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- [00:01]
Leslie
The following podcast is a dear media production. So before we get into today's episode, I have some pretty exciting news. Balance Black Girl is actually nominated for a 2025 NAACP Image Award under the best Podcast for Lifestyle and self help category. Now, this is an incredible, incredible honor and I would appreciate your vot. We are with some amazing shows in the category that I'm honored to be nominated beside. And I would just really love to see you all turn up and turn out to support Balance Black Girl. So we will leave a link in the show notes or you can go to the NAACP Image Awards website and you can cast your vote there. Again, I would really appreciate your vote for Balance Black Girl under the best lifestyle and self help podcast category. Thank you so much for your support.
- [01:01]
Tiffany
Anwar, welcome to the podcast. I'm so excited to have you here.
- [01:04]
Anwar
Thank you so much for having me.
- [01:06]
Leslie
Absolutely.
- [01:07]
Tiffany
I'm excited to chat with you because, I mean, normally you're like all over my for you page, so to get to actually talk to you directly is way better.
- [01:16]
Anwar
I hope so. I hope I don't disappoint.
- [01:19]
Tiffany
No, you will. Not at all. I also have to say that when I told my audience that you were coming on, they were so excited. The amount I asked people to submit questions and people definitely submitted questions. We'll get to that later. But also a good chunk of the responses where I love Anwar and I'm like, y'all, that's not a question. That's not a question. But I'm so glad that you do. So we're all so happy to have you here. So for this episode, you know, it's a new year and one of our themes for 2025 is kind of embodying almost an athlete's mentality when it comes to our goals, when it comes to the different areas of our life that we maybe want to be successful in. It's something that I've talked about on the podcast a bit when it comes to things like fitness or like care, career, kind of having a strategy, training for whatever it is that we want to win. And when I thought about playing to win when it comes to love, I was like, we gotta do an episode on that and we gotta have Anwar come talk about that because I think that's something that you speak to so, so well. So I'd love to dive in there. Something that you do talk about quite a bit is this idea of, particularly for single girls, dating with strategy. So can we break down what that looks like and maybe compare and contra what it Looks like to date with strategy versus dating without strategy.
- [02:40]
Anwar
Yeah, I think it's a great question. So, you know, one of the things that I hear every day when I have consultations with women who want to work with me, I ask them, what's your dating strategy? And 98% of them say, I don't have one. And that is going to kill you every single time. Because what I do know is that most people have strategies for everything else in their lives except for dating. And I think it's because, you know, I think that the Disney movies and the rom coms have taught us that it's just going to happen and that we just have to wait, wait to be chosen, wait for the meet cute to happen. And then it's just, you know, just do what you're supposed to do. Go to work, come home, and then somebody will find you. And no one is going to knock down your door and find you and take you to their cave. You are going to have to be able to put yourself out there. And not just put yourself out there in a happenstance way, but actually be quite strategic about it. So, you know, I don't know how the girls feel about this, but you know, in my program we date online and offline. 60% of relationships that are happening now are starting online. So if you're one of those girls who feels like I don't want to do online, then you're, you're cutting out a big portion or chunk of a possibility of finding someone. So I think it's important to do both. So understanding that your opportunity while you are dating is to get to a place where you are, you're not phased by anything. This is important. If we're talking about getting in dating shape, right, that we are doing the healing work so that each and every time some person does something either in dating or an app, you are not getting triggered half the time. What's happening is that a lot of women are starting and stopping and it kills all of your dating momentum and all of your dating results because you get triggered and then you stop and then you start dating again three months later. But then you have to start from zero all over again. So you really want to think of dating as a marathon. I will tell you this post pandemic, it's taking longer for my clients to actually get their person. Before the pandemic, it used to take four to six months. Now it's taking more to six to nine months. And if you live in a place like Atlanta, California, Texas, Florida, that's going to take you 12 to 15 months. I'm just sharing that because I think it's important to manage expectations and understand that this is a marathon, right. And this is something that you're going to have to go through a little bit each day. I tell my clients, you know, especially for online dating, you know, 10 minutes in the morning, 10 minutes in the evening, you don't want to be there all day, all night. You're going to burn yourself out within two to three weeks. So as we think about kind of strategy, right, that like little bit at a time each day, like many of our other goals that we're doing, I often, as it pertains to strategy, I always talk about Olympic dating. I want you to have a gold medalist, a silver medalist and a bronze medalist so that you can diversify your love portfolio. So what does that mean? It, I kind of think of it in the same way that I think and kind of chose colleges. So what does that mean? It means that you're going to have some reach schools, you're going to have some target schools, and you're going to have some safety schools that you're going to date.
