Is It Always Wrong to Give In to Teen Peer Pressure? Plus: The Best Gift You Ever Gave

Summary

Podcast Summary: Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin
Episode: Is It Always Wrong to Give In to Teen Peer Pressure? Plus: The Best Gift You Ever Gave
Date: March 3, 2026
Host: Lemonada Media

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Overview of the Episode

This episode centers on two main themes:

1. Navigating modern teen peer pressure, specifically around technology-driven exclusion (the “green dot”/iPhone vs. Android issue among teenagers)
2. The art and impact of gift-giving—listeners share stories of meaningful gifts, and the hosts discuss practical vs. enjoyable gifts

Throughout, Lori Gottlieb, a psychotherapist and author, and Gretchen Rubin, a happiness researcher and writer, blend personal insight, professional perspective, and crowd-sourced wisdom from their audience.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Listener Updates: Maintaining Difficult Family Relationships

(04:45–11:04)

• Boundaries in Family Dynamics: Multiple listeners shared their experiences with setting boundaries with difficult parents or siblings. Themes of duty, empathy, and finding non-binary solutions were explored.
• Memorable Quotes:
  • “Boundaries are bridges.” – Laurie Gottlieb (08:19)
  • “You can only manage yourself, not her.” – Listener Beverly (05:15)
• Empathy for Parental Flaws: Listeners discussed understanding their parents’ limitations and making peace with the past.

Timestamps

• [04:45] Listener updates on boundaries with difficult family members.
• [05:15] Beverly's nuanced perspective on "duty" and boundaries.
• [09:28] Kendall's empathetic reframing of a strained parent relationship.

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2. Main Dilemma: Blue Dot Bullying and Teen Tech Exclusion

(11:04–20:21)

The Question

A mother from Silicon Valley asks for advice: Her teenage son is socially excluded from group texts and activities because he uses an Android phone, not an iPhone (exclusion based on the “green dot”/bubble in group texts).

The Hosts' Perspectives

• Modern Problem, Age-Old Feeling:
  • Though it’s wrapped in contemporary tech (Android vs. iPhone), Gretchen and Lori frame this as a classic case of social exclusion—something endemic to adolescence.
  • “It’s an age old problem of exclusion.” – Lori Gottlieb (14:06)
• Acknowledge the Pain:
  • Parents should validate their child’s distress without minimizing. The pain of exclusion is real and not just about materialism.
  • “Your pain is real. We hear you loud and clear.” – Gretchen Rubin (15:15)
• Practical vs. Principle—Should You 'Cave'?
  • The hosts differentiate between “caving” to peer pressure and proactively adapting to a real social need (staying connected).
  • It’s different from giving in to fads or risky behaviors—the son wants to be included, not to be “cool.”
  • “Frame it as a pragmatic decision and not a capitulation.” – Laurie Gottlieb (16:34)
• Exploring Compromises:
  • Allowing the son to spend his own money on an iPhone might give him a sense of agency.
  • Consider whether parental controls and family tech logistics truly outweigh the social toll.
  • “He wants to spend his own money...maybe they should allow him to.” – Gretchen Rubin (17:09)
• Reflection and Empathy Going Forward:
  • Both hosts highlight potential growth: The experience of exclusion could foster empathy and make the listener’s son more inclusive in the future.
  • “Sometimes a little thing like a green dot ends up being a really big deal. And I want to be the upstander.” – Gretchen Rubin (18:36)
  • “It’s not enough not to be mean. Sometimes you have to go out of your way to be kind in order not to exclude people.” – Gretchen Rubin (19:41)

Timestamps

• [11:20] Listener question: Android exclusion explained.
• [14:06] “It’s an age old problem of exclusion.” (Lori)
• [15:36] Don’t minimize—how exclusion really impacts teens.
• [16:34] Cross-platform parental controls and reframing “caving.”
• [17:09] Agency in letting the teen buy his own phone.
• [18:36] Reflection on how exclusion can foster future empathy.
• [19:41] The subtlety of social exclusion—not just overt, but often accidental.

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3. Wisdom of Crowds: The Best Gift You Ever Gave

(24:51–32:32)

Poll Results & Discussion

• Listeners were polled on whether they prefer giving practical gifts or enjoyable (not strictly necessary) gifts:
  • Practical: 43%
  • Enjoyable: 57%
• “There’s an idea with a gift that this is something that is luxurious or something you don’t really need but that’s fun to have.” – Gretchen Rubin (25:41)
• Research suggests that people also enjoy “practical” gifts—especially flexible gift cards.

Listener Highlights (by Category)

• Practical Gifts:
  • Groceries, rent, heating pads, cash, and generic gift cards.
  • “People really love cash or gift cards.” – Gretchen Rubin (26:14)
• Gifts that Say ‘I Know You’:
  • Special edition books, symbolic gifts to therapists.
  • “I had a custom 50-minute hourglass made for [my therapist]...to honor the time.” – Listener Lee (27:37)
• Gifts that Preserve Memories:
  • Personalized calendars, paintings of family homes, inherited or replicated cookbooks.
  • “She cried, I cried. It was perfect.” – Listener Emma (29:38)
• Gifts of Shared Experience:
  • Activity gifts: paragliding, karaoke, adventure.
  • “We’ll never forget the day I invited them to jump off a cliff and soar over a rainforest together.” – Listener Elynn (30:07)
• Personal Favorite Gift (Gretchen):
  • Giving her sister a treadmill desk for health reasons.
  • “She always says to me, this is the best gift that you have ever given because it’s just so good for you.” – Gretchen Rubin (31:38)
• Insight: The impact and meaning of a gift is context-specific; practical gifts can also be deeply thoughtful and loving.

Timestamps

• [24:51] Poll: Practical vs. enjoyable gifts.
• [26:42] Listener stories: practical gifts.
• [27:14] “I know you” gifts and meaningful gestures.
• [28:57] “Preserving memories” gifts.
• [30:07] Shared experiences as memorable gifts.
• [30:57] Gretchen’s favorite gift: The treadmill desk.

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote/Moment | |-----------|---------|--------------| | 08:19 | Laurie Gottlieb | “Boundaries are bridges and this is an example of that.” | | 14:06 | Laurie Gottlieb | “Even though it’s a modern technology problem, it’s an age-old problem of exclusion.” | | 15:15 | Gretchen Rubin | “Your pain is real. We hear you loud and clear.” | | 16:34 | Laurie Gottlieb | “Frame it as a pragmatic decision and not a capitulation.” | | 17:09 | Gretchen Rubin | “He wants to spend his own money. That shows you how earnest he is...” | | 18:36 | Gretchen Rubin | “Sometimes a little thing like a green dot ends up being a really big deal. And I want to be the upstander.” | | 19:41 | Gretchen Rubin | “Sometimes you have to go out of your way to be kind in order not to exclude people.” | | 25:41 | Gretchen Rubin | “There’s an idea with a gift that this is something that is luxurious or something you don’t really need but that’s fun to have.” | | 27:37 | Laurie Gottlieb | “I had a custom 50-minute hourglass made for [my therapist]...to honor the time.” (Listener Lee) | | 30:07 | Laurie Gottlieb (quoting listener) | “We’ll never forget the day I invited them to jump off a cliff and soar over a rainforest together.” | | 31:38 | Gretchen Rubin | “She always says to me, this is the best gift that you have ever given because it’s just so good for you.” |

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• Listener boundary updates: 04:45–11:04
• Tech-peer pressure/main dilemma: 11:04–20:21
• Gift-giving & listener stories: 24:51–32:32

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Next Episode Teaser

Before closing, the hosts preview a listener question about “work spouse” relationships and setting boundaries when a workplace friendship feels threatening (37:16–39:07).

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Summary & Takeaways

• Today’s modern problems (like phone-based exclusion) are often new twists on age-old human social dynamics.
• Parental decisions around peer pressure should distinguish between simply “giving in” and responding constructively to meet genuine social needs.
• Gifts—whether practical or purely enjoyable—hold meaning through context, empathy, and connection.
• Community wisdom adds richness and nuance to the advice; stories of boundaries and gifts reveal how personal touches shape relationships.

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Transcript

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[Lori]

Lemonade

[Listener Caller]

hi Gretchen and Laurie, we have a dilemma and would love your insight. Our teenage son has an Android phone. Lately he's being completely left off of text threads by his friends solely because of the green dot. Please help us navigate this tricky situation.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, this is a real thing. This anonymous mother called it blue dot bullying and it's also called green dot shaming.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

I think that even though it's a modern technology problem, it's an age old problem of exclusion.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, foreign.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Hey Lori hi Gretchen.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Hi Cynthia's listeners. Welcome to the podcast where Lori and I give our best advice to listeners who are struggling with a dilemma, whether big or small. We give you our perspectives and we also include responses from you. I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, good habits and human nature. I love taking a great self knowledge quiz and I've created several myself. And if you love to take a quiz to get insight into yourself, go to GretchenRubin.com quiz and I'm Laurie Gottlieb.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

I'm a psychotherapist and the author of the book maybe youe Should Talk to Someone. I also write the Ask the Therapist column for the New York Times.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Lori, let's get into it. Today we will be giving advice on how to handle a tricky middle school friendship issue that's become a family issue. We'll also be talking about whether to give proper, practical or a purely enjoyable gift. Plus, we have updates from you, our listeners on issues we've discussed on recent episodes. As always, if you have a question for us, go to thesenseyouasspodcast.com and we may feature it on an upcoming episode.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

First, we have some updates. In episode 13, which was our January 27 episode, we discussed a question from a listener who is divorced and whose son is struggling with his relationship with his father, which is her ex husband. He seems to be a difficult person who is hard to be around and her son is asking her why he should continue the relationship. Her Question was how do I give him good counsel? We got several very thoughtful answers.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Beverly wrote, instead of thinking how can I enjoy my time with my father or how can I improve my relationship with my father? The son can ask how can I discharge my duty toward my father in a way that is most helpful and and least harmful to us? Both relationships don't have to be comfortable to be worth preserving. My sister caused immense difficulty in our family. Stealing, lying, manipulating. My mother spent her entire adulthood trying to make things right. After my mother died, I decided I wanted to maintain a relationship with my sister in a non harmful way. My sister was funny and warm and caring, but also demanding and untrustworthy. I knew I could only manage myself, not her. So I set boundaries for myself. I limited topics of conversation by diverting her from problematic issues when she asked for money if I could help, I would bypass my sister and send money directly. For instance to an attorney when she was trying to get grandparents rights and to the auto dealer when my nephew wanted to buy a car but couldn't afford one. I simply said no to unreasonable requests such as spending too much money to get the latest trendy toy for one of her grandchildren. I think there is a tendency for an all or none reaction to family members. Either we're close or distant, spend a lot of time together or none. Doing one's duty toward a parent, child or sibling can mean very limited interactions, checking in on their health and safety once a week, having five minute instead of hour long conversation, saying I can't do that but I will do this. I can't do that but I will do this as many times as needed. Well this is such a great perspective

[Laurie Gottlieb]

and it really mirrors what we were trying to say, which is sometimes you can't have a relationship with someone but you want to see what kind of relationship you can have first. And she says my sister was funny and warm and caring. So can you find the good qualities and set boundaries to make sure that you can be around that person with their less desirable qualities?

[Lori]

And also about boundaries, like we've talked about this before, that sometimes people think boundaries are what they tell other people, but boundaries are the boundaries we set for ourselves because as she said, the only people we can control is ourselves. So lot of good ideas in that comment.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Kathy wrote, my own father indulges in some of the same behaviors described. I decided to maintain a relationship since he and my mother are still together and I value my relationship with her. What changed things for my relationship with my dad was, was laying out my boundaries and sticking with them. So again, boundaries. I set boundaries with my dad that I would not stick around to listen to him be mean or angry or teasing. After the first few times that I walked out of gatherings and went home, he did start reining it in. We're closer than we've ever been, though not close compared to other family members. And we even ran an errand together recently, which would have been unthinkable even a few years ago.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, this is so encouraging that by drawing those boundaries, she's not actually making them farther apart, she's helping them find a way to be closer.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah, we always say boundaries are bridges and this is an example of that.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Someone who wanted to be Anonymous wrote After listening to the update on this son with a difficult father, it was

[Lori]

difficult not to compare it to my own recently estranged relationship with my father. I felt a bit unseen for the majority of the segment until Gretchen mentioned emotional abuse. I have been trying to maintain a relationship with my father after a decade plus of emotional abuse and after my wedding last fall, finally had to cut ties.

[Gretchen Rubin]

He was a black cloud over my

[Lori]

special day and although I let him have that power over me on that day, I decided I have the choice to make sure that doesn't happen in the future. I have spoken to therapists about this emotional abuse, so I do not use that term lightly. I'm sad that I do not have a relationship with a father, but not my father. I have chosen to protect my peace and though it's only been a handful of months, I already feel lighter. Though I do dread the day I'm assuming will eventually come at a family event if he sends me a nasty message out of the blue, et cetera, where I have to face him again. But for now that is a problem for another day. So she thought about this very carefully and she decided how to move forward.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Sounds like she really reflected on that and that's where she ended up. And Kendall said it has helped me to choose to believe that they did the best they could with what they knew at the time. It's also been helpful to learn that both of my parents are like me, obligers that were more focused on what others told them to do than what they hopefully truly cared more about. Me as a child I was hurt and only saw how it affected me. As an adult, I see their hurt and choose to look back with empathy. I hope this helps.

[Lori]

Well that's so interesting. And if you don't know what an obliger is, speaking of self knowledge quizzes, you can Take my quiz about the four tendencies. There's a upholders, rebels, questioners, and obligers. And Obliger is the biggest group. It's people who readily meet outer expectations, but they struggle to meet their own expectations. It sounds like here Kendall feels like that describes his parents.

[Gretchen Rubin]

They were responding to the outer world

[Lori]

instead of him, but now he has empathy for that, so that's giving him more grace to understand them.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And this goes to what we talk about, which is that there's no one right answer. I like how our listeners found different solutions that worked for each of them. Right.

[Lori]

And also this idea that it isn't binary. It's not. Well, we continue exactly the way things are or we cut off all ties. People are finding different solutions to that tension.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And also this idea that two things can be true, that somebody can be very problematic and also maybe have some good qualities. It's interesting to see the different ways that people handled it and we really appreciate all of these helpful responses. I hope that everyone listening can find something in there that might be helpful for them if they have a similar situation.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Now let's get in today's advice. This is the carryover last week we gave you this question to think about. It comes from a parent whose child has a very modern problem. It's a tech related friendship problem. Since you asked, let's jump in.

[Listener Caller]

Hi Gretchen and Laurie, we have a dilemma and would love your insight. Our teenage son has an Android phone and he has for about a year and a half and that's been going fine. Unfortunately here in Silicon Valley he's one of few teens to have an Android in the world of iPhones. As a result, he's been made fun of. But the worst part is lately he's being completely left off of text threads by his friends solely because of the green dot. They refuse to include him in a text thread because the green dot is, quote annoying. They will make plans to go biking after school or on the weekends and only use the iPhone only thread, thus leaving him out. We've tried to have his close friends be upstanders and start a new thread with him in it, but they keep going back to the iPhone only thread. We have tried to have him reach out to certain friends, but if they aren't biking that day, he's completely left out of the plans. He's included in the plans that they're talking about in person at school, but when it comes to communication via text, they just won't use the thread with the green dot. My son comes home every other day begging for an iPhone. We've had many nights of tears over this and now he wants to buy a $300 refurbished phone with his own money. This seems so silly to spend so much money on a new phone when he already has one, but it breaks my heart that he's not being included. We aren't anti Apple, but our entire house runs on Android products. Besides the cost and the learning curve of adding an Apple device, it feels like he and we would be caving to their blue dot bullying as I've coined it. We'd be giving up a lot of our parental controls seeing as we don't have an iPad or a MacBook to control a new iPhone. Please help us navigate this tricky situation and bring this issue to light as I don't think many Apple using families have any clue that this is an issue with their teams. Thank you so much.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Lori, did you know about this issue?

[Laurie Gottlieb]

I know the difference between the green and the blue dot, but I did not know the intricacies of how those text threads worked if you were on different devices. But you do, so why don't you explain it so people have more context?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, this is a real thing. This anonymous mother called it blue dot bullying and it's also called green dot shaming. She and her son are not being overly dramatic. This is a very well documented problem, especially in techie areas like she said Silicon Valley. It even came up recently in the Department of Justice's lawsuit against Apple as a kind of anti competitive behavior to have different colors so that someone with an Android phone engages with an Apple phone. The experience isn't as good as the services are more limited and you're called out by the different color. Now Apple has changed its policy and in iOS 18 it made changes so that the experience is more seamless, but there is still the green bubble. So this is a real thing in the world.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

I think that even though it's a modern technology problem, it's an age old problem of exclusion. Yes, at that age social exclusion is just awful. It's awful at any age. But when you are trying to fit in and you want to be in communication with your friends and it's not clear whether the friends are trying to exclude him. It sounds like they're not because they do invite him when they see him at school. They sort of don't want to be bothered with the technology and creating another text thread. Really? This is about how he's cut off in a really important way from his social circle.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, in 8th grade that is such a tough time that is when you most want to fit in, you most want to belong. Things kind of loosen up in high school, but that's the time where it is so important to you to be part of the group. Yeah. These friends just seem like they're not going the extra mile, but still the result for him is the same. They're making play ads that he's left out.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah. And I think there's a difference between, oh, I really need to have these very expensive sneakers to fit in versus I need to be in communication and in the loop with what people are doing to make social plans. Those are two very different kinds of things.

[Gretchen Rubin]

What is our advice? One of the first things you do is you acknowledge to your son, which sounds like they've done. This is really hard. Your pain is real. We hear you loud and clear. You're not brushing this off as though you're being overly sensitive. Or if your friends decided to jump off a cliff. You jump off a cliff. Do you have to do everything the way they do? You hear that this is an issue. You understand what he's dealing with.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Don't minimize. This is actually very serious. If you were in a work environment and you had a device that you never knew about when people were going to lunch or to drinks or where all the really important things happened, you would feel very left out. And it really has clear social consequences.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This reminds me of the Friends episode where Rachel starts smoking because she realizes that all of these sort of important decision at FaceTime with the boss is when people are smoking. And she's like, I have to be part of that. This is something that's presenting very tech, but it's actually tale as old as time. But I think that there's actually several things going on here. One is, do we cave or do we not cave? But it's actually, could the iPhone work for our family? We think that there are all these obstacles, but could it work for our family? Can we maintain the oversight that we want? And what message does this send to our son? Because she's clearly worried about not wanting to cave to the Blue Dot bullying. And so those are different questions.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And as we know now, there are cross platform parental controls. They might not be as seamless, but they do exist. So it doesn't mean the whole family has to switch. But if they do decide to get the iPhone for the son, but they should frame it as a pragmatic decision and not a capitulation. You can frame it as. Look, we looked into it and we think that it makes sense for your communication needs. And that's very different from saying, fine, we're just gonna give in to these kids. It's really about, we wanna make sure that you're not paying an emotional price for being left out, when this is the way that people in your group are communicating.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. And I think, Lori, just as you were pointing out, that it's different to want the fanciest sneakers because you really want a brand name and you want to fit in that way. This is different. I think it's also different from the peer pressure of somebody doing something harmful, like doing drugs or risky behavior, and the kind of peer pressure where you're like, I want to stay connected to my friends. It's about the connection. He wants to spend his own money. That shows you how earnest he is in his desire to address this problem. He's trying, and it's not working. And I wonder, maybe they should allow him to spend his own money. There is something satisfying, especially I think, when you're a child, when you're like, I wanted this thing and I found a way to make it happen. It might be a good way for him to feel like he's got agency over this because he's feeling so left on the outskirts.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

