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Simple Farmhouse Life
332. What Modern Culture Gets Wrong About Boys: How to Raise Strong, Capable Sons | Rebekah Lovell, Author of Boyhood Resurrected
00:46:29
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- [00:01]
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- [00:32]
Rebecca Lovell
So then I started looking at, you know, our culture as a whole. There started being this phrase coined toxic masculinity. And you know, that filters all the way down to young boys, how they're treated in classrooms everywhere they go. There was just this idea that boys were almost just second class citizens and they were being treated as dysfunctional girls. And I didn't like it. And I wanted our boys to be recognized and honored for how God wired them, that the masculine heart is a good thing.
- [01:04]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
My name is Lisa, mother of nine and creator of the blog and YouTube channel Farmhouse on Boone. On this podcast I like to talk about simplifying your life so you can live out your priorities. I help you learn how to cook from scratch and decorate on a budget through this podcast and my courses Simple Sourdough and the Simple Sewing Series. I will leave links to these resources in the show notes and description box below. Now let's get into the show.
- [01:27]
Progressive Insurance Announcer
Foreign.
- [01:32]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Welcome back to the Simple Farmhouse Life podcast. Today we are chatting with Rebecca Lovell, who is the author of Boyhood Resurrected Igniting a Revival of Daring and Heroic Boys. If you have boys and you're not sure what to do with them and all of their boundless energy, especially as they get older, that's something that I've been thinking more and more about. I think you're going to really enjoy this conversation, so without further ado, let's dive in. Welcome on to the show, Rebecca. I'm really looking forward to chatting about this topic. I was talking to my husband about it this morning because we have six boys. They're 12 and under, soon to be 13 and under. And so there's just a lot of boy. And you write about Boyhood Resurrected. That's the book Igniting a Revival of Daring and Heroic Boys. So let's start with introductions. Tell us a bit about yourself and your work. Sure.
- [02:26]
Rebecca Lovell
Well, thanks for having me on, Lisa. Glad to be here. I have two sons. They are now 12 and 13. I've been married to my husband John for 19 years now. We live on some land in North Georgia, so we've kind of started this crazy homesteading adventure just the past five years, but before that we've had experience in the suburbs and even apartment living. So we've done it all.
- [02:53]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Yeah. Yeah. And so your new book, Boyhood Resurrected, what sparked the vision for that? What made you think this is a topic that needs to be addressed?
- [03:04]
Rebecca Lovell
Yeah. So especially when my boys were young, maybe they're 2, 3 or 3, 4, because they're pretty close in age. I started noticing just kind of the stigma even dropping them off just for a couple hours at childcare. Or maybe strangers or neighbors would be like, whoa, boys, you must have your hands full. There was just this idea that there was this sympathy almost, this pity for me, and then this idea with maybe a caregiver here and there of, oh, man, this is hard to handle. And then we had a brush with the public education system and preschool years, and it just was not a fit, was not a good experience. I saw how the boys were going to be treated. So then I started looking at, you know, our culture as a whole. There started being this phrase coined toxic masculinity. And, you know, that filters all the way down to young boys, how they're treated in classrooms, everywhere they go. There was just this idea that boys were almost just second class citizens and they were being treated as dysfunctional girls. And I didn't like it. And I wanted to our boys to be recognized and honored for how God wired them, that the masculine heart is a good thing. Right. We don't let chaos run wild necessarily. We have discipline, we have respect, we have boundaries. But we let a boy's heart have that adventure that he needs.
- [04:36]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Yeah, they'll. They'll find it. Now, the subtitle of the book is Igniting a Revival of Daring and Heroic Boys. When you describe boys as daring and heroic, what do you mean by that? And then how is that different from today's culture in the narrative that we often see?
- [04:53]
Rebecca Lovell
Very good. Yeah. So daring and heroic. I wanted to have the opposite of culture, which kind of wants boys to be easy to handle. Maybe they've got the mute button on. They're kind of just stunted and they're kind of blah. Maybe they're lulled by screenshots and they're kind of just pacified. I want boys who are ready to take risks, they're ready to serve others. They're ready to make sacrifices when needed. But they've also learned that their energy, which they have more than enough of, is not a curse when used correctly. It's an abundant blessing. So I want Boys who have that light in their eyes, and it hasn't been put out by the expectations of sit down, be quiet for hours and hours, days on end, weeks on end, years on in, until their spirit is just stifled. We want boys who are not afraid.
- [05:46]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Yeah. I think for moms, the fear is what is probably stopping a lot of boys. Because for me, I think before I had kids, I would have thought like, the inconvenient or, you know, like, where kids are, like, challenging and inconvenient is all the things you have to do for them. But actually for me, it's like all the worry when they're. When you're not doing stuff for them is actually the part that makes having kids hard. I don't know if a lot of moms agree with that.
- [06:13]
Rebecca Lovell
Yes.
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Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
So there's this balance of, like. Yes. But then I think the reason that moms like to pacify them, sit them in front of a screen, is, hey, like, nothing's gonna. They're not gonna get hurt. Which boys are constantly threatening to do. So I don't know if you've seen that. Like, I think if you tell share stories for when you were a kid or when your parents or your grandparents were kids, you'll notice that bit more. I don't know why we're so fearful, but we're more fearful of our children.
- [06:43]
Rebecca Lovell
Absolutely. Yeah. So I think that's a good thing. You know, age appropriate, you want to protect your child. But after a certain age, when they can really pick themselves up, dust themselves off, we shouldn't helicopter around them. Right. We shouldn't stunt them in a way that they think, oh, the world is too dangerous. You know, I'm going to hurt myself from. Or I'm a burden to others by all this energy. I think that it's good to have good boundaries in place. But as G.K. chesterton says, let good things run wild when. When time. So, you know, you've got good rules, but you also allow them to climb trees. You also allow them to shoot airsoft guns and ride for four wheelers or, you know, carve sticks into sharp points, and they're going to stick fight and spear fight. We just have long conversations about, you only get two eyes. We talk about the safety a lot. And as they get older, they're using hatchets and axes and good dange tools so that they learn danger is necessary. It's a part of life. You know, we're not taking stupid risks. We're not just kamikaze hurting ourselves, but we're also not Afraid to get a little dirty, make some mistakes and just learn by risk and failure.
- [07:59]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Yeah. Because there's a lot of value in that. There's a lot that kids learn through that process. So we don't want to stop it. But it also. Have you heard of boy math? Boy math is where the certain number, like, the more boys you put together, the crazier the ideas are.
- [08:16]
Rebecca Lovell
Yeah. So, yeah, we have this tree in the back pasture that they've made this fort. And so they've made like a pulley system and they've made a row platter and these flats, which are like stick platforms. And so I find out later when they have friends over, there's all kinds of things happening on the upper platforms. Scary. Yeah. Yeah. Good risk.
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Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Yeah. Well, and that's.
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Rebecca Lovell
That's it.
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Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Do your boys end up doing a lot of things that do scare you? Because I find that especially like husbands, men are more. Dads are more willing to accept certain risks. And so I will, like, come upon, like, what they're all doing. And I'm like, why this? It's like, they're fine. I'm like, I don't know about that.
- [09:04]
Rebecca Lovell
Yeah, yeah. So we just built a bonfire last week. We didn't get. Get to light it yet, but I heard my husband just giving them detailed instructions on how to light it with the gasoline. And I thought, ah, no. Okay. You know, and that got put off for a few days. We're going to do it this weekend. But, yeah, I think that's a good thing. As moms, we need to learn to step back. And when dad's in charge, he's going to handle it. And it's a good thing for dads to stretch the boys and for moms to take them out from under our protective wings sometimes. And, you know, obviously there's consequences to craziness, but it's a good stretching. It's a growing. It's an independence. Boys always want to test themselves, see if they measure up, and they need to do that in little increments over time.
- [09:56]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
So my little boys, they will always do things and they'll say, am I scaring you, Mom? Am I scaring you, Mom? Did yours. Did yours used to do that? Like, the younger ones, they'll climb higher and higher, and I think that's because they get a lot of time with their dad independently, where I'm not monitoring. But then it usually happens that when I am like, oh, hey, what. What's going on here? Yeah, that I. I will step in. But there's plenty of time where I'm not with them. So they're taking whatever risk they take with him.
- [10:22]
Rebecca Lovell
That's right.
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Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
And so they know, like, mom's the one who's going to be scared. And they want to see, like, are you scared yet? Higher enough that you're scared yet.
- [10:31]
Rebecca Lovell
That's a good push. That's a good push. Yeah, I like that.
- [10:34]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
I know. It's funny. They've all caught on to that. So boys are different, too, when it comes to school and daily rhythms. Can you share some of the daily rhythms that help build spiritual and emotional strength in boys?
- [10:50]
Rebecca Lovell
Sure, yeah. Spiritual and emotional. So our basic rhythm is we have breakfast, the boys do chores, and then we sit down and read devotion. So that's always in place. Something simple. Just like Spurgeon's morning and evening, and then they do their schoolwork. They have afternoon more chores or some free time or an activity here and there. And then in the evening when we have dinner, their dad opens the Bible, maybe just for a few minutes. At dinner, we have a discussion. And then at night, when they have their own reading time, they're going to be reading through the Bible as well. But I think for emotional strength, also, just that simple rhythm in place. We're not tight scheduled people, so I like to just realize every day is going to be a little different. You know, I've always been the one with the homeschool planner to backdate what we did instead of plan out, you know, exactly black and white what we're going to do. I always fill in what we've done because I like to have that flexibility. But if they just know the basic rhythm of what we're gonna do each day, I think that's good as well. But it changes for the seasons, too. Yeah.
