
Loading summary
A
If you're like many people every new year, you set the same kind of intentions more energy, better focus, being more consistent with the habits you know are good for you. But there may be years where you're doing all the right things sleeping enough, eating well, moving your body. But you still feel tired and foggy in a way you couldn't quite explain.
B
That's something a lot of people don't realize can be connected to iron levels Low iron doesn't always look dramatic. It can can show up quietly as persistent fatigue, brain fog or trouble concentrating, frequent headaches, irritability or low mood or brittle nails and hair breakage. An iron deficiency can exist even before anemia develops, meaning you might feel symptoms long before anything looks serious.
A
When iron levels are low, your body has to work harder to deliver oxygen, which can affect energy, focus, mood and physical performance. And traditional iron supplements often don't help the way people hope because the body typically absorbs only about 10 to 15% of the iron, and the rest can cause side effects like nausea or constipation.
B
Siderol from Pharmanutra is a premium iron supplement powered by patented sucrosomeal technology designed to help your body absorb three to four times more iron without the common side effects of traditional iron supplements like nausea or constipation.
A
It's made with just two main ingredients, 30 milligrams of sucrosamyl iron and vitamin C in a convenient once a day capsule that fits 18 easily into your routine. It's clinically proven to be comparable to IV Iron and backed by more than 20 years of research and over 150 clinical studies.
B
Head to pharmanutra-us.com and use code since you asked for 10% off your first order of Ciderol that's P H A R M A N U T R a-us.com promo code. Since you asked. Lemonade.
A
Krista writes. My husband discovered ChatGPT six months ago and it's gotten kind of intense now. He consulted about everything. Is this actually concerning or do I just need to get over my resistance to AI?
B
I think it's not about resisting technology. She's asking for something relational.
A
This is a very new issue for humankind. We are at the very beginning of this.
B
Hey Lori, Hi Gretchen.
A
And hey everyone. Welcome to since youe Asked, a podcast, where Lori and I give our best advice to listeners struggling with a dilemma, big or small. We give our perspectives, plus we include a lot of responses from our listeners. I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness and Human nature. I created a personality framework that divides people into upholders, questioners, obligers and revels. So if you are curious, take my quiz.
B
And I'm Laurie Gottlieb. I'm a psychotherapist and the author of maybe youe Should Talk to Someone. I also write the Ask the Therapist column for the New York Times.
A
Lori, it has been so fun to read all the questions that continue to come in. Everybody keep em coming. Send them to theseinceyouustpodcast.com we read them your rhyme Gretchen.
B
Send us any dilemma, big or small. We read them all and it's absolutely true. So please keep all of the questions coming.
A
So we're going to start off by talking about grief. In a previous episode we were talking about how my father recently died. And of course this is a universal issue. We face grief and loss. It comes up in so many different circumstances and so many things change. I have been finding it enormously helpful to hear from other people about how they've handled it.
B
Gretchen, you're about two months out from this and I am a few years. This was Covid so several years now out from this. And we both lost our fathers. And I wonder what you might share about your experience that might be helpful.
A
One thing that has been really comforting to me is every time there's something that reminds me of him or that he really loved, I just make a list of it. And then every once in a while I just look at the list and it makes me really happy to look at that and also to make sure that I hang onto these memories. Some of them are really small things. He was very interested in the real estate situation in China. So now whenever I see an article like in the Economist, I always think, oh, my dad would be so interested in that.
B
So.
A
So I just wrote that down because I worry that I will forget that someday. And it's part of my memories of him. I love to go to the Metropolitan Museum and whenever my father was in town there was this one gallery he loved to go to, which is these carpets. It's this beautiful gallery. And now sometimes I go there just to think about him. There's a wooden bench and I'd go sit there. Partly it's staying in touch with things that remind me of him that's been very comforting. Another thing is remembering that two things can be true. Like I can be having a lot of fun and be heartbroken. I can be really missing him, but also working on my next project. Sometimes I felt like I needed to have a coherent Experience. And it can be helpful to just think that two things can be true at once. And then the final thing I would say, just because now I'm on the grieving side of it, is I think people really get hung up on what is the right thing to say or the wrong thing to say, or should you text or do you have to write a handwritten note and should you send flowers? And I just think, to me, it doesn't matter. Whatever you want to do is fine. Whatever you say is fine. I appreciate all of it. And now when others go through this, I will be much more. Just do whatever comes into my heart instead of getting hung up on thinking, oh, maybe this is the wrong thing to say. Just do your best.
B
That's true. People overthink it. And I think what people just want to know is, I'm thinking of you. Yes. And so whatever way you say that, it doesn't matter that much. I'm farther out from it. My father died the first week of the COVID lockdown. Not of COVID He had what your father had. They both had the same heart issue. And we knew that my father was getting toward the end, but we didn't know if it was weeks or months and probably thought it might be summer.
A
It is so bonkers to me that both of our fathers remarked on how much they enjoyed a milkshake the last two days before their death. That's just so uncanny. It's such a specific thing.
B
My father had said that he was craving a milkshake, and there's a place a few blocks from our house. And my mom said, okay, I'll go out and get that for you. And that was his last thing that he ate. And then it turns out, Gretchen, you had a similar situation.
