Should Parents Stay at Your Place or a Hotel? Plus: Temptation in the Office

Summary

Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb & Gretchen Rubin

Episode: Should Parents Stay at Your Place or a Hotel? Plus: Temptation in the Office
Date: November 11, 2025
Podcast by Lemonada Media

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Overview

This episode centers on classic real-life dilemmas submitted by listeners:

• How should a newly married couple handle the question of whether visiting parents should stay in their home or get a hotel?
• How can someone handle constant candy temptations at work?

The hosts, therapist Lori Gottlieb and happiness researcher Gretchen Rubin, share practical advice and empathetic insights, drawing also from listener feedback and polling, and discuss themes of boundary-setting, compromise, and the importance of rituals.

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Main Topics

1. Listener Updates and Wisdom from the Crowd

[02:35–09:33]

Recent Listener Questions Revisited:

• Teenager’s Messy Bedroom:
  • Embarrassment can prompt change more than rules. One listener shared that college theft—and the resulting embarrassment—motivated lifelong tidiness.
    • Quote: “Having to explain to the police that it wasn't ransacked…embarrassed me into tidiness.” [03:15]
• Gift-Giving for Nieces/Nephews:
  • Many listeners empathized with the brother who didn’t want more “stuff,” suggesting direct connection (FaceTime) with nieces, asking them for ideas, or giving experience gifts instead.
  • “She seems very focused on the joy she gets from seeing her brother's kids open their presents... but he's stuck managing all the toys.” – Listener Gina [05:53]
• Post-Wedding Adjustment:
  • The myth of the “honeymoon period” is debunked—many couples struggle the first year, especially after moving in together.
  • “It's a myth that the first year is a honeymoon… the fantasy comes up against the reality, which may be very, very different from what you expect.” – Gretchen [07:43]
• Competitive Friends:
  • Reframing “one-upping” as “topping” helps diminish frustration and fosters empathy for underlying insecurity.
  • “I’m going to always try to see the reason behind the topping. It makes it more acceptable when I remember it's meeting an unmet need for her.” – Sandy [09:01]

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2. Should Visiting Parents Stay With You or at a Hotel?

[09:47–18:46]

The Listener’s Dilemma:

A listener, recently married, lives far from her own parents (who visit), but her husband’s parents live nearby. She treasures maximizing time with her parents when visiting (having them stay in their guest room), but her husband finds their prolonged presence overwhelming and prefers a hotel. She seeks advice on how to approach this with her parents, balancing marital unity and “not feeling rude.”

Hosts’ Reflections & Advice:

• Divided Opinions:
  • Previous guests, Mandy Patinkin and Kathryn Grody, were split: Mandy (introvert) sided with the husband’s need for space; Kathryn, shaped by losing her parents young, emphasized cherishing limited time.
• Respect Both Sides:
  • Lori proposes a compromise—maybe parents stay in the home on weekends, in a hotel for weekdays, making sure the hotel is convenient and enjoyable.
    • “…Start with saying, we love seeing you, but the space can get a little cramped during longer visits. And then tell them how you'll be spending time with them...” – Lori [12:12]
• The Power of “This Is Really Important to Me”:
  • Gretchen suggests sometimes, instead of splitting the difference, the spouse for whom the issue is a true emotional priority should articulate that.
    • “Sometimes in a marriage you can say, I know this isn't your preference, but it's really, really important to me…” – Gretchen [14:35]
• Potential for Resentment:
  • Lori highlights the risk that repeated deference (“compromising so much that you start to feel resentful”) can cause future regret or friction in a young marriage. [17:46]
• Tips for Navigating the Conversation:
  • Discuss the why with the spouse—especially if one partner doesn’t understand the value because their own parents live close.
  • Set clear boundaries: decide the maximum number of days guests can stay before switching to a hotel, plan logistics to keep things comfortable.
  • If needed, time visits around the husband’s travel to minimize impact.

Notable Quotes:

• “You can walk naked into the kitchen all the other nights of the year.” – Gretchen, playfully highlighting the rarity of visits [18:41]
• “It breaks my heart to think about asking the parents to stay somewhere else when the daughter really wants them to stay there, too.” – Lori [15:29]

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3. Poll: Do Holiday Traditions Matter?