- [06:06]
Jordan
Right.
- [06:06]
Anwar
So reach target and safety men that you will date. I work mostly with, you know, heterosexual women, so that is the nomenclature that I will use. So what does that mean? Because I do think it's important for you to have activity and have momentum. A lot of women out there are looking and applying to Harvard and Stanford and Yale and then getting upset when they don't get into any of these schools. These, these quote unquote high value men. I'm using quotations for the people that are not seeing me visually and then getting upset when they're not getting into one of these Ivy League institutions or Ivy League. So I do think it's important to have a variety of different men because you will never know who is going to rise to the top. You'd be surprised. Sometimes the target or the safety men actually rise to the top. And I say this because as someone who gets three to four women into relationship each week and has at least one or two engagements a month, I always ask my clients, is this someone that you thought that you would be with? And 95% of the time the answer is no. So I think it's important as we think about strategy to widen your net and to realize that your type probably isn't your type.
- [07:21]
Jordan
Right.
- [07:21]
Anwar
And that the dream guy that you're looking for probably isn't your future husband. Because those two guys are very different.
- [07:29]
Tiffany
I Love the analogy of the schools, like the top, the safety, the target. Can we talk a little bit more about maybe different characteristics that those people have or how do you go about understanding where a potential person who you may date fits into that strategy?
- [07:49]
Anwar
Yeah, I think it's a good question. So I believe, and I try to teach my clients to think about it not in terms of your wants, but in terms of your needs. There are a lot of things that we want in a person. And to be honest with you, you're probably going to get half of your wants. And I'm not saying that because I want you to settle. I'm saying that because everyone is human and different. But your wants oftentimes don't necessarily correlate with a successful relationship outcome. But I do know that your needs do. So what does that look like? Well, I will tell you this. I think of your deeper relationship needs based on the needs that you didn't receive from your parents while you were growing up. So if that is nurturing or attention or unconditional love or consistency and dependability or respecting of boundaries or being cherished or encouraging your talents or attention, those are the things that are probably going to sustain you and fulfill you for 20 to 30 to 40 years from now. It's probably, you're probably not going to care if he has a six pack when you're 60 or 70 years old. You're going to care if he's able to take you to your doctor's appointments and he's consistent in helping you with your medications. So this is how I think about it. Right. Because I think a lot of people have a certain ideal of what they think their person is going to look like or, you know, represent or how this person, this idealized version is going to align with my personal brand. And that's not what this is about. Your person is not there for your brand. That person is there to love you and support you and motivate you each and every day. So I always share that because, yeah, I mean, I could try to find some guy that has six figures and is six feet tall and, you know, has a graduate degree. But one, doesn't necessarily mean that he's going to be a great partner and two, it doesn't even mean that he's going to like you. If you look at the statistics, because I was an undergrad statistics major. Right. Yeah. We love numbers here.
- [10:03]
Jordan
Right?
- [10:04]
Anwar
So men that make six figures, 13% of the population. And if you're focused on just black men, because maybe some of us out there are, that's roughly 2%. Okay, so guys that are 6ft tall, that's roughly 15% of the population.
- [10:20]
Jordan
Right.
- [10:20]
Anwar
People that have graduate degrees, another 15%. So if you do the math, that's going to be less than 1% of the guys out there.
- [10:30]
Jordan
Right?
- [10:30]
Anwar
So when you tell me I am having a difficult time finding my person based on my list that I've created that maybe include those things, I can.
- [10:41]
Tiffany
Understand why that makes a lot of sense.
- [10:50]
Leslie
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- [14:31]
Tiffany
Somebody is maybe in a position where they're like, okay, I'm ready to expand my criteria to tap more into those needs versus the wants, because I really loved the way that you verbalize that. What is the next best step that they should take if they want to have more positive dating experiences?
- [14:51]
Anwar
Well, I think what's really important is to understand that dating is about your own personal growth and what you learn about yourself. It's not about getting the guy. The guy is like the cherry on top. You could get into a relationship tomorrow if you wanted to, right? That's not what this is about, but this is the way that I think about it. And my mission is working with black and brown women to make sure that they are ready for the best relationship of their life. And they're, they are the woman that is ready for that. And sometimes we're not.
- [15:25]
Jordan
Right?