A
Yeah. So in my hometown, there's this place, Winstead's, which is this iconic family diner that we always go to. It was my father's birthday, and my sister was visiting, and so he said, oh, pick up a milkshake. She was going to go to Winstead's and get takeout for them. And he said, oh, get me a milkshake. He hadn't had an appetite for a really long time. He'd forced himself to eat, but he usually loved food, and he wasn't enjoying it, and he just ate it with so much enjoyment. He's. Oh, my gosh, that just hits the spot. I didn't realize I was craving a milkshake. It was so delicious. And my sister took a picture of my father eating the milkshake, which Is the last really good picture we have of him. And then it went downhill very quickly from there. And it's just so odd to me. And it wasn't like either of our fathers had these all the time, right? Yeah, it's just odd. Anyway, it was strangely parallel. It's a nice memory, though, right? That they had this thing that they really, really enjoyed right at the end.
B
There are all these little things that take on meaning because they're the lasts and maybe they're a little bit out of character. And then you remember that. That becomes something that lives with the experience.
A
Yeah. What have you learned because you've been in this longer?
B
It's interesting because my father, he was always very stoic. And we knew he was suffering with this heart condition, but he just wanted to live his life. He loved life. He was very exuberant about life. He wanted to be there for his family. He wanted to be there for milestones. And so he didn't want us to know really how much he was suffering. And so I think for us, we were like, oh, he's doing okay. Even though we could tell he wasn't really himself. There was this time, maybe a year before he died, where we were at one of my son's basketball games. And my father took me aside and said he had just been at the funeral of a friend and he saw the daughter there, the adult daughter, and had said, you, father was always so proud of you. He talked about you all the time. And she said, I didn't know that. And he said, I just want you to know how proud I am of you. I wanna make sure you know that. And I, of course, knew how proud he was of me, and I did know that. But I think he was trying to say to me, I'm going to die soon. I want you to try to wrap your head around this. And in the months before he died, we had a lot of conversations about grief and what it would be like when he's not there. Something I just could not imagine because I was so close with my father. And what was so beautiful was to be able to talk about the grief and the loss with him while he was still here. One of the things he said was, I will always live inside of you. If you are experiencing the loss and the pain, it's because there was so much love. And I found that so reassuring. And so when you were talking earlier about you can experience pain and joy together, the memories of my dad, while some of them are painful. Cause he's not here, There's So much joy that it brings me to think about different memories of my father and some of the things that he said at the end that were so true about how I would think about him and the loss through time.
A
That's so beautiful. With my father, it happened much faster. So we didn't go through that stage, but we didn't really need to go through that stage. Fortunately, I knew that, and he knew that I knew that, and I knew that he knew that I knew that. Everybody's situation unfolds in a different way.
B
But I think that the thing that is important for both of us was your father knew that everything had been said.
A
Yes. No, I would say not even that. That it didn't need to be said. Yeah. I have a very uncommunicative family. We never say things. I've talked to my mom more about her feelings in the last two months than I have probably my whole life. Not in a suppressed way. I don't know. It's just not our way.
B
But you knew the feelings. You didn't have to articulate them with words, but they were articulated in other ways. And the ways that you interacted with each other and the ways you showed love for each other. So my point is that people think that all of the important conversations, or even if it's not a conversation, all the ways in which you love someone, that that needs to happen at the end. Now's the time. We don't know how long we have or when things are gonna happen. So I always remind people that now is the time to love people the way that you want to love them. Make sure that you are saying the things that you want to say if it's necessary, because there really is were no surprises, and there was nothing left unfinished. I think that's the way many of us want our deaths to be, but that's because we lived our lives a certain way. So now's the time. I think a lot of people write to us on this show and they say, oh, I don't know if I should talk to the person about this. Our thing is always have the conversation.
A
One of my secrets of adulthood is something that can happen at any time, often happens at no time. But at a certain point, there is no more time. So find a way to do something now. Absolutely. That is a great reminder for all of us at all times. And we asked listeners, if you've experienced grief and loss, what advice would you give to someone going through it? And we got so many thoughtful responses.
B
We did. Kristen said, don't expect yourself to be able to work or think or really do anything at your normal capacity. Be so gentle and kind to yourself and do whatever you can to lessen cognitive demand or decision making until the brain fog lifts a little.
A
I remember feeling that I've noticed how much more sleep I need, and that seems to be a very universal thing. Many people have said, oh, yeah, you have to take naps. You sleep an hour or two more. The feeling of exhaustion surprised me how consistent that has been.
B
Yeah.
A
Sarah says two ideas that helped me First, a few months after my dad died, I had a driveway moment while listening to a moth story on npr. The House of Mourning by Kate Braestrup. She said, walk fearlessly into the house of mourning, for grief is only love that has come up against its oldest challenge. This statement was profound and I've never forgotten it. Second, I saw a meme that said, I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her name was Grief. That was very useful. Two really powerful ideas.
B
Yeah. And that's the thing my dad was saying was that grief is really the other side of love. So Natalie said, I love this analogy for grief. Life is a button in a box, and there's a ball that is huge and barely fits into the box. Every time the box moves, the ball hits the grief button. Over time, the box stays the same, the grief button stays the same, but the ball gets smaller and smaller and the button isn't hit nearly as often. But when it is hit, all the feelings surface. Lauren Herschel explains this, and it has helped me and others understand and learn to live with grief.
A
What an interesting metaphor. Yeah. Shay says, people will want to help. Let them. It's more for them than for you, but it will grow your bond. They will also struggle with what to say, and they will say the wrong thing. Don't hold it against them. They mean well. That's a good reminder that you do have to allow yourself to be helped. You have to allow yourself to be served. You have to give grace to what people say and do. That's a good reminder. Yeah.
