Do Adult Children Need to Know About a Parent’s Affair? Plus: Is It Selfish Not to Share Food You Order With Significant Others?

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Do Adult Children Need to Know About a Parent’s Affair? Plus: Is It Selfish Not to Share Food You Order With Significant Others?"

Podcast: Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin
Episode Date: May 26, 2026
Host: Lemonada Media

---

Overview

This episode delves into two very different, but deeply relatable, dilemmas:

1. Should adult children be told about a parent's long-past infidelity discovered only after the parent’s death?
2. Is it selfish (or normal) not to want to share food—like fries or dessert—with your significant other, even after giving them the chance to order their own?

Using their signature blend of listener letters, community wisdom, and expert reflection, therapist Laurie Gottlieb and happiness researcher Gretchen Rubin unpack these questions with empathy, directness, and humor.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

---

1. Should Adult Children Be Told About a Deceased Parent’s Affair?

[06:24–17:41]

The Listener’s Dilemma

• Scenario: A listener’s husband died suddenly seven years ago. Weeks later, she discovered he'd had a two-year affair. Their children (now late 20s) were then in college. She wonders: Should she ever tell her children, or continue to protect their father's legacy? She’s concerned they may discover journals or letters after she’s gone ([07:29]).
• Central Tension:
  • Is silence protecting the children, or denying them honesty and the ability to understand their family?
  • What do we owe to children versus what is private within a marriage?

Laurie & Gretchen Unpack the Complexity

• Purposes for Disclosure: Laurie frequently returns to this question: What is your purpose in telling them? Is it for their benefit, your own healing, or to preempt a more painful accidental discovery? ([09:21], [15:46])
• Privacy vs. Secrecy:
  • Laurie: “What are parents really obligated to discuss about their marriage with people outside the marriage? This, to me, is a marital issue.” ([11:19])
  • Gretchen: “A secret can be toxic, but then there is healthy privacy.” ([11:01])
• Journals and Letters:
  • Value of journaling as healing; apprehension about posthumous discovery ([09:46])
  • Option to include will provisions requesting journals be destroyed ([10:14])

The Legacy & The Risk

• If children discover the truth after your death, is this more damaging than telling them now?
  • Gretchen: “If they come out accidentally, they can come out in a very explosive, hurtful way. Sometimes you’re better off choosing your time wisely...” ([13:00])
  • Laurie: “If they find it after I pass and have no one to process this with...that’s such a tricky question. This is exactly why people think that a secret is between the person...But it involves so many people.” ([13:36])

No One-Size-Fits-All Answer

• “There’s no right answer to what to do here.” ([14:48])
• Focus on the mother’s healing: “As she gets further along in kind of processing her own grief and the betrayal, she might get more clear on how she wants to handle it with the kids, as time goes by.” ([15:46])
• Possible strategies:
  • Destroy all evidence if you truly want the secret kept ([09:46])
  • Instruct in your will/journal what you want done with private writings ([10:14])
  • Leave a letter explaining your decision, to be read only after your death ([16:22])

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Laurie: “I think when people really suffer the most is when they have this kind of incomplete, ambiguous grief around secrets where they don’t really have the person that they need to talk to available anymore.” ([16:45])
• Gretchen: “So many questions! This goes to boundaries, which is: What is honesty? What is oversharing? What is privacy? What do parents owe children? What do children owe parents?” ([11:01])
• Laurie: “Your healing is really your task. It’s not your children’s task to manage.” ([11:57])

---

2. Wisdom of the Crowd: Food Sharing in Relationships

[21:58–32:57]

The Listener’s Dilemma (“The Fries Incident”)

• Scenario: Maggie and her girlfriend went out. Maggie asked repeatedly if her girlfriend wanted fries; she said no. When the fries arrived, the girlfriend wanted to “split” them. Maggie resisted, feeling her boundaries were crossed. Was she being “selfish”?
  • “Am I being rigid here or is this just one of those say-what-you-want-the-first-time situations?” ([21:58])

Community Responses

• Poll Results:
  • “Should you always share food?” 35% Yes, 65% No ([23:13])
• Surveyed Wisdom:
  • Laura: “I am like Joey in Friends. Joey didn't share his fries.” ([23:13])
  • Christine: “It's absolutely okay to not want to share … but never assume what others want.” ([24:09])
  • Jean: “Dessert is always shared. So that's just a philosophy.” ([25:13])
  • Polly: “Follow the lead of the person. If they're wanting to give you just a few fries, back off after that.” ([25:46])
  • Deborah: “Depends entirely upon who I'm dining with … I believe it has to do with the particular person and their relationship with food and how it jives with mine.” ([26:11])
  • Darlene: “Always try to be kind. Other than that, there’s very few hard and fast rules.” ([26:36])

