Is a Flakey Friend Worth Keeping? Plus: Badly Behaved Kids!

Summary

Podcast Summary: Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb & Gretchen Rubin
Episode: Is a Flakey Friend Worth Keeping? Plus: Badly Behaved Kids!
Date: September 30, 2025 | Host: Lemonada Media

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Overview

In this episode, Lori and Gretchen tackle three relatable dilemmas: navigating sibling dynamics around caregiving, addressing whether to speak up about friends' badly behaved children, and evaluating whether a flaky friend is worth keeping. The hosts combine personal insight, listener feedback, expert commentary, and practical frameworks to illuminate each topic. The overall tone is empathetic, constructive, and often laced with warmth and levity.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Sibling Text Chain Etiquette and Caregiver Overload

[03:08–08:32]

• Listener Story: Rebecca writes in about a sibling group text that’s become tense due to her sister's “brutally honest” messages about the burden of caregiving for their elderly parents.
• Main Issues:
  • Unequal distribution of caregiving responsibilities.
  • Sibling resentment surfacing as critical comments in the family chat.
  • Navigating boundaries and communication amidst family stress.

Key Insights:

• Gretchen (05:50): “To me, this is a cry for help from someone who's overburdened and deeply resentful.”
• Lori (05:15): Many “people pleasers become resentful, but then they don't directly say that they're resentful... So it comes out in this backward way.”
• Advice:
  • Acknowledge the effort: Explicitly recognize the sister’s work.
  • Redistribute tasks: Discuss what tangible contributions can be made from afar (financial support, scheduling services, taking on tasks remotely).
  • Separate chat groups: Consider having one text chain for caregiving logistics and another for family news and support.
  • View hurtful comments as signals: Interpret passive-aggressive messages as signals for help rather than pure hostility.

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2. Wisdom of Crowds: Friends’ Badly Behaved Kids

[08:50–14:55]

• Crowdsourced Question: Would you say something if a friend’s children were misbehaving?
• Poll Results: 29% yes, 71% no.

Selected Listener Responses & Host Reflections:

YES (29%):

• Diane: “I don't care how they behave anywhere else but at my house they will behave or I'll have a chat with them.” [09:27]
• Stephanie: “Be discerning and sensitive on how you approach it.” [10:04]
• Tommy: “If they get mad, that tells me everything I need to know about our friendship. Kids need boundaries, and so do parents.” [11:10]
• Hosts agree that advance expectations and respectful, calm communication are key.

NO (71%):

• Jennifer: “I'd rather preserve the friendship and model good behavior for all the kids instead of creating drama.” [12:29]
• Kristin: “I always tell my friends when their kids are well behaved... It's nice to hear.” [12:48]
• David: “Commenting on general behavior just creates resentment... I mind my own business and trust that parents know their own children best.” [13:41]

Host Takeaways:

• Gretchen (13:41): “This is so true... there’s so many things that you may just assume… it's a good example of how you can't make assumptions that someone's being badly behaved because maybe they don't know that it is a rule for you.”
• Lori: Positive feedback reinforces kind behavior; shaming rarely helps. Expectations and house rules should be clear and explicit.

Memorable Quote:

• Michelle: “Real friends don't let each other's kids grow up to be jerks. When a conversation could help.” [12:04]
  • Lori’s reaction: “I think we should make that a slogan.”

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3. Evaluating a Flaky Friendship

[17:25–24:25]

• Listener Question: Nick wonders if he should take his friend’s flaky behavior—always rescheduling or canceling plans—as a sign the friendship isn’t working.

Discussion Highlights:

• Gretchen: Frequency of contact matters; meeting every month or two for eight years is significant.
• Some friendships simply have an asymmetrical dynamic—one person is “the glue.”
• Lori (19:27): “You can’t order people up a la carte. There are no substitutions. You take them as they are and you enjoy the meal or you just don't order the meal.” [Repeated mantra]
• Gretchen: Introduces her "Four Tendencies" framework, focusing on the “Rebel” type: Rebels dislike commitments on their calendar and may cancel plans—even with people they like.
  • Suggests keeping plans casual and open to accommodate such personalities.