B
Kelly said, remember that the world does not stop for your grief, even though it feels like it should have. If your grief is preventing you from performing tasks that the world needs you to do, you must find a backup. Take time off, delegate everything, call in favors. Reset expectations for when you will be able to perform. Again, not delivering when you say you will rapidly erodes sympathy. Instead, be honest about what you can and can't do.
A
Well, that's very practical advice. I think that's Very wise.
B
And be honest with yourself about it, too. Sometimes we think that we should just push through, and we really need to be realistic about what we're up to on any given day.
A
But just as a side note, it is really jarring when you're dealing with this huge, huge loss and the world just goes on. My father died right before the holidays, and it was really strange walking out into the hospital on the first floor, and they're lined with poinsettias overnight, and it looks so beautiful and cheerful. And I'm like, wait, this is not what's happening right now. It can be hard to have those double existences.
B
The double existences thing is really real. My father died again that first week of COVID and everybody was talking about all of the loss and grief and all the things that were happening. And I kept thinking, well, I don't really have a right to grieve because my father didn't die of COVID and he was 85. And there were people who were losing much younger people, really, really tragic situations. And my father had a great life. He was loved. I was loved. And what I really want people to remember is that there is no hierarchy of pain or grief, that you can't compare yours to somebody else's. Your loss is your loss.
A
Liz said, it helps me so much to remember that the relationships continue. I still talk to my angel loved ones, and when I tune in, I even hear their words in my mind and feel their love. I love thinking about my angels being closer in spirit than they could ever possibly be in physical form with pure understanding, forgiveness, and light. A new dimension of love. That's a very beautiful way of thinking about it. I definitely feel like I have my father's voice in my head, and that is a comfort to me. Absolutely.
B
And then we ask people, how can you support someone in grief? And Anissa said, my dad died 35 years ago when I was 18. One thing I've learned is to never miss an opportunity to bring up the name of someone who has passed away. Their loved one will appreciate it after all these years. I love when someone brings up my dad. That is so true. People think, oh, if I bring it up, I'm going to cause that person pain. But actually it reminds that person that, you know, that they are still thinking about that person.
A
Well, it's funny because on the happier podcast, we often would quote our father about exercise because he would always say, if you put on your running shoes and walk out the door and the door closes behind you, that counts. That's all you have to do. And so many people said, oh, I think of your father every time I exercise, because that idea helped me get back into exercising. And so the idea that they are invoking him in that context and raising it to me, it is very comforting. You like to think that people are thinking of the person who's lost. It doesn't make you sad or it makes you feel glad that they live in other people's imaginations too.
B
Yeah, absolutely.
A
Jen said, if you know someone is grieving, don't say. If you need anything, let me know. Grievers might not be able to tell you what they need. Ask about a specific way you're willing to help. Can I combo your grass on Saturday and bring a pizza? This is a really good suggestion. I remember a friend of mine said that her brother was like, I'm in Target and I'm going to stop by your house. What do you want me to pick up for you? And it was just like, this is happening. It was so specific. And she said how much that that she felt taken care of.
B
And because of that brain fog that another listener was talking about. Sometimes you need things, but you can't think of it in that exact second. So the more specific, the better. August said, my therapist told me about ring theory and it's been really helpful. Picture a set of circles like a target. We have another metaphor today. In the middle is the person most affected by the loss. The next ring is their closest people. Then wider rings of friends, acquaintances. When you imagine it in this way, it's easier to see your role. The idea is to offer comfort and support to the people closer to the center and take your own fears, frustrations, or venting to someone a ring farther out. When my dad died, this helped me understand how to be supportive to my mom while also getting the support I needed, and helped me to stop blaming her for the lack of support I felt from her, which ultimately I realized wasn't her job. This is so interesting because I got a letter to my Ask the Therapist column from a daughter who said, my father died. My mother's really suffering, but so am I and so is my sister. And it's really hard for us because I realized that my mom was married to him for all this time and the loss is really intense for her, but. But it's also intense for us. So this is a really good point from August about, well, how can we support each other but also figure out a way where maybe we need to think about the other person's position too.
A
Right and maybe you need to turn elsewhere for your support. Yeah, no, I've heard many people invoke this ring theory. I think it's really, really clarifying, understanding. Where do you ask for help and where do you offer help? It makes it very concrete to think about it.
B
Right. It's not that you shouldn't get help. Of course you should. It just may be that the person that you want it from isn't at this mom equipped to give it to you. And maybe they will be when they get a little bit further along with their grieving. But you definitely need support. But go to a place where you can get it.
A
This has been so helpful to me personally. I feel like I learned so much from people who are going through it, have gone through it. And Lori, you and I, we're both still dealing with it. I'm dealing with it a few months. You're dealing with it several years.
B
I think about my dad all the time.
A
Yes.
B
And people think that the stages of grief that people talk about, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, those were actually meant for people who are facing their own death, not the loss of someone outside of them. And so it's interesting because those stages of grief, people think, well, I'm supposed to be going through it sequentially. No, you're not. You grieve how you grieve, but often the reality is the loss will be there forever. So I don't think that people should assume that there's some end point and you're supposed to reach this end point. And then people wonder, well, it's been this number of years. Why are you still feeling the loss?
A
Truthfully, I'm not sure I've even really taken it in yet. I do have this superstitious feeling that he's just out of town or he's away from his email or something like that, that it's temporary. I know that's irrational, but I think it's still not really sunk in for me. There's a remarkable book called the Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion about the loss of her husband. Yeah, it's such a great book, but talking about the irrationality of your thinking. They both lived in New York City, but they had spent a lot of time in California. And she said she kept thinking, it's three hours earlier in California. Is John still alive there? And I was like, I absolutely understand that kind of thinking. It's like, wait, maybe he hasn't died yet. In a different time zone. It's just the brain. It's hard to take it in.
