A New Path

Summary

Senseless with Erika Mahoney: Episode "A New Path" – Detailed Summary

Release Date: July 22, 2025
Host: Erika Mahoney, LLC
Podcast Description:
"Senseless" delves into accounts of gun violence and the ensuing trauma. Hosted by Erika Mahoney, who lost her father in a tragic mass shooting, the podcast features conversations with survivors, community leaders, and others directly affected by such tragedies, all exploring the journey toward healing and moving forward.

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1. Embracing Grief and Moving Forward

Erika Mahoney opens the episode by sharing her personal journey of grief following the mass shooting at King Soopers in Boulder, Colorado, which claimed the lives of her father and nine others. She reflects on the duality of experiencing life's milestones amidst profound loss:

"Grief means that every big life moment... comes with a sense of loneliness." (02:20)

Erika discusses her decision to move back to Boulder, a place fraught with painful memories yet vital for her healing process. This move symbolizes her quest to carve a new path despite the lingering trauma.

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2. The Remembrance Ceremony

Erika attends the third anniversary remembrance ceremony at Etown, a community music venue in downtown Boulder. The event is a solemn gathering where family members of the victims share their stories and emotions. Key moments include:

• Pam Davis, Assistant City Manager:

  "No amount of leadership training can prepare anyone for that phone call." (05:22)

• Kirsten Talley, Sister of Officer Eric Talley:
  Kirsten poignantly expresses the enduring impact of grief:

  "I don't think we talk enough about all the different people we become in grief... we have no other choice but to carry on." (07:02)

• Bob Olds, Uncle of Ricky Olds:
  Bob shares his ongoing struggle with anger and guilt:

  "Why didn't I teach my niece what to do when something like this happened?" (09:02)

Erika herself delivers a heartfelt speech, encapsulating her journey from devastation to finding purpose through storytelling:

"There's no blueprint for grief... Coming home has been magical. It's hard and it's healing, and it's okay to be both at the same time." (11:04)

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3. Investigating the Aftermath: Boulder Community Health

Determined to understand the immediate response to the tragedy, Erika visits Boulder Community Health, where she interviews key staff members involved during the shooting:

• Jackie Atlassi Prius, COO and Chief Nursing Officer:
  Reflecting on the day of the shooting:

  "I just hoped that our staff were safe because we could have had our own staff in there." (20:36)

• Dr. David Whitling, Primary ER Doctor:
  Dr. Whitling shares his feelings of helplessness:

  "What's actually going on? We did not treat any of the victims of the crime, which is just terrible." (22:32)

The hospital's preparedness contrasted painfully with the tragic outcomes, highlighting the fragility of life even in moments of readiness.

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4. Boulder Strong Resource Center: A Hub for Healing

Erika explores the Boulder Strong Resource Center, a community initiative established shortly after the shooting to provide support and healing for those affected. Through her interviews with Julie Ratinoff, the program manager, Erika learns about the center's role in fostering resilience:

• Julie Ratinoff:
  Describing the center's environment and purpose:

  "This is our living room... a place of respite, a place for healing." (30:29)

Participants, including King Soopers employees and community members, find solace and strength through various programs offered at the center. The collaborative efforts underscore the community's commitment to overcoming tragedy together.

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5. Advocacy and Activism: Labor Day Parade with Moms Demand Action

A pivotal moment in the episode is Erika's participation in the Labor Day Parade with Moms Demand Action, a gun violence prevention group. She narrates her internal conflict about maintaining journalistic neutrality while advocating for change:

"I feel so good to be blending finally these two parts of myself, the advocacy part and the reporting part." (34:20)

During the parade, Erika interacts with fellow advocates who share their personal losses and motivations for fighting gun violence. Highlights include:

• Paige Leonard, Boulder Chapter Member:
  Reflecting on past tragedies:

  "I do this work in memory of my best friend Gina... by a man that shouldn't have owned a gun." (35:52)

• Lisa Hughes, Advocate and Sister of a Deceased Child:
  Discussing the importance of safe gun storage:

  "I especially am an advocate for the Be Smart program for safe gun storage and gun locks because the more we talk about that, the less kiddos will die." (37:53)

These narratives emphasize the personal stakes and collective drive to enact meaningful change.