Advice:

• Don’t take it personally: The friend’s flakiness is probably about them, not about Nick.
• Adjust expectations: Have backup plans, avoid non-refundable commitments, and remember why you value the friendship.
• Open Conversation: Lori advises honest (but low-pressure) expression—let the friend know how the behavior feels, but don’t expect fundamental change. It's about “accepting the friend you have.”
• Appreciate the friendship’s glue:
  • Gretchen quotes Gertrude Stein on “the quality of keeping people together” as vital in relationships:
    • “He always had a quality of keeping people together. And now that he was gone, everybody ceased to be friends. Having that quality of keeping people together is really, really important.” [23:15]
• Lori: “If you want that connection, be the glue. It’s not a contest.” [24:10]

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4. Parenting Dilemma: New Dad’s Reluctance

[24:44–31:48]

• Listener Story: An anonymous mom writes in about her husband’s slow bonding process with their infant son after 12 years as a childless couple. She worries about his lack of engagement but notes he does provide care (feeding, changing).

Key Points:

• Life Transitions: Both hosts highlight the immense upheaval and identity change that comes with parenthood, especially after a long period as a couple.
• Gretchen: “Some people just really aren't baby people... bonding can happen along the way in many different ways.” [27:23]
• Lori: Pressure and anxiety can slow the process for everyone.
• Advice:
  • Foster conversation: Create a safe space for the husband to share his struggles.
  • Carve out adult time: Try to preserve aspects of pre-baby life to ease adjustment.
  • No “right” way to parent: Let each parent find their own style, as long as the child is safe and cared for.
  • Maintain levity: See the humor in stressful new-parent moments (“mishaps often make the best memories”—Gretchen, [31:11]).

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5. Question to Ponder for Next Episode

[32:09–34:05]

• Listener Raya’s Dilemma: Should she forgive her boyfriend’s friend’s new girlfriend—who was part of a cheating drama that made her living situation and relationships tense? Raya feels pressured to “forgive and forget” but worries about betraying her own values.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Lori: “You can’t order people up a la carte. There are no substitutions.” [Repeated mantra, 18:18; 19:43].
• Gretchen: “Having that quality of keeping people together is really, really important.” [23:15]
• Michelle (listener): “Real friends don't let each other's kids grow up to be jerks. When a conversation could help.” [12:04]
• Lori: “If you want that connection, be the glue. It's not a contest.” [24:10]
• Laura (listener update): “We do have different relationships with each of our families, and I hadn't taken that into consideration.” [01:15]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:08] – Sibling Text Chain & Unequal Caregiver Dynamics
• [08:50] – Crowd Wisdom: Friends’ Badly Behaved Children
• [17:25] – Nick’s Flaky Friend Dilemma
• [24:44] – Parenting Dilemma: New Dad’s Reluctance & Adjustment
• [32:09] – Listener Question for Next Week: Forgiveness and Morality in Messy Friend Dynamics

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Episode Tone & Style

Empathetic, conversational, and grounded in both research and lived experience. Lori’s therapist insight and Gretchen’s focus on habits and personality types yield multifaceted, actionable advice. Humor and quotable refrains lend the episode warmth and relatability.

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For more interactive questions and community wisdom, check out the podcast’s socials or submit your own dilemmas at sinceyouaskedpodcast.com.

Transcript

[Lori]

Lemonader.

[Nick]

I have a friend and I'm always the one to make the plans. He'll often cancel or reschedule. I'm wondering if I should take this as he doesn't want to continue the friendship.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This comes up quite a bit in friendship. Who is the glue that brings people together?

[Lori]

It does this question of who's initiating. I always say you can't order people up a la carte. There are no substitutions.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Foreign. Hey, Laurie.

[Lori]

Hi, Gretchen.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And hey, since youe Askers. We are here for another round of advice. So, Lori, what are we going to talk about this week?

[Lori]

Well, we have so many interesting letters and I think a lot of people will relate to them. We're going to be talking about etiquette on a sibling text chain, how to handle an unbalanced friendship, which I think a lot of people can relate to.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Lori]

And a parenting dilemma around a major life change.

[Gretchen Rubin]

But before we jump in, here is a quick update from our listener, Laura. In the last episode, we talked about her question about whether it was okay to let her husband be in charge of making plans for his side of the family. And here's what she said.

[Laura]

I really appreciated the advice I got back. I think one thing I may have omitted in my original question is also that my husband has a different relationship with his family due to how he grew up and stuff going on with his parents when he was younger. And things are, without getting too into it, a little bit more complicated. And so part of what I was reflecting on after I listened to the advice was it's about the relationships and that maybe we don't need to have the same relationships, like the same level of intimacy with both sides of the family. Because I, I don't know that that is that important to my husband because he wants to sort of keep his boundaries, set up and take care of himself in the way that he knows how after having more traditionally complicated relationships with his side of the family. So I do like the framing of it's about how we want those relationships to go as a family as opposed to your versus mine. And I think part of that is also me respecting that he may have and or want a different relationship with his side of the family based on where they're coming from. Thanks again.