- [12:01]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
So you said your oldest is 13? And I have my son, I guess when this episode's out, he. He's 13 as well. And that's my oldest son. I have daughters that are older than that. And I've heard other moms who have older kids say that part of their life, like, pretty young needs to become work. And I can already tell that, like, some of them do, they just want to go out and, like, do things on their own. How are you planning to? Or maybe you're already kind of doing this. Like, I want to give them opportunities where they could actually do work, earn money. They. They already do some of that as well, but very regularly, not just like when it snows. They go plow driveways and they go mow lawns But I want, I, I really want to set up some. It seems like they need like work all the time. Not just work at home. Like that's, that's fine too and that's good. But other outside work, like the older they get. Are you finding that?
- [12:56]
Rebecca Lovell
I am finding that. And so my oldest is actually about to start going to work with dad once a week. So my husband is a influencer. We have a website and a YouTube channel and that kind of thing. So he's going to start with just the very basics. Doing videos, video editing, just basic skills, at least just once a week. So he'll be doing that kind of work soon. He's in middle school, so that's a pretty good age. But then just actual hard work. I've tried to train them. Like I grew up just doing household chores as well. You know, when they were little, I'd have a mop and help with dishes and take trash out and feed pets. So we've done that. And then now that we live on land and they're older and stronger, they're lifting big feed bags, you know, 40, 50 pound bags. They're helping chop firewood. So yeah, they're always busy.
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Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Yeah.
- [13:50]
Rebecca Lovell
I want to give credit, I can't remember where I heard this, but someone said you should employ and exhaust your boys, so they should always be doing something and then they should work hard at it as well. Yeah. So free time is a good thing. We do need time to be bored. Out of boredom comes good creativity and imagination. But like you're saying, as they get older, they need to be put more to work as well.
- [14:17]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Yeah, yeah. And you mentioned having, you know, you kind of have a family business since your husband has. You both have your own ventures that they can help in. And that's what we've had our oldest kids do is help in the business. I heard someone recently say, like, they don't only want their kids to work in their business because they want them to go like carve their own path. I'm like, that actually makes. Not that I ever expected they would just work for my business forever. It's nice little teenager job. But it got me thinking that I do, I do really want that for, for them. Like I want to. Something that this person was talking about was, especially as homeschool parents, figuring out like a path for their kids and helping them find a path. And we're, you know, our boys are all really young right now still, but we're trying to observe who they are and think about how we could Help them find a path that would suit them because everybody's different.
- [15:13]
Rebecca Lovell
Right? Yeah, I think that's, I think mentors are important. Yeah, yeah, mentors. So my younger son right now, well, actually the past few years, I mean he's held onto it. He wants to be a fighter pilot. And so we know someone in our community who actually did that 10, 15 years ago. So we're, you know, periodically linking him up with him, letting him ask questions, telling him what books to read, just hearing stories from him, wisdom. And my older wants to be an author, so we've also put him in the way of mentorship as well. So. Yeah, you want those other influences on them that can lead them and shape them as well. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, good thinking. Yeah.
- [15:57]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
And the work piece with boys, that's I think something that our education system we don't think much about. Like you kind of, you're in school until you're ready to work. And they don't necessarily always overlap. And we also have a lot of boys who can't sit still who have a lot of trouble learning. Do you feel like that's, that's kind of connected?
- [16:19]
Rebecca Lovell
Totally connected, yeah. And I think boys in the systems are rewarded for just, you know, being treated, labeled as dysfunctional girls basically that finally they just get tired of fighting and they're medicated or they're just flat. They go on mute and they realize, well, that helps them get through the day of more institutionalized learning. Some schools are different. Awesome. I'm just speaking in generalities, but yeah, yeah, I think if we could work with boys to use their energy in such good ways, maybe even if they're not homeschooled and they're coming home doing homework, then it's short study time. And then run outside or you know, go play with the dog or climb a tree, you know, read a book, something, then come back to your work. So it's not just they're over scheduled and over managed every moment. Right. So they do need some time to. Yeah. Work hard, but also play hard as well.
- [17:23]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
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- [17:53]
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- [18:14]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Yes. Now, what about boys? Who. This is one of the audience questions are maybe a little bit more resistant or maybe more naturally lazy. The question was, how do you address chronic whining, resistance or laziness in boys, especially when it comes to chores and family responsibilities?
- [18:33]
Rebecca Lovell
Yeah, that's good. So I taught a class of boys at our co op for a few years too. So this is how I've handled groups and my own sons. Kind of a funny approach, but my husband was in the military, so we do push ups and I would even get down and do push ups with them too. So if there's a lot of whining, complaining, laziness, you're going to do push ups. If I hear more complaints, there's going to be more or we can double your chores. So if it's a problem you don't like xyz, we'll just do that and a little bit more because, you know, you chose to bring us into the chaos instead of contribute to the family. So I don't think it's a heartless approach. I think it's good to just be cold, hard math there because if they're going to have a big emotional response that is really negative, we don't want to drag the whole family down with that. Right. So we just want to address it. All right, well, you did this, so this is the consequence and let's move on. So that way we avoid yelling or getting angry at them or, you know, lashing out in any way. It's just, well, this is what you do because you did this.
- [19:40]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
So.
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Rebecca Lovell
And then move on.
- [19:41]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Yep.
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Rebecca Lovell
So then they, they learn the whining doesn't get anywhere. It's not productive. They work harder if they whine. So I think it would end faster and sooner. Yeah.
- [19:52]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Yep.
- [19:53]
Rebecca Lovell
Yes.
- [19:53]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
I, we, we, we do a lot of push ups too. My, that's been something my husband's done with, with the boys a lot. Like, all right, push ups. He also puts up climbing ropes and like, gives them a lot of opportunity for fitness. I think that helps them to get out a lot of that energy. Now, one thing that another audience question is, you know, obviously not all boys are the same. Some are more sensitive. What's the difference between healthy sensitivity and Unhealthy fragility in boys. And how do we strengthen the latter without hardening their hearts?
- [20:29]
Rebecca Lovell
That's good. Yeah. So I'm thinking about my husband's business. It's called Warrior Poet Society. So it is really set in tune with how a successful man can be what he calls both warrior and poet. So you can still be strong, a leader, a protector, a defender of truth, a provider, one day our future men. But you also need to have a big heart. You also need to, you know, be sad for what's sad and protect those who need protecting and be a good lover of those around you. So I don't think it's a bad thing to have a really big heart until it's whole. Holding them back until I think maybe it makes them fearful. You know, I think it's. It's good when they're young if. If they see a, you know, like a bird outside and the bird is dead, that is sad, you know, and it depends on their age. But we cry with them and bury the bird and, you know, it just depends on their age and the circumstance. As they start to get older, they learn. Well, birds die. It's a part of life. But if they're still stuck in a maybe a response that isn't as healthy, then you could address it then. But we do always want their heart to be big and to nurture that, you know, so that they are caring. So when we want daring and heroic boys, we don't turn off their hearts and their emotional response. It just matures as they get older, they can handle more. And a lot of that also comes from just growing up and being loved by your family and yeah, just learning about God as well. Because God is such a good father that he sees what makes us sad at any age, but he can also help us grow so that we can handle more as well.
- [22:20]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Yeah. Yeah, that's good. How have you handled this isn't on our outline, but it's just something I'm curious about because so many boys really love, like, I don't know what part of boy makes them love video games, but how have you handled, like, video games and screens in general in your family?
- [22:41]
Rebecca Lovell
So we have very limited screen time. A typical rule is they can play video games if it's raining or it's some kind of reward for something, but it's still on a very strict timer. So they're never playing alone. It always has to be them together so that it's not just a zone out zombie thing. And they're never Playing unlimited for hours at a time and they never even play for a few days in a row. So it's something that they get to participate in. You know, they could talk about it with their friends, like the same game or whatever, but it's nothing that would take over their life or that they would get lost in that. They start to just find reward in that. You know, boys love reward, they love risk, they want adventure. But when it starts to be in that alternate reality world. Yeah, there's your problem. You gotta pull back some there.
- [23:40]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Yeah, I think it's just such low hanging fruit. For all those things you just mentioned. The, the risk, the reward. They can get all of that without having to go do anything. Like it's the path of least resistance. And it is for the parents too.
- [23:53]
Rebecca Lovell
Sure.
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Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
So many times they're going to, you're gonna have to like if they're feeling maybe a little down or they're not feeling particularly creative or motivated, unless you're going to say, hey, get on this video game. That'll help you kind of like achieve all the things you want to artificially. If you don't do that, you have to like come up with something to help them. Like, okay, well what if you, you know, sometimes you're going to have to like set something up for them. I've been thinking more and more about that lately. Like how can I create something that's real that will fulfill this same thing that'll make you know that a video game would make you instantly have like what could we, you know, what could we set up that you could work on or you could go have fun, like adventuring, that kind of stuff. I think that's, I think that's where we fall into this. I think it's easier when you live on like a home set or a farm versus if you don't like trying to create that is maybe a bit more challenging.