- [15:25]
Anwar
That we have certain triggers, right. We need, we have certain healing that we need to do to make sure that we can be in a loving, healthy relationship. And so what does that look like? So widening the net also includes dating everybody, not just black men. And I need to Say that specifically because I think that there is a passive and sometimes active pressure for Black women to just focus on Black men. But I do know that actually if you date everybody, you will 7x your chance of finding love. So that's 1, 2. I think it's important for women, Black women specifically, to learn how to set boundaries and set them often. Oftentimes we don't know how to set boundaries because we were never taught how to have boundaries. We didn't grow up with them. We just had to be told what to do and that we had to do it. And, you know, if we think historically to, like, what our lineage and our generations had to go through, our foremothers and fathers didn't, couldn't have boundaries. So having not having boundaries is something that is taught from generation to generation. So.
- [16:37]
Jordan
Right.
- [16:38]
Anwar
Having boundaries. If you don't boundary well, you won't date well. If you don't date well, you won't get into relationships.
- [16:44]
Tiffany
Can we have some examples of good boundaries to set in the dating process?
- [16:48]
Anwar
Yeah, definitely. So I think that oftentimes I will. I always talk about, like, time, boundaries and dating, and it often shocks women because oftentimes they don't have them. So I always say, like, when you meet someone, if they're not asking you out in a week, you probably need to drop them. If you are talking to or being courted by a man and it's been two to three months and you all are not in an exclusive, committed relationship, you probably need to drop him. And if you are not engaged or married within two years, you probably need to drop him. Now, this advice, especially the engagement and marriage part, it's really for women that are, let's say, 26 and older.
- [17:32]
Jordan
Right.
- [17:32]
Anwar
But I do think it's important because a man knows when he wants to be with you. And so that's an example of some time boundaries that I think are important. The other thing is, you know, if. If some guy is being overtly sexual, right, either in his language or touching you on a date, you are going to have to set boundaries.
- [17:55]
Jordan
Right?
- [17:55]
Anwar
I think sometimes too, we might not know how to set boundaries. And so it just looks like we're trying to tell somebody about themselves. And when you come with that sort of energy, you're always going to be met with defensiveness. And so boundaries oftentimes actually don't feel safe for a lot of people. And so some of the language that I like to teach or share is using either preference or comfort.
- [18:18]
Jordan
Right.
- [18:19]
Anwar
I would prefer if you didn't Touch me. Actually, you touching me makes me feel uncomfortable.
- [18:24]
Jordan
Right.
- [18:25]
Anwar
And using that sort of language to set boundaries, that's what I think is really important. So boundaries is something that I want women to definitely work on. The other thing that I want us to work on is vulnerability. Vulnerability is like a superpower in dating. But again, many of our households don't necessarily celebrate or welcome feelings. And I want to just shout out to all my Caribbean, my Nigerian and Ghanaian girls out there, because there was probably 10x worse when it came to feelings and vulnerability. Because it's going to be really hard for you to deeply connect with a man if you don't know how to be vulnerable. If you don't know how to share your feelings, it's going to be difficult. And it's going to be difficult because men are not socialized to share feelings. And so women, however archaic it sounds, will need to initiate that vulnerability for him to feel safe enough to actually share his feelings and feel emotionally safe to do so. That's when the deep connection is happening. But if you're not able to do that, he's going to be thinking of you more of it as a colleague and not necessarily as a girlfriend or potential wife.
- [19:33]
Jordan
Right.
- [19:33]
Anwar
So vulnerability is something that's very important as well. And then thirdly, I would just say really leaning into feminine energy. A lot of black and brown women aren't in their feminine energy. They're more in their masculine energy. Even though when I work with women, they're actually very feminine in relationships, but in their everyday and while dating, they're in their masculine. And look, it's 2024, 2025. You get to be in whatever energy that you want to be in. I'm not saying that you need to be some sort of fembot. What I am saying though is that relationships are about compliments. And so I know a lot of black women are in their masculine energy. And they are attracting either dominant, feminine, energetic men or hyper, AKA toxic masculine men that want to forcibly submit these black women into their feminine.
- [20:28]
Jordan
Right.
- [20:29]
Anwar
And so I know that just naturally learning how to be in your feminine energy will actually repel a lot of those guys. And so learning how to do that is something that is really important. Feminine energy is. I always ask this question, and I think it's an important one to figure out what energy you're in. You have to ask yourself, are you, do you want to be respected or do you want to be cherished? You want to be respected? You're probably in your masculine. If you want to be cherished. You are probably in your feminine. If you want both, you're probably in your narcissistic era.
