Is It Okay to Admit You’re Less Attracted to Your Partner? Plus: Carl Radke Wants our Advice!

Summary

Podcast Summary: Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin
Episode Title: Is It Okay to Admit You’re Less Attracted to Your Partner? Plus: Carl Radke Wants our Advice!
Date: March 24, 2026
Hosts: Lori Gottlieb & Gretchen Rubin
Special Guest: Carl Radke

Episode Overview

In this lively and heartfelt season two finale, Lori and Gretchen tackle the sensitive question: Is it okay to tell your partner if you’re less attracted to them after a change in appearance—specifically, weight gain? The duo explores not only the nuances of physical attraction and honesty in relationships, but also the deeper relational dynamics underlying such feelings. The episode features Carl Radke (Summer House, More Life podcast), who candidly shares his struggles with imposter syndrome after opening a new business, seeking advice from Lori and Gretchen. Listeners’ wisdom is threaded throughout—especially their most life-changing advice, collected via the "Wisdom of Crowds" segment. The episode is rich with real-life dilemmas, touching stories, and robust strategies for handling tricky interpersonal territory.

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Key Episode Segments & Discussion Points

[03:15] — Listener Updates: Grief, Secret Keeping, and Teen Friendships

Grief After the Death of a Parent

• Listeners wrote in responding to episode 15 on grief and parental loss.
• Janet, who lost her father, expressed being “rocked by the finality” despite feeling closure while he was alive.
  • Gretchen: “It’s so final. You keep thinking, oh let me call, let me send, let me ask. It’s so final.” ([04:15])
• Lori noted, “My mom kept my dad’s voice on their outgoing voicemail...it made me think, well, he’s there, he’s going to call me back.”

Android vs. iPhone: The Teen Text Chain Dilemma

• Listener letters debated how tech choices (like being an "Android family") impact teen social connections.
• Key takeaways:
  • While adults suggested solutions (use WhatsApp, try other messaging apps), Lori and Gretchen empathized with the practical limits for teens to consistently accommodate non-iPhone users.
  • Lori reminded listeners: “Teenagers… their brains aren’t really developed yet. They have trouble with executive functioning and juggling different things.” ([09:46])
• Gretchen challenged the narrative that exclusion was intentional: “It’s a technology problem more than a friend problem.” ([09:46])

Secret Keeping: The Dying Father’s Request

• A listener’s father revealed a 30-year-old secret infidelity and secret siblings, asking his daughter to keep it from her mother.
• Responses included:
  • An anonymous widow who found out about her husband’s infidelity after his death and wished she hadn’t: “This new knowledge is not enriching my life as a widow. Having every fond memory tainted is making my life unpleasant…” ([11:00])
  • Teresa advised waiting to contact the new siblings until after the mother’s death.
• Lori highlighted the “unfair burden” of secrets, questioning why the father shared it in the first place: “I don’t know why he told her, but what a burden to put on your child… secrets have so many ripple effects.” ([14:01])
• Both hosts stressed there is no easy answer.

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[15:34] — Main Advice Question: Admitting You’re Less Attracted Due to Weight Gain

The Listener’s Dilemma

• The letter: How do I tell my partner that my attraction to her has changed due to her weight gain? I feel guilty for saying it, but I’d like to tell her the truth.

Insights & Perspectives

• Attraction Is Complex:
  • Lori explained, "Attraction is relational...our bodies over time change due to stress or hormones or life phases. This is really normal." ([16:17])
  • She advocated for curiosity: Ask, “What does her changing body bring up for him? What anxiety is it bringing up?” ([17:07])
• It’s Not Just About Appearance:
  • Gretchen zoomed out: “Sometimes we see our partner as a reflection on ourselves…our partner is part of us.” ([17:07])
• Underlying Issues:
  • Lori encouraged the listener to look beneath the surface: “A shift in attraction can signal a shift in relational energy.” ([17:24])
  • She suggested asking, “Is something going on between us, or with her, or with me?”
• Constructive Approaches:
  • "Do I notice anything that maybe hasn’t been tended to? … Maybe it’s a health issue, maybe it’s something else.” ([20:00])
  • “Who is the truth for? Does it deepen the bond between us or might it destabilize it? Honesty can function as emotional offloading—it relieves you but wounds your partner.” ([20:57])
• Practical Advice:
  • Gretchen suggested shifting the conversation: “Could just say, 'I’m not feeling as close to you lately. I miss having the kind of connection that I love to have with you. Let’s work on getting that back.’” ([21:35])
  • Lori emphasized not “opening with the weight,” but instead exploring feelings of closeness and letting the conversation develop.

Notable Quotes

• Lori: “Sometimes honesty can function as an emotional offloading. It relieves you, but it wounds your partner.” ([20:57])
• Gretchen: “What about playfulness, sensuality? Are you having downtime together? Maybe feelings of less attraction are coming from other things you’re missing.” ([20:35])
• Gretchen: “This is a very emotionally fraught question, listeners. What do you think?” ([22:32])

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[27:21] — Wisdom of Crowds: Most Life-Changing Advice

Listeners shared their most transformative advice. Gretchen and Lori grouped them thematically:

Taking Action

• Nick: “Get out there and act like you know what you’re doing. No one knows you’ve never cut a wedding cake before.” ([27:42])
• Corey: “What if there is no wrong decision? What if they are both good options, only different.” ([28:05])
• Elise: “‘You’re going to be 40 either way. You can be 40 with the degree or 40 without it.’ I applied the next week.” ([29:00])
• Meg: “You can do the hard things now and make your life easier later, or you can do the easy things and make your life harder later.”
• Jeff: “Send the email… If it’s a reasonable ask, I’ll just send it.” ([28:50])

Gaining Perspective

• Annie: “Wouldn’t you rather be alone than be with someone and be lonely?” ([29:43])
• Ann: “When you’re 20 you worry what people are thinking of you. When you’re 40 you quit caring… When you’re 60, you realize they were never thinking about you at all.” ([29:58])
• Harold: “You’re comparing your behind the scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel.” ([30:30])

Relationships

• Seal: “It doesn’t matter what you say, it matters what they hear.” ([31:25])
• Christina: “Don’t date potential. Date reality.”
• Angela (from her mother): “Notice how he treats people who can’t do anything for him.” ([32:06])
• Maya: “Chemistry is not compatibility.”
• Heather: “Most fights aren’t about what happened, they’re about not feeling heard.” ([33:01])
• Krista: “Be careful. The story you repeat becomes the story you believe.” ([33:10])

Memorable Response

• Lori’s favorite: “The story you repeat becomes the story you believe. That is something I hope everybody will think about.” ([33:33])

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[39:21] — Even Celebrities Need Advice: Carl Radke & Imposter Syndrome

Carl Radke’s Question ([39:57])

• After opening an alcohol-free bar/café, Carl feels like an "imposter," saying, “It's been five months. I feel like I don’t deserve this praise that I sometimes get...in some of these rooms with entrepreneurs, business people that had real long term success...the imposter feeling sometimes is overwhelming.”

Lori & Gretchen’s Response

• Imposter Syndrome Defined:
  • Lori: “It's that feeling that you've fooled people…your success isn’t really deserved or it's just luck or timing or hype and that somebody’s eventually going to find you out.” ([41:16])
• A Common Experience:
  • Gretchen: “Maybe you haven’t comfortably found your place in that new group, but it’s exciting because you’re in a new place.” ([43:36])
• Normalize Discomfort:
  • Lori: “The discomfort comes from not having caught up to your new reality because you’re still acclimating to it."
  • Comparing yourself to those with 15-30 years experience is "a false metric.”
• Reframe Self-Worth:
  • Gretchen: “If you make your self worth conditional on some metric of success, that’s just gonna always feel out of reach.” ([44:11])
  • Lori: “They're not necessarily praising you for your success—they’re excited about the healthy changes you’re making in your life.”
• Tangible Coping Tip:
  • Gretchen shared advice from her sister: “You may always feel illegitimate—why don’t you just ignore that? ...I can just be like, oh yeah, maybe I feel this way, I don’t have to let it matter.” ([45:43])
• Shift Focus Inward:
  • Lori urged focusing on internal validation: “It doesn’t matter what they’re thinking. It matters, what are you thinking about what you’re doing?” ([47:07])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Gretchen Rubin: “If you are trying to make or break a habit, you might enjoy my book Better Than Before.” ([01:36]) (reminding listeners of her work on habits)
• Lori Gottlieb: “We want to feel like there’s a right answer, and there’s just not.” ([15:23])
• Gretchen Rubin: “I could read an entire book that is just people’s life-changing advice.” ([02:23])
• On heartbreak: “Wouldn’t you rather be alone than be with someone and be lonely?” (Listener Annie) ([29:43])
• On action: “You’ll be 40 anyway. You can be 40 with the degree or 40 without it.” (Listener’s brother, via Elise) ([29:00])
• On comparison: “You’re comparing your behind the scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel.” ([30:30])
• On relationships: “It doesn’t matter what you say, it matters what they hear.” ([31:25])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:15] Listener updates: Grief, teen phone dilemmas, keeping secrets
• [15:34] Discussion: Attraction, weight gain, and relational honesty
• [27:21] Wisdom of Crowds: Life-changing advice from listeners
• [39:21] Even Celebrities Need Advice: Carl Radke’s imposter syndrome
• [41:16] Defining and reframing imposter syndrome
• [47:34] Season wrap-up, call for listener questions

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Episode Takeaways

• Attraction in relationships is multifaceted and often a reflection of deeper shifts—surface concerns can mask underlying relational issues.
• When considering difficult honest conversations, interrogate your motivations: Will “the truth” build connection or simply relieve your own discomfort while potentially hurting your partner?
• Imposter syndrome is universal and often signals growth; rather than proof you don’t belong, it means you’ve entered a new, bigger room.
• Listener-sourced advice is gold—sometimes the simplest reframes (“you’ll be 40 anyway”) are the most life-changing.
• Community, shared wisdom, and self-compassion weave through all the show’s themes: No matter your situation, you are not alone.

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For More or to Contribute:
Submit your own dilemma or life advice at theseenseuspodcast.com
Season 3 returns soon!

Transcript

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[Carl Radke]

Hey, it's Carl Radke. So I opened my new business, soft bar. It's alcohol free. And since we launched our business in September, I've been viewed as kind of like this expert or this guru. And I feel like sometimes I'm an imposter.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So glad he brought up this question of imposter syndrome, because I feel like this is a very common issue that people face.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. And it often shows up the way it's showing up for Carl, which is when you're growing or stretching yourself, it doesn't mean that you don't belong in the means that maybe you walked into a bigger one. Hey, Gretchen.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Hey, Lori.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And hey, listeners. Welcome to since youe Asked, a podcast where Gretchen and I give our best advice to listeners who are struggling with a dilemma, whether big or small. We give our perspectives and of course, we also include responses from you, our SENTU asks listeners. I'm Laurie Gottlieb. I'm a psychotherapist and author of the book maybe youe Should Talk to Someone. I also write the Ask the Therapist advice column for the New York Times.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, good habits, and human nature. I've written many books, and if you are trying to make or break a habit, you might enjoy my book better than before.