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6. Personal Transformation and the Birth of "Senseless"

Erika concludes the episode by articulating her transformation through grief and her decision to create the "Senseless" podcast. She describes shedding old habits of insecurity and embracing authenticity:

"Grief taught me to let go of the things that were holding me back... living unauthentically is a waste of time." (38:40)

"Senseless" becomes a medium for Erika to share her story and those of others, fostering a community of healing and resilience.

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7. Looking Ahead: Upcoming Episodes

Erika provides a glimpse into future episodes, hinting at deeper explorations into grief and healing:

"Coming up on Senseless. Searching for meaning in the fallout of loss, I meet with a medium." (40:07)

Listeners can anticipate candid conversations and diverse perspectives on navigating life after unthinkable loss.

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Key Takeaways

• Healing Through Community: The Boulder Strong Resource Center exemplifies how communal support can aid in healing after collective trauma.

• Personal Advocacy: Erika's journey underscores the importance of transforming personal grief into purposeful advocacy.

• Authenticity in Storytelling: By blending her roles as a journalist and an advocate, Erika fosters a genuine connection with her audience, offering a nuanced portrayal of grief and resilience.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• "Grief means that every big life moment... comes with a sense of loneliness." — Erika Mahoney (02:20)

• "I don't think we talk enough about all the different people we become in grief... we have no other choice but to carry on." — Kirsten Talley (07:02)

• "Why didn't I teach my niece what to do when something like this happened?" — Bob Olds (09:02)

• "There's no blueprint for grief... Coming home has been magical. It's hard and it's healing, and it's okay to be both at the same time." — Erika Mahoney (11:04)

• "What's actually going on? We did not treat any of the victims of the crime, which is just terrible." — Dr. David Whitling (22:32)

• "I feel so good to be blending finally these two parts of myself, the advocacy part and the reporting part." — Erika Mahoney (34:20)

• "I especially am an advocate for the Be Smart program for safe gun storage and gun locks because the more we talk about that, the less kiddos will die." — Lisa Hughes (37:53)

• "Grief taught me to let go of the things that were holding me back... living unauthentically is a waste of time." — Erika Mahoney (38:40)

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Conclusion

In "A New Path," Erika Mahoney eloquently navigates the intricate landscape of grief, resilience, and advocacy. Through personal anecdotes, heartfelt testimonies, and insightful interviews, the episode offers a profound exploration of moving forward after unimaginable loss. By sharing her story and those of others, Erika not only honors the memories of the lost but also empowers listeners to find strength and purpose in their own healing journeys.

Transcript

[Erica Mahoney]

Hi, it's Erica Mahoney, the host of Lemonada's hit podcast, Senseless. The show starts in just a moment, but first, a message from a sponsor that's truly helped me. When you lose someone, people show up with flowers, meals, and kind words. But eventually they have to go home, focus on their own lives, and you're left with the reminder of your reality. Plus an overwhelming mountain of things to do. Paperwork, phone calls, account closures, plus decisions you never expected to have to make while grieving. That's where Duckbill can help. It's like an executive assistant for your personal life, powered by AI and backed by real humans. Because life is a lot. It's messy, it's complicated, and Duckbill makes it a little bit easier. Duckbill helps with the hard stuff. Canceling subscriptions, transferring utility accounts, even organizing memorial plans. It keeps track of what's done and what's next, all with kindness. I've used Duckbill to stay on top of my calendar, book doctor's appointments, and refill prescriptions, especially when life felt too heavy to manage it all. Because Duck Bill gives you structure when everything feels unstructured. Visit getduckbill.com and use code senseless for 50% off your first two months. That's getduckbill.com, and now back to the show.

[Brandt]

Lemonade.

[Erica Mahoney]

This podcast relives an account of gun violence and the trauma that follows. Please take care when listening. I promise. These are happy tears. Well, maybe like 20% sad tears. Because grief means that every big life moment, like this one where I'm standing in the bathroom about to turn over a pregnancy test, comes with a sense of loneliness. So even when there's good news. Two lines, baby. A result you wanted. These milestones are reminders that life goes on, that the world keeps turning, even when the person you love and miss isn't here. Like my dad, taken far too soon in a mass shooting, he should have been here when my baby boy entered the world.

[Baby Baba]

Happy.

[Erica Mahoney]

Happy? Are you happy? No, Baby Baba. He really loves you. He's happy to be in your arms. Now a little family of four, we were rapidly outgrowing our small house in California, so we started to look for a larger place nearby. My husband's family and our close friends were keeping us rooted in the Monterey Bay area. But in the back of my mind, Boulder had a complex pull on me. It's where my dad and nine others were gunned down at a grocery store. But it's also home, where my mom, brother, and childhood friends live for A.