I think, too, once he gets the phone, it will give him a chance to really reflect on how this all went down. So part of it is thinking about friendship and what that means. Does he value the choices of the friends? If he were in that situation where somebody else had a different phone, would he also feel like, oh, it's too much trouble, it's too much of a hassle. I don't want to deal with, including this other person. Or would he be an upstander? Maybe he doesn't know, but it's just something to think about. There's something maybe not to be learned in this moment, but something that as he goes through the rest of high school, he will start to think about who are the people that. That I want to surround myself with,

[Gretchen Rubin]

even as an adult? I remember a time where I walked into this really big group of people. I didn't know almost anyone there. I felt very conspicuous. I didn't know what to do with myself. And a guy that I knew slightly scooted over on this sort of windowsill that he was sitting on, and he's like, oh, hey, come sit here. And now he's one of my closest friends. And I just think that first moment was him seeing me standing there uncertain in the middle of the room and thinking, she doesn't know anybody, but I know her, so let me give her a place to park herself. And it was so meaningful to me. I mean, I still remember it years later. Maybe as he moves through high school and even the rest of life, he might think sometimes a little thing like a green dot ends up being a really big deal. And I want to be the upstander.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And I think that maybe it will make him like what happened with you, having more empathy, that maybe he will be someone who really is aware of inclusion and exclusion. When he sees somebody who's being excluded, he'll remember this phone incident and think, I'm going to go the extra mile to make sure that that person is included.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Because it's interesting. I think when we think of exclusion, we think of a bunch of people

[Lori]

standing in a circle being like, ha

[Gretchen Rubin]

ha ha, you don't fit in and everything. But a lot of times it's casual, it's inconsiderate, it's incidental, and you don't realize it's not enough not to be mean. Sometimes you have to go out of your way to be kind in order not to exclude people. It's making the effort on behalf of other people. This is going to be so interesting to hear what people think we want

[Laurie Gottlieb]

to hear from you.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Send us your responses.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Anything that has to do with times you've been included or excluded or times when you might have thought after hearing this, I could have gone the extra mile and I didn't. Or I did go the extra mile. So we'd love to hear your experiences. Tell us at the since you askpodcast.com

[Gretchen Rubin]

coming up, it's time for our popular segment Wisdom of Crowds where we report on listeners responses to a thought provoking question. This time it is a question about gifts. But first, this break.

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[Gretchen Rubin]

Again.

[Elizabeth Kraft]

That's SimplePractice.com cozy really clicked for us because Cozy furniture is designed to make your home comfortable, modern and practical. It's furniture that actually fits real life, not just how a room looks in photos.

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What stands out about Cozy is that it's designed to fit your space and your style because it's customized by you. Cozy focuses on smart design, adaptable style and comfort that can change over time, which matters. When life doesn't stay the same, that flexibility is huge.

[Elizabeth Kraft]

Cozy believes that you should have your home your way. Their modular furniture lets you change layouts, update colors, and adjust how things work without starting over. Plus, Cozy makes furniture shopping easier with free design consultants who help you get the most out of your space.

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[Elizabeth Kraft]

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[Elizabeth Kraft]

I've really shifted how I think about getting dressed. I do not want more clothes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I want better clothes.

[Elizabeth Kraft]

Pieces that feel good, look polished and do not require overthinking. That's honestly why I keep coming back to Quint's the fabrics feel elevated, the cuts are thoughtful, and the pricing actually makes sense.

[Ad/Promo Voice]

Quince makes high quality wardrobe staples using premium fabrics like 100% European linen, 100% silk and organic cotton poplin. Their lightweight cotton cashmere sweaters are perfect for the changing season seasons and they have can't miss seasonal colors and prints for spring. These are versatile, well made pieces that make getting dressed simple and they're intentional

[Gretchen Rubin]

about how it's made.