Laurie & Gretchen Reflect

• Fries as Metaphor: The debate isn’t really just about fries—food boundaries often reflect deeper relationship patterns or unmet emotional needs.
• Gretchen: “One of the most popular loopholes is, this doesn’t count...if I order it, it counts, if I have a bite of yours, it doesn’t.” ([26:55])
• Laurie: “Maybe it isn’t the only instance in their relationship where something like this happens, where Maggie tries to be clear…and the partner says one thing, but then means another thing… That’s a pattern.” ([28:05])
• Different Assumptions:
  • Gretchen: “I want to see proof that we’re in this together, that we’re sharing, that we’re a team, that what’s mine is yours, what’s yours is mine. That’s what, to me, being in a close relationship means. And Maggie is thinking, no that’s not what that means…” ([28:59])
• Use Small Moments for Deeper Connection: Open, lighthearted discussion about these small incidents can illuminate larger values, past wounds, and improve communication ([30:26], [32:29]).

Notable Quotes

• Laurie: “Everybody has their own ways of what is closeness? What is individuality? How do we deal with those two things in a relationship?” ([29:33])
• Gretchen: “It's a tiny episode that can actually reveal so much.” ([32:57])

---

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• Laurie Gottlieb:
  • “What are parents really obligated to discuss about their marriage with people outside the marriage?” ([11:19])
  • “Your healing is really your task. It’s not your children’s task to manage.” ([11:57])
  • “A lot of people come into a couple with their own assumptions about what couples do…” ([29:33])
• Gretchen Rubin:
  • “So many questions! This goes to boundaries: What is honesty? What is oversharing? What is privacy?” ([11:01])
  • “A secret can be toxic, but then there is healthy privacy.” ([11:01])
  • “It’s a tiny episode that can actually reveal so much.” ([32:57])

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Listener Letters on Physical Attraction & Weight: [02:02–06:05]
• Main Dilemma - Should Children Be Told of a Parent's Affair?: [06:24–17:41]
• Wisdom of the Crowd - Food Sharing in Relationships: [21:58–32:57]

---

Conclusion & Next Episode Teaser

The episode closes with a preview of the next week's dilemma: How to support friends grieving estrangement from their adult children ([36:23]).

Final Thought: Whether the topic is secrets or fries, Gottlieb and Rubin consistently advocate for curiosity, clarity about motivation, and gentle, open-hearted communication: “A conversation always goes better when you can be lighthearted about it, even if it’s a serious topic…” ([30:26]).

---

To Weigh In or Submit Questions

Listeners are invited to submit their experiences and perspectives at sinceyouaskedpodcast.com. The best exchanges, both practical and profound, will be featured in future episodes.

---

Tone: Compassionate, engaging, practical, with light humor and deep empathy.

Transcript

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Lemonade

[Gretchen Rubin]

Amazon Health AI presents Painful Thoughts I I can't stop scratching my downtown. Mm, yeah, but I'm not itching to go downtown and tell a receptionist I'm here to talk about my downtown.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Some things you'd rather type than say out loud.

[Gretchen Rubin]

There's no question too embarrassing for Amazon Health AI. Just chat your symptoms and get virtual care. 24. 7 Healthcare just got less painful.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

My husband died suddenly in an accident seven years ago. I discovered weeks after his death that he had been having an affair for two years. My children are now in their late 20s and I am questioning if I should ever tell them about the affair.

[Gretchen Rubin]

The thing about a secret is very often they come out.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

