • Definition: Shifting focus to oneself by saying, “Let me.”
   • Purpose: This reinforces the idea that your power lies in your own responses and actions, not in controlling others.

Mel Robbins explains, “The Let Them theory is the fastest way to take control of your life. It taught me the more you learn how to let other people live their lives, the better your life is gonna be” (02:25).

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Personal Struggles and Insights

Chrissy Teigen opens up about her personal challenges with being misunderstood and the relentless pursuit of external validation. She shares, “The relationship with myself is the hardest part. I've always been a punisher, whether it was through diets and food emotionally or drinking” (05:47). This vulnerability sets the stage for Robbins to address the root causes of such struggles.

Mel Robbins acknowledges that seeking love and approval is a universal human experience, often rooted in childhood. She emphasizes the necessity of cultivating self-adoration and self-approval to break free from the need for external validation: "One of the things that you are going to love about implementing the let them theory in your life is that it truly teaches you to stop that habit of looking outside yourself for the thing that you're actually seeking” (05:47).

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The ABC Loop: A Practical Tool

To provide actionable steps, Mel Robbins introduces the ABC Loop, a strategy designed to handle frustrations and the desire for others to change:

1. A - Ask Open-Ended Questions:

   • Encourage the other person to express their feelings and thoughts without judgment.
   • Example: “Dad, how are you feeling about the driving thing?”

2. B - Back Off and Observe:

   • Allow the person to process their emotions independently without interference.
   • This reduces resistance and creates space for genuine dialogue.

3. C - Model the Change and Celebrate Progress:

   • Demonstrate desired behaviors and acknowledge any positive steps taken by the other person.

Mel Robbins elaborates, “The ABC loop is a very simple process that is grounded in everything that we've been talking about where you've got to learn how to let other adults be adults” (24:59).

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Role-Playing the ABC Loop

To illustrate the ABC Loop, Chrissy engages in a role-playing exercise with Mel, simulating a conversation with her stubborn father who wishes to resume driving despite entering assisted living care. Through this exercise, Chrissy practices asking open-ended questions, backing off to observe her father’s responses, and celebrating any positive behaviors.

Chrissy reflects on the difficulty, stating, “It's so hard because things get so angry between us so quickly” (29:07). Mel Robbins guides her to focus on her own responses rather than his father’s potential reactions, reinforcing the theory's emphasis on personal control.

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Impact on Personal Well-Being and Relationships

Implementing the Let Them Theory has profound effects on reducing personal stress and improving relationships. By shifting the focus from trying to control others to managing one's own reactions, individuals experience enhanced emotional freedom and healthier interpersonal dynamics.

Mel Robbins asserts, “When you let other adults be adults, you also let yourself be you. You can think a negative thought about John and you can still love him” (07:17).

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Final Reflections and Toolkit

As the conversation wraps up, Mel Robbins highlights that the Let Them Theory is not merely a concept but a practical tool rooted in various psychological and philosophical principles, including Stoicism, Radical Acceptance, and neuroscience.

Mel Robbins concludes, “The let them theory isn't a concept, it's a tool.” (22:23). She encourages listeners to adopt this approach in their daily lives to navigate complex emotional landscapes and foster personal growth.

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Notable Quotes

• Mel Robbins (02:25): "The Let Them theory is the fastest way to take control of your life. It taught me the more you learn how to let other people live their lives, the better your life is gonna be."

• Chrissy Teigen (05:47): "The relationship with myself is the hardest part. I've always been a punisher, whether it was through diets and food emotionally or drinking."

• Mel Robbins (07:17): "You can think a negative thought about John and you can still love him."

• Mel Robbins (22:23): "The let them theory isn't a concept, it's a tool."

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Conclusion

In this episode, Mel Robbins provides a compelling framework for personal empowerment through the Let Them Theory. By embracing the principles of letting others be and focusing on personal responses, listeners are equipped with practical tools to enhance their well-being and cultivate more authentic, stress-free relationships. Chrissy Teigen’s candid sharing of her struggles further humanizes the discussion, making the insights both relatable and actionable.

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Explore More:
Discover the full episode and other groundbreaking conversations on Self-Conscious with Chrissy Teigen available on Audible.