[Elizabeth Kraft]

Quince works directly with safe, ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen. You're not paying for brand markup or fancy retail stores, just quality clothing. The linen holds up, the cotton poplin is crisp and keeps its shape. The gauze is soft without feeling flimsy. These are the pieces you reach for

[Ad/Promo Voice]

again and again that quince cotton cashmere sweater has become my go to. It's light enough for layering but still feels luxe and it didn't cost what I thought quality cashmere would. Their clothing is consistently rated 4.5 to 5 stars by thousands of customers, which makes sense when you actually wear it.

[Elizabeth Kraft]

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[Lori]

And we're back. We have a Wisdom of Crowds question that I love because it makes me so happy to hear about all these thoughtful gifts. Plus the answers give some ideas about gifts to give in the future. The question was would you rather give someone a practical gift that they need or a gift they'd enjoy but don't need? And for the practical gift it was 43% and for the enjoyable gift it was 57%. We followed that on with the question what's your favorite gift that you've ever given someone and why? And this was also very interesting. Lori I'm not surprised that it tips toward the enjoyable gift. There's an idea with a gift that this is something that is luxurious or something you don't really need but that's fun to have. I'm not surprised that enjoyable gift got the 57 and practical got 43. What about you?

[Laurie Gottlieb]

I just think it's so fun to think about what would bring the other person joy. So I tend to go toward the enjoyable gift. But then we wanted to know more and so we asked what's your favorite gift that you've given someone and why? And we broke your responses down into four categories, starting with gifts that are practical. Jennifer Ann said groceries or rent immediate needs are my favorite gifts.

[Lori]

Kendra said, an electric heating pad. Everyone I have given one to loves it. On the subject of practical gifts, here's what the research shows is that actually

[Gretchen Rubin]

people really love cash or gift cards

[Lori]

that are practically cash. I think somehow a gift card feels more gifty than just like money in an envelope. But people really do like just being able to spend the way they like. And with a gift card, sometimes people want to give it. Very specifically, it's a gift card to this movie theater. But actually what Studies show is that people like things that are not specific, where they can just use it however they like. So people like practical.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And this goes back to that question we had on the podcast in season one, where this woman was asking about gifts for her nieces and she wanted to know exactly what they wanted. And they were saying, just give a gift card. And she was so upset about that because she didn't want to give a gift card. But sometimes people really like gift cards because it gives them the freedom. It's one of these things that it seems practical, but it's actually enjoyable because they're going to find something that they enjoy. So it's a practical way to give an enjoyable gift.

[Lori]

Another category is gifts that say I know you. Peggy wrote, one of my besties had to get rid of her amazing books after the Eaton fire here in Altadena. One of her favorite books is the Little Prince. So I got her a special edition for her birthday. She squealed when she opened it and said it was her favorite gift. Well, that's doubly thoughtful because it's replacing something precious that was lost in the fire.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah. And as a therapist, I love this one from Lee. Lee said, when I ended 12 years of therapy with the woman who helped guide me through my recovery, I. I had a custom 50 minute hourglass made for her. It marked the length of each session. It was my way of honoring not just the hours, but the life those hours helped rebuild. Now, as therapists, we're not supposed to accept gifts, but we can accept small gifts like this. We can't accept anything extravagant. So when people are wondering, can you give your therapist a gift? In this case, and in this context,

[Ad/Promo Voice]

it was totally acceptable.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And it's so imaginative.

[Lori]

I love that idea.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It's like the physical symbol of the time they spent together. Beautiful. Carrie wrote, my grandma turned 90 during COVID Since we couldn't do in person, all her family had flower arrangements delivered on the same day. She had an explosion of flowers and everyone could participate at a price point that worked for them.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

That's a great idea.

[Gretchen Rubin]

What a lovely celebration.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And Sheri said, when our kids were young, I gave my husband a year of 60 Minutes. He really enjoyed the TV program. So I did the bath and bedtime routine so he could watch the show in peace for a whole year. So that's another kind of gift certificate that we can give people, like an individualized one where you say, this is what I'm going to do for you, and here's the certificate for it.

