← Self-Conscious with Chrissy Teigen
Self-Conscious with Chrissy Teigen
RE-RELEASE: Kendra Adachi: The Five-Step Fix for the Chaos in Your Life
00:52:22
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- [00:03]
A
You're listening to Self Conscious with Chrissy Teigen, an Audible original podcast. Join me as we explore the cutting edge of health, wellness and personal growth with the world's leading experts and thinkers. From inspiring stories to actionable insights, our conversations aim to help you lead a healthier, happier and more productive life. Do you ever wake up already feeling behind like the day started way before you even got a chance to get out of bed? The emails, the meals, the moods, the mess, it's all happening at once. And somehow you're supposed to have a color coded plan for how to handle it. My next guest has a solution for you. Kendra Adachi is the author of the Plan. And her book didn't just help me organize my time, it helped me forgive myself for how I've been trying to live. It's not a hustle guide. It's not a productivity cult. It's something so much more rare. A kind, human, body aware way of figuring out what really matters in the life you're living right now. It's also written by a woman for women, and it understands what most time management books do. Not that we plan inside bodies that are hormonal, households we hold together and systems that weren't built for us in the first place. Today we'll talk about what it means to let go of the myth of being behind how to plan your day with energy you actually have, and why we need to stop scheduling ourselves like robots. Kendra Adachi, welcome to Self Conscious. Thank you so much for being here today. I really appreciate it. I. I will say I'm terrible at managing my life. I think some people are really, really good at it. I get so madly overwhelmed immediately when I begin to even think of how to structure my week or day. I can only do things on the basis of the next few hours. Yeah, I can't. Someone will be like, hey, on the 14th. I'm like, no, no, stop right there. Too far. This is too far. This is too much. It's overwhelming. I don't know why I'm that way, but all I know is my brain is constantly taking in so much information that I spit out so much information too, to make room for that. That to the point where I can only handle the next few hours of my life at a time. And I've realized that I've come so far being this way. And the fact that your book tells us that we can do it better and that we can change is really a beautiful thing. Because sometimes, you know, you go through life and you're like, okay, I'M too old to learn a new thing. I'm stuck in my ways. But I do feel like I can be better at it, so. And I think you're gonna make a lot of us out there listening better at it, because so many of us are caught up in hustle culture.
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B
Yeah.
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A
And I hate that we talk about it often on this podcast. There's so many different quotes that really resonated with me, but there was one specifically that I really liked, and it is, you are not a robot. You're not a machine to program. You're a flesh and blood person with a beautiful, slightly unruly life. So talk a little bit about that. Yeah.
- [03:17]
B
The first thing I want to point out is that being a person who only operates a few hours at a time is not a bad thing. We're sort of taught that there is one way to be organized and to be a planner. And I just disagree with that idea because we need people who can, on the fly, go, oh, let's do this isn't working. Let's shift this right now. We need people who can walk into a room and see that that kid is on the verge of a meltdown. And I know we had this whole thing planned, but we probably shouldn't do that. In the same way, we need all.
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A
Of these to be on your toes, to be able to adapt.
- [04:00]
B
Yes, exactly. And so I do think we need to expand and broaden and maybe even deepen what it means to be a person who is, quote, unquote, organized, because really, organization and the sort of stereotypical way that we look at time management and life management, it feels a lot about control and that you're trying to remove the unruliness from your life, that everything needs to be completely frictionless and easy all the time. And I don't know about you, but that's not real. No, that's not real. Not at all. So instead of trying to make it real, instead of trying to manufacture a life and sort of mold this life together to make something without stress or problems, why not shift how we see time management into being something that is more akin to, I want to be a grounded person right here, rather than try to control my circumstances, because I can't actually control all of them. So instead of being somebody who can organize or plan a week or a month or even a year to the nth degree, and then reverse engineer that, which is exhausting and unrealistic. And for women in particular, that's what.
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A
I love about your book. You put an emphasis on the different Factors that women have to endure in time.
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B
So the thing that is wild to me, when I started to write this book, when I started to write the plan is I thought, I wanna create something that has not been made before. I wanna say some things that I don't wanna just give, like another resource that doesn't meet people exactly where they are. And so when I was looking at the books that tend to be on the list the most, and people are reading these time management books, 93% of them are written by men. And that is not to say that there's not good things in them or it just means that the information that we're getting are incomplete. But what's wild, it's 93% of the books are written by men. 70 to 90% of those books are read by women.
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A
Oh, wow. Yeah. Okay.
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B
Time management books. So it's kind of like that's why we.
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A
Because we have more to do, we have more advice on it, we have.
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B
More to do, we have more to.
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A
Do, and we're getting advice from men.
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B
That's so frustrating. And a lot of those men, again, it's not necessarily their fault. It's just that we just need to look at the facts here. It's that so many authors don't have bosses. I don't. I don't have a boss. And so I get to sort of make my own choices about my work. But most people don't have that ability. And so you have authors who are writing and they don't have a boss. You have. Men are not sort of holding the invisible scaffolding of the home and the children's moods, if there are children involved in all of that. And then they don't have periods, which is a whole thing on its own.
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A
I love the period talk. It's so not discussed and it's not a taboo topic. I feel like more and more people now are being open to discussing it.
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B
Agreed.
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A
But you put it in something that's framing it as. It's pretty scientific reasoning why we can't.