[Lori]

What I think is so important about Laura's response is that so many times we make assumptions about why the other person is or isn't doing what makes us so frustrated. She said, I feel like I have to make the plans for both sides of the family. But then when she reflected on it more, she really thought about, you know what? We do have different relationships with each of our families, and I hadn't taken that into consideration.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And it's good they can think of our family as opposed to yours versus mine, but those relationships might look different.

[Lori]

That was something that a lot of listeners really responded to was this idea of how do we navigate whatever challenges there are as a family, as opposed to thinking about, this is my territory and this is your territory. And I think that's good for all of us to keep in mind.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Absolutely. Okay, let us jump in. As always, we start each episode with one of your questions. Last week we asked you to think about this question from Rebecca. As a reminder, it goes like this. I have a very close knit family who communicate daily via a family text thread that includes my elderly parents, myself, my husband, my son, my sister, and my brother. My sister lives near my elderly parents who are in poor health and helps them a great deal with daily living tasks. I live about four hours away and visit monthly to help out as much as I can. My brother lives farther away and visits annually. The problem is that my sister's frustration with her unequal caregiving responsibilities is manifesting itself in some very judgmental comments on the family texts. My husband, who also receives the texts, has commented that he often feels uncomfortable with the tone of the texts in the family chat. Recently, for instance, my sister texted to the entire family that she felt that she was leaving behind small children, meaning our parents, when she went out of town on a much needed vacation. When I have privately commented on her unkind words, she says that she's just being honest. How can I communicate to my sister that I appreciate all of her hard work for our parents while at the same time firmly telling her that her comments are hurtful? In other words, how can I establish better boundaries in the family chat? Okay, a lot going on there.

[Lori]

What really pops out to me here is this idea that when it comes to helping to care for your parents, so many sibling dynamics that had gone under the radar start to become apparent. Yeah, you're the sibling who's the responsible one, or you're the sibling who's the favorite. I'm the sibling who always has to take care of everything, whatever that is. And I wonder if some of those dynamics are manifesting right now.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Sometimes when people say they're just being honest, it's not so much the message of what they're saying, but the delivery. There's a way to communicate in a way that's less brutal Honesty, but caring honesty.

[Lori]

I think a lot of times when people say that they've gotten so frustrated that they're just saying, I'm just being honest. And then they say it in a way that doesn't land well on the other person. I think she's just frustrated, and I think she doesn't know how to be direct. And maybe it's because the other siblings don't really take what she's saying seriously about how much of a burden this is feeling to her, that it's feeling like it's all falling on her. And if she is the people pleaser in the family, oftentimes the people pleasers become resentful, but then they don't directly say that they're resentful because they're still trying to please people. So it comes out in this backward way.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, absolutely. To me, this is not a question of managing someone's communication on the text chain. To me, this is a cry for help from someone who's overburdened and deeply resentful.

[Lori]

And.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And instead of focusing on the text comments, I would say the sister and the brother might focus on her feelings of doing all this hard work. One sister is visiting monthly. A brother is visiting annually. The sister who's setting the text chains is helping daily. And so she's showing this, building resentment and growing anger. So it seems like this is a sign that it's time for a very serious conversation about duties, about the work being done. And if the listener and her brother, they can't be present, what else could they do to lift a burden? Could they pay for things? Could they take the burden of making arrangements like grocery deliveries? Could they research local senior services together? Could they arrange for the caretaking sister to take time off, which isn't, oh, you should make time for yourself. What are the arrangements that would make that possible?

[Lori]

Right, because often when people say you should take time for yourself, then you have another job, and now your job is to figure out, well, how do you do that? As opposed to let me help you create the situation and where you can take time for yourself. So what contributions can you make from afar that are meaningful contributions?

[Gretchen Rubin]

So what is our advice? First acknowledge how much work your sister is doing, give her credit and praise, and have a direct conversation about a fairer distribution of work and how other siblings might assume some of the burdens.

[Lori]

And part of that conversation is what can you yourself do that is tangible, that could take some of the burden off, even from afar?

[Gretchen Rubin]

And you might have a separate text chat for siblings and the care arrangements you keep the main chat with the extended family for the cheerful news, the pet photos, all those fun things. So if she needs to vent in the chat, it's just staying within that small group, not the larger group.