Transcript

[A]

You're listening to Self Conscious with Chrissy Teigen, an Audible original podcast. Join me as we explore the cutting edge of health, wellness and personal growth with the world's leading experts and thinkers. From inspiring stories to actionable insights, our conversations aim to help you lead a healthier, happier and more productive life. We often find ourselves overwhelmed by the expectations and behaviors of those around us. Feeling an almost instinctive need to control or influence their actions, we try to manage relationships, predict reactions, and adjust our own behaviors to maintain harmony or gain approval. However, the key to a more peaceful, fulfilling life may not be in controlling others, but in just letting go. Enter Mel Robbins Let Them Theory It's a simple yet profound idea. Let people be who they are without letting their issues become your own. Whether it's family judgments, friends, expectations or strangers, Opin Robbins offers a radical shift. Instead of getting caught up in what others think, we focus on what we can change our own responses. Mel Robbins is one of the most sought after voices in personal development. Known for her practical, no nonsense tools and science backed strategies, Robbins has helped millions of people change their lives. As a bestselling author, motivational speaker and host of the globally popular Mel Robbins Podcast, her relatable advice on mindset, behavior change and mental health has resonated with audience. Today, Robbins will offer a masterclass in letting go of other people's toxic expectations and reclaiming power in our relationships. We'll dive into practical examples of how this mindset can reduce stress, help us set healthier boundaries, and allow us to stop carrying the weight of other people's drama. Mel Robbins, welcome to Self Conscious. Thank you so much for being here. This is so exciting for me. This is a conversation that I am so ready and excited to have and to have you here doing it with me. I feel very lucky and special. So thank you so much for being here.

[B]

It's just such an honor to be here with you and I know that you hold nothing back, so I cannot wait to jump in and see where we're gonna go with this.

[A]

What inspired the creation of the Let Them Theory?

[B]

So the Let Them theory is the fastest way to take control of your life. It taught me the more you learn how to let other people live their lives, the better your life is gonna be. And the more you learn to let people be themselves, the better your relationships get. And there's two parts to the Let Them theory. It's super simple. Part one is whenever you feel yourself getting frustrated or stressed out or annoyed or worried about what somebody else is doing or feeling or saying just say let them to yourself. And that's gonna allow you to rise above what's happening and it's going to cue you to stop trying to control other people. And the second step, Chrissy, is when you say let me. And this is where you get your power back. When you say let me, you're reminding yourself that your power is not in what other people are doing. Your power is always in your response. When you focus on what you are gonna do in response, you are now in control of your life.

[A]

I can say that to myself all I want. I can say, let them, let them, let them think their thoughts. Let yourself be misunderstood. It's okay. You have a wonderful family, wonderful friends, a wonderful life. But it is so incredibly challenging for me. The one thing I wish I could change was that I wish I weren't so misunderstood. And I wish people knew how good I was. And it's so desperate sounding and so sad, but that for me is my biggest battle in life.

[B]

Why are you concerned about what other people think? What is it that you're actually afraid of?

[A]

Since I was little, I really wanted to be loved and I really wanted adoration and affection. I had a parent that was not very touchy feely. I felt growing up that I was someone that she could show off. And so when I was little and going up to people and saying my words in Thai or doing what I was told and being good, I got really good feedback from that. And I got that feeling of always wanting to be really good for everybody. And it's been in me since I was little.

[B]

Thank you for sharing that. And here's the thing. I think we all struggle with this. It is normal as a child to want to feel loved and we actually need it. That's why we bond with our caregivers. That's why we seek out that affection. It makes us feel safe. But what happens when we become adults is that we never actually mature our ability to get that adoration and love and approval from ourselves first. One of the things that you are going to love about implementing the let them theory in your life is that it truly teaches you to stop that habit of looking outside yourself for the thing that you're actually seeking. Chrissy, the more that you let other people be, the better your life gets. And the more you learn to let other people, other people, be themselves, the better your relationships get. Especially the relationship with yourself. Does that make sense?

[A]

The relationship with myself is the hardest part. I've always been a punisher, whether it was through diets and food emotionally or drinking. I always inflict some kind of pain on myself and punish myself for letting people down or feeling like I wasn't good enough in a group of people. And it's so all encompassing. I very rarely leave the house because when I do and I interact with people out in the world, whether it's through work or just being out shopping at the grocery store, I just destroy myself and work so hard to make sure that they had the really good experience with me. And then I come home and I dwell on it forever. It's getting so exhausting being this mean to myself. And I don't know what it's like to not be that way. And if I could heal that part of myself, so much would change. So much of my day would be free to think of other things that really matter. But right now, I'm in the prison of it.