[Lori Gottlieb]

So today is a special episode because it is the last episode of season two. And when we took a break between seasons one and two, many of you asked what happened to the podcast. So because we always talk about communication on this show, we wanna make sure that we are communicating with you and we wanna make sure that you know that we will be back in a couple of months with season three. So don't worry, we're not going anywhere. And in fact, while we're working on our new episodes, please send us your questions for season three and we will be very excited to tackle them in the new season.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Today we will be giving advice on what to do when you're feeling less attracted to your partner. And we'll also be wrapping up the season with our most popular question that you keep weighing in on the most life changing advice you've ever received. This is endlessly fascinating. I could read an entire book that is just people's life changing advice. It's such a great subject.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And also today, our friend and Summer House star Carl Radke wants our guidance on on the imposter syndrome that he's struggling with because as we've said before, even celebrities need advice. First, we'll share your thoughts on some earlier questions, including the text chain friendship dilemma and the dying Father's family secret request.

[Gretchen Rubin]

As always, if you have a question for us, ask [e-mail] and we might feature it in an upcoming episode. Please keep them coming. We love reading your questions.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Now for the updates. In episode 15 we talked about grief and what it's been like in the aftermath of both of our fathers deaths. And we heard from a lot of you about how you managed losses of all kinds. Our listener Janet had this to say about her own experience of losing her father. And like us, Janet was very close with her father. Here's what she said.

[Gretchen Rubin]

My father passed three years ago at the age of 87. He was also a very beloved man and died in hospice. It was such a loving and respectful way to go. I believe this wonderful care and the lack of trauma, physical and emotional, has greatly helped my grieving process. But what I found that most affected me was the finality of it all. No more visits, calls, conversations about what was next. It was just all done. Even though I felt I had shared everything I needed to with my dad and he knew, he was so loved. I I was rocked by the finality. It was a new sensation for me. I very much enjoyed this podcast and have been exposed to so much useful information. Thank you. I know exactly what Janet means by this finality. It's just you keep thinking, oh let me call, let me send, let me ask. It's so final.

[Lori Gottlieb]

It's interesting because my mom kept my dad's voice on their outgoing voicemail for their homeline and it always made me think, well, he's there, he's going to call me back. I know exactly what she's talking about.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And then we had a question from a listener whose high school son was feeling shut out of friend group plans because he had an Android phone instead of an iPhone. And this was meaning that he was left out of text chains because they didn't want to deal with the green bubbles. If you're not familiar with this, this might sound sort of extreme or unusual, but in fact this is a very common issue and the mother was saying we don't want to give in to peer pressure. We're trying to encourage the friends to be upstanders. We're an Android family, so we feel like we can't monitor his usage. If he were on an iPhone, there was a lot to it and people had a lot to say.

[Lori Gottlieb]

So Sarah said, as an adult in a half iPhone, half Android family, I have trouble handling our group chats with maturity and patience, so I'm not surprised that these kids would rather leave someone off than deal with the frustration. Sometimes we can't uphold all of our strongly held values at once, and I think I would let we are an Android Family slide for the Benefit of my child's friendships. How many parents with teens who are depressed, struggling with drugs, or have no friends at all would buy 100 iPhones if they thought it would make a difference for their teen? Further, the fact that this teen is willing to buy it himself and it's for the benefit of doing something really positive, being outdoors with his friends and makes this an easy decision for me. By the phone she means they were making plans to go biking, but he was not on the text chains, so he would not get invited to that because his phone was not receiving those texts.

[Gretchen Rubin]

What is the nature of this desire? The nature is to stay connected to friends and to do fun activities, Theresa said. The child wants to save and buy his own iPhone. Let him get it. Or the child can ask one of his best friends to pass along the text and as he gets them, there must be one decent friend in the bunch. Many people mention. What about the friends? If they're real friends, they'll participate. Or real friends will include you, or real friends will make sure that you're looped in. I think it's a lot to ask for teens to be very consistent in this way. I'm not sure that it's realistic to think that they would consistently do it. They might try, but they just might not be very reliable about this. I think that they could be a decent friend and also be pretty forgetful.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And also, as we talked about when we discussed this question, it isn't like they're excluding him because he doesn't have the right brand. It's because there's an actual technological issue and it means they have to take an extra step if they want to include him. And sometimes it's hard for them to even just take the first step, but then to have to remember, oh wait, we have a friend who has an Android and now we have to do the text shade this way. Could be a little tricky to get teenagers to do that. And along those lines, Ashley said Android vs iPhone for teens I feel this as a mid-30s software engineer who is attached to her Android life and gets left out of many chats because of it. I so empathize for this teen. I also know the intricacies of being a parent and needing to set parental controls on the tech our children use. By principle, these quote friends aren't really friends. If they are leaving this teen out, it could be worth coaching the teen through a conversation with the friends. Maybe a middle ground would be leveraging a messaging app like WhatsApp or Signal. There's so much being done by both Apple and Google to make the texting experience more seamless. I really hope this problem goes away soon. Solidarity to the teen and mom hard. So again, what she's asking is maybe they can even use a different app like WhatsApp or Signal. But asking teens to do that is a little bit tricky in reality.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well also she's in her mid-30s and she's saying she's being left out of chats. There are efforts being made to address this. So maybe this is something that's going to get solved. But your kid's hurting now. It feels urgent I'm sure to this family. Nikki says iPhone vs Android in my adult friend group, WhatsApp has been a game changer in bridging the iPhone. Android Divide. It doesn't distinguish between phone types and has a lot of community oriented features for group chats. If this group isn't willing to accommodate the Android user and then this may not be his tribe. Go where you are accepted. Again, I'm not sure that being inconsiderate is the same as not being friend worthy because this almost sounds like they're not willing to do this for me. Then I need to find different friends. But maybe you could get them to do WhatsApp. If this is a way we can meet in the middle, maybe that's worth trying.

[Lori Gottlieb]

If you haven't had a teenager, it might be hard to understand why it would take extra effort to do this. And we're not saying that's not a good idea. These are all great ideas. We would hope that our friends would go the extra mile. It's just that teenagers, their brains aren't really developed yet. They have trouble with executive functioning and juggling different things. And so yes, they're very good with their phones, but sometimes it can be hard to say we have to do this different thing because they are including the friend at school. It's not like they're ostracizing the friend. If they see the friend in person, they're like, hey, come out with us. This is a technology problem more than a friend problem.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. And saying someone's a bad friend if they're not willing to do this. That's maybe harsher than it needs to be in terms of the judgment of the friends.

[Host 1]

Yeah.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It's interesting to know that this is such a phenomenon even among adult groups. Okay, this was a very interesting question in episode 16 this had to do with keeping families safe. There was a dying father who asked his adult daughter to keep the secret of his 30 year old infidelity and the twins that resulted from it. The writer had never met these half siblings. Her father wanted her to promise that

[Lori Gottlieb]

she would never contact them and never tell the mother. Here's what some of you had to say about this. An anonymous listener said, this has some relationship to my current situation, so I thought my feelings might be of interest. My husband of 31 years recently died of cancer. I loved him dearly and thought that he was the best of men. Sadly, after he died, I found out that I was mistaken. He had been cheating on me through our whole marriage with many, many people. He had a whole secret life. Although I wish I had known this much sooner so I could have divorced him, I am not glad that I know now. This new knowledge is not enriching my life as a widow. Having every fond memory tainted is making my life unpleasant and even sadder than it would have been if I was just a wife grieving my sweet husband in the company of treasured memories. I wish I did not know. There is nothing I can do about it now. Even worse would have been a deathbed confession. I shudder to imagine caring for him dying at home in his last days while I was filled with rage. I don't think the listener should reveal her father's infidelity to her mother. It would be different if he were not sick, if he were not dying. But right now this knowledge can only make her mother's life worse. I cannot imagine any apology or declaration of love that could make knowing this while caring for a dying person a positive situation. I think the daughter should promise her father that she won't tell her mother, not to ease his fears, but to prevent him telling his wife Himself. I think the writer should do exactly as she has moved to regarding her own relationship with her secret half siblings. But she should certainly not reveal her father's infidelity to her mother now that his death is imminent.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I don't think she was thinking about that. That didn't seem to be something that was preoccupying her. But here the anonymous listener is saying, you don't want the husband to tell the wife as a deathbed confession. So that's a new twist.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I think he was trying everything possible not to have the mother find out. The difference here is that this listener's husband was cheating throughout the entire marriage. And not that it's okay that the husband in the other letter cheated, but. But it sounds like he cheated 30 years ago. Had the twins thought he was doing the right thing by protecting his wife's feelings? Not the right thing, but thought he was doing the right thing and took care of the kids secretly. And it sounds like the father was not cheating throughout the marriage, that something happened 30 years ago. And I can say as a therapist that there are many marriages in which people cheat and then they repair it. And it is something that never recurs again. And they have a very strong merit. It's a different situation than an ongoing cheating situation for years and years and years.

[Gretchen Rubin]

But it's also different when something is revealed and you deal with it, and you have time to deal with it and to go through stages of anger and repair. Yes, and repair. And this is a very compressed timeline.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. I thought it was helpful to hear from her what she would have wanted. Even if he had told me on his deathbed, I would be so filled with rage, and I don't know how that would have been a positive experience. So that's an interesting firsthand perspective on this.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And Teresa wrote, as far as the father asking the daughter to keep the secret, the daughter should promise to keep the secret and let dad rest in peace. The daughter should keep the secret, and only when the mom passes, she can reach out to the twins if she wants a relationship with the twins. If she starts the relationship before the mom dies, the mom may find out. Patience.

[Lori Gottlieb]

But that's what's so difficult about this situation that the father has put the daughter in. It's so unfair. The thing I never understood about that letter was why he told the daughter in the first place. Was he trying to cleanse his soul? Was it just building up too much and he had to tell someone? Or was he worried that one day she'd do one of those 23andMe DNA tests and she would find the siblings and then there would be all this confusion about how they existed and what happened. I don't know why he told her, but what a burden to put on your child. And then to ask her to hold that secret. Because now if she doesn't say anything to the mom, she knows she holds this big secret. It's such a burden on her. And she may be curious about those half siblings. But again, who knows? The mom might be around for a very long time. Maybe the siblings won't be alive at some point or she won't have an opportunity to. To meet them. And then she's left with that kind of regret. That's why secrets are such a burden. And it's really important for people to understand that secrets have so many ripple effects.

[Gretchen Rubin]

When would have been the time to reveal the secret if it was something that happened in the distant past, many

[Lori Gottlieb]

years ago, something that you can do

[Gretchen Rubin]

at any time, you often do it. No time. I'm sure there was never a time where you thought, oh, this is a good time to tell my wife about my twins and my affair. You see how they endure.

[Lori Gottlieb]

So many interesting takes on these. There's no right answer. It's a very, very complicated situation.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Now let's talk about today's advice. This is the question that we raised at the end of the last episode. So you could be thinking about it. This is a question people might have strong reactions to, but we chose to discuss it because it is the kind of issue that many people have in different ways, but are often too ashamed to ask. And there is more here than meets the eye. It's a very short question, but it contains a lot. The anonymous listener wrote, how do I tell my partner that my attraction to her has changed due to her weight gain? I don't want to feel less attraction, and I feel guilty for saying it, but I'd like to tell her the truth.