[Pam Davis]

While there was this, like, shadow over Boulder, and we had this, like, weird association with Boulder.

[Erica Mahoney]

One night around Halloween, Brandt and I went out for our first solo date since having our baby boy, and I brought up Colorado in the car. Over the course of dinner, champagne, steamed mussels, and scallops, we talked about the risks of moving, all the steps it would take, whether the timing would work. We felt this sense of now or never, of going for big dreams, because we had a new, deeper understanding that time is precious. By the time our dessert came out, we decided we wanted to move. This was the moment to find a new path. Almost immediately, it felt like my dad was pulling strings from up above. Brandt got a new job in Colorado. We found a home that could easily fit all four of us. And I was working remote at the time. So we packed up our belongings and we were living in Boulder by Valentine's Day.

[Pam Davis]

Moving here, it was like we were able to just take it on full force and, you know, be with your family. And I think it's been amazing for you, especially to, like, reconnect with these memories you had from your childhood. And it's been awesome to get to see where you grew up because, you know, where we lived before you were growing up in my world.

[Erica Mahoney]

We moved right before the third anniversary of the mass shooting. Each year, the city holds a memorial, live streaming it online so all the family members of those killed can participate. For the first time, I spoke in person at the remembrance ceremony. The event took place at Etown, a community music venue in downtown Boulder. The stage was lit with blue lights. A black podium stood in the center between 10 artificial trees covered in shining string lights. A keyboardist played music as each speaker took the stage. Assistant City Manager Pam Davis led the program.

[Pam Davis]

It's hard to believe that three years have passed since we lost 10 community members in the mass shooting at the Table Mesa king Soupers on March 22, 2021. I love my job in local government because it's a dynamic role that gets things done. Your city leaders rarely sit still. We strive to be continuously responsive and always improving. However, when I got the phone call regarding the unfolding tragedy at King Supers, I froze. No amount of leadership training can prepare anyone for that phone call. Fortunately, my combat veteran wife was nearby and gave me the advice I didn't know I needed. Pam, go change your clothes and pack your bag so that you're ready to do whatever is needed of you.

[Erica Mahoney]

Boulder Police Chief of staff Alistair McNiven said. The names of each person taken that day Denny, Nevin, Ricky, Trelona, Suzanne, Terry, Kevin, Lynn, Jody and Eric. Then it was time for their family members to speak. Only a handful shared, including Kirsten Talley.

[Kirsten Talley]

Hi, I'm Kirsten. I'm Eric's little sister. I'm his only sister.

[Bob Olds]

We.

[Kirsten Talley]

It was just the two of us.

[Erica Mahoney]

Police officer Eric Talley ran into the store to confront the gunman. He was the only officer killed in the shooting. His sister Kirsten spoke from her heart and then read this from a piece of paper.

[Kirsten Talley]

I don't think we talk enough about how quiet the road gets, how long the waiting feels, how lonely healing can be. I don't think we talk enough about all the different people we become in grief. How enormously we must stretch to fit ourselves into some kind of new normal and dare to call it life again. And I don't think we talk enough about how we have no other thing left but to gather our heavy limbs and carry on. Because the earth keeps on spinning and the sun keeps on rising and the days keep on bleeding one into the next, regardless of the moment. That one moment that made all the minutes inside of our hearts stand still. And that moment was today, three years ago. And because my brother was the police officer, I honestly feel like I owe an apology to all of you.

[Baby Baba]

That.

[Kirsten Talley]

There'S 10 trees here, that he didn't make it to save everyone because he hated violence. He absolutely hated it. And I wish he'd been there quicker and I'm sorry. Thank you.

[Pam Davis]

Next to the stage, I'd like to welcome Bob Olds, who's the uncle of Ricky Olds.

[Erica Mahoney]

Ricky Olds was 25 years old and was a manager at King Soopers.

[Baby Baba]

I don't have anything written down, but as you all know from hearing from me from the last three years, I can go on and on and talk about my niece, this case, you know, and just the pain that has caused my family. I'm in a different spot than a lot of you. I'm still in that anger stage. I'm still in that. Why did this happen? Why didn't this happen? Why didn't that happen? You know, it touched me earlier, you know, with Officer Talley's sister, you know, when she spoke about her wishing that her brother had gotten there sooner, you know, my mind goes to a different spot. Why didn't I teach my niece what to do when something like this happened? You know, that that's been a huge, huge burden and a huge sticking point in my mind regarding this whole situation. And I take ownership of that. If you don't know I'm in the school security field, where unfortunately, we have to do those things constantly. And it's sad that we have to do that. But why didn't I take that time to share that knowledge with my niece? And it hurts. Like I said, I mean, it was.

[Erica Mahoney]

Coming up on my turn to speak. My palms were sweaty and my heart was pounding. All the speeches before were so sad and depleting. Sitting between my mom and brother, it took everything I had to rise up, climb those stairs to the stage, and steady my voice. I didn't want to break down in front of everyone, but my tears were inevitable.

[Pam Davis]

Next, I'd like to invite Erica Mahoney, Kevin Mahoney's daughter.

[Erica Mahoney]

Hi everyone. There's no blueprint for grief. Three years ago today, when everything changed, feels like yesterday, and yet so much has happened. Big life, moments. I welcomed my two precious children into the world. And just last month I moved back to Colorado. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time, but after what happened, I never thought I would. My hometown felt terrifying, and a big part would be missing my dad. Last fall, my mom planted a seed that the universe just seemed to grow and my husband got a wonderful job. We found the perfect home and the stars aligned. In the weeks leading up to the move, I was swallowed by fear. I worried about how I would feel driving by King Soopers or having dinner at one of my dad's favorite restaurants. I worried about facing all the memories that we shared here. And mostly I worried that I would feel guilty for not coming home sooner. But coming home has been magical. It is full circle. It's hard and it's healing, and it's okay to be both at the same time. It's really meaningful to raise my kids in the place that my dad and mom raised my brother and me. My mom is the most amazing Nana, and my brother is the best uncle. And my dad isn't physically here yet. He is everywhere. I look up at the mountains and I see him. I am remembering I'd been so far away from my community for so long. Finally, I felt like I was part of something bigger. Our pain brought us together, and while we all had our differences, our collective love for one another, our community, and our lost loved ones was powerful. V. Bernier, who lost his partner Suzanne Fountain, shared that message in a song he wrote called One Moment More.

[Baby Baba]

This one's for Susie.

[Erica Mahoney]

Tomorrow may never come.

[Baby Baba]

I think that I am undone Tell me why.

[Bob Olds]

Why.

[Baby Baba]

Did it happen that night?

[Erica Mahoney]

I knew then and there at the remembrance ceremony that I had to share these stories with the world. I didn't know yet exactly how it would take shape, but as an audio journalist, it made sense to start recording. I'm Erica Mahoney and this is Senseless, a podcast about moving forward after the unthinkable. Stay with us.

[Pam Davis]

You gave me peace.

[Erica Mahoney]

This is an ad by BetterHelp to battle stress. Most of us can't wave goodbye to work, but we can start small with a focus on wellness. Taking a moment to sit in the sun and feel the warmth on your skin. Being present in activities that are calming, like gardening or taking a walk when the world feels too heavy. Summertime and vacations are great, but stress isn't seasonal, much like grief. So don't forget that therapy can help you navigate whatever challenges work or life might bring. Therapy has been a major catalyst for change for me, and I've relied on it ever since my dad died, not only to process my trauma and grief, but to help me manage daily stress like parenting. With over 35,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. And it's convenient, too. You can join a session with a therapist at the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Talk it out with better help, our listeners get 10% off their first [e-mail] senseless that's betterhelp.com senseless As a mom, wife, friend, and now a podcast host, life is a lot. One minute I'm chasing the kids in the yard, the next I'm racing to the recording studio. It's not easy, and honestly, it's a little overwhelming. But I wouldn't trade this life for anything. And I know I'm not alone. I see you juggling all the things, looking composed on the outside while quietly unraveling inside. From birthday parties to doctor's appointments, dinner plans to back to back meetings, we could all use an extra set of hands. That's where Duckbill comes in. Duckbill is like an executive assistant for your personal life, powered by AI and real humans who tackle your to do list so you don't have to. Because life is busy, it's messy, it's complicated, and Duckbill makes it a little bit easier. All you do is submit a task and Duckbill gets on it fast. I've used Duckbill to stay on top of my calendar, schedule appointments, order thoughtful gifts, and even plan my podcast, launch party venue and all. Duckbill helps me show up for the people I love and take care of myself. So if your plate is too full, hand off a few things to Duckbill. Life is short, so duck it. Use code senseless for 50% off your first two [e-mail] that's getduckbill.com are you.

[Kirsten Talley]

Looking for ways to make your everyday life happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative? I'm Gretchen Rubin, the number one best selling author of the Happiness Project, bringing you fresh insights and practical solutions in the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast. My co host and happiness guinea pig is my sister, Elizabeth Craft.

[Bob Olds]

That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer in Hollywood. Join us as we explore ideas and.

[Erica Mahoney]

Hacks about cultivating happiness and good habits.

[Kirsten Talley]

Check out Happier with Gretchen Rubin from Lemonada Media.

[Erica Mahoney]

After settling into our new home in Boulder, the idea for this podcast began to take shape. One of the first places I wanted to visit was Boulder Community Health, the local hospital where I used to volunteer in high school. I wanted to know what happened there on the day of the mass shooting. So tapping my journalism skills, I scheduled an internship interview and tour. I felt so nervous as I drove there. I had this undeniable feeling that what I was going to learn would be heartbreaking, but with a new purpose. I parked in the lot by the ER and recorded myself on the way into the main entrance. So I'm walking into the hospital where I used to intern and I have spent a lot of time I worked in the gift shop and I worked on the second floor delivering food in high school and I'm getting emotional. I just haven't been back here in a long time and it's so hard and sad to think back to that moment. After we had learned that my dad was in the store, there was an active shooter. My brother being a doctor, one of the first things he he did was call this hospital to see if he was here. And of course my first thought was I just hope he survived. My second, as things were not looking great, my second was he's going to be okay. He's hurt, but he's in a hospital. And I just pictured seeing him in a hospital bed and saying something that would help him pull through. And that's not how it went. That's not how things unfolded. Unfortunately. My first interview was with Jackie Atlassi Prius, the hospital's COO and chief nursing Officer. Her job is to make sure the staff at Boulder Community Health have everything they need to treat patients. We sit down at a table inside her office, which has a window looking out to a big grassy field. Okay. Jackie was here sitting at her desk when she got the first call about an active shooter at a grocery store in South Boulder.

[Bob Olds]

I remember thinking, oh, my God, it's happened here. You know, we've seen so many around the country, and it was like, holy smokes, is this it? And it's little old Boulder. You know, Boulder's not a big place, and it would not be where you would expect to see a mass shooting of any type. So that was my initial reaction. It was, okay, I hope all of our staff are safe, because again, we could have had our own staff in there.

[Erica Mahoney]

Just grocery shopping, you mean?

[Bob Olds]

Yeah, just grocery shopping. Or any of their loved ones as well. And then after I got through the initial piece, you know, I just checked to make sure the ED had what they needed and what could anybody do to help, you know? So that's where we kind of get into our motion of, okay, now we gotta be ready. We gotta be ready for what's gonna happen.

[Erica Mahoney]

On the afternoon of the shooting, Dr. David Whitling was the primary doctor in the emergency room. He says as the information about what was going on trickled in, the team jumped into action. They started preparing for a worst case scenario and got ready to treat the wounded. They called in extra surgeons and trauma specialists. Everyone was trying to figure out what exactly was going on, how many people would be coming in, how bad the injuries would be.

[Dr. David Whitling]

You know, as the minutes ticked by, we're kind of like, well, when are we getting those patients? And then after even clearly more time passed, it started to become like a. What's actually, you know, what's going on?

[Erica Mahoney]

Then the ER staff waited and waited in anticipation of people who would need help.

[Dr. David Whitling]

That's one of the more haunting things about everything. So we were completely prepared and ready for dealing with as many people as we needed to. We had multiple ORs ready, we had multiple surgeons ready. But in the end, we did not treat any of the victims of the crime, which is just terrible.

[Erica Mahoney]

All the gunshot victims died on the scene, struck often multiple times by a semi automatic AR15 style firearm. The gunman bought it legally nearly a week before the shooting. Jackie, the chief nursing officer, shows me the trauma bays inside the ER department.

[Bob Olds]

And so we can walk into this one.

[Erica Mahoney]

A stretcher with a light blue sheet sits in the center of the room. A surgical light that reminds me of an octopus hangs overhead. It's really emotional for me to just be in here because we were really hoping he was here and that he was injured but going to be okay. And so it's just hard to see this because the what if?