[B]

You're clearly in a prison of it because you've given all the control to other people. Your worth, your value, whether or not you're happy, whether or not you are proud of yourself, is entirely given away to other people's reactions or what they say. And just like you cannot control what another human being feels, you will never be able to control what someone else thinks about you.

[A]

I can. By being really good.

[B]

No, you can't. I know. No, you can't. When we're done talking, can you control what I'm gonna say about you when my two daughters are like, what was it like with Christy? Like, can you actually control what my thoughts and feelings about you are going to be?

[A]

No. I know that I'm saying that, but there's another level of me that's I can do the best I can to ensure that you.

[B]

Here's what I want you to focus on. The issue is you're focused on me and what I think of you. I want you to start focusing on you and what you think of you. That's what matters. And I'm going to prove something to you. The people that love you the most. So who loves you more than anybody on the planet?

[A]

John.

[B]

And who do you feel the safest with?

[A]

John.

[B]

Do you think John has negative thoughts about you?

[A]

No.

[B]

Baloney. I know you love John, so give me some negative thoughts and opinions that you've had about John today or yesterday.

[A]

Oh, God. I think one of the only fights we really get in is about scheduling or being home enough, being together enough without kids.

[B]

Sometimes I'll share some for mine. So my husband gets up in the morning and farts and I'm like, you're disgusting. Or I worked late last night and I came down in the kitchen and he was eating cereal and I'm like, why did. You're not making dinner? What the hell? That's a negative thought. My daughter Sawyer, she's so intense. I'm like, you need to chill, dude. My daughter Kendall, I love her to pieces.

[A]

Yeah, the kid thing is easier for me. I probably have. Cause the kids can drive you crazy. But John is so even keeled and just.

[B]

But doesn't that drive you crazy? Aren't you like sometimes. God, John.

[A]

Actually, yes. I want some passion sometimes. I want him to get mad at me. I want him. But yeah.

[B]

So that's an example of even though you love the person, negative thoughts pop in your mind. It doesn't make you love him less. And there are times where you drive John flipping crazy. He may not be telling you this, but he's thinking in his mind something about you. And the point I'm trying to make is the average human being has 70,000 thoughts a day, Chrissy, and they can barely control what they're thinking. There is never going to be a moment where you can ensure that another human being thinks something that you want them to think. That's not where your power is. Your power is in the. Let me part. So whenever you feel yourself getting worked up, whether it's a press storm or it's something else, let them. When you spend all your time and energy exhausting yourself to make everybody else happy, you lose yourself. It is not your job when you become an adult, Chrissy, to manage or fix other adults emotions. As a parent are responsible for helping your children process their emotions. Because children cannot regulate their own emotions without an adult helping them. But you are never responsible for managing someone else's emotions when they are an adult, no matter what you do. And I'm going to share some things with you to have you really try to embrace the truth of what I'm saying and the freedom that is available to you. Because it's so sad to me to see a woman that I respect who has an extraordinary marriage. You do so many remarkable things. You are an unbelievable businesswoman and you place all of this power that you have in the hands of strangers on the Internet. And you don't have to live like this.

[A]

It's so interesting when someone tells me something that I needed to hear or when I have an epiphany about something. I get this like incredible throbbing in my wrists and arms and I can really feel it so hard now, well.

[B]

What is the epiphany that you're getting?

[A]

That I'm not alone in this. Sometimes it feels very isolating to feel this way. And the fact that other people feel imprisoned by this, too, that helps a lot. Because one of the worst parts about it is me feeling crazy or feeling that nobody else will understand this feeling. Why am I like this? I'm really scared of passing this along to my kids. I think that is the big realization for me is I can't do this to my kids. I don't ever want them to feel like they have to perform for everybody and be good all the time. But I know that sometimes I probably am that way. I do want them to be the most polite, and I don't want people to think that they're just celebrity asshole kids. And so I might go harder the other direction to make sure that they don't come off that way. And I really need to break that because I'm okay. And this is another reason I'm in therapy. I'm okay with me getting the shit end of the stick on anything or living this life where I'm stressed and in pain, but I'm not okay with them.

