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- [00:01]
A
The following podcast is a Dear Media Production. Thank you for tuning in to this week's episode of she's so Lucky. My name is Les, I am the host of this show and I'm coming at you with another solo episode today. So this podcast is all about the different ways that we create our own luck. So sometimes I interview women who I feel have created their own luck. Sometimes I interview really cool people who share their tips and tricks so that we can be more lucky. Sometimes I'm here solo sharing tips and tricks for being more lucky. Today is going to be one of those days where I'm sharing solo a little bit of tips, a little bit of my own experiences related to luck. And today I want to talk about why you need to stop being being your own biggest hater. Because I think that this is the number one thing that trips a lot of us up. A lot of people talk about having haters and something that I have never really resonated with is genuinely having haters. Or maybe I'm also just blissfully unaware. But I've never really felt like I've had a lot of ops or people who are out to get me or who preying on my downfall. And if they have, I didn't notice and wasn't aware. But something that has been consistent, that I know I have noticed from the time that I have been very young is that if I have ever had an op, it was usually myself. And as I have shared on this show earlier this year I was just really sad girl. Like my mental health was just not in the the best place. Thankfully now I am feeling a lot better. But the first chunk of this year I was really struggling mental health wise and I realized that a lot of the ways that I was talking to myself were not helping. That in so many ways I was literally being my own biggest hater. And the brain space that you're in will often be reflected back to you depending on what is in your algorithm. And so you know, if you start seeing, you start seeing one too many TikTok Tarot card readers sister. We need to go to the journal, we need to call the lady, we need to go sit on the couch, talk to the therapist. Because that's probably means that we're in a season where we're not feeling our best. And so I was definitely in one of those seasons earlier this year. And then as I started to kind of turn a corner, my algorithm was then showing me a lot more kind of mindset and self help content, some of which was a little bit out there, and some of which was actually really on point. So I ended up getting served this video earlier this summer on TikTok that said something along the lines of, how are you going to be the loser in your own story and stop making yourself the loser in your own story? And I said, oh, guilty. I have absolutely had moments where I kind of made myself the loser in my own story. And I know that I'm not alone in that. I actually think it is something that a lot of us do, and I think we should stop. And that is what today's episode is all about. It's about not being the loser in our own story. Now, a lot of content around things like mindset and manifestation can be a little bit out there for me. I prefer to have an approach to all of it that is a little bit more practical. I wouldn't say that I'm as deep in the woo where I have felt like, you know, there's multiple realities happening all at once and your mindset controls every aspect of your reality. And all of that more quantum stuff. I don't know if that fully resonates with me. But what I do know is that my perspective, starting with how I talk to myself, absolutely shapes how I face the world, how I carry myself. And that has such a big impact on how I am treated and the results that I get. And I think that that perspective is true for all of us. It doesn't mean that that is the only factor, but it means that if so many things outside of you are already hard, don't make what's inside of you hard as well. And that often goes with what's up here. And I sometimes think what our brains do when they try to keep us safe or they try to protect us from harm, or they try to protect us from hurt, often leads to us being our own biggest haters, which leads to us hurting our own feelings when we don't actually need to do that. And so I was thinking more about why is it that we are often our own biggest haters? What is it? Why do we tend to tear ourselves down so much? Why do we tend to do so much more damage to ourselves than other people could ever do to us? And I got to thinking about a lot of the messaging that I think a lot of us receive from a young age. Even thinking about myself as a millennial growing up in the 90s, I feel like there was a lot of messaging around kind of underdog stories or, you know, having someone be kind of the quirky, underestimated Person who then somehow gets a makeover and takes off her glasses and becomes the prom queen or whatever, you know what I mean? Like 90s teen movies loved some sort of makeover sequence where it felt like this person who was some sort of underdog was so self deprecating until they finally found somebody who was willing to give them a makeover and take their glasses off and then they were able to be a winner. And while that is really cute for four 90s teen movies, that was really cute and clueless. It was really cute in she's all that and in Mean Girls and all of those things. Real life doesn't work that way. Okay? As much as there was a time when I wished I lived in a 90s teen movie in the year of our Lord 2025, nobody is coming to save us and take our glasses off and give us a makeover and see that value that we don't see in ourselves. We have to see it first, but we have to project it and then the world around us will get into line. Okay, this is not, you know, a Taylor Swift song. No offense to the Swifties. Although I don't think I probably don't have a lot of Swifties in my audience. I also don't know that many Taylor Swift songs. But I think about that one Taylor Swift song that I do know her old one where it was like she's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers, all that stuff. We've been fed so much messaging where it felt cool to talk down about ourselves and for those people who didn't talk down about themselves, they were seen as this like otherworldly being and it was like cool to be this self deprecating human. And I'm here to say bump that. Okay? As lucky girls, we're not doing that anymore. I know I have retired from these self deprecating Olympics. I have retired from being the loser in my own story. And I want you to retire from being the loser in your own story too. There doesn't even have to be a loser really. Nobody has to lose, but it certainly shouldn't be you, especially in your own mind. Okay? So we're going to set that aside right now and we are going to from here on out stop being our own biggest haters. So that whatever it is that you want, whether it is a job, whether it is a relationship, whether it is a home, whether it is just a peace of mind, you're going to stop being your own biggest obstacles to getting it. Starting today. So let's Talk about how we're going to do that. So we're going to take a quick pause from today's episode for a very special segment in partnership with Dove and cvs. I have been working with Dove for years, particularly around the Dove self esteem project. And so we're going to jump in with some segments of an amazing conversation around the importance of real unfiltered beauty brought to you by Dove and cvs. And then we'll be back to the episode. Caroline, thank you for joining me.