People really suffer the most when they have this incomplete, ambiguous grief around secrets. Hi Gretchen, Hey Laurie, and hello everyone. Welcome to since youe Asked, a podcast where Gretchen and I give our best advice to listeners who are struggling with a dilemma, whether big or small. We give our perspectives and of course we include a lot of responses from our since you Asked listeners. I'm Laurie Gottlieb. I'm a psychotherapist and the author of maybe youe Should Talk to Someone. I also write the Ask the Therapist advice column for the New York Times.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, good habits, and human nature. I'm the author of many books, including the Happiness Project. This week we'll be talking about whether parents paths should be private when it comes to what their adult children know. We'll catch up on your thoughts about the question a listener asked about not feeling as attracted to a part which we talked about last season. And we will hear from you about whether sharing is really caring. But first, let's get to some updates.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Right so near the end of last season, a listener wrote in and asked a question that you all had some thoughts on. It had to do with being less attracted to your partner and it's something that of course is very hard to talk about and so we're very glad the person wrote in. As a reminder, the question was this. How do I tell my partner that my attraction to her has changed due to her weight gain? I don't wanna feel less attraction and I feel guilty for saying it, but I'd like to tell her the truth. We talked about this in depth in that episode, but you all had some thoughts and here are some of them.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Katherine wrote Regarding the person who wants to be honest about the effect of his partner's weight gain, My advice is really for the overweight partner, you can do better than Someone who values telling my truth more than they love and value you. What is the purpose of this truth telling? To explain changes in their sex life? To fire a warning shot, lose weight and we're done. I'm just being honest is often a cover for criticism or hostility. I am 100% positive that the partner knows she has gained weight and 95% certain that she fears her weight negatively affects her sexual attractiveness. There is nothing wrong about feeling this way about a partner. We all harbor reactions and impulses that are less than exemplary, and there's nothing wrong about making decisions that take these reactions into account. There are, however, many things wrong about imposing these reactions on someone you supposedly love. This is not like asking someone to change a situation or behavior that is reasonably easy to address. Bad breath, Tardiness, A rude tone, Annoying habits There is overwhelming evidence that keeping weight off via lifestyle changes is nearly impossible for the vast majority of people. Hence the popularity of GLP1s. I have battled weight issues my entire life. I remember every single comment critical of my weight ever made. If my partner told me something this cruel, this shame inducing, our relationship might not recover my dignity, certainly never would. It makes me tear up just to imagine hearing those words. So that is a very, very heartfelt response to this question.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And Rachel said, I have been struggling with this in my relationship because I absolutely adore my husband and it's not actually about his weight gain making him unattractive. It's actually more about what it represents. When I see him, it reminds me that he is struggling with his mental health. He doesn't feel great about himself and I feel sad and worried that he will never be his old self again. I just love him and I want him to be well. That's another aspect to it. We talked about that in the episode about, you know, is this a health issue? Could be a mental health issue as well.

[Gretchen Rubin]

There's a lot that's bound up in something that seems almost objective, but of course it has layers and layers of meaning. And someone who wanted to remain anonymous wrote, I was reminded of my experience from my 2018 divorce, when I began to analyze what type of light partnership I would really want. I broke it down to three beauty, sexuality, and personality. Everyone says beauty fades, but I sincerely believe all three pillars are tied together. While sexuality and beauty may decrease over time, it's the personality that holds most of the weight. How intelligent are your conversations? Does their sense of humor match yours? Do they understand you ultimately? How do they make you feel? These questions, in my opinion, shine light on how beautiful or sexual they become in your eyes. However, the road goes both ways. Are you doing the things for them that they do for you? I had a crash course in the term reciprocity in 2018. Interesting.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

So this person learned from a divorce and wanted to do something different or seek something different and also show up maybe differently in a relationship. It's a very touchy, sensitive topic.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It is. So it's great to hear so many people's perspectives. If you have something you'd like to add, get in touch at the sense you ask podcast.com as always, keep it short so it's easy to share it. We really appreciate it. We want to hear from you.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And now let's get into today's advice. At the end of last episode, we gave you this question to ponder and it reminds us a bit of the question of the deathbed secret from season two. If you remember, there was another secret where somebody was deciding what to do with something that was revealed in the last weeks of a parent's life. But in this case, it asks about what kind of disclosure we owe our children when we discover a secret. And so many people ask some version of this question, whether you're the parent or the adult child, which is how much should we know about our parents actions? How much of their lives should be private and how much should we know and why?

[Gretchen Rubin]

With all these secrets, there's just so many factors. Are they healthy? Are they on their deathbed? Is it a parent? Is it a child? Do you know more? Did you know it earlier? Does somebody else know? Do they not know? What's their relationship? It feels like there are so many variations that have a secret at the heart of it, and it's the question of what is our obligation and to whom. And to whom.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah, so here's the question. It was written by Anonymous and it goes like this. My husband died suddenly in an accident seven years ago when our children were in college. While looking for business documents, I discovered weeks after his death that he had been having an affair for two years before he died. At the time, I chose not to tell my children in their grief and only shared this with a few close friends. In the years since, I have journaled extensively about this betrayal. My children are now in their late 20s and I am questioning if I should ever tell them about the affair or continue to keep this secret and protect their father's legacy. Just last week I found another letter from the affair and am now worried that if something happens to me, my kids would learn about this from My writings or from documents that I have not yet found. Would it be better for them to hear this from me or to take the chance that they will never learn about the affair and still believe their dad was a faithful husband?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Mm.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

So complicated.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. Let's just say we are so sorry. You're in this very painful situation. Your husband dies suddenly, and then in the aftermath, you. You uncover the secret, and now you're working through it, and you're facing the question of what to tell your children. That is a really, really tough situation to be in. Yeah.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

I was asked a similar question in my Ask the Therapist column not long ago. But the father was alive and the children were young, and the parents had amicably divorced after the husband had cheated. And this woman had a bunch of friends telling her that. That you really need to tell your children the reason that you got divorced. And that was a different take on secrets. And, you know, my thought was, no, you don't. At least not now. But I think that some of what I suggested is relevant here. And part of it was I asked her, what is the purpose in telling them?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. What is your purpose? Why are you doing it?

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah, it's not as if they're gonna come across those letters right now. Cause they're not gonna be rifling through your personal things, I don't think. And the other. Are you keeping the letters that you found? And if so, what do they represent to you? Why are you keeping them? I'd be curious about that. There's the other issue, though, of course. Which is the journal.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, it's the journal. Because you could say, why don't you just go ahead and get rid of the letters that probably you found, all of them or most of them. And if you find more, you can get rid of those. But keeping a journal. I think many people really would hesitate to destroy a journal. There is something very precious and irreplaceable, and it feels like your externalized self. I think you wouldn't want to destroy a journal just to protect your children from reading it. Perhaps after you died.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah. Although I recently learned that people can add provisions in their wills that they want their journal shredded without anyone reading them.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Interesting.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Now, of course, you have to trust. You have to trust that the executor that you choose, the executor of your estate, it might be a child, it might be another party. You have to trust that person will honor that wish. But I think most people would hope to honor their loved ones wishes. If it's so explicit, please don't read these journals. It might be very hard. The temptation might be there. But I also think that there's something about putting that in your will that I think a lot of people might then say, you know what? I'm going to honor this person and protect their privacy.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So many questions. This goes to boundaries, which is, what is honesty? What is oversharing? What is privacy? What do parents owe children? What do children owe parents? A secret can be toxic, but then there is healthy privacy.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

What are parents really obligated to discuss about their marriage with people outside the marriage? This, to me, is a marital issue. This is something that happened between the parents. And, you know, there are all kinds of things that happen in a marriage. And what is the value to the children to know those details?

[Gretchen Rubin]

You know what, it's so interesting that you said that because she said their father's legacy. So clearly she is thinking about it in those terms. And you're saying, think about it within the marriage. Don't start thinking about that. It's part of the legacy.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

If the children found out, how would that benefit them? He died seven years ago. They're young adults. I'm not sure what it would do for them that would be positive in their lives. The thing about secrets is that sometimes you're left to suffer alone with something when you feel like you're protecting someone else and you want your suffering acknowledged within the family, and you want them to know, this is what your father did that hurt me. And maybe that would heal in a certain way, but maybe there are other ways to heal that don't involve bringing the children into it, because your healing is really your task. It's not your children's task to manage.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And she does say she's told a few close friends, so she does have the support of people who understand, like, the reality of the situation is she understands it. The thing about a secret is very often they come out and. And if they come out accidentally, they can come out in a very explosive, hurtful way.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Shocking.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And sometimes you're better off choosing your time wisely, choosing the situation and disclosing it in a way so that it can be much more thoughtful and considerate. Here one question is, let's say they find out by accident later. Is that going to be any worse than if you told them deliberately now, as time passes, that might soften the blow as they become further and further from the events that happened. Will their experience be any different if they found it? Let's say they found a letter that you didn't know was in the house and they found it in 10 years, would that be worse than if you sat them down and told them now?