[Lori]

I love that I love an imaginative certificate.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

It's so fun.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Then there are the gifts that preserve memories. Genevieve wrote, my first son was my parents first grandchild. When he turned one, I made my father a calendar with a photo of my son taken each month through his first year. He cried when he opened it. Oh, that's so lovely.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And Kelly said, for my husband, a local artist, line drew and watercolored a painting of our first home together that he basically rebuilt. It will eventually be torn down, so it's a cool memory of his hard work to start our lives together. It's interesting because we were looking at the categories as practical versus enjoyable. But these kinds of gifts, the ones that preserve memories, don't really fall into one of those categories so neatly. These are really beautiful.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Emma wrote, I have a baking cookbook I was given when I got my first solo partner in 1994. I've used it all these years, and my daughter grew up using it. She asked me to give it to her, but I wouldn't give it up. She moved to her first solo apartment this past summer. I found a copy of that cookbook, same edition and everything, and gave it to her for Christmas. She cried, I cried. It was perfect. Oh, that's so lovely.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

That can get passed down through generations too.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And then we have our last category, which is gifts that create shared experiences. And we know that research shows that shared experiences tend to be bonding and improve relationships. So Elynn said, I give experience gifts to all my closest friends. Paragliding, paddleboarding, karaoke. Decades later, all the bath gift sets and bottles of wine have been forgotten. But we'll never forget the day I invited them to jump off a cliff and soar over a rainforest together.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Oh, so true.

[Lori]

What a great idea.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And Tony said, I gave my newlywed friends a backpack completely outfitted for picnics, with insulated pockets for bottles of wine, and a keepsake binder with pages designed to record your wine tasting adventure. They loved using it. Oh, that's so fun.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

So, Gretchen, what is the favorite gift that you've given given to someone else?

[Lori]

Oh, I know exactly what it is.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So, my sister Elizabeth is a type 1 diabetic, so controlling her blood sugar

[Lori]

is really important to her.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And years and years ago, I read this research talking about treadmill desks. This is when treadmill desks were sort of new on the scene. And it was talking about how this was a really good way to control

[Lori]

your blood sugar and you can't just give somebody a treadmill desk. So I called her and I was like, with your permission, I would like to give you a treadmill desk. And she said, well, I need to think about that. So she thought about it and then she called me back and she said, thank you. I would very much enjoy getting a treadmill desk. She has a writing partner because she's a TV writer. She told her TV writer, by the way, our office is going to have a treadmill desk. And a writing partner was like, well,

[Gretchen Rubin]

if you're going to have one, I'm

[Lori]

going to have one. So now they both have treadmill desks. And they've used them ever since, on and off and in different ways. She always says to me, this is the best gift that you have ever given because it's just so good for you. It's good for your creativity. Anyway, she loves it and she would never have gotten it for herself. So I feel very proud of that gift.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

That fits into the category of practical. That was very practical for her because that actually helps her health. So practical gifts can be great too. Despite the way people answered the survey, I think that it's context specific.

[Lori]

Yes, exactly. And something can be very thoughtful and practical because I think a lot of times the thoughtfulness goes to the sense of connection that the gift gives you.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Sometimes when people give practical gifts, they're actually trying to get you to do something like, I'm going to give you this gift so that you will look for a job. I'm going to give you this gift so that you will dress in this way. And that's not what we mean by practical. The treadmill desk is a great example of a very thoughtful, loving, practical gift.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So fun to read everybody's answers. It's so delightful to think about all these terrific gifts. Coming up, we have a question about a work wife and a work husband posed from a girlfriend who has some concerns about that relationship. But first, this break.

[Lori]

I think a lot of us grew

[Elizabeth Kraft]

up assuming banking just came with fees. Overdraft charges, monthly fees, waiting days for your own paycheck. It felt normal even when it was frustrating. Chime is changing the way people bank fee free and smarter banking built for you. Not like old school banks that charge overdraft and monthly fees built for you, not the 1%.

[Ad/Promo Voice]

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[Elizabeth Kraft]

It also shifts how everyday spending works. Chime turns everyday spending into real rewards and financial progress. You can bank fee free with overdraft coverage you can count on Build credit history stress free. Earn up to 3% APY on savings, which is seven times higher than a traditional bank and they are rated 5 stars by USA Today for customer service with real humans 24.

[Ad/Promo Voice]

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[Elizabeth Kraft]

Chime is not just smarter banking, it is the most rewarding way to bank. Join the millions who are already banking fee free today.

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It just takes a few minutes to sign up. Head to Chime.com since you asked. That's Chime.com since you asked.

[Chime Legal Voice]

Chime is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services a secured Chime Visa credit card and my pay line of credit provided by the Bancor Bank NA or Stride Bank NA. MyPay eligibility requirements apply and credit limit ranges $20 to $500. Optional services and products may have fees or charges. See chime.com feesinfo advertised annual percentage yield with Chime+status only. Otherwise 1.00% APY applies. No min balance required. Chime card on time payment history may have a positive impact on your credit score. Results may vary. See chime.com for details and applicable terms.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Hey, it's Hasan Minhaj here from the Hasan Minhaj Doesn't Know podcast. Among other things. And I hate the smell of rotting food almost as much as I hate wasting it in the first place. Thankfully, now I have mill. Mill is a food recycler that is odorless, guiltless and completely effortless. See, I've always wanted to reduce my food waste. It is one of the easiest ways for an individual to make a big impact on the environment. But I just cannot stand the mess of a compost bin in the kitchen. But with mill, all you do is drop in your scraps and you let it go. It works quickly and quietly, turning your food, even small bones, into nutrient rich grounds. Now I take out the trash way less. Yet my kitchen smells way better and I don't have to feel guilty when my zucchini gets moldy. Plus it looks cool. Yeah, this trash can alternative is so fly. People keep asking me where I got the giant Alexa. It's chic and savvy, but you have to live with Mille to really get it. Good thing you can try it risk free for 90 days right now and get $75 off with code HMDK visit mill.com HMDK that is mill.com HMDK one