[23:07–27:27]

Poll Results:

• 83%: Keeping traditions is important
• 17%: Traditions don’t matter much

Hosts’ Opinions:

• Gretchen:
  • “I really, really feel like I let myself down by not maintaining this [Halloween] tradition.” [23:37]
• Lori:
  • Enjoys flexibility, believes new traditions can be created as family dynamics change.
  • “I'm a big fan of having traditions, having the flexibility to reinvent them, and maintaining some continuity throughout the family.” [24:40]

Listener Voices:

• Traditions as Bonding:
  • “The traditions feel magical. They strengthen bonds with the family.” – Donalyn [25:54]
  • “They reduce decision fatigue because I already know what to plan...” – Ali [26:21]
  • “My son is autistic... rigid traditions actually help him.” – Lenora [26:53]
• Traditions Can Feel Forced:
  • “Working retail through December... If we manage a movie night and some hot cocoa, that's enough.” – Priya [25:11]
  • “Traditions become performative and felt forced.” – Amy [25:05]

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4. Should You Say Something About the Candy Dish at Work?

[27:45–33:51]

The Listener’s Issue:

A department lead struggles with candy temptations from a colleague’s public treat dish, especially since she’s trying to cut sugar and wonders if she should intervene.

Hosts’ Advice:

• Acknowledge Universality:
  • “If you ask people separately, do you think it's a good idea to eat this candy... probably individually, they would say, no... but people will crowd around a candy dish and be really excited.” – Gretchen [28:54]
• Diplomacy & Humor:
  • If speaking to the colleague, make the request light-hearted:
    • “Oh my gosh, I'm not able to get any work done because I just keep thinking about the candy dish. Please save me from myself.” – Gretchen [30:33]
• Avoiding “Dietary Morality Police” Role:
  • Don’t police others’ eating or remove communal treats unless there’s consensus. Instead, suggest alternative locations for the candy, or create neutral social moments.
• Personal Boundaries:
  • Gretchen advocates the abstainer’s approach—commit never to take the candy, so it fades from your mind.
    • “It's when you take it sometimes, when you're considering whether to take it, then it's popping into your mind... Just say, I will never take that candy.” [31:37]
• Different Styles:
  • Lori and Gretchen observe their own moderation/abstinence with Diet Coke and chocolate.

Listener Feedback Request:

• Hosts invite listeners to share how they’ve handled similar situations:
  • “Are you the person with the candy dish? What's your perspective?...We can gain so much from other people's experiences.” – Gretchen [33:51]

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5. Coming Next Week: Handling Changing Team Schedules

[38:05–40:34]

A teaser for an upcoming dilemma:

• Should a sports team change its practice day to accommodate one member's children’s activities when it complicates other members’ schedules?
• “Do I ask the full group to make all of these accommodations for my friend's kids' sports schedules? …Are we going to be following their sports schedules forever?” – Listener Molly [38:05]

The hosts preview the many layers: loyalty, fairness, and group practicality.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Marriage Compromise:
  • “You don't get many of these. You don't often get to say, well, I really care, so I think you should have to do it my way... But sometimes, you really do want to present it to your partner that way.” – Gretchen [15:09]
• On Traditions and Family:
  • “Children don't remember specific gifts, but they do remember decorating cookies in pajamas or walking to see lights after dinner.” – Beth [26:43]
• On Candy Temptation at Work:
  • “You don’t want to be the dietary morality police.” – Laurie [31:09]
• On New Traditions:
  • “Do you think new traditions is an oxymoron?... I often wonder about that.” – Gretchen [24:40]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Listener Updates/Wisdom from Crowd: 02:35–09:33
• Parents Staying Over vs. Hotel Dilemma: 09:47–18:46
• Holiday Traditions Poll: 23:07–27:27
• Office Candy Dish Temptation: 27:45–33:51
• Teaser – Team Sports Practice Scheduling: 38:05–40:34

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Tone & Style

• Empathetic: Both hosts validate different perspectives, focusing on understanding and respect.
• Conversational & Playful: Frequent gentle teasing and asides (example: “You can walk naked into the kitchen all the other nights of the year.”).
• Expert/Personal Blend: Hosts leverage their professional backgrounds and personal stories for relatable wisdom.
• Listener-Inclusive: Constantly asking for audience feedback and encouraging shared community experiences.

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Summary Takeaways

• When negotiating use of home space with family, balance your needs with your partner’s, articulate what matters most to you, and seek creative, flexible compromises.
• Traditions are meaningful for many but can and should evolve as life changes—connection is key, not rigidity.
• In communal spaces like work, be gracious about shared treats; prioritize self-boundaries over enforcing your preferences on others, and use humor to smooth awkward conversations.
• Everyday challenges are rarely black and white; embracing both empathy and honest communication leads to better outcomes for relationships of all kinds.