[B]

Yeah, well, I can see that really bothers you.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Because I see how much my interactions with adults as a child affected me from so many different layers, from whether it was sexual or the reason I became such a people pleaser. And that was through sleeping with people. It. It travels so far in my life. It's not just that I wanted to smile and say my little Thai words for people. It went in that it started that way. Yes. But then I ended up believing. Sorry. I ended up believing that I was for everybody and my body was for everybody. And it took a hold on every part of my life. And as you can see, it still has a hold on me now. So I cannot imagine this for my kids. I hope that they don't want to please everybody in life, and I hope that they know that their body is their own, their mind is their own, their actions are their own, and they can't control other people. I cannot have them live this way that I live.

[B]

Who is going to teach them this? And that's the enormous opportunity that you have when you understand what you're dealing with, you have the ability to face it and to make decisions, to live differently. And that's exactly what you're doing. And your kids watch you, and they are watching how much strangers and other people impact how you feel about yourself. And so as you Take this on and you truly start to separate what is your responsibility to manage, which is your thoughts, your feelings, your words. When you focus on that and you align your values with how you show up in life and you put yourself first in that regard, you are also showing your children that their opinion of themselves is more important than what anybody else says or does because they're no longer seeing their mom destroyed by what other people are saying.

[A]

It always amazed me that I was the give no fucks girl. I'm like, you guys have no idea how many fucks I give.

[B]

Well, anytime anybody says I don't give a shit what they think, you know, they totally do. Because it's when you have to say that out loud and it's evidence that you are still processing something that bothers you.

[A]

Hey, it's Chrissy. Dig deeper with today's guest and hear more from all our groundbreaking guests on Audible. From bestsellers and new releases to podcasts and Audible originals, discover the next step on your journey. Go to audible.com chrissyonaudible how can someone start practicing? Let them with close family members where emotional ties and expectations run deep, you're.

[B]

Gonna need the let them theory with your family more than anywhere else in your life. Here's the truth about your family. They're not changing. And they have the strongest opinions. They have the strongest opinions about who you are and what you should do and how you should live your life. And they think they're right. And they also anchor their opinions in wanting the best for you. The let them theory allows you to let your family be who they are. Stop trying to change them. Stop expecting them to change. Give them the space to roll their eyes. Give them the space to not be that transformed. Our parents gave us what they gave us based on what they had to give. Most of our parents do not want to look at their issues. They've never been to therapy. They didn't get the emotional support that they needed, and so they only repeated the patterns that were done to them. And I don't say that to justify anything that happened. I say that because I find that it is helpful to understand that so that I don't feel like it is such a personal thing. See, I just said that you can't change your family, but I didn't say you couldn't change yourself. All it takes is one person in a family to start showing up differently. And the beautiful thing about a family is that it is an interconnected network of relationships. If you start showing up and you're calmer, and you're less reactive to Mom's outbursts. And you are more accepting and you have better boundaries. A funny thing happens. It starts to ripple through the entire family system because you're the one that changed.

[A]

You mentioned that Let them can radically shift how we approach conflict. What can someone do in a tense situation where they feel overwhelmed by someone else's emotions, using the principles of let them?

[B]

One of the things that triggers me a lot, Kristi, is that we've got three adult kids, and recently one of them went through a breakup. And I felt just destroyed by having a child that was mourning the loss of a relationship. And using the let them theory. It's hard. I'm not going to lie. It's easy to say the words, let them be sad. Let them be in a depressive state. Let them cry for days. Let them be worried that they're never gonna meet somebody. I'm talking adults here. The space to process normal, healthy human emotions is an act of love. It's a mentally healthy response. And that's what you can ask yourself. Is the response appropriate for the thing they're going through? And it is appropriate for somebody to be sad and devastated and grieving when they get broken up with. Let them. If you screw up at work, it's appropriate for your boss to be upset or disappointed. Let them. Let people have the space to feel what they need to feel.

[A]

Do you find yourself less confrontational because of the let them theory? Will you still look at somebody dead in the eyes and say, that disappointed me, or you disappointed me, or that wasn't a good job? Because that's very tough for me as well.

