← The Shawn Ryan Show
The Shawn Ryan Show
#308 Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn - TikTok's #1 Sex Educator on Why Relationships Are Failing
03:28:40
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A
Foreign.
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B
Doctor Tara, welcome to the show.
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A
Hi, Sean. Thanks for having me.
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B
It's my pleasure. My pleasure. So we're gonna talk all about sex today. The forbidden topic that nobody wants to talk about but everybody wants to hear about. And some of the stuff about your new book, the new TV show that you're doing. And I have a lot of questions about men, about men, what they're doing wrong, what the communication skills, like all that stuff. I know you're comms experts, so let me start you off with an introduction here. Actually, I have no idea how to pronounce your last name.
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A
I love that. Do you want me to teach you?
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B
Yeah, let's hear it.
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A
So I usually go by Dr. Tara. It's a branding decision, but it's Su in Yatti chai porn. And this is how I teach my students. You sue someone, then you win. You go on a yacht, you drink some tea, which is a chai, and you may or may not watch some porn.
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B
Suwen yachi porn.
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A
Suwin chai porn.
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B
Suwen suwenyati chai porn.
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A
Perfect.
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B
Wow.
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A
Beautiful.
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B
I'm just going to call you Dr. Tara.
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A
Perfect. My students call me that. They just go, yeah, we're going to go, Dr. Tara.
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B
So let me give you a brief introduction here, Dr. Tara. Born in Bangkok, Thailand, you immigrated to the United States for graduate school and earned your PhD in human communication entirely in your second language. You were a 10 year old were a tenured professor of sexual and relational communication at Cal State Full Fullerton, where you earned a tenure at just 33 years old, one of the youngest in your department to do it. Your landmark study of 5,000Americans found that more than one third of people in relationships are sexually unsatisfied. And that communication, not technique or frequency, is the struggle, is the. Excuse me, is the single most powerful predictor of a great sex life. With over 2.3 million followers, you are Tik Tok's number one sex educator. And Paper magazine dubbed you as the Internet's resident sexpert. On top of all of that, you are the sex and dating and dating expert on the UK reality show Celebs Go Dating, a columnist at Women's Health magazine and and sex expert on the new season of 90 Day, the Last Resort TLC HBO show coming out June 1st. Congratulations. Your most recent book is how do youo Like It? A Guide for Getting what yout Want in Bed. And your mission has always been the same. Less shame, more pleasure. Again. Welcome to the show.
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A
Thank you. Are you having an orgasmic day?
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B
I hope I'm about to. So. But. But yeah, so I've had one other show kind of about this and it was nice change up. We have a lot of heavy topics. Not that this isn't a heavy topic, but it's a little bit lighter than some of the stuff that I cover and it was wildly successful. So I'm excited.
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A
I think you were right when you said people don't wanna talk about it, but they wanna hear about it.
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B
Yeah. Nobody wants to talk about sex, but they all wanna hear about it, right?
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A
Yeah.
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B
And the privacy of their.
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A
It's the most universal human behavior. What else do we do? We eat, we go to the bathroom and we have sex.
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B
That's right. That's right. Sometimes we sleep. Yeah, but that depends on how much sex we're having. Right.
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A
You can sleep and have sex.
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B
So I want to kind of start off with, how did you get into this?
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A
It's a long story, but I got into this because I went to graduate school for human communication, studying relationships. So I focus on relationships, romantic relationships. And the reason why I wanted to study that, because I saw a longitudinal study from Harvard that showed that social relationships are what makes life worthwhile. Social relationships are the strongest predictor of life satisfaction and what makes people the happiest. So I thought, okay, why not study the thing that makes people the happiest? Relationships? And as I investigated further into romantic relationships, I learned that there are a few issues that are universal, global issues. Regardless of what your gender is, your sexual orientation, where you're from, what your religion is, like, everybody has these issues and one of them is sex. So I thought, why not study and talk about and teach something that is a solution to such a big universal problem?
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B
Interesting. Were you always this open? I know you grew up. You grew up a Catholic.
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A
I grew up in Thailand as a Buddhist and I went to an all girls Catholic school. Okay, so like a double whammy of messages based on organized religion. Because I grew up with very sexually repressive parents. They did their best and they have been and they are very loving, but at the same time, they have their own limitations. I think, you know, as you get older, you learn that your parents try their best and they have their own limitations. And one of those limitations is they tend to shame people based on sexuality. So since I was young, if I wore miniskirt or if I talk about certain things that are related to sexuality or someone being sexy on tv, for example, they would immediately shush me or say like, oh, like good girls don't say things like that or, you know, good girls don't wear things like that. So I think from young age I had an idea of what it's like to be a good woman. Same with messages I get from school. I went to an all girls Catholic school. I mean, granted, when you go to an all girls school, a lot of girls thought they're lesbians, by the way, because that's all you're exposed to, just girls. But within the teachings of Catholicism as well, there's a lot of shame based messages when it comes to sexual exploration. Things that scientifically we know are normal and healthy. So I battle through a lot of those preconceived notions and messages, insecurities, low sexual self esteem for a long time. I'd say I've never had a real orgasm until I was almost 30.
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B
Are you serious? Wow. Wow.
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I know.
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30.
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When did you have your first orgasm, John?
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Probably at like 10 or 11.
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A
Lucky you. From just masturbating?
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B
Yeah, pretty much, yeah.
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And you're like, oh, this is like the best feeling ever.
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B
Still is.
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A
Yeah, I know. Someone told me that orgasming and going to the bathroom, taking a shit is like amazing. Two amazing feelings that you can never take away from humans. And I'm like, maybe that's right.
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B
Wow. Wow.
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A
Yeah. So that's a bit of my background. So. No, when people are like, oh, it's easy because it's easy to talk about sex because this is who you are. You're an extrovert, you love talking to people. You've probably always been like this. I'm like, mm, mm, not at all. I grew up the other way around, the opposite way. And then I had to climb up that shame and insecurity ladder to get to where I am, where I feel sexual empowerment is my calling. And helping people feel less shame about their own sexuality or what they're into and experience just more pleasure in their relationship and in daily life. What's the point of life if there isn't any pleasure?
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B
I mean, it's interesting that you came from that, I don't know, sheltered, strict of a background. I mean, I was watching some of the stuff right before I came down here and obviously I've been seeing your stuff pop up for several months now. That's why I asked you to come on the show. You're just very open. You talk about what you like, what you don't like, what your fetishes or kinks are. And I mean, so coming from that strict of a background to that open. And then I Haven't read your book, but I've done a lot of studying about you and it seems like communication is a thing. And with my previous episode with Vanessa, communication is a thing. And so how do you go from that locked up, that strict that. That shamed or shame is it the shame to just here it all is, this is everything, everything about me. And it sounds like that's the big. That's the biggest problem within relationships with sex is communication. Ask him what you want, tell him what you like, things like that. So how did you. I'm just curious, how did you personally overcome it?
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A
Mm, it's been a long journey. I was married before in my 20s, and at that time I was already. I just graduated with my PhD in human communication, studying relationships, so I should know what I'm talking about. But back then I was talking the talk and not walking the walk. And now as a professional in this field, I have little respect for people that only talk the talk. I only trust the people that walk the walk because I know I was that person. I can teach about sexual satisfaction, sexual communication, mindfulness, relational communication, all of these things in college, teach the theory and research. But I wasn't living that life. I wasn't doing those communication strategies in my real life in order to maintain and improve my relationship. I wasn't in a relationship that I was happy about. I got married young because where I'm from, in Thai culture people get married in their 20s and if you wait until you're in your 30s, you're sort of like named as like a spinster or like you're not desirable. And that in itself is a very shame based message that. Imagine if you know anyone listening and watching, imagine if your daughter was like, oh my God, I gotta get married in my 20s or else I'd be so undesirable in my 30s. But that's my belief because it's how I was raised and what people in my culture were talking about and what they did. So I met this person online on a dating app and not too long later we got married. And that was, I wouldn't say it was a mistake, but it was an ill informed, misguided decision. With that marriage, I learned a lot about sexual incompatibility because we have never had sexual compatibility. And I know this from studying, right research and theory. But then when I finally had it in real life, I was like, oh shit, this is what it feels like. Because not only that, we didn't have chemistry. Do you know the difference between chemistry and compatibility?
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B
Well, actually that's what I was just gonna ask you. What is sexual compatibility and incompatibility? Because I mean, I think if you would ask most people, it's am I attracted to this person? Yes. Do I wanna have sex with this person? Yes. I mean, I mean, I've read somewhere that, that people decide. Basically people decide if they're gonna have. If they would have sex with the person sitting across from them, if they, the person they're looking at within the first 10 seconds. Is that true?
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Yeah.
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Is that sexual compatibility?
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No.
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B
What is sexual compatibility?
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A
So when we think of people that have good sex together, they need two components. They need chemistry and compatibility. Chemistry is what you just talked about. You meet someone and you can immediately tell, like, oh, I'm attracted to this person. I can see going to bed with them. I can tell, like, we're going to vibe. That's chemistry. And it's either you have it or you don't. You know, you've met a ton of people. You can probably like, imagine, like just imagine if you were single, right? And all these people you meet, like, let's say all the, you're heterosexual, so all the women you meet, like, you can probably meet someone and go, okay, like that person I would date or have sex with that person. I wouldn't. That person I would. Right. Like, it's pretty easy. So that's chemistry. You meet someone and you just know. And when you don't have chemistry, like a lot of people around the world, they get married to people they actually don't have chemistry with. You could grow some sort of compatibility with them, which I'm going to explain in a bit what it is. But you cannot have the chemistry because chemistry is whether you have it or you don't.
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B
So you're saying that people are getting married to each other that aren't even attracted to each other?
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A
A lot of people do. A lot of people do. And one of the biggest problems actually in long term sexual dissatisfaction is people don't find their partner attractive. So we're gonna, we can, we can talk about that in a little bit. But you either have chemistry or you don't. Then let's say you have chemistry. Great, that's like 50% done. What's the other part? Compatibility. Do you like similar things? Do you want to explore similar things? Do you enjoy each other's touch, expression, things they say in bed? Do you enjoy similar positions, trying new toys? Are you someone that tends to be a bit more unconventional and kinky and your partner is too, or is your Partner super vanilla and is very turned off by all the things that you're into. That's compatibility. So when you're similar, not the same, you don't have to be exactly the same. You don't have to, let's say if your partner has a foot fetish, you don't have to have one in order to be similar. But if you're compatible, you're similar in a lot of these sexual profiles. What I call that's compatibility. Then with chemistry and compatibility, boom, you have an amazing sex life now with the caveat of you still have to have communication. Right? Like, you can't just have these and never talk about sex in your entire life. Like, you know, based on my study, we know now that sexual communication is the strongest predictor of long term sexual satisfaction. But again, you have such a good base. Like, would you say that you have chemistry and compatibility?
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B
Yes.
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A
Yeah. So now that you know the difference, you can probably tell that, you know, people that are watching, listening, they can probably take an audit of their own relationship, maybe the current relationship and past relationships, and think, okay, did I have chemistry and compatibility? Because these two are. They're needed in healthy, fulfilling, passionate sex life. So I didn't have those things in my first marriage, and now I have both things in my current marriage.
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B
Good for you.
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A
So I know for a fact what it feels like and how different they are. There are a lot of sex experts or guru online that will say, like, you know, you don't need chemistry. It grows over time. I disagree. I think that's my controversial opinion is chemistry part. It's either you have it or you don't. I don't.
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B
I would think compatibility could grow over time faster than compatibility can grow over time. I mean, because chemistry is basically just attractiveness.
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A
Yeah, it's you have it or you don't. Like, if I don't find you. If I don't find someone attractive or feel drawn to them, that won't change unless they have like a huge makeover. But then that again, it's still very physical. Attractiveness is very shallow. I mean, I love physical attractiveness, not gonna lie, but it's very shallow. I think chemistry is a lot more, but even science can't really explain. Chemistry is like the energy and the vibrations you have with someone.
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A
I think it can be anywhere from six months to, I would say 10 years. Because I've worked with couples that have never talked about their sexual preferences before. Actually, I've worked with couples that didn't know what their sexual preferences are to then first step, figure out what they are, then have the language to talk about what these preferences are and whether or not we're compatible. I've worked with people that have been together for a year and are still figuring it out and they were figuring things out and that's great. But then I've also had couples that have been together 15 years and oh my God, we haven't had sex for two years. What's going on?
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B
What?
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A
Oh, yeah, that's not uncommon at all. That's not uncommon at all.
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Years.
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A
Oh, there's longer. I've. I've talked to a couple that haven't had sex for five years.
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B
How old are they?
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A
They were in their 50s.
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In their 50s. That's right around the corner for me.
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A
Yeah, Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of changes, right. Men can experience a lot, like a drop in testosterone. Women can experience perimenopause, menopause. Which all of those things affect your sexual desire. But. But, like, let alone, you know, even if we don't talk about those things, that what's going on in the body, even if we remove that part, there's still these other parts of like, do you still find your partner attractive?
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B
I think that's a huge problem in society.
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A
It is, it is. And it's something that people are so afraid to admit because they don't want to first, like, come off shallow. Like, oh, so you only like someone because of their physical attractiveness. They don't want to come off shallow. And also I think they don't want to admit that it's a problem because then now there's a problem to solve. I think they'd rather just sweep under the rug. Every time I have a couple come into my practice, the first thing they'll say is, we're fine and we love each other. We just haven't had sex. Can you give us some tips?
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B
Can you give us some tips? Wow.
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A
Yeah.
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B
Okay, hold on. I want to. I want to talk about the. A lot of people aren't attracted to their partner. And the other one you had mentioned. So you have couples that come in and they don't. They don't know what their sexual preferences are. They don't know what they're into. How do you. I mean, how either one of them. Neither one of them know.
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It's very common.
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So how do you coach somebody that comes in that's not having sex? And how do you get them to explore and figure out what they're into? That's gotta be challenging.
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A
It is challenging, but it's a fun challenge that I like because it's so rewarding once people have their light bulb moment because they go, oh, my God, I didn't realize I was really into this. And now it brings so much pleasure to their sex life and connection between the two people. And how bonding is it that now you can have the sex that you actually want, but you wouldn't be able to get there.
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B
How do you get them going, though?
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A
You know? So that's why I named my book how do youo Like It? A Guide to Getting what yout Want in Bed. Because the problem with sexual communication is it's not that people don't want to communicate. A lot of people I know want to communicate. They just don't know how to get there. They don't know how to get there because they don't know the language. They don't know what they actually want, how they like it that's why I title my book, how do you like it? First question, prerequisite. A prerequisite to sexual communication is knowing what you like. So how do you like it? When I ask my students, and I teach a class of 120 college kids, every semester, this class, I ask them, so how do you like it? Describe what you like in bed in five terms and then describe who you are in bed in five terms. They go. Missionary, Blowjobs, you know, they don't know how to describe how they like it. Not just the action, not the position, how, how during a sexual session, what needs to happen in order for the alchemy to happen in order for it to feel so exciting, interesting, fulfilling and satisfying? They don't know. And then they also don't know how to describe themselves sexually. So want to do this exercise?
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B
I don't know. I don't know how to describe myself either. But let's do it.
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A
Three words. How would you describe yourself as a sexual being? Who you are in bed.
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B
Shit. This is. Can you give me an example?
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I can describe mine.
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Okay.
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I'm kinky, I'm fun, and I'm open to try. I'm open. I'm open to try anything once.
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Okay.
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So that's who I am as a sexual person. Everyone is a sexual person except for the asexual people. But let's say 99% of people are sexual people. So how. Who are you?
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All right. Can they be sentences?
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Yeah.
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All right. I want my partner to climax before I do.
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A
Love that.
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B
So you're a generous lover, open to trying new stuff.
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Love that.
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B
All the time.
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A
What's all the time?
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B
Every day.
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A
Oh, you. High sex drive.
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B
Yeah.
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A
Okay, so you're a sexually energetic person. You are a very open minded sexual person. And you, what was the first one?
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B
I want my partner to climax.
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A
You're a generous lover. So these are great things to talk about with your partner. Great for those that are listening. They can think of like, okay, so first like, who am I in bed? Then go from there because it's easier to describe yourself and the things that you bring to the table in the bedroom. Then try to get them to first share something because sex is such a vulnerable topic. Volunteer yourself. Like, who are you? What are you into? What is it like to have sex with you? Then. Then from then on, that's a good conversation starter. Okay, so that's usually an exercise that I do with my clients. They're usually not as fast as you in answering those things because I think in a couple Session. They're afraid of either offending their partner or saying something new for their partner to question. Who are you?
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B
How long does it take for them to. I mean, when you're talking about somebody that doesn't even know what they're into, how, I mean, how do you, how do you, where do they start?
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A
I mean, I just helped you just tell them, start in her 40s, discover that she had a fingering kink.
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B
In her 40s.
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A
Yeah, very common, very common. Especially for people that perhaps don't have a lot of sexual experiences either with either a lot of sexual experiences with one partner or sexual explorations with multiple partners. Like they've have experience. If you don't have experience, you probably don't really know. And if you watch porn, porn's like a sport, you know, Porn stars are athletes in sex. So when you watch them and you think like, oh, I can do that too, like, no you can't because you are not Lebron of sex.
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B
Don't try this at home, ladies and gentlemen.
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A
Exactly. I think what porn needs to do, like what these videos, what they need to do is have those like disclaimer like, you will not be able to do this at home. But. But yeah, people don't know who they are in bed and what they truly want in bed. And that's why I wrote this book. And the first chapter is actually what is your sexual profile? Because sexual self knowledge is so empowering. Once you know you have a language to engage in sexual communication. When you don't know, there's so much uncertainty. Uncertainty gives people anxiety. That's why talking about sex so anxiety inducing because you just don't know much. But when you have a lot of information, talking is easier.
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B
So what I mean, when you are talking to a couple that is not having sex, what I mean what do you tell them to do? Do you just literally tell them you guys need to go have sex like right now?