[Bob Olds]

But yeah, exactly. And I think that's where we were all at too. I think the team was so ready for that and so disappointed when. And so sad to know that they wouldn't be able to help save a life.

[Erica Mahoney]

It's so weird. I can just picture my dad on that stretcher. I really can. It's surreal.

[Bob Olds]

And we would have loved to have him in here to be able to save him for sure. I know, again, that's what our staff do. That's what they're here every day in an emergency department to be able to help that next person. Patient coming through the door.

[Erica Mahoney]

That evening, the first patient from the shooting finally came in. It was the gunman. He had a gunshot wound in the right leg. It was a shot fired by Boulder Police Officer Richard Steidel with his handgun that ended the massacre. The gunman's injuries were not life threatening. He recovered in the hospital's care.

[Dr. David Whitling]

Again, Dr. Whitling, an interesting philosophical angle that comes up in cases like that is how do you treat the pain of someone who has inflicted pain on others? Right. Do you ignore it? Do you go and grab some salt and pour it in someone's wound? Obviously not. But that in cases like that has always been just kind of an explosion in my own mind of like, gosh, what is going on and how am I dealing with this?

[Erica Mahoney]

Dr. Whitling says the void he felt of being unable to help the people who were shot by the gunman still echoes in him to this day. In many ways, how everything unfolded reminded him of the helplessness he felt during 9 11. Dr. Whitling was a med student in New York City at the time.

[Dr. David Whitling]

I think one thing that is also true of both of those experiences is there's a sense of like, there's a sense of when something like this happens, it is so far outside of your lived experience that you never bothered to incorporate that it was a possibility. And so when something like 911 happens and you're right in the midst of it and smelling it and hearing it, I think part of what's going on is you're having to completely remold what your understanding of reality is like because it got rocked so hard by this thing that you never thought could happen. And I think in any tragedy that's probably so much of the pain and damage is that right? There's the sadness of whatever happened, which is no small thing. But there is also like, wait a second when I wake up in the morning and what I think is the realm or the range of possible things that can happen has now been completely shattered. And so if this other thing happened that I never thought was possible, what other things are out there that I never would have thought could ever happen to me that are now there? And that is a terrifying thought. Right now, I have to reevaluate my entire life and what might be next.

[Erica Mahoney]

That message resonates with me deeply. Following the mass shooting, I had a completely new outlook on life. I was scared. My sense of safety ripped out from under my feet. I couldn't go grocery shopping. I had panic attacks. I constantly started looking over my shoulder. But here's the thing. Sometimes life is out of your control and we can only do our best. But we have to keep going, to keep living at our own pace. That's what my mom said on day one, that my dad would want us to keep going. So here I am, trying turning pain into purpose because life is short. I had walked into that hospital mustering all my journalism skills, but it started to become clear that in order to tell this story, lines would have to be blurred. I couldn't pretend that this didn't happen to me. That's after the break. I'm Erica Mahoney, and this is senseless. Stay with us.

[Julie Ratinoff]

Tired of the same old political shouting matches and talking points?

[Erica Mahoney]

Looking for thoughtful conversations that go beyond the headlines and help you understand issues that matter.

[Julie Ratinoff]

I'm Sarah.

[Erica Mahoney]

And I'm Beth.

[Julie Ratinoff]

Together we host Pantsuit Politics, a podcast where we bring grace, nuance and perspective to the news because democracy deserves more than hot takes.

[Erica Mahoney]

Join us as we approach politics and current events with curiosity, empathy and a commitment to understanding the bigger picture.

[Julie Ratinoff]

If you want to stay informed without the anxiety, we're the show for you.

[Erica Mahoney]

New episodes drop on Tuesdays and Fridays. Subscribe to Pantsuit Politics wherever you get your podcast. Being back in Boulder allowed me to take a greater role in the community healing. I spoke at a local meeting for the gun violence prevention group Moms Demand Action and connected with other people who lost loved ones in the mass shooting. All around were signs of my community's resilience, from the memorial garden in the King Sooper's parking lot to the Boulder strong stickers on the back of local ambulances. It's sad that so many cities in America are labeled with this word strong, Parkland strong, Uvalde strong. And now, in my own community, Boulder strong. It's a phrase born out of tragedy, a rallying cry in the face of heartbreak, to stand in solidarity against violence. And yet I felt so broken. What's wrong with being broken?

[Brandt]

Sometimes it doesn't feel good to be strong. It's like somebody being told, like, you need to be brave.

