How Do You Set Money Boundaries with Family? Plus: Save It for Later or Use It Now?

Summary

Podcast Summary: Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin Episode: How Do You Set Money Boundaries with Family? Plus: Save It for Later or Use It Now? Air Date: March 17, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode, happiness expert Gretchen Rubin and therapist Lori Gottlieb tackle two core dilemmas from listeners: setting financial boundaries with family—specifically, a mother-in-law whose spending habits impact her adult children—and the psychology behind "saving things for later" versus "using the good stuff now." The hosts also revisit a listener update about a husband secretly meeting his ex—exploring the complexities of trust, transparency, and cultural attitudes toward friendships with exes. The tone is empathetic, practical, and infused with humor, personal stories, and thoughtful listener insights.

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Key Segments & Insights

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1. Follow-Up: Husbands Meeting Exes in Secret

Timestamps: 03:31–11:43

• Listener Recap: A wife discovers her husband meets annually with an ex on the anniversary of her father’s death—which was unknown to her for years.

• Core Issue: Most listeners agree the act isn't inherently wrong; rather, the secrecy that undermined trust was troubling.

  Listener Quotes & Highlights:

  • "Keeping part of that alive feels like a natural thing to long for... Sometimes I hang with old friends to find the last place I left that side of myself."
    —[04:36] Listener, Teresa

  • "The secrecy is what I find most troubling. If he had been forthcoming about this annual meetup from the beginning... it wouldn't diminish my trust."
    —[04:54] Listener, Olivia

  • "Part of the love I share with my husband consists of having trust in each other's honesty and kindness towards other people."
    —[05:12] Listener, Josie

• Host Perspectives:

  • Gretchen admits she might have shrugged it off, while her husband strongly disagreed—"Of course I would tell you. This is bonkers." [06:05]
  • Lori references the "Gilmore Girls" plotline about secret meetups and eventual reconciliation via transparency. [06:17]

• Cultural Nuance:
  Ophelia notes, "the culture where being friends with an ex is off limits poisons this one..." [06:58] Both hosts affirm: open conversations matter more than blanket rules.

• Advice Takeaway:
  "Talk about it. Talk about it with the other person and say, how do you feel about it?" —Gretchen [08:25] Lori contends that accompanying the spouse to such meetups can feel like monitoring, not genuine socializing. [08:51]

• Conclusion:
  Trust, not the meetup itself, is the primary concern. "It's not the issue of the meeting up once a year... but of not talking about it." —Lori [10:59]

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2. Main Advice: Money Boundaries with Family

Timestamps: 11:43–25:29

• Listener Dilemma (Claire):
  Claire’s mother-in-law (MIL), who retired at 57 after inheriting a substantial sum, has continued to support charities and others to the point of depletion. Having lived with Claire's family for 12 years (rent- and bill-free), MIL is now asking for more help with ongoing costs like life insurance and cell phone bills. Claire feels "enraged" by her MIL’s lack of accountability and the sense that the family is subsidizing her poor choices.

  Key Listener Quote:
  "To watch her own child provide that which she refused to provide for herself feels like a weird generational entitlement."
  —Claire [12:51]

• Host Analysis:

  • Lori notes Claire’s use of "we are helping her as much as I want" signals this is less about shared household decisions and more about Claire's individual beliefs. [13:21]
  • The hosts stress the importance of clarifying:
    • What was discussed when MIL moved in?
    • Whose values and beliefs drive household financial help? [14:41]

• Emotional Underpinnings:

  • Lori suspects Claire’s anger is partly about unexpressed resentment—possibly more at her husband than the MIL—given the sacrifices involved. [16:18]
  • Gretchen suggests part of the urgency may stem from their son entering college and financial priorities shifting. [17:05]
  • Both underscore the overlap of financial stress, multigenerational living, and shifting family dynamics.

• Actionable Advice:

  1. First, Talk as a Couple:
     "Can we talk about what it's like having your mother live with us?... What does this mean now that our son is leaving? How are we both feeling about that?" —Lori [18:28]
  2. Then, Address Money Directly:
     "If we weren't spending this money on your mother, maybe we could spend it on things that are more meaningful to us." —Lori [18:28]
  3. With the MIL:
     "Her money is hers to spend, but you can absolutely choose not to fund those decisions. You don't have to cover her necessary expenses so she can make those optional choices." —Gretchen [21:11]
  • Pitfall Warning:
    Gretchen: "So many people are just so avoidant when it comes to money… especially where money is involved, want to run the other direction." [23:29] Lori cautions against an accusatory approach; instead, frame the discussion around upcoming family changes and mutual feelings, not as a list of grievances. [23:48]

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3. Wisdom of Crowds: Save It for Later or Use It Now?