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B
Do stuff certain day.
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A
Why we can't do certain things, certain days of the month or make decisions that are. This is the problem. I don't want it to get into, like, this is why women can't be president. Yeah. Right. So there's that balance between that. But I mean, there is something happening to us for a week, some of us, 10 days. Like, I know that for me, suffering from endometriosis and different things, a lot of my decision making is affected for about a two week Period, we'll say. And things can be overwhelming. And it would be crazy to say, like, I was at my best for some decisions that I had to make at some different times. So I love that you discuss it, talk about periods.
- [07:50]
B
Well, talk about it. I want to actually start before I talk about the periods. As you just said, I'm not at my best.
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A
No one's at their best when they're exhausted. I'm not at my best really ever anymore, to be honest with you. I have four children. So if we're talking about am I ever going to be as quick and vivacious as I was nine years ago? Absolutely not. No. Not in any regard. I'm tired. Well.
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B
And I think that that measuring stick is broken.
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A
Yeah.
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B
I don't think that anybody needs to strive all the time to be the best in the way that we have always been taught that means. Which is, like, we're very optimized in our energy and our decisions, and we're, like, so present with everything that's going on, but we also are really productive. And there's just a lot of, like, I feel my body even going, like, when I'm talking about it.
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A
Yeah. There's a lot of nuance to it. Because my best that I'm describing nine years ago was not my best. I just had a different worry. I was differently ill, so. You're so right. It really isn't. That wasn't my best either. I don't know what is best.
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B
Well, I think maybe the word best is best left not as a priority. What if it's contentment? You know, what if it's being whole right here? What does that look like for people if they take away. I wasn't my best self today, or I didn't make the most of this opportunity. I talked to moms all the time, talk to a lot of moms. And the pervasiveness of that message of I've got to make the most of this. I have to make the most of this opportunity to memory of this teaching moment. Everything is just laden with pressure and stakes. And what that does is it takes us out of it, too. It takes us out of that moment. It doesn't allow for people to just be mediocre in the moment. And teaching our kids that, like, you're not always gonna be. You're not always gonna have the same am energy and patience and all those things available to you. And so let's instead learn how to be integrated right here where we are no matter what the circumstances are. And so that's one very important thing, I think, that is part of this, but connected to the period stuff.
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A
Yeah.
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B
I would even maybe zoom out a little bit from. It's not just about a woman's cycle. It's really paying attention to your own energy because there are women who are on birth control, there are women who are in menopause. Like, there are lots of different things that impact your cycle. So you're not necessarily gonna have the same symptoms. I mean, even people who do have a regular cycle might have a much stronger menstrual time where they're just. They're out four days and it's just, see you later, we'll talk on Sunday. So everybody has different experiences of that. But I think what I want us to do is step back and honor whatever energy that we have that day. And it's. You don't have to like hustle your way to this optimized day, even if your body hurts. There are people with. It's not even just about periods, people who have chronic illness and people. You know, there are all these things that impact how we show up every day.
- [11:11]
A
And not even just about that one day where you're hard on yourself about something. For me, I can have a day that, as I said earlier, like, wasn't my best or it wasn't what I thought it would be, or I could have done better because I've grown up thinking I had to be perfect all the time. And it's not just about that day. I am tough on myself for days after it to the point where those continue not to be great either.
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B
Yeah, yeah.
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A
And that's tough. Some of us are really hard on ourselves for those days that we don't do it the way that we think that we are told we should be done.
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B
That's right. That's right. My first book is called the Lazy Genius way and it's 13 principles. Because I don't feel like we need new ways of how to do things. We kind of know low key what to do. I think we actually need to change how we see and think about ourselves and our lives and time and all that. And so that's why I love the principles because they are versatile and personal and it doesn't matter what your season of life is and all of that. And one of those principles that some people roll their eyes about, but it's deeply, deeply important is to be kind to yourself. Because if you don't, if you don't start there, if you don't start from a place of kindness, even when you mess up, it's really hard to move towards yourself in a restorative way, just like you would another human being. If you are going into a disagreement with a partner, even a kid or a coworker or something like that, and you go into that already from a place of, there's like a guard up, there's no kindness involved at all. Especially with someone that you really do love and you want to preserve that relationship. It pushes you apart rather than draws you together. Right? And we do the same thing to ourselves when we're unkind to ourselves over and over again. It's very fragmenting. And so I think starting from a place of kindness, even when you do mess up, is how we want people to treat us when we mess up towards them.
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A
And I will say that is, you're right, people do roll their eyes at things like that.
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B
They do.
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A
They, I don't give a fuck, honestly anymore if people are rolling their eyes at it and think it's silly. Because I know that I'm extending that to my children as well. And they are gonna grow up in a better place than I grew up where I thought I had to be amazing all the time, perfect all the time, get everything right. I was so hard on myself. I'm still really hard on myself. I think of myself at this point as a bit of a lost cause. Like I take all I can from everyone that I get to speak to and it's beautiful and I make all these changes and it's won. But the fact that I can be able to reflect this information onto my daughter, it is not a roll your eyes thing or a bad thing to tell my daughter to be kind to herself, not at all. And to give herself grace when she makes mistakes or to be able to change things that she wants to change about how she's operating. People love to judge every little thing that anyone wants to learn about or expand upon and you just realize they're just not in this right space yet to accept this. But it's so true. Be kind to yourself. You deserve. There are a lot of things that I would have rolled my eyes at a couple years ago, before I was in the space to accept it, I would have been like, oh, that's such woo woo bullshit, like you've lived in LA too long, blah, blah blah. Or I know that some people listen and they're like, that's a very privileged take to be able to rest and to be able to give yourself rest. But I understand now that so many people need to hear these simple things.
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B
It's more universal than it is. It gets.
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A
Yes, it really is. You say in the book, we aren't bad at planning. It's just that we're using a system that wasn't built for us. Can you unpack what that means to people? But mostly women.
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B
Yeah. So even if you look at this from like a historical standpoint, in America, everything was built for men and women, by men.
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A
Right.
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In general. And so the rhythms of a woman's body, but also just the invisible load that women do carry and have for so long, that's just not been. That's just not been part of things. But also, I think the system, when I say that I'm talking about sort of the time management productivity system, it is built on one particular goal. And that goal is greatness. You gotta be great at everything. You're gonna optimize everything. You're going to be the best version of yourself at all times. It's leveling up constantly. And I'm not saying that is bad. Greatness is a wonderful thing. My son is 15, and he wants to be a great composer.
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A
Oh, my God.
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B
And he's really good at it, and he loves it. And I want him to chase this thing that he really cares about. Right. But I also want him to recognize that if he makes his greatness the ultimate goal, that will come at a cost. And part of that cost might be a little bit of himself right now. If he chooses that, that's okay. Just like anybody can choose what their own priority is going to be. But I think most people, especially most women and moms who are at home who are listening to this, when they're on a walk right now, they're like, do I really have to be great every single day?
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A
Yeah.
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That's the sound.
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A
Can I just exist?
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The sound. Yes, exactly. So the system is built for people who are trying to be great and who are also starting from an invisible future that they manufacture. It's like, what do I want my life to look like when I'm however old and however many years? And then you reverse engineer that in a very linear way, which not everybody is even wired to think that way. And you reverse engineer it and you keep work in the plan to make yourself as great as possible every single day to get to that future. And what that also does, this is another reason why the system is broken. That means that every day is supposed to build on tomorrow. Every day builds on itself. So if you mess up one day, it's kind of like you're starting Over.
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A
Yeah. Instead of being part of the process.
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B
Oh, my gosh.
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Yeah. It's so exhausting.
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So that's why. It's not that I want us to like, figure out how women can fit into this better and hack your energy and. No, we need a whole new way of seeing this, which is, we don't. The goal is not greatness. You can pursue it, but the ultimate goal.
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Really.
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What if it was, I'm gonna be who I am right here, right now. I'm gonna be an integrated person. Brene Brown calls it a wholehearted person. I'm gonna be a wholehearted person here and I'm gonna be content with this.
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Yeah.
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I'm going to cultivate that. And that actually expands our ability to pursue greatness in a healthy way in places that it does matter to us. So if we're starting from a new place, which is today, not from the future, and if our goal is contentment and integration instead of greatness, we need to have a whole new set of tools. Right?
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A
Oh, I feel this deeply. I am like thrown into being like a CEO and a boss and an author and these things, but I am so happy just being a mom and a wife and getting to exist with my kids and teach these four little beings how to be the best people possible. When I was little, the only thing I knew for sure that I wanted was to be a mom. I often think that I am meant to be just a stay at home mom and have that be my life. I feel extremely fulfilled by it. I feel 1000% busy with it. And then the things that I do on top of it are just me reporting for duty for somebody else. And I'm totally okay knowing that I. This is a new thing, by the way. I have gotten to the point where I'm okay knowing that my legacy, if it were just like my four children and the four dogs I have and the bearded dragon, if they're successful and happy in their world and their life, like that's a win. That makes me happy. But it doesn't. I don't consider myself a well rounded human because I have a business and I'm a mom and I'm a wife. Like, I no longer think that way. And it took an incredible amount of therapy and confidence and we'll say ketamine maybe to get to this place in life and maybe just getting older, Maybe it's that simple.
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B
I think that's part of it. But what you're saying, you are naming the fact that you have named what matters to you and what's really important is that everyone is gonna have a different answer, and we should all be free to name what that is for us. I remember. Oh, my gosh. So I have three kids. And they're older now. They're 15, 13, and 9. But when they were that older. This is. I mean, they're still very kids. I know. But when they were little.
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A
Little.
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B
When they were littles. Yeah.
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A
Yeah.
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B
I did not enjoy it at all.
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A
Which is totally okay to say, by the way.
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B
Which is okay to say. And that's the thing, is that we need to. In the realm of being a mother, of being a partner, of having a job, of being a friend, we all operate very differently. We care about different things. And the problem is that we're sort of told, no, no, actually, these are the things you're supposed to care about. And really, it's everything.
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A
Really.
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B
You have to care about everything. And you have to be awesome at all of it. Good luck with that. Here are rules and written by men for you, ma', am, to do it. And that is unsustainable. It's just not going to work. So I think it's really important, people listening to hear. I'm just imagining like a mom pushing her kids in the strollers down the street. And you may love it. It may be your favorite part of the day, and then someone else listening may be your least favorite part of the day. And both answers are okay. Because we live in seasons of life, and we need to acknowled that sometimes different seasons of life don't automatically present us with the thing that matters the most. That's the most fulfilling for us. That doesn't mean that we're doing it wrong. It doesn't mean that we're failing at something. It just means like, wow, this does not activate me in the way that other things do. And I don't need to feel bad about that. I can still be who I am here. I can still honor this job, these responsibilities, these sweet people that I love so much. I can still hold my baby. I really think that the resistance that we experience as people, or whether it's our own resistance towards someone else's different decisions or theirs towards ours, is there. Is this. What's the word I want to use? If someone else chooses something differently than you do, and you believe that you're actually supposed to make everything matter and everything count, but you see someone else making something that doesn't matter to you or that you're not good at or whatever, working over here, you immediately really the first thing is you feel bad about yourself.
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Yeah. You take it as a personal dig.
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B
And so it's now their fault. They're trying too hard. I remember walking through a Target one time when my kids were. My two oldest were tiny. They were like two and a baby. And there was a mom who had her two kids. She looked so cute that day. She had so much produce in her cart. And I had goldfish. Yes. There was so much color, full rainbow. And I had goldfish and nuggets and whatever. Like, I was just trying to survive. And my kids were currently also eating. My 2 year old was like eating goldfish. And I was in sweats for the day. You know, like all the things like I was. I did not feel like the kind of mother that I thought I should be in that moment. And what I did rather than, here's what I would do now. I would say I might not even notice her. I might just be like, how's she doing? She's just a person. And say, this is who I am today. And that's okay.
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A
You would have taken it as a person.
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B
Then I was like, she's trying so hard with her red lipstick in Target. She probably has credit card debt with all that Joanna Gaines stuff.
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A
So judgy.
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B
Like, so judgy. The worst thing, because really what I was doing though was judging myself. How I was showing up that day was not sufficient. It was not even sufficient. I would have killed for sufficiency then. It was really like the optimal. I was not reaching the optimal thing. And so someone else that I perceived as doing that, they're the problem. And then what does that do? It pushes women farther from each other. And then you have these little camps of hot mess moms over here and I've got it together moms over here, when really we're all just struggling with the same things. So the more that we can. I think that's where that sky is blue thing comes from, is it's really a resistance to our own choices. So instead, if we can kind of start from the ground up here and go. Everybody gets to choose what matters to them in the season that they're in. Let them. Let them. And they can. Let's let each other do that. And then we become more of like a collective of women and moms and people who are just giving permission to each other to go, like, do what you need to do. And it's not an us versus them thing anymore.
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A
Oh, I love that so much. I feel like we're finally in that time where we're understanding. I agree with that of other people.
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B
It's happening. It's happening.
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A
This is why, like, I don't balk at getting older because I really feel so much more understanding and empathy towards other people, especially mothers. I look back at that, I would be able to look back at that person in your target line. And now when I would have said all those same things, I could be like, man, she might have just struggled with postpartum for three months and this is the first meal. She blinked her eyes and now she feels back today.
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B
That's right.
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A
And like, she's able to do this. Oh, my God. If only we could all be this way towards each other, offer this kind of grace and kindness. I was not this person. I was a brat. I mean, the changes that I've felt within myself that I wish people would allow for with other people, like, you could have been this person one day. But it really is so wonderful now. My life feels so much more wonderful and lighter now that I'm able to see all the different corners of people and all the different perspectives that somebody can be going through. And not just because I'm being kind to them, but because it's like being kinder to myself. And I feel a certain lightness about it now. I feel healthy thinking this way and not being this negative, judgy asshole all the time. God, it's so freeing and so wonderful. So don't stress about getting older. This came with years of learning and judgment on others. I feel in such a better space now, and it's like such a. Ugh. I love it.
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B
I know. It feels really good.
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A
I think the start is so hard for some people. If someone were actually trying to get a grasp on getting control of their life, where can they start? Because for me, the starting point has always been the hardest with anything. The thesis statement that this. What can they do?
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B
Well, the reason that's hard is because we think that however we start today must begin. A machine that lives until we die.
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A
Yes.
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B
It's the whole day. Stacked on day. Stacked on day.
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A
Yes.
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B
Okay, so it feels like a lot of pressure to start today because then it's like, well, what about tomorrow?
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A
Yeah, like, it's ye.
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B
So really where we start, it's less about where you start. It's about how you start. And you start small. You start small. Let's say you walk into your living room and kitchen area where all your life in your house happens, and it's just. It's just chaos. You know, there's cups Everywhere there's dishes, everywhere there's toys. Everything's everywhere. Everything's everywhere. What we often do is we have what I call big black trash bag energy. And I say it, and everybody already knows what it is. Where you're like, I can't take it anymore. Everybody come get your stuff. Or it's going in the trash bag, you know, where It's a big start over energy, right? That you're like, we have to. Things are gonna change around here. And because the overwhelm is wrong, we see stuff everywhere as not just a sign of life, but it's wrong. And so therefore, we need to put everything in while order is great, and I love order. And sometimes our outward order does impact our inner life. You know, it does. Like, I'm that way. If my space is really messy, it is hard to kind of focus. Like that's a real thing. But in terms of where we're starting, you start small, and you live in your season. If you look at your home and you have little kids in it, which means there's gonna be toys and crumbs and little haribos and like, all kinds of things everywhere. And you look at that without recognizing that that is a season that you're in. If you're comparing it to how your living room looked before kids or how your friend's living room looked when you came over, but she cleaned it before you got there. If you start comparing that to what you have right now without paying attention to the season of life you're in, then you really are going to have just. You're going to keep starting over. It's why when kids aren't participating, you know, all of a sudden, mom's like, complicated chore chart is on the fridge, and here we go. Everybody's doing, you know, you're building this really big system that is not where you start, but that's where almost every single book that people buy, you're being taught that you're being taught some big steps.
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A
And the standards that you're pushed are like, you need this and your life will be better.
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B
Everything is about how to level up this life that you actually should not be content with. My friend Kelly said this to me. Contentment does not drive economic activity. And that's true. If you're happy with how things are here, you're not gonna go buy this other thing to make it, quote, unquote, better. There's nothing wrong with making things better. But I'm trying to.
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A
It's not sustainable. It's not sustainable.
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B
And I'M trying to show that it really is the air that we breathe. You know, it's just everywhere. So I kind of. Sometimes people can be frustrated with me when they're like, well, how do you do this? Like, what's the order? Like, what's the formula? And I'm like, there's not one that you want it, but that's not what life is a lot of the time.
- [29:43]
A
Oh, I've learned that there's not a pill for everything. There's not a fix for everything.
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B
So instead, if you start small in the season that you're in, if you name what matters to you right now, that's where you begin. And you practice that. You practice asking that question. You practice being kind to yourself with whatever the answer is and kind to other people who don't like your answer. Or you practice naming what with a partner who actually has a different answer than you do. And then you kind of have to go like, okay, interesting order and things being put away matters to you. But I don't want to be picking stuff up all the time. So how can we come together and sort of make this work for both of us? If you start small where you are, it is the least sexy answer there is. It's to start small right here.
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A
Yeah.
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B
Because we want something that we can manufacture and control and check off and all that. Because we're taught that's how you do it.
- [30:36]
A
I wish we could reframe it even as. And I only thought while you were talking. I wish I could look at that mess and be like, man, I would have killed little me to know that I would have this mess of four kids around. That's always. That's exactly what I wanted in life. I wanted this environment. I killed for this environment. I worked really hard for it.
- [30:55]
B
Because it matters to you.
- [30:56]
A
It does.
- [30:57]
B
You can name that.
- [30:58]
A
So does cleanliness.
- [30:59]
B
Sure.
- [30:59]
A
Cleanliness and, like, order matter a lot to me because I get crazy. So I guess that's the balance of it. Giving yourself a little. I keep saying it, but grace with it. It's hard. I get it. Because you were supposed to be. By the looks of the Internet and the looks of, like, mom talk and not mom talk. That's like the Mormon one. Whatever mom TikTok is or mom reels, whatever. That shows this, like, aura of perfection all the time. We become really hard on ourselves about it. And I think we're getting.
- [31:30]
B
I'm like.
- [31:31]
A
I wanna say we're getting better with accepting that things are always gonna be a little chaotic and messy and finding, like, an okayness in that, we're also hit from the other side of, oh, so many other people out there are perfect.
- [31:44]
B
And that's what we think all the time. That's what we think. Yeah. And if we are existing in what we think is the truth of I'm supposed to make everything great all the time, then the choice of whatever we do today has to match that. Whereas if instead you go, no, the goal is that I'm just gonna be who I am right now. I'm gonna try to be a kind person here right now. And then what that does is it actually puts you in a position where you can start small towards something that does matter to you. So, like, for example, I have three kids. I have a husband. Everybody's drinking things all the time. There's cups everywhere.
- [32:16]
A
Oh, my God.
- [32:18]
B
It's like a whole thing.
- [32:19]
A
I never had a cup growing up, by the way. I had a hose. And that was the cup.
- [32:24]
B
The cup. The hose was the cup. So now you live in a home of. And it's like, what are we doing with all these cups? And I was feeling that way. I was feeling like kids couldn't find their cups, and then they'd get another cup, and then it was just endless cups. And so instead of the reaction might be is to see it really big. The system is broken. Everything's wrong in this home. Like, we take one problem and we kind of make it that everything is messed up, and we have to change every. It's the big black trash bag energy. If you stay small and you go, what is the smallest problem I can solve here in this place of frustration? Pay attention to what you're frustrated with. Pay attention to what you need, and then go, okay, what's the smallest problem that I can solve here? And I looked around, and I was like, there's so many cups, and I'm tired of the kids, mom, where's my cup? Where's my water bottle? Or getting the new things, whatever. So what I did is I got a lazy Susan and it spins, and it's called our cup spinner. Yeah, I started this 10 years ago. We still use it. It's still on the counter. And that's where everybody's water bottles at the end of school, including mine. That's where everybody's cups. That's where they live. So when you need a cup, you go get your cup.
- [33:37]
A
Yeah, but it has a place.
- [33:38]
B
It has a place. There are no cups all over my house, I'm telling you.
- [33:42]
A
And so simple.