- [24:54]
Rebecca Lovell
Yeah. When we lived in the suburbs, we luckily lived maybe 5, 10 minutes from a park. We would go there all the time so I could see them even at a distance. I'd let them run, play in the woods. You know, they'd have little adventures out there. We'd stay for hours, we'd take snacks, then we'd go to the playground and meet up. So yeah, we were still trying to get that play outside, be bored outside time. But then for indoors, you're right. Sometimes you're like, well, what should I tell them to do? Well, when younger it's fun just to make a blanket fort or get out Games out of the game closet. Play a board game, Make a board game. We had this craft cart. It was all these drawers of paper and glue and gosh forbid, glitter and pipe cleaners and paper bags. And I'm like, make something, you know, or we, we always wanted to. Yeah. Encourage them to make and imagine and do their own things sometimes too. Yeah. Imaginary worlds. Yeah.
- [25:55]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
I find that littler kids, especially little boys, have been a lot easier on like the inside in town entertainment because there's just so many things I can get them into and get them excited about. And then the older girls, they have lots of hobbies that they love that are indoors. So that's always been easy. I'm. I'm particularly like the older boys, especially like right now because we're building a house. So we're living in town for a little short time while we're building on our farm. And it's been winter and other than like when it snows and they can go out and like shovel driveways and stuff, that, that has been more of a challenge than I expected. And it makes me really feel for moms that have older boys, but they don't necessarily have a homestead, a farm. I could see how you could start to really rely on like certain screens, like video games, because they have like boundless energy and you don't even know like what to tell them to do with it. Like you said, if you have access to a park even that you have to, they have to sit in that uncomfortable space of I'm a little older, like, what am I gonna do with that? You know, I don't know. Can you speak to that all? It's, it's been a, like, I know you're currently living on a homestead and I did before, and then we have this short time we're in town and it's a, it's a challenge.
- [27:27]
Rebecca Lovell
Absolutely. Yeah. So I was just thinking, my boys are also at the age where we're assigning them workouts. So even if you have just a little bit of room or basement or just some area, the living room floor, I don't know where they go through this list. And they have the push ups, something they could do the pull up bar on. And they're doing the sit ups and they're lifting, you know, the isolated weights and they're doing all these things. So that takes up a good 30 minutes or more. That's the employee, employee exhaust there. Also we've got them in jiu jitsu, so we're not huge sports people. We've always restricted it to just one sport. We did soccer forever, and then they aged out. But as they get older. Yeah, learning to fight and wrestle has been really good for them. So they go to jiu jitsu once or twice a week and they're wrestling with boys their age and older, their size and bigger, smaller. So that's been really good because they're getting that contact sport. They're getting the energy out, and they're learning a useful skill as well. So. And then, like you said, when they can get out and just run out some energy doing something, whether it's the snow shoveling or mine are working on, like, tree for building right now. It's just good to put them to work with something because you're right, the digital space is calling and it is tempting and it is a strong distraction. Right.
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Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
And it's easy.
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Rebecca Lovell
It's easy. Yeah.
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Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Yeah. The weather's gotten a little bit better, and so we've been spending like, a ton of time at our build site. And there's. They have what they call kid town out in the woods where they, like, build all these teepees. And that works great.
- [29:11]
Rebecca Lovell
Yeah.
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Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
And then I have. I have some boys that are sporty, and I have some that kind of. They don't really like. Like that kind of thing. And so there's just a lot of, like, I feel like I need to set some of them up on, like, a creative job of sorts or help them find something like that. That's something I'm noticing as they become, you know, we're about to start having a new teenage boy every other year for the foreseeable future.
- [29:40]
Rebecca Lovell
Yeah.
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Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
So, yeah.
- [29:41]
Rebecca Lovell
Yeah. They're not all going to be the same. So. Yeah. As I mentioned, my older loves to write, so he'll write creative stories that occupies him a lot. And then my younger is still doing GI Joes, but he'll take that outside with firecrackers and, you know, reenact World War II things.
- [29:59]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
So some that would definitely do that.
- [30:01]
Rebecca Lovell
Every kid is different and what they're interested in, we support and we cheer them on and we find them new ways to. To lean into it as well. Yeah, yeah.
- [30:10]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
They're so different. I. That's what I've. I've noticed is I have. They. They have certain things about them that I'm. I can see that are very similar, but then the way that they express that is very, very different. And yeah, some of them are. It's like almost some of them. It's more a challenge than others. Some Little boys or even like older boys will just sit there and like, you know, hit trucks together and like, like you said, reenact the wars with their little GI Joes and all that. And some boys are more complicated than that. That's what I've learned. Yes, absolutely.
- [30:44]
Rebecca Lovell
Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no cookie cutter boy. That's right. But they do share a lot of the same loves. Yeah. For that adventure and yeah. They like to measure themselves and, and see. Yeah. How they measure up in life. They want to take on something big. Even if they seem flat and unmotivated at the time, the desire is there to fight the dragons and conquer the kingdom and whatever that may look like. If they're young and they're still in capes and doing swords to being older and it's almost time to fight the dragon, win the girl. That desire is there in a boy's heart.
- [31:23]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
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- [32:25]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Okay, so you were talking about measuring up. What are practical ways to cultivate brotherly love and reduce rivalry between boys close in age?
- [32:35]
Rebecca Lovell
I love that. Yeah. Mine are 19 months apart, so I'm there. One thing we've done which is kind of crazy, we've made them share a room. They don't have to, but we've made it happen. So they're always going to be roommates and like I've mentioned, they're pretty different and it's really preparing them for life, I think. But it really works out most of the time, you know, besides just the typical, hey, this is my space not yours issue. It does make them more understanding of each other and I think that they do better conflict resolution because they're always together even though they do have a long time when needed, they're learning how to communicate and how to compromise in a really good way. And then like we've been talking about interest, we support them in what they're interested in and they see that they're very different and they've learned to cheer each other on because we're cheering them on. So we've got good friends who, they're brothers and I asked them for advice and his statement was this, don't compare and don't compete. So that was his advice as a grown up brother to my boys is don't compare. You know each other, how you're wired. It's going to be a little different if one is interested in this one's in that and don't compete. Right. So like friendly contests we do, you know, like how much can you read in a month or you know, how fast can you run that? That stuff is good. You can compete with that. And boys like to compete actually. But when it's like really ambitious, hey, I'm better than you. That's the kind of competition we stop, we put a halt to.
- [34:21]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that can be tricky. Not, you know, because that's a heart issue like wanting bad for your brother so that you look better. That's not, you know, that's, that's something you don't want to foster. And I think by parents by comparing them on certain things where just one is clearly just been gifted with better, you know, at a certain thing. Yeah, yeah, you don't want to, you don't want to foster that. Now ultimately, the journey of raising boys leads them to becoming the provider and protector for their own family. How can parents best help them reach their full potential and fulfill God's calling on their lives and help them figure all of that out.
- [35:03]
Rebecca Lovell
That's good. Well, we've talked about good family rhythms. We've talked about mentors. I would also say just having a strong family unit, so making the extra effort to have meals together at least a few nights a week. You're not running different crazy sports schedules or activity schedules. You're actually sitting down face to face. Dad is pouring into them, especially if you're a single mom listening, maybe grandpa or uncle or a trusted coach or friend, some kind of father figure. Especially as they're getting older, mom is stepping back more and dad is more front and center, leading them into manhood so meals together, and I would say something as simple as reading together. We've really become a reading family. We have a love for books. We love the library. We love used bookstores. Some of our favorite possessions are old books we're super nerdy about. But through, you know, the books and the reading aloud, we've really spent a lot of time together. Maybe for your family, it's games or, you know, you cheer on your favorite football team or you're really into camping. Whatever it is, just making family memories a priority is really good because these boys are going to need that solid foundation and that confidence that they're loved and they're supported as they're going through so many changes. Yeah.
- [36:29]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Yep. You and I are both about to embark on, like, all the teenage years. I'm sure there's moms who are listening, who are like, I don't like the. Like, you just wait. But I'm sure there's a certain level of a you just wait coming on. Right. Like, we're just.
- [36:44]
Rebecca Lovell
All of.
- [36:44]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
You know, I can't. When they start driving and all of that, I'm already there with my girls. But, yeah, I. In some ways, I'm looking forward to it for some of my boys because I feel like they have, like, such a desire to, like, go and do things on their own. But then they have these ideas that I'm like, you really can't do that yet. Like, you're just. Society won't accept you like that yet. Like, you can't go out and do that thing because you're too little. And in some ways, I'm like, that might actually make things a little bit easier when they can actually go pursue all the big ideas that they want to pursue. But at this current time, like, I have to hold them back a little bit because they really actually truly can't do it. I don't know if you know what I'm saying, but there's some of my kids. I'm really actually kind of looking forward to it.
- [37:32]
Rebecca Lovell
That's good. Yeah. So that they're more of a driven mentality. And one thing we kind of touched on but didn't really get into is like. Like starting a business that could be really good for kids. If it's a special skill they have that they can profit off of or some product, I think that's really good for boys, too, in so many ways. They see independence, hard work that pays off, saving money. Yeah. Yeah. Cause and effect, all that stuff is really good with that as well. So maybe if they're wanting to get out and do stuff they're not able to do yet. Meeting them where they're at, somehow finding them a skill or a product that they can. Yeah. Put themselves to work with. Right. That I have been.