Timestamps: 30:06–38:44

• Poll Results:

  • 58% identify as "save it for later" people
  • 42% as "use it now" people

• Listener Reflections:

  • Many share stories of hoarding candles, perfumes, or souvenirs—often to the point that they expire or become useless.
    • "I put the crystal water glasses into the regular rotation. Some of them broke... but I'm not regretting it." —Vera [31:22]
    • "We bought candy and snacks and never ate them because they were 'too special.' Sadly, almost everything had expired..." —Thessaly [32:38]
    • "My 6-year-old daughter is now using the stickers I saved when I was her age." —Sabrina [35:10]

• Hosts' Takes:

  • Lori: A self-identified "use it up now" convert, she prefers enjoying things in the moment and clearing psychological clutter. [35:24]

  • Gretchen: Self-described "save it for later," even as she tries to be more present. Shares humorous anecdotes: white T-shirts kept pristine, unopened charging cords, buying two sticker books to keep one untouched. [35:41–38:07]

  • Quote:
    "There's a real psychology to this. For me, the psychological clutter of knowing that something is there and feeling like I should use it is worse than the off chance of not having something in the future."
    —Lori [36:57]

• Takeaway:
  Both agree the impulse to "save" often backfires, leading to clutter or regret, and that intentional use—embracing beautiful or functional items now—can be freeing and joyful.

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4. Next Week’s Question Preview

Timestamps: 42:50–43:54

• Teaser:
  An anonymous listener asks how to discuss feeling less attracted to their partner after her weight gain—a highly charged, sensitive topic.
  • "This feels adjacent to many questions we've talked about before. Who would you want to tell you a hard truth?"
    —Gretchen [43:30]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Trust and Secrecy:
  "If he had just said, you know what, I've never mentioned it. I just thought you might feel like it seemed weird. I didn't want to get into it. It's really important to her and I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I should have told you."
  —Gretchen & Lori [11:40]

• On Avoidance:
  "So many people are just so avoidant when it comes to money. Can't you just hear the husband being like, I really just don't want to get into it?... It's easier said than done."
  —Gretchen [23:29]

• On Family & Money:
  "Money is so delicate in families because it symbolizes so much. It symbolizes love, care, responsibility, control."
  —Lori [22:31]

• On Saving vs. Using Now:
  "Time alone is not ever going to make it more flattering or more comfortable."
  —Heidi (Listener), [34:10]

  "Knowing that something is there and feeling like I should use it is worse than the off chance of not having something I might need in the future."
  —Lori [36:57]

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Engaging Listener Participation

Listeners are continuously invited to share perspectives, weigh in on dilemmas, and offer their own advice. Ways to contribute:

• Submit questions at the show's website
• Share experiences, especially on family finance or multi-generational living
• Respond to next week’s emotionally loaded question on attraction and hard truths

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Summary by Sections:

• Follow-Up (03:31–11:43): Revisiting relationship secrets and trust
• Advice Request (11:43–25:29): Money boundaries with family, with emphasis on honest conversations
• Wisdom of Crowds (30:06–38:44): Save or use now, with psychological and practical reflections
• Preview (42:50–43:54): Next week’s sensitive relationship question

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Useful For:
Anyone struggling to set boundaries (financial or otherwise) with family, navigating shifting dynamics in multi-generational homes, or wondering if it’s finally time to burn that “special” candle. The episode offers practical steps, a variety of perspectives, and signature warmth and candor from both hosts.

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Episode Tone:
Supportive, reflective, honest, occasionally self-deprecating—and always encouraging thoughtful conversation.

Transcript

[Gretchen Rubin]

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this

[Gretchen Rubin]

is from Claire about her mother in law's spending. My elderly mother in law retired at 57 with what I thought would be a substantial inheritance. I'm enraged as she has no accountability to her spending habits but asks for help.

[Lori Gottlieb]

The part of the letter that immediately jumped out to me was when she says we are helping her as much as I want.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This comes back to the idea of you need to discuss what is everybody's value.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Hey Lori, Hi Gretchen.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And hey listeners. Welcome to since youe Asked, a podcast where Lori and I give our best advice to listeners who are struggling with a dilemma, whether big or small. We give our perspectives and we also include responses from Our Sense who Asks listeners I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, good habits, and human nature. I I've written many books, including the Happiness Project.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And I'm Lori Gottlieb. I'm a psychotherapist and author of the book maybe youe Should Talk to Someone. I also write the Ask the Therapist advice column for the New York Times.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Today we'll talking about a listener's question about a mother in law's bad spending habits. And we will also be debating the question of are you a save it for later person or a use the good things now person. But first, we will revisit a question that sparked a ton of responses. This was the question from the wife who discovered that her husband had been meeting up once a year with his ex girlfriend. As always, if you have a question for us, go to theseenseouspodcast.com and maybe we'll feature it on a future episode.