- [33:43]
B
It's so simple. I solved that small problem, and it changed my perspective on the general messiness of my house. Really. I was just annoyed by all the cups. So I took care of the cups, and now we're good, you know, and so you just keep solving the smallest problem that you can solve in a place that really irritates you. And we think, though, that all of those small problems are supposed to connect somehow. You know where I use this analogy? In the plan, we're taught that living our life is like putting together a puzzle. That you find the edge piece, there's an order, you find the edge pieces, and then you group things. Everything's categorized, and you do the flowers, and then you do the hot air balloon part. But every piece has one spot. That is not how life goes. Life is really like painting. And you might have access to one color one day and 15 colors another day, and you might have a lot of time to feel like you can paint your life. And other days, you're like, man, I got nothing today. Every single painting counts. Every single day counts the same. And so there's great value in not necessarily trying to connect the solving of this small problem to this small problem to this small problem. Just solve a small problem.
- [34:59]
A
So what's your version of a taco floaty? That one tiny thing you grab onto when everything is falling apart.
- [35:07]
B
So I think that what we expect. Let me give a little context to this. I think that what happens when we feel like we're drowning is that we have to get to shore immediately. Like, I need to be on dry land, and you cannot teleport from drowning to dry land. This was something that my therapist led me through during a really busy season of life. And also, I just was. Yeah, it was. Just felt like there was too much. I was at capacity as a person emotionally and all these things. And I said, I'm just drowning, and I just want to get to shore. And she said, well, I think you need to have some steps between those two things. You're expecting to get to shore just like that. So how about instead, can you visualize somebody giving you a floatie? What does it look like? And you're still in the water. You're still in the water, but you have something to hold onto. And it was a taco. And I was like, it's a taco floaty. Tacos are the best. So I'm holding onto my taco floaty. And then she said, okay, when you're there, when you get. So for me, really, a lot of times, this Is another thing that people roll their eyes about, but good gracious, it's breathing. The number of times that I feel myself escalating so high that the frequency of my body is such that everything feels hard that I can just go, okay, like, this is wild. My mom had a cardiac episode. The ambulance was called. This was on Easter two years ago. The ambulance was called, they came. Her heart rate and blood pressure, it was. Everything was sky high, like, dangerously high. She took a deep breath, and her numbers dropped, but she couldn't do it in the moment. She didn't know that that's what she needed. And the EMT person, like, literally just said, okay, we need you to take a couple deep breaths. And everything dropped. And she went. That's all?
- [36:54]
A
Yeah, that's all it took.
- [36:56]
B
And it was. I just think that the power of slowing your body down and telling yourself that, like, hey, we're all right. Everything's. We're all right. This is hard. This is hard. We're not ignoring that. We're not dismissing that. We're not having, like, toxic positivity of, like, everything's gonna be fine, you know, like, we're not doing that. But you can, in this moment, go, okay, okay. And that's almost like grabbing onto the floaty, and then you can go, all right. There's a. Because visualizing is helpful sometimes. It's like, oh, there's like, a platform in the middle of the water. Shore's really far, but there's a platform. I'm gonna slowly kick my way over there. And that might take a few days of you going to bed earlier, of you having good conversations with people that care about you, having a good cry, going for a run, you know, things to just sort of help you get back to yourself a little bit. And then you're kind of on that platform. Maybe your schedule is still nuts or you're still struggling with whatever it is mentally that you're struggling with, but now you've gotten to the platform a little bit, you can go, okay, do I need to still hold onto the floaty and go slow this way? Do I need to visualize another platform between me and there am I. It's the smallness again that when we're feeling overwhelmed with things, we just think that the system has to change. We need a new job. We need a new house. Our partner sucks. Our kids are terribly behaved. We need new organizational systems. It's all of these things. I need to cut this relationship out of my life, because this isn't working. We just make These huge moves, big moves. And without recognizing that so many of the struggles that we're having are actually very small. Maybe there's a lot of them at once, but if we can stay small and start small with a small problem, that's sort of the version of making our way to shore. It's why one of my favorite mantras as a person in this moment is, good is here right now. Good is here right now. Because if we don't stay where we are and notice that even in really hard circumstances, really hard seasons of life, we will just like white knuckle our way through our lives or resent our way through our lives, or hustle our way through our lives without recognizing that there is actual really beautiful good things right here in this moment. And they're small. They're always small. But that's something that's hard for me to do naturally. I'm not naturally gifted at that. And I haven't lived a life that's allowed me to cultivate that skill. That's a new thing that I'm starting to learn for myself. And so I think that, that those types of small things, though, do bring deep healing and in ways that big wellness retreats or we're waiting for these big, like, light bulb moments and all of that. And really, I think just sitting in your life with a kind word does wonders. It does wonders.
- [39:51]
A
You are like a more evolved version of myself. We had very similar childhoods, but you are exactly what I strive to be. I was really difficult on myself. I'm still incredibly hard on myself. And I think hearing that is so wonderful because the book becomes so much. And it's like this with a lot of our authors. It becomes so much more than just a self help.
- [40:14]
B
Yeah. Nope.
- [40:15]
A
Everything's deep. Everything goes back to how we grew up, how we wanna be different. Something I wanna change about myself is I want to be more like you. And I want to stop just throwing myself away, being like, well, I'm a lost cause. I can't fix myself.
- [40:31]
B
I wasn't gonna bring that up again, but when you said that earlier, I was like, I don't like that at all. I don't like that at all. Not from the perspective of like, you're not a lost cause and you can be better. It's not that. It's that choice of language.
- [40:44]
A
Yeah.
- [40:45]
B
That matters a lot. Don't call yourself a lost cause.
- [40:47]
A
I know.
- [40:48]
B
That's not kind at all.
- [40:49]
A
I know, I know, I know.
- [40:50]
B
And not true. And not even the measuring stick that I Think you want to use in your life anyway?
- [40:55]
A
I know. I think at some point I got to the age where I was like, God, like, all this stuff has happened to me and maybe I can't fix myself with it, but I have all these children I can fix it with. That's kind of my train of thought with it, because I've been on this train of trying to fix those things and undo those things from childhood or just recently. So it's hearing the words from you that it can be really small things makes it seem doable and makes it seem like the change is still beneficial and important, and it's still important work. So, yeah, you did change that about me. Don't worry. I won't call myself a lost cause again. And now for the toolkit. Each episode, our guests distill their expertise into practical and actionable insights. Today, Kendra takes us through her lazy genius method, a five step process for problem solving.
- [42:06]
B
A lot of us try to solve big problems, but big problems require big solutions. And as we have already determined, big isn't really how we do things. So it's better if we can get a pretty small problem, and that way we can have a solution that actually works. So can you think of something in your life that is you wish were different and we can walk through the process?
- [42:32]
A
I wish I were more physically active with my children.
- [42:37]
B
Okay. Okay. Paint me a picture of what that looks like.
- [42:42]
A
I tend to be like, the really creative, fun one with the games and the outings and things. And when it comes to, like, those small, smaller moments of, mom, will you play basketball with me? Mom, will you throw the ball with me? Can we go in the backyard? Will you get in the pool? Will you swim with me? Oh, my God. Swimming. And I'm usually sitting on the couch when they come and ask this with my laptop or something. And I hate saying no to it. I hate it.
- [43:06]
B
Okay, So I think that this could be small enough. Let's go through the five steps and see what happens. So the first step is prioritize. We're gonna name what matters about this situation. Okay, so. So any answer counts. What matters the most to you about being more active with your kids?
- [43:24]
A
That they see me up and about and being active with them.
- [43:28]
B
Okay. Okay.
- [43:30]
A
They see me outside and they see me spending time with them outside and that they go to bed that night thinking, oh, my God, that's so cool. Mom came outside. Or when they grow up, mom was so there for us when we were playing. Like, yeah, we were in the pool all the time. That's how I think of it.
- [43:48]
B
Okay. No, that's not. You're cringing. You don't need to cringe about it. I do think that the all the time phrase and the looking ahead in the future could get you in trouble a little bit with your own expectations of things and making it too big. So I would just encourage you, when you think about it, is to keep it. Maybe even just today, you know, I.
- [44:06]
A
Make it such a thing because, you know, as parents, we're all constantly thinking about what are they gonna be on the couch for with their therapist, what are they gonna be? Because it's going to be something. It's going to be something. And I'm so worried that my thing is going to be like, my mom was so lazy. That's what I'm so scared of. I've really never said that out loud before, but I am so scared that they're going to be on that couch and say, my mom was lazy. Oh, my God. That's really it for me.
- [44:31]
B
And so kind of a manifestation of that is you actually playing with them outside when they ask?
- [44:38]
A
Yeah.
- [44:38]
B
Okay.
- [44:38]
A
Even though I'm still there in so many other ways. We make dinner together. They're on the counter, they're chopping with me. I try to teach them everything I can. For me, I'm so frustrated with myself that I don't spend outdoor time with them.
- [44:53]
B
Okay, okay. All right, well, let's go to step two and see what happens. Okay, so that was one. Prioritize. We name what matters. Step two is to essentialize. We are going to get rid of what is in the way.
- [45:05]
A
Okay.
- [45:05]
B
Okay. So what is in the way of you playing with them outside on an average day?
- [45:14]
A
I hate it. Sure.
- [45:16]
B
I'm getting that. I'm getting that.
- [45:19]
A
It's hot.
- [45:20]
B
It's hot.
- [45:21]
A
It comes down to it's hot. And I don't like it.
- [45:23]
B
You don't like it? Yeah. Okay, so it's like a physical comfort and a preference thing.
- [45:28]
A
Yeah.
- [45:29]
B
Okay. All right, all right. So here's the thing. Do you know how many people are agreeing with you so hard right now? What matters is that you do something outside with your kids that does matter to you. You want them to see that.
- [45:45]
A
Yes, it matters because that's a part of childhood, playing with your parent outside. I want them to have all those moments. And also, I feel like it's my job. I had four kids. I signed up for this. Get your ass outside and play with your kids.
- [45:59]
B
That's it, too. Okay. Okay, we might revisit that last bit, but we'll see. Okay, so it matters that you're outside with your kids. That's a priority. What's in the way is that you don't like it and that it's hot, it's uncomfortable, it's a bit annoying. They're not necessarily annoying, but the act of it is not pleasant in any way, really. Okay. All right. So step three is to organize. It's to put things in their place. What is something that you could put in place that would help you honor that priority while also paying attention to the fact that you don't like.
- [46:35]
A
Could be as simple as laying a blanket down with an umbrella.
- [46:39]
B
Bingo. Yep, that's exactly right.
- [46:42]
A
Yeah.
- [46:44]
B
So you could try to put that in place for a little while. And so when they ask, you can know. I don't have to put my feet on the astroturf. There is going to be shade. I'm not gonna be really hot.