- [08:39]
B
Thank you for having me. I'm honored to be here.
- [08:41]
A
We have a really important conversation to have today in partnership with Dove with cvs, talking about the importance of body image, real beauty being unfiltered. So I recently learned that in 2024, Dove did a study where found that 63% of girls and 55% of boys felt like they lacked confidence among their peers because of how they looked.
- [09:03]
B
That is so upsetting.
- [09:05]
A
Yeah.
- [09:06]
B
Honestly, that's. That's a really high number, right?
- [09:08]
A
Yes.
- [09:09]
B
Thank God they're doing these studies so we actually understand what that actually looks like. And when you hear that staggering number, that alone should wake you up. Yeah, it's crazy.
- [09:19]
A
And I'm sure that so many of these kids are incredible and have so many great qualities and things that they can feel confident about and feel amazing about, but this emphasis on having to look a certain way to fit a certain mold is just.
- [09:32]
B
It's debilitating, especially as, you know, social media is booming and AI is getting bigger and bolder. I think it's a really important conversation.
- [09:40]
A
You know, when I think about a lot of the images that we see on social media, even the idea of something like a filter, and how much it's changed. The early days of filters were, like, fun and cartoony, but now they've become so real, and it's hard to detect when one is being used, when one is, isn't. It can really distort our ideas of what we think we look like, what we think other people should look like. Have you felt that way looking at images on social media?
- [10:03]
B
Growing up? We had the magazines, right, and we had to go out of our way.
- [10:07]
A
To go buy those.
- [10:08]
B
I don't think it was as accessible that it wasn't in your face 24 hours a day, as dominating as it is now that we have something that is in your hand 24, seven staring at you. And I think that's what's so dangerous about it. You're seeing what other people are doing every single day, every minute. Of the day. So you're feeling more left out. So I definitely see it in the sense that when I started out, yeah, the filters were comical, they were over the top and you knew they were fake. As the filters have become, you know, model like and changing your features where it looks very real and very distorted, I started to really look at it and I'm even watching it, I'm even tricked by it. I even feel uncomfortable sometimes. I was even questioning and I'm an adult, I'm a 53 year old woman, you know, grown women, very comfortable in my own skin. It's taken a lot of time, a lot of work to get here and I can't imagine or fathom what a 13, 14, 15 year old girl would be looking at what we are now perceiving as perfection. And for me it was so important early on when I started getting DMs and started getting messages of moms very concerned that their daughters are consuming 24 hours a day, really unattainable, you know, looks, lifestyles that just aren't real. And what does that do to your mental health? I personally think it makes you insecure. I think it makes you doubt yourself. I think it can make you make really bad decisions, unfortunately, because I know that when I don't feel my best and I'm not feeling secure and I'm not feeling good in my own skin, I sometimes will allow others to make decisions for me that necessarily aren't good. So take that to middle school or high school situation. What are you getting yourself into because you're following along or you're trying to fit in. And I just thought it was so important to start really speaking out about do you really like them or do you know, is it really about them liking you or do you really like them and do you really want to sit at this table with these people? And I think really starting to talk more and more about feeling good in your own skin, really looking like yourself. And I think what's important about social media and especially influencers and content creators is removing those filters. At the end of the day, what is the damage that you're really doing to that younger generation? You know, we're saying that we're ashamed of aging, we're ashamed of looking at ourselves. So what message is that sending to younger people if we're ashamed to look at ourselves without a filter, what's a 14 or 15 year old supposed to do if we're uncomfortable and we're insecure to show ourselves, Imagine what these kids.
- [12:36]
A
Are feeling 100% right. I mean, even seeing some of the conversations that really young people are having about aging or even the consumption of products that young people are doing where there's teenagers who are wanting to get things like injectables and who are doing all of these drastic routines that they don't need because they're so afraid of aging.
- [12:58]
B
I want us to be excited about aging. And I think this conversation about not being anti aging, but being about pro aging, that's something we talk about. And this quote that I heard that I told you everyone gets the privilege to be young, not everyone gets the.
- [13:13]
A
Privilege to be old.
- [13:14]
B
And I do find it a real privilege to wake up every day and to be able to walk around in my skin. And rather than constantly agonizing about the dimples or about the wrinkles, I, like, now focus on what I can do, like, what my body can do for me. And we're constantly talking about our weight and, like, I don't look good and my gray hairs. Like they're hearing all of that.
- [13:36]
A
Yeah.
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B
And internalizing and internalizing it. And we're making it not normal when it's perfectly normal. And it should be what we're celebrating.