[Lori Gottlieb]

So let's get into our updates. Several of you wanted to respond to the husband who has been meeting up with his ex girlfriend. This was a very hot topic on socials and it opened up a bigger conversation, which is should we stay friends with an ex?

[Gretchen Rubin]

So just to review, this was a woman who found out that her husband for many years had been meeting up with his ex girlfriend for coffee on the anniversary of her father's death. They'd been together when her father died and he was close to her father. And so this was just something that they did every year. And the wife thought, well, maybe this was a nice thing to do, but how come I've never heard about it until now? And he said, oh, I thought you knew. And she's like, no, you have never mentioned it before. So what do we make of that?

[Lori Gottlieb]

Listeners had a lot to say, right? And so the question was not just is it okay that he's doing that? Because I think most people agreed that it was. The question was, why did he not tell her about it? So here's what Teresa had to say. I am for sure in the minority, but I think it's important for us to be allowed to keep parts of ourselves alive that are from our past. Past relationships are parts of ourselves, and keeping part of that alive feels like a natural thing to long for. Sometimes I hang with old friends to find the last place I left that side of myself. Doesn't mean I want to move there, but it's nice to visit. I think that most people felt like it's okay that he was having coffee with her. It was the secrecy that was the problem.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, and Olivia picked up on exactly that issue. She wrote, the secrecy is what I find most troubling. If he had been forthcoming about this annual meetup from the beginning of their relationship, I would be much more understanding. I would still think it's unusual, but it wouldn't diminish my trust. She's pointing out, it's a sense that there's something devious here.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And this goes into the bigger question of just, is it okay to be friends with an ex? Josie had this to say. My husband goes on a walk with one of his exes every few weeks. They were already separated and friends for five years before my husband and I met. I have not felt threatened ever and actually feel proud that he's supportive of her. She's single and sometimes needs the listening ear of someone that knows her very well. Part of the love I share with my husband consists of having trust in each other's honesty and kindness towards other people.

[Gretchen Rubin]

But the thing is, in her presentation of the situation, palace said that the issue for her wasn't the fact of the meeting, which she said, maybe that was admirable. It was the fact that for years he'd never mentioned it. Josie is saying that they have this trust. But trust comes from the belief that if something's important, someone will tell you this. When I first read it, I was like, my husband doesn't tell me a lot of stuff. Maybe this is perfectly fine. I don't know that I would think it was a big deal.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right. And you and I had very different ideas about that.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, and then my husband himself said, are you kidding? Of course I would tell you. This is bonkers. This is the kind of thing that it seems like you have to intentionally

[Lori Gottlieb]

be not mentioning it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And there might be many reasons for that. It's very notable that it has never been mentioned.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And this goes into what Paige said. So Paige said, ask Emily Gilmore what to do. In fact, many of you mentioned the Gilmore Girls plot. In season four, Emily discovers that her husband Richard has been meeting with his former fiance, who for decades. She's devastated, and she even moves out for a while. But they ultimately reconcile after they acknowledge the hurt, and they recommit to transparency in the marriage. And that's what we're talking about here. It's the transparency.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I have not watched Gilmore Girls. I do not know this. Oh, you're kidding. Do you know this?

[Lori Gottlieb]

Well, I know this very well. Yes. Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay. Well, people are always telling me I should watch it.

[Lori Gottlieb]

When Paige said, ask Emily Gilmore what to do. I immediately knew what she was referring to, and I think many of our listeners will, too.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Ophelia writes, I think the culture where being friends with an ex is off limits poisons this one. I can imagine people taking issue with talking about exes to the extent where they assume that their partner will freak out over it if they were upfront about having a friendship with their ex. I just can't get behind canceling a friendship because you're no longer sleeping together. Again, I don't think anybody is saying that they can't be friends or that they can't meet. It's the question of the trust that is lost if somebody feels like you're not being forthcoming. Right.

[Lori Gottlieb]

But Ophelia makes a good point, which is sometimes people don't bring it up, not because they have something to hide, but because they think that if they tell their partner, I'm friends with my ex or I'm gonna go see my ex, that the partner will say, I'm not comfortable with that. And then they have to end a friendship or have a problem in their relationship, which is not a fair position to put somebody in.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. Because they start sneaking around, not because they're actually doing something that they think needs to be hidden, but because they don't want to deal with with someone else's response.