- [21:04]
Leslie
Right.
- [21:05]
Anwar
So that is something that is really important to understand. And feminine energy is about acceptance versus judgment. It's about feelings versus actions.
- [21:17]
Jordan
Right.
- [21:17]
Anwar
It's about emotional support versus strategy.
- [21:21]
Jordan
Right.
- [21:22]
Anwar
So if a guy is coming to you and he's saying, oh, my God, work is so difficult, the masculine response is, okay, well, have you tried this? Maybe you can try this, this, this and this and this. And the feminine energetic response is, I'm really sorry that you're going through that. That sounds really tough. I'm sorry. So understanding how to do that is really important if you are to attract a masculine, energetic man. And in my experience, and doing this for 15 years, most women are looking for a masculine, energetic man.
- [21:54]
Tiffany
That last part that you said, I was thinking about even being on the receiving end, how sometimes annoying it can be if you're trying to vent about something and someone is coming with solutions. And it's like, just let me talk. Yeah, I don't want you to, like, solve the problem. I just want you to listen to me talk. And so being on. On both sides of that, I think is. Is a. A good point. I would love to talk to you a little bit about something that you just mentioned, talking more about emotion versus strategy. Because we also did just talk about dating with strategy. Like that might be confusing for some people versus kind of when to maybe turn that off and on. When to be strategic versus when to not.
- [22:40]
Leslie
Can you clarify that?
- [22:42]
Anwar
Yeah. So strategy, the way that I think about it is how, like, I think about it like guardrails, Right? Like let's. In your athlete analogy, let's think about the basketball court.
- [22:56]
Jordan
Right?
- [22:57]
Anwar
So the strategy is like knowing where you can or cannot play as well as having plays that you can run to score.
- [23:09]
Jordan
Right.
- [23:10]
Anwar
But I guess feminine energy and emotion is giving space for the flexibility of changing plays when you need to.
- [23:19]
Jordan
Right.
- [23:20]
Anwar
That maybe I'm not going to pass it here. I'm just going to shoot it now.
- [23:24]
Jordan
Right.
- [23:25]
Anwar
So the feminine energy is about flow, is about learning how to accept what is given to you, allow what is there, and receive. I will tell you right now, one of the hardest things that I have learned as a dating coach for black women, that black women face, is learning how to ask for help. And I will tell you this, which is very much a part of the feminine energy, by the way.
- [23:47]
Jordan
Right.
- [23:49]
Anwar
I know just like biologically and chemically that actually men will fall in love with you based on what they do for you, not for what you do for them. And so it's actually imperative for you to learn how to ask for help so that they can fall in love with you.
- [24:04]
Jordan
Right.
- [24:05]
Anwar
So it's strategic, but the emotional part is the work of actually asking for help.
- [24:12]
Jordan
Right.
- [24:13]
Anwar
Just to give you kind of like a real world example.
- [24:15]
Tiffany
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Also, thank you for humoring me with my analogies.
- [24:22]
Anwar
We do what we can for God in my country, as my mother would say.
- [24:25]
Tiffany
Yeah, exactly that going.
- [24:33]
Leslie
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- [27:57]
Tiffany
So I do want to go back to something that you had mentioned earlier, and I know that this is something that you talk about a lot, which is being open to dating all types of people, specifically for black and brown women, maybe not being so hung up on only being open to date black men. Some feedback that I got from the audience where people might now be feeling away about that is from the recent results of the 2024 election and seeing how people voted. And I think some women feel nervous of, like, well, can I find somebody who is. Believes I have rights and, you know, shares my values?
- [28:34]
Leslie
And so can you talk a little.
- [28:35]
Tiffany
Bit more about that, about maybe when to have those conversations and how to navigate that?
- [28:40]
Anwar
Yeah, well, first, I think one of the things that I did for my clients this past week is just hold space for them where we just came together and we talked about, like, what those recent election results, what, you know, what was brought up in them. So I want to honor and respect however people are feeling about that. I think I get a bad rap sometimes because, you know, I'm taught I'm called a race traitor and all of these other things because people are thinking that I want black women to just date white men. And that's not necessarily the case. I just want women to date everyone and see who treats you the best. The thing about it is that not everyone is going to be good for you and whatever racial group. And when you look at the statistics of response rates with different men or black women, most of them are, are anywhere from 37 to 42%. Black, Latino, multirace, Middle Eastern, Asian and white are 31 and 33%, respectively. So I kind of align with those. Basically those percentages of the number of men that are actually kind of checking for you in every racial group. So a third of the white men are into you and maybe a third of the Asian men, but not all of them, which may align with some of the, you know, the polls, the exit poll results racially.
- [30:10]
Jordan
Right.
- [30:11]
Anwar
So it's not about figuring out or not saying that everyone. I shouldn't date this whole entire race because they're all bad. Not all of them are bad. Just like we are not a monolith as people. Right. So we really do have to get to know everyone conversation by conversation. Now, you asked about what sort of things or when should we start bringing these things up? As soon as possible.
- [30:38]
Jordan
Right.
- [30:39]
Anwar
You want to ask them about what they think about Kamala Harris's candidacy in general. You want to ask these individuals about their experiences dating outside of their race or what they think about politics or race relations and all of that. The days are gone where, you know, I think there is this old adage around never talk about money and politics on dates. No, you want to talk about it, and you want to talk about it as early as possible, whether that's in a phone call, before you meet someone, or even like in a dating app.
- [31:14]
Jordan
Right.
- [31:14]
Anwar
I will tell you, if someone has conservative on their app, it probably means maga.
- [31:22]
Tiffany
They're loud and proud.
- [31:24]
Anwar
If it's moderate, it probably is Republican.
- [31:27]
Tiffany
Yes.
- [31:28]
Jordan
Right.
- [31:29]
Anwar
So a lot of people who lean right actually soften their political stances so that they can get more matches. So I'm sharing that so that people understand, like, what it really means at the end of the day. But, you know, again, we're dating people that treat us the best and that align with our values. And having those sorts of conversations will be really helpful in helping you to determine who's going to be best for you or not.
- [31:58]
Tiffany
Absolutely. That really makes sense. You had also talked about some of the things that used to be taboo. Talking about politics, talking about money. I think money and dating can be such a hot topic, especially on social media, especially over, I think, the past few years. Just the pandemic and everything that's happened economically after That I feel like it's just really amplified so many things for a lot of people and really amplified a lot of responses. When you're working with clients, how do you go about navigating conversations with them about finances and how that influences how they date?
- [32:36]
Anwar
It matters. It matters a lot. And especially if you're a black woman.
- [32:40]
Jordan
Right.
- [32:41]
Anwar
I will tell you, when you tease out all of the data, single black women make more than single black men. That is the only racial group where this happens. And a lot of people want to fight me. But actually when you take out the marriage data, because men make roughly 20% more when they're married and women make roughly 17% less when they're married because they're at home, they're taking care of kids, they're doing part time work, what have you. And so this is the only racial group where this happens, which means dating is harder. The thing about dating as a successful woman, black woman, that is, is when you, the more money you make, the fewer or the smaller your market is.
- [33:25]
Jordan
Right?
- [33:25]
Anwar
Whereas for men, it's the exact opposite. The more you make, the bigger your market is. And so oftentimes what is happening is because of that passive or active pressure that we talked about in dating black men. Sometimes I see a lot that we have women here that are making 125, $150,000 and getting with men that make $60,000. In my experience, that's never going to work. And it's not going to. It's not going to work because you making significantly more than him will emasculate him and he will find ways to try to find or regain his masculinity. And that often means trying to humble you in a variety of different ways, whether that is emotionally, whether that is physically or otherwise, spiritually. Right, intellectually. And so that's why it's dangerous. I always tell people, if you make less than a hundred thousand dollars, then that man has to make at least 80% of what you're making. If you make more than six figures, he has to make six figures. That is kind of a formula that has worked for so many of my clients, the thousands of women that I have gotten into relationships and have had long standing, healthy relationships. Right Outside of that, it often does not work.
- [34:50]
Tiffany
Well, that makes a lot of sense. I think also could be kind of a tough pill to swallow for some people.
- [35:00]
Anwar
Why do you say that?
- [35:01]
Tiffany
I think, I think it's just one of those things, almost like we were talking about at the beginning, where there are certain assumptions that we have of, like, everything will magically work out. And, you know, it doesn't.
- [35:12]
Leslie
Money doesn't matter.
- [35:14]
Tiffany
But these are all things that we know, like, aren't necessarily true. And so I think sometimes when you hear, like, the. The facts about it, it can kind of bust that bubble a little bit, but is still important to talk about.
- [35:27]
Anwar
I think that we have seen our mothers and grandmothers settle, and so we are very comfortable with it. And we think that that is something that we must do. And I'm here to tell you that that's not something that you have to do. And again, what that means is we gotta date a lot of different people to find people that are in our market.
- [35:46]
Jordan
Right.
- [35:48]
Anwar
So that we don't have to settle.
- [35:50]
Jordan
Right.
- [35:50]
Anwar
So that we don't have to work all day long, bring in most of the bacon, and then come home and do some of the invisible labor that a lot of women have to do. You're working three jobs if you do that. And unfortunately, there are a lot of black women that are doing that, not to mention who also have kids. Right. And are making it happen in all different directions. So we think it's okay because we didn't grow up with a lot. So we think that we can make things happen. And that's just not the case. Not in this economy, not in this inflation. Life is hard. Life is expensive. And many of us. Many of us will need two incomes to thrive and to create generational wealth. This isn't about what you're doing in your life. This is about what you're doing for future generations as well. And this is one of the reasons why I do what I do specifically for black and brown women. Because this work, even though this is about finding love, this is also about creating black wealth. Black generational wealth in your lineage.
- [36:52]
Tiffany
Oh, absolutely. I mean, I think your choice and partner is one of the most important decisions. You'll make it imp. There's no part of your life and quality of life that it doesn't impact. And it's not something to be taken lightly by any means.
- [37:06]
Anwar
Yeah.
- [37:07]
Tiffany
But I. I keep my opinions out because I'm not the expert.
- [37:12]
Anwar
We are all experts for ourselves.
- [37:15]
Tiffany
Yes. Expert in our own.
- [37:17]
Anwar
I just give my perspective. People get to receive it or throw it away. I'm not here to force anything down anyone's throat.
- [37:24]
Tiffany
For sure. For sure. Same. Honestly, I'm like. I'm just here to facilitate the conversation, ask the questions. I do really appreciate just the. The real talk because I think it's very, very necessary Because I think for so many of us, particularly black women of our generation, like, we have this kind of drive within us to want to do better and be better in.
- [37:50]
Leslie
A lot of ways.
- [37:50]
Tiffany
And sometimes I think that can come from an unhealthy place, which I can also say for myself, sometimes comes from an unhealthy place. But it also is devastating to see that compromised when it doesn't have to to be 100%. So I also had a lot of the girlies write in with questions, and they asked some good questions. So I would love to dig into a couple of the audience questions. Some of them we covered, but some of them, some people asked some more. More specific questions.
- [38:20]
Anwar
Okay.
- [38:21]
Tiffany
That I would love to get into. One person said, tips for trying to date again after not dating anyone for a long time.
- [38:28]
Anwar
Yeah. So I think, first of all, a lot of us avoid dating because we're still hurt by something. And so one of the things that I would want to clarify is have we actually healed from a past experience or past relationship? We have to get to the core of why we're avoiding dating. Is it because we don't want to be hurt? Well, you're going to get hurt because humans are humans. They're not perfect, just like you get hurt in a lot of different areas in our lives.
- [39:02]
Jordan
Right.
- [39:02]
Anwar
But the work is having the skills and the tools to be able to navigate and manage those setbacks, those hurts, those triggers, those traumas that might be coming up for you. And I think dating, you know, it brings up all your ish. And so, you know, if you don't feel like you can do this on your own, definitely work with a coach or a therapist to help you manage and guide you, especially if there are blind spots there. But more tangibly, start online, start just put a couple of pictures on, also a few sentences down. You don't even have to have a full profile. Just doing that alone, you'll start to get messages. And I think that that part of this process is very important because it gives you an instant confidence boost, which I think is often the reason why a lot of people don't get put themselves out there. They think, oh, my God, nobody's checking for me. Or, right, I'm divorced, I feel like a failure or damaged goods or especially for single mothers, I hear this a lot as well. No, people are still checking for you. And I think just doing that alone will be the physical representation or evidence for you to realize that that can inspire and motivate to keep on going.
- [40:22]
Tiffany
I love that. Just Those little bits of. Of confidence. When I talk about wellness, I talk about our habits being daily deposits. But it sounds like even for outside of our wellness habits, like those little deposits of confidence apply here too.
- [40:37]
Anwar
Most definitely.
- [40:38]
Tiffany
Yeah. Someone said this is like a very specific question, but I actually wonder if people in, in this audience in particular may struggle with this. I'm into wellness and clean eating, and this seems to turn off men.