- [13:43]
A
The back to school time can be a lot for families with kids who are going back to school. That's when a lot of body image issues can come back up or even things where maybe social anxieties can come back up. What are some good conversations that you think parents should be having with their kids as they get ready to head back to school?
- [13:59]
B
I have two boys starting high school today, so a huge conversation I really have been having with them is feeling good in your own skin. I just feel like if you set yourself up for success every single day, every single morning. And that's why I say get up and get dressed. It's not about what you're wearing. It's just about that effort that you make that signals your brain that you're taking care of yourself, that you're important, that you matter. Give the kids those tools so that they walk out that door feeling like their best selves secure in their own skin, secure in. Like they've gotten dressed. They feel good in what they're wearing. It's something so simple. But it is those simple tasks, done consistently, persistently, every single day, that sets up that routine. Routine makes you feel good. Routine makes you feel secure. Makes you feel like you know what's going on and that you're in control and that you have power. We cannot control what other kids are gonna do what other kids are gonna say, how other people are gonna make you feel. But what you can control is those actions you take every single day to ensure that you're at least setting yourself up for success and feeling your best self. You need tools so that you know how to manage what you're feeling. Can't manage anyone else, but you can manage yourself. You can manage how you react. You do get to control how you feel, which is an incredible privilege that we don't use enough.
- [15:14]
A
That's great advice for adults and kids alike. And I know I've spent a lot of my adult life learning how to be in routines and getting on top of my self care routines. And when kids learn how to do that when they're in middle school, high school, what an amazing advantage privilege like.
- [15:28]
B
To be able to like know about whether it's meditation, brown noise, white noise, or just having that moment of self care and it's just taking care of yourself.
- [15:35]
A
I think it's also really important to remember those offline elements too because even I'm grown 35 year old woman and I will sometimes still see images on social media of other people and how they look in the filters and the this and the that and feel a certain way. And then I go outside and I look at the world around me and I'm like, people look so many different ways. Beauty comes in so many different ways. It's not just this one thing that may be perpetuated on social media. And also remembering to look around at the offline world is important.
- [16:04]
B
It really is true. And it's like also when you look around you're like every, everyone is so beautiful. No one is like if you, at the end of the day, it's like people remember how you made them feel.
- [16:11]
A
I think that there is also so much marketing out there that really profits off of the insecurities, particularly of women and girls to make people feel like they need to appear a certain way. And something that I have really appreciated about Dove, I mean for years now through the self esteem project with cbs is they really do the opposite. The leading self esteem educators who are really focused, focused on reversing those statistics that we talked about helping young people have higher self esteem. And I think that's why I've always.
- [16:39]
B
Loved and respected Dove because they've always been a pioneer in this, really trying to show and celebrate real beauty and what real aging looks like and women of all ages, all stages of life.
- [16:51]
A
So let's say that there's a young person, probably a young Girl who's starting school and she's wanting to build her confidence. Maybe she wants to put a little love note to herself on her mirror or a little affirmation to herself on her mirror. What do you recommend she say?
- [17:03]
B
I'm always saying to myself, choose happy. That is something that, like I write on stick it notes so that no matter what's going on, no matter what is thrown at me, just choose the positive reaction. I think always, yes, you can. It's so easy for us to go into a negative headspace, even as a child, to be scared, to be nervous, to feel anxious, and that brings on fear. It's like that fear based of anxiety. So I think reminding yourself that you got this, there is something so powerful in those words, we don't say it to ourselves enough. And there is power in telling yourself, not having somebody else tell you you got it. You telling you you got it. That's when you know you do. You know what I mean? And I think we have to be reminded each and every day that, yes, you can, you are worthy. You got this. You are smart, you're capable, you're strong, you're beautiful. You can do hard things. That constant thought of, okay, maybe it didn't work this day, but it can work tomorrow. And we just don't give up on ourselves. And I think that's so important for kids because we all have bad days. We all have hard days, hard weeks, hard years sometimes. But that doesn'. We give up on ourselves and we can still find our happy in the heart.
- [18:07]
A
Exactly. We keep going. We keep going.
- [18:08]
B
We still. We get up and get dressed and we just keep. You find your happy. I do believe you can find your happy in the hard. I think waking up every single day is the special occasion. I really do look at life as a special occasion. I think I'm a special occasion. That's why I get dressed for it every day. And I'm like, what about if we just do a little bit of that every single day so that you feel that special every single day, like, make your own magic.
- [18:29]
A
Yes. So, so good. Caroline, thank you so much.
- [18:32]
B
It was an honor to be here and just to be able to have this conversation. And I'm just so happy that Dove and CVS is leading the way and showing what real beauty is. And I hope that we keep, you know, using our voices for that, too. I do think that there is a world that young girls and young boys can feel really good in their own skin. So all the listeners out there, if they're looking to support this incredible movement. And I know a journey that we feel so strongly about. You know, please shop at cvs. Shop Dove. They're doing amazing work.
- [19:06]
A
I think the number one way that we stop being our own biggest haters is to understand those little seemingly harmless ways that we are our own biggest ops. And I think that the number one way that we do this is with perfectionism. The P word. Perfectionism. I think perfectionism is often an act of self hatred. Fight me if you disagree. It's okay to disagree, but I think it is because I think that perfectionism is a form of self sabotage. What perfectionism does is it prevents us from taking action. And not every action that we take has to be some big business oriented thing. It can prevent us from doing the little things. It can prevent us from opening our journals to write if we feel like we don't know exactly what to write or if we're journaling in the right way. It can prevent us from moving our bodies if we feel like we don't have the perfect workout set and we don't know the perfect amount of weight to lift. It can prevent us from starting that creative project because we feel like we're not able to execute the idea perfectly.
- [20:22]
B
Or.
- [20:23]
A
Or from a bigger example, it can prevent us from starting the business if we feel like we don't have all of our ducks in a row to do something perfectly. Nothing is going to hold you back more. And nothing is the manifestation of your own being your own biggest hater more than being a perfectionist and waiting to have something perfect to get started. When we think about those people that are really lucky, they are often lucky because they take messy action. Sometimes whatever it is that you are trying to get is on the other side of doing something imperfectly. It is of maybe going to the gym and walking around for a little bit and feeling a little bit awkward and doing things that maybe feel a little awkward, not painful because we're not injuring ourselves, but maybe doing things that feel a little bit awkward until they become comfortable. Maybe it is fumbling through those journal prompts and feeling so silly, repeating those affirmations to yourself until you get comfortable doing it. Maybe it is opening up your camera and talking to it and feeling super awkward about doing it until you get comfortable with it. It is really about taking the action. Because when you take imperfect action, you open the door to so much more luck reaching you. But it is so hard to take that action if you are focused on perfection. And the gag is it's never going to be perfect, whatever it is that you want to do, you're never going to be able to execute it perfectly. And the people who are able to actually get what they want and to not have those obstacles in the way are the ones who are able to just take some sort of action and to fix it. And as they go, they're the ones who try. They are the ones who are willing to get a little bit messy with it because they know that being better is what's on the other side. They're not worried about perfection. That's why that phrase perfect is the enemy of good is so prevalent here. Something that I hear from a lot from people over the years is them wanting to talk about podcast and podcasting. And I think I've shared my podcast origin story on this show several times, but I'll just give a small refresher of When I first started this show in 2018, I took it from Idea to launch in 10 days. The original conception of Balance Black Girl happened immediately. I was sitting at my job as a social media manager. I got the idea to start the show, literally came to me, start a podcast, name it Balance Black Girl. Even though it's not the name of the show anymore, it still is, you know, the same concept. I immediately started building the website. I, that moment went on Amazon and ordered whatever microphone I could afford. I didn't really spend a lot of time researching it. I didn't spend a lot of time worrying if I had the perfect tech. I looked at my bank account, I looked at my credit card statement. I said, okay, I can spend $50. I have $50 to spend on a mic. Then I'm gonna get the $50 mic that has the best reviews. I spent maybe 20 minutes combing through, looking for what to get, and then I moved on to the next thing to fully execute. And the number of people who I have talked to over the past seven years that I've been doing this, who want to start a show and who want to do similar things that I'm doing, say that they've had ideas for years, but they're stuck on. Well, I don't know what tech to use. Well, I don't know the right mic to get. Well, should I go to a studio? Well, should I? What software should I use? Well, what should I. Bro, you gotta just take some action. You gotta just whatever is accessible to you that you can do in that moment. You gotta jump in and do it and then fix it later. That was what I did when I first started this podcast. I had a really not so great little snowball Yeti microphone, which is kind of a terrible microphone to use. I was recording on GarageBand. I was editing myself in GarageBand and then using Zoom when I would conduct interviews. And then over time, it slowly got better. Until now. It is, you know, I record in a studio. It is professionally done, it is professionally edited. But I wasn't trying to make it that on day one. I was just trying to make it exist so that it could get better. So not everybody has aspirations to be a podcaster. I just share that as an example of don't wait for something to be perfect to do it and to try it. Because if you're waiting for something to be perfect, you are going to be waiting forever. And the main way that you are probably being your own biggest op is by being a perfectionist and waiting for yourself to execute everything perfectly before you take any kind of action. Because what that means is that you're never going to take any action and you're going to be stuck exactly where you are. And there's nothing wrong with being where you are. I don't know. I don't know where you are. You could actually be in a great place. You know what I mean? Not everybody needs to be moving around all the time. But if you are unhappy with where you are and you know that there are things that you want to do, yet your perfectionism is holding you back from taking action to make changes, that's when it's a problem. So let go of the perfectionism. It's okay if something is bad. Listen. Go listen to episode one of Balance Black Girls. It sounds terrible. The sound quality is bad. I don't even know what I'm talking about. It's really awkward for the first, like 50 episodes and then started to get better, but it was never going to get better. If I would have waited for it to be perfect, or if I would have waited until I could afford a studio, or if I would have waited until I could afford XYZ to get started. Starting is why I was eventually able to get to that place where I have that kind of support. So whatever it is that your perfectionism is holding you back from, what can you do to take one small, messy step towards it? Honestly, the messier the better. Mess it up. Make it bad. Because you become so much more confident when you start off being really bad at something or you fumble a little bit and then you're able to make it better over time. The confidence that comes from that is so powerful. So if you want to stop being your own biggest hater, you have got to release the perfectionism. Your perfectionism is not serving you. And that doesn't mean don't do things of quality. That doesn't mean don't do things to the best of your ability. But it's very rare that even the best of our ability is going to lead to perfection. So let that go. Now. The number two way that you are potentially being your own biggest hater could be with your sense of humor. It could be the self deprecating little comments and little jokes that we all like to make. And this one is a hard one for me as a former perfectionist, I do think that I have really let that go in so many ways. Even the story that I just told about starting this podcast, I really think that experience kind of healed me from my perfectionism because I used to be such a perfectionist. Before that. I still struggle a little bit with the self deprecating jokes. And I'm not gonna lie, because sometimes we can think of things that are a little bit self deprecating but are funny because nobody knows you better than you. And you know, we all have the ability because we know ourselves so well, to kind of drag ourselves better than anyone else could potentially drag us, right? And sometimes it is a little bit funny, but at what cost? You know what I mean? Just because we can drag ourselves better than other people can drag us does not mean that we need to be dragged at all. And oftentimes the little comments and the little snarky remarks that we make about ourselves, we would be ready to clean someone's clock if they ever, ever said anything like that about us. If another person said it right, you'd be ready to squabble up. But when you say it about yourself, all of a sudden it's hahahihe and it's not funny. Even if we are doing it as a defense mechanism, even if we are doing it as a little bit of a joke, sometimes there is truth to it in the sense that we are trying to make light of our insecurities instead of just fully owning them. You know, I don't necessarily think that self deprecating jokes or that talking down to ourselves or that talking badly about ourselves is owning it. I think it is reinforcing the idea that there is something wrong maybe with those qualities that we have or those insecurities that we have versus just saying, hey, this is a part of being human. These are, these are some of the qualities that I have and they are what they are. That is a very different thing than tearing yourself down and calling it a joke. And I still struggle with this a lot because I sometimes still tell some self deprecating jokes or we'll make little self deprecating track cracks. And it can be so tempting to do when you just want people to like you, you want to lighten a mood, you don't want to shine too bright. Maybe you want to make other people feel comfortable or maybe you're worried that other people are going to judge you so you feel like you need to beat them to the punch. Whatever it is, it is doing more harm than good. And I promise you, there are other ways to be funny. There's other ways to crack a jokey joke. There's other ways to get a little cackle than making yourself the butt of the joke. Because why does anybody need to be the butt of the joke? Right? Why do we need to punch down at all? Whether that's to ourselves or to anyone else. And I think if somebody only needs to punch down to try to be funny, they're probably not that funny. So we can find other ways to be humorous. And then lastly, the third way that I think a lot of us are our own biggest haters, and this is closely related to the self deprecating humor, but I just really want to zero in on it is by dimming our light. And this is also something that I know I'm working on and still struggling with. I think this is something that is prevalent particularly for a lot of women. We get so concerned about what other people think of us. We are so concerned about being seen as these humble, graceful beings that we don't always own our wins, we don't always own our light, we don't always own the really wonderful qualities that we have going for ourselves or the really wonderful accomplishments that we have going for us without wanting to downplay it or without wanting to minimize it because we don't want to make other people feel uncomfortable. Right. We don't want to make other people feel uncomfortable because we got an opportunity or we don't want to make other people feel uncomfortable because we were able to overcome something. But I do think that there is a big difference between communicating something in poor taste. Right. Versus just flat out dimming your light. There is a time and place for everything. Sure. If you are speaking with someone who is struggling with the very thing that you just had a win about, it's probably not in poor taste or it's probably not in the best taste. It would be considered in poor taste to, in that moment, just go on and on about a win that you had if you know that this person that you're talking to is struggling with that very thing. Right? We can read a room, but we can also still own our stuff. So that doesn't mean don't ever talk about it, but it means maybe that's not the room to talk about it in, or maybe that's not the person to talk about it with. But that doesn't mean that you can't still walk around with the confidence of whatever it is that you have done. I also think that when it comes to dimming our light, we can do a lot of hiding and we can do a lot of humbling and we can do a lot of downplaying of the positive qualities that we have. When you are talking to people who are really confident, they're often not apologetic about being who they are. And they're not apologetic about either the good qualities they have or what it is that they have overcome or what it is that they have been able to acquire or achieve. They're not really apologetic about that. But if you feel the need to kind of walk on eggshells and hide the good things about you, that's absolutely a form of dimming your light. That could definitely be holding you back. And I know it's something that I have definitely struggled with in a lot of ways because I often felt like, well, if I am too out there, either about my accomplishments or if I am being too loud or if I'm being too visible, then I get worried that there is this perception that I'm only in those positions because of a certain amount of privilege. And I don't deny the privileges that I have had in my life, even being, you know, like a relatively healthy, able bodied, smaller bodied person, kind of, you know, cisgender, hetero