- [46:55]
A
This is where I spiral now. Am I so selfish for, like, no. Things to feel comfortable.
- [47:01]
B
I want you to think about all the things that your kids need to feel comfortable.
- [47:05]
A
Oh, fucking yeah.
- [47:07]
B
Okay, so it's okay for you to need things also? I know they are kids, but we all are sort of. I mean, I'm 43 years old, and I'm playing pretend being an adult sometimes. So you could put a big blanket that you love by the door. You could put an umbrella out there that stays so you don't have to lug it out or whatever. Like, you can actually set something up. There's like a. There's a mom out outside play space. You organize that. Okay. Which leads us to number four, which is to personalize. You need to feel like yourself. So think about when you are playing outside. Even though you don't really like it, even though you might be hot, but when you really focus on what matters to you, which is being with them, what is it that makes you feel like yourself in that moment? Like, it could be an activity or it could be a mindset. What is something that makes you feel like yourself in that?
- [47:56]
A
If I got to prepare little tea sandwiches with my littles and then brought them outside and we got to enjoy them outside.
- [48:02]
B
Oh, my gosh.
- [48:03]
A
That would be heaven.
- [48:04]
B
That would be heaven.
- [48:05]
A
Yes.
- [48:05]
B
Okay, that leads us to step five.
- [48:07]
A
I'm so excited about this.
- [48:08]
B
Which is to systemize and put something in a flow. So they come to you and they say, mom, we will go outside. You already know the decision. You know the answer is yes. Because you have a blanket out there. You have an umbrella in place. Right. And then you could go, yes, I can. All right, let's take 20 minutes, and let's go make our outside step snacks. Let's go down to the kitchen to make our snacks. And so you get to feel like yourself. You already have the decision in place. And then you go outside and you sit on your blanket, and maybe you throw the ball. Maybe you sit there and do the sandwiches. Maybe you don't need to do as much actual physical activity. I think they just want you there. So if you can find a way to get there in a way that makes you feel like yourself, which you just did. How do you feel thinking about the next time they ask you if you could? If they.
- [48:51]
A
It's really so real. I get excited. Even thinking about it like that makes it sound doable.
- [48:56]
B
Yeah.
- [48:57]
A
And, God, the feeling that I would have after the high that I'd be riding because I did it, too, is really worth it, because I really love spending time with my kids. I've just built it up to be this big thing in my mind where I gotta lay down the bases and we gotta play a full. You gotta do a whole thing. We gotta hit home runs.
- [49:16]
B
You're going too big.
- [49:17]
A
Yeah.
- [49:17]
B
Yeah. You don't need to do that.
- [49:19]
A
As you've been talking about this, I've really realized that. Why this is so hard for me.
- [49:26]
B
Why that always happens. By the way, it's so crazy.
- [49:30]
A
I had this big epiphany when you were talking. I do everything really big when we say, like, go to the roller rink or something. I'm getting us all costumes. We're wearing neon. We are renting the space out. We are hiring a photographer. A lot of my Girl Scout moms. Cause I'm a troop leader. So when I organize the events for us, they call me Extra. They call me Chrissy Extra Teagan. Cause I do too much.
- [49:58]
B
Cause it's fun.
- [49:59]
A
Cause it's fun for me. I love kids stuff. I love planning activities.
- [50:03]
B
That's awesome.
- [50:04]
A
And so I very rarely do things on a normal level where it's just us getting out. We're gonna pick up the kids, we're gonna walk, and we're gonna go play at this park. We're gonna do this meeting. I'm like. I'm like, no, we need a theme. What's the budget? What's the. This, like, the cake. We need a theme cake. I don't ever do small things.
- [50:25]
B
Yeah.
- [50:26]
A
And since everything is such a big thing, the Small things seem minuscule or pointless.
- [50:32]
B
Yep.
- [50:32]
A
And they're not pointless.
- [50:33]
B
They're not pointless. No.
- [50:36]
A
You've just taught me in this past hour that those things aren't pointless or they feel.
- [50:40]
B
They feel like they are. And I think, think it's almost. I wanted to say. Yes, small things are the point.
- [50:46]
A
Yeah.
- [50:47]
B
Small things aren't pointless. They are the point.
- [50:48]
A
They are. They're so meaningful and so impactful. Oh, my God. This is really what happens when you give someone with trauma money, like, disposable income. I have too much disposable income, so I'm like, how can I be insane today?
- [51:05]
B
Such a good line. Yeah.
- [51:07]
A
Honestly, this has been. Been, like, such a refreshing talk. Thank you so much for being here today on Self Conscious. This has been really wonderful. Thank you.
- [51:14]
B
Thank you for having me.
- [51:23]
A
Kendra, I want to thank you for joining me today on Self Conscious. The plan by Kendra Adachi is available on Audible. Until then, tune in, turn on and feel better. This is Chrissy Teigen and you've been listening to Self Consciousness, an Audible original podcast. This has been an Audible original produced by Audible and Huntly Productions, hosted by Chrissy Teigen, Written and directed by Jimmy Jelinek Executive Producers Jimmy Jelinek Chrissy Teigen Executive Producer for Audible Stacy Creamer Head of Creative Development at Audible Kate Navin Chief Content Officer Rachel Giazza Copyright 2024 by Audible Originals LLC C Sound Recording Copyright 2024 by Audible Originals LL.