[Lori Gottlieb]

They don't want their friendship monitored just because it's an ex, that somehow that friendship is viewed differently than other friendships. And so I think Ophelia makes a great point that our culture, as she said, poisons it, because lots of people would like to be friends with their exes, and sometimes people's partners are not comfortable with it. And that's a real couple's issue. It's not about the ex. That's about what's happening in this couple, that there's not enough trust and that you can be friends with your ex.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This goes back to that thing. Talk about it. Talk about it with the other person and say, how do you feel about it? I think that this is fine. Do you think this is fine? Why not have a conversation about it instead of just thinking, well, I just won't mention it. And then it'll never be an issue, because now it seems like a much bigger issue because it's been going on for years. Juliet said, I would say, join them for coffee from now on. Now, many people suggested this, which is just, you go along, too.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I disagree with that. I think they should have their own private time in their friendship, because this seems more like monitoring versus socializing. It feels very intrusive. It's like you need to be babysat because I don't trust you to have a friendship with this person. There should not be a chaperone in friendship.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, it seems very controlling and infantilizing too. Leonie writes, some say, let him be friends with an example. But is it really a friendship if they only meet once a year? How much can you talk in one hour to really fulfill your role as a good friend? They either meet in between as well and have a stable friendship, or he is deliberately not telling her everything after lying by omission before that. And this is what gives me a bad feeling. If it's really only a meeting once a year, why not bring it up? And why do they need to hold onto something that happened a decade ago now? I have to say that I disagree that you couldn't have a meaningful relationship an hour a year.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I agree with you, Gretchen. I think there are so many different kinds of friendship. This goes back to an earlier episode where people feel like they have to have these all or nothing friendships. Either you're the person that I can tell everything to, you're the person who's always going to be there, you're always going to be supportive. But we can have different kinds of friendships that are just as meaningful in different ways. Even if it's the person that you just meet up with once a year, and here they're meeting up over a meaningful experience that they had which was getting through her father's death, I don't get a bad feeling from that. I don't think that this means that he's seeing her more than he's saying he is. I think that truly they have this meaningful meetup once a year and that's what it is.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And I also feel uncomfortable when people say, if these are the facts, then XYZ necessarily follows. If they are saying they have a meaningful friendship, then they are meeting in between as well. And so you are being further deceived. Maybe they aren't. I think sometimes people think I can fill in the dots. If I can see these two facts, then I can be very confident I can fill in everything else in between. People do things all different ways to say this isn't a real friendship, or if it is a real friendship, they must be meeting in additional times. I think you're jumping to a lot of conclusions that aren't necessarily the case

[Lori Gottlieb]

to kind of make sense of that. I think where you and I come down, Gretchen, is that there probably is not anything wrong with the Meeting it is what is happening between them that he didn't feel he could tell her about it. And then why did he not be truthful about the fact that he was saying, well, I thought you knew. I think he had to have known that she didn't know. So there's something going on in the trust there. I just don't think the issue is the fact that he's meeting up with her once a year.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I thought I sent you a text about this is like the dog ate my homework of adults. Yes. Oh, I told you about this years ago. No, you did not. If he had just said, you know what, I've never mentioned it. I just thought you might feel like it seemed weird. I didn't want to get into it. It's really important to her and I'm

[Lori Gottlieb]

sorry I didn't tell you. I should have told you.

[Gretchen Rubin]

People had a lot to say. So a very interesting question. So now let's jump into this week's advice. Last week we gave you this question to ponder. This is from Claire about her mother in law's spending. I think many people will identify with different versions of this fundamental dilemma and here's what she wrote. Claire says, my elderly mother in law retired at 57 with what I thought would be a substantial inheritance that if managed appropriately, would keep her retirement comfortable. Instead, she has proceeded to not make appropriate decisions. She volunteers even in the case where she could have gotten paid work and given money to friends and organizations that don't stop asking for more. She moved in 12 years ago after the stock market crash decimated her account and has used the no rent or utilities savings to continue spending on vacations and charitable causes to no end. She's not extravagant by any means, but she is not living within her means and is now asking for money to pay ongoing costs like life insurance, cell phone, etc. I'm enraged as she has no accountability to her spending habits but asks for help. We are already helping her as much as I want without it affecting our household priorities. Our son is starting college this year. It's such an unnatural thing for a mother to conscript her own child and continually make bad choices. To watch her own child provide that which she refused to provide for herself feels like a weird generational entitlement. There's so much wrapped up in this.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right there is the part of the letter that immediately jumped out to me was when she says we are helping her as much as I want. Not we or how much her son wants to help. There's something about her belief system where she thinks that it's unnatural, as she says, for an adult child to help a parent. And so she has a lot of beliefs that she's bringing into this. And I don't know, as we always say, how much she has talked to her husband about this and what he believes and does he agree with that viewpoint and that way of looking at the world. And what does he want in terms of how much he wants to help? There's a lot that we don't know about the other important party in this decision.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. She mentions the household priorities, but what are the priorities? What does she mean by this? And also she says that her mother in law is making bad choices, but she's also saying she's not being extravagant, she's traveling and she's giving to charity and those are the mother in law's priorities. But again, everybody's got their own values and their own estimation of what's going on. One thing is this is Claire's mother in law, not her mother. So that's a complication. And the mother in law lives with them. So what was the nature of that decision?