B
There's a term called your psychological immune system, and that's your psychological immune system kicking in to protect you from being overwhelmed by too much at once.
A
Yes, well, weigh in. Or if you have more questions, go to thesesenseouspodcast.com Coming up, we're shifting gears. We are going to tackle a question from a listener who feels like her husband listens to ChatGPT more than he listens to her. But first, this break. Nothing really resets a day like sitting down to a home cooked meal. And for me, HelloFresh has made cooking at home feel doable, even on weeks when everything else feels busy.
B
What's nice about hellofresh is that it brings people together with meals that are simple and genuinely satisfying. Even on a packed weeknight.
A
I actually use hellofresh and it's changed how often I cook dinner at home. I like having real choices with more than 100 recipes every week and meals that feel comforting without being boring.
B
You can also choose from more than 35 high protein recipes each week, including new Mediterranean and GLP1 friendly options made with wholesome ingredients like sustainably sourced seafood and 100% antibiotic and hormone free chicken.
A
Quality really shows up. There's now three times the seafood for no upcharge, grass fed steak, ribeyes and seasonal produce like pears, apples and asparagus. Which makes the meals feel special without exporting extra effort.
B
Because when dinner tastes this good, nothing hits like home cooking. And Honestly, I use HelloFresh because it's a reliable, low stress way to handle dinner. When I don't feel like overthinking it.
A
Go to hellofresh.com since you asked 10fm to get 10 free meals plus a free Zwilling knife, a 144.99 value on your third box offer valid while supplies last, free meals applied as discount on first box. New subscriber numbers only varies by plan. Lori what I like about JLab is that no matter what your mood, there's a JLab headphone for everyone.
B
Exactly. Whether I'm working out to music, listening to podcasts, or just trying to unwind, there's a JLab that fits and they deliver superior sound, smart design and real value.
A
The JBuds pods are a great example. Sleek stem design, 56 hours of playtime and powerful noise canceling. What I appreciate is that not having to think about charging them all the time, they just keep going.
B
The JBuds Lux are another favorite. They've got 70 hours of playtime, hybrid active noise canceling and cloud foam cushions. I love how lightweight and comfortable they are, especially if you're listening all day.
A
And if you want to go beyond headphones, JLab even has the JBuds party speaker with up to 12 hours of playtime and customizable LED lights to set the mood anywhere.
B
For every move, for every mood, for everybody. You express your true self with JLab.
A
Look for the blue box at retailers everywhere or shop jlab.com and use code since you asked for 15% off your order today.
B
If you're a therapist listening, you already know that your work doesn't end when the session does. There's scheduling, notes, billing and insurance follow ups. All of the admin that happens before and after the work you actually care about. And that part can really add up, right?
A
It's the part of the job that people don't always see. But it takes real time and energy.
B
Which is why I want to share Simple Practice SimplePractice is an all in one EHR that's HIPAA compliant, high Trust certified and built specifically for therapists. It brings scheduling, billing, insurance and client communication into one place so you're not bouncing between different systems all day.
A
Automated appointment reminders help reduce no shows and note templates make documentation faster so the business side of your practice practice can feel lighter and more manageable.
B
And whether you're just starting out or growing your practice, there's also a credentialing service that takes the headache out of insurance enrollment, which can be a huge help.
A
So if you're ready to simplify the business side of your practice, now is a great time to try Simple Practice. Start with a seven day free trial, then get 50% off your first three months.
B
Just go to SimplePractice.com to claim the offer. Again, that's SimplePractice.com. And we're back. Okay, so we're switching gears. We are going to jump into a question from a listener. Last week we gave you this question to think about. It's from Krista and it's a very timely question. It's a challenge that many people are struggling with and it is particularly tough because it's a very new kind of issue to face. So since you asked, let's tackle it.
A
Krista writes, My husband discovered ChatGPT six months ago and it's gotten kind of intense. He's a software engineer so I get that he's drawn to it, but now he consulted about everything our arguments, parenting decisions, even what to say to me when I'm upset. He will literally pause mid conversation to Ask the AI for advice. Part of me is glad he's trying to work on himself and communicate better, but it feels like there's a third presence in our marriage now. When I told him this bothered me, he showed me a chatgpt analysis of my complaint. He was so earnest, like, see, it says, you're feeling unheard. And that's valid. The irony. I'm a speech pathologist, so I spend all day thinking about human connection. Maybe that's why this bugs me. People journal, people call friends. Is this really that different, or is he literally outsourcing our relationship instead of sitting with discomfort and figuring out his own feelings? Is this actually concerning, or do I just need to get over my resistance to AI? This is so timely, right? Aren't you hearing more and more about AI in relationships? This is a very new issue for humankind. We are at the very beginning of this.
B
It really is. It's interesting. She says, isn't this the same thing as journaling or talking to a friend? And my answer would be, no, it's not. Because when you journal yourself reflecting when you're talking to a friend, you're thinking through it a little bit more. And I think with AI, you just want it to tell you what to say, but you're not really metabolizing what's going on. And I'm not opposed, by the way, to using AI in helping people understand relationships. So let's talk a little bit about what that balance might look like.
A
I have a friend who says that he uses it all the time to help him in his marriage, and he says that he's found it really helpful, but I don't think he ever pulled it out mid argument and was like, look at the screen. See what it says. Yeah, let's talk about how to think about how to bring in the benefits of it, but manage it in a way that it doesn't feel like an unwanted third presence that's getting in the way of direct communication.
B
I think it's not about resisting technology. She's asking for something relational. She's saying, when I'm vulnerable, I want you to show up as yourself first and not a messenger of the AI.
A
Yes. That's such a good way to think about it. Yes.
B
And I wonder if maybe some people could be a little bit on the spectrum or they really have trouble relationally. And I think in that sense, the AI can be very helpful. It can help you understand, oh, my partner might be thinking this right now. Whereas maybe that's hard for you to take that other Perspective, or I know what I want to say, but I don't say it right and it ends up coming out all wrong. And then it exacerbates the problem. So I understand his instinct, but maybe there's a way to use it that doesn't feel like what she called the third presence in the room. It doesn't feel so invasive and obstructive to what's happening between them in that moment.
A
Kind of an irony. He's using a machine to understand her instead of just listening to her directly.
B
Yeah.
A
And I think one thing too, reminding him that the AI isn't right. I think sometimes he. People are like, oh, it's gotta be right. Like it's the best answer. It's the most scientifically validated answer or something. And I wonder if he does that, if he'll sort of use it as an adjudicator if she doesn't say that. That would be very annoying if it was like, this is right. But even in its interpretation of the situation, it's not like it's right.
B
Yeah, I've seen that so much. The situation you're talking about, where people will come into therapy and they will show me. AI Said that when I had this conversation with my partner, that I was right. As if it's the arbitrator. She's not saying that's what's happening, which is good. He might think AI is always right. And sometimes AI is going to be misattuned to her, obviously. Yes. And so he might still get it wrong by using AI and he's not getting that practice of trial and error that we get when we try to get to know our partners. You want to know their operating instructions. So what does it mean for your partner when you respond this way versus that way? AI doesn't know that about your partner, but you get to learn that by interacting in real time with your partner. So what is our advice?
A
Well, I think our advice is the same advice we give every time. So let's just stipulate. Have you talked to him about how you feel? Have you started to say, I feel like you're not listening to me directly? I feel like there is this third presence. I feel like you're not sitting in an uncomfortable situation. What is it doing for you? Why do you feel like it's helpful? Is he finding that it's giving voice to feelings that he was having a hard time expressing? Or does he feel like he's getting more clarity that maybe he didn't really quite understand before? Maybe she'd feel better about it if she understood better why he thought it.
B
Was useful and what is his fear? It seems like he's afraid of saying the wrong thing. And maybe she can reassure him that saying the wrong thing and repairing it together, it builds intimacy in a way that the perfectly crafted response that comes from AI won't necessarily do that because it doesn't feel authentic. It feels like AI is saying this and when he just bumbles through it. Right, which we all do at times, you get to a different place with someone. So maybe it's not about don't use AI. Maybe it's about let's have some AI free zones. So, yeah, no mid conversation consultations. Maybe stay in the moment and let's see what happens. And then if you're still feeling like you want to get some feedback on it after our conversation, go ahead, use the AI and let's talk about it. We can even use the AI together and maybe it can help us communicate better with each other.
A
I think that's really a good idea. Because if he finds it really valuable, you don't want this to turn into an argument of, is ChatGPT a useful source of information? Because then that just becomes a conversation about AI. This is not a conversation about AI. This is a conversation about connection, the relationship and feeling heard. And so if you acknowledge, wow, I see that you're really finding benefits to it, but this is how it's influencing me. This is how I'm experiencing it. Let's find a way to use it to help us connect together better in a way that works for both of us rather than me feeling sort of shut out by it.
B
So I think the idea is in the middle of a conversation, that's not the time to use AI. Let's try to be here together, and if we are still confused together, we can go on AI and try to figure out what has gotten in the way. And we might learn tools so that we need AI less.
A
Lori, I just had an idea. Okay. Isn't this a therapy thing where you make each person take the other person's position and say you pretend to be him and she pretends to be you? It might be that even explaining what the issues are, having to articulate that to put it into ChatGPT itself might be clarifying even if you didn't get an answer because you're forced to give voice to what you think is the issue.
B
Yes, yes, there's a way to do this. People get really afraid of AI. And I think that for some people, there is some Use for it. The question is, how do you negotiate that as a couple? So that's for them to figure out. But it's not about, she's right, he shouldn't use AI or he's right, he needs to use AI. It's how do you bring AI into a relational conversation and use it to learn tools to better communicate with each other? Just the way you would use a therapist to learn tools to communicate better with each other? Where does AI fit into that? And that's a negotiation that the two of you can have. And don't consult AI on that, by the way. Do not have that conversation, but don't be having that conversation with AI. You two figure that out.
A
Everybody tell us what you think. This is happening more and more. Do you value AI? Has it been useful to you? If so, how have you used it? Have you run into an issue like this? I would love to hear from people, I would love to return to this because I think there's opportunity here to use a new tool, but we want to use it wisely.
B
Right, and how do you use AI for connections? Because I think a lot of people, they're using it because they want to connect. They're not using it because they want to disconnect. They're using it because they want to improve their relationships. They want to feel more connected to somebody else. They want to do something that maybe they don't feel like they have the skills to do. So how are you using AI? Where's the line for you? We'd love to hear your thoughts on this person's dilemma, but also how it's happening in your own life.