[Lori]

And I would also look at some of the comments in the chat, not as unkindness but as, like you said, Gretchen, a cry for help. I think that when the comments get like that, it's wait, I can't manage. And I really need us to work together as a team, as siblings to figure out how can we all manage our parents in a way where none of us feels one is singled out as shouldering too much of the burden. And I think too part of it is that we want to enjoy our time with our parents. Caretaking is really hard, but at the same time it's an opportunity to spend time with your parents. You're not gonna get forever with your parents. And so the more that it can be less burdensome, the more that you can also each enjoy this time of life with your parents.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So we wanna know what your experiences have been. Have you dealt with similar challenges with sibling issues with aging parents? If you wanna weigh in or submit your own questions, go to theseenseouspodcast.com.

[Lori]

And now it's time to hear from you. In this segment, which we call Wisdom of Crowds, we will highlight a question on our social media and share your responses.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Here we asked, if your friend's children are badly behaved, would you say something to your friend, yes or no and why?

[Lori]

Now this is a very fraught question. So I was very curious to hear what our since you askers were going to say to this yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And we had a clear winner. Yes was 29% and 71% said no. And and we got many responses explaining the reason for their answers.

[Lori]

So of the 29% who said yes, Diane said, I don't care how they behave anywhere else but at my house they will behave or I'll have a chat with them. I'll also tell the parents they can't do that here. My friends know what kids can and can't do in my house, so there are no surprises. I actually like this idea of setting expectations up front instead of after the child does something and then you have to tell them not to.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, it's always better for people to know in advance rather than getting reputation for something that maybe they didn't know they weren't supposed to do. Yeah, Stephanie said yes. I would want to know the same thing if it was my kiddo. But Be discerning and sensitive on how you approach it.

[Lori]

Right. And Lori said, I usually make a joke that my dogs are better behaved than their children. Sometimes they laugh, and sometimes they get really mad. I just want to say that you don't want to shame the kids.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Lori]

It's one thing to bring a little bit of levity into it, but there's a fine line between being insulting or disparaging the kids.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I do think that levity can help. If you can joke around and be lighthearted about it, it can take the sting out of it, but it has to be done very well. If this is. Sometimes they laugh and sometimes they get.

[Lori]

Really mad, that's a sign.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. It's not quite striking the right note. Kelly said, yes, if it affects me personally, and even then, I'll do it as a request to the child. For example, asking the child, please don't play with the door. It makes a scary noise when you slam it, and you could get hurt in front of that child's parent. I hope the parent will take the cue to discipline their child from there.

[Lori]

That's more respectful. And Tommy said, you bet I would. I tell them straight up, your kid just hit my dog with a stick. No sugarcoating, no beating around the bush. If they get mad, that tells me everything I need to know about our friendship. Kids need boundaries, and so do parents.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Mm.

[Lori]

I agree with the part about parents need boundaries, too, in the sense that parents need to understand that what's okay in their house might not be okay in other people's houses. Sometimes it's easy to forget that, and we really want to be respectful of what the rules are in other people's houses.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This is so true. Because there's so many things that you may just assume, well, everybody does it this way, or no one would do this. A big issue in our household is, do you wear shoes in the house? I wear shoes in the house, and I'm definitely an outlier there. But many children would take off their shoes thinking that that's the rule. That's a little thing, but it's a good example of how you can't make assumptions that someone's being badly behaved because maybe they don't know that it is a rule for you.

[Lori]

Right. Some houses, they have a couch that they all jump on because they think it's fun. Right. At your house, it might not be. We don't jump on the couch.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right.

[Lori]

Or we don't put our feet on the coffee table, but at another house, they do.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Or eating out of the kitchen. There's so many things like this, so.

[Lori]

I think we just have to be mindful of that.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And Michelle says yes because I love my friend and her children. If I notice patterns like lying or being mean to siblings, I'll bring it up gently. Real friends don't let each other's kids grow up to be jerks. When a conversation could help.

[Lori]

I think we should make that a slogan. Real friends don't let each other's kids grow up to be jerks. That is true.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That's a good mug.

[Lori]

Okay, so let's look at the no's. So 71% said no. And Jennifer said absolutely not. I remember how sensitive I was about my own kids when they were little. And even well meaning comments feel like attacks on my parenting. I'd rather preserve the friendship and model good behavior for all the kids instead of creating drama.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Kristin says, nope. But I always tell my friends when their kids are well behaved, I do this often. I will send an email to say, what beautiful manners. What good company. They handled themselves so well. Because it's nice to hear. And then of course you think that they probably tell the children yes, and.

[Lori]

Then the children repeat the good behavior.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Lori]

It's true that when you hear something that you've done well, you're apt to repeat it. And when you hear something that you haven't done well, then you might rebel against that or you might just feel shamed. So I love the idea of giving positive feedback when the kids are well behaved. And Joanne said in general, no, unless they were about to cause damage to someone or something. But if they were visiting my home, I'd feel freer to invoke the house rules. And I think that's what we were talking about earlier is setting expectations before anything happens in our house, we just want you guys to know that when we're gonna eat, we wanna put it on plates or whatever the rule is, Right?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. David says never. Every parent thinks they know better than everyone else. And commenting on general behavior just creates resentment. Kids go through phases and most grow out of bad habits naturally, unless someone's in physical danger. I mind my own business and trust that parents know their own children best. Well, I think that's good to say. Maybe this kid is being obnoxious, but it's a phase. Or they're being badly behaved. But I mind my own business.

[Lori]

And I always think with all of us, a moment in time is just a snapshot. It's not the entirety of the child.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Lori]

Have you ever come home from work you had a bad day and you're not your best self. Sometimes a kid will come over and they're just not having a good day. So I think we have to keep that in mind too.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. And here's a few additional thoughts. Amanda noted, if it's my closest friend who I'm raising my kids with. Absolutely. My friend who I see four times a year, no. So that goes to the intimacy that you feel with a friend. How close are you to the child and to the parent?

[Lori]

And Natalie said, behavior is in the eye of the beholder. What is acceptable in my house might not be acceptable in their house. If the child is going to physically hurt themselves or others, then yes. If the child is an ill mannered bore, unlikely.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well again, behavior is in the eye of the beholder. That sums it up.

[Lori]

Yes, absolutely.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, we love hearing your thoughts and we'll be sharing more questions like this one. Check out our socials and we will be highlighting your responses on upcoming episodes. Coming up, we'll answer a question about how to deal with a flaky friend and whether flakiness means the end of a friendship. But first, this break. Lori what I like about JLab is that no matter what your mood, there's a JLab headphone for everyone.

[Lori]

Exactly. Whether I'm working out to music, listening to podcasts, or just trying to unwind, there's a JLab that fits and they deliver superior sound, smart design and real value.

[Gretchen Rubin]

The JBuds pods are a great example. Sleek stem design, 56 hours of playtime and powerful noise canceling. What I appreciate is not having to think about charging them all the time. They just keep going.

[Lori]

The JBuds Lux are another favorite. They've got 70 hours of playtime, hybrid active noise canceling and cloud foam cushions. I love how lightweight and comfortable they are, especially if you're listening all day.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And if you want to go beyond headphones, JLab even has the JBuds party speaker with up to 12 hours of playtime in and customizable LED lights to set the mood anywhere.

[Lori]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Lori]

Order today, this show is sponsored by Fearless Finance. Gretchen we get so many letters about people who don't know how to talk about finances and planning with their family members and friends and partners.

[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Lori]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Lori]

So visit fearlessfinance.com today. You can chat with a planner for free to make sure it's a good fit. And you'll get $50 off your first financial planning meeting when you use the code. Since you asked. And we're back with a question from Nick about a flaky friend.

[Nick]

My name is Nick from Los Angeles, California. So my question is regarding a friendship. I have a friend I've known for probably about eight years or so, and we hang off sort of semi regularly, maybe once a month, once every two months or so. Every time that we're together, he seems to be enjoying himself. It seems like we get along really well, but for some reason I've noticed that I'm always the one who has to make the plans and I find that he'll often cancel or reschedule right at the last minute. So I'm wondering if I should take this as a hint that he doesn't want to continue the friendship. And if so, would it be best to just confront him directly and ask him about this, or should I just simply stop trying to make plans? Thanks so much.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Interesting. I think this comes up quite a bit in friendship.

[Lori]

It does. This question of who's initiating and do I matter and are we both as invested in this friendship as the other person is? I think here Nick said they've been friends for eight years and it sounds like the friend puts in the effort to get together about once a month. Which, by the way, for eight years. I don't think that's insignificant.

[Gretchen Rubin]

No, that's a lot, right?

[Lori]

I don't think that's a question of whether the friend enjoys hanging out with him because the friend would not get together that much over this long period of time if he didn't enjoy hanging out with him.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, it's just some friendships are like this where there's an imbalance of who initiates and who is the glue that brings people together. It doesn't Necessarily mean that the friend is not interested in the friendship because, as you say, he's showing up regularly. And that shows that he values the friendship and enjoys spending time together.