woman. Like that in and of itself has its own privileges. But in so many ways I would be so scared to talk about my accomplishments or to talk about the good things that would happen in my life because I would be so afraid that people would say, oh, well, you only got it because of xyz or you know, you didn't, you didn't earn that. You were given that. And I also at times have heard misconceptions about me and, you know, my background where I think there is an assumption that I maybe come from a background of more privilege than I genuinely do. And that is also just a perception that I've gotten since I was very young. I remember being in High school and talking to this girl who I went to school with on aim, and she made some comment about me being rich or, like, my family having money. And I said, sis, where did you get the information? Because the information is correct. Incorrect, Incorrect. I do not come from a, you know, wealthy background and have been financially kind of independent on my own from a very young age. But there was this perception of me that I had come from this, like, wealthy background that wasn't true. I remember hearing it as a teenager. I have now heard it as an adult. Or there is sometimes this perception that if you are in the content space and you are able to do it full time, that it is because you often have someone else who is maybe sponsoring your lifestyle or is making that happen for you. And so in a lot of ways, I felt like I needed to kind of hide my wins because if I shared too many, there would be this perception that people thought that it was because of something, you know, external in the sense that someone was sponsoring me or someone, you know, else was behind the scenes making the things happen. And so I thought, okay, well, if I just don't have that many wins, or if I just keep them to myself or if I just play really small, then people won't say those things about me. And now I'm at a point, and maybe this is also just getting older and being in my mid-30s now, where I'm like, I actually really don't care. I don't really care what people's perception is of where I'm at in life or where I've come from, because I know where I come from. I know what I have overcome to get to this point, and bits and pieces of it I've talked about a little bit on the podcast. I don't know if I've ever fully sat down and just fully hashed out my whole life story with my family and my background and where I come from and different obstacles and challenges, partially because that's not fully my story to tell. And so I'm very cognizant of the stories that I tell that involve other people. And because a lot of those things would involve, like, stories of my loved ones, I don't fully feel comfortable just, you know, publicizing all of that. So while I know that I haven't fully ever laid that out, I know where I come from. I know what I have overcome to get to this point. And I had to be like, why am I pretending like I haven't overcome some really hard things? And in a lot of ways, earned a lot of what I have. Why am I pretending like I haven't? Why am I dumbing this down and. And potentially blocking other blessings that I could have based off of the false stories that people that I don't even know and honestly don't really care about have about me. And I know that I'm not the only person who does that. I know that a lot of us do, that we have this perception that everything that we do needs to be in silence and that we, you know, need to be in our little cocoon if we're on any sort of growth journey or healing journey or we are always so worried about the evil eye. But what we're doing is we're giving other people's feelings and honestly, wrong perceptions about us so much power, and they don't deserve that much power. We're fully dimming our lights instead of showing up as the fullest embodiment of ourselves over narratives that are false, over power that we're giving people that they probably don't have and don't deserve. And so when we don't show up with confidence over the things that we have done to get to where we are, we don't tell our stories boldly. When we don't proudly own the things that we have overcome to get to where we are, we're doing ourselves such a disservice. And when we're able to fully embody that and own that, and there is so much confidence and light and inspiration that can come from that. So I say all of that to say, not only does dimming your light make the space around you darker for both yourself and other people, but you're also missing out on prime opportunities to feel really confident about who you are and where you come from and how you've gotten to where you are. I have shared this on the podcast and on social media many times. Confidence does not come from having a feeling and then doing the action. We do the action and then we get the feeling. And I bet that there is so much in your story that you have probably overcome and worked through to get to where you are that you should feel so confident about and that you should own and feel so proud of. And when you're not fully tapping into that, you're only hurting yourself mostly by not tapping into that confidence that you have earned in so many ways. And when you kind of cut off that spout of confidence that you could be drinking from, you are truly doing yourself the biggest disservice. This episode is sponsored by Cotton now more than ever. I have been prioritizing wearing items made from natural fibers as much as possible. And cotton is that fabric that I come back to again and again because it feels good, it wears well and is so versatile. Especially now that the weather's warming up, I reach for cotton more than ever. Light breathable tops, flowy cotton dresses, the softest sleepwear. I love knowing that what I'm putting on my body is gentle and not trapping heat or irritation and that it won't bother my skin. It really does make a difference when you're wearing something all day and you want to feel comfortable and put together. Whether I'm wearing denim or a simple tee, cotton based fabrics are a staple in most of my outfits. And as someone who is on the go a lot, I appreciate that. Cotton is also super durable. It doesn't fall apart in the wash, it keeps its shape and it's just not the kind of fabric that you have to fuss over. It's really easy to take care of and that matters to me because I want my clothes and my linens to work with my lifestyle and not be another thing that I have to worry about. Cotton is the fabric of our lives. So next time you're shopping for clothes, bedding or home goods, check the tag and choose cotton. You can learn more at thefabricofarlives.com again learn more@thefabricofarlives.com to learn more about cotton. To quickly recap of the top three ways that many of us are often our own biggest haters. 