A
Absolutely. Well, coming up, it's time for our popular segment Wisdom of Crowds, where we report on your responses to a thought provoking question. This time, it's about the benefits of stopping doing something. But first, this break.
B
If you've ever wished that you could sit in on honest conversations between couples, the kind that usually happen behind closed doors, this is one worth listening to.
A
Jay Shetty has a new Audible original series called Messy Difficult Conversations for deeper Connection. And it's not about perfect love love. It's about practiced love.
B
In each episode, Jay guides three couples as they work through real issues. Resentment, broken trust, old patterns that keep showing up. There's no script, no filters and no certainty about how things will turn out.
A
You're listening in as they navigate the complicated terrain of modern relationships. And through those coaching sessions, Jay shares tools you can actually use. Things like communicating with clarity and compassion, breaking cycles of blame and withdrawal. Creating emotional safety and rebuilding trust.
B
There are also moments about turning everyday interactions into rituals of appreciation, which feels especially relevant when relationships get busy or stressful.
A
Emotional, inspirational and at moments even transformational. This is Messy Love.
B
Listen to Jay Shetty's new Audible original series Messy Love Difficult Conversations for deeper.
A
Connections connection go to audible.com messylove to start listening today. I tried a few pieces from Quint recently because I'm always looking for clothes that making getting dressed feel simpler. Not fuzzy, not precious. Just the kind of thing you can wear on a normal day and still feel pulled together. I cannot tell you how much I am loving my new cashmere sweater. It is a staple for sure.
B
Quince is all about elevated essentials that feel elegant, effortless. Designed for layering and mixing, each piece helps build a timeless wardrobe made to last with versatile silhouettes and thoughtful details. They're the kind of styles you wear again and again. They've got the wardrobe staples with quality that's made to last 100%. Organic cotton sweaters Premium denim made with stretch for all day comfort luxe cotton cashmere blends perfect for the changing seasons. I have a few of those. Everything you need for a wardrobe that actually lasts.
A
And Quince works directly with safe ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen. So you're not paying for brand markup, just high quality clothing. Quince uses the highest quality materials like 100% European linen and organic cotton. Everything is built to hold up season after season.
B
Refresh your wardrobe with quince. Go to quince.com since you ask for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com since you ask to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com since you asked Chime is changing the way people bank fee free and smarter banking built for you. Not like old school banks that charge you overdraft and monthly fees.
A
Chime isn't just another banking app. They unlock smarter banking for everyday people with products like MyPay giving you access to up to $500 of your paycheck anytime and getting paid up to two days early with direct deposit. Some old banks still don't do this.
B
Forget overdraft fees, minimum balance fees and monthly fees.
A
And Chime turns everyday spending into real rewards and progress.
B
Bank free overdraft coverage you can count on helps you build credit history stress free. Get paid when you say up to $500 earn up to 3% APY on savings 8 times higher than a traditional bank. Rated 5 stars by USA Today for customer service. Real humans 247 and they have the Chime Card.
A
It's the new way to build credit history with your own money and get rewarded every single day. No annual fees, no interest and no strings attached. And when you get qualifying direct deposits, you get 1.5% cash back on eligible Chime Card purchases. My younger self would have benefited from this, especially the paycheck part. I can see how having more control there would change the whole week. Chime is not just smarter banking, it is the most rewarding way to bank. Join the millions who are already banking free today. It takes just a few minutes to sign up. Head to chime.com since you asked. That is chime.com since you asked. We're back with the segment Wisdom of Crowds where we post a thought provoking question on social media and report back on how people responded. This week's question was definitely one of the highest engagement questions that we have posted to date. We got so many interesting responses we're going to just hit some of the highlights, but thank you everybody for responding. Such an interesting question and that is what is something you stopped doing that improved your life more than starting something new? I think this is super helpful to remember because I think sometimes you always feel like you have to start something new, but sometimes stopping is the best way to go.
B
This is why we got so many responses. We will share more of them in an upcoming episode, but here are some that caught our attention today. Lorna said, Cooking dinners every night and weekly house cleaning. We are both retired. When you are looking at the last 25 to 30 years of life, what brings joy? Skip the rest. It's okay not to get it all done today. There's tomorrow.
A
Love it. Crystal says Getting breaking news alerts and emails on my phone. The news does not get to jump scare me randomly throughout every day anymore. I still check the news but when I'm as ready as I can be for whatever fresh horrors await, I think this is great advice. I've turned off my notifications as well.
B
In therapy sometimes when people are anxious we say schedule some time to worry so that you do like 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes and you know that you're always going to have time to do it. Same with the thing about whether it's news alerts or getting other people's texts, you can decide how you want to engage with that. Andrea said, I quit wearing uncomfortable shoes and skirts to work. I Steve Jobs my work wardrobe. Steve Jobs famously wore a black T shirt and jeans every day to work so he wouldn't have to use any cognitive energy on that.
A
Yes. Saving the decision fatigue for Apple. Yeah.
B
I Steve Jobs my work wardrobe and instead have a uniform of black pants and solid black sneakers and then just change the tops. I don't have to put mental power into dealing with outfits this way. And everything matches and is comfortable.
A
I have a friend who does this. She only wears like orange sweaters, jeans and running shoes or boots.
B
Very easy.
A
And she loves it. Yep, Yep. Jeannie has a great one. I stopped keeping everything I'm given. I say no thank you if it's offered or if it's free swag. I say thank you very much if it's a gift. But then it immediately goes into the donation pile without guilt. If I won't use it, I don't want it. I have so many tote bags, I cannot turn down a tote bag. I'm like, just say no to the tote bag. So I think not taking free swag and re gifting. That's really good advice.