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right. What was discussed at the time?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. What did they say? We'll pay for this, we'll pay for that. Logistically, financially, a lot of couples just assume we just see this the same way. And she says she's retired, but then she could also have paid work. So again, she's bringing a lot of judgment to what her mother in law is doing.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I really do wonder what they did talk about when she moved in 12 years ago. Because she says in her letter that the mother in law is retired. But then she also says but she's not taking paid work when she can because she's volunteering instead. It's not like the mother in law is just sitting around doing nothing. She's engaged in the world in lots of different ways. She's doing this volunteer work. So if she's retired, is she expected to work? If it's unclear in the letter, I imagine that whatever has been discussed with them is equally unclear. When I say discussed with them, I mean not just with the mother in law, but between Claire and her husband.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, that has to come first for sure. What is in his mind? And here's the thing. Some people will take what they can get. If you're going to pay for this, they'll have you pay for it and then they'll give money to charity, but you don't have to give it. She says she's not living within her means but of course, if you're paying all her bills, she is living within her means. This comes back to the idea of you need to discuss what does everybody think is included? What is everybody's value? What is everybody's vision, how this is all going to unfold.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right. And on an emotional level, not just a what do you think about this? But how do you feel about it? I wonder.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I know what you're gonna say. You're gonna say, how does she feel about the fact that her mother in law lives with them?

[Lori Gottlieb]

Well, right. Is she resentful of that? I agreed to have your mother come live with us, and now we're financing her too. Is there some unspoken resentment that bleeds into her? As she said, I'm enraged into her rage about helping her financially in this way. And so maybe this is really anger directed at her husband and not so much the mother in law, but the mother in law is a safer target than the husband. And so I wonder, how does Claire actually feel about the arrangement, regardless of how much she spends? And is this something that she feels like she's doing as a favor to the husband? And she's now saying, I'm making a lot of sacrifices because of this, and I'm not feeling like the balance is right here.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, and you know, what else might be going on? Is she, as a child going into college, when you have a kid who's still in high school and you're paying for somebody's cell phone bill or whatever, it doesn't seem like a big deal. And then you're facing all of the costs of college and you start feeling like, wow, we really need to prioritize our spending. It may start to feel like a much bigger burden as your own life is evolving. And that also might be something. Why is this bothering her now? That might be a reason why this is coming to a head at this moment, because she's been living with them for a long time.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And the other part of the son going to college is that it doesn't just bring up this added expense where all of a sudden you think, wow, there's a lot that's about to hit us. But also the emotional part of that, which is grief and loss and reevaluating and saying, can I think about what this time means for me? And maybe there are things that she just let slide in the busyness of raising her child and doing all the things that she does. And then now she's thinking, oh, now I have space to consider how I actually feel about this arrangement.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right Right. And she's enraged. That's a big word. So what is our advice? Okay, standard advice. Talk to your husband about this. What was the previous discussion and what is the discussion now? What is his view? What's his perspective on the situation? Because you really want to have clarity on the different perspectives that you both have on this.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right. And there are two parts of the conversation. The first part of the conversation is the emotional part. Before you even get to the beliefs and priorities about money, it's, can we talk about what it's like having your mother live with us? Can we talk about what's working well? Can we talk about some of the things that may be, some pain points that hasn't been brought up that maybe we need to address? What does this mean now that our son is leaving? How are we both feeling about that? What is this arrangement? Can we think about if we need to renegotiate anything or if we failed to negotiate anything about the emotional cost and benefits of having your mother live with us? For him, what is the importance of taking care of your mother that might be a real priority for him is I feel like that is my filial duty to take care of my mother and that brings me great joy and meaning. And for her it might be, I feel like I'm sacrificing something. And as the mom, I've sacrificed so much already and at a certain point I need my needs to be taken into account also. And maybe part of it is the financial piece, which is part two of the conversation, which is, if we weren't spending this money on your mother, maybe we could spend it on things that are more meaningful to, to us that will get them into the financial part. And the financial part, of course, is what's important to you financially. How do you think about where we want to spend our money now that our son is leaving for college?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Consider the fact that both your husband and you said, let's have your mother, my mother in law, come and live with us. She's really been hit hard by the economy. Let's have her come live with us. That's a very, very admirable thing to do.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And it might have also been really nice for their son because there's something really special about multi generational households for the grandchildren and the grandparents. And they form a very unique relationship when they're under the same roof. And maybe she was even helpful with driving places or doing some household things or errands that needed to get done. There might have been some really nice things about being in a multigenerational household. And whatever you negotiated 12 years ago might not be the case in terms of what your needs are now. So to talk about the difference between, hey, look, there were some positive things about this and also give her husband some props. So she's seeing it as a negative thing. She's saying this is unnatural. I don't think that the kids should take care of the parents. And but there's something really beautiful about the fact that her husband is the kind of person who wants to take care of his parent.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I don't know that she's saying it's unnatural that the mother in law is living with them. I think it's something like it's unnatural that her son is paying her cell phone bill. There's sort of different levels of support where somehow it feels more egregious to pay a cell phone bill than to give somebody a bedroom. And so after they have the conversation between the two of them and get a clearer sense of how they're both viewing this, then it's time to talk to your mother in law. And some of the points that you might make is we love having you here in our home, but we can't take on any additional expenses, especially we've got college. Plus you have your own future to secure. And so you could just say we really can't pay for those things because the fact is her money is hers to spend how she wants. And she wants to spend it on charitable causes or vacations or volunteering instead of getting paid for work that she can be paid for. That's not for you to do. If it's her money, it's hers to decide what she's going to do with it. But you can absolutely choose not to fund those decisions. You don't have to pay her bills, so she has money to give to charity. You don't have to cover her necessary expenses, so then she can make those optional choices. And in that conversation, you don't need to get into is it unnatural this idea she needs to be accountable? Just say, we just don't have the money to pay for those things. You have the money to pay for those things if you would choose to pay for them instead of making other choices.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I think money is so delicate in families because it symbolizes so much, symbolizes love, it symbolizes care, it symbolizes responsibility, it symbolizes control. You're getting into the nitty gritty of how they might decide to handle the money. But I think really what our advice is is that you need to talk to your husband and really understand emotionally what this means to him to be taken care of his mother, and what it means for the two of you as a couple and what it means for your finances and what your rage is about. And those kinds of things are really what we're talking about. The money stuff will resolve itself once you get clarity between the two of you. And you cannot go to the mother in law until you have clarity between the two of you, because you don't want to be sending mixed messages or being good cop, bad cop or creating resentment in the marriage. You. You have to get on the same page.

[Gretchen Rubin]

The problem is, so many people are just so avoidant when it comes to money. Can't you just hear the husband being like, I really just don't want to get into it. Let's just pay the cell phone bill. It's no big deal. Let's just drop it? It's easier said than done. We're like, sit down and have an open conversation. A lot of people, especially where money is involved, want to run the other direction. It's very hard to have that conversation sometimes.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I don't think she'll get very far if she approaches him the way she approached us in her letter. So the way to approach him is to say, hey, can we talk about all the changes in our family and our finances and how we're both feeling about the household situation? So it's not let's talk about money. It's let's talk about what's about to happen. Son's going to college, Your mother is living with us. New things are going to be happening. And so let's talk about that, because I've been thinking about certain things that maybe we haven't really discussed, and I don't know how you feel about them. And I'd like to share how I feel about them. And then she doesn't go into, I'm enraged, and we shouldn't be taking care of your mother. Here's how I think about having your mother here. I think it's lovely that we made this decision or you made this decision, and I went along with it, however it went down. And here we are at another inflection point in our lives. I'm feeling a little worried about the fact that we have all these expenses coming up and we're paying for these other things for your mom. And I wonder if we can talk about what you think her responsibilities should be, what you think our responsibilities to her should be. Let's talk about that. But not putting him on the defensive or telling him we shouldn't be paying for this specific item or that one or she should be taking paid work.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Why are you letting your mother do this?

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right? This to me is so much a couple's issue and has very little to do with the mother in law. If I were seeing these people in therapy I would I would be talking about them as a couple and having them have some really important conversations about who they are and where they are in their lives.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well everybody tell us what you think. Different versions of this come up all the time because it's so many things bundled into one 1 it's in laws always complicated 2 it's money so emotionally fraught and 3 it's big changes happening in your life which brings up all kinds of new conflicts, challenges, realizations. Let us know what you think. Have you been in this situation, what worked for you? Or weigh in with your views. Go to theseinceyouaskpodcast.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Com and if you live in a multi generational family or have thought about living in a multi generational family, we'd love to hear your thoughts on that too.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Coming up, it's time for our popular segment Wisdom of Crowds where we report on listeners response responses to a thought provoking question. This time it's about saving up or using up. But first, this break. You know those nights when you want

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[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Lori Gottlieb]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

And we're back. We have a wisdom of crowds question. Are you a save it for later person or a use the good stuff now person? And the poll says that 58% of you are a save it for later person and 42% are a use it now person and we asked people to comment or whether they could think of a time where their approach either paid off or backfired. And we got a lot of responses.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Laura said, I used to be a save it for later person but now I try to use the good stuff now. I had a lot of perfume that I only wore for special occasions. I kept them so long that they lost their scent or I had candles that I never used because I was saving them. Now I wear the perfume, burn the candles and wear my favorite clothes whenever I want.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Theresa said, I'm learning to be a use it now person. I don't have an earth shattering example, but I can tell you it's sure nicer to burn these scented candles than to hoard them in a cabinet and feel bad because my cabinet is too cluttered and full. It's funny how scented candles really weigh on people.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I think so many people, if you ask them do you have a drawer frill or a shuffle of scented candles, they probably do and they're saving them for some kind of occasion or some other time to use them and they

[Gretchen Rubin]

absolutely do go bad. The oils separate and they lose their smell. It is the kind of thing where you waste something by saving it. Vera said, I'm a saver trying to change my ways. I put the crystal water glasses into the regular rotation. Some of them broke because they're delicate, but I'm not regretting it. So it's interesting that so many people, they're savers but they want to change. They're pushing themselves to use things up to get the value out of them, to get the benefit of them.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Larissa said, Use it. Be a minimalist unless it's useful for an intermittent guest in the open door phase. I am learning to keep some items on hand for those spur of the moment occasions to shower the moment with love.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Jenny Bell says I used to be a saver, but then I started working in a field where I had to travel constantly, living for months at a time in hotel rooms or temporary apartments, then packing up and moving. I had no home base to keep my belongings and I hated lugging 12 bottles of scented lotion from place to place. Then I got a little obsessed with using it up so I could move to my next location with the absolute minimum. It became a game for me to have only what I needed, no extra stuff. That was years ago. I've now been settled in the same place for 15 years and it's become ingrained. It's become a bit of a family joke. We can't Buy groceries until we eat everything in the freezer. Okay, so that's really keeping everything in motion. Love it.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Thessaly said, oh man, I save everything for later. A time it backfired was recently when we traveled to Berlin in 2022, then Tokyo in 2025. During both trips, we bought candy and snacks and never ate them because they were, quote, too special. We opened them during Christmas week and sadly, almost everything had expired and was not very tasty. And that is the problem right there with save it for later.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. Lori said, I think a lot of us start out as the former, then move to the latter by middle adulthood. Too many declutters over the years, finding all the good stuff we saved and never used. I think that's absolutely true.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I don't mean to get morbid, but I think that a lot of people think that they're going to save things for later because there's this fantasy that we're going to live forever and there will always be later. And I think that when we accept the fact that we don't have forever, we become use it now people.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right? And like the crystal water glasses. So maybe they break, so be it.

[Lori Gottlieb]

You might as well use them and enjoy them.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And enjoy them, because what are you saving them for? That time may never come. Heidi said, for clothes, I try to make them earn a spot in my closet. If an item has been unworn for a while, I'll wear it out. If that wearing reminds me why I never wear it. Like, it doesn't fit right, the color is not great on me, whatever. I wash it, then immediately put it in the giveaway bag, not back in the closet. It's like I just realized no matter how long I save it for later, time alone is not ever going to make it more flattering or more comfortable. That's true. I think sometimes we save things thinking like, well, I don't want to use it now, but maybe down the road I'll like it better. You sort of don't want to admit those shoes are so uncomfortable. I never want to wear them and so I just won't. So you're saving them thinking that maybe at another time you'll want them instead of accepting the fact that you just

[Lori Gottlieb]

don't like it and also the guilt. So sometimes if I bought something and then I realized I don't really like it that much, I thought I liked it and then I think, but I'm going to save it because one day I will use it or I will wear it instead of just acknowledging you know what? Bad purchase. Lisa said I was a Save it for later person raised by a Save it for later person. I'm trying to be a use the good stuff now person because I do not want a lot of stuff around. Also, I see my mom who has been saving it for later now in her 80s, but still saving it for later. That's exactly what I was talking about. For me, it has never paid off. I like to purge often and many times I donated my save it for later items because they were no longer who I was, so I no longer wanted them. So I spent money on things to save only to never use and donate.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Sabrina said I'm a Save it for later person trying to raise Use it up people. My 6 year old daughter is now using the stickers I saved when I was her age. Oh, I know. Okay. So Lori, are you a save it for later or a Use it up now person?

[Lori Gottlieb]

I'm absolutely a use it up now person. I used to be a Save it for later person like the example I gave with the closet. But I've realized that I'm happier with just the things that I want in my space in front of me and anything I have I want to enjoy now. What about you, Gretchen?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, it's a huge issue for me. I'm a save it for later person, even though I really try not to be. I really identified what all the listeners are saying. I'm trying, but I have 12 personal commandments and one of them is spend out. Because I have to remind myself so constantly not to hold things back. Things like white T shirts. Like I'll buy white T shirts and then I'll be like, oh, but I want to keep these beautiful white T shirts all crisp and clean. So I'm just going to keep wearing my same ratty old white T shirts because I want to save the good ones. Or like watercolor supplies because I watercolor all the time. I want to save some of it, so it's pristine. Here is a bonkers example that I realized recently. Even unconsciously, I was clearing some clutter and I realized I had all these charging cords and I'm like, why am I saving charging cords? You don't use up charging cords. You always need more charging cords. You can always just put them in other corners or drawers, give them to people who need them. Everybody always needs more charging cords. My sister pointed this out to me. It's because they were still wrapped. You know how they come in a circle and they have the paper holding them together? My sister said if you'd broken the paper the first day, you probably would have used them. But because they were saved, they were still pristine. You wanted to keep them in that pristine state, which is bonkers.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Well, there's a real psychology to this. For me, the psychological clutter of knowing that something is there and feeling like I should should use it is worse than the off chance of not having something that I might need in the future. There's something psychological about if you had just taken off the paper around the charger, that would give it a different resonance for you. It's so interesting how psychologically we think about this.

[Gretchen Rubin]

No, it's like the white T shirts. And I'm like, I have to wear the white T shirt the next day because then it's no longer pristine. Here's another example. I love stickers. Somebody mentioned stickers. I love stickers. And John Derrian has these amazing sticker book. There's been this whole sticker book renaissance for adult stickers. And I love this book so much that I bought two of them because I was like, I can't use up the stickers in the one collection. I want to have one that's pristine, and then I'll use the stickers from the other one. This is bananas. How many stickers does one grownup use? Practically none. And yet I'm like, oh, I really, really want to have the two sticker books. This is something that I've spent way too much thinking about in my own life because I agree with you about the clutter clearing. Like, intellectually I agree with you, but I have to watch myself every second or start saving things behind my own back.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I think just knowing that if I need something, I can get it is the thing that has allowed me to change from a save it for later person to a use it now person.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That's not what it is for me, though. It's not that. It's not the idea that I need it. It's more that it's so perfect and beautiful, I want to preserve it. Yeah. Even something like a charging cord, which is not perfect or beautiful or changed by being used, and it's not even in danger to use it like crystal water glasses. It's like, this is a charging cord to me.

[Lori Gottlieb]

If something is perfect and beautiful, I want to use it. There's no point to it being perfect and beautiful if I don't get to use it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I get it, and I intellectually agree with you.

[Lori Gottlieb]

We've heard from some of you about this, but if you have further thoughts on us. Please let us know at these into as podcast.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Com. Coming up, we will share the question that we will be tackling in the next episode. This is a short, great question, but people are going to have a lot to say, so stay tuned and we will reveal the question for next week.

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[Lori Gottlieb]

Foreign. Okay, we're back. And before we go, here's the question that we will ponder in the next episode and we would love to hear your thoughts. We imagine that a lot of you will have a lot of feelings about it and it's very short, but there's a lot to unpack. And it goes like this. It's from an anonymous listener who asked, how do I tell my partner that my attraction to her has changed due to her weight gain? I don't want to feel less attraction and I feel guilty for saying it, but I'd like to tell her the truth.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This feels adjacent to many questions we've talked about before. Who would you want to tell you a hard truth? A friend or a family member? The daughter who wanted to tell her mother about her bad breath, but this is even more emotionally fraught.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes, yes, and we'll talk about it next week. But let's consider that part of our discussion will be about is partly maybe about her weight and partly a little bit about the letter writer too.

[Gretchen Rubin]

We will get into this next week, but send us your thoughts. Send them to thesenseuspodcast.com and that is it for today. Remember, you can also watch since youe asked on CNN.com watch or on the CNN app. Send us your questions. We love hearing them. Big or small, we want to hear them all.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And as always, if you enjoy the podcast, please remember to rate, review, follow or recommend the podcast. Ratings and reviews really help other people find the show.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And remember, whether this podcast changes your life or just makes you laugh, we're glad you're here.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Since you Asked is for entertainment purposes only and isn't a substitute for professional advice. By sending us your question, you're agreeing. We may use it on the show and edit it for length or clarity.