[Lori Gottlieb]

That's a very hard situation to be in because in any relationship, attraction fluctuates, and sometimes we don't want to acknowledge that. But I think it's important to remember that physical attraction isn't just about appearance, that attraction is relational. We're attracted to our partners for many reasons, and our bodies over time change due to stress or hormones or life phases. This is really normal. But it seems like here there's some kind of shift going on in this person's internal experience. Sometimes people will have a very drastic change in their body. So what I would want to know why Is this weight gain happening if it's a drastic change, or what does her changing body bring up for him?

[Gretchen Rubin]

What anxiety is it bringing up? Because sometimes we see our partner as a reflection on ourself. We see our own aging, our own loss of vitality, our own fear of a change in health. So many things are wrapped up in our physical appearance and our partner is part of us.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right. It's almost like a mirror. And sometimes our own self esteem is mirrored back to us. Does this change this person's idea of their social status or how they feel about themselves? In addition to all those questions about what does it bring up about fear of decline or health or aging or vitality control, all of those things. When this person starts thinking about what's going on for him, it's important to remember that a shift in attraction can signal a shift in relational energy. So those complaints like I'm less attracted, I want to ask the question is what else is happening between you two right now? Is there some kind of distance? Is there some kind of resentment? Is there some kind of unspoken hurt that got displaced onto the appearance? In fact, is she gaining weight because she has things that she has not been able to talk about? And sometimes, how do we cope? We watch a lot of TV or we eat certain foods, or we do all kinds of things, maybe non verbally, when we aren't really able to talk about what's happening.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So you're saying that this is the question presented, but actually there are much bigger questions that are underneath the surface that you have to figure out, I

[Lori Gottlieb]

think to change his dilemma from I'm less attracted to her to a curiosity of what's happening between us right now and our relationship. Do I notice anything that maybe hasn't been tended to? Is something going on with her? Is something going on with me? Something going on between us?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. And that feels like a much more constructive question to be pondering. Well, Lori, you mentioned the fact that sometimes changes in appearance can change the relationship dynamic. And I just by chance listened to a very interesting episode of the podcast the Daily where a journalist talked to couples about how GLP1 weight loss, drugs had really changed their relationship. It was a very interesting look at this very specific question. That's the October 7, 2025 episode. If anyone is interested in in how this question presented in that specific context.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right. And it happens in the opposite direction if your partner loses weight. Sometimes people feel really threatened by that or they feel not attracted anymore, or there's something that changes the balance of the relationship. This is the person that I'm with. And then something changes. They gain weight, they lose weight, and it really shifts something in the relationship. And sometimes when we don't want them to change, we like the status quo, whether it's about whether they gained weight or lost weight.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So what is our advice?

[Lori Gottlieb]

Well, as we said, I think it's important to understand more about his reaction first. And one way to get really honest with himself is to ask, if she lost weight tomorrow, would everything feel repaired in your relationship? Would everything feel good? Or are there other issues between you that come to mind? So imagine that she's back at her normal weight. Is everything really okay? Or do you have any sense of even why she's gaining weight? Maybe it's a health issue, but maybe it's something else. So why aren't you talking about it? Do you have a sense of maybe why this change is happening in the first place?

[Gretchen Rubin]

And also think about all the other parts of attraction. Maybe you're focusing in on one issue, but what about playfulness, sensuality? Are you having downtime to be together? Are there things that you could do to focus on your relationship? Because it may be that the feelings of having less attraction are coming from other aspects of things that you're missing that you haven't focused on.

[Lori Gottlieb]

If you are thinking of saying something to her, think about why. The question isn't just, how do I tell her? But what outcome am I hoping for? Is it that you want more connection? Is this the way to get it? Sometimes we think, well, honesty is the best policy. But I think sometimes honesty can function as almost an emotional offloading. It relieves you, but it wounds your partner. So ask yourself, who is the truth for? Does it deepen the bond between us or might it destabilize it? That doesn't mean you shouldn't say anything. It means you want to be really thoughtful about, what is it that I want here? I wonder what is causing this change?

[Gretchen Rubin]

This could be a health concern, so that's something to be aware of. But back to this idea of what is it that you want? And how would you bring that up? Could just say, I'm not feeling as close to you lately. I miss having the kind of connection that I love to have with you. Let's work on getting that back. And so it's more about how do we have energy and vitality and playfulness between us Rather than framing it in this way.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I would not open with the wait. I would maybe open with, I've been feeling that maybe we haven't been as close or I'm feeling some distance and then ask her have you been feeling this too? And she might say, I'm not really feeling good about my body right now and here's what's going on, just opening up what is happening between us and then you can see where the conversation goes. It doesn't mean avoid the weight, it means let's see what happens when you talk about the underlying question, which is I want to feel attracted to my partner, but there's something that's getting in the way.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This is a very emotionally fraught question, listeners. What do you think? Have you been in this situation on either side? When it comes to attraction, how did you handle it? What did you discover? We want to hear about this. Let us [e-mail] and after the break we are going to bring more of your life changing advice.

[Host 1]

One thing people underestimate about healthy habits is the amount of planning they require. Figuring out what to cook, grocery shopping, actually making a meal. It can add up quickly.

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[Lori Gottlieb]

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[Lori Gottlieb]

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[Host 1]

If you're like many people, every new year, you set the same kind of intentions. More energy, better focus, being more consistent with the habits you know are good for you.

[Gretchen Rubin]

But there may be years where you're doing all the right things things sleeping enough, eating well, moving your body.

[Host 1]

But you still feel tired and foggy in a way you couldn't quite explain.

[Host 2]

That's something a lot of people don't realize can be connected to iron levels. Low iron doesn't always look dramatic. It can show up quietly as persistent fatigue, brain fog or trouble concentrating, frequent headaches, irritability or low mood, or brittle nails and hair breakage. An iron deficiency can exist even before anemia develops, meaning you might feel symptoms long before anything looks serious.