B
Yep. Janine said, I unfollowed my business competition online. It wasn't doing me any good and only getting me agitated and comparing. Now I'm minding my own small business. Compare and despair.
A
Lisa said, I stopped using a digital clock in my bedroom and now sleep so much better because I'm not constantly looking at it to calculate how much more sleep I could possibly get. I use my phone's alarm anyway, so the only thing the digital clock was doing was stressing me out when I was trying to get to sleep. This is actually something that researchers suggest to people who are having trouble sleeping is don't look at the clock. Because people, they get very stressed out about the fact that they're awake and that makes it harder for them to get to sleep. So this is a very wise thing to stop doing.
B
Susan said, I stopped drinking Diet Coke at home. I have it occasionally when I'm out. Used to drink two to three cans a day. I feel so good. Much fewer cravings for sweets. So this is very near and dear to my heart because as everybody knows, I stopped drinking Diet Coke completely several years ago. And I am one of those people. Gretchen, we talked about this in the Candy Dish episode where there are people who just have to completely abstain or there are people who can do things in moderation. My whole thing is I can't just drink some Diet Coke like on an airplane, but some people can do that for me. I had to cut it out completely.
A
But it's funny because you can be a moderator when it comes to sugar. Like you can have a little bit of sweets that way, whereas I gave up sugar altogether. But I drink so much Diet Coke with that, I'm like, I can have as much as I want because I don't eat flour, rice, starchy vegetables, sugar, all those things. I think the important thing is to find the thing that you feel like you're happier if you don't consume it. Maybe it would be easier to give it up than to try to regulate it in moderation and different people make different choices. Some people give up tv, some people give up certain apps because sometimes it's just easier to give it up altogether than to try to manage it.
B
Yeah, Diana said. I stopped having my work email on my phone slash tablet. I have a knowledge work job, always have for almost 30 years, including the last six as a business owner. And the only way I can get mental space after the workday is done is not to have email on my phone. A lot of people are doing that. They're getting the phones that don't have email and people are saying it's really changing their lives.
A
Huh? Leslie said. Realizing that not everything is a job worth doing is worth doing well, it led to extreme perfectionism and sometimes task paralysis As a result. Some jobs just need to be done, but not perfect. This reminds me of two of my favorite aphorisms. One is by G.K. chesterton. If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly. And Voltaire, who famously said, don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. I think those are very good to keep in mind.
B
Cynthia said. I am racking my brain and realize I never stop anything. I always frame things as starting. It's more positive. For example, I didn't stop being sedentary. I started exercising. I didn't stop eating so many carbs, I started eating more protein. It's all in how you look at things, I guess.
A
This is really interesting because I have found so much that framing is so important, like with habits and vocabulary is important, what metaphors you invoke and what Cynthia is pointing out is the difference between an approach goal and an avoidance goal. So an approach goal is you're moving towards a desired outcome and with an avoidance school, you're moving away from something that you don't want. And so people differ in what appeals to them. I have no trouble stopping. But for some people, that's just not compelling. They always want to frame as the starting, but almost everything you can frame either way. She's very wise to pick the way that strikes a chord with her.
B
Yeah, it's the difference between letting go and creating something new. Right.
A
You get to do it or you have to do it.
B
Yeah, exactly.
A
How about you, Lori? Is there anything that you stopped doing that made you very happy?
B
Well, other than Diet Coke, which has made me incredibly happy.
A
I'm drinking your share.
B
Lots of iced tea, unsweetened. I think for me, I stopped saying yes to anything that I wouldn't want to do, but felt that I should. So I always felt like I should do this, whether it was socially or professionally I should do this. And it was very hard to turn things down. And I think that when things are far away, you think, I don't really wanna do it, or I'm not that excited about doing it, but I really should. It'll be good for me. So I'll just put that on my calendar for however many months from now. And then the thing comes up and I still don't wanna do it. You were talking about framing, and for me, now I frame it with, if I had to do this tomorrow, would I say yes or no? And if my answer is no, then I say no. If I think, yeah, I could see myself doing this tomorrow, then the answer is yes. And it's really made me prioritize differently. That's become my litmus test. What about you, Gretchen? Besides quitting sugar?
A
Well, Lori, and you're a writer too, and so maybe you'll identify with this is when a book is done, you review it and you review it and you review it and you proofread it and you copy it. And it's a lot of work, and it's very high concentration because you're really looking for things. And I realize that's a bad use of my time because at a certain point, you're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, as they say. You're not doing anything significantly, and it was just taking a lot of mental energy. It's not creative because it's too late to make any true creative choice. And yet it's hard to let go. I'm somebody who I will edit even the most inconsequential email 10 times. I just edit, edit, edit. And what comes back to this idea of don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good, or don't get overwhelmed with this idea of perfection in a way where you're not doing anything helpful at this Point. You just don't want to let it out of your hands. So now I will have a moment where I'm like, I have to say this is the point where I'm going to let it leave my hands and do that earlier. And that has helped me a lot the last couple times that I've been working on a major project.
B
I really relate to that when turning in my books.
A
And yeah, it's stressful.
B
There's a finality to it where you feel like, wait a minute, this is gonna be out there for a very long time.
A
And you know there's a typo in there somewhere. You know, there's a missing word.