[Elizabeth Kraft]

of the most discouraging things about working

[Gretchen Rubin]

out is putting in the effort and

[Elizabeth Kraft]

not really knowing if it's paying off. You're doing the work, but the progress feels fuzzy.

[Ad/Promo Voice]

That's what makes Tonal different. Tonal is the ultimate strength training system because it actually shows you your progress with every workout. All from home.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Tonal provides the convenience of a full

[Elizabeth Kraft]

gym and the guidance of a personal trainer anytime at home with one sleek system. It's designed to reduce your mental load so you're not stuck planning workouts and wondering if you're doing them right.

[Ad/Promo Voice]

And there's no more second guessing your first perform. Tonal gives you real time coaching cues to help you lift safely and effectively, which makes a huge difference in building confidence.

[Elizabeth Kraft]

After a quick assessment, Tonal sets the optimal weight for every move and adjusts in 1 pound increments as you get stronger so you're always challenged at the right level.

[Ad/Promo Voice]

You can also choose from a variety of expert LED workouts from strength to arrow hit to yoga and mobility, which keeps things feeling fresh and doable.

[Elizabeth Kraft]

Right now, Tonal is offering our listeners $200 off your tonal purchase with promo

[Ad/Promo Voice]

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[Elizabeth Kraft]

That's tonal.com promo code since you ask for $200 off.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And we're back. And before we go, are you ready to give some advice? Here is the question that we will ponder in the next episode and we would love to hear your thoughts. It's from Jessica and here is what she asked I just met my boyfriend's work life and I feel off about it. He's talked about her for years, always made it sound like harmless work stuff. Recently I saw a text from her joking that everyone at work thinks they're sleeping together. He said it was nothing and invited me to meet her. She's not older like he implied. She's close to our age and very touchy with him. Arm touching, leaning on him. She kissed his cheek. At one point she started crying about being lonely and he comforted her like it was normal. She also openly talked about sleeping with coworkers and sending nudes to get favors at work, which made me feel Worse, not better. We're gonna have a lot to say about this letter, but we're not done. He says, I'm overthinking. And that quote, that's just how she is. They work together, so I can't ask for no contact. Am I being insecure or is it fair to want boundaries here? What would those even be? Well, we are so excited to open next episode with this letter.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It's so interesting. And it also reminds me of the question that we talked about in episode 14 where a wife discovered that her husband had been meeting with his ex girlfriend once a year for coffee on the anniversary of her father's death. Yes, and the question was, that's fine to do that, but the problem is how have you never mentioned this? Admitting any reference to the relationship just seemed extremely odd. And here the boyfriend has been mischaracterizing the woman and the relationship. Let's get into this work wife, work husband question next week.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Work wives and work husbands are very common, but need to define that.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, and that's it for today. But before we go, we have some exciting news. Now you can also watch the since you Asked podcast on the CNN app. So go to CNN.com watch and you can watch as well as listen. Remember to send us your questions. We love hearing them. Big or small, we want to hear them all.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And as you all know, every week I talk about word of mouth. Word of mouth is my favorite thing to talk about because I get all of my great podcast recommendations through word of mouth. And if there's something on our podcast that you think would be helpful for someone you care about to hear or you think that they would just enjoy it, please tell them about since youe

[Gretchen Rubin]

Asked and rating and reviewing also really

[Lori]

help spread the word about the show.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Remember whether this podcast was changes your life or just makes you laugh, we're glad you're here.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Since you Asked is for entertainment purposes only and isn't a substitute for professional advice. By sending us your question, you're agreeing. We may use it on the show and edit it for length or clarity.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Are you looking for ways to make your everyday life happier, healthier, more productive and more creative? I'm Gretchen Rubin, the number one best selling author of the Happiness Project, bringing you fresh insights and practical solutions Solutions in the Happier with Gretchen Rubin Podcast. My co host and happiness guinea pig is my sister, Elizabeth Kraft.

[Elizabeth Kraft]

That's me, Elizabeth Kraft, a TV writer

[Gretchen Rubin]

and producer in Hollywood. Join us as we explore ideas and

[Elizabeth Kraft]

hacks about cultivating happiness and good habits.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Check out Happier with Gretchen Rubin from Lemonada Media.