Podcast Summary: Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin

Episode: How Do You Stop Having the Same Fight Over and Over? Plus: Advice Gone Wrong!
Date: September 23, 2025
Host: Lemonada Media

Overview

This episode marks the debut of "Since You Asked," where friends and authors Gretchen Rubin and Lori Gottlieb tackle real-life advice questions from listeners. They dive into how partners manage family relationships, the challenge of recurring arguments in relationships, the complexity of giving or receiving advice—especially when it goes wrong or is unsolicited—and highlight the collective wisdom of their audience. The hosts maintain an open, thoughtful, and often humorous tone throughout, emphasizing empathy, research, and real-world experience.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Whose Job Is It To Maintain Family Relationships?

Listener Question from Laura ([00:06]-[04:19]):

• Laura feels guilty for not facilitating her husband's family connections, focusing her efforts mainly on her own side and wondering if she’s failing her family.
• Lori: Notes societal trends where the emotional labor of maintaining family ties often falls on women. Recommends having a direct, gentle conversation with her husband: “Hey, I’ve noticed that we have this pattern in our marriage around our parents. How would you like it to go?” ([04:19])
• Gretchen: Shifts the frame: “Instead of thinking of it as his family and my family, maybe a way to think about it is that it’s their family” ([05:04]). Suggests planning as a couple, systems like a monthly dinner, and modeling “no sides” for their kids.

Notable Quotes:

• Gretchen: “If there’s one thing that the research shows, it’s that relationships make us happy.” ([04:19])
• Lori: “This isn’t an in-law issue—it’s a ‘how do we as a couple navigate our family relationships together?’ issue.” ([05:47])
• Both: Stress the value and logistics of putting easy-to-maintain systems in place.

2. Poll: Should You Tell a Friend Their Partner Isn’t a Good Match? (“Wisdom of Crowds”)

([08:17]-[12:33])

• The hosts open it up to listeners. Most would only say something if directly asked (56%); a third would not say anything; only 10% said honesty is always best.
• Listener Carol: “As long as you’re okay with him never reading a story to your kids...” led to her friend breaking up with the man ([09:09]).
• Alora: Instead of giving an opinion, asks, “Are you happy?” ([09:52])
• Roy: “What I see as a mismatch, like music preferences... might not reflect their actual connection.” ([10:24])
• Some listeners regret speaking out; others see the value. The upshot: There's no universal right approach.

Notable Quotes:

• Gretchen: “One of my favorite phrases is, ‘It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.’” ([12:43])
• Lori: “Before we give advice, we might want to do a little perspective taking.” ([12:34])

3. Recurring Relationship Arguments & Communication Styles

Listener Question from Cordelia ([16:18]-[21:21])

• Cordelia asks how to stop having the same arguments about differences in styles (planning, spending, etc.).
• Both praise Cordelia’s goal—she’s not trying to change her partner, just how they handle differences.
• Gretchen: Recommends discussing issues in calm, neutral moments—not “when you feel pressed for time... hungry... or exhausted”—and seeking genuine understanding ([18:51]).
• Lori: Emphasizes approaching from curiosity, understanding partners had “decades to form their own ideas,” and finding compassionate solutions that allow both needs to be honored ([19:33]).

Takeaways:

• Don’t have these conversations in moments of stress.
• Approach with curiosity, understanding, and the goal of mutual respect—not winning.
• Allow for both partners’ needs, even if that means (sometimes) doing activities separately.

Notable Quotes:

• Gretchen: “It’s not a question of who’s right or who’s wrong. It’s a question of how do we create circumstances where we both thrive.” ([20:29])
• Lori: “...Don’t be hungry or pressed for time. Approach with curiosity, understand the why, and then find ways to respect the differences.” ([20:53], [21:05])

4. Advice Gone Wrong

([21:21]-[27:47])

• Listeners share stories of following or ignoring advice that led to surprising (often negative) outcomes.
• Gretchen: Shares a law firm story—using company letterhead for personal correspondence caused unexpected trouble ([22:57]).
• Listeners: Share stories about giving bad parenting advice (Jane), moving to a bigger but worse-located apartment (Shelley), “get in the market now” pressure on buying a home (Sarah), staying in a toxic environment for resilience (Rose), and dropping a major based on ill-fitting advice (Jess).
• Key Insight: Even well-meaning advice may not fit another’s life, and younger people especially may overvalue others’ opinions.

Notable Quotes:

• Lori: “It’s so easy to think, ‘somebody else knows better’... but sometimes we really do know what to do.” ([24:50])
• Gretchen (on her own experience): “Her dismissiveness, it sat in the back of my mind and really made me uneasy for a very long time... advice can get in our head.” ([27:07])

5. Unsolicited Advice: To Give or Not To Give?

([28:09]-[33:30])

• The hosts and listeners discuss advice they wish they could give but don’t—often to be kind or avoid conflict.
• Examples: Wanting to tell a friend their partner is toxic, warn against getting a dog before a baby, encourage a wardrobe update, ask someone to have an anxiety screening, or urge a friend to confront negativity.
• Recurring theme: Many unsolicited pieces of advice come from genuine care, but can cross into judgment or control.

Notable Moments:

• Gretchen: “A friend’s husband has very bad breath... I wish I could say something, but I will not.” ([28:09])
• Lori: “You have two ears and one mouth. There’s a reason for that ratio.” ([29:41])

6. Preview of Next Episode’s Dilemma

([33:53]-[35:18])

• A listener question about family text threads and boundary-setting, especially when one sibling’s caregiving load creates tension and judgment in the group chat.

Memorable Quotes & Speaker Attributions

• Gretchen Rubin:

  • "Relationships make us happy." ([04:19])
  • "One of my favorite phrases: 'It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.'" ([12:43])
  • "It’s not a question of who’s right or who’s wrong. It’s a question of how do we create circumstances where we both thrive." ([20:29])
  • "Advice can get in our head." ([27:07])

• Lori Gottlieb:

  • "Often people think this is an in-law issue, but really it’s a... couple's issue." ([05:47])
  • "You have two ears and one mouth. There’s a reason for that ratio." ([29:41])
  • "Before we give advice, we might want to do a little perspective taking." ([12:43])

• Listener Laura:

  • "Is it okay to just say to my husband, if you don’t care about this, then neither do I?" ([00:06])

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:06] Listener question: Family relationship dynamics
• [04:19] Discussion: Whose responsibility is in-law engagement?
• [08:17] Poll: Should you warn a friend about a bad relationship match?
• [16:18] Listener question: Stopping recurring arguments in relationships
• [21:21] Listeners’ stories: Advice gone wrong
• [28:09] Unsolicited advice: When you want to say something but don’t
• [33:53] Next episode’s preview: Boundaries and family group chats

Tone & Language

• Warm, accessible, and often humorous—typical of two friends and expert advice-givers.
• Empathic and non-judgmental, both with listeners and each other.
• Candid in sharing personal missteps and doubts—inviting listener participation and vulnerability.

Summary Takeaways

• Family and in-law relationships work best when couples approach them as joint projects, with clear communication and practical routines.
• Advice (both giving and receiving) is fraught: there is no universal right answer, and “good” advice may not fit every person or situation.
• Recurring arguments are rooted less in the issue than in unexamined communication patterns; curiosity and compassion help break the cycle.
• Unsolicited advice almost always comes from a good place but must be carefully considered—sometimes silence or a reflective question is the greatest kindness.

The hosts encourage continued listener participation and reflection, building a community where wisdom, missteps, and vulnerability lead to collective growth.