[Host 1]

When iron levels are low, your body has to work harder to deliver oxygen, which can affect energy, focus, mood and physical performance. And traditional iron supplements often don't help

[Gretchen Rubin]

the way people hope because the body

[Host 1]

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[Lori Gottlieb]

And we're back with the Wisdom of Crowds Question these have been so popular all season so we thought we would hold you over until next season with the latest responses that you all sent in to our most popular question. As a reminder, the question was what's the most life changing advice you ever received? And the first category that we broke it down to was on taking action.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, I love this one from Nick. He wrote, when I was 24 and working for a catering company and was tasked to cut and serve the multi tiered wedding cake, I told my boss I had never cut a wedding cake before. He said, get out there and act like you know what you're doing. No one knows you've never cut a wedding cake before. It has stuck with me. Get out there and do your best. I would be very intimidated by that assignment.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And Corey said, I was struggling between two choices. An either or situation, no in between. I was so frozen, so worried about picking the quote wrong one. My therapist said, what if there is no wrong decision? What if they are both good options, only different? Such a simple reframing, but so helpful.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Marianne said, eat the frog first and get it over with. Meaning don't keep putting off the dreaded thing. I love that one.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Alexander said, the best advice I ever got was in high school from a mother figure in my life, which was if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Meg said, you can do the hard things now and make your life easier later or you can do the easy things and make your life harder later. Your choice.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And Jeff said, simple one Send the email. I've talked myself out of so many opportunities by overthinking. Now if it's a reasonable ask, I'll just send it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Except if you're angry, in which case don't send the email. Elise said, I spent three years saying I wanted to go back to school. Three years. Finally my older brother looked at me and said, you're going to be 40 either way. You can be 40 with the degree or 40 without it. I applied the next week, graduated at 41. Great.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I got similar advice when I was doing my internship and a lot of people were saying, oh, it's going to take this long before we take our boards. It's going to be this long before we get licensed. And one of our supervisors said the exact same thing. You're going to be 40 anyway. Doesn't matter, just do what you're doing. And Douglas said my grandmother would say, if wishes were fishes, we would all have a fry. Your luck is made by effort and study.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Here's some that are all around the challenge of gaining perspective. Annie wrote from my roommate in nursing school when I was devastated after a breakup with a serious boyfriend, wouldn't you rather be alone than be with someone and be lonely?

[Lori Gottlieb]

And Ann said, when you're 20, you worry about what people are thinking of you. When you're 40, you quit caring about what they are thinking of you. When you're 60, you realize they were never thinking about you at all. And you get so much freedom from knowing that.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Angel said, it's not embarrassing if you're not embarrassed. Oh, I think there's a lot there.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Felicia said, the more you know, the more you know there is to know. My sociology teacher told me this one, but Aristotle is said to be the one who stated a version of it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Originally, Harold said, I used to feel behind everyone else. A colleague told me, you're comparing your behind the scenes to everyone else's highlight reel. I still have to remind myself of that weekly.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And this is social media in a nutshell. And Lori said, when I was pregnant with my first child, I panicked constantly. My OB said very calmly, your body knows more about this than your brain does. That line lowered my blood pressure by 20 points.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It's such a good example is sometimes somebody just says the right thing at the right time and it makes such a huge difference. Lisa said, don't laugh, but I was scrolling TikTok the other day and I came across this guy who said, don't categorize things as hard or easy because what's hard for one person may be easy for another and vice versa. Instead, say I'm familiar or unfamiliar with that. I thought, what a wonderful way to look at situations and have a growth mindset.

[Lori Gottlieb]

So those were really helpful with perspective. And we also have some on relationships that you all submitted. Seal said from a friend when we were raising teenagers, it doesn't matter what you say, it matters what they hear.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Ah, interesting. Christina said, several good ones I wish I'd heard sooner. Don't date potential. Date reality. You don't get what you don't ask for. And the wolf you feed with your attentions, thoughts and actions is the one that wins. Oh, those are good ones.

[Lori Gottlieb]

The metaphor for that one that I love is if you think about a camera and you say decide what you want in the frame.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That's a good one too.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And Angela said, my mother gave me this advice before I got married. Notice how he treats people who can't do anything for him.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This reminds me of a quotation I love from William Lyon Phelps. He said, it is the final test of a gentleman, his respect for those who can be of no possible service to to him.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And Laura said, my dad said don't loan family or friends money. Give them freely what you can afford, one time only and tell them not to pay you back. It can prevent the breakdown of a relationship and frees you to hold no animosity if they don't pay you back. So in other words, give the money if you have it and want to give it, but otherwise have no expectations of repayment. I think that's a healthy way to look at it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Maya said, after a brutal breakup, my therapist told me chemistry is not compatibility. I wish I'd heard that at 22 instead of 35. Yeah, that's a succinct way to say it.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And Heather said, during a rough patch in my marriage, a counselor told us, most fights aren't about what happened, they're about not feeling heard. Well, amen to that.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Lori, I think you should feel good that many people are quoting their therapists and counselors here. People are taking these words to heart. Your work is not in vain. Krista said, I used to vent about my wife constantly at work. An older coworker pulled me aside and said, be careful. The story you repeat becomes the story you believe. I stopped. It changed my marriage. That's beautiful.

[Lori Gottlieb]

This is my favorite because this is something that I see all the time. The story you repeat becomes the story you believe. That is something I hope that everybody will think about. And Alan said, my life changed when I stopped asking what I could get out of something. A relationship, work, relatives, et cetera and started asking what I could bring to something.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Look in our socials for upcoming thought provoking questions to weigh in on. We love these wisdom of crowds questions. After the break, someone you might know has a question for us about Imposters syndrome. But first, this break,

[Host 1]

I really shifted how I think about getting dressed. I do not want more clothes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I want better clothes. Pieces that feel good, look polished and

[Host 1]

do not require overthinking. That's honestly why I keep coming back to Quint. The fabrics feel elevated, the cuts are thoughtful and the pricing actually makes sense.