[B]

I am way less confrontational, and here's why. The point of life is to allow yourself to live your life. And you won't feel the full potential of your life if you hold yourself hostage to managing everybody else. And so for me, there's a lot of stuff I used to pour my time and energy into that's not worth my time and energy. There's a lot of email chains that I'd be like writing an email because I'm all stressed out about something and trying to prove my point just to make it worse. There's a lot of conversations where I would chime in because I would hope somebody would think something about me that I realize I don't really have anything to add here. And it's created a tremendous amount of peace in my life. And the part that you and I have talked a lot about, which is letting them feel what they need to Feel not making it your job to manage somebody's feelings and letting people have negative thoughts. It has created so much peace. Because when you let other adults be adults, you also let yourself be you. And you can't do that until you first stop trying to manage what other people are thinking and feeling. You can think a negative thought about John and you can still love him. And he can think that you're messy or late or you're too emotional or he probably has a lot of opinions about how you let everybody else get to you and it frustrates him and makes him sad and all this stuff. And he still loves you and is proud of you and thinks you're the most amazing, strong human being on the planet. Based on everything that you've survived, two things can be true at once. And it can also be true that the press can write horrible things about you. And you know you are a good person because you know how you live your life every day and what you value. And when you learn how to hold space for both things to happen, there is this incredible peace and power that's gonna come over your life.

[A]

Chrissy I feel lighter even thinking about it. So I can't imagine if I actually said this to myself on a daily basis or high fived myself in the mirror in the morning and said something nice.

[B]

This is a different kind of conversation is because the let them theory isn't a concept, it's a tool. And so it's not something that you're going to talk about, it's something you're going to use in your life. And when you say let them, you're practicing something called detachment theory, which is detaching from your emotions and detaching from managing other people. And you're practicing stoicism, which is about focusing on your response. You're practicing radical acceptance. You're drawing from tenets of Buddhism and major world religions. And you are also tapping into neuroscience and the truth that you can't control other people, which is why you feel crazy when you try to do it. And the tool is what's powerful. The saying of let them and then the let me part reminds you of where your power is when you start using it. You're gonna use it all the time. Because I'm gonna be honest, other people are super annoying and they're very stressful and they do things that are irritating as hell and your kids will have tantrums and do stuff that you don't want them to do and they're gonna fight you on putting their shoes on and you're just gonna.

[A]

And now for the Toolkit. Each episode, our guests distill their expertise into practical and actionable insights. Today, Mel Robbins takes us through an exercise focusing on what we can control our own reactions, needs and boundaries.

[B]

There is this amazing tool that I write about in the Let them theory called the ABC Loop. And it's something that you're going to use in any relationship where there's all this tension and frustration because you really wish someone would change. And now there's just this sort of elephant in the room between you and someone else and you don't know what to do. Do you have somebody in your life where you're like, man, I wish this person would change. And I can give you some examples from the research that I did for this book. Lots of common themes of I wish someone would lose weight. I wish my kid would be more motivated around school. I wish my boyfriend would get their resume together and be more aggressive at work and go for a better job. Those sort of things are classic examples of how you can get frustrated with somebody else because you want them to change.

[A]

I have a really stubborn father who has recently entered assisted living care and he's been thriving in there and everything was going amazing. I was so happy. Our relationship changed. Just being able to see him so often and seeing him happy so often. And now he's got it in his mind at 85 years old that he's ready to drive again and he wants his own home. And it's extremely frustrating, especially being an outsider and seeing how well he's doing and it's just so hard cause he's always been so hard headed and so stubborn.

[B]

So the ABC loop is a very simple process that is grounded in everything that we've been talking about where you've got to learn how to let other adults be adults. Right? The truth is, if your dad has a set of keys, unless you are there and you're physically in front of him to stop him from doing something dangerous, you can't control whether or not he actually gets behind a wheel of a car. And the more that you pressure him, dad, I don't want you to drive. Dad this, dad that, it's gonna backfire. One of the huge takeaways of the let them theory is that when you pressure someone to change, it doesn't motivate someone to change, it creates resistance to it. So the more you bring up your concern about him driving, the more resistant he's going to become to the idea that he shouldn't be and it might actually make him feel more desire to exercise his independence and to show you, because human beings have a hardwired need, Chrissy, to be in control of themselves. And when you push somebody and they feel threatened, they're gonna push right back while you can't control him or change him. I didn't say you couldn't influence him. So this ABC loop is something that I created based on a bunch of research from a doctor that came on the mel Robbins podcast, Dr. K. He goes by the healthy gamer. And A stands for ask open ended questions. B stands for back off and observe his behavior. And C stands for model the change and celebrate any small progress. And so here's how you're gonna do it with your father. Next time you see him, you're gonna say, not dad, I don't want you to drive. Dad, do you have the keys?

[A]

I'm so scared to see him next because I know this is our next big conversation. So this is perfect.

[B]

How does it normally go? Like how have the conversations gone in the past?

[A]

We don't have them. I have a family that just doesn't communicate anything ever. So we hold it all in.

[B]

That's why you're gonna ask open ended questions. This comes from Dr. K, Harvard trained psychiatrist who studied addiction and did his residency at Harvard's McLean Hospital. And he said that the single most effective technique to get somebody else to want to change their behavior is to ask open ended questions because it creates tension inside them between what they're doing versus what they know that they should do. And so when you see your dad, you're gonna go, so, dad, how you feeling about the driving thing? And what do you think he might say? I'll play your father. You ask me, do you wanna play your father or do you want me to play your father?

[A]

It's so foreign for me to even ask someone like that that. I think I have to be the dad. I think I have to be my dad.

[B]

Okay, you be the dad. So, dad, I understand that you're thinking that you might want to drive again. Tell me about that.

[A]

Yeah, well, driving was a really big part of my life. I always loved a road trip. And not having that in my life anymore has become a bummer. And I really want to kind of get my independence back a little bit.

[B]

So I hear you want to get your independence back.

[A]

I was in the hospital for a month. I let my body heal. I lost the weight my doctors told me to. I'm feeling good and I'm feeling ready for it.

[B]

So I hear you say that you're feeling ready. What makes you feel ready? I feel healthy and I understand that you're healthy. But is there any concern that you.

[A]

Have about this despite having crashed through your garage into the kitchen before? No, I have no concerns about it.

[B]

See now that's you wanting to pressure him. See now here's what's interesting. What did you feel in your body as you were pretending to be your dad? And I was just asking questions and basically taking the last thing that you said and asking you to explain more about independence or what makes you healthy or what makes you concerned.

[A]

It's really hard because things get so angry between us so quickly that this is such a conversation that I'm not even sure I'm talking the way he would talk. I think he would if I were to do it honestly, I think he would get very mad very quickly.

[B]

You don't have to engage in the fight. And one of the reasons why this open ended question thing apparently works is because his answers don't matter. By asking open ended questions, you are forcing him to think about what he wants and the other thing that you can do because B after you. And it could just be one open ended question. If he is so confronted by the fact that he is getting older and losing his independence, isn't it almost like a mentally healthy response to be scared and angry and upset about it? And when you look at him like a little 8 year old who just can't get the toy that they wanted and now they're flopping down on the aisle way banging their fists against the counter like you have more compassion for your dad instead of being scared. And the fact that he erupts actually shows you that the question works because he's not allowing himself to feel what he needs to feel. And then you're gonna back off and you're gonna model the behavior that you care about, which is showing up being a good daughter and then you're gonna move to C. And C is about celebrating. C is about you constantly pointing out how great he's doing and how proud you are when he is sticking to what the doctors say. And that's what the loop is. And the reason why this matters is because human beings hate being told what to do. If you push somebody to do something, they push back. And your behavior influences people. And there's ways when you start to open this up as you celebrate the way he is taking care of his health, you celebrate the decisions that he's making. I hear you want independence. What if we Got you Uber drivers. What if we. Because I don't care about you being all over the place, dad. I care about you being safe. So can we work together? There's another open ended question. How might we get you the independence that you want without you being behind a wheel and having something terrible happen to you? And I personally think between the asking open ended questions and then you back off and you let him have his reactions and his big emotions because that's a sign that he's processing it. And then you just keep celebrating the small stuff and you keep modeling being a really loving and supportive daughter, which you are. That's how you do this loop. And you can be a concerned, adult loving daughter and approach this with a level of compassion and don't fuck with me, dad confidence. And you can use a little bit of science in this ABC loop to stop creating resistance and pressure and unlock the power of your influence over somebody else.

[A]

Mel Robbins, I want to thank you so much for joining me today on Self Conscious.

[B]

You're welcome. Thank you.

[A]

The Let Them Theory is available on Audible. Until then, tune in, turn on and feel better. This is Chrissy Teigen and you've been listening to Self Conscious, an Audible original podcast. This has been an Audible original produced by Audible and Huntley Productions, hosted by Chrissy Teigen, Executive Producer for Huntley Productions Chrissy Teigen, Executive Producer for Audible Stacy Creamer Recorded and engineered by Alex Skye Mixed and mastered by Jeremiah Maya Zimmerman Edited by Lisa Orkin, Head of Creative Development at Audible Kate Navin, Chief Content Officer Rachel Giazza Copyright 2024 by Audible Originals, LLC. Sound Recording Copyright 2024 by Audible Originals LLC.

[B]

SA.