Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb & Gretchen Rubin
Episode: Dear Therapists: Jason’s Alcoholic Father
Date: December 16, 2025
Host: Lemonada Media — Shared episode from Dear Therapists with Lori Gottlieb and Guy Winch
Overview:
This episode features a session with Jason, a 42-year-old man grappling with how much he owes his aging, abusive, and alcoholic parents—especially his father, who left deep emotional scars. Now with a wife and children of his own, Jason struggles with guilt, detachment, and sadness, seeking guidance to resolve how to manage family relationships while protecting his own well-being.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Jason’s Background: Abusive Childhood & Estrangement
- Jason’s Letter (04:46–06:28):
- Raised in a physically and emotionally abusive, alcoholic home.
- Most vivid painful memory: father spat in his face at age 12 over a misunderstanding about car keys.
- Parents have never acknowledged harm; father’s behavior remains unchanged.
- Interactions are limited to a few visits per year at Jason’s home; always stressful.
- Brothers struggles (addiction, dysfunction) echo the parental cycle.
- Jason feels guilty for his lack of attachment but is troubled by his lack of desire to maintain contact.
2. Societal Pressures & Grief for Lost Family Connections
- Gretchen & Lori’s Framing (06:28–07:32):
- The societal expectation to be close to parents despite personal history.
- The unique sadness and “orphan” feeling for adults who realize they’ll never have a typical parental bond.
3. Session with Jason: Guilt, Emotional Blunting, and “The War”
a. Emotional Distance & Guilt
- Jason’s Reflection (11:40–13:38):
- Acts from obligation vs. genuine connection.
- Feels sadness, more than guilt, for not being close to parents; sees his friends with supportive parents and feels a sense of loss.
b. Trauma’s Somatic Legacy
- What Childhood Felt Like (13:47–15:00):
- “Always feeling tense…scared…just never knew when he [father] was going to explode.”
- Achievement became a means for Jason to try to create self-worth.
c. Parent-Child Roles and Sibling Dynamics
- Brother’s Coping vs. Jason’s (16:32–22:04):
- Jason sought achievement; brother turned to drugs/alcohol.
- Brother maintains a relationship with parents through shared drinking.
- Brother’s resentment is discussed—not against their father, but projected onto Jason due to parental comparisons.
d. Revisiting the Abuse
- The Key Incident (22:24–27:06):
- Father’s physical and emotional abuse, culminating in the “car key”/spitting event.
- Jason’s attempt in adulthood to confront parents—father responds with a defensive, unaccountable 10-page letter listing his “positive acts,” denying any wrongdoing.
- “He’s just like, ‘I don’t remember that.’ That was kind of like to me, ‘Okay, I don’t need to try anymore because you’re going to continue with this behavior.’” (27:06)
4. Numbing, Repressed Anger, and Grief Work
a. Inability to Access Anger
- Difficulties Expressing Feelings (29:01–34:34):
- Fear that expressing anger will turn to rage, like his father.
- Realization: “I am angry…but my barometer for anger…is skewed.”
- Lori: “For you, anger looks like violence.”
- Exercise: Giving voice to childhood anger ("I hate you!"), recognizing it’s normal for children to feel this but hard to express.
b. Parenting, Avoiding Repetition of Trauma
- Jason as a Father (40:31–41:08):
- Handles his children’s anger patiently and warmly—a corrective to his upbringing:
“Those moments…it makes me so happy…I’m proud of myself. That’s the kind of treatment I would have wanted.”
- Handles his children’s anger patiently and warmly—a corrective to his upbringing:
c. Difficulty Embracing Joy and Peacetime
- Persistent Tension (45:45–48:18):
- Despite a loving family, Jason finds it hard to fully settle in and enjoy life, constantly battling internalized negative messages from his father.
- The “unreality” of happiness: “Is this real? Is this going to last?”
d. Parental Guilt and Managing Contact
- Supervised Parenting/Grandparenting (53:04–54:31):
- Jason only sees his parents in controlled settings.