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A
Doesn't work like that. How does it work if a couple hasn't had sex? Let's say not even the harder case, like if a couple hasn't had sex for a year. Extremely common by the way.
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B
That's common. How common? Like more common than not in a
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A
long, long term relationship? I'd say like 50%, my educated guess because there isn't a census, you know, statistic on that. But from my professional experience, I would say yeah, half the people that have been Married for over 15 I've talked to may haven't had sex in a long time. Maybe if you let's say if you don't count, like, hand things or blow jobs, probably a year. But if you count those things and maybe six months is very, very, very, very common, by the way.
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B
Holy.
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A
Yeah. Yeah, very common. So, like, let's say a couple comes in, we love each other, everything's great. You know, we love our kids. Like, life's great. We just haven't had sex for a year. What's going on and how do we get there? There's a lot of things to first investigate, because if I just say, well, you guys gotta go have sex tonight, okay? There could be issues of I don't find my partners attractive. There could be issues of, well, my penis hasn't had regular erection for a long time, and therefore I struggle with getting it up or keeping it up. And that gives me a lot of anxiety. There could be an issue of, well, I'm now perimenopause, perimenopausal, and my vagina doesn't get wet. And that gives me so much insecurity because he will not find that attractive and he might think I'm not into him. There could be an issue of, God, I've just been watching so much porn and I've really wanted to try anal, but my wife will never go for it, and he will think I'm a freak. That could be an issue of, I've been fantasizing about this guy on TV for a long time, and my husband doesn't look anything like this guy. There's so many things. Wow, that's in here that you can't just tell people to go have sex. So a lot of steps.
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B
So there is a lot to work through. Wow. Well, I want to talk about people that don't find their partner attractive. How does that happen? I mean, I know how it happens one way. I mean, it's almost like a. It's a joke, you know, it's a joke. In society, you know, people get married and then they let themselves go. And even though it's a joke, I mean, I see it all the. All the time. All the time. Is that where it stems from or is it. The other thing I see is people that were never really 100% in before marriage, and they don't have the courage to say that they don't want to kind of move forward because they don't want to offend their partner. I see that. Is that.
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A
Yeah, I mean, both of those. Both of those things do happen.
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B
So how do you fix that?
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A
Have you heard of, like, the pillars of attraction? Maybe so, like, attractiveness, how do we categorize different types of attractiveness? What you mentioned of, like, when people get married, they let themselves go. That's physical attraction. Right? Physical attractiveness. So there's three different types of attractiveness. And when you have all, you're like this gold star. What's like the number one thing in military? Like, you know, someone that has done such amazing things that you get. Is it a gold star?
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B
No, that's. I mean, something just a. I mean, we'll just. On a scale of one to ten. A ten.
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A
Okay, fair. A ten. So someone's a ten. Like you have all these three things. Some people can have the two things. So get away with it. Some people can have the one thing, maybe get away with it for a bit, but not too long. Some people might not have any. Now, the disclaimer to this before I talk about the three different types of attractiveness is that it's very subjective and it depends on who's looking at you and who's evaluating you. Right. Everyone has their own, you know, biases and preferences and life experiences that affect the way they see attractiveness.
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B
Their own type.
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A
Yeah. So the three types of attractiveness are. Or the three pillars of attractiveness are physical attractiveness, social attractiveness and task attractiveness.
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B
Task attractiveness.
- [33:32]
A
So physical attractiveness is easy, like what we talk about, right. Someone that looks attractive. You know, there is conventional attractiveness, but then there's also like, unconventional physical attractiveness that is based on preference. Some people love a bald head. They're like, oh, I love bald guys. Like, whenever I see a bald guy, I'm like, oh, my God, that guy is so hot. Right? Some people love long hair. Some people love blue eyes. Some people love brown eyes. Some people love, you know, ripped bodies. Some people love dad box. Some people. So just all depends. But physical attractiveness is one pillar. That one's easy to decipher. Social attractiveness is personality and communication style. When you date someone, you have to like their personality, right? That's a huge part of who they are. Unless you date someone shallow and, you know, you just think, I just want a hot girlfriend. Like, I don't care. I don't care what she talks about.
- [34:29]
B
I say that a lot, too.
- [34:32]
A
Yeah. And that doesn't work.
- [34:34]
B
Never works out.
- [34:34]
A
No, no, it doesn't. Because like I said, you need at least two of the three, not just one. So the personality, Right. Like, let's say one of the most common things that people talk about is introversion and extroversion. Do you Tend to be attracted to someone who's very extroverted or lean towards more introverted and need their space and time and like quiet time.
- [35:01]
B
Probably introverted.
- [35:03]
A
So that's your, like, that's what you find attractive. Some people like they want to date someone that's live at the party, always in the middle of the crowd, telling jokes. Right? Some people like that. So social attractiveness is those things. What do you like? What are your bullet points? Right. Communication style. Do you like someone that's very upfront and say everything you know in your face just like that, confrontational. Or do you like people that are more suave and indirect in their communication? Just depends. So that's social attractiveness. So now physical and social attractiveness. The last one is task attractiveness. And women are very drawn to task attractiveness. Task attractiveness is capabilities, intelligence, success, financial stability. These things are task attractiveness. So someone who is capable is capable of doing whatever the thing that they're really good at. Right? You're really good at this. You're really good at being a part of the military, the Navy seal. You're really good at deciphering situation and keeping people safe. You're really good at interviewing and getting to the truth. One of the best things I love about your podcast is you're illuminating truths about different topics. And I love that. So you're good at that. You have the capabilities, and that's attractive to a lot of people. Women will say capabilities is the most attractive thing sometimes even before personality, like social attractiveness and physical attractiveness.
- [36:44]
B
Okay.
- [36:45]
A
Another part of task attractiveness is intelligence. How intelligent. Because capability is knowing how to do something, but intelligence is having the internal information to decipher and make good decisions. And then we also have financial stability because sometimes people can have intelligence and capabilities, but they don't know how to apply themselves. Therefore they don't have financial stability. Right? Because financial stability comes from be able to apply these information and intelligence and capabilities, then you get resources in return. Right? So financial stability is another thing that women are looking for. So if you have task attractiveness and personality, you could potentially let yourself go a bit physically. You know, not to say that everyone should, you know, do whatever you want, eat whatever you want, because you should. But at the same time, there is a bit of room because you have these other two. Okay, if you don't have the personality part, let's say you're not just. You're not the most interesting, charming person in the world, but you're physically attractive and you have the financial Stability and capabilities. That could go right. That could work. If you have all three, you have a great solid foundation to have whatever fulfilling sex life that you desire and deserve. But that's not the truth for a lot of people.
- [38:08]
B
Okay. In relationships, would you say that women are. The majority of women would rank task as their number one?
- [38:23]
A
I would say due to social desirability, women will say personality first. But if I have to be really honest and also based on talking to so many women, whether that's in my life, in the college classroom, or my followers, task attractiveness is the most important thing.
- [38:46]
B
What about for men, attractiveness?
- [38:50]
A
I would have to say for a lot of men, physical attractiveness is the most important thing. And this derives from studies, professional observation, and also what people think of when they watch porn. Like, a lot of men may derive the definition of what's attractive based on physical attractiveness due to exposure to porn since young age. Right. Like in porn, are women portrayed as capable, intelligent, and has a good personality?
- [39:27]
B
No.
- [39:28]
A
Exactly. So you may derive to a destination of like, I want a woman like this from just being exposed to porn since young age, especially in this generation.
- [39:39]
B
Okay. Okay. That makes. Do you feel like that's a mistake? Yeah, I do too.
- [39:46]
A
Mm. Definitely. I think that a good relationship needs inspiration. One of the reasons why I find my partner very attractive is that he pursues passion in his life and he's unapologetic about going for something that's against the convention. You know, he used to be a dentist, and then he quit that completely to become an artist. That's. That's like big balls, energy.
- [40:21]
B
Yeah.
- [40:22]
A
You know what I mean? For me, I'm like, wow. Like, even that alone got me intrigued. Like, what kind of a person leaves stable job behind to pursue something so uncertain just for the sake of passion and inspiration? That gives me immense inspiration. But I'm not saying every couple needs to have someone leave their job in order to find inspiration sometimes. You know, I have a friend who has a very beautiful, stable relationship. They still have sex, you know, two, three times a week. They love each other, show a lot of affection. They've been together over 10 years, and both of them have, like, you know, just regular nine to five jobs, but. But they still find inspiration in each other. You know, one of them is super into, like, just taking care of himself, biohacking, weightlifting. So she finds inspiration of him staying healthy for himself, for his wife, for his kids. Like, him staying healthy is so hot. Like, figuring out things to be healthier. So hot, so attractive. So Inspirational. That's what she found in him as an inspiration. So what I'm saying is like finding something inspiration in your. In your partner is going to be the catalyst to high relationship satisfaction and high sexual satisfaction.
- [41:47]
B
Okay. Okay. I want to move into the study, the 5,000 person study that you did before. I do, though. Everybody gets gift. I'm supposed to do this at the beginning. Vigilance Elite. Gummy bears. Made in the usa.
- [42:04]
A
Love that. Can I try one right now?
- [42:06]
B
Of course.
- [42:08]
A
A bit hungry. We have a gift for you too.
- [42:13]
B
Oh, I love gifts.
- [42:14]
A
Well, gifts. We have gifts. So I have to tell you, I first thought of bringing you a prostate vibrator, but then Bren said, I think he likes guns.
- [42:33]
B
That could be in the form of
- [42:34]
A
a gun too, and teddy bears, so. Well, first off, I got you my book and I want you to read the note out loud.
- [42:46]
B
Dear Sean, thank you for illuminating the world with more truths. Wishing you the most orgasmic life. Dr. Tara. Thank you.
- [42:56]
A
And then. This is really good. By the way.
- [42:59]
B
You like those
- [43:03]
A
two teddy bears? These are from my mom.
- [43:08]
B
It's in your husband's stuff.
- [43:09]
A
Yeah, it's from my husband. And they're upside down because the motto for these. So these are called smiles. And the motto for him is different is good.
- [43:18]
B
Different is good.
- [43:20]
A
Yeah.
- [43:20]
B
Love it. Thank you.
- [43:22]
A
And of course, we can't come here without gun related stuff. He said that was better than the prostate massager. But I'm going to. I think I will need to still ship you.
- [43:43]
B
Holy shit. This is. He made this, didn't he? Holy. This is awesome. I don't want to scratch this thing.
- [43:55]
A
No one is not super, super dry.
- [43:57]
B
It's not. Oh, I'm going to leave it in here then. That is awesome.
- [44:04]
A
Yeah,
- [44:09]
B
Very cool. Thank you.
- [44:10]
A
You're welcome.
- [44:11]
B
Let's go in here in the studio.
- [44:12]
A
Yay.
- [44:13]
B
Man, that is cool. Yeah, I figured you would love 1911 still.
- [44:17]
A
Sorry.
- [44:17]
B
I love 1911 S. He.
- [44:20]
A
He knew.
- [44:22]
B
Man, that's cool. I mean, I don't know if I like it better than a prostate massager, but I've never tried a prostate massage.
- [44:28]
A
I need to send you one.
- [44:31]
B
All right. What is a prostate massager?
- [44:34]
A
It's a vibrator for your prostate.
- [44:36]
B
Men use this. For what?
- [44:40]
A
Prostate orgasm.
- [44:41]
B
A prostate orgasm. What is that?
- [44:44]
A
Yours are so good.
- [44:47]
B
The prostate massage or the gummy bears?
- [44:50]
A
Both, man. Both. While you have your gummy bear foot in the master massage.
- [44:57]
B
Oh, my gosh.
- [44:59]
A
So there's two different types you can do. One that you is small and it vibrates or it moves around like this that you can insert into your anus and experience prostate pleasure that way. There's also one where it's just a ball of massage, like a massager vibrator, and you put it in the area between your anus and your balls. The perineum.
- [45:27]
B
The chode.
- [45:28]
A
Yeah. What did you call it?
- [45:30]
B
The choad.
- [45:31]
A
Is that what it's called?
- [45:33]
B
You've not heard it called the choad?
- [45:34]
A
The taint.
- [45:35]
B
The taint. I've heard it called that.
- [45:37]
A
I feel like boys have so many nicknames for that area. Like, they just have so many nicknames for that area. But yeah. So massaging your prostate is supposed to be extremely pleasurable for men to the point where some can have that type of orgasm without ejaculation. So when people ask, can men have multiple orgasms like women do? The answer is yes.
- [46:04]
B
Interesting. I didn't know that. Right on.
- [46:08]
A
Yeah. Tell me the P.O. box later. I'll a couple of really good.
- [46:12]
B
I'll send it to you. Perfect. Let me tell you about something you carry every day but probably haven't upgraded in years. Your wallet. I didn't realize how overdue mine was until I switched a Ridge. My old wallet was stretched out, overstuffed, and just a pain to carry. Moving to Ridge was an immediate difference. It's a slim, modern design that still holds up to 12 cards plus cash without feeling like a brick in your pocket. It's built from premium materials like aluminum, titanium, and carbon fiber, so it's made to last. Ridge also offers over 50 colors and styles, so you can find one that actually fits your look. I love that every Ridge wallet includes RFID blocking to protect against digital pickpockets. And it's backed by a lifetime warranty. This is genuinely the last wallet you'll need to buy, which explains the thousands of five star reviews. And if you're someone who's always misplacing things, the airtag attachment is a game changer. Ridge also makes key cases and luggage with that same sleek, durable design. For a limited time, our listeners get 10% off at Ridge by using code SRS at checkout. Just head to ridge.com and use code SRS and you're all set. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them our show sent you again. That's 10% off your order when you go to ridge.com and use code SRS. So let's talk about. Let's talk about this study.
- [47:53]
A
Yes.
- [47:54]
B
So it's sample size of 5,000Americans in relationships. One of the largest quantitative studies on sexual satisfaction conducted by university researcher at this scale. Looks like you found a number of findings. Do you want me to go through some of them?
- [48:10]
A
Sure.
- [48:11]
B
All right. Finding number one, the gap. More than one third of Americans in relationships are sexually unseen, satisfied. This undercuts the cultural assumption that having a partner means your sex life is handled binding to the predictor. Sexual communication is the single most powerful predictor of sexual satisfaction above physical technique, frequency or attraction. Finding three secondary predictors. Sexual mindfulness, the ability to be mentally present during sexual sexual confidence and sexual or excuse me and self esteem. Finding four downstream consequences. Sexual dissatisfaction predicts physical health problems, mental health issues, relationship deterioration, divorce and breakups. And this, this turned into a wildly successful TED talk published into textbooks. What else did you. Let's start with number one, the gap.
- [49:15]
A
Let's talk about that one. So I think when people think of sex, they think, oh, just find a partner. Especially Gen Z. Because I teach Gen Z's in college. Right? The most pressing issue for Gen Z guys is just finding a partner. It's not, you know, sexual communication. So whenever I teach these things, I was like, oh, just get me a girl first. Like I can't even find a girl. I don't have Riz. Dr. Tara, have you heard of Riz?
- [49:52]
B
No.
- [49:53]
A
Oh, it's Gen Z for charisma.
- [49:55]
B
Okay.
- [49:56]
A
Or like being able to like get a girl. Yeah, I don't have Riz. Dr. Tara, get me a girl first. Before you even teach me sexual communication, who do I talk to? So not their most pressing issue. The most pressing issue for them is not finding a partner. But then the misguided belief that a lot of people have is having a partner solves all issues when it comes to relationships. When in fact you know this by now. You know being in a relationship for so long that communication is the most important thing in a relationship. Whatever issues you have, communication is going to be the tool that solves those issues, those problems. So you know, when I find that a lot of people are unhappy with their sex and by the way, like, you know, one third is conservative. I think it's more. But due to when people take surveys, you know, they have biases and desirability purposes. Right. Like they don't answer the truth. Truth. I think it's more. I think it's more than one third.
- [51:04]
B
I mean, it doesn't surprise me. You just mentioned that you thought that 50% of people are not having sex. Yeah, I think it's not in relationships.
- [51:12]
A
Yeah, in long term relationships, I think it's more than one third, but yeah, one third of Americans that were a part of my study were not happy with the current sex life that they have. And to me, as a professional in this field, it's not mind blowing to hear. It's actually quite common. It's affirming, if anything, of my professional observation. Whenever I tell people that don't work in this field, they go, oh my God, how do these people live? Like, what is their life like? What is their relationship like? Then you just get through it. You get through it like you get through anything. You just, you wake up, you eat your breakfast, you go to work, you come back, you have dinner, watch some tv and you go to bed.
- [51:59]
B
What? That has to be unhealthy. You're talking, we're talking about people. You, you. At first you mentioned people that hadn't had sex in over two years. Adults. I mean, what are they doing? Are they, are they, are they having affairs? Are they, they have porn addictions. What, what, what, how do they release.
- [52:25]
A
When I say they haven't had sex, it doesn't mean they haven't had masturbation. So people self pleasure all the time, they just don't have sex with each other?
- [52:35]
B
Would they rather self pleasure than have sex with each other?
- [52:39]
A
A lot of people will say that. Yeah. Yeah. If I have to guess, a lot of people listening and watching have this experience where, yeah, I just don't want to bother anymore. I have initiated something so many times, got rejected so many times, I don't bother anymore. I just go jerk off. I think that's a lot more common than anyone would think. And people might feel ashamed that that's happening to them in their marriage. But what they don't know is other people do it too. That is really common. And when you think about people who say, you know, I just don't bother anymore, I'll just do it myself, you know, same result, right? I just want to orgasm. I just want to come. Like, same result. But it's not the same.
- [53:33]
B
Not the same.
- [53:34]
A
Not the same. Because what's missing is human connection. That sexual connection with your partner is the distinguishing difference between a friendship, roommate friendship and a romantic relationship. Apart from asexual people, in which, you know, a lot of times they get left out of this conversation. But it's only about 1% of the population. Most people want to feel sexually satisfied, fulfilled and connected with their partner. They want to be able to, you know, hug each other, kiss each other and feel like there is this strong bond and connection when they don't have it and they think it's fine, whatever, we can coexist and do life together. What happens to them is not only it affects their relational health. Right? The relationship is. It's dry. Right. It affects their emotional health, their mental health, their physical health. Because what we know is sex is healthy for you. Sex is healthy for your. For your physical health. Right. For your heart health, for your pelvic health, for your prostate, hormones, all those things. It's good for your mental health because it's a connection with a human being and you need that. Especially in the world where we're so distant from each other through social media, the Internet and spending a lot of time at home watching tv. And then your emotional health, what a lot of people don't think about emotional health is extremely important. Being able to express different emotions and talk about different emotions, very important. Feeling safe that you can express these emotions in a relationship is very important in a relationship. It's very important for your sex life as well. A lot of women that I talk to will say, I'm too afraid to bring it up. And men as well, they'll say, I'm too afraid to bring it up. The fact that you're afraid to bring it up shows me that there is a gap in that relationship that you don't fully trust that your partner has your well being at the top of their priority. You don't trust that you can be who you truly are and express how you truly feel. If you can't do that with the single most important person in your life, you're going to struggle.
- [56:11]
B
Yeah, no kidding.
- [56:14]
A
You should be able to express pretty much anything, especially when it's a concern. You should be able to express anything to your partner. If you can't, and I know a lot of people will have a light bulb moment right now if you can't, there is something deeper. So sex, not having sex, sex less marriage is a symptom of something deeper. It's not just about sex. Sex is never just about sex. Sex is about everything else.
- [56:46]
B
What could those deeper things be?
- [56:49]
A
It could be one of the hardest things to accept. Lack of attraction. I have zero desire for this person. Like, how do you say that to your husband or wife? That's one of them. Another one is losing.
- [57:05]
B
How do you say that? How do you say that?
- [57:07]
A
People don't even respect their partner anymore. You know, whether they let themselves go physically, whether they lost their job and never tried to get Another job, or whether they used to have ambition and no longer have ambition. Maybe they used to have a lot of friends that they can cultivate relationships with, and now they're just alone in their, you know, dungeon watching porn. Respect is a huge thing. And if you don't respect your partner, you don't want to fuck them. You know what I mean? Respect is a huge thing. Attractiveness is a huge thing. Trust is a huge thing. When someone say they will do something and they don't do it, you lose trust slowly. When someone, you know nags at you or give you a negative comment about who you are, you get these paper cuts. And the more of these you have, the less likely you're going to want to have sex with that person. So, yeah, there's a lot of deeper issues than just like, oh, they haven't had sex, go have sex. Here's a sex toy, here's lingerie. It's way more.
- [58:16]
B
How do you get people to communicate? Let's just bring up. What do you think the most common is? Is it loss of attraction?
- [58:23]
A
I think loss of attraction.
- [58:25]
B
How do you communicate to somebody? How do you teach somebody to communicate to somebody that they're no longer attracted to their partner? And I see this a lot when somebody, maybe both people in the relationship just completely let themselves go. Whether that's like what you had mentioned, whether that's their internal drive, their occupation. What I see a lot is physical appearance. You know, get married, we have a kid, we're comfortable. Both people get fat.
- [58:59]
A
Mm. Comfortable, that's. That's a killer word right there. You should never be too comfortable. And that's controversial to say, but that's my belief, and a lot of professionals believes. And one of the relationship experts, thought leaders, Esther Perel, have you heard of her? She talks about that a lot. How, like, people get way too comfortable in their relationships. Like, comfort isn't necessarily a good thing for your relationship. Not to say you should feel uncomfortable. Obviously, you have to feel safe being with a person. You have to feel safe. You have to feel you can lean in and trust and rely on. On each other. But at the same time, when people get comfortable, they get all of these things that you just described, right? They let themselves go in many ways. Not just physically, many ways. In order to bring up something like this, you don't want to ever make your partner feel inferior. So you don't want to bring up with, oh, here's the things you should change. You want to bring up the positives first. Have you heard of the shit sandwich.
- [60:16]
B
Oh, yeah. I'm a business owner, Dr. Tara. I know about the shit sandwich.
- [60:22]
A
Exactly. Here are the things you do really well. Here's the thing. You can improve, but you also do really well in these things. It's the same philosophy with your partner is you want to bring up all the amazing things that they're doing and why they are so attractive in those manners, all the great things that they're doing. And it could sound like anything from, you know, like, I know that I haven't said this a lot recently, but I just want you to know that you're such a great mother. Like, I love watching you with the kids. Like, you have this demeanor of you that you can just like, dissolve any situation when they have an argument or anything. Like, you're such a. An amazing mother. And I'm just really. I feel very lucky to be with you and have a partner who is such an incredible mother. I've noticed that recently we both haven't been working out or eating right. And I feel like it has been affecting, you know, our energy. Like, we don't have that much energy throughout the day. It has been affecting maybe how we feel about our bodies or how we feel about how we look and our movements throughout the day. So I'm thinking then going to a solution. So I'm thinking, like, what if we both get, like, this is just a total example. What if we both get, like, class pass and we start going to these gym classes together twice a week? You know, we'll have my mom watch the kids, we'll hop over to, you know, the next street to this place, and then we'll go to these classes together. You have to have a solution to bringing back attractiveness rather than just saying you're unattractive. Do something right? Like, what are the solutions? And how can you be a part of it?
- [62:12]
B
And you put it on yourself, too.
- [62:14]
A
Participating with the solution is extremely important because a relationship is a team. You want to be a team. You don't want to be like, here's your problem, Go fix it. Finger pointing is the worst thing you can do in a relationship. Blame someone, right? That's the worst thing you can do. So find a solution. Communicate the solution. We'll first start with the good things. Communicate the situation. I don't even say. I don't. I don't even like to say a problem. I just say situation. Because it's a situation. It's temporary. Communicate the situation. Communicate the solution. How you can participate in the solution, then end with another Good thing. So, and with. What I really love about us is like, you know, whatever that we experience, we can talk about. Like, a lot of people can't do that. Like, you know, Emily and George, they never talk. Like talking about other people together can also bring you together. Do you know the function of gossiping? Like, it can be, it can be really bonding for couples sometimes, especially when it's like harmless, like, oh, you know, Emily and George, like, they can never bring these things up. Like, I so appreciate that we can talk about these things and bring things up. Like, you're just, you're fucking amazing. Thank you so much, you know, just so grateful that we have this open communication done. So. Yeah, sounds easy because I'm giving an example. It will be hard, but it is something you can do.
- [63:35]
B
I know that's not easy. There's no way.
- [63:38]
A
No.
- [63:38]
B
And so what I want to ask too is how many people refuse to take the steps to what do I become attractive to their partner? You know, if you, if my partner, my wife, my girlfriend, whoever, you know, let's say they got. Or I. Let's say they got, you know, just. They quit taking care of themselves. They turned into a slob. They're not cleaning up after themselves. Severely overweight, they don't want to go to the gym, they don't want to. They don't want to adjust their diet, they don't want to look at any weight loss supplements, they don't want to. Any of that kind of stuff. I mean, I think a lot of people, I would think that a lot of people refuse to improve themselves out of their own ego. Am I on on that?
- [64:36]
A
Yeah, right on the dot.
- [64:38]
B
Is there a next step?
- [64:40]
A
There is this narrative about you should love me for who I am and not try to change me. Is that bullshit?
- [64:48]
B
I pull that all the time. No, I'm just kidding.
- [64:50]
A
What bullshit is that? Like, you know, you knew me this way, why do you want to change me? Like, you know, you should love me for who I am. True love is unconditional. Come on.
- [65:03]
B
Yeah, it's both selfish.
- [65:05]
A
Be realistic. Be logical. When people say things like that, it's just a protection mechanism. It's a protective mechanism. They don't like themselves. They have a problem with their own self concept. They have low self esteem. They have low self worth and low self trust. They don't believe they're capable of changing. They don't believe they're capable of changing. And they also don't think they're worthy of those positive good outcomes. So that's a personal problem. Once you communicate these things. Right. And there's reciprocity. Right. You may be also asking questions. Is there something that you'd like me to improve or change? Right. Make sure it's reciprocal. After this conversation, if they still go on with life doing nothing at all and refuse to embark on any sort of plan to change, that's a personal problem. At that point, you sort of have to make a decision. This is the hard truth. Whether or not you want to stay and help this person change and improve or you have hit the ceiling of the growth mindset that they're not willing to have. Okay, and what decision would you make? Stay together, Help them more. Try and try or split up. And a lot of people choose the second.
- [66:46]
B
I would imagine that's why we have
- [66:48]
A
such high divorce rate.
- [66:49]
B
I would imagine. I would imagine.
- [66:51]
A
I mean, I can't talk. I'm divorced, right? Divorced from my first husband, now with my current husband. I try to do all the things that I didn't do in my first relationship, making sure that I'm being proactive of everything, including taking care of myself, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally, being a hundred percent with him, offering all the things that I can, bringing everything to the table. Because I know that a good relationship is high stake and you should treat it that way because if it's low stake, it means we should stop trying.
- [67:30]
B
Good point, good point. What else did you find in the study?
- [67:33]
A
I found that three very important predictors of sexual satisfaction are sexual communication, sexual mindfulness, and you would like this and sexual confidence, slash, sexual self esteem.
- [67:49]
B
What is, what is sexual mindfulness?
- [67:51]
A
Sexual mindfulness is the ability to stay present, completely present and non judgmental and feel all the sensations during sex. A lot of people have very low, they score very low in sexual mindfulness. Therefore, sex isn't very pleasurable because you can't stay present. You think about the dishes, you think about the kids, you think about plans tomorrow and checklists, you're not there. You can't feel the sensations that's going on and the pleasure that's happening in your body, but you have to receive it. You can't feel it. That's mindlessness. So mindfulness is being able to stay present. And non judgmental is very important as well. A judgmental lover can be judgmental to themselves and their partner. So they can go like, oh, I don't know how, I don't like the way I look naked. I wonder if he's looking at me and thinking like, oh, this is Weird. My boobs are weird. Like, what do I smell like down there? Or you might judge your partner, like, oh. Like, oh, I just. His penis is terrible. Or like, I just wish he shaved. Or like he's terrible at dirty talk. Like, you can't stay focused because you're judging. And all of those things you need in order to be there to connect and to feel. So that's why sexual mindfulness is extremely important in a good sex life.
- [69:29]
B
How many people struggle with that?
- [69:31]
A
A lot.
- [69:32]
B
Is that, that's a lot too?
- [69:34]
A
Because if you imagine, if you can imagine in real life, how many people struggle with concentration, like being able to focus?
- [69:42]
B
I mean, I think everybody struggles with concentration, but I mean, during sex, even harder.
- [69:51]
A
Right. Do you, you meditate?
- [69:57]
B
Sometimes.
- [69:57]
A
Yeah. So people that meditate. Research found that they have a better sex life. People that do yoga research found that they have a better sex life. What do they have in common? It's the ability to focus and stay present with your breath. Breathing is extremely important. I have not, I haven't been able to squirt until I was able to connect my breath breathing with my genital. Then I was able to experience the glory of squirting orgasm, my favorite feeling in the entire world. So sexual mindfulness enables you to experience these. All these good things.
- [70:41]
B
Okay. And who struggles with that the most? Male or female?
- [70:46]
A
I think women.
- [70:47]
B
Women.
- [70:48]
A
Yeah, we just were. We're overthinkers. Women are overthinkers. We think a lot of things. We, we also tend to do what is called like spectring, like a spectatoring, like go, go out of our body. Like, watch what's happening. So like, you know, we'd be like, oh, what do we look like? Like, how, how do I feel about this? Like, like, oh, do I? Like, should we, should we change position? Like, you know, all these things. Like, we have to get out of that and feel our body more and just focus on the present, focus on the partner, like breathing together. The sensation, maybe the thrust, maybe the hands, maybe whatever it is, whatever the act is, is. Is focusing on what's happening and breathing deeply.
- [71:33]
B
Okay.
- [71:34]
A
Yeah.
- [71:35]
B
Okay. What else did we find?
- [71:37]
A
Sexual self esteem and sexual confidence are very important. And people don't understand the difference between the two. So when you see a confident person in the room, do you usually say, oh, that person's so confident, or do you say that person has really high self esteem?
- [71:57]
B
Confident?
- [71:58]
A
Yeah. So you say, oh, that person's confident. Because confidence is what you can see. Confidence is external. Self esteem is internal. So people can fake it. When you hear people say it's fake it till you make it, it's fake your confidence until people believe that you are not necessarily truly feeling you're worthy on the inside. Self esteem is internal self esteem is what you should work on. Because when you have high self esteem, you most likely it's correlated, it's significantly correlated. So when you have high self esteem, you will come off as confident. You express yourself confidently. So work on your self esteem. Work on your sexual self esteem, which is believing that you are capable of good sex and worthy of good sex and orgasms and pleasure and connecting with your partner.
- [72:53]
B
Okay, so how would somebody work on their sexual self esteem?
- [72:57]
A
I have three different things that I teach my students. The first one is positive affirmations. Are you a big fan of positive self talk?
- [73:08]
B
No.
- [73:08]
A
Okay. Positive self talk. There's a lot of positive psychology research out there, a lot saying that it's one of the most important predictors of high performance and that that is in all sort of psychology research like sports psychology, Particularly people like, you know, Lebron or Tiger woods or people that are really good at sports, people that are the best at what they do in sports because this was based on sports psychology, tend to do this positive self talk and positive visualization, thinking they already won. Visualizing specific scenario of winning.
- [73:48]
B
Okay, I do that. I visualize, I don't, I don't talk to myself and pump myself up.
- [73:54]
A
So visualizing is non verbal. So you are talking to yourself non verbally.
- [73:58]
B
Okay, yeah.
- [73:59]
A
Because positive self talk isn't necessarily always verbal. It can be verbal or non verbal. If you imagine positive things happening to you, you are non verbally self talking. Okay, yeah. So you do that already. Most high performing people already do. And a lot of personal development people talk about it. It's important because our brains are supercomputers and what you tell will believe. So if you continue to tell yourself, I'm so stupid, I'm so ugly, I hate my body, I hate my penis, you know, I'm not worthy, no one wants me. Like that's what you are going to believe and that's who you become. But if you believe, you bring things to the table. You believe you are attractive, you are interesting. People want to talk to me like you know, then that's what you are going to believe about yourself. Same thing with sex. So sexual self esteem, how do you build it? So first is positive sexual affirmations. So saying things like, or writing down or thinking about it, that you are worthy of pleasure and connection Your body is sexual and amazing. You love your penis, that you have an amazing penis. And it works. It works whenever you want it to work. You have firm and great erections, things like that. So telling yourself that either verbally or just think it or visualize it, all of those things are great things. So that's one of them. And all of that, there's a lot of research to prove that it works. Secondly is sexual meditation. And sexual meditation is similar to regular meditation, but it focuses on sexual thoughts, sexual feelings and sensations in the body. So when you sexually meditate, you sit down and you can be naked in order to have body parts be accessible. You can be naked, sit down, and you can do this with your partner as well. It's one of the great, like non penetrative sexual activities that you can do. You can think sexual thoughts together and that can be the last time you had hot sex together. It can be an imaginary scene of what you want to happen. It can even be. It can, it can be something that doesn't even involve your partner. Like, it can be something that is just about you. Maybe you're masturbating and for the first time you have regular erection. Because a lot of people struggle with going soft after like a minute or so. So like, let's say you imagine that while you meditate and take deep breaths. There's a lot of research actually based out of University of British Columbia. There's this sex research lab ran by Dr. Lori Brotto that talks a lot about these sexual mindfulness practices and how amazing they are in improving sexual functioning, sexual arousal. So if you people feel more aroused and sexual satisfaction. So sexual meditation is one of them. I have like guided sexual meditation clips on YouTube if people like to like listen to someone and just follow the guide, because it can thinking sexual thoughts, it can also be feeling your body. So I'll guide people, you know, to take deep breaths and sing their breath with like playing with their nipples. And then now go down to your pubic area, Massage your pubic area clockwise. Take a deep breath again. Now massage it counterclockwise. Like doing these things allow you to zone in, right? You zone in, you sing your breath, you practice it regularly, do the same thing during sex, it translates.
- [77:43]
B
And couples do this together as well.
- [77:45]
A
You can do it together. Yeah. So there are, where there are like for example, my meditation tracks, like there are some for couples and some for solo.
- [77:53]
B
What would a couple's meditation be like? What would you do as a couple?
- [78:00]
A
Take deep breaths, sing your breath, thinking the breath Is very erotic, very hot. Sinking the breath. Hold hands. Follow the guide. Part of it will be like, you can now touch each other's like, chest, you know, Take another deep breath. And you can now touch each other's pubic area and inner thighs. Do this while saying things like. And I'll give an example. I love your body. I adore your body. I desire you. People have never done that in their life. So when they do it, it's. It's a huge turn on.
- [78:36]
B
Interesting. Interesting.
- [78:38]
A
Definitely try. You're going to try tonight?
- [78:40]
B
I probably will try tonight. So, yeah, my wife can't wait till I get home and talk about this conversation. Usually she's not like that.
- [78:47]
A
Perfect.
- [78:48]
B
Doesn't want to hear all the dark shit that we're uncovering. You keep bringing up men that are not comfortable with the way their penis looks. So what is it that a woman is looking for in a man's penis that makes it attractive?
- [79:03]
A
That makes them attractive?
- [79:04]
B
Yeah.
- [79:05]
A
I would say based on research, people will say at least an average size. There's firmness to it and hygiene. You will not believe how many men don't take care of their hygiene down there. Like they just let things grow and they just, they don't wash it properly. You know, maybe they wash the shafts, but they don't wash the balls. But then, you know, when she goes down on you, like the whole thing, they smell together, like it's together.
- [79:37]
B
Okay.
- [79:38]
A
You don't want to have cheesy dick.
- [79:40]
B
Gotcha.
- [79:41]
A
Yeah, you got to wash. You got to wash the whole thing. Wash. If you're uncircumcised, you got to pull it down. Wash the under, wash the balls, wash the taint, Wash your butthole. Like all of that combined, like, wash them thoroughly.
- [79:56]
B
Holy.
- [79:57]
A
Because when it's nice and clean and well trimmed, some, some women may like it just shaved because like, you know, when she gives you a blow, she doesn't want like stuff in her face gives her pimples. You want it to be desirable for her to go down on you. That's the thing. That's my tip. It's like if shaving is the last thing you can, like, if the first thing you can do, you should do it. Because if there's a lot of hair, she might feel like it's irritating. And if she cares about her skin. Right. A lot of women have, you know, they're like five step skin care. She might not want to go down on you just for that sole reason. Every time I do it, it gives me pimples. I don't want to do it. Yeah. So trimming, shaving, whatever. Keep that area nice and neat, like your lawn. And wash it thoroughly. That's the very first step. Take care of your whole body. Right. Smell good. But also, I think the main thing that men are insecure about, the main two things that men are insecure about are size and holding an erection. Because a lot of men, and you can probably guess this, especially if they're not very healthy physically, they can't keep an erection that long. Either they can't even get an erection, or they can't keep it that long. And that's like. It's hard. I feel for them. It's hard to feel that way because you have sex with a girl and then all of a sudden, you know, my dick soft. It's very threatening. It's like a. What do I do now? It hurts their self esteem, self concept, who they are, and confidence for the next time because then now they might not want to try because it might not work again. And what does that do? It hurts your. Your face. Right. Like it's face threatening.
- [81:46]
B
It's something to be ashamed of. Space.
- [81:49]
A
But they shouldn't be because it's like I always say, it's a situation, not a problem.
- [81:54]
B
Okay.
- [81:55]
A
Yeah.
- [81:55]
B
Okay.
- [81:56]
A
Yeah. And you can work with a situation.
- [81:58]
B
Right on.
- [81:59]
A
Yeah.
- [81:59]
B
All right, let's take a quick break, and then when we come back, we'll be talking about the science of great sex.
- [82:07]
A
Let's do it.
- [82:08]
B
Perfect. I've been thinking a lot about this lately. We track everything in our lives. Our workouts, our sleep, our business metrics. When it comes to our actual health, most of us are just guessing. And that never really made sense to me. And I think we've all had that experience where you go in, get checked out, and leave without any real clarity, no real breakdown of what's going on or what to actually do next. That's why I'm really interested in what Superpower is doing. It's one simple set of lab tests, but you're getting data on over 100 biomarkers. So now you can actually understand what's going on with your body, from hormones to metabolism to vitamin levels and more. And for me, that's the biggest thing. I'm always wondering, what should I be doing? What supplements make sense, how to adjust my diet, how to optimize performance. And instead of guessing, Superpower gives you a real plan based on your data. It also tracks everything over time so you can see progress year after year and not Just start over every time. Make this the year you stop guessing about your health. With Superpower. For a limited time, our listeners get $20 off to unlock their new health intelligence. Head over to superpower.com and use code SRS for $20 off your membership. That's code SRS and after you sign up, they'll ask how you heard about Superpower. Do me a favor if you could and tell them the Shawn Ryan show sent you to support the show. When you're trying to perform at a high level, you start optimizing everything, like your training, your nutrition, your mindset. For a long time, I wasn't really dialing in my sleep. If your sleep is off, everything feels harder the next day. That's what got my attention when I tried Beam's Dream Powder. I didn't want something to just knock me out. I wanted something that actually improved my sleep. And that's exactly what it does. Best of all, Beam is an American company that makes clean, science backed products designed to help people perform at their best. Dream is our sleep formula and it's loaded with ingredients your body actually needs to recover. Reishi, magnesium, L theanine, apigenin and melatonin, but dosed intelligently. My favorite flavor is cocoa, but they've got plenty of options. I mix it up and drink it about 30 minutes before bed for optimal results. Like I said, it tastes great, it's smooth, and it actually feels like part of my nightly routine. Now and for a limited time, I've got my listeners an exclusive discount of up to 50%. Go to shopbeam.com SRS and use my code SRS to get up to 50% off. This is the best discount Beam gives out. So tell your friends too. Even if they don't listen to the show, if they want to fix their sleep, they've got to try beam. So remember to go to shopbeam.com SRS use code SRS. With my code SRS, you can grab dream for 50% off. Try it today. All right, Dr. Tara. We were going into the science of great sex. But then right before we walked in here, you had. What did you do in orgasmic hypnosis? Hypnosis in Ibiza?
- [85:48]
A
Yes.
- [85:49]
B
All right. What is this?
- [85:50]
A
So it was a retreat. It was a weekend retreat with this hypnotist expert who is an expert in helping people experience bodily orgasm through hypnosis without touch. So the training was on both sides. You train to receive, but also train to give. And it was incredible. It was my. I'd say it was the second Time in my life that I had an orgasm without anyone touching me.
- [86:29]
B
Wow.
- [86:31]
A
Yeah. Orgasmic hypnosis.
- [86:34]
B
Wow.
- [86:34]
A
It's a real thing. And if you watch videos of his retreat, you'll see how many people, women and men, have these orgasmic experiences. I mean, mine was very. Mine was subtle because I think I was halfway conscious of there's so many people in the room. So when I was orgasming, I wasn't so, you know, loud and uninhibited like I would in a bedroom. But some of these people, they are able to let go completely and they like had the biggest, loudest, most amazing body contorting orgasm.
- [87:12]
B
Holy shit.
- [87:14]
A
Yeah, you should try.
- [87:15]
B
Right on.
- [87:16]
A
Yeah, I've tried many things, Sean. I've. I love. What I really love to do is exploring. I've tried these, like all the retreats. Like, I just love going on them and just see what it's like for myself. Because I can tell people. As a social scientist, I can't tell people what to do unless I've done them.
- [87:34]
B
What are some of the other wild experience experiments you've done?
- [87:39]
A
Oh, I've done so many.
- [87:40]
B
Anything you want.
- [87:41]
A
Can I talk about what I can't talk about on the show?
- [87:43]
B
Okay.
- [87:44]
A
Are there things I can talk about in this show?
- [87:46]
B
No, you can talk about whatever you want.
- [87:49]
A
I mean, I love the orgasmic hypnosis experience. I've had an anal retreat.
- [87:55]
B
An anal retreat?
- [87:58]
A
Yeah.
- [87:59]
B
What is that? I mean, I got a good idea.
- [88:02]
A
But you know what, exactly, you've heard about it.
- [88:06]
B
An anal retreat.
- [88:08]
A
So I have never had an anal orgasm up until that point. I've never felt pleasure anally, but I know that anal sex is a part of exploring with a partner and it can be very pleasurable for the other person as well. And yourself. I just felt like I'm missing out for the fact that I've never had like anal pleasure. So I reached out to this person who is a sexological body worker. Have you heard of that?
- [88:41]
B
No, definitely not. A sexological body worker.
- [88:44]
A
Yeah. So in there's. Do you don't like the four types of sex therapy?
- [88:52]
B
No.
- [88:53]
A
You want to talk about it?
- [88:54]
B
Yeah.
- [88:55]
A
So there's four types of sex therapy. There is a talk therapy. So sex therapists like Vanessa, talk therapist. So talk therapy. There is somatic sex therapy, which is body movement. Because a lot of times when people have, let's say energy stuck in their pelvic area and a woman has never had an orgasm in her entire life, it could be that. So talking about it won't help movement will. So somatic sex therapy is the second one. Third is sexological body work where it's one way touch, so the therapist will touch you and work on your body for whatever issue or situation you may have. And then the last one is a surrogate sex sex surrogate therapist. So this is a two way touch. So just like a surrogate that carries babies you, it's a sex surrogate. So they either have sex with you or other types of sexual activities. Whatever your situation or issues are or trauma that you have to get over, they work with your body, together with you. But in that you can't just go to a sex surrogate to have sex. You have to work with a talk therapist, like a sex therapist. And it's like a triangle model where it's like you talk therapist, surrogate therapist and then you get to go have sex with the surrogate to solve whatever issue you may have. I've talked to a surrogate therapist that has had mainly disabled clients in her practice. And she said how life changing it was for them. There was a younger guy in his 30s in a wheelchair that has never participated in mainstream dating culture because he's disabled. But not only that, he was also like mentally disabled and just haven't been able to participate in the mainstream dating culture or sex culture. And through his therapist was referred to the surrogate and he for the first time, you know, went to see the surrogate and through and they talked first and then they went through an exercise where they both get naked and he's on the bed, she's on the bed and she puts her naked body next to him, cuddle him and put her head on his chest and he just started crying.
- [91:25]
B
Wow.
- [91:27]
A
Because he just never thought he would ever be able to experience something like that in his whole life. So could be very, very powerful. So those are the types of therapy. Sexological body worker was the person that I work with for my anal retreat. So she taught me how to have anal pleasure.
- [91:47]
B
Okay.
- [91:48]
A
Yeah. Through like touching me in different areas and working with me to understand my body and what types of touch, what types of penetration, what types of toys I can use, what types of music should be playing, like things like that. So that was very helpful. I had an orgasmic time with her and that was really eye opening for me to learn to like anal sex. And that's just one of them. What else? This summer I'm going on a sex cruise. A sex cruise, interesting luxury cruise through Europe. So it's out of Barcelona. And we'll Go to, like, beautiful places in the Mediterranean where every day there are sex workshops.
- [92:39]
B
What kind of sex workshops?
- [92:42]
A
How to give a better blowjob. How to do bdsm. How to do shibari bondage.
- [92:48]
B
Hold on, what is bdsm?
- [92:51]
A
Have you heard of bdsm?
- [92:52]
B
Probably, but what is it?
- [92:54]
A
It's bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadism, masochism. It's. It's like a whole lifestyle slash sexual practice and philosophy. So there can be like light bdsm. So if anyone has like, spanked their partner, like, you know, slap that ass, spanked the partner. Or maybe like light choking at home, a little bit hair pulling at home. Like all of those are bdsm, but it's light.
- [93:22]
B
Okay.
- [93:22]
A
Like at home, bdsm, you know, DIY bdsm. Because there are also people that go to see, like, dominatrix in a dungeon, like professional bdsm. So there's that, but then there's also like DIY at home videos and like where you do like handcuffs. Right. Like light things. So there's classes for that. There's going to be classes for bondage where they teach people how to use ropes. Yeah, there will be lots of classes. So I'm on there teaching. So I'm going to be teaching sexual communication for couples, talking about, like different topics they should talk about in their sex life. How to explore, like different kings and fetishes through communication. So that's going to be the class I'll be teaching, but I'm going to be also going to these classes and exploring new things. There will be like sex positive shows every night. So like cabaret, burlesque.
- [94:21]
B
Okay.
- [94:21]
A
You know, naked people dancing.
- [94:24]
B
Right on.
- [94:26]
A
Things like that. And then there's also like a private room where consensual adults can swing if they want to, but it's not necessarily the key. Like, the key is that there are sex workshops every day and that it goes to these beautiful European destinations.
- [94:43]
B
Gotcha. Yeah, gotcha.
- [94:44]
A
So when we're doing that, this.
- [94:46]
B
So you come back with a whole new sloth of skills.
- [94:49]
A
Yeah, I will. Like, if you have one coming back next year. I talk about all these other things. I've also trained with a professional dominatrix as well.
- [94:57]
B
Really?
- [94:58]
A
Yeah, I have a certificate. I should have brought it. I have a certificate. I'm a certified dom.
- [95:04]
B
Right on.
- [95:07]
A
Yeah, it was. So I'm making this TV show called Sixplore and it's all about me exploring different sex subcultures and in a non judgmental way, in a like, almost like investigative journalism. Way, just showing people what's there. Not a propaganda, not like you should do it, but like, here's the menu.
- [95:29]
B
Very cool.
- [95:29]
A
And one of them was me training to become a professional dom.
- [95:33]
B
Right on.
- [95:34]
A
And it was.
- [95:37]
B
When is this coming out?
- [95:38]
A
Do you haven't sold it yet?
- [95:41]
B
Oh, you're.
- [95:42]
A
We're just making it.
- [95:43]
B
You're just making it?
- [95:44]
A
Yeah, I made like three episodes.
- [95:46]
B
Nice.
- [95:46]
A
Yeah. But, yeah, but it was a very, very interesting experience because I've never. I've never really been into BDSM or that lifestyle that much, but I've always been intrigued because a lot of people that practice it religiously will say that it's transformative for their life and their trauma. Like a lot of people will say that it's healing for them. So I'm just curious. I wanted to go in with blank Slate and just see what it looks like. And I was trained by a dominatrix called Mistress Damiana Chi, who also has a PhD in psychology. And she has been a dominatrix, professional dominatrix for over 25 years. So I went there to train with her in LA and her dungeon was very interesting.
- [96:40]
B
I bet it was.
- [96:41]
A
It had everything. Things I've never seen in my life. I mean, if you've ever seen like Fifty Shades of Grey, it's like more stuff than that.
- [96:49]
B
Wow.
- [96:50]
A
Everything is in there, every scene. So, like there's, you know, stuff that's for like bondage stuff, there's stuff for pain. There's also stuff for like, medical stuff, everything. I'm not an expert in BDSM by any means, but practicing those things with the subs that were there for as volunteers have been a very empowering experience for me because as a dom, you have to take control of the situation and your subs do what they're told. And the subs were men. And I mean, these men were very high power men. And I can't share, obviously, it's their confidential, there's confidentiality with their identity. But they are men that make a lot of high power decisions in their daily life and they just want to not do any of that in sex. So when I was training, it was with volunteer subs like that. They were her subs, but they were there to volunteer for me to learn from them. Wow. That was another wild experience.
- [98:00]
B
That sounds wild. I mean, did you. How do. What do you think now? Are you into it?
- [98:08]
A
Yeah.
- [98:09]
B
Really?
- [98:10]
A
I would say there. I would say it's a spectrum. So to say I'm into it, I'm not into it. Here, I'm into it. Like, here. Like, if it's 1 to 10, I'm probably, like, a level 4.
- [98:21]
B
Every once in a while.
- [98:22]
A
Yeah, every once in a while. And also with a participant that might enjoy it. Right, like that. Want to do it. That gives them pleasure. It's not fun when you inflict pain or discipline someone when they don't like it. It's only fun when they find it pleasurable. Like, I want to give people pleasure. I'm a very generous lover. My husband would attest to that. But with bdsm, it's all about consent. It's all about negotiating and consent and putting things in writing and signing it off.
- [99:00]
B
Like, it's putting things in writing.
- [99:01]
A
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. BDSM contracts are very clear. Very, very clear. If anything, I think people that are not practicing BDSM should take note on that. Like signing a contract on sexual preferences, really thinking through, like, you know, the things that you really like, they. Pleasure map. You talked about pleasure mapping before.
- [99:25]
B
Did I? I can't remember.
- [99:28]
A
Have you tried pleasure mapping?
- [99:30]
B
No.
- [99:30]
A
So have your wife touched? Oh, well, touch, massage, or lick different parts of your body and take note of which parts feel the best. I already know that you can't just say penis. There has to be other parts of the body, too. Come on, Sean.
- [99:46]
B
All right.
- [99:46]
A
You're not a basic man. Like, erogenous zones, which are zones on the body that are most arousing.
- [99:54]
B
Okay.
- [99:54]
A
So, yeah, pleasure mapping is what everyone should try, is massaging, touching, pulling or licking different parts of the body from, like, back of the ears, back of the neck, lips, you know, face, chest, like, down the tummy, pubic area, but fingers, toes, like, everything. And then just take note of what parts are the most arousing. So that's pleasure mapping. So you also, like, get to talk about things like that in bdsm, like, what feels the most pleasurable. So, if anything, it's like, a lot of sexual communication. And it was interesting. Like, I wouldn't say I'm an expert of that, but I would say that it's an interesting practice that I would practice more lightly in my life rather than professionally. I can do it professionally. It was. It was tiring. After two days, I was like, I'm really tired. Like, it's hard to be that tough all the time. I guess. Not in my personality. I think you have to have a personality.
- [100:56]
B
So what is.
- [100:56]
A
You might be able to be a good dom? Are you a dom in bed? You probably are.
- [101:00]
B
I've never done it.
- [101:02]
A
Well, Are you, like, dominant?
- [101:04]
B
Probably in general?
- [101:06]
A
Yeah. Yeah.
- [101:08]
B
So what. What, what. What is the point? What. What do people get out of it?
- [101:14]
A
Pleasure.
- [101:15]
B
I mean, you were. I get that, but I mean, you were saying a lot of these men make a lot of decisions, important decisions. They don't want to be doing that in the bedroom. What. What do they. What. So what do they want? What is the. What is the premise of it?
- [101:30]
A
Pleasure.
- [101:31]
B
Pleasure?
- [101:32]
A
Yeah. Pleasure in exploring the taboo.
- [101:36]
B
Is it the lack of control?
- [101:38]
A
Yeah.
- [101:39]
B
Okay.
- [101:39]
A
Releasing of control. Surrender.
- [101:43]
B
Okay.
- [101:44]
A
Yeah, in a way. You know, when people do psychedelics, like, you have to surrender mentally. So this is surrendering. Surrendering mentally and physically. And pain isn't necessarily always the point because pain comes with discipline. Like, if you. You've done something wrong in the scenario, like role play, you wrong, you then get discipline. But pain isn't always the point. Like, sometimes it's just serving your mistress or goddess or serving your dominatrix. Like in that scene. Because that was just practice, right? In that scene, like, they were on their knees the whole time, the whole day.
- [102:26]
B
Wow.
- [102:26]
A
At some point I was like, are you okay? Do your knees hurt? And then the dominatrix, like, did the. She's like, don't ask them that.
- [102:36]
B
Damn.
- [102:36]
A
I was like, oh, my. I'm so sorry. She's like, don't apologize. I guess I don't have the personality for it, but. But I was like, my God, you've been on your knees all day.
- [102:48]
B
Damn.
- [102:49]
A
Yeah.
- [102:49]
B
Wow.
- [102:50]
A
Was an interesting experience.
- [102:51]
B
That sounds like it.
- [102:52]
A
So that's what I love to do, is exploring new stuff. What it's like, what it's like in that arena. I don't have to always do it in my real, real daily life, but it's fun exploring.
- [103:02]
B
Makes sense. Makes sense. All right, so let's. Let's move to the science of great sex. Where do we start here?
- [103:11]
A
I mean, I would say understanding great sex, you have to understand it from three different perspectives. Personal, relational, and societal. So personal are some of the things to consider. Are you a healthy person? Do you take care of your body, bodily functioning? You know, do you have your genitals work regularly? Do you have to go see a doctor? Is there pain? Some women experience a lot of vaginal pain. You gotta go see a doctor for that. Some men can't have reliable erection. They should go see a doctor for that. So personal. It's like a lot of yourself. Like, what about you brings the best sexual partner to the table, Right? Not just physical stuff, too. Also mental, emotional, psychological. Maybe you have sexual trauma. Maybe you have bad relational experiences in the past and you have a blockage, maybe emotionally, you're not emotionally open and therefore can express enough of your emotions to make your partner feel safe and held a lot of things about yourself. So that's your personal situation. You gotta figure out that everything is aligned personally. And that's one aspect of the science of good sex. Okay, second aspect is relational. So first one is you yourself. Second is you and me. So our preferences, our sexual profiles, our communication, our sexual communication, our relationship in general. If the relationship isn't in a good state, sex is not going to be good. So relational is you and me. And then societal is. What are some societal messages or societal norms that affect your sex life negatively? If you are in a certain society or subculture where sex, like let's say anal sex is extremely prohibited and taboo, and you know you will get like, you'll go to hell for that, for example, then you have a lot of shame trying to tell your wife that that's something you want to try, right? Or if you're in a society like a lot of places in the Middle east, women can't really have any sexual desire, can they? Exactly. Like, you know, they have to cover their whole body and only show their eyes. Like, if you're in a society like that, that's gonna affect your sex life regardless of you could work on yourself, which I doubt you can because you wouldn't have the knowledge. But you could work on yourself. You could work on your relationship, but societally, like, it doesn't allow you to have good sex. So the science of good sex is personal, relational and societal. And these things have to go right in order for you to foster a great sex life.
- [106:23]
B
Okay, if you spend any time off road like I do, you already know how easy it is to end up second guessing where you're at, whether you're still on a legal trail or if the route ahead is even worth taking. That's why I've been using Onx Off Road. It's an off road navigation app that shows trails, public and private land boundaries, places to camp, and detailed trail info all in one place. And what makes it really useful is the amount of actual trail data you can check. Difficulty ratings, terrain details, trail photos, even recent reports from other riders before you head out there. The other big thing is you can download maps ahead of time, because once you lose service out there, your phone is pretty much useless. But with Onx Off Road, everything still works offline. And if you're riding with a Group. Their location sharing feature lets everybody stay on the same map so nobody gets lost or separated. What I like most about it is it gives me a lot more confidence when I'm exploring somewhere new. I'm not wasting time backtracking, accidentally ending up on private land, or trying to figure things out. Once I'm already deep into the trail system, I can plan ahead, know what I'm getting into, and spend more time actually enjoying the ride instead of worrying about navigation the whole time. Search onx Off Road in the App Store or Google Play. Again, that's onx off road in the App Store or Google Play. Four sexual personality spectrums. Consistent versus dynamic, Traditional versus kinky, Monogamous versus flexible, and gentle versus animal. Can we go through some of these? What is consistent versus dynamic?
- [108:11]
A
Okay, so this comes from the first chapter of my book, the what is your sexual profile? When you take the quiz, it will give you the results of who you are based on these different dynamics. So different dimensions. Then you have the language to talk about it. So the first one, whether you're leaning consistent or leaning dynamic, again, it's not like binary. It's not like I'm dynamic always or I'm consistent always. But you're leaning one person. Like you're either leaning this or this. If you're leaning dynamic, it means you love change. You love variety, you love changes. You love trying new things. You love like in a sex session, you might want to try too three different positions. You might want to try a new sex toy. You might want to try have sex in the living room, sometimes bedroom, sometimes kitchen, sometimes car, sometimes. That's a dynamic lover. If you are a consistent lover, you love consistency and one thing that consistently gives you pleasure. So you may be a missionary lover and there's no shame in any of these things. You can be anything and be great, a great lover. But you might love missionary. You might go, I need missionary every time they come. Like, if I try these things, it gets me out of the mood or out of my mojo. I can't focus. And orgasm. You might have one vibrator that you love that you try all the time. You might only like having sex in your bedroom in a specific way. Clean candles lit with a certain music consistently every time. Not like changing here, changing there. Gets me out of the mood. So some people are consistent lovers, some people are dynamic lovers. Okay, which one are you?
- [109:54]
B
Dynamic?
- [109:55]
A
Okay, so you love variety. Okay, so that's the first dimension. The second dimension is whether you lean towards kinky or more conventional. If you're traditional. If you're a traditional lover, you like sexual activities that are conventional within your society. So we're in America. The conventionality is a bit larger than, like, let's say, you know, Iran or, you know. So let's say you can agree with me or correct me if I'm wrong. Conventionality here might be sex between two people. Missionary, maybe doggy, hand job, oral, maybe a cowgirl, like, woman on top. So that's like the top five conventional sexual activity. So if someone is traditional, they enjoy sex within the conventionality. So only those things. If someone leans towards kinky, there's a spectrum within that as well. Right. Because there's people that may enjoy anal from time to time and can be kinky versus someone that, like, lives a BDSM lifestyle 24. 7. There's a difference between that as well. So even kinky has a. It's a continuum. But if you lean kinky, it just means that you like things that are outside the convention. So you are into something that perhaps might be seen a little bit unconventional. I think anal sex is still considered taboo and unconventional. And then other things, maybe it's toes, maybe you like sucking toes and that's the only way you orgasm. Certain fetishes, bdsm, threesomes, things that are unconventional are leaning towards kinky. So you're either traditional or are you leaning kinky? But with the caveat that within kinky, there's like level one to ten. Yeah.
- [112:04]
B
What are you probably lean towards kinky.
- [112:09]
A
Do you know? If you self assess, do you know which level from 1 to 10?
- [112:16]
B
Probably on the lower end.
- [112:17]
A
Like a 3?
- [112:19]
B
Yeah. Maybe 5 or lower.
- [112:22]
A
Yeah. I think a lot of people,
- [112:25]
B
A
- [112:25]
A
lot of people surprise themselves when they take the quiz because they think, like, we're vanilla, we just like these things. But then after they take the quiz, they're like, oh, I guess I'm leaning more kinky. Just have never explored
- [112:40]
B
monogamous versus flexible. Is that open relationship versus not completely.
- [112:45]
A
So monogamous means sex is only pleasurable for you if it's only between you and your committed partner. Flexible means it doesn't have to be a committed partner. So it could be open relationship, but that's, like, at the end of the spectrum. But it could just be that it doesn't have to be a committed, committed partner. Like, it can be casual sex. Like, some people enjoy casual sex. People that travel a lot, they might, you know, enjoy that type of lifestyle. Some people might, you know, get into some shenanigans. Let's Say, you know, they go on a bachelor trip to Vegas and had a threesome. That's flexible. Because they don't believe sex must be between two people in a committed relationship together.
- [113:30]
B
Okay.
- [113:31]
A
So flexibility just means flexible. And then monogamy means sex with one committed partner.
- [113:38]
B
Okay. Yeah, gotcha.
- [113:40]
A
Not gonna ask you on that one. You wanna answer?
- [113:45]
B
Yeah, I would say now that I'm married, monogamous.
- [113:54]
A
You would be surprised how many men take this quiz and they actually lean flexible, but they wouldn't tell that to their wife.
- [113:59]
B
Really?
- [114:01]
A
They're like, I'm monogamous, honey.
- [114:06]
B
Gentle versus animal.
- [114:08]
A
Animalistic. Yeah. So this is how you express in bed. So the other thing is a preferences. This is expression. So if you lean gentle, you prefer soft touches, caressing, whispering, soft kisses throughout the body. Kind of like let's get it on Marvin Gaye lovemaking type. If you lean animalistic, you love hard grabbing, hair pulling. Not always hair pulling, but just like a lot of pressure and tension. So hard grabbing, scratching, screaming, loud moaning, things like that. So some people express themselves that way and some people express themselves in a more gentle way. Which one?
- [114:52]
B
Animalistic?
- [114:53]
A
Yeah. So there you go. You are dynamic and kinky, monogamous and animalistic.
- [115:06]
B
What happens when people are mismatched?
- [115:08]
A
A lot of people ask me that. So your relationship is not doomed. When there's a mismatch, it just means that there's more conversations to be had. You have to talk about how to explore a certain level of the other person's dimension. Let's say if one person is kinky, the other person is traditional. How can we have traditional sex sometimes? Kinky sex sometimes. Right, talk about that. But kinky, what, what level are we talking? Right. Traditional. How many times can we spice it up with just a tiny bit of this? So it's more conversations. It doesn't mean you're completely incompatible.
- [115:52]
B
Okay.
- [115:53]
A
However, it is harder for couples where all four dimensions are different to foster compatibility.
- [116:06]
B
Okay.
- [116:07]
A
Just more, more work.
- [116:09]
B
Okay.
- [116:10]
A
And now you can have your wife do the quiz as well. And then you guys can talk about it.
- [116:15]
B
I will. What's the biggest misconception men have about creating great sex?
- [116:23]
A
That it's all about their penis. Yeah. Yeah. Women can have incredible mind blowing orgasms without your dick. And that can be either hard to believe or hard to take. Some people don't want to take it because there's ego attached to their penis. Like, what do you mean she doesn't want this? Right. Like, yes, she does, but it's not necessary. There are so Many different ways for women to orgasm. And if you think of orgasms as a reward, because it's what it is, right? And you talked about this with Vanessa as well, and I love that episode. When you orgasm, there is reward hormone, right? Dopamine, but there's also oxytocin and serotonin. So it feels great and connecting. It's a really euphoric feeling. So if the goal is for sex between you and her to be pleasurable, and if, like, let's say you are on some medication, your penis, you can't get an erection, it's not necessary. Like, you can give her an orgasm without your penis, you can. She can have easily have clitoral orgasm. Much easier than vaginal orgasm, clitoral orgasm, nipplegasm. By massaging her breasts and licking and playing with her nipples for an extended period of time. Some people can have orgasm with a penetrative toy. So if you use, like, a dildo and you participate like you're the person giving her pleasure, but you use a toy that works as well. So many different ways you can go about without involving your penis at all if your goal was to give her an orgasm and a pleasurable time. So men tend to be very insecure about whether their penis is big enough or if it's working right? So I always ask, what's the goal? And if their goal, and if they tell me, my goal is for my wife to always have an orgasm and, like, love sex with me and sex just means, like, all kinds of things, then I said, yeah, then you don't. Don't need to involve your penis. I mean, your penis is great, but you don't need to involve your penis. So it's okay, like, you can be the strongest person that gives her all the pleasure, the sole provider of pleasure. Without your penis,
- [119:10]
B
what would the biggest misconception be about for women?
- [119:13]
A
I would say that women believe about men. You mean like a misconception that women believe about themselves?
- [119:22]
B
About great sex?
- [119:23]
A
About great sex that creates great sex, That they have to have sex all the time. That frequency creates great sex. Because I've always had women that come to me and go, oh, my God, like, my husband wants to have sex like, every day. I don't have that kind of energy. Very common. Then I go on and ask a bunch of questions that lead to the fact that she believes in order for her husband to be happy with their sex life, she must have sex with him every day, regardless of quality. It's quantity over quality. I think that's what they A misconception. They think, what is great sex based on their husbands or their male partners. That's not true because it's always quality over quantity. Research found that the happiest couples, most sexually satisfied couples, have sex at least once a week. So if people love numbers and want a specific number to adhere to, it's at least once a week. And with the caveat of high quality, because it's always quality over quantity. Vanessa said, like, if food is good, you want to eat it all the time. If food is not delicious, why would you want to eat it again? It's like, as simple as that in terms of logic. But when it comes to what women think, what great sex is, I think they think great sex has to involve vaginal orgasm every time. Women that are not very sexually educated might think that orgasm means vaginal orgasm, but orgasm just means pleasure. So you can have clitoral orgasm, and that's your thing. That's your thing, girl. You can have that every day, all the time. And that's amazing. And it releases the same happy, connecting hormones as other types of orgasms.
- [121:21]
B
Okay, yeah, interesting. So we've talked a lot about couples that aren't having sex more than a year, two years, I think you even brought up 10 years. It's crazy to me. But what about the couples that have a lot of sex and they want to spice it up? And so, I mean, the next section I have is kinky sex fetishes and what's actually normal, but does that. So if somebody is, you know, if there is a couple and they. And they're just. They're just like, man, it's just, we've done it. We do it all the time, but we're not doing anything new, you know, what does that mean? They have to go down the kinky road? What does that. What does that mean? What do you tell them?
- [122:09]
A
Sexual exploration is the spice of life. And if you have been together a long time and you do have good connection, good sex, but it's within the realm of a container. Like, you know, here are the. Like, let's say you have five items on the menu, and sex is a restaurant, and you have five items on the menu, and after 10 years, you're like, oh, you know, I've only had these five items. Like, what's sushi like? What's tacos like? I don't know. We've never tried. We've never tried. We've never had it. You might have, like, an itch of trying sushi or tacos. If those are not on your menu already. So I would say for those couples is to tread lightly, but try different activities for sexual exploration. And that can be. It's so vast, right? Obviously, the things I've tried, you can try like this summer you can take your wife to orgasmic hypnosis retreat in Ibiza. In Ibiza. And go to a class together. Try orgasmic hypnosis to see if you guys can hypnotize each other into having an orgasm. Like that's, you know, that's one way. But of course, like that's a lot of resources and time off and. Right. Not viable for a lot of people. But I'm just saying that exploration can be anything from like that to like, let's say. Have you guys ever tried a sex toy together?
- [123:46]
B
What do you mean together?
- [123:49]
A
Like a couple's vibrator or a cock ring that vibrates for her clitoris. So there are sex toys for couples to try. There are sex toys for men, like I said at the beginning, like a prostate vibrator or massager for maybe your wife can give you pleasure through that and try it while massaging your body, maybe your chest, or maybe playing with your shaft while using the prostate vibrator. So that's one of them. There's a practice that I call like penis worshiping. And it's just like dedicating the whole session in like to the penis without expecting anything in return. And of course, there's the opposite of that, which is pussy worshiping and doing that as well. And why would anyone do it? It is a practice of devotion. Sometimes when you do life together for so long and you have kids and you have bills and you have responsibilities, you forget to devote to each other as husband and wife. So these practices where it's just solely about you. I'm here to give you pleasure and I'm excited to be here. I'm not being forced to be here. I'm not like, oh, whatever, I'll give you a blowjob. I'm excited to be here giving you pleasure. It's all about you. That's devotion. And I think relationships, long term relationships particularly need moments of devotion in order to remind ourselves of our romantic connection outside of all these things, bills, taxes and children. So those things are great. There can even be smaller things like, you know, when you go out on a date night, pick each other's outfits, you can surprise her with new lingerie. You can cook delicious aphrodisiac foods for dinner together. You can try analiac foods, anal lingerie, prostate Massager, Orgasmic hypnosis, Sexual meditation for couples showering together, right? Like, that can be quite sexual. You don't have to have penetrative sex, but you can shower together. You can maybe even try using clitoral massager on her while taking a shower together. See if you can make her come in the bathroom. A new challenge. You can. If you haven't done food play, you can try involving food. One, two foods that are great for food play that doesn't disrupt the body are honey and coconut oil. Because they're both antibacterial. So if you put, like, chocolate, like, up the vagina or something like that, it will mess with her pH and she might get a UTI or yeast infection. But honey and coconut oil tend to be safe ones for, like, if, like, let's say you want to spice up your oral, usually you just go down on her. Maybe put coconut oil all over her vulva, lick it off. That could be a play.
- [127:08]
B
Okay, for men.
- [127:09]
A
Like, women can put honey on their nipples and try to lick it off that way. That could be fun. There's so many, like, if you call me and you're like, we want to try something, I have, like, thousands of things that I think I can go on forever suggesting different things. It's just depends on your capacity.
- [127:27]
B
How do they strike up these conversations especially? I mean, we went through kind of the compatibility thing. So what if, you know, what if there is a couple that's got healthy sex and they're, you know, maybe they're incompatible, maybe they aren't. One of them is more kinky than the other. How do they bring up? How do they communicate that comfortably?
- [127:51]
A
My favorite thing to say, the shit sandwich.
- [127:54]
B
The shit sandwich.
- [127:58]
A
That works for every topic. That's hard to bring up. You know, if you're gonna fire someone or do other things in business, that's hard to do. You would do the shit sandwich. It's kind of similar because sex is so vulnerable and it's hard to talk about. You want to always first start with how great it is already, right? Especially if the relationship is good already. You know, not to say you should lie, but, like, you should remind each other how amazing our connection is. Like, I'm just so grateful that, you know, we've had this great sex life for 10 years. Like, you know, just heard statistics from Sean Ryan show, and, like, most people don't even have great sex. You know, a third of people don't even have sex at all. So the fact that we have sex this regularly is just, like, you know, hallelujah. And, like, thank you for being, like, such an amazing partner to me and so grateful for that. We've been trying. We've been having really great sex. What I heard from the Sean Ryan podcast or the Sean Ryan show was this lady Dr. Tara was talking about, like, I don't know, it sounds pretty crazy, but she was talking about how she tried, let's say, coconut oil while going down on her husband. And, you know, we have coconut oil in the kitchen. Seems like maybe that's something we could try. Like a baby step into trying something new together. Like, I could put it on you and go down on you, and, you know, you can do that to me. And maybe that's like, the first step. Step in trying something new as well. And then, of course, end with another good thing of, like, you know, I always. I love. Like, you have amazing BJ skills. Like. Like, I love that. And, you know, definitely not gonna change that. But, you know, adding. Adding other things to the menu might be fun and interesting for us now that we've been together for 10 years, and we've tried a lot of the things, Existing things already. What do you think?
- [129:58]
B
So I think that would work.
- [130:00]
A
Yeah. Yeah. So that's. That's like a conversation that you can have.
- [130:04]
B
I mean, the reason I'm asking is because, I mean, at the beginning of this, we had talked about how. We talked about communication and how it's taboo to kind of talk about this. And so I think, you know, a lot of people, they're just uncomfortable talking about the subject in general. And so then when you get to something like that, it's.
- [130:24]
A
It's uncomfortable.
- [130:25]
B
Yeah.
- [130:25]
A
And I'm realistic enough to say it is uncomfortable, and it will be uncomfortable for you for a while. Even. Even for me, if it's something that I know is very, very brand new and my husband might have, like, an idea against is uncomfortable, and it's hard to bring out, but I will always try to bring it out with that method.
- [130:58]
B
Okay.
- [130:59]
A
Something amazing already. Here's a new little thing for the menu. But you are amazing.
- [131:05]
B
Okay. Kink practitioners report higher satisfaction, better communication, stronger trust, misconception. Kink equals violence, degradation. Reality equals consensual exploration of powerful, sensational fantasies. Fetishes are more common than people think. That's true, huh?
- [131:33]
A
Yeah. Yeah. I think kink has a bad name. People think kinky. They think, oh, these weirdos doing these weird shits. When in fact, yes, there are, you know, weird people perhaps doing bad things. But then there's also People that are not weird doing bad things. You know what I mean? There's, especially with all the news that came out, like there's, it's a sensitive topic to talk about kinky sex because then people equate to like, oh, like the Diddy sex, right? Like immediately equate to non consensual sexual activity. When in fact, when you're in a relationship, you're allowed to be kinky. Or even if you're single, like as a human, you are allowed to be kinky as long as you communicate it up, up front. And the kinky sex that you have with your partner is consensual and pleasurable for both. Who am I to judge? Who are we to judge if it's within a beautiful relationship they both want to explore, they communicate about it and they accept each other. Acceptance is a huge thing. I won't judge. It's consensual and pleasurable. Go for it.
- [132:47]
B
What are some of the, what are some of the most common fetishes people tell you about in private? I'm just, I'm asking because it kind of, you know, it takes the taboo out of it. You know, it's, it's. Oh, shit. Other people are into this. I'm not alone.
- [133:03]
A
You know, the most common fetish is foot fetish. Really the most common fetish in the world and in the United States is foot fetish. If you go to a very famous website where people like sell foot pics and connect with other people that are like minded, there's millions and millions of users, like a lot of users and people are really into feed, but they're too ashamed about it. But also this, this fetish, it has like different variations because some people might be into feed in terms of, oh, it turns me on, gives me an erection, gives me a hard on, turns me on. Others might be like, I need to involve sex. Oh, I need to involve feet in sex every time in order for me to orgasm. Like, can't come without feet, so that's like a necessity. While others are just like, yeah, I love feet. Like, gets me really turned on. But then they just have, you know, missionary sex or whatever while massaging her feet or whatever. But some people need to like use for feet with the penis.
- [134:13]
B
Wow.
- [134:13]
A
In order to come. So just variations. Some people love watching women in heels, plucking their heels gives them an erection. Some people love bare feet. Some people love dirty feet. Some people love feet in socks and stockings. Some people love feet in sand. Some people will pay so much money for women to step on cake while they like masturbate.
- [134:44]
B
Really?
- [134:45]
A
Yeah.
- [134:45]
B
I've never heard of that.
- [134:47]
A
Yeah.
- [134:47]
B
Interesting.
- [134:48]
A
Yeah. So there's variations of different foot fetish. Not. They're, they're not all the same. And people are into different things. But sadly a lot of times people are very ashamed of having it.
- [135:03]
B
What are some other ones?
- [135:06]
A
So there are, there's. I mean, people that are into pain. Like it could be a fetish where they're into pain.
- [135:12]
B
It.
- [135:13]
A
People that are into. There's so many different fetishes. Fingering, like fingering. Fingering fetish where they have to be fingered every time. Women usually, they can have anal fetish. They can have balloon fetish.
- [135:29]
B
Balloon fetish.
- [135:30]
A
What is that one where they love balloons? Either like being next to balloons, like the touch of latex, like the balloon or like popping balloons. Armpit fetish.
- [135:44]
B
An armpit fetish?
- [135:45]
A
Yeah, they love like smelling, licking, touching, putting their face next to it. Putting their penis next to it.
- [135:52]
B
Wow.
- [135:54]
A
Yeah. There's so many fetishes in the world. There are obviously fetishes that should not be acted upon because it's illegal. Right. Like involves children. Like those are unacceptable and you need to work with a professional, psychiatric professional for things like that. But you know, there will be fetishes that involve children, involve hurting other people. Like for real, not consensually cutting.
- [136:28]
B
Oh, geez.
- [136:29]
A
There could be necrophilia where they like having sex with a dead body.
- [136:35]
B
Okay.
- [136:35]
A
Like corpse.
- [136:37]
B
Let's keep it light. I don't want to go down visuality.
- [136:42]
A
Having sex with animals. Illegal, but not in some states. I don't know why.
- [136:49]
B
All right, all right.
- [136:50]
A
Yeah, let's.
- [136:52]
B
Let's move on to. Let's move on to. So we have a huge military first responder audience. A lot of these guys are silent professionals. And so why is it. Thank you. Why, why do men perform. How do I say this? High performance men, the silent professionals, the military types, the stoicism, the stoic types. Why is it that they are good at performing everywhere else except the bedroom?
- [137:28]
A
Love this question. I thought about this and I also thought about some of my clients that I worked with that are veterans. And, and I looked into the literature as well. There is a huge emotional and behavioral discrepancy between being in high pressure, military esque situations where you have to be regimented, follow strict rules and you cannot be emotionally vulnerable. You have to be mentally tough and stay on course with these strict rules and actions within your attitude and behavior. Sex is the opposite. It's freeing it's vulnerable, emotional. Some people orgasm and they cry. Right. Like, it's almost the opposite of being regimented. It is being fluid in a scenario with someone you love, being completely open to them, vulnerable, allowing them to see a part of you through everything else, through the flesh. They're two very different scenarios. So of course that makes sense that if you're really, really good at this scenario, you might not be able to translate a couple of different skills that you can do in that into this other scenario that's so different. So that's the main explanation of the fact that in sex you have to be so open and vulnerable. And in these high pressure, military esque scenarios, you have to be more like closed, tough and stay on course. So that's the main situational difference.
- [139:26]
B
Okay.
- [139:30]
A
I think that with a couple of my clients, there's also this deep rooted belief about masculinity. You want to talk about that?
- [139:40]
B
Yeah, let's talk about it.
- [139:42]
A
I think in military sometimes men are taught toxic masculinity. Can you tell me what you think is the difference between healthy masculinity and toxic masculinity?
- [140:01]
B
I think, me personally, I think toxic masculinity is a facade. I think it is fake masculinity. It is. How do I say this? It's somebody. To me, toxic masculinity means somebody that is not comfortable enough in their own skin to be a man. And so they over embellish what they think masculinity is, which they think it's. I don't know. I mean, I don't. I think.
- [140:39]
A
Dominant.
- [140:40]
B
Yeah, dominant just over, just over embellishing everything, you know, over embellishment of how much they like violence, how much they like how long their fucking beard is. They'll constantly want to throw their weight around everywhere. Boston people, I think that's all Boston people around. I mean, I think that's. It's just a. It's a fake man kind of, you know, the way I would describe it. And then real masculinity I think is you are comfortable with your masculinity, so you don't need to over embellish it. And it's there when you need to pull it out. It doesn't, you don't have to display it 24 hours a day. Let everybody know how fucking tough you are. People will figure that out on their own. That's, that's, that's kind of how I would put it.
- [141:34]
A
I love it and I think it's very accurate. I would agree with you that toxic Masculinity is just a facade. And people bring up things like being domineering, you know, run over everyone. Like, I make the decision, I'm the man of the house, right? Not listening to people, not have any empathy, not being loving, because that can be seen weak or feminine. So all of those things are very toxic. And perhaps within that culture, you tell me, I want to hear from you. Perhaps within that culture, there's a lot of characters like that. There are a lot of healthy men as well. But I think there are a lot of characters like that where that sort of. Toughness, regardless of anything else, is rewarded versus healthy masculinity. Yes, you can be the protector, the provider, someone that leads the family, makes a lot of important decisions in communication with your partner. But you also know how to communicate. Know how to express certain emotions that are necessary within a relationship. Learn how to communicate your boundaries and ask for the other person's boundaries and help guide your partner and the family to a place where there's. Where it's fulfilling and healthy. And healthy masculinity has all these things combined. But I think with veterans that I've worked with, perhaps there is a lingering effect of, no, no, no, no, like, I gotta be tough. This has to be a certain way. And so after I work with them, I realized, like, oh, okay, they don't think showing a lot of affection is masculine. Being very loving is seen, might be soft when in fact they want to be, but they think they shouldn't be, or else it's not like, masculine. So being very loving, expressive things, like those things that are not considered masculine for them. So I had to, like, reprogram them that, like, listen, you can be masculine. Masculinity is hot, healthy, and attractive, but it needs to be healthy. It needs to be good for you and your partner, not these other things. I'm the man of the house. I make all the decisions. Like, she's not. She's inferior to me. Can't have a king without a queen. So when I reprogram them to, like, you know, you can be loving and masculine. You can be empathetic, try to understand your wife and be masculine. You can be touchy, like, touchy and affectionate with your children, give them kisses and be masculine. You can talk about how certain things make you feel bad and how do we improve? It is masculine because that is having the courage to talk about hard things. That, to me, is super masculine. So perhaps masculinity isn't what you thought it was. And after reprogramming and talking about all these characteristics that can help them flourish in a relationship, they tend to have more capacity to then talk about sex with their wife and be more emotionally open to the things they're into that perhaps they never wanted to talk about before. And yeah, so I always highly recommend men that have been in high pressure, high power situation like that to audit their beliefs and rethink about how do I be myself? How can I be myself? But 2.0.
- [145:36]
B
Is it true that the stoic silent type is the highest risk pattern for relationship breakdown?
- [145:44]
A
High is what?
- [145:45]
B
Highest risk pattern for relationship breakdown?
- [145:49]
A
Yes, because when you say, oh, I'm just stowing, I'm not the kind of guy that tell people how I feel, you're already losing the battle. A human experience is just a bunch of emotions you go through every day feeling different things. If you're not feeling all of them and communicating them with your partner, you've already lost the battle. If you pride yourself in only being stoic and closed off in order to maintain order within your life, That's not going to be a way to have a happy and fulfilling long term relationship. Because order, maintaining order in your life isn't necessarily the most fulfilling, interesting, exciting life, is it?
- [146:54]
B
No. I have that. A lot of women who are in a relationship with somebody like this wind up just going through the motions if
- [147:03]
A
they don't leave or they cheat, but they don't get caught.
- [147:08]
B
And so how, how do I say for somebody that's in. For the male that's in that relationship, for the high performer that's in that relationship and his wife or his significant other or her wife or her, her husband or whatever the partner. How can you tell if your significant other is just going through the motions?
- [147:32]
A
Oh, that's a really good question. If they no longer communicate what they want. When people already give up, which we call it quiet quitting, people usually quiet quit their relationship six to 12 months before they ask for a divorce. So already quit. And I can relate to that because I was already quiet quitting eight months before asking for a divorce. When people are quiet quitting, they're no longer asking for anything. They're no longer telling you what they want, what their preferences are. There's no point. I've already quiet quitted this relationship and either I quiet quit and just stay in it in the meantime until I have enough courage or a good timing to mention I want to get a divorce or I'm getting it somewhere else and this is fine. This is my life situation, I can have affection Excitement and sexual satisfaction somewhere else.
- [148:40]
B
Interesting. I mean, also, though, just to kind of counter that, a little bit earlier, you know, we were talking about the fear of asking what you want and how just how high of a bar that is alone to get over. And so if you're, if you're with somebody that's going through the motions, that is also scared to ask what they want or they never have before, Are there any other signals?
- [149:04]
A
Oh. So when I said they no longer talk about what they want, I don't just mean sex.
- [149:08]
B
Oh, okay.
- [149:09]
A
Yeah. Like, for example, if. If your wife used to say things like, oh, I want to go on a date night, or like, can we make sure we do a date night next week? Or if she goes, like, oh, I want to go shopping, like, can you get me a new dress? Or if they go, we haven't been on a walk on a beach in a long time, like, should we both leave our phones and go walk on the beach? If she was to tell you the wants and she no longer does, that's a good sign that she's checked out.
- [149:37]
B
Okay.
- [149:37]
A
Yeah. So the ones in the relationship, not necessarily sex. Sex is one of them. But sex is really hard to decipher.
- [149:43]
B
Okay.
- [149:44]
A
Yeah.
- [149:44]
B
And how should that person approach to fix the problem?
- [149:49]
A
Have a tough conversation. Might be easier with a counselor, like a relationship counselor or couples therapist. Because these conversations, they're. They're high stakes, very emotional conversations. Sometimes when two people have them, they end up just fighting and they end with a conflict. So if resources is available, I would try to find a couple's therapist to help navigate this discussion.
- [150:20]
B
Do you find that most couples are open to sex therapy?
- [150:26]
A
No, no, no. Because that's means that first step, you have to accept there's a problem. A lot of people don't accept they have a problem or situation.
- [150:35]
B
How many people stick with it?
- [150:40]
A
50%. Many people start. I've had lots of like one session. People really, they come in, they just want to say their piece, want to get it out of their chest, that's fine. And that solves whatever, 5% of their problem. And then I would give them, you know, a solution, like, here's a plan. You need to come back for this, this, this. You and her need to come back for this. Is this. They don't. So I have a lot of those. I'd say 50 of the people that I've had sessions with have never had another session.
- [151:15]
B
Wow. Wow. Okay.
- [151:18]
A
I always wonder, like, are they still together? Are they divorced? What's the situation? My Guess would be that they're not together. Or very unhappily together.
- [151:27]
B
Going through the motions. All right, well, let's take another quick break. When we come back, we'll hit some Gen Z stuff. Aging is inevitable. And if you're anything like me, you feel it a little more every year. Sore knees, tight joints. Recovery takes longer than it used to. We can't stop the clock, but we can take care of ourselves. That's why I take Bubs Naturals Collagen Peptides. I mix it into my tea every morning. It blends right in. No taste, no gritty texture. It's simple. I've been using Bubs collagen for a long time, and I genuinely notice the difference. My knees feel better. My skin looks better. I recover faster after workouts. I stick with Bubs because I trust the company. Their collagen is NSF certified for sport and sourced from grass fed cattle. So it's clean, tested and exactly what they say it is. And there's a bigger mission here. Bubs was founded in Honor of Navy Seal Glenn Bubb Dougherty. And 10% of all profits go towards helping veterans transition back to civilian life. So you're not just supporting your joints and recovery. You're supporting people who served this country. If you're ready to upgrade your daily routine with Bubs Naturals Collagen, head to Bubsnaturals.com SRS and use code Shawn for 20% off your order. Again, that's Bubsnaturals.com SARS and use code Sean for 20% off your order. Take care of your body. It's the only one you've got. Want to stay up to date on all things srs? You bet your ass you do. Our newsletter brings you the latest SRS news and critical updates. Get instant alerts on the newest episodes. Never miss a beat. Exclusive intel briefs from counterterrorism expert Sarah Adams. You've seen her many times on the show. She's going to give unfiltered insights on global terrorist activity for Patreon exclusives. You're going to get epic range days with me and damn near every guest that's come in the studio. You're also going to get behind the scenes content and guest updates. You're going to get first dibs on new merch drops and limited edition items that will never be sold again. Plus exclusive offers from our partners you won't find anywhere else. So subscribe to the Vigilance Elite newsletter right now. All right, Doctor, we're back from the break Starting to wrap it up here but next section before we get to Gen Z, modern dating stuff is what do men actually need to hear from their spouse? Tactical frameworks irregular or excuse me, I have number 1, regular intimacy check ins. 2. Express desires and boundaries clearly. 3, non verbal communication strong throughout the day.
- [154:34]
A
Love all those notes. Those are great notes from my book. What do men need to hear from their partner? I think I need to understand this question a bit more. Do you mean what should their partner tell them on a daily basis or weekly basis or what should not just
- [154:51]
B
from their partner, just what, what do they need to hear? You know, to be a successful partner, successful in the bedroom, all of that stuff. What, what are things that they need to hear? So what are regular intimacy check ins? What does that mean?
- [155:08]
A
I think what they need to hear is that you are accepted the way you are and whatever you're into, it's valid. A lot of guys out there have certain desires and fantasies and they live with it in so much shame. So I think whatever the men out there are going through sexually, whether it's something that they're into, that they feel a bit unconventional or maybe just struggling with frequency in the relationship or struggling with sexual initiation, getting rejected, whatever it is that they are desiring, know that they are valid and that they are accepted. Okay, yeah, I think they need to hear that. Okay, regular check ins. I think it's extremely important for couples to have regular sexy check ins. And I say you should have it monthly. One monthly and then one annually. A monthly one can easily be things like, you know, how would you rate our sex life Last month from 1 to 10 and why? What's something I can do to improve that by one point? We're looking for gradual improvement here, not unrealistic goals. And then what can we do together to improve that by one point? These are objective questions that are really, really good for every relationship. Is it hard to bring up? Yeah. If in your relationship you don't have that sort of repertoire, if you've never talked about sex in your whole life, bring up like how would you rate our sex life from one to 10 last month? It's a bit tough. So yeah, there's prerequisites to, you know, you should talk about sex. Other things like preferences, like what do you like? Da da da da. Are there easier things before you get to let's do this weekly or monthly or annually. But it is important because people change, they change and grow. And that preference is due to whether they grow that through self exploration like feeling Their bodies and they learn something new. Or they watch, you know, erotic movies, porn, and they learn like, oh, like I really like that. Or I want to try that. Right. So people change and grow. Their life situations also change. You now have young kids that change a lot.
- [157:39]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [157:39]
A
For people that go through and they have old age parents, dying parents they have to take care of, that changes their life situation. All of that affects your sex life. So checking in with each other once a month is necessary.
- [157:56]
B
Okay.
- [157:57]
A
Yeah. And I highly recommend that. It's a part of the study that I did where I found that sexual communication, like checking in and having that sort of conversation regularly helps predict long term sexual satisfaction.
- [158:14]
B
Okay.
- [158:15]
A
So I'm gonna give you a challenge.
- [158:16]
B
Oh, boy.
- [158:18]
A
Tonight with your wife. When you get back, you're gonna ask her, how would you rate our sex life, let's say in the last couple months, how would you rate our sex life from one to 10? And why?
- [158:30]
B
We actually talk about this all the time.
- [158:32]
A
Great. So what ratings have you been giving each other?
- [158:35]
B
A ten.
- [158:36]
A
Oh, I love that. So you guys prioritize your intimacy a lot, I see.
- [158:40]
B
Oh, yeah, yeah.
- [158:42]
A
Why do you think that is?
- [158:45]
B
I mean, it wasn't always like that, you know, but we put a lot of effort in, you know, we put a lot of effort into maintaining, you know, and maintaining yourselves, maintaining ourselves, you know, and so that translates to confidence and comfortability, being comfortable in the bedroom and. Yeah. So it's.
- [159:17]
A
Do you talk about preferences?
- [159:24]
B
Kinda.
- [159:25]
A
Okay. You typically talk about, like, do you feel good about our sex life, Right? Yeah. So you talk about quality. You don't talk about preferences as much or expansion, expanding the menu.
- [159:40]
B
We have not talked about expanding the menu, I don't think.
- [159:43]
A
Okay, so that's a new challenge.
- [159:45]
B
Okay.
- [159:46]
A
Might be easier for you because you already talk about the quality of the sex life that you guys have together. Talking about, like, preferences, like making sure if these parts still feel good. Any other parts that you discover that you want me to try? Preferences. That's good. And then perhaps expanding the menu, especially after the conversation.
- [160:06]
B
Today we have done that. I think maybe I wanted to ask this later on, but you don't know what you don't know. You know what I mean? And so I guess this would kind of go along the lines of like when we were talking about exploring new territory and fetishes and all that kind of stuff. And, you know, Vanessa has this game and I was going to ask you if you have something like that where it kind of eases the. What do you like, you know what do you want to try? What do you. And because I think even if you ask the other person is, you know, there's still a hesitancy. But Vanessa had this game that like kind of, it makes suggestions for you. Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you have any suggestions like that?
- [160:59]
A
Yeah. So a game, my game is super simple. You don't need to spend any money. It's free. Anyone can try and do. It's fun. It's called Squeeze Lick Sock. SLS different from srs. So squeeze Squeeze Lick sock. It's almost the setup of it is almost like playing charades at home. Like you need just a bowl and small pieces of paper. You write down different parts of your body that you think feels good or might feel good to explore through these actions. You fold it and put it in a bowl. And then you guys take turns picking up an item. And then you say the action. If you want to try that part. Squeezed, licked or sucked.
- [161:53]
B
Okay.
- [161:54]
A
And then you explore through that game.
- [161:56]
B
Right on.
- [161:57]
A
It's very non threatening because leave it to chance.
- [161:59]
B
Yep.
- [162:00]
A
And yeah, like you pick whether you want it squeezed, lick or suck. So you have some sort of say to it. And that's good exploration and it's fun.
- [162:09]
B
Interesting. Yeah, we'll have to try that one.
- [162:12]
A
Let me know how it goes.
- [162:13]
B
I will. Perfect. And then express desires, boundaries clearly. I think we talked about this non verbal communication throughout the day. What is that? What are you talking about?
- [162:27]
A
Physical touch. I think our society is touch starved. We want more touch. Humans deserve touch. Touch allows us to feel the warmth and affection of another person. And it doesn't have to be sexual touch. In fact, non sexual touch is better for your sex life. Non sexual touch regularly is better for your sex life. Let me explain. When you're in a long term relationship and sex becomes sort of formulaic every time you touch them, it might communicate, oh, like we're gonna go have sex if she is not into it. Every time you come over and do the boob honk or kiss on the neck, she thinks, oh, it must turn into sex. Then psychologically that touch is now something that's unwanted.
- [163:28]
B
It's an ass.
- [163:29]
A
She tenses up. It's an ass like, yo, you want something from me. So I only get affection when you want something from me. Not a good psychological state to be in a relationship. You want to feel like you get touched and you get affection all the time from your partner with nothing wanted from you in return. Not an ask. So that's why non sexual touch is so important. You can hold their hand at any time, rub their arms like this at any time. That's like put your hand on their thigh at a restaurant, kiss them on the cheeks, on the lips, on the face, on the hair, on the neck, on the chest, on the arm, anytime. Give them a little foot massage as you guys watch tv, maybe a little peck. Anytime. No sex. Like no sexual favors in return. All of these things will accumulate into your love bank. And the love bank translates into more desire, sexual desire that she'll have for you.
- [164:33]
B
Interesting.
- [164:33]
A
I can guarantee it. Because a non sexual touch is one of the things that women complain to me the most. It's like whenever he touches me, he just wants something. Not a good feeling.
- [164:46]
B
No.
- [164:47]
A
Like, oh, if he comes over and kiss my neck, I have to give him a blowjob,
- [164:54]
B
right?
- [164:54]
A
Yeah. No, not a good feeling for women. Like we don't want to feel used. Right? We want to feel like an active participant in this. And therefore if you make us feel loved and cared for, that love bank is more full. And I think there's just more capacity for us to have the stronger desire.
- [165:11]
B
Okay, Any, before we move on, anything else that men need to know about, need to say, need to do before we move to Gen Z?
- [165:22]
A
So many things. Men need to know about many things. So I'm gonna run through a few different things that I wanna talk about. So first, sex toys are your friends. They are your friends. In any like activity we do in the world, we have tools to make it better or easier. Why not sex as well? Right? Doesn't mean that just you and her is not enough. It's completely enough, but it's expanding the menu. So. Sex toys of any kind. Sex toys for her, sex toys for him, sex toys for them, sex toys for us. Like whatever it is, try to shift your perspective from. It's a competition. It's not natural to like, oh, in anything in life we do, we have aid. Why not this? So that's the first thing that I want you to like expand the definition and the menu. The second is what's a toy somebody
- [166:16]
B
should start with
- [166:19]
A
to help her have an orgasm every single time? Clitoral massager.
- [166:24]
B
Okay.
- [166:24]
A
Like a clitoral vibrator. But there's so many different kinds. So I would say a high quality one would be high quality silicone, like high quality material. They will say medical grade silicone. One that's quiet and discreet. Because nobody wants like, like a machine down there. Like those big ass like ones I Don't like. I think small, discreet, quiet, really good. Doesn't kill the wound. One that's perhaps waterproof is good. So you can use it in the shower if you ever take a shower together. These are just a few criteria. There are ones that I really love that are like pleasure jewelry. Meaning, like, you can wear it as a necklace, but it's a vibrator, so you can, like whip it out and like tease it and use it like, like in a naughty way. Like in a car. For example, if you were driving back from date night, like, you know, like, why don't you turn that on and put it on to, like, get the engine started?
- [167:26]
B
Yeah. I don't think the guy's ever gonna go, you know, if she does the signal. Oh, she just wants something.
- [167:32]
A
Maybe, Maybe I do that all the time. I have a necklace that's also a vibrator that if I get it, my husband knows what's gonna happen.
- [167:42]
B
Yeah. Yeah, I'll bet he's not going, oh, she just wants something.
- [167:45]
A
Oh, maybe he feels used. I don't know. I should ask him. Do you feel, do you feel used? Every time I grab this. So that's one of them. Another thing is I would love for people to. I would love for men to consider non penetrative sex as sexual. People think having sex is only vaginal penetration. Like, they usually say, oh, we haven't had sex forever. I'm like, oh, but did she, like, did she give you a blow job or a hand job? He's like, yeah, she did. That's sex. Like, you had sex. So expand the definition a little bit so that it gives. It's almost like training your brain to accept more reward.
- [168:31]
B
Okay.
- [168:32]
A
Yeah. Which is healthy. Like, it's going to be good for you because then you'll get reward more often. So expand the definition. Not just vaginal penetration counts as sex. Everything counts as sex. Even if you guys do mutual masturbation, lay next to each other and masturbate. Both can be in each other's presence. There's moaning, there's naked body still hot, less work on busy days. Men that have a lot of, Like, bad pictures on dating apps and they say they don't get any matches is because of your pictures. This is, this is a bit random, but I've read a lot of studies on this topic because I love talking about dating apps and men that in real life are a catch don't get a lot of matches unless they structure their dating app, their dating profile in a strategic way. So if you're like, a lot of manly men don't have any photos of themselves because they're like, when do I ever take a photo of myself? Or, like, a selfie, right? They go, I don't have good photos. Well, invest. Like, that might mean asking a friend to take some photos of you. That might mean hire a cheap photographer in your area to take some good pictures of you wearing different clothes. Like, you need good photos because on those apps, it's predicated on three seconds swipe. So if the first photo is you wearing sunglasses and a hat and on a fishing boat, you're not gonna get any matches. I'm sorry, there's nothing wrong with fishing, but you're not gonna get any matches. They need to see your full face, your body, like, your personality, your smile. So you need good photos and good profile. Like, spend some time to think about how to answer some of the prompts.
- [170:33]
B
Okay.
- [170:33]
A
Some men that come to me like, I don't get any matches. They didn't answer any of her prompts. They're like, well, but I'm not that kind of person. Well, it's all about impression management on dating apps to become more successful. So do you want to be yourself or you want to be successful? Take some tips and apply them. I can guarantee it will. It will change the likelihood of more. More. You'll get more matches.
- [171:01]
B
Okay.
- [171:02]
A
Yeah.
- [171:03]
B
All right. Well, that brings us to modern dating, Gen Z and the loneliness crisis. But before that, I have a polymarket thing. Oh, you ready? Do you know what polymarket is?
- [171:14]
A
Yeah, your bet. It's a bet.
- [171:17]
B
The US fertility rate up in Q1, 2026. Basically, they want to know. They're asking, do you think that the fertility rate is going to rise or fall in 2026? And only 35% of people say that the fertility rate is going to rise. 65% say no. So CDC's Q1 2026 general fertility rate exceeds 53.3 births. Births per thousand women aged 15 to 44. The Q4 2025 baseline. Excuse me. The crowd is pricing in a 65% chance that it falls again. The US hit a record low of 53.1% in 2025, down from 53.8 in 2024. That's two decades of decline. Gen Z is having less sex, left less often and later or not at all. Dr. Tara's research sits at the center of this loneliness app. Loneliness app fatigue, shame, and sexual communication breakdown are all contributing factors to be to a generation that is more connected digitally and less Connected physically. Is the birth rate collapse a policy problem, an economic problem, or a relationship and intimacy problem?
- [172:46]
A
Oh, that's a big question. I think it's all of the above.
- [172:51]
B
You think it's all of the above.
- [172:54]
A
I've never shared this anywhere before, but I've gone through fertility struggles for a long time and we've tried everything that science has to offer, you know, obviously naturally tried for years and then tried everything else that what science has to offer, all the procedures and vitamins and injections and didn't happen. So I would say it's all of the above. But there is a difference between fertility amongst millennials and older millennials. I would say that's my generation and versus Gen Z. I think different worries with us millennials. There have been a lot of us that pursued our careers and perhaps waited to have children later because I'm in my late 30s and we started trying like mid-30s. And that obviously just statistically in general is harder than if you were to try earlier. But it wasn't something that I wanted to or neither was what my husband wanted to because we were really passionate about what we do. We still do, we still are passionate, but it just wasn't the right time. And once was the right time, it was really hard. So that's one situation. Another situation, I would say amongst my peers, people around my age, in their 30s that are having difficulties don't have enough financial resources to pursue it rigorously scientifically because those are very expensive. I mean, you know, just transparency. Each round was like at least 15,000 each round and you have to do multiple usually. So for us it's, there's all these things to consider, you know, why it's not happening for Gen Zs. We are seeing statistics quite a few times now from different sources that a lot of Gen Zs are not having sex and also have very bleak view of the future. And that's one of the reasons why they don't want to have children is because like, maybe the earth is not going to be here. Maybe there will be World War 3, maybe there will be like an outbreak, biological warfare, some, some point. What's the point? There's microplastics everywhere, you know, or even vaccines. Like for my situation, like, who knows why? Because I'm so healthy, right? Like, I don't drink alcohol, caffeine, I exercise, you know, you can see my size. I'm a regular size person. Like it's, there is no reason why I would struggle with that. But could be anything. Could be anything, could be Vaccines could be microplastics, could be, you know, anything. So I don't know. But for Gen Zs, all of these worries combined, plus social media telling them every day, like, oh, you know, the world's going to shit. What's the point of looking forward into the future when there might not be a future? Yeah, so a lot of my students say that. I mean, I can poll my students anytime. I have hundreds of students every single semester. And time and time again, they're just like, yeah, I want to. But, like, I don't know, it just doesn't seem very promising. The future.
- [176:44]
B
Man, that's scary. Gen Z is the loneliest generation in recorded history. And also having the least sex. Your research says communication is the number one predictor of sexual satisfaction. Is the birth rate crisis really a communication crisis in disguise?
- [177:01]
A
Yeah, I think so. You know, an interesting statistic that I read about Gen Z's. Well, adults age from 18 to 29 was that in the past, their weekly social time, like, in person, hang out with friends in person. Used to be 12 hours and now it's five.
- [177:24]
B
Are you serious?
- [177:26]
A
Yeah. So if you're not seeing people in real life, you probably are not dating or participating in, you know, mainstream dating culture or having sex or talking about sex. So, yeah, like, let alone sexual communication, you're not even spending time with anybody. If social time goes from 12 hours to five hours a week, then there isn't really a lot of opportunity.
- [177:52]
B
What is. What is the modern dating scene these days? Dating apps is it really? Although the majority of it.
- [177:58]
A
There are a couple of studies now identifying that Gen Zs are also sick
- [178:03]
B
of dating apps or sick of dating apps, right?
- [178:06]
A
Yeah. Just because they grew up with it. But dating apps still one of the most prominent ways of meeting a partner. And for people that are getting married, like, they have met at least, like half the people have met their partners online.
- [178:22]
B
Wow.
- [178:23]
A
Yeah. Yeah. Very prominent way of meeting a partner.
- [178:26]
B
Wow.
- [178:28]
A
But for Gen Zs, you know, they can be on dating apps, but they're not socializing that much. They're also not having sex that much. I mean, statistically, and there's a couple different surveys you can cite, but I think all would agree that about one in four Gen Zs are not having sex. So one in four people, or that's what, 25%?
- [178:54]
B
One in four. I have here, 80% of Gen Z feels lonely versus 45% of boomers. 75% of Gen Z is burned out on dating apps. Tinder lost 590. Basically 6,000. 600,000 users. Bumble lost 370,000 users. Hinge lost 130,000 users in the 2023, 2024 time period.
- [179:21]
A
Oh, that makes sense to me. It's. It's an unusual way to meet people, isn't it? You have to go through hundreds of phases.
- [179:38]
B
Dating apps.
- [179:39]
A
Yeah.
- [179:40]
B
Have you done it?
- [179:41]
A
Yeah. Have you ever been on a dating app?
- [179:43]
B
I've been on a dating app, yeah.
- [179:44]
A
Was it exhausting?
- [179:45]
B
Long time ago. What's that?
- [179:47]
A
Was it exhausting?
- [179:49]
B
I didn't put much effort into it.
- [179:51]
A
Yeah. If you do, it's exhausting. Like, you know, it is a good way to meet people if you're so busy. If you work, you know, from morning till evening and then have dinner and then you don't have time to go out and like, meet new people in real life. It's a good way to meet people because then you meet them online. You can kind of tell if you like each other physically, then you message to meet them in person. But the problem is a lot of people don't even meet anyone in person.
- [180:21]
B
I didn't. I barely met anybody. The. It was. That's a lot of pressure.
- [180:26]
A
Yeah.
- [180:26]
B
And then the ones that I did meet, it was like, that was 75 pounds ago. That photo was 75 pounds ago. That's. This isn't so.
- [180:35]
A
There's research that shows that women lie the most about their weight and men lie the most about their height.
- [180:42]
B
Oh, really?
- [180:43]
A
Yeah.
- [180:43]
B
Okay.
- [180:45]
A
Yeah. So, yeah, that exists. Catfishing exists. You show up and you're like, oh, don't look anything like your photos. It's a disappointment. Like, it's such a bad thing to do because do you think when they see you in person, they will go, oh, I like you regardless.
- [181:08]
B
Because they don't know you.
- [181:10]
A
You can't. They can't trust you.
- [181:12]
B
Yeah.
- [181:13]
A
If you start off a relationship with, oh, I can't trust this person because they lied about what they look like, you started at like a negative. Not even at a zero. Yeah. So that's terrible. But I, I get it when people say they're exhausted about dating apps, because humans, we were historically, when was a time where we were exposed to thousands and thousands of people every week? Back in the days our ancestors never, never. We were in little tribes. Right. Just even evolutionarily, we, our way back ancestors, we were in tribes. We only knew like 100 people max, and we don't even know all of them. But we live in a little tribe and we all take care of each other. And that's like all the people we know and now you swipe from people in Australia, in Germany, in Japan. And I think it's really hard on a person's mental load to go through dating apps and still be engaged and feel positive about it. I think that's why a lot of drop offs, like a lot of Gen Zs are not participating. But then where do they meet? Because they also don't hang out, socialize in person. If you only socialize five hours a week. So that is a big puzzle that a lot of people are talking about. But there isn't necessarily one big cure. Like obviously it's getting off your phones, right? Spending more time with people, teaching Gen Zs relational maintenance strategies, friendship initiation strategies. How do you like talk to people, ask them out, not even romantically, just spending time with other people, teaching social skills, communication skills and how to foster friendships. There are so many things we can talk about with this issue, man.
- [183:17]
B
If they're not learning that, then the generation after them is going to be even worse.
- [183:24]
A
Yeah, your kids are Gen Alpha. It's completely different. These are iPad kids because the Gen Z's are not iPad kids. They're the Zoom schools. So the Gen Zs, they went to Zoom school during the most important years of social development because of COVID Covid. So these kids went to school alone, just watch other people on a screen, stay at home alone, do their homework alone. And they didn't have socialization for quite a few years of their major developmental years. And then now they're in college. And a lot of colleges now offer just Zoom, just online classes because that's how they, that's the modality that they're used to and how they like to go to school. Like I know this because I teach some online classes and those are always full because my students want to take online classes. They don't want to go to campus. So you have Zoom school generation, not hanging out in person that much, not participating in dating and sex that much. What's going to happen?
- [184:39]
B
What do you tell these kids? I mean, if 80% of the generation is lonely, I mean, how do you tell them you got to get out there, go to, go to a bar, go like go to a club, have
- [184:53]
A
too much social anxiety to go to a bar. Holy shit, there's a lot of social anxiety. It's also a heavily medicated generation. Very common for people to say like, you know, like, oh, I'm on this, this and this and that has people have different thoughts about that. What are your thoughts on Western medicine and medicating people.
- [185:21]
B
Oh, I think it's unraveling at a record pace right now. I think we are over medicated.
- [185:30]
A
I think we are, too. I'm trying to walk the line of not just shaming people that actually need it versus talking about how some people don't need it, but they think they do. Because pharmaceuticals tell you. Yeah. Because there are people that actually have these internal problems and they need medication in order to function in a society. But then there are people that are just like, oh, I'm just. I'm so anxious. Like, I need this. Or I don't think I can focus. Like, I can't study. I need to take this. Right. Like, taking Adderall to study is, like, very common. Yeah. I grew up differently because I grew up in Asia. We didn't believe in medication. You know, we were, like, boiling leaves and drinking things and my mom giving me, like, goji berries to see better or things like that. And meditation instead of medication for adhd. Right. When I was young, I was all over the place. Lots of energy. I was sent to meditation camp almost every summer. Meditation camp gave me concentration. Yeah. Junior meditation camp, where you meditate hours in a day. Like, different sessions, different teachers, and they force you to meditate.
- [186:54]
B
Do you still meditate?
- [186:55]
A
Yeah, I meditate every day and pray every day as well. How long meditating? Five minutes. Pray for five minutes.
- [187:03]
B
Okay.
- [187:04]
A
Yeah. But, you know, the way I grew up is you, if you have adhd, you meditate until you learn how to concentrate and be in your own flow. And then now I can concentrate. But I think here, you, like, slap a band aid on a problem. Right. No one has time to teach their kids to meditate or stay still or be okay with being bored and stay still. They just say, oh, okay. Like, take this, take Adderall so that you can focus. Or take a Xanax so you can chill. Yeah, you're too anxious. Take this. You can't sleep. Take this. You're nervous to go on a date. Take this. You can't get it up. Take this. Your vagina doesn't get wet. Take this. We have a pharmaceutical society.
- [188:00]
B
Yeah.
- [188:00]
A
Yeah. Some things I think we do need, but a lot of things we don't. And so that's a part of the problem of Gen Z as well, is it's heavily medicated and it's almost celebrated. Like, it's fun to talk about.
- [188:14]
B
Oh, man.
- [188:14]
A
And I've seen that in my students. I still, personally, I'm gonna be honest, haven't found A way to talk about it in a way that doesn't help make them feel ashamed. Because I also don't want to say, like, you don't need that. Like, you know, because it's tough between the line of whether they need it or not. You know, I'm not their medical doctor. I haven't read their tests. But my guess is a lot of them don't need it.
- [188:41]
B
Yeah, I'll bet you're right.
- [188:43]
A
And all of those things combined also affect the way they can date and have sex. Because when you're on ssri, you don't have sexual desire. Have you heard of that correlation?
- [188:55]
B
I did not know that.
- [188:56]
A
Yeah. And a lot of adults that are not Gen Zs, like millennials, Gen X, baby boomers, are on SSRI and they're wondering why they have low sex drive. There is a correlation between low sex drive and taking ssri. So you have to go through that as well as Gen Zs. Like, you know, you would think you're 21, man. Like, go out, talk to people. Like, talk to girls, date, have sex, jerk off. Right. You would think these things because that's how we grew up as, you know, older millennials or Gen X. But no, like, can't do that if you're on a bunch of medication. You don't even get an erection, or you don't even have, like, the desire to. They don't masturbate. They don't, like, you know, and if they do masturbate, then they rely heavily on porn. I mean, we're talking at least 50% of Gen Zs watch porn weekly. So, you know, if a lot of stimulation comes from that, then dating and trying to initiate sex with a normal girl in a bar might feel too boring. Not as stimulating.
- [190:02]
B
Wow, that's sad.
- [190:06]
A
I know. But. But you have kids in Gen Alpha, and that's gonna have a lot of the whole. A whole different set of issues that come with that as well. The iPad kids.
- [190:18]
B
Yep, I already see it.
- [190:21]
A
Do you have iPads?
- [190:23]
B
Do my kids have iPads?
- [190:24]
A
No, no.
- [190:26]
B
They get an iPad if we're on a flight.
- [190:29]
A
Oh, the flight. Yeah.
- [190:30]
B
And that's it.
- [190:31]
A
So they don't cry. Yeah, yeah.
- [190:35]
B
So they don't annoy the entire plane.
- [190:37]
A
Yeah, that makes sense.
- [190:39]
B
But. But that's it. They don't get iPads at home or anywhere else. No restaurant iPads, no nothing.
- [190:46]
A
So, yeah, we have. We have a whole different generation that will grow up with AI, with medicated parents. Just a whole lot of issues.
- [191:06]
B
Yeah.
- [191:06]
A
You know how outside we were talking about, like, do we see the future as, like, things going in a positive way or things going to a negative or in a negative way?
- [191:19]
B
Are you asking me now? Oh, boy. In the short term future, I don't see much positive happening.
- [191:30]
A
Yeah,
- [191:34]
B
long term, probably, but a lot has to change.
- [191:38]
A
A lot has to change. I love the idea of community leaders. Like, you are a community leader because we can't rely on political leaders.
- [191:54]
B
That's stone shit.
- [191:55]
A
Yeah. The truth is, of all truths, is you can't rely on political leaders or business leaders. I think relying on or finding inspiration in community leaders, different community leaders is really helpful. People want something to rely on, like the way they rely on religion, the good parts at least. Because, like, if we're critically talking and critically thinking about religion, every religion has good and bad parts. But I think if you can, the way that our ancestors relied on religion and, you know, tribe leaders, there are community leaders now, like you and many people that are talking about the truth of many different topics, helping people arm them with skills, communication skills, and help shift perspectives on reality, then I think we are looking at a positive future. If more people find inspiration in their community leaders.
- [193:05]
B
Yeah, I hope so. I hope so.
- [193:08]
A
Yeah. I'm trying to be optimistic also, because I'm a sex expert, I have to be optimistic. I'm gonna help more Gen Z's have sex and have pleasurable sex and find each other. Like, I have to find a way. Because it's not. It's not entirely their fault. They grew up in this environment. You know what I mean? Like. Like, you are your environment. Like, they grew up in this environment. So I have to help them, like, open their eyes. The third eye.
- [193:36]
B
Yeah. Good luck with that.
- [193:39]
A
Thanks. But that's why being a college professor, like, is rewarding. Like, because that's my job. I don't just teach the subject. I help them have a better life.
- [193:49]
B
Yeah. Let's talk about this. This new TV show that you're. That you're doing. The celebrity one.
- [193:56]
A
Yes. I just finished filming fourth season of a show in the UK called Celebs Go Dating, where I'm the sex expert on the show and we train celebrities or we coach celebrities and then send them out on dates to help them find love. And then the show that I just finished filming here in America for an American show that's on TLC and HBO is called 90 Day Last Resort. Resort. It's where couples come into a resort. Couples that are working on their relationship or going through a rough patch in their marriage. Or on a brink of a divorce, come into the retreat or the resort and rehab their relationship. So I'm also a sex expert on that show.
- [194:43]
B
Right on.
- [194:44]
A
Yeah.
- [194:45]
B
When's that coming out?
- [194:48]
A
So the 90 day last resort is coming out June 1st, so you can either stream it on Hulu or you can watch the day after on hbo.
- [194:57]
B
Okay.
- [194:58]
A
Yeah. So that one is rehabbing marriages.
- [195:01]
B
Right on.
- [195:02]
A
So I'm working in both, both stages of love. The very beginning, the very beginning and the sort of. Not the end, hopefully.
- [195:13]
B
Do you have a proper no.
- [195:16]
A
Because it's so fun to see people date and like how much people struggle dating. Not fun like hahaha, you know, poor you, you're terrible at dating. But fun as in like people become so vulnerable when they go on dates. You see these successful, like beautiful, confident celebrities when they go on a date. They're just a person trying to date and find love and connect with another human. And some of them were really bad at dating. But it's so endearing. It's like an endearing bad at dating. And it gives you a lot of perspective that like, oh, if I'm not great at dating, like look at these people. They're you know, beautiful, successful, terrible at dating. So that's fun as in like it's haha, it's a good time. The rehabbing a marriage one, it's heavier because these couples have a lot of issues and they, they are intercultural or there are interracial or intercultural couples.
- [196:22]
B
Oh, okay.
- [196:23]
A
So all of them. The premise is one of them is American, the other one is not.
- [196:27]
B
Okay.
- [196:28]
A
Yeah. So there's cultural issues to begin with.
- [196:31]
B
That's very challenging.
- [196:32]
A
Oh, very challenging. Even before personal issues or relational issues, there's cultural issues. Like I bring to the table a whole host of cultural beliefs of what my partner should be like.
- [196:44]
B
Right. So you know, there's, that's tricky to navigate.
- [196:47]
A
Yeah, there's like, right, like Latin American women. Like a Latina and a white American man in the Midwest.
- [196:57]
B
You know, I've had this happen.
- [196:59]
A
Oh, really work out well. You mean you dated a Latina?
- [197:04]
B
Oh yeah.
- [197:06]
A
How did that end?
- [197:08]
B
Not well.
- [197:11]
A
Well, it's, it's a lot of, it's a lot of intercultural and cross cultural communication and understanding each other's like cultural customs. I'm from Thailand and you know, my husband's from Washington. So we're intercultural and interracial. We have a lot of differences but at the same time we're so good at communicating with each other that if Some things happen to me that are like, oh, I don't want you to do that. Because, like, in my culture, like, that's a bad thing. I just communicate it. But I think some people don't have those communication skills. Therefore, they just harbor it, and it becomes such a big problem, and they blow up. So this show is very realistic in terms of. Of what marriages can go through, and I think the viewers will really love watching it because it's real. Like, oh, gosh, these people, like, are fighting on these things. Like, we did too, or like, oh, wow. Like, we're better than them, so we should feel better. Or how they overcome their issues. It's very. It's endearing. Like, they overcome their issues, but it's a long process.
- [198:18]
B
Right on.
- [198:18]
A
I can't wait to see me as a sex expert. I had to, you know, take them through what I just took you through today with sexual profiles, help them figure out are they sexually compatible. If they're not, like, what can they do? I give them homework, like, sex homework for them to do.
- [198:35]
B
What kind of homework?
- [198:38]
A
You have to watch to find out, but it's like, you know, you gotta go back and do xyz. Like, it's things I've never done before, so. And they, like, film it. Not entirely, just part of it.
- [198:50]
B
Okay.
- [198:51]
A
So it's. It's interesting. So you can watch and see how people try these different sexual activities and how. How those activities help those relationships and how it can help you.
- [199:02]
B
Sounds interesting. I can't wait to see it.
- [199:04]
A
Yeah, it's interesting.
- [199:07]
B
All right, last thing. You ready?
- [199:09]
A
Yep.
- [199:09]
B
This is the hot question.
- [199:11]
A
Oh, wow. Can I have a gummy bear first?
- [199:13]
B
You can have a gummy bear first. So are you familiar with Claude? Anthropic. Cool. So we had Claude do a scrape of the Internet to come up with the most viral question.
- [199:28]
A
Is this a rapid round?
- [199:30]
B
No. Just a couple questions here. Dr. Tara, you're a tenured professor of sexual and relational communication. You teach Zen Z, Gen Z about this every day. There's a real crisis happening right now. Young men are not dating, aren't having sex. The loneliness epidemic is real. Marriage rates are at historic lows. From your research and what you're seeing in your classroom, what is actually going wrong between men and women in 2026? And is there a way back?
- [200:04]
A
I'm gonna start with the positive. There is a way back, and it's attitudinal and behavioral change. It will take time, but that is what's going on. A lot of it is from the Internet. A lot of it is from the Internet and social media. There's a lot of fake information and really negatively controversial information on social media. The kind of information that divide people and not unite people, particularly young men and women. If boys and girls can't come to terms with understanding each other and show compassion and empathy for each other, then they can't be together or come together. Pun intended.
- [200:50]
B
Let's see what you did there.
- [200:51]
A
Didn't come together. So I think teaching Gen Z's critical thinking and digital literacy, these are two things that are very, very important because they need to be able to distinguish like real information from fake information and then good information from information that was created to cause trouble. So those two skills I think are extremely important. And then interpersonal communication skill is extremely important. And these are the things we teach in college. I mean, I have a colleague that teaches a class called digital literacy and that class helps kids a lot. Understanding, like fake news, real news, like how to. Like this is AI photo, this is real photo. They teach about how like, you know, all influencers post like edited photos. Like, no, girls don't look like this. Their skin does not look like this. Right. Like, because all of these things affect self esteem and all of that affects everything. So yeah, I think with these skills, hopefully young people can find their way to each other. And of course, you know, the big
- [202:03]
B
P word, porn, there's a followup and that's what it has to do with
- [202:08]
A
the big P word.
- [202:09]
B
Yep. Only Fans is now a multi billion dollar industry. Pornhub gets more traffic than Netflix and Amazon combined, Is a sex positive expert who actually studies this for a living. What is only fans and porn doing to an entire generation right now? And is this going to be looked at? Is this going to be looked back on as one of the most damaging cultural shifts in history?
- [202:38]
A
Oh, that's a big question. The answer is not as simple. The answer is, is it mindful or mindless consumption? If it's mindless consumption, it is extremely damaging and detrimental and it will have a negative impact for a long time. If it's mindful consumption, which, let's talk about what that looks like. If you use porn like, let's see, once a month to find new inspiration, new positions, new acts to try with a partner, or maybe you watch it together. There are studies that show that couples that watch porn together mindfully to inspire them into like arousal or exploration, it's great for the relationship. So mindful consumption is fine. You can watch ethical porn. Have you heard of ethical porn?
- [203:37]
B
No.
- [203:38]
A
So there's mainstream porn, which historically speaking, there's like a gatekeeper, like these producers, directors, they abuse their performers. The performers get paid very minimal. They have to fake it. Sometimes they hate the person that they have to have sex with. A lot of things are fake in this scene. It's made unethically. Ethical porn is a movement. There are companies that are women owned, people that are real, that really care about sex education, that make erotic films that involve real life. That involve what? The enactment of real life interactions. Right. Some awkwardness, some laughs. You know, two people that have good chemistry, really enjoy having sex with each other. They all get paid fairly, they all get treated respectfully on set. And there's transparency of how they're made. There's a discussion before and after, how they take care of themselves. They talk about how they get tested, all of those things. So that's ethical porn. So let's say you consume that once every two weeks to find arousal or inspiration to try new things, or you consume it with your partner as a new thing to spice it up. But I don't see there's any problem with that. I think it's just a tool, it's how you use it. So that's mindful consumption. Mindless consumption is what most people are doing right now is they go on every single day or every single time they masturbate. They click and click and click and click and they stay on it forever and get these dopamine hits every time they click to see a new woman on the screen. And these dopamine hits, they're so addictive, just like social media. That's why people love scrolling, because it's new thing, new thing, new thing, new thing. Dopamine, Dopamine, Dopamine, dopamine. I feel great rewarded all the time. Porn is the same. So new video, new video, new girl, new girl doing crazy things sexually. Wow. Then you become so addicted to it, you become reliant on it. You cannot live a sexually fulfilling life without it. That's mindless consumption and that's a problem and that's detrimental. So there is a difference.
- [206:02]
B
Makes a lot of sense for people
- [206:03]
A
who use the tool.
- [206:04]
B
Makes a lot of sense.
- [206:05]
A
Yeah. I would say like if my husband and I want to like pop on porn on our big screen TV sometimes to spice it up, to like add that atmosphere, it does nothing to my sexual self esteem or how much I initiate sex with my partner or how much he enjoys sex with me. Doesn't affect us at all. But yeah, I would say, realistically, most people are mindlessly consuming, and that's the problem.
- [206:31]
B
Okay.
- [206:32]
A
Yeah.
- [206:32]
B
Thank you.
- [206:33]
A
Yeah.
- [206:34]
B
Well, Doc, I appreciate you coming.
- [206:37]
A
Thank you.
- [206:38]
B
And I hope to see you again.
- [206:40]
A
Was that an orgasmic time?
- [206:42]
B
It was an orgasmic time. Thank you so much.
- [206:45]
A
Thank you, John.
- [206:46]
B
Oh, my pleasure. Best of luck to you.
- [206:49]
A
Thank you.
- [207:03]
B
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