- [38:19]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Yeah, that's been on my mind a lot lately with one of my boys. Like, he just needs something to always be working on because his brain moves a lot faster than the average person's, like, than everybody else in the whole family. And so he needs, like, something like, he's got to do something. And all the ideas he has are like, you can't do that yet. Like, you can't even drive, so you can't. Like, we're not gonna be able to, you know, take you to go do. It's. It's just, like, businesses he wants to start that you would need to be able to actually get around to do that. And, yeah, I'm like, I need to get you some kind of gig that you can do daily. I love that. Every day.
- [39:01]
Rebecca Lovell
Yeah, I love that. That's so good, because when the opposite is true, it's really hard. When moms are son is so unmotivated, you know, he doesn't want to do anything. So, yeah, you've got a really good challenge there, is figuring out, all right, you want to do everything. How do we engineer this?
- [39:20]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
I guess it's the better problem to have. We really said that about this one. We're like, I think this will pay off in the end. But it's hard as a kid.
- [39:27]
Rebecca Lovell
Yeah.
- [39:27]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
It's a hard dynamic.
- [39:29]
Rebecca Lovell
It feels like it's. Yeah. You're raising a grown man already sometimes under your roof. Yep.
- [39:34]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
He's.
- [39:34]
Rebecca Lovell
He's ready to.
- [39:35]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Exactly.
- [39:36]
Rebecca Lovell
To launch.
- [39:37]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
It does feel like that. And under. I mean, not unfortunately, because I don't want to say it like that, but, like, he's got a long way to be under us before he can go do that. So I think, yeah, it's interesting because they are just so different. I have other ones that that won't be. And not that they're not motivated, just not to this level.
- [39:59]
Rebecca Lovell
Right.
- [40:00]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
You know, trying to figure out what to do with. It's like, mental energy. It's not as much of, like, the physical like some of my boys. It's like you said, go do a workout. Go climb a rope, go, you know, run around the property five times. This one's not like that. It's. It's like the brain's going all the time.
- [40:19]
Rebecca Lovell
I love it. I love it. That's good. That's good. Yes.
- [40:23]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Okay, so one question we had from the audience was, how do you teach safety and discernment to adventurous little boys who seem unaware of danger?
- [40:33]
Rebecca Lovell
Oh, that's great. So, yeah, having those important conversations so, you know, eye to eye, just a few minutes, depending on the age, because their attention span is very short. But letting them know, hey, if you do this, this could really happen. And we need you to be careful, you know, so it depends on the age and stage. Right. When they're young, they're probably not going to have a lot of sharp tools. They don't need to jump off the roof, but they can climb the tree a little higher and they can go to the top of the slide and come down without. Without help. And they can go a little further than just being right under your coattails. Right. So they need those little incremental moves away from you, but they do need to hear the real dangers. But then once they've heard it, we don't want to harp on it all the time. Right. So that we want them to still have the freedom to take those risks and make mistakes. But we would like our children to have all their fingers, toes, and both eyes. That would be great because mine's always done the stick fighting. And I'm like, guys, really, with the two eyes, you only get two. Yeah, well.
- [41:49]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
And no matter what you do, like, you only get to be in full control of your children for just, like, a couple years. Like, you can. You can kind of do that. And then you start to realize, like, you could say everything. You can tell them, this is what we do, this is what we don't do. You know, this is safe. This is not safe. Ultimately, they're going to go, and there's no guarantee either. Like, you could do all of that. You could put every rule in place. Then eventually they're going to go do their own thing and still something bad could happen, you know, and.
- [42:21]
Rebecca Lovell
Right.
- [42:21]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
That's just.
- [42:21]
Rebecca Lovell
We have to leave them in the hands of God. That's right. That's right. Because we don't want to suffocate them and micromanage and helicopter parent and. Yeah, at the end of the day, they belong to God, not us. But we do want to train them accordingly and to act wisely if. If they're thinking wisely at the moment, hopefully.
- [42:41]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Yeah, we'll. We'll tell them all we can. But there's only so much we have to be realistic about that I think we tend to forget that we're like, well, if you. You Know, don't let them do this. And like. Yeah, well, you know, we'll. We'll do our best, but it's. At some point, there's just only so much that you can actually do, so.