- Children like grandparents, but Jason cannot relax; remains vigilant, always waiting for the “other shoe to drop.”
5. Intergenerational Trauma & The Path to Healing
- Rooting the Cycle (62:14–64:04):
- Guy and Lori note: Jason has made a conscious break from generational patterns, even if he has yet to feel at peace.
- Recognize that father feels shame, which likely prevents him from ever apologizing.
- Emotional inheritance discussed—Jason is “the one who stopped” the intergenerational trauma.
Therapist Guidance & Homework for Jason
Advice from Lori & Guy (65:19–68:13)
- End the War Ritual:
- Create a symbolic ritual with his wife to mark “peacetime” in his life—signifying the end of his family’s war narrative.
- “Come up with some kind of ritual in which you and your wife know that you are celebrating the fact that you’ve ended the war and you’ve done it really successfully.” (67:24)
- Feelings Exercise:
- Write down three childhood incidents that were painful, with two columns: Anger & Sadness.
- For each, allow his “inner child” to fully express how he felt—no editing.
- Spend time weekly experiencing joy, resuming personal hobbies he has neglected.
- Responding to Guilt:
- When parents attempt to guilt him for not spending time, remember: “just because somebody sends guilt doesn’t mean you have to accept delivery…you don’t have to sign for the package.” (70:45)
Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)
-
On Emotional Distance:
“I love them simply because they are my parents. That’s where it ends.” — Jason (05:13) -
On Numbing and Anger:
“You numb out what you’re feeling…you don’t have any access to what you’re feeling.” — Lori (33:22) -
On Legacy of Abuse:
“I was the same innocent kid. I didn’t deserve any of that.” — Jason (31:09) -
On Healing as a Parent:
"Those moments...it makes me so happy where I'm like, I'm proud of myself. That's the kind of treatment that I would have wanted." — Jason (41:04) -
On Guilt Packages:
“Just because somebody sends guilt doesn’t mean you have to accept delivery. You don’t have to sign for the package.” — Lori (70:45) -
On The War Metaphor:
“Maybe the realization hasn’t filtered in yet, that the war is over.” — Guy (50:38) -
On Intergenerational Trauma:
“There’s an emotional inheritance…that gets passed down…until somebody puts a stop to it…You are that person in your family.” — Lori (64:40)
Follow-Up: Jason’s Update (77:27–81:05)
- Despite a stressful week (moving, wife’s grandfather passing), Jason completed his rituals:
- Developed a new “mantra” that “the war is over, and we’re in peacetime now.”
- Journaling about childhood—challenging but insightful; plans to continue the practice.
- Interactions with his mother felt less charged using this mindset.
- Profound gratitude for the tools and new sense of hope.
Final Therapist Reflections
- “He was the one who got to declare [the war] to be over.” — Lori (82:06)
- “It’s easier to get through the stresses of life when you’re not in a war.” — Lori (81:52)
Key Timestamps for Reference
- [04:46] Jason’s letter
- [13:04] Jason explores sadness/guilt
- [22:24] Key incident retelling (“car keys”/spitting)
- [29:01] Struggles with numbness and anger
- [41:04] Jason on being a “different” parent
- [45:45] Difficulty inhabiting joy/“peacetime”
- [65:19] Therapists give homework
- [77:27] Jason’s follow-up and integration
Tone and Language
The tone throughout is compassionate, validating, and gently challenging, with Lori and Guy carefully supporting Jason in both expressing difficult emotions and recognizing the progress he’s made in breaking dysfunctional family patterns. Jason’s language is honest, occasionally self-deprecating, and searching; he often expresses difficulty with acknowledging anger and remains determined to change for his own children.
Summary
This is a deeply empathetic and practical episode for anyone grappling with family trauma, estrangement, or legacy guilt, especially around caregiving for “difficult” parents. It offers a roadmap for breaking cycles, setting boundaries, and giving oneself permission to embrace joy in adulthood.
End of Summary