B
Yeah. Or you could phrase something a little bit differently. You know, what's really helped me with it was I realized that every time I have a book come out, I'll see something and I think, you know what? I might have edited it this way. But it doesn't matter because everybody reading it, they don't know what the thing is that I would have changed it to. And they were perfectly satisfied with whatever went out there. They liked the book, it was fine. I did the best that I could with the time that I had. And there's always gonna be something that you see with the perspective of a year or two years later. So it really doesn't matter that much. It's really just in our own heads, but it's not in our readers heads exactly.
A
Well, this is so fascinating. Now, we post interesting questions like this one every week. So check out our social media accounts and weigh in, and we will be highlighting your responses in our next episode.
B
And before we go, we have a question that we want you to ponder before next week. This is the question that we will be discussing at the top of the next episode. This is a very, very messy and interesting question. The question goes like this. Our listener wanted to be anonymous. My father is in hospice and has maybe two months left. He had an affair 30 years ago that resulted in twins, a boy and a girl, who are now 29. My mother never knew. He paid child support quietly, and he's had minimal contact with them their whole life. I only found out about them five years ago when he told me during a health scare. Now he's asking me to promise I'll never reach out to them. He says it would destroy my mother to find out. And his greatest fear is dying knowing his secret might come out. He wants me to let them fade away and just act like they don't exist. But I keep thinking about them. They're my siblings. They lost their mom two years ago, and now they're about to lose their dad. Except they don't even know he's dying because he won't tell them. I look them both up online. The girl lives 40 minutes from me. Do I promise him this so he can die in peace even if it's a lie? Or do I tell him I can't make that promise and let him spend his final weeks worried? I don't even know what I want to do about my half siblings yet, but the idea of promising to erase them forever feels wrong.
A
Secrets, Laurie so many of our questions revolve around secrets.
B
Yes, and the challenges around what happens when people are keeping secrets and the ripple effects that someone's secret might have. We're going to talk about this next week, and we want to hear from you. Tell us again@theseinceyouaskpodcast.com what advice you might give to this listener.
A
Yes, and that is it for today. Remember, we want you to weigh in thesenseuspodcast.com Rate us, review us, and best of all, tell a friend. Word of mouth is the way that most people find their podcasts.
B
Friends. Tell friends about podcasts. That's being a good friend.
A
And remember, whether this podcast changes your life or just makes you laugh, we're glad you're here.
B
Since you asked is for entertainment purposes only and isn't a substitute for professional advice. By sending us your question, you're agreeing.
A
We may use it on the show.
B
And edit it for length or clarity.
A
Are you looking for ways to make your everyday life happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative? I'm Gretchen Rubin, the number one best selling author of the Happiness Project, bringing you fresh insights and practical solutions in the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast. My co host and happiness guinea pig is my sister, Elizabeth Craft. That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer in Hollywood. Join us as we explore ideas and hacks about cultivating happiness and good habits. Check out Happier with Gretchen Rubin from Lemonada Media.
Episode Title: How Do We Help People Grieve? Plus: When AI Starts Mediating Your Marriage
Release Date: February 17, 2026
Hosts: Gretchen Rubin & Lori Gottlieb
Producer: Lemonada Media
This episode of "Since You Asked" tackles two deeply relevant listener questions. First, Gretchen and Lori explore the complexities of grief, sharing personal experiences and crowdsourced advice on supporting oneself and others through loss. Second, the hosts address a new dilemma of our digital age: What happens when AI tools like ChatGPT become mediators in marriage, potentially displacing authentic human connection? The conversation weaves together candid stories, therapeutic insights, and practical advice, all with the familiar heartfelt candor of Gretchen and Lori.
[03:21–05:49]
[07:50–11:29]
[11:52–16:36]
[16:06–19:25]
[14:57]
[19:39–21:02]
[25:24–26:37]
[26:37–29:49]
[29:49–32:41]
Advice to Krista:
Open an explicit conversation with her husband about how the overuse of AI makes her feel.
Explore his motivations: Is it fear of saying the wrong thing? Is he seeking tools for communication, or outsourcing emotional discomfort?
Construct “AI-free zones” during emotionally charged conversations, but allow for AI as a reflective tool after.
“Saying the wrong thing and repairing it together, it builds intimacy in a way that the perfectly crafted response that comes from AI won't necessarily do.”
— Lori Gottlieb [30:26]
“This is not a conversation about AI. This is a conversation about connection, the relationship, and feeling heard.”
— Gretchen Rubin [31:23]
Collaborative Tool, Not a Third Presence: Use AI as a joint resource after discussion—not a replacement for direct engagement.
[33:26–34:12]
[37:56–48:13] Hosts share audience input on a provocative question: “What is something you stopped doing that improved your life more than starting something new?”
Highlights:
Notable Quotes:
[48:24–50:11]
Throughout the episode, Gretchen and Lori maintain their signature blend of warmth, vulnerability, and clear-eyed pragmatism. They model how to hold difficult emotions—grief, discomfort, frustration—with compassion, and stress the ongoing nature of both personal and cultural adaptation (whether to grief or disruptive technologies like AI). At all times, advice is grounded, empathetic, and non-judgmental, making space for humor, sorrow, and thoughtful listener engagement.
This episode is a rich, wide-ranging conversation on two of life’s most pressing, contemporary dilemmas: how we grieve and how we integrate new technologies into our most intimate relationships. Listeners walk away with practical tools for both supporting the grieving and negotiating boundaries in the digital age—plus reassurance that whatever you’re feeling, you’re not alone. The episode also previews a complex family secret that will be unraveled next time.