- [40:52]
Leslie
Any advice?
- [40:54]
Anwar
Yeah. Good. You want it to turn off men because the men that are going to be turned off by that are men that are probably unhealthy and will be looking for a hospice nurse when they turn 50 or 60 years old and a hospice wife that are going to be taking care of them because they didn't take care of themselves. So, you know, I think, I think about being your authentic self as one of the best dating strategies that you can have. And if that is your true truth, that is how you eat, that is how you live. Great. What they're. When you're saying that it's turning them off, it's because they feel inadequate because they might not have the discipline and the care to do what you do. We get to honor, respect and accept that and realize that that's not your person. If anything, your person is going to encourage you to even do much more of it. And I just want to say something because I think this is really important. One of the things that I see from a lot of relationship ready men is they'll be your biggest cheerleader for whatever you're doing.
- [41:58]
Jordan
Right.
- [41:59]
Anwar
And a lot of women aren't used to having a man cheerlead for them.
- [42:04]
Jordan
Right.
- [42:04]
Anwar
It feels weird, different, unnatural. But that's what you're looking for, right? So when you're talking about, yeah, I'm eating healthy and I'm gonna do this marathon, he's going to be checking. He should be checking in on you. How's the training going? Do you need anything? Here are some bars here, you know, here's this interesting drink. Here's an article that I read about how to get the best time for this marathon, blah, blah, blah. That's what we're looking for here, ladies. And it's. That's possible. I see it every week.
- [42:33]
Tiffany
Oh, absolutely. So wait, before I get into the next listener question, you just said a phrase there that I would love to dig into more. You said relationship ready. Can we just expand on what that means and what to look for to be able to tell if someone's relationship ready?
- [42:50]
Anwar
It's going to be different for a lot of different people. But if I were to give a broader stroke of this, what I'm looking for is emotional availability and sensitivity and capacity. Someone who is respecting your boundaries. Someone that invests in you not just emotionally and intellectually, but someone that is taking you out. Someone who is moving the courtship and relationship along. You can't be dragging a man to an aisle. I will tell you this. The men that are with my clients, my clients have to beat them off with the stick because they are so upset, like addicted to them. Like just love on them, right? And so part of, part of that is understanding that that's somewhat normal, right? That like they want to, they want to be with you right? Now, I say all that to say there's a difference between being pursued and being chased and love bombed, right? The guy is trying to see you more than three or four times a week, then he's probably love bombing you. But if he's like, when's the next time, that time that I can see you?
- [44:03]
Jordan
Right.
- [44:03]
Anwar
He's not saying, I want to see you this day. He just wants to put it on the calendar. He's moving, he's moving it forward. Okay? Relationship ready guys have a level of stabilization in their career because a lot of men actually self actualize their career. So if someone is under or unemployed, they're not ready to be in a relationship, okay? So because that is how they feel. Good. This is how they feel like they can provide for their future family. So his, his, his job has to be super legit.
- [44:37]
Jordan
Right?
- [44:38]
Anwar
So those are just some things that I think are important to look for and look at when we're engaging with these individuals.
- [44:47]
Tiffany
That is super helpful. Thank you. So someone said, tips for the shy or not so assertive guy. So it sounds like she's interested in a guy who's maybe shy, so it's not as forward. But then she kind of answered her own question. I just want to hear your take on this. Then she said, or maybe he's just emotionally unavailable.
- [45:11]
Anwar
I think shy and introverted guys, here's what I know. If they want to be with you, they're going to make it happen. I don't, I don't accept the excuse of this guy's shy and I hear it every day. No, if he wants to make it happen, he'll make it happen. If that were the case, then none of these engineers in Silicon Valley would have wives. And they do, because they make it happen even though they're introverted. So I want us to stop using that excuse if we Can. Right, here's what I will say. I think that when you're out and about, and I always say if a man's feet are pointing toward you, he's really into you. So check the feet. Okay. If his feet are pointing toward you, you can start with some eye life and a smile. If that doesn't work, then I would position myself near him and say hello and see if he drives a conversation from there. If he doesn't, peace out 100%.
- [46:09]
Tiffany
This next question, she says as someone who is not and she put not in capital letters. So that makes me think that she means business and is interested in staying off. Who is not on dating apps? How do we find more compatible people to date?