1. Perfectionism. Cut it out, it's not helping you. 2. Being self deprecating. Particularly those self deprecating jokes that aren't even that funny. And three Dimming your light out of fear of what other people think. These are the three things we're gonna stop doing. We're just we're not doing those anymore. And if we do find ourselves doing them because we're human, we will all have our moments. We're going to then replace it with a new thought. I also shared in a TikTok video that I recently stitched about somebody talking about the idea that I started the episode with about not being a loser in your own story. I have started catching myself mid thought when I'm having one of those moments where I'm either hung up on perfectionism, being self deprecating, having dimming my light, or just generally being a hater towards myself or being mean towards myself. I will stop myself mid thought and I will literally say and sometimes I'll even Say this out loud, walking around my apartment. I don't like that thought. We don't talk like that here and I don't want to see that again or we don't think like that. So let's pick a new thought and then I will say something that is affirming to kind of counteract it. So. So if you find yourself slipping into those patterns of dimming your light, you know, not being confident, of being self deprecating, you can literally interrupt that mid thought and say, we don't talk like that here. I don't like that thought. I don't want to hear it again. Like, talk to your brain. Your brain will hear you and it will start to reprogram your thoughts if you make it clear that those types of things are not protecting you and are not acceptable to you. So we're going to interrupt those thoughts while we have them. Now, I've talked about why it's so common that many of us are our own biggest haters. Some of the sneaky ways that we can be our own biggest hater. Now I want to talk about ways that you can become your own biggest fan. Okay? We can't control how other people feel about us, nor should we want to because everybody's got a lot going on. You know what I mean? Our minds are spooky enough places. I don't want to be in other people's heads. But if I have no other fans, I at least want to be a fan of myself. I think that we should all be our own biggest fans so that we have nothing else. At least we know that we are on our own sides. And so these are a few practices that I have been implementing that has really helped me stop being my own biggest hater. And that is helping me become my own biggest fan. And the number one practice is a weekly wins practice. So every week on my calendar, I have time set aside for weekly wins. I like doing this on Friday mornings to end the week. It's kind of my weekly reflection where I will write down what my wins were that week. And it could be anything from as big as a work win. And it could be something as small as I went to bed on time every day this week, or I cut my screen time down, or I spoke up for myself when this thing really bothered me, or I corrected something that I didn't like. I mean, it could be as big or as small as you want. But I challenge myself to write down one win each week. So usually each week in my journal, I'll write down what that win is. I will write down why that win was important to me and what I learned from it. And if I were to go back and if I were to look at my weekly win log again, it would run the gamut. It could be everything from work to personal to anything in between. But when I go back and when I look at those things, it helps me be really proud of myself for those little wins. We did have that moment on the podcast several episodes back when I was talking to Candice Marie about that feeling when you accomplish something and instead of feeling proud of yourself, you just feel relief. That clip ended up going viral and got a lot of really interesting responses. I also had a lot of people in the comments diagnosing me with adhd, which was interesting. I do not have adhd, although I per those comments have heard that that is a very common thing when people either have ADHD or some type of neurodivergence. From my perspective, that was more so coming from a place of burnout. And an example of how I was feeling that way was after my live shows earlier this year. When my live shows were done, I really didn't feel any sense of accomplishment. I felt so overwhelmed going into those shows and all the work around those shows that by the end of it I was just so glad that they were done. And so that was the example that was top of mind for me when I had said that on the podcast and that was the extra context behind that clip that wasn't in the full clip. And so for me it was more so coming from a place of burnout like I had earlier this year and like I've talked about on the podcast. And so after that experience, after being really burned out after the live shows when I just felt relieved but I wasn't proud of myself for having, you know, two sold out shows in major cities and how great of an accomplishment that was. That was when I started implementing the weekly wins practice. So it was back in April earlier this year I started writing down my weekly wins and sometimes it is something as small as like I folded and I put away my laundry right when it was done. You know what I mean? Sometimes it is the just a little bit more that gets added to my weekly wins and then sometimes it's something that is a little bit bigger but it is just a good cue and a good reminder to celebrate and that has really helped me stop being my own biggest hater. And in those moments where I do have those little self hater moments that I can go back and review the weekly wins log to remind myself of the wins that I've had, big or small. So if you are somebody who related to that clip about, you know, not feeling any sense of accomplishment, just feeling a sense of relief when things are done, or if you're somebody who is looking to become your own biggest fan because you are not already, I highly recommend a weekly wins practice. It doesn't have to be anything crazy. It is just one thing that you have done that you want to celebrate. Maybe it's not weekly, maybe it's monthly, maybe it's, you know, just whenever you feel like you need to do it. But reflecting on your wins is super important. So it's a practice that I highly recommend for anyone who wants to stop being a self hater. Now, the other thing that can be really helpful if you want to become your own biggest fan, this is what I call a lucky log. So this is a little bit different from the weekly wins log because the weekly wins were more so like, this is a thing that I did and I want to celebrate the thing that I did. The lucky log. I have it as a notes app in my phone and I just write down anytime something good happens in my life, and it is often something that is not earned. It's just like a nice moment where something is lucky. Like, I had a flight a few weeks ago where I got