[Lori]

And so it's tricky because it is frustrating when you have to initiate every time. And when someone cancels and then you feel like you're not a priority. And maybe you have tickets to a concert and they cancel at the last minute or reservations at a restaurant. But I think that what Nick needs to think about is that we have different kinds of dynamics with different friends. And people have different personalities. And I think Nick has to really decide if his enjoyment and connection with this person is worth the inconvenience. Because this person comes with this quality. I always say, you can't order people up a la carte. There are no substitutions. You take them as they are and you enjoy the meal or you just don't order the meal. And I think he has to decide, do I wanna keep ordering this meal? Is that worth it to me?

[Gretchen Rubin]

So I have this personality framework that I created. The four tendencies that divides people into four tendencies, and one is the rebel. And something that is very typical of rebels, other people sometimes as well. But very typical of rebels is that they really dislike having things on their calendar and they will often cancel even if they want to do something. They want to see you, they enjoy hanging out with you, they do want to go to that concert, but they just really dislike the feeling of being expected to go someplace and having it on their calendar. And this is helpful to Nick because if that's true, don't take it personally. As you say, this is just something that is on the menu. It doesn't reflect on their friendship. And so it's just something to take into account as Nick makes plans. Sometimes with a rebel or people like this, it's easier to keep things open and more free flowing so the person has a greater sense of freedom and choice. So you would say something like, oh, I'm thinking of going on a hike Saturday morning. Let me know if you want to join. Or it could be fun to get drinks at the new bar. I'm getting a group together. You can come if you want. And keeping it open like that, that tends to work better for people who are rebels.

[Lori]

And so I think what we're saying is the friend is who he is, and sometimes we want to change the friend, but maybe we need to think about how we're going to deal with it on our side. So what is our advice? Our advice is don't take it Personally, it doesn't sound like he doesn't like you and at the same time manage your expectations. Don't count on this person not canceling and maybe even have a backup plan. Don't buy non refundable tickets unless you want to go by yourself or maybe you have another friend who wants to sub in at the last minute.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right, right. And remember what you value about the person. And also keep in mind, this is the friend I have. We have many different kinds of friends. With my marriage, I often say to myself when I'm thinking about something that I don't particularly appreciate about my husband, Jamie is, that's not the guy I married. We get different things from different relationships. And so again, it's as you were saying, you have to think about, well, is this trade off worth it to me?

[Lori]

Right. And I like, that's not the guy I married. That's not the friend I have. Yeah. So it doesn't mean that the friend isn't a good friend, just like you love your husband. But there are certain things that that's just not the guy you married. That's just not the friend you have. And so part of that is accepting that in this friendship you are going to have to be doing the work. And if the friendship isn't worth, you're doing the heavy lifting. That's something that you need to evaluate. But again, it sounds like you value this person and if you can accept that this is who he is. Some people are just really messy.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Lori]

I see this in couples all the time where somebody's like, but this person leaves the bedroom really messy. And that means they don't respect me and they don't care about what's important to me. They really have trouble not being messy. And it sounds like this friend really has trouble not canceling plans. So this is again, no substitutions. This is the friend that he is. And that's where you have to evaluate whether that is enough for you.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So Nick asked, should he talk to his friend about it? What do you think?

[Lori]

I think that he can talk to his friend once and say, when do you cancel? It makes me feel however it makes him feel. But I would not expect any change. So I think it's worth mentioning because it's important in friendships to be open and honest. But the friend might say something like, oh, I'm really sorry, I'll try not to do that anymore. But. But don't expect that to happen. It sounds like this is just something about the friend and that's how he is. And it's worth mentioning just so he knows and maybe he can make an effort, but I think it's gonna be really hard for him to make a substantial change.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. On a slightly different note, I would say, Nick, give credit to yourself and recognize the value to yourself and to others that you're doing by making the effort to strengthen bonds. That takes time and energy and effort, and it's really, really valuable. The people who do the work of friendship are really important. And it reminds me of this beautiful passage from Gertrude Stein's Brilliant the Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas. And she's talking about Guillaume Apollinaire. And she wrote, the death of Guillaume Apollinaire at this time made a very serious difference to all his friends, apart from their sorrow at his death. It was the moment just after the war when many things had changed and people naturally fell apart. Guillaume would have been a bond of union. He always had a quality of keeping people together. And now that he was gone, everybody ceased to be friends. Having that quality of keeping people together is really, really important. Yeah.

[Lori]

And I think especially when so many people are saying, I want more connection, sometimes part of getting that connection isn't about keeping score, about who's doing more. It's about if you want that connection, be the glue. It's not a contest.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Coming up, what to do when your partner is less excited about a major life change than you are. But first, this break.