[Laurie Gottlieb]

If they find it now or if they find it in 10 years, she's around hopefully to discuss it with them. And I think her fear is, what if they find it after I pass and then they have no one to process this with and they don't know if I knew about it? Or maybe if they find the journals, they will know that she knew about it, but if they find just a letter, they won't know if she knew about it. That's such a tricky question. This is exactly why people think that a secret is between the person, maybe that they are keeping the secret from. And that's it. It involves so many people and so there's no right answer to what to do here.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Haven't you seen many situations too where like maybe one one the children do know? Because a lot of times children do know and they're protecting their parent.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Right.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And so then it might be a

[Laurie Gottlieb]

relief to them if they already knew, it would validate what they had suspected. Or it would also make them maybe feel better that they didn't feel like they had to keep the secret from their mother. Yes, they might know, oh, dad was having this affair. We didn't want to hurt her, so we said nothing. And of course, in her grief we didn't want to let her know. So, you know, you don't know who's protecting whom.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This is tricky, right? They're all tricky.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Okay, so what's our advice? And I think that what this goes to is because there is no right answer because we don't know who knows what and who's protecting whom. And what would be a positive impact and what would not be a positive impact. I think what we really want to suggest is that you focus on your own healing. What do you need to heal? And sometimes people feel reluctant to share what they're going through because they worry about tarnishing the other person's legacy and they don't get the support that they need. So I'm glad that she told some of her friends and maybe she can talk to a therapist, but what does she need? Because I think when she gets further along in her own healing, and I know it's been seven years, but that doesn't matter, Is this something that has long term effects? So as she gets further along in kind of processing her own grief and the betrayal that happened, I think she might get more clear on how she wants to handle it with the kids, as time goes by.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, and to your point, also to get clear on, like, why am I doing this? What's going on for me? What do I see following from telling them, not telling them. Why am I doing certain things? Why am I hanging onto these letters? If they're painful, maybe I should get rid of them. And sometimes just having a new fact, like, the fact is, maybe I could arrange to have my journals destroyed so I could keep my journals and the value that comes from writing through this experience. But I don't have to think, oh, my gosh, I have to imagine my children reading this after I'm gone and processing that. Like, maybe there's just a different solution to that.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

She can also put in her will a letter to her children that says, I want you to know that I knew about this and the reason that I chose not to tell you was this, which is what we talked about. And then her children will have some peace around. Did mom know? Didn't she know what happened? Or she was going through this alone, and she can say, I made a deliberate choice because you had a good relationship with your father. And I wanted to keep what happened in our marriage separate. And this was something that I was healing. And I think that that would give the children some sense of peace. So they aren't wondering. I think when people really suffer the most is when they have this kind of incomplete, ambiguous grief around secrets where they don't really have the person that they need to talk to available anymore. And they're left with all. All of these unanswered questions. And I think if she can answer some of those questions in a letter that they won't see until she dies, but then they'll know and they'll have some sense of understanding. Maybe they will find some letter that you didn't know existed. They can either ask you about it if you're still here and if you're no longer here, they can process it in their own way. But think about. They might be in their 50s or 60s.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. Might be decades in the future.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Right. They may have a very different reaction to it then than they would in their 20s.

[Gretchen Rubin]

They might be unlikely to go through and read all the letters that are there that have been in there for 40 years. This just keeps coming up. Secrets and the ripple effects that they create and the questions that they pose. So have you ever dealt with a situation like this listener, a related thing, where you found out something surprising about a person after they died, and you had to figure out, like, who to share it with how to share it. Whether to share it, let us know at the since you ask podcast.com after the break, we're going to talk about a question that was inspired by a question from a listener about sharing food and whether not sharing food is selfish. But first, this break. One thing about cheats is they rarely fail all at once. It's gradual. The corners start slipping off the mattress. The fabric feels thinner or scratchier than it used to. Maybe you wake up warmer than you

[Laurie Gottlieb]

should, and you don't always realize how much that affects your sleep until you finally replace them.

[Gretchen Rubin]

If your sheets are piling, thinning, slipping or overheating, that's usually your sign. It's time for an upgrade. Bowling Branch's signature sheets are made from 100% organic cotton and designed to hold their shape, stay breathable, and feel luxuriously soft night after night.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

What stands out is how simple the change can be. The sheets are buttery soft off from the start, and they actually get softer with every wash, so the comfort improves over time instead of wearing down.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It's one of those upgrades where you notice the difference the moment you get into bed. You can feel the quality immediately.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Upgrade your sleep during Bolen Branch's annual spring event. Take 20% off site wide plus free [e-mail] since you asked with code since you asked. That's bull. And branch the O O L L a n d branch.com since you asked code since you asked to unlock 20% off exclusions. Apply See site for details.

[Julie Louis-Dreyfus]

This message comes from Harvard Business School

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Executive Education now is the time to invest in yourself and change the world with your voice. Harvard Business School executive education programs connect you with faculty at the forefront of their field, introduce you to a global

[Julie Louis-Dreyfus]

network of leaders, and help you step

[Laurie Gottlieb]

into your full potential. The next chapter is yours. Let them help you write it. Apply today to accelerate your future. Learn more at HBS ME Accelerate. That's HBS Me Accelerate.

[Julie Louis-Dreyfus]

Hey, it's Julie, Louis Dreyfus from Wiser Than Me, et cetera. Just popping in with a little reality check. Food waste shouldn't exist. There is no reason that our leftovers should end up in a landfill. But that's the final destination for about a third of the food we grow. Our ancestors would be confused. They use their food scraps as compost, or as animal feed, or in weird soups, all the stuff we did before garbage was invented. But composting is hard work. Living with a bucket of rotten food on your counter is gross. Most food goes in the Trash. Because it's easy. And these days we'll take any easy we can get. But now there's something easier. Drop your scraps in a mill food recycler. It looks like a kitchen bin and an iPhone had a baby. It takes nearly anything, even meat and bones. It works automatically. You can keep filling it for weeks and it never smells. When you finally empty it, you've got these nutrient rich grounds. Use them in your garden for pour them in your green bin or have mill get them to a small farm so the food you don't eat can help grow the food you do. Just like it should be. It's why I own a mill, why I invest in mill, and why I'm still obsessed with my mill. If you want to get obsessed too, go to mill.com wiser to get $75 off. That's mill.com wiser for $75 off.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And we're back with a Wisdom of Crowds where we ask you to weigh in on a question that we have posted on socials. And this week the question was inspired by our listener, Maggie. She wrote this to us and it made us want to ask all of you for your thoughts. Here's what Maggie wrote. Okay, this feels stupid, but it's turning into a thing. So I need outside opinions. My girlfriend and I went to see a super long movie last night. Afterward, I wanted to grab fries from this bar I love and I asked her beforehand if she wanted anything and she said no. I checked again, still no. So I ordered the fries, but when we picked it up, she smelled it and suddenly wanted some. I let her have a few, no issue. But then she wanted to sit down and basically split it evenly. And I said no, because if I had known that, I would have ordered more. She says I'm being selfish and that couples shouldn't nickel and dime food. I'm saying I asked, I ordered accordingly, and sometimes I just want my own fries. This somehow turned into a relationship argument. Am I being rigid here or is this just one of those say what you want the first time situations? So this is hilarious and so relatable.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So, yeah, absolutely, we've all been there. So we put the question to you all and here's what some of you had to say. Okay. And so this was the question that we posed. When you order food with family or friends, should you always share or is it okay to say no? So the people who said you should share it, 35%. It's okay to say no. 65%. Okay. So first comes from Laura she says, my family jokes that I am like Joey in Friends. Joey didn't share his fries. I'm fine with sharing a few fries or my food with someone if they ask. But if we are all ordering food, why not get your own? I'm also not a fan of family style restaurants. I want to order what I want and eat it. Of course, if someone is in need or if I am with a small child, I will of course happily share. I just don't like people picking off my plate. That's what it sounded like with our listeners. Original question. It was definitely picking off the plate.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yes. And Christine Noel said, I always address this before ordering. It's absolutely okay to not want to share or to want to share, but never assume what others want. If someone is getting something you want to split, you have to ask first. And that's what Maggie did. She did ask. This happens with dessert a lot. If someone says, no, I don't want dessert, and then I order the dessert that I want, and then they end up eating half, half or more of it, then I'm not really getting my dessert. So I absolutely understand that.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So you don't like it when sometimes the server will bring spoons for everybody and they'll be like, in case you want to share, have a couple bites.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

That's fine. Have a couple bites. But that's different than if you want your own dessert. Just get your own dessert.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Tina says, of course it's okay to say no. If you're an adult, it's always okay to say no. Anyone trying to control your decision over any topic is not someone you should trust. Wow. Okay. So she sees it as a sign of a much bigger issue.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And Malia Ann said it's okay to say no or to offer to use your fork to put a bite on their plate rather than them taking it from you themselves.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Mm. Okay. So you sort of manage the process a little bit. Jean writes, I always ask if anyone at the table wants to try anything I ordered. Dessert is always shared. So that's just a philosophy. Just like your philosophy is my dessert, Gene is dessert is always shared.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah. And to be clear, it's fine if we all wanna take some bites of a shared dessert, but if someone says, do you want dessert? And I say, yes, and they say, no, no, no, I'm too full. I don't want dessert. It's fine if when the dessert comes, they want a few bites, but if they're gonna eat half or more of it, then I wish that they had gotten their own dessert.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Polly writes, my husband and I always share food, partly because I can only eat tiny portions, but I'd never assume someone would wanna share and would always order a whole meal for myself. In any other company, I. I'm happy to share whatever I have, but if people have specific tastes, which they've ordered to suit, or if they just don't like sharing food, then that's perfectly fine. She says, follow the lead of the person. If they're wanting to give you just a few fries, back off after that.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah. And Deborah says, depends entirely upon who I'm dining with. One of my male BFFs is a major foodie, and we have the sort of relationship where we taste each other's food. We often split meals half and half. I don't do this with anyone else. I didn't even do this with my beloved late husband, who was also a foodie. I believe it has to do with the particular person and their relationship with food and how it jives with my relationship to food.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Hmm. So kind of case by case, Darlene writes, always try to be kind. Other than that, there's very few hard and fast rules. Would you like to try it too? Should I order a large. Should I order an extra plate so we can share if it's not your first time in this situation? Because sometimes half a dessert is enough and sometimes it isn't.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