upgraded to first class. And so I added that to my lucky log because that was just like a really cool thing. I didn't earn, I didn't do anything. But it was just like a really nice lucky moment. Or this past weekend, I went out with a friend of mine and while we were sitting at this bar just like hanging out and having drinks, the waitress came over to us and she was like, hey, girls, we accidentally made too many mocktails. So here, we'll just give y' all these free mocktails. Because me and my friend had been at that bar, you know, and we'd ordered mocktails previously. We finished the mocktails we already had and then the bartender just came over and just gave us fresh, you know, new mocktails for free that we didn't even have to ask for. And so I wrote that in the lucky log of like, oh, free mocktails, whatever it is, anytime that we can just have proof of good things happening. This is also something really helpful in those moments when we're feeling down, when we're feeling down on ourselves as just reminders that good things happen in our life, even if good things don't happen every single second of every Single day. It is proof that good things happen, that we deserve good things, and that good things are coming again. So I call this a lucky log. It's literally just bullet points in a notes app that I have where I will just write down what happened. Got a free mocktail, upgraded to first class. You know what I mean? Got a seat on the subway. Whatever it is, any little good moment, no moment is too little to go into the lucky log. Any moment that felt really lucky just helps me feel better about reinforcing this idea that good things happen, that we can deserve good things, and that we are a magnet for good things. So if you do not already have a lucky log, I highly recommend starting one because it's going to help you just alchemize and attract good things, which is key for being your own biggest fan. And then lastly, the third way that I recommend you become your own biggest fan is by keeping your commitments to yourself. Nothing says I love myself more than doing what you say you're going to do. And often this comes in the form of our habits and in those daily foundational things. When you are nourishing your body, when you are giving yourself rest, when you are moving your body, when you are, you know, staying on top of those habits that are going to help you reach the goals that you have set out for yourself. When you are really keeping your commitments to yourself, that is such a sign that you love yourself. Because think about it. When you love people, you often show up for them. For those other people in your life, whether that is a significant other, whether that's your kids, whether that's your friends, whether that is the people that you work with or you're in community with. A way that you show you care is by keeping your commitments to them. You wouldn't tell your best friend that you're going to do something for her or them and just not do it. You wouldn't tell your partner you're going to do something and then just not do it. How we often show love is by keeping our commitments to to people. We also have to remember to keep our commitments to ourselves. Particularly if there are actions or habits or things that we know we need to do that are going to propel us forward, then we need to keep those commitments to ourselves. Because often another way that we can be our own biggest opp is just by not doing the things that we know that we need to do, right? Not following through on those goals that we really want to reach, not doing the things that we can do within our control to tend to our health and happiness and well being. And so a really important way of being your own biggest fan is doing whatever you can do within your control and to the best of your ability to see to it that your needs are met, that you are doing those things, that you are maintaining those habits, you are giving yourself that rest and that you are giving yourself the best opportunity that you can give again within your control to be the best version of yourself. Because when you are truly pouring into yourself that is a sign that you really love yourself and that you want to see your light shine bright and that you truly want to thrive. So recapping our three ways that we are going to become our own biggest Fan one. Having our weekly Wins practice or having our Wins practice where we celebrate our wins however often speaks to you. I like to do this weekly again I add the time to my calendar so I remember to do it and we are going to write down and reflect on a win that we have, no matter how big or how small, to celebrate ourselves. 2. Having the lucky Log so anytime something good happens to us that may not be a direct result of our actions but is just a reminder that good things can happen and that we deserve good things. So I like to do this as a note in my notes app. I do it with bullet points, just writing down any little lucky moments that I have as a reminder to myself that good things can happen is important. And practice number three for being our own biggest fan is keeping our commitments to ourselves. So what are those actions? What are those habits? What are those things that we need to maintain, to reach our goals, to have our discipline and to do what it is we say we are going to do. So that is what I have for you today. I hope you enjoyed this conversation about why we're all going to stop being our own biggest haters. I am so excited to see you win, to see your light shine bright and I truly think that all of the spaces around us will benefit when we are all being our best selves and we're really celebrating who we are and showing up fully. If you enjoyed this episode, please make sure that you are subscribed to she's so Lucky podcast. You can subscribe on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, wherever you get your podcasts and make sure that you connect with us on social media. So you can follow the show at she's so Lucky Pod on Instagram and TikTok and then you can follow me on Instagram Les Alfred or you can follow me on TikTok @Balanceless and I would love to connect with you and hear more about your wins and the amazing ways that you are hyping yourself up. Thank you so much for tuning in and I will see you next week. Thank you for tuning in to this week's episode of she's so Less Lucky. If you're ready to create your own luck, hit that subscribe button wherever you get your podcasts or on YouTube so you don't miss an episode and head to the show. Notes for resources, links and discount codes. And if you are really feeling lucky we would appreciate your rating and your review. It really helps us be able to improve the show to get great guests and to understand what you want to hear more of. Thank you for tuning in and I'll see you next week. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.