- [43:00]
Rebecca Lovell
Yes. And I think there is the kind of boy. Sometimes I can spot them. It feels like that they've been told no maybe a thousand times, and they just quit trying. They. They do become just kind of flat and muted and kind of blah because they're like, well, everything's risky and dangerous. And I'm just gonna sit here. I'm just gonna stand here. You know, there's. There's nothing good out there anyway.
- [43:23]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Yeah, that's sad. Yeah.
- [43:25]
Rebecca Lovell
It's something you want to balance, you know, you really want to balance danger with risk.
- [43:30]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Yeah. And it might be hard to know if you're. How you're doing on that. You know, I don't know. Living in community can help seeing how other. Yes. Moms, older moms, approach certain things and how that's worked out for them, because I think that's sometimes eye opening when you're around other families and you're like, oh, maybe I should, like, let up a little bit on this certain thing, thinking that that's, like, what everybody's doing. Yeah, that might be.
- [43:55]
Rebecca Lovell
Yeah. One thing I'm pretty adamant about myself is letting boys wrestle. So I've had people ask me, my boy is always, you know, wanting to hit me with a foam sword, and he's jumping on me, and I'm like, awesome. He. He should be attacking you. This is great. Let's wrestle. Let's play. You know, if it's with you and dad and siblings, that's great. Now if it's a tiny sibling, of course not. We're not going to hurt other kids. But boys need to test their strength. They need to rough house. They need to rough and tumble like that. And I do know a lot of moms that will not allow it. And I do believe it stunts them in a way that is not good for them or. Yeah, I think boys should be allowed to be rough with each other.
- [44:40]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Yeah, we definitely allow that. And my sister has six sons as well. And so they're all, like, jumbled together 12 and under. And so it's so funny because when we're around other people, like, they'll just go at it and people. Oh. And I'm like, oh, no, that's fine. Like, you know, you find that we're both like, we don't stress over things because we're just so Used to it. But when you're not around it all the time around boys getting together, you might not, you know, realize that's just kind of normal behavior and it turns out fine. Yeah.
- [45:14]
Rebecca Lovell
Or if. If you only have one son and then you have daughters as well, then. Yeah. Get your boy together with other boys that he can wrestle. Going back to that fragility you asked about, you know, when. When is he too fragile? If he's scared to wrestle other boys his same size, that's probably too fragile. He needs to be able to get in there and play.
- [45:34]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
What do you even do about that? Like, that would be such a challenge if you didn't have other boys. Like how on a regular basis would you even. I guess just find. You got to find some friends, get
- [45:45]
Rebecca Lovell
together, play dates, get in there with cousins. Yeah, yeah. Find some good time that they can roll around together. There was even a break last Christmas. I was part of this message board that it was just called Boys Park Group and someone had organized it and it supposed to be just for pickup soccer, but it was hilarious. We. We look around. We've been there maybe 20 minutes, the moms and I, and they were all just in a heap wrestling. It was wonderful. They were just out there wrestling. Yep. That's what they wanted to do.
- [46:19]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
They get, they get right on it. They know just what to do, don't they? They do, yeah. I remember when I first met my husband, his little brother. I grew up with three sisters, so I never was around boys at all. And his little brother was 14 years younger and he was just a little kid, you know. And I remember when you go over to his parents house, like first thing, they'd start wrestling. I'm like, what is this? They're 14 years apart and they still, you know, they still wrestle. Yeah. Super funny. All right, well, tell the listeners about your book, where to find it, what it could, you know, help them learn.
- [46:57]
Rebecca Lovell
Great. Yeah. Boyhood Resurrected is available on Amazon, the publisher's website, Lion Press, or my website, boyhood resurrected.com. it will help you gain confidence to let your boy have the kind of boyhoods of ages past where he is free to rough and tumble. Live up to how God has wired him and how he's been designed to one day become that good protector, provider, leader, lover. Also, the audiobook is coming out soon. It's in production now. So that's one more option. If you don't have time to read, you can just have a quick listen while you're doing something else.
- [47:36]
Lisa from Farmhouse on Boone
Yeah. Awesome. All right. Well, thank you so much. We'll leave that all linked in the description box or show notes below, depending on where you're listening to this. Thank you so much. Rebecca thanks thanks as always for listening to the Simple Farmhouse House Life podcast. My husband Luke and I and our kids work together side by side on our farm in Missouri and use our blog, podcast and YouTube channel to reach other homemakers, home cooks and homesteaders with practical recipes in daily family life. For everyday sourdough recipes, make sure to check out our blog farmhouse on Boone.com and to dig deeper, we do also offer a course called Simple Sourdough over at Bit lynch by Farmhouse Sourdough Course. All one word. We also teach people how to ferment vegetables and mill their own grains through our courses, Fresh Ferments and Freshly Milled Grains. We will leave links for all of that down in the show notes below.
- [48:55]
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