I think for Maggie, what she was upset about was she did offer.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, several times. So one thing this reminds me of, Lori, is, okay, I wrote this book better than before, where I talk about the strategies that we can use to make or break our habits. And in that, I talk about loopholes, because loopholes are the justifications that we give to ourselves to explain why we should let ourselves off the hook. Like. Or we're breaking this habit one particular time because there's some loophole. And one of the most popular loopholes is, this doesn't count. And for many people, they think if I order it, it counts, but if I just have a bite of yours, it doesn't count. But if she said, I want to split them or I want to have my own order, then they do count.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

That is so interesting. I'm not really having fries because I didn't order them.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, that's on you. We split them. But you actually ate the entire thing. Why not just order more fries? They're sitting there eating their fries. You can see the fries are disappearing quickly. I would just say, let's get another order of fries.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Mm.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Why is that not a good solution?

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Because I think that she feels taken advantage of, and maybe she didn't wanna wait for the fries. And I think she was just frustrated. It's like when we always say, it's not about the. Whatever. The thing is, it's not about the fries. She said it became a whole relationship issue. It did, because there's something about. Maybe it isn't the only instance in their relationship where something like this happens, where Maggie tries to be clear with her partner and says, this is the situation. What do you think? And then the partner says one thing, but then means another thing. And maybe that's a pattern. Maybe we're reading too much into it. I don't know. But I think that the reason she had such a big reaction to it, because most of us would think that's frustrating, but it wouldn't become, as she said, a relationship thing. So I think it's probably something that happens in some form in their relationship. And so instead of talking about the fries with her partner, she should say, you know what? I think we need to communicate better. And I get really frustrated when you say one thing and you mean another.

[Gretchen Rubin]

To your point, and I hadn't thought about this until you just said that, but she said that it was like, couples shouldn't nickel and dime each other. And it was a relationship. So it might be that the partner is thinking, I want to see proof that we're in this together, that we're sharing, that we're a team, that what's mine is yours, what yours is mine. That's what, to me, being in a close relationship means. And Maggie is thinking, no, that's not what that means. If I want my own fries, I want to get my own fries. So you're right. There's actually a much deeper question here. It's much bigger than the fries.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

A lot of people come into a couple with their own assumptions about what couples do. Like, couples should always. Couples should always tell each other. We talked about this in an earlier episode, Gretchen, where you said, jamie doesn't tell you everything in the way that maybe other people would find a little bit off putting in their own marriages. Everybody has their own ways of what is closeness? What is individuality? How do we deal with those two things in a relationship? And it sounds like her partner thinks, we're a couple. These are the rules. And Maggie thinks, well, no, these rules still apply even though we're a couple.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So this is, again, a really good opportunity to really talk about those deep values. You have an issue that's coming up, but what's really underlying. It is some kind of difference of values. And you really want to use the opportunity to get clarity on that value, on those values, because that could end up being a much bigger deal than something like a plate of fries.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And to me, just because this is how I would probably look at this with a couple, is that we also bring our histories into it. And it might be that in her partner's history, she had people around her where she felt like they were withholding and that they should have been more open with her, more generous with her. And so she feels that Maggie was withholding something from her that shouldn't be withheld in the context of an intimate relationship. There's a lot going on here, and I think that this is a great conversation for them to start to have, but to be lighthearted about it. You and I always talk about. A conversation always goes better when you can be lighthearted about it, even if it's a serious topic where you can say, I know we have this thing about the fries, but can we talk a little bit more? Because I think something about our interaction about the fries might be worth talking about in terms of what our expectations are and how we felt seen and heard and understood and loved in our relationship.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Just picturing this moment. I can imagine many things that the partner is thinking, But I could imagine that, like, the partner's dream of how it would go would be something like, she has a couple of fries, and she has a couple of fries. And then Maggie generously says, Calls over the server and says, we need another plate of fries. We need more fries. And then you'd be like, oh, look, I didn't even have to say what I wanted. You just saw that I was enjoying the fries, and you just, like, got them. And it would be so generous, and I would feel so understood. And I didn't even have to say it. But it's that whole thing of I don't want to have to say it. They don't read your mind. They don't know what you're thinking. They don't know what you want. Maybe that isn't even what is in their mind. That's my fantasy. What their fantasy might be could be completely wrong.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And it could also be that her partner has been in situations before where she felt like she was too much and so she didn't feel like she could order her own fries. I'll just take the crumbs. But really, she wanted more. And when she asked for more than crumbs, her partner was like, no, no, no, no, no. You only get the crumbs. That might be her interpretation of what happened. There's so much here in this story about the fries.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Listeners, weigh in.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yes, weigh in. But I really hope that this couple can have a really warm and loving conversation about what did it bring up for you? What did it bring up for you when I was taking all your fries? What did it bring up for you when, you know, I said no to you about taking the fries? What is that about? Where have you had those experiences? For each of us, I think it would be a really lovely moment in their relationship to discover more about each other.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. Because it's a tiny episode that can actually reveal so much. Such an interesting question. We post interesting questions like this every week, check on our socials and weigh in. We will be highlighting your responses here coming up. We'll share the question that we will be discussing in depth next week. You can listen now and think how you would respond. It's a question that many people are facing these days. But first, the spring. I've been noticing how much easier mornings are when my closet just works. Not more options, just better ones. Pieces that feel good, fit right and don't require a second thought. That's where Quince really stands out.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Quince makes it easy to refresh your everyday wardrobe with pieces that feel as good as they look. They use premium materials like 100% European linen, organic cotton and ultra soft denim.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And the range is surprisingly accessible. Their lightweight linen pants, dresses and tops start at $30 and they're the kind of pieces you can wear on repeat without getting tired of them.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Everything at Quint's is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for quality and craftsmanship, not brand market.

[Gretchen Rubin]

What stood out for me was the fabric. There's a structure to it, but it still feels easy and comfortable. And honestly, when you see the price, you kind of pause for a second and double check.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Head to quince.com since you ask for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com since you ask for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com since you asked Amazon Health AI

[Gretchen Rubin]

presents Painful Thoughts I I can't stop scratching my downtown. Yeah, but I'm not itching to go downtown and tell a receptionist I'm here

[Laurie Gottlieb]

to talk about my downtown. Some things you'd rather type than say out loud.

[Gretchen Rubin]

There's no question too embarrassing For Amazon Health AI chat your symptoms and get virtual care 24. 7 Healthcare just got less painful.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Good sleep is everything. That's why Ollie's Science Back support is made with a blend of melatonin and L theanine for both kiddos and grown ups. So when your mind won't switch off, you've got something that can help erasing thoughts and restless nights won't stand a chance. Find Ollie Sleep Solutions for the whole [e-mail] that's o l l y.com. Before we go, we will leave you with the question that we're going to tackle in the next episode and we would love to hear your thoughts. This is a question that comes up a lot in families nowadays, and it comes from a listener who wants to be anonymous. It goes like this. I just listened to your segment about grief. As I listened, I thought about several of my friends who are dealing with adult children who are estranged. How can I support them? The grief my friends are dealing with is so painful, isolating and causes shame. Of course there are lots of other emotions, including anger. I want to support them, but I'm not sure how.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This is such an important question and we hear a lot about estrangement, but this is a twist on that because it's about how do you support the person who has been cut off if it's happened to a friend, to somebody that you care about? If you know someone in this situation, if you are in this situation yourself, let us know what you think at the since you asked podcast.com and we will get into it in the next episode. And that's it for today. Send us your questions, big or small. We love to read them all.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And if you found this episode helpful, don't forget to share it with a friend and remember to rate review. Follow recommend the show so that more people can find it as well.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And remember, whether this podcast changes your life or just makes you laugh, we're glad you're here.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Since you asked is for entertainment purposes only and isn't a substitute for professional advice. By sending us your question, you're agreeing.

[Gretchen Rubin]

We may use it on the show

[Laurie Gottlieb]

and edit it for length or clarity.