- [46:25]
Anwar
I think two things. One, you need to go outside. People are not going outside. They're working from home, they're living from home. Like I always say, you want to go out. If you're not going to do the apps, you want to be committed to going out two to three times a week. One time is for you.
- [46:44]
Jordan
Right.
- [46:44]
Anwar
If you're a Pilates girl, girl, do your Pilates. One time is your, what we call your cheers place, where you go every week, same time, same place, and everybody knows your name. And the third time is when you're on the hunt for some meat. Yeah. So that can be a lounge, a bar, a festival, you know, conferences. Sometimes we shop. We shop at conferences as well. And. But that's what it looks like, like actually being out and about and not just being out and about, but you actually have to talk to people when you're out and about. You can't be cute and mute. So I always tell my ladies, I always give them a challenge, which is two numbers, one drink. Every time you go out, you should be able to get two numbers and get a guy to buy you a drink. And so that should be kind of the mentality around engaging and connecting with people. Why do I say this? I say this because you can get. It's easier to focus on getting that done and like, you know, accomplishing it versus getting in your head about talking to people. If you're. A lot of people are actually love a challenge, love a goal, because they like to smash it. If they don't have that, they're going to be really self conscious and try to figure out, oh, he's the one or not. Most of these guys are not the one. But the practice is being able to do that and do it in a confident way. And what I do know is that when you have plenty of Reps, your confidence is going to grow. Your dating muscle is going to grow, and you can do that at any time, any place. And that's what we're looking for more than anything else.
- [48:27]
Tiffany
I love, I love the distinction of the three different types of going out so that you're not just like, like on the hunt all the time. Love the Cheers analogy because I think there is something to repetition and familiarity that supports connecting with people. And then I love the two numbers, one drink, because it just gives our brains something to, to hold onto.
- [48:53]
Anwar
Yeah.
- [48:54]
Tiffany
For that bullet point, though, I do wonder, you know, what does that look like in practice for someone who is going out and who may be, you know, outside doing different things and like that, that type of thing isn't happening. You know, the, the two numbers, the finding someone to talk to, exchanging information, like that's not really happening. Does that mean that they need to initiate more? And then what's the line between initiating and being masculine versus feminine?
- [49:22]
Anwar
I think that it is okay to have start conversations with people that are nearby you.
- [49:30]
Jordan
Right.
- [49:30]
Anwar
And I actually think as a black woman, you're going to need to do that more than other women. I'm just going to keep it real with you because a lot of these guys don't even know that you like them or your eyes are for them, especially if they're non black guys. So you're going to have to talk to that random Latino guy at the bar. Right. For him to know, oh, you're checking for me. Okay, let me chat with you. So that's something that is actually going to be really important. Again, the masculine is closing the deal. The masculine is. Well, let me get your number right. The masculine is walking across the room to talk to a guy. The feminine is positioning yourself, starting a conversation, and then allowing space for him to drive it afterwards.
- [50:15]
Jordan
Right.
- [50:15]
Anwar
And so this takes practice, especially when you're not used to it. But I think the practice is worthwhile. And if you don't want to do that, that's why I love the app. So that you can practice being flirty and bantering and doing all of that so that you can, you know, be a master at this.
- [50:35]
Tiffany
You're speaking my language. You're talking about putting in reps. We love the, we love the, the fitness speak over here. That's right, exactly. How to, how to talk to us. Anwar, thank you so much for joining us today. This was so helpful. Can you please let our audience know where they can find you and how they can keep in touch with you?
- [50:55]
Anwar
Yeah. No problem. So my socials are at Dating Coach Anwar A N W A R and if you're interested in working with me, you can go to my website getyourguycoaching.com as well as my podcast called get.
- [51:10]
Tiffany
Your guy coaching Perfect and we will have all of that linked in the show notes. Thank you so much.
- [51:16]
Anwar
You're so welcome. Thank you so much for having me.
- [51:18]
Tiffany
I hope you enjoyed this week's episode and that if you are somebody who is currently in your dating season that it helped you feel more empowered for the dating marathon, as Anwar put it. So if you enjoyed this episode, please make sure that you head to the show notes or to the episode description so that you can check out all the resources there. We have also links our information as well as Anwar's information there to check out. If you enjoyed this episode, please make sure that you are subscribed, leave us a rating and leave us a review. We love a five star situation. It's what helps us get the word out about the podcast and continue to bring you great conversations every week.
- [51:59]
Leslie
Thank you again and I will see you next time.
- [52:27]
Tiffany
Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.