Podcast Summary: Sibling Revelry with Kate Hudson and Oliver Hudson
Episode: The Secret Struggles of Boys and Men
Date: December 10, 2025
Host: Oliver Hudson (Kate Hudson present but mostly Oliver)
Guest: Richard Reeves, author of Of Boys and Men; founder, American Institute for Boys and Men (AIBM)
Episode Overview
This episode of Sibling Revelry delves into the unique and under-discussed struggles facing boys and men today, featuring Richard Reeves, whose research and advocacy spotlight the issues of modern masculinity, shifting family roles, and the ripple effects of societal change on men’s mental health and purpose. Drawing from personal experiences as fathers and sons, as well as social trends and research, Oliver and Richard have a candid, empathetic, and sometimes humorous discussion about how boys and men are navigating a rapidly changing world.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Origin of the Conversation: Why Men and Boys?
- (03:25) Oliver introduces Richard as a guest whose book and message resonated with him as a father of two boys, particularly in the wake of the #MeToo movement and shifting conversations around masculinity.
- (04:21) Oliver shares his personal investment as a father and his concerns about how his boys are growing up in a culture that often problematizes masculinity.
2. The Importance of a Father’s Love and Role Models
- (06:05) Richard describes his own upbringing in the UK, with an older brother and younger sister, emphasizing the “extraordinary blessing” of being certain of his father's love.
- Quote: “At the core of you, to know, have an absolute certainty of your father's love...I hope my three sons feel, more than anything else.” — Richard Reeves [06:20]
- (07:09) Oliver discusses family divorce, his relationships with his biological and stepfather, and asks if the source of fatherly love (biological vs. step) matters.
- (09:17) Richard says what matters most is that one “feels it from someone... there’s a reason why we use the term ‘father figure’.” He emphasizes the need for loving, caring male role models, not strictly biological fathers.
3. Masculinity’s “Negative Connotation” and Societal Narratives
- (14:29) The hosts explore how masculinity has become almost synonymous with "toxic masculinity" in the cultural narrative.
- Quote: “The sad thing is it feels like the word ‘masculinity’ has a negative connotation now. Even if it’s not in front of it, ‘toxic’ just sort of… appears in front of it.” — Oliver Hudson [14:29]
- Richard notes research showing people simply have “negative views about masculinity, period.”
- Quote: “There’s good survey evidence now that people just have negative views about masculinity, period. And then you wonder why so many of our boys and young men are feeling somewhat lost.” — Richard Reeves [15:08]
4. Mislabeling Teenage Male Behavior
- (21:20) Richard underscores that behaviors often flagged as “toxic masculinity” among teen boys may simply be developmental (e.g., making lists of crushes).
- “We’re mistaking toxic masculinity for teenage masculinity. When you’re a teenage boy or girl, you might make lists like that... but then you grow up.” — Richard Reeves [22:12]
5. Unseen Struggles: Data & Trends
- (21:20; 29:26) Richard gives examples of ignored crises:
- Male college enrollment plummeting in the pandemic—seven times the rate of females, largely unreported.
- Young male suicide rates climbing significantly (four times higher, with a third increase among under-30s from 2010–2023).
- Quote: “There was a sevenfold difference in college enrollment… a huge increase in suicide rates among young men.” — Richard Reeves [30:06]
- Richard asserts: “If it had been the other way around, there would have been lots of coverage… because there are lots of people whose job it is to draw attention to it (for women and girls).”
6. Feeling Needed: The Core of Men’s Wellbeing
- (33:17) Richard identifies the sense of being “needed” as foundational for men’s mental health.
- Quote: “The thing that everyone needs is to know that they're needed... the core of mental health." — Richard Reeves [33:32]
- Research shows words like “worthless” and “useless” dominate men’s self-conceptions before suicide.
7. Masculinity and Vulnerability: Changing Definitions
- (35:57) Oliver and Richard discuss how men can—and should—find purpose not just through work or traditional provider roles, but also through vulnerability, wisdom, emotional support, and presence.
- Quote: “Vulnerability now is seen as more of a superpower… we can be needed for emotional things now.” — Oliver Hudson [35:57]
- (36:49) Richard explains that in most cultures, maturity for men has been about becoming generative—producing more than one needs; this role is becoming less obvious in contemporary society, requiring men to find new ways to provide and contribute.
8. Role of Mentors and "The Village"
- (53:49) Both share that sometimes crucial lessons come from extended family, mentors, teachers, coaches, and that it’s important for dads to allow others in.
- Quote: “Sometimes it takes more than one man in one generation, sometimes it takes two generations [of support].” — Richard Reeves [55:06]
9. Parenting: Modeling vs. Telling
- (47:59) “Kids believe their eyes, not their ears.” Both discuss that children internalize observed behaviors, not lectures.
- Oliver gives the example of his own children mimicking his behavior without being aware of it.
10. Women’s Reactions & Generational Divide
- (60:09) Richard notes that “boy moms” and younger women are receptive to his work, but women who broke glass ceilings are more skeptical—afraid hard-won progress for women may be threatened by refocusing on male issues.
- Quote: “For women who’ve had to leave piles of broken glass behind them to break ceilings, to suddenly say to them 'now boys and men'...that’s hard.” — Richard Reeves [60:20]
- Both agree: it's not a zero-sum game; both genders benefit from each other’s wellbeing.
11. Engaging Boys & Young Men: Agency and Instinct
- (64:13) Richard urges dads to trust paternal instincts—risk-taking, play, and creative tension with maternal instincts benefit families.
- (66:10) "Lean into those [paternal] instincts… A bit of dad energy is a good thing.”
- Richard shares a moving listener story: a mother who initially judged her son for watching Richard’s video but then, after watching with him, had their “best conversation ever” about his struggles.
12. Media, Andrew Tate, the Online Landscape
- (68:18) Richard addresses the allure of figures like Andrew Tate; when society fails to seriously address male issues, boys seek answers from controversial sources.
- Quote: “The demand, not the supply, is the real story with Andrew Tate. It’s our fault [if boys are turning to him]... not the boy’s fault.” — Richard Reeves [69:22]
13. Actionable Wisdom: How to Help Boys and Men
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Personal actions: Text or call a boy or young man you know, reach out, be present, let them know they’re seen and cared for.
- Quote: “Every guy listening to this knows a boy or a young man in their lives who they should text right now… and say, ‘how are you doing?’… This is not just about policy.” — Richard Reeves [70:55]
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Validation: Masculinity is not inherently negative; toxic masculinity gets attention, but healthy masculinity must be reclaimed and championed.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- "I want my three boys to know, have the same certainty, so they don’t have to ask themselves if dad loves me.” — Richard Reeves [06:20]
- “We’re mistaking toxic masculinity for teenage masculinity.” — Richard Reeves [22:12]
- “My goal was to make them not toxic? Imagine that: ‘here’s an inspiring vision for you, boys—imagine a world where you’re not poisonous.’” — Richard Reeves [15:08]
- “The thing that everyone needs is to know that they're needed… I think the core of mental health.” — Richard Reeves [33:32]
- “Vulnerability now is more of a superpower than ... looked at as weak.” — Oliver Hudson [35:57]
- “A bit of dad energy is a good thing.” — Richard Reeves [66:10]
- “If people like me, as boring as I am… can’t talk about boys and men, who’s going to?” — Richard Reeves [28:46]
- “Masculinity—let’s not put toxic in front of it… It’s been bastardized.” — Oliver Hudson [73:13]
- “We have to make our boys and men in our own lives, in our own communities, know that we see them, that we love them, and we have their backs.” — Richard Reeves [71:06]
- “Kids believe their eyes, not their ears... This has to be show, not tell.” — Richard Reeves [47:59]
Important Timestamps
- 03:25–04:18: Oliver introduces Richard Reeves and reasons for the conversation
- 06:05–07:09: Richard and Oliver’s personal stories of fatherhood and family structure
- 12:40–16:41: Historical and social context of changing gender roles and “toxic masculinity”
- 21:06–24:32: Data points on male educational and mental health struggles
- 33:17–35:57: The idea that feeling "needed" is central to men's wellbeing
- 47:59–50:08: Parenting by example vs. instruction
- 60:05–63:44: Women’s varied responses to male-focused initiatives
- 66:10–68:39: Trusting paternal instincts; the risk of ignoring boys’ issues
- 68:39–69:36: Discussing online influencers and society’s failure to engage boys
- 70:44–71:34: Richard’s call to action: personally reach out to boys and young men
Takeaways and Closing Tone
The conversation is heartfelt, vulnerable, and urgent, yet practical and hopeful. Both Oliver and Richard urge parents and society to rethink how we support boys and men—balancing the gains for women with renewed attention to the unique challenges faced by men today. Masculinity is reclaimed as a positive force, and the critical need for presence, guidance, and honest dialogue is emphasized. The message: “make a call, have the conversation, show up — boys and men need to feel wanted, loved, and included, now more than ever.”
To dive deeper, visit: aibm.org