[Host 2]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

about how it's made.

[Host 1]

Quince works directly with safe, ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen you're not paying for for brand markup or fancy retail stores, just quality clothing. The linen holds up, the cotton poplin is crisp and keeps its shape. The gauze is soft without feeling flimsy. These are the pieces you reach for again and again.

[Host 2]

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[Host 1]

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[Host 2]

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[Lori Gottlieb]

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[Lori Gottlieb]

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[Host 2]

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[Host 1]

I think a lot of us grew up assuming banking

[Gretchen Rubin]

just came with fees.

[Host 1]

Overdraft charges, monthly fees, waiting days for your own paycheck. It felt normal even when it was frustrating. Chime is changing the way people bank fee free and smarter banking built for you. Not like old school banks that charge overdraft and monthly fees. Built for you, not the 1%.

[Host 2]

What stands out is that Chime unlocks smarter banking for everyday people. With products like MyPay, you can access up to $500 of your paycheck anytime and get paid up to two days early with direct deposit. Some old banks still don't offer that and you can forget overdraft fees, minimum balance fees and monthly fees.

[Host 1]

It also shifts how everyday spending works. Chime turns everyday spending into real rewards and financial progress. You can bank fee free with overdraft coverage you can count on, build credit history stress free, earn up to 3% APY on savings which is seven times higher than a traditional bank and they are rated five stars by USA Today for customer service with real humans 247

[Host 2]

and the Chime card is a new way to build credit history with your own money and get rewarded every single day Day no annual fees, no interest, no strings attached. When you get qualifying direct deposits, you get 1.5% cash back on eligible Chime card purchases. This is exactly what my younger self needed.

[Host 1]

Chime is not just smarter banking. It is the most rewarding way to bank join the millions who are already banking fee free today.

[Host 2]

It just takes a few minutes to sign up. Head to Chime.com since you asked. That's Chime.com

[Lori Gottlieb]

Chime is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services A secured Chime, Visa credit card and MyPay line of credit provided by the Bancor Bank NA or Stride Bank NA. MyPay eligibility requirements apply and credit limit ranges $20 to $500. Optional services and products may have fees or charges. See chime.com feesinfo advertised annual percentage yield with Chime+status only. Otherwise 1.00% APY applies. No min balance required. Chime Card on time payment history may have a positive impact on your credit score. Results may vary. See chime.com for details and applicable terms.

[Host 1]

Cozy really clicked for us because Cozy furniture is designed to make your home comfortable, modern, and practical. It's furniture that actually fits real life, not just how a room looks in photos.

[Host 2]

What stands out about Cozy is that it's designed to fit your space and your style. Because it's customized by you. Cozy focuses on smart design, adaptable style, and comfort that can change over time, which matters.

[Lori Gottlieb]

When life doesn't stay the same, that flexibility is huge.

[Host 1]

Cozy believes that you should have your your home your way. Their modular furniture lets you change layouts, update colors, and adjust how things work without starting over. Plus, Cozy makes furniture shopping easier with

[Gretchen Rubin]

free design consultants who help you get

[Host 1]

the most out of your space.

[Host 2]

And emotionally, Cozy really gets it. Life at home is not picture perfect. It's messy and busy and quiet all at once. Cozy furniture is designed to meet you where you are with pieces that shift when you need space, hidden storage that helps with clutter, and washable fabrics that forgive everyday accidents.

[Host 1]

Cozy makes furnishing your home easy.

[Host 2]

Transform your living space today with cozy. Visit cozy.com spelled C O Z E Y the home of possibilities MADE easy.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And we're back with our segment. Even celebrities need advice because we know that no matter what your life is like, nobody is immune from the challenges of being human. So I was just on Carl Radke's podcast, and in addition to many Seasons, starring on the series Summer House, and now hosting a new podcast called More Life. Carl is the author of the memoir Cake A Journey of Self Discovery. And his podcast More Life is about figuring out life after loss and sobriety and so much more. We thought Carl might have a question for us, and he did. And here it is.

[Carl Radke]

Hey, it's Carl Radke. Here's my question for you. So I opened my new business, Soft Bar, which is a bar and cafe in Brooklyn, New York. It's alcohol free. We describe it as a mindful consumption bar and cafe. It's a third space and since we've launched our business in September, I've been viewed as kind of like this expert or this guru on kind of the non alcoholic movement. And I kind of feel like sometimes I'm an imposter, you know, because I don't think I'm an expert. I know a lot. I'm very passionate. But it opened in September. It's been five months. I feel like an imposter getting praise and getting a lot of recognition for doing what we're doing because I feel like it hasn't reached that point where you can kind of say it's a success fully. You know, I'm in some of these rooms with entrepreneurs, business people that had had real long term success with businesses and where I'm such a new business that I don't feel like I deserve this praise that I sometimes will get when I attend various meetings or even doing press or media. And the imposter feeling sometimes is overwhelming. So I'm wondering if you guys could shed some light on those feelings and how to navigate that. Thanks so much. Cheers.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So glad he brought up this question of imposter syndrome, because people talk about imposter syndrome all the time. I feel like this is a very common issue that people face just to

