Podcast Summary: Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin

Episode Title: How Do We Help People Grieve? Plus: When AI Starts Mediating Your Marriage
Release Date: February 17, 2026
Hosts: Gretchen Rubin & Lori Gottlieb
Producer: Lemonada Media

Episode Overview

This episode of "Since You Asked" tackles two deeply relevant listener questions. First, Gretchen and Lori explore the complexities of grief, sharing personal experiences and crowdsourced advice on supporting oneself and others through loss. Second, the hosts address a new dilemma of our digital age: What happens when AI tools like ChatGPT become mediators in marriage, potentially displacing authentic human connection? The conversation weaves together candid stories, therapeutic insights, and practical advice, all with the familiar heartfelt candor of Gretchen and Lori.

1. Grief and How to Help Ourselves and Others

Personal Stories: Losing Their Fathers

[03:21–05:49]

• Gretchen reflects on her father's recent passing and the comfort she finds in collecting memories—small and seemingly inconsequential moments and shared interests (like his love for real estate in China or visits to a favorite carpet gallery at the Met).
  • Quote:
    “Partly it's staying in touch with things that remind me of him that's been very comforting. Another thing is remembering that two things can be true. Like I can be having a lot of fun and be heartbroken.”
    — Gretchen Rubin [04:32]
• Lori recounts her own experience of her father’s death during the early days of COVID, highlighting the “uncanny” parallel that both their fathers’ last joyful urge was for a milkshake:
  • Quote:
    “There are all these little things that take on meaning because they're the lasts and maybe they're a little bit out of character. And then you remember that.”
    — Lori Gottlieb [07:40]

Lessons from Grieving

[07:50–11:29]

• Lori emphasizes the value of having end-of-life conversations and the reassurance that “grief is the other side of love.” Her father told her:
  • Quote:
    “If you are experiencing the loss and the pain, it's because there was so much love.”
    — Lori Gottlieb [09:23]
• Both hosts point out that not all necessary conversations need to be had at the end—living honestly and lovingly throughout life is just as critical.
• Gretchen reminds listeners:
  • Quote:
    “Something that can happen at any time, often happens at no time. But at a certain point, there is no more time. So find a way to do something now.”
    — Gretchen Rubin [11:29]

Listener Insights on Grief

[11:52–16:36]

• Be gentle with yourself: Cognitive load and exhaustion are common; allow for reduced capacities.
  • “Be so gentle and kind to yourself and do whatever you can to lessen cognitive demand or decision making until the brain fog lifts.” — Listener Kristen [11:52]
• Let others help: Even if it feels awkward, accept help as a gift for both you and the helper.
• On what to say to the grieving: Don’t overthink texting, notes, or gifts—just let people know you’re thinking of them.
  • “Whatever you want to do is fine. Whatever you say is fine. I appreciate all of it.” — Gretchen Rubin [05:20]
• Metaphors that help:
  • Grief as “love that has come up against its oldest challenge” (from the Moth story “The House of Mourning”)
  • The “ball and box” metaphor where grief (the ball) becomes less overwhelming over time, but the grief button is always there [12:53].

Supporting Others in Grief

[16:06–19:25]

• Mention the lost loved one: It is comforting—not painful—for the bereaved to hear their loved one’s name.
  • “Their loved one will appreciate it after all these years. I love when someone brings up my dad.” — Listener Anissa [16:06]
• Be specific with offers of help:
  • Instead of “Let me know if you need anything,” try “Can I bring you a pizza Saturday?” [17:10]
• Ring Theory: Provide support inward, seek support outward—don’t expect the closest bereaved to meet your own support needs [17:36].

No Hierarchy to Grief

[14:57]

• Lori insists:
  • "There's no hierarchy of pain or grief... Your loss is your loss." — Lori Gottlieb [14:57]

Ongoing Grieving & Grief Myths

[19:39–21:02]

• The “stages of grief” aren’t intended for the bereaved, and time doesn’t “fix” grief. Loss endures.
• The psychological immune system can create a sense of unreality or delay acceptance after a loss.

2. When AI Mediates Your Marriage

Listener Dilemma: Overuse of ChatGPT

[25:24–26:37]

• Krista writes about her husband, who consults ChatGPT about everything, including marital arguments and what to say when she’s upset:
  • “He will literally pause mid conversation to Ask the AI for advice ... it feels like there's a third presence in our marriage now.”
    — Listener Krista [25:24]

Host Reactions and Insights

[26:37–29:49]

• AI ≠ Journaling or Friends:
  • Lori: “With AI, you just want it to tell you what to say, but you’re not really metabolizing what’s going on... You’re not getting that practice of trial and error.” [27:12]
• Gretchen notes the inherent irony:
  • “He's using a machine to understand her instead of just listening to her directly.” [28:33]
• They caution against overvaluing AI’s “correctness” (“the AI isn't right”) [28:39], and using it as an adjudicator in disputes.

Navigating AI Together

[29:49–32:41]

• Advice to Krista:

  • Open an explicit conversation with her husband about how the overuse of AI makes her feel.

  • Explore his motivations: Is it fear of saying the wrong thing? Is he seeking tools for communication, or outsourcing emotional discomfort?

  • Construct “AI-free zones” during emotionally charged conversations, but allow for AI as a reflective tool after.

  • “Saying the wrong thing and repairing it together, it builds intimacy in a way that the perfectly crafted response that comes from AI won't necessarily do.”
    — Lori Gottlieb [30:26]

  • “This is not a conversation about AI. This is a conversation about connection, the relationship, and feeling heard.”
    — Gretchen Rubin [31:23]

• Collaborative Tool, Not a Third Presence: Use AI as a joint resource after discussion—not a replacement for direct engagement.

  • Lori: “...Where does AI fit into that? And that's a negotiation that the two of you can have. And don't consult AI on that, by the way.” [32:41]

Inviting Listener Feedback

[33:26–34:12]

• The hosts solicit experiences from listeners: Has AI helped or hindered your relationships? Where is the line for you?

3. Wisdom of Crowds: The Power of Stopping

[37:56–48:13] Hosts share audience input on a provocative question: “What is something you stopped doing that improved your life more than starting something new?”

• Highlights:

  • Stopping breaking news alerts or constant notifications for better mental health
  • Giving up perfectionism and striving for “good enough”
  • Dropping social comparison by unfollowing competitors
  • Eliminating dietary habits (like Diet Coke) or digital clutter (e.g., emails on phone) for clarity and peace
  • Using a “would I say yes if it were tomorrow?” test to avoid overcommitting

• Notable Quotes:

  • “If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.” — G.K. Chesterton, referenced by Gretchen Rubin [44:05]
  • “Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” — Voltaire, referenced by Gretchen Rubin [44:05]
  • “Now I frame it with, if I had to do this tomorrow, would I say yes or no? And if my answer is no, then I say no.” — Lori Gottlieb [45:23]

4. Next Week’s Dilemma Preview: Family Secrets at Life’s End

[48:24–50:11]

• Teaser for next episode: A listener's father, terminally ill, asks her to promise never to contact his secret children and keep them hidden from her mother. The conflict: honoring a dying wish vs. erasing half-siblings.

Notable Moments & Quotes

• “People overthink it. And I think what people just want to know is, I'm thinking of you. Yes. And so whatever way you say that, it doesn't matter that much.”
  — Lori Gottlieb [05:49]
• “It's a nice memory, though, right? That they had this thing that they really, really enjoyed right at the end.”
  — Gretchen Rubin [07:26]
• “This is happening more and more. Do you value AI? Has it been useful to you? ...We want to use it wisely.”
  — Gretchen Rubin [33:26]
• “Secrets, Laurie, so many of our questions revolve around secrets.”
  — Gretchen Rubin [49:46]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:21] – Grief: Personal stories from Gretchen & Lori
• [11:52] – Listener advice on grief
• [16:06] – Tips for supporting the bereaved
• [25:24] – AI in marriage: Krista’s dilemma
• [29:49] – Practical advice for integrating AI appropriately
• [37:56] – “Wisdom of Crowds”: What stopping, not starting, improved listener lives
• [48:24] – Next episode’s messy family secret

Tone & Style

Throughout the episode, Gretchen and Lori maintain their signature blend of warmth, vulnerability, and clear-eyed pragmatism. They model how to hold difficult emotions—grief, discomfort, frustration—with compassion, and stress the ongoing nature of both personal and cultural adaptation (whether to grief or disruptive technologies like AI). At all times, advice is grounded, empathetic, and non-judgmental, making space for humor, sorrow, and thoughtful listener engagement.

For Listeners Who Haven’t Tuned In

This episode is a rich, wide-ranging conversation on two of life’s most pressing, contemporary dilemmas: how we grieve and how we integrate new technologies into our most intimate relationships. Listeners walk away with practical tools for both supporting the grieving and negotiating boundaries in the digital age—plus reassurance that whatever you’re feeling, you’re not alone. The episode also previews a complex family secret that will be unraveled next time.