[Erica Mahoney]

That's Julie Ratinoff.

[Brandt]

The word Boulder strong to me is like, boulder is coming together. They're rising above what has happened.

[Erica Mahoney]

Julie is the program manager of the Boulder Strong Resource Center, a brick and mortar place that began to take shape just a couple of days after the shooting. It was the community coming together, from mental health partners to the police to King Soopers, to offer help for anyone affected, from therapy to comfort dogs to rhythmic healing and journaling groups. The first time I visited the center was during a trip home about a year after the shooting. And then I visited again not long before the start of the trial to interview Julie.

[Brandt]

Yeah, so as you're walking in, this is what we like to call our living room. And as you can see, it's really comfy. We have couches. We have an art table where folks can come in and do creative projects and also check in with counselors.

[Erica Mahoney]

I'm curious about, who are the people coming in here?

[Brandt]

Great question. Yeah, we have a wide variety. Generally, we have quite a bit of King Sooper's employees, some that were working at the time of the incident and others that have now left but still come to the center. People who were at the store, people who live in the neighborhood that that was their store that they shopped at. And those are the folks that are really the most regular that come in.

[Erica Mahoney]

Consistently around the corner are computers that King Sooper's employees used when they were deciding if they wanted to go back to work at the store or find another job. There's also a large conference room where the court proceedings are livestreamed. Anyone can come and watch. On every tour, Julie makes an unusual stop. She always shows visitors the back door.

[Brandt]

And I always like to point out that this is an emergency exit, so it goes down into the back parking lot. So that's something we're very cognizant of. Safety for folks, as we know, that's a really important aspect.

[Erica Mahoney]

Julie started out as an art therapist here, but then she moved up into the role of program manager. Like all good leaders, she recognized it was a big undertaking. So she looked for guidance and found the National Mass Violence center, which supports resiliency centers. Turns out they exist across the U.S.

[Brandt]

And yes, they're all over. Vegas has one. Orlando, Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Monterey Park, California is a new one. The list goes on and on.

[Erica Mahoney]

There have been ups and downs at the Boulder Strong Resource Center. Things that worked and things that didn't go so smoothly, like group therapy. But a lot of people who have walked through these doors have left stronger after all.

[Brandt]

And one of the things that we hear a lot from our visitors is how this is been a place of respite, a place for healing. Especially our survivors who feel like they can come here and be themselves and they don't have to have the look of pity that people often give them when they tell them that they were part of this and they know they can experience their full range of emotions and just be themselves and they don't have to put up a mask or put on a mask.

[Erica Mahoney]

That's really valuable. I mean, I think sadly there's a bit of a stigma associated with I've experienced it and none of us chose this story right. This wasn't the path I chose for my life. But now that I'm on this new path, things have changed. It all came to a tipping point on a hot and sticky labor day weekend in 2024 during the Town Parade in downtown Louisville, Colorado, just outside of Boulder. Knowing that the local Moms Demand Action groups were marching, I decided to bring my microphone and recorder. Leading up to the parade, I was torn on what to wear. Should I wear red, the color of Moms Demand Action, or a neutral color? Was I covering this event as a journalist or was I participating in it? Journalists aren't supposed to march or wear T shirts for a cause. That morning, I recorded myself as I tried to figure out what to do. Today is Labor Day, September 2, 2024. I'm getting ready to go to a parade and I'm going to be marching with the Moms Demand Action group. For the past week or so leading up to this parade, I've been debating whether I should wear red, their color, because I'm so used to not blurring the lines as a journalist, not going to protests, not sharing my opinion widely. And I wasn't sure if I should wear red. I wasn't sure if I should just wear white. And I wasn't sure if I should maintain that balance and not cross that metaphorical line. But my friend texted me, my neighbor, and she said, hey, I have an extra shirt. Do you want to wear it? And I said yes. And she brought it over this morning and I just put the shirt on and I feel so good to be blending finally these two parts of myself, the advocacy part and the reporting part. And I feel whole for the first time in a long time. My mom, daughter and I gathered at the local middle school, the start of the parade. Hi, are you having a fun time? What are we doing here today? We want to ruin the bed. There are marching bands and vintage cars and a big group for Moms Demand Action. Paige Leonard is with the Boulder chapter.

[Paige Leonard]

It's so nice to be in a group of moms always. I always say our red shirts do feel like superhero capes.

[Erica Mahoney]

Paige had more than one reason to join, including a mass shooting at her alma mater, Virginia Tech, where 32 professors and students were murdered in 2007.

[Paige Leonard]

And I graduated the year before the shooting there, but was deeply affected by it, as all hokies were. It was a really scary day when you still have friends on campus to wait and hear back from them. My my college roommate was still on campus doing a six year program and it's a pretty horrible day when you make a list of your friends and you're just waiting and waiting to hear back from everyone. So I do this work for them and I do this work in memory of my best friend Gina. Her mom, Ruth Ann Lodato, was killed by a complete stranger in their home in Alexandria, Virginia and by a man that shouldn't have owned a gun.

[Erica Mahoney]

No more silence and non violence as we marched down Main Street, Alana Tempest Mitchell handed out gun locks to the crowd watching from the sidewalks.

[Lisa Hughes]

I lost my brother Teddy to basically reckless gun usage when he was 10 years old. He was at his friend's house and his friend's father didn't have have their firearm secured and like most 10 year olds they went over to have a look at it and my brother ended up being shot and killed just for having a play date at his friend's house. So I am my entire life I've been raised as in the shadow of his death and in the shadow of losing a family member to gun violence or just to gun I call it violence because it was a violent way for a 10 year old to die and so suddenly and so needlessly. So needlessly. And I especially am an advocate for the Be Smart program for safe gun storage and gun locks because I feel as though the more that we talk about that and the more people secure their firearms, the less kiddos will die.

[Erica Mahoney]

Like my brother, I was stunned when I met a woman who worked with my dad at Meals on Wheels.

[Julie Ratinoff]

Lisa Hughes he always had a smile on his face. He was always so nice. And if I called him last minute and said, kevin, can you pick up this route? He'd usually be available unless he and your mom were traveling or whatever they were doing. And he always was super nice and just everybody loved him and would talk to him when he came to do his route and all the other drivers and yeah, so that's how I knew him. I didn't know him like super well, but I felt like I knew him. And we were very upset and sad when the shooting happened. And we actually put a memorial at the Meals on Wheels building in your dad's honor with a plaque with a picture of him and a bench that.

[Erica Mahoney]

Meant so much to our family. Thank you so much for doing that. I became a new person that hot and sticky Labor Day, someone who doesn't fit into one single box. And I mean, isn't that true for all of us? Life is rarely black or white. It's colorful and messy. Making this podcast telling my own story alongside others is not unheard of in the journalism world, but it is unconventional. My grief taught me to let go of the things that were holding me back. My insecurities, my perfectionism, my people pleasing, rule, following nature. I wanted to break some rules to break out of the box. So I carved out a new path. Because living unauthentically is a waste of time. There's only one you a mosaic of your past, present and future. Embrace it all. I'm Erica Mahoney and this is Senseless, a podcast about moving forward. Forward after the unthinkable. Coming up on Senseless. Searching for meaning in the fallout of loss, I meet with a medium.

[Bob Olds]

He's he's showing that you're always going.

[Erica Mahoney]

To have a scar and go on a grief retreat. Day three I am so glad I didn't leave. There is an arc to grief and there's an arc to this grief retreat. That's next time on Senseless. Senseless is written and reported by me, Erica Mahoney. I'm your host and executive producer. Christa Almanzan is our senior producer and executive editor. Original music, sound design and mastering by Hannis Brown. Audio editing and sound mixing by Jeremiah Edding plus original music by Daniel Wideline. This podcast was made possible by support from Community Foundation Boulder county and the Boulder County Arts Alliance. The episode was recorded by Erin Garrison at Coop Studios in Boulder, Colorado. Executive producers for Lemonada Media are Jessica Cordova Kramer and Stephanie Wittleswax. If you haven't subscribed to Lemonada Premium yet, now is the perfect time. Because guess what? You can listen completely ad free. Plus you'll unlock exclusive bonus content like premium episodes of Senseless that you won't hear anywhere else. Just tap that subscribe button on Apple Podcasts or head to lemonadapremium.com to subscribe on any other app. That's lemonadapremium.com don't miss out. And coming up in our fifth premium episode, I returned to the radio station in Boulder where I got my start in journalism to sit down with a reporter who covered the mass shooting at King Soopers. There is not another topic that I can think of that chokes me up more. I get really emotional thinking about gun violence and very much because I have a daughter. And it terrifies me to think about what you've been through. Listen to our conversation now with Lemonada Premium. I'm Erica Mahoney. See you next time.