[Lori Gottlieb]

define what imposter syndrome is. It's that feeling that you've fooled people like Carl was talking about that your success isn't really deserved or it's just luck or timing or hype and that somebody's eventually going to find you out and realize that you aren't actually as impressive as you seem to be.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. That you're a fake or you don't deserve to be in that room or doing that interview or having that opportunity because somehow you don't really belong there the way the other people do.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. And it often shows up the way it's showing up for Carl, which is when you're growing or stretching yourself, you're doing something beyond your normal comfort zone like he is. You know, he has a very different experience as somebody in Hollywood, but he hasn't opened a business before.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. People get imposter syndrome sometimes when they get a promotion or they get a new job or they get admitted to college or they become a first time parent. They don't really belong there. They haven't earned their place there. Yeah.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And Carl has also been really public in his book and his podcast about the death of his brother and how he finally hit rock bottom and realized he needed to stop drinking. And so he's had to do a lot of work on who am I in this new version of life. So there are a lot of changes going on in his life other than opening this business. And I wonder if that is contributing to his questions about whether he's an imposter, because I think imposter syndrome is really a question about identity. What are my strengths and what are my challenges and what do I need to learn and what's a realistic way to look at myself that includes the positive things and maybe the things that I need to change.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, and for Carl, because he's such a public figure, that heightens it because there's a lot of other people who are cheering him on or maybe questioning him, and that might be amplifying this feeling of being an imposter. People could have a lot of strong opinions. Does he have the talent to be an entrepreneur? Is he just getting this opportunity because of his fame? I think he might have it what you would call an ordinary person.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right. Because so many people are going to see what, what his success or lack of success looks like. So what is our advice? We might want to reframe imposter syndrome. It doesn't mean that you don't belong in the room. It just means that maybe you walked into a bigger one.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right now you're part of a whole new group and maybe you haven't comfortably found your place in that new group, but it's exciting because you're in a new place.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. And I think what people are experiencing is the discomfort. You haven't caught up to your new reality because you're still acclimating to it. So when he compares himself to all of these entrepreneurs and other successful business people that he's around, they've had 15 years or 30 years or whatever they've had, and he's had, as he said, five months. So I think it's a false metric to compare himself to the people in the rooms that he encounters. It's a False equivalence.

[Gretchen Rubin]

One of the things about the imposter syndrome is you think, if I achieve this aim, if I reach this outcome, if I get to this rung on the ladder, then I'll feel like I belong, then I'll know that I've made it. But that will always move. There will always be bigger, better, next. And you just feed that imposter syndrome. If you make your self worth conditional on some metric of success, that's just gonna always feel out of reach.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right? For him, it might be when we have multiple locations or when we're in retail or whatever his metric might be.

[Gretchen Rubin]

When I feel like an expert, he

[Lori Gottlieb]

may never feel like an expert, right? Then I'll deserve this. Then I'll deserve the praise that I'm getting. I think people are praising him not because he's made that business into an enormous success yet. I think they're praising him because he opened a business. He's just gone through all of this loss, he's gone through all of this change. He's been sober for several years now. He's making all these positive changes in his life and they're cheering him on. So the praise is not about, you're so successful. The praise is about look at how you're making these exciting, healthy changes in your life. And especially because the business that he opened is tied to his sobriety, it's non alcoholic. So I think people are just really excited for him and he's confusing that with people are praising me for my success. They're not necessarily praising you for your success. They're praising you because they're excited about the kinds of choices you're making in your life that are very different from maybe the less healthy ones. And if people have seen Summer House, they know all about the less healthy ones that he has made in the past.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right? They don't think, oh my gosh, you're the most successful entrepreneur of your generation. They're looking to you for a different kind of success. But here's something that's worked really well for me because I had this feeling, which I described as feeling illegitimate, that whatever I was doing, I was illegitimate doing it. At one point my sister said to me, well, you may always feel illegitimate. Why don't you just ignore that? Oh yeah, I can just ignore it. I can just be like, oh yeah, maybe I feel this way. I don't have to let it matter to me. Just put it to the side. And that was super helpful.

[Lori Gottlieb]

That's so interesting, this idea of feeling illegitimate, because I think a lot of people do feel that way. But I always want to get curious with them about what does it mean to be legitimate, who was a legitimate person and you really knew them? Because there's so many people who come into my office and say that. And to the outside world, the people who feel illegitimate are comparing themselves to these people who are saying privately to me, I feel illegitimate. So what does it actually mean to be a legitimate person? I think that we need to stop comparing ourselves to some idea of other people and ask ourselves, how do I feel about myself right now? Am I proud? Carl might ask, am I proud of the fact that I'm opening up this business? Does this mission feel aligned with who I am and what I'm trying to do in the world? And I think that will help him to stop wondering what are other people thinking when they look at what he's doing and pay more attention. Put the spotlight on himself instead of putting the spotlight on everybody else. Doesn't matter what they're thinking. It matters what are you thinking about what you're doing?

[Gretchen Rubin]

People talk about imposter syndrome a lot, so tell us what you think. Have you experienced imposter syndrome? What helped you when you did? We can all learn from each other. Let us [e-mail]

[Lori Gottlieb]

and that is it for season two. We will be back for season three. Please send us your questions. We're so excited to start working on those. And thank you all for being here with us each week as we try to make life a little easier for everyone.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And while you're waiting for a new episode, please rate, review and recommend the show that really makes a difference. We really appreciate it and feel free to go back and listen to episodes you missed or you want to hear again. Like maybe you heard the updates from a question, but you missed the question itself. You can always pick up something new when you give it a second listen.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And remember, you can always watch our podcast on CNN.com watch or on the CNN app.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Send us your questions. We love hearing them.

[Host 1]

Big or small.

[Gretchen Rubin]

We want to hear them all. And remember whether this podcast changes your life or just makes you laugh.

[Host 1]

We're glad you're here.

[Carl Radke]

Since you asked is for entertainment purposes only and isn't a substitute for professional advice. By sending us your question, you're agreeing. We may use it on the show

[Lori Gottlieb]

and edit it for length or Clari.