[Lori]

And now we're back to answer a question about a relationship and a big life change. Since you asked, here's the letter and this person asked to be anonymous. It goes like this. My husband and I have a 10 month old son. My husband was a very nervous and somewhat reluctant new father mourning the loss of our lives as a twosome. We had been married for 12 years before we had our son, so it's definitely been an adjustment. Our home situation is also a bit different than most. I work two full time jobs by choice and my husband is a craftsman who only occasionally does projects for paying. Usually he works on home improvement tasks and he manages all the household tasks. He is slowly warming to the baby, but he still does not engage much with him. He'll offer to take the baby for an afternoon on weekends, but he'll usually play a video game while the baby plays on the floor quite happily. Thankfully, he will give bottles and change diapers, but he doesn't hold the baby, read to the baby, talk to the baby, et cetera. I see my friends husbands engaging with their kids and I get both jealous and afraid that my husband will never be that way with our son. I don't know whether to be concerned or just let him develop his relationship in his own way.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Wow. Well, the obvious thing to note here is they are going through a huge change as a family. They had been married for 12 years as a twosome. Now there's a baby. She describes her husband as nervous and reluctant. Now it's happening. He works from home, and now there's a baby at home. And that is just a lot of change. And it doesn't sound, from her question that this is an issue of domestic labor. It's really about his response to this very significant change in the family.

[Lori]

Exactly. It sounds like he's managing all the household tasks. That's not the issue that we hear so much about in this case. It's more about he's having trouble adjusting to this. And it's interesting because I think with mothers, sometimes we feel a lot of shame around talking about postpartum adjustment or if we don't bond right away with the baby. But there is some room. There are support groups for that. But for men who in general often feel, I have to be strong or I can't admit that I'm struggling with something. Sounds like he's not able to say that. Or there isn't space for the two of them yet. They haven't created it to really talk about. What is this like for you? What is it like being a new parent for each of us, and what are we struggling with as we adjust to this new situation?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, especially if you weren't particularly ready to let go of the previous life, you want to make room for his feelings to allow him to grieve the real loss of the freedom, the different kind of adult life that you could have. Also, some people just really aren't baby people.

[Lori]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And they get much more engaged with an older child. So that's just one thing, that this may also change. As your child is growing, there's so much pressure on parents to immediately bond. Not everybody immediately bonds, but bonding can happen along the way in many different ways.

[Lori]

And she said, he's slowly warming to the baby. So sometimes it just takes time. And there's this magical version of, you're gonna see your baby and you're gonna immediately bond, and it's all gonna be great. But we forget there's so much more work. You're not sleeping. You've lost your freedom. Your marital relationship has changed. This is huge. And so you're gonna be dealing with a lot of things at Once, it might take several months for you to really start to get to know the baby, get to know yourself as a parent. And it sounds like he's needing that space, but he is moving in that direction.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, he's engaging. He's feeding the baby, he's changing diapers, he takes care of the baby. So he is engaging, but as she says, he's slowly warming.

[Lori]

So what is our advice? I think the first thing is open up a compassionate dialogue. She can say something to him like, hey, I know this is a big adjustment. How is it going for you? And to even say something to make it okay for him to be struggling. It's okay if you're struggling. We're all struggling. This is really hard. Can we talk about it so that he knows that she wants him to share what's going on for him, and she might even say, I want you to share what's going on so we can stay connected as a couple. Because he's probably missing the couple element of the two of them. They had 12 years together, and now there's a big change with that.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, speaking of the couple element, another thing to do is really try to carve out time for adult pleasures. Can you preserve part of what your life was like before the baby came? So you still do feel you're having the kinds of fun sometimes that you were having before? It's not all been swept away.

[Lori]

And I think the more anxiety that she feels around his not bonding, the more pressure he's gonna feel to bond. And sometimes you just need to say, you know what, we're going to go out for two hours and we're going to go take a walk or we're going to go have dinner. You have a change of identity as parents. And so can you remember who you were together before you had the baby? And I think when she starts to futurize or catastrophize around, I'm worried he's never going to bond with the baby. When you allow more space for the two of you to be a little bit who you were before you had the baby, I think that you're gonna see more movement without all of the pressure.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. Well, and another thing to keep in mind is try not to criticize him for the way that he's doing things. He's playing video games while the baby's right next to him, also playing happily. But the more that he can cope with it in his own way, of course, as long as it's not something that's actually dangerous, let him do it. In his own way. Sometimes we want to give a lot of direction for the sidelines, but then that often makes people just want to give up or say, well, I'm not doing it the right way. I'm not doing it your way, so I don't want to do it at all.

[Lori]

And.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And so let him do it his own way so that he has a feeling that he's being the kind of parent he chooses to be. You don't want him to feel judged for the way that he's behaving. Or as you say, as he's feeling.

[Lori]

Right. They'll each have their own parenting style. I think sometimes parents feel. Well, I read in a parenting book this. So we both have to do this.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. Yes.

[Lori]

Be the parent that you want to be with your kid. What is your organic, natural way of engaging with your child? That's going to be much more important. That ties into this idea. We talked about levity earlier with a different letter. I think levity goes a long way. So sometimes everything feels so stressful and serious when you're new parents and you're scared and what does this noise mean? What does this cry mean? You don't know. And you've never done this before. So sometimes you can joke around about how tired you are. See the humor in these kind of ridiculous moments that you find yourself in.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. Yeah. I always remind myself that mishaps often make the best memories. And something like the diaper explosion might seem like very bad right now, but it will be something that you laugh about later. Yeah. And if you can, try to laugh about it now. But we want to hear from you. What other insights did we miss? Have you dealt with a situation like this? This comes up in a lot of different forms. Maybe it's a new parent or it's a similar situation. You both have moved to a house with a lot of new responsibilities, or you're slowing down at work and your partner isn't yet, or you're leaving a city that you love to move to a new city with your partner and you don't feel the same way about.

[Lori]

That or even like getting a dog? One partner really wanted the dog and the other person really wasn't so sure. And what do you do when one person is more eager for a big change and the other one is more reluctant or less ready? We want to hear what your experiences have been with that situation. So tell us at the since you asked podcast. Com.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And then before we go, are you ready to give some advice? Here is a question. Question to Ponder. We will discuss it in the next episode and we would love to hear your thoughts. It's from Raya and it goes like this.

[Raya]

I've been having more of a moral dilemma recently in my relationship and I would love for your advice on the situation. So for context, I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over four months now. In the very early stages of him and I, his roommate and best friend, let's call him Jack, was seeing my roommate. About one week into my boyfriend and I officially dating, Jack cheated on my roommate. It was a very messy breakup, as most cheating related breakups are because my roommate found texts between Jack and the girl, let's call her Carly, in which it was very clear that Carly knew my roommate was in the picture yet proceeded anyway. Aside from being absolutely devastating to my friend and roommate, the impact of Jack and Carly's actions completely changed the dynamic of our friendships, made my living situation uncomfortable, and to this day has been a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend. After things happened, Jack and Carly kept seeing each other in secret, but recently they've become more serious and have started to hang out with our friends and are always at the house whenever I go to see my boyfriend. Jack has yet to own up to his actions or apologize for the impact it had on me, but Carly recently reached out trying to make amends. She has expressed interest in taking responsibility for her actions, but also said that she would like to get to know me when I am ready to. I have no interest whatsoever in making amends or getting to know her, but my boyfriend has been pushing me to forgive and forget. My question is, how do I reduce the strain that this has on my relationship without feeling like I am compromising on my moral values?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Oof.

[Lori]

That is a messy situation. That's a tough one.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, it's confusing. Everybody's so connected to everybody else. There's a lot to think about and a lot going on.

[Lori]

So we want to hear what you all think about this question because we're going to tackle it next time. Think about what your advice might be and we will discuss it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That is it for today. Since you askers, we really want you to weigh in. You are a big part of this show. To get in touch, go to thesense you askpodcast.com, follow us on each of our social media accounts or check the show notes.

[Lori]

And if any of our discussions today have struck a chord with you, we'd love to hear how it was helpful for you or for someone in your life.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And remember whether this podcast changes your life or just makes you laugh. We're glad you're here. If you enjoyed today's show, please tell your friends Word of mouth really does help people discover a new show. And if you're so inclined, please take a moment to rate or review the show. It really does make a huge difference.

[Nick]

Since you asked is for entertainment purposes only and isn't a substitute for professional advice, by sending us your question, you're agreeing we may use it on the show and edit it for length or clarity.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Are you looking for ways to make your everyday life happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative? I'm Gretchen Rubin, the number one bestselling author of the Happiness Project, bringing you fresh insights and practical solutions in the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast. My co host and happiness guinea pig is my sister, Elizabeth Craft. That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer in Hollywood. Join us as we explore ideas and hacks about cultivating happiness and good habits. Check out Happier with Gretchen Rubin from Lemonada Media.