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For further advice, to share your own stories, or suggest improvements to podcast questions, visit sinceyouaskedpodcast.com.

Transcript

[Gretchen Rubin]

There is one thing that every person on earth has in common. We all move through the world in a human body.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Our bodies ache, they bleed, they desire, they hold the stories of our lives.

[Gretchen Rubin]

International Planned Parenthood Federation, or ippf, is sharing some of those stories from around the world.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Read them [e-mail] everybody.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Hey everybody, it's Hoda Kotb and I would love for you to join me for new episodes of my podcast Making Space. Each week I'm having conversations with authors, actors, speakers and dear friends of mine, folks who are seeking the truth, compassion and self discovery. I promise you will lead these talks stronger and inspired to make space in your own life for growth and change. To start listening, just search Making Space wherever you get your podcasts and and follow for new episodes every Wednesday.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Lemonade.

[Listener with parents visiting issue]

I live across the country from my parents, whereas my husband's parents live about a 10 minute drive away. When I get to see my parents, I offer that they stay in our guest room. However, my husband would rather that they stay in a hotel. How do I approach this subject with my parents?

[Laurie Gottlieb]

You don't want to compromise so so much that you start to feel resentful.

[Gretchen Rubin]

But it is funny because I was remembering the I think and said I want to get up in the middle of the night and go to the fridge naked. And I can't do that if your parents are here.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

But it's only a week. It's not that long. It's not that big of a sacrifice.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, yes, yes. You can walk naked into the kitchen all the other nights of the year.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Exactly.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Hey Lori.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Hey Greg, Gretchen. And hey, since you askers, if you're new to the podcast and new to us, I'm Laurie Gottlieb. I'm a psychotherapist and the author of maybe youe Should Talk to Someone. I also write the Ask the Therapist column for the New York Times.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I'm Gretchen Riven, a writer who studies happiness, good habits, and human nature. I've written several books. For instance, I wrote the Happiness Project. And this is the Since Us podcast where we tackle questions both big and small and give our best advice. And today on since youe Asked, because we shook things up last week by bringing in Mandy Patinkin and Katherine Grody to help us give advice. We have a lot of updates to catch up on before we get into today's new questions.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

So we'll start with the updates and then we've got a question about where someone's parents should stay when they come to visit. What if One person in a couple wants them to stay in the guest room and the other wants them in a hotel. We've got a poll about holiday traditions and. And we'll tackle a question about how to handle a tempting situation involving a colleague at work, but maybe not the kind you're thinking about.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay. Yes. So let's dive into the updates. The first update is related to the listener who wrote in with the all too relatable question about what to do about her annoyance with her teen's messy bedroom. And this is what one of you shared. I had a messy bedroom as a teen. I was an A student, diligent worker on the family farm and people pleaser to a fault. I didn't know it at the time, but this mess had differentiating identity stakes in it. It abruptly changed in college when my rental home was broken into and robbed. Having to explain to the police that it wasn't ransacked, but quote, always looked like this embarrassed me into tidiness.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Okay, that's very funny. That's something we didn't cover with that, the embarrassment angle. When other people see how messy you are.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. You don't think of getting accountability from a police investigation. That's very funny.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah. And Gretchen, we also got some feedback on the question from the listener who wanted her brother to give her a gift list for her nieces before the holidays. And he asked her instead to just get book vouchers and she felt slighted. So Laura said, my opinion is the two girls are old enough to be able to communicate what they would like for Christmas directly to their aunt. She should be asking them directly instead of her brother. After they tell her what they want, she can let her brother know what she is ordering so he can relay that to other family members. Not to buy those things. Right.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So not making the brother the intermediary.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Right.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Zoe wrote, I empathize with her brother. I also have children age 7 and 10, and they too have so much stuff. I find it incredibly stressful to send an itemized list to relatives when they ask what to buy for my children. The kids have everything and there isn't a gift that they would be ecstatic about opening other than an iPad or iPhone, which I would not allow. The biggest gift for me is if my relatives just give my children a gift without needing my input. My specific advice for Leanne is to try to facetime her nieces or call them in order to deepen her relationship with them. It seems like she's not even getting calls or acknowledgments of the gifts she is giving.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

So.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So I don't think that a detailed gift list from her brother would produce different results. Well, this is really interesting because Zoe is giving the perspective of the brother, and she's also pointing out that even if the brother did give the gift list, it might not provoke the circumstance that the aunt is expecting.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Right. We talked last time about how it sounds like what Leann was really wanting was to have a little bit more connection and not feel left out. And. And so I like this idea about trying to facetime with the nieces and try to just have more of a relationship with them and not make it so centered around the gift giving.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It sounds like she has this dream of them jumping up and down, being so excited with the gift that she gave them. And Zoe's saying, that's probably not gonna happen. So, yeah, try to have the relationship that you're seeking.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah. And Gina also empathized with the brother. She said, I would encourage her to put herself in her brother's shoes. She seems very focused on the joy she gets from seeing her brother's kids open their presents. She may get five minutes of joy, but he's stuck managing all the toys. Where to put it, do they have room for it? Will the kids play with it? Where to donate it when the kids don't want it anymore. As a parent of two kids myself, I understand relatives. Please believe us when we say we don't want more stuff. I did hear the aunt say that she gets to see the children once a year. May I suggest planning an experience gift? Then she would get the joy of seeing them. Open the gift card or brochure to the experience she has planned on Christmas. And she would get to see the joy again when she visits and they get to have the experience together.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, that's a great idea.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

That could be a really great solution.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And then maybe you make a photo album of it to be a memento that of a physical object. And finally, Mary had some thoughts on our listener Thessaly's concern about having what might be called the phenomenon of post wedding depression. Mary wrote, my husband and I married 11 years ago. We're both deep introverts. And prior to marriage I had lived alone and he with his parents. And it was hard. We moved into a 400 square foot studio apartment straight after the wedding and our living styles were completely different. He watched TV late into the night, illuminating our whole apartment. And he wore headphones, but it disrupted me. Never being alone was a huge shock to both of us. I Was so desperate to be alone that I asked my job to change my schedule to give me space one day a week. Though my husband is a great guy. I'd honestly say the first year was pretty unpleasant. Eventually we got used to each other, moved out of the studio, have three kids now, and are pretty happy together. It's a myth that the first year is a honeymoon. It's a big transition if you've never lived together. Yeah. The fantasy comes up against the reality, which may be very, very different from what you expect.

[Listener with sports team scheduling issue]

Yeah.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And I'm so glad that Thessaly wrote in with this because it seems like a lot of people experience the first year as really hard. And that's not how we think about it. We think it's supposed to be newlywed bliss, and I hope it's encouraging to people to hear that. It does take some adjustment for many people.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And we heard back from Sandy, who asked for advice about the friend who always one ups her in conversation. If you want to listen to her question and our discussion about that again, you can listen to it in episode six. And here's the update we got from Sandy.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Hi, Gretchen and Laurie. This is Sandy, the girl who submitted the question about the friend who one ups her. Just reframing it to tops me made me chuckle and it helped me see.

[Listener with sports team scheduling issue]

It a little bit more clearly.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

I'm pretty sure this comes from a sense of insecurity versus wanting to put me down or wanting to win. And your suggestions about keeping my sense.

[Listener with sports team scheduling issue]

Of humor, not taking the bait, and.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Using gentle honesty, that's the hard part. Are pretty helpful. Part empathy and part boundary setting for my plan. I'm going to always try to see the reason behind the topping. It makes it more acceptable when I remember it's meeting an unmet need for her. And then use some humor to deflect it.

[Listener with sports team scheduling issue]

I'm pretty good at that.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Thanks for your help. You two always make good sense.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, that's great to hear that she realizes where it's coming from in her friend. It isn't a desire to win. It's coming from a place of insecurity. And that a little humor and a.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Little empathy and a few boundaries in there too. Yeah.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Is gonna help preserve the friendship, which is really great.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah. I'd love to get an update from Sandy to see how some of this is working after she gives it a try.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Absolute.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

All right, so now we're going to move on to today's advice. This is a question that we posed at the end of last episode. And because we were talking with Mandy Patinkin and Katherine Grody. They already weighed in on this and we're going to tackle it today. It goes like this.

[Listener with parents visiting issue]

Hi, Laurie and Gretchen. I need some advice regarding boundaries with my parents. I recently got married and I live across the country from my parents, whereas my husband's parents live about a 10 minute drive away from us, which is great. When I get to see my parents, they typically will fly down to visit us. And when they do, I offer that they stay in our guest room since we have the extra space. And I want to maximize the time that I get to spend with them because I know they miss me and I really do miss them. So I always want to have as much time with them as possible. I'm still in my 20s, so they are recent empty nesters. However, my husband has expressed that it can be a lot when they stay for more than a long weekend and it can be overwhelming having them in such close quarters, which I completely understand. And I do feel what he feels. But for me, it's the kind of thing that I'm willing to put up with because it means I get to have this valuable time with my family. But I do want to be respectful of how my husband feels and I know that he would rather that they stay in a hotel. And if it's going to be a certain length of a stay, how do I approach the subject with my parents when they're planning their next visit to come see us? It feels rude to ask that they stay in a hotel. But at the end of the day, I do want to be on the same page and approach this issue as a team with my husband. But I'm just having trouble taking that step and communicating what I need to. Thank you.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So, reminder of what Mandy and Catherine said. So they split on this question. Mandy really empathized with the husband, saying that as an introvert, he really understood the need for privacy and space and thought it was reasonable to ask the parents to stay at a hotel. But Catherine, she emphasized more with the wife and one of the things she said was that she had lost her parents when she was in her 20s. And so to her, she thought, well, the husband's parents live nearby, so they're around all the time. And the listener has limited time with her parents. So this is a really important opportunity for them to be together. So they had different views on this. Laurie, what do you think?

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Well, it's interesting because the letter writer is asking, how do I talk to my parents about this? But it sounds like she's not really on board with it. And I agree with Katherine that it's important to spend time with your parents, especially if you don't get to see them very much. But I also hear her saying, I want to be respectful of my husband and his needs. So I wonder if there's a solution that could respect both of their needs. Could the parents stay at the house for the weekend and then go to a nearby Airbnb or hotel for the weekdays? And maybe that's easier to explain to the parents than to say, hey, you can't stay here at all. And what you can say to the parents is start with saying, we love seeing you, but the space can get a little cramped during longer visits. And then tell them how you'll be spending time with them, go through all the ways that you'll see them and really be spending quality time together. And acknowledge that it's an adjustment, but that it gives everybody a little more downtime so that you can enjoy each other more. And you wanna make sure that you set them up in a place where they're comfortable. Can they walk to things? Do they have restaurants or places they can get food? Is there something fun they can do near where they are so they don't feel like they've been banished somewhere? But maybe they're having fun and then they're also gonna have fun when they're with you.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That is very sound advice. And that's what the listener really is asking for, which is, how do I present this to my parents? But I really want to go back to her desire to have her parents stay with her. And I have to come clean and say, I exactly identify with this listener. I am in exactly the same position. My in laws live right around the corner from us. You don't even cross the street. They live right around the corner. So we see them in and out often. But my parents live in Kansas City, so they are a flight away. And my husband is a guy who really loves his space. And years ago I said to Jamie, this is really important to me. It isn't the same to have a visit if you're not staying under the same roof. And I have to say that when we were first married, when my parents could have been staying comfortably in a hotel, my mother slept on a little tiny daybed and my father slept on a blow up mattress in the living room because it was really important for us all to stay together. And I will say that my parents make it easier. They're very undemanding, they're very self. Sufficient. And if I said it would be easier for us if you stayed in a hotel, they would absolutely do that. But the thing is, it really is important to me because it isn't the same. And so I think it's really admirable that the listener wants to listen to her husband and to accommodate his desires. And I think your suggestion for how to frame it is really terrific. But I do think that sometimes in a marriage you can say, I know this isn't your preference, but it's really, really important to me, and talk about it in those terms instead of saying, we're gonna have to compromise. It's not about the parents. Because if you say, well, my parents prefer it, or my parents are just as comfortable, then you could argue about that. But this is what I want. I want my parents to stay under my roof. And the thing is, this really does go to this value of strong family bonds, which for many people is a really, really high value.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

And.

[Gretchen Rubin]

But the thing is, you don't get many of these. You don't often get to say, well, I really care. So I think you should have to do it my way, because that's not very good for a relationship. But sometimes you really do want to present it to your partner that way and give them an opportunity to say, this isn't exactly the way I would set things up, but I see that this is really important to you.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah. And it breaks my heart to think about asking the parents to say somewhere else when the daughter really wants them to stay there too. It's not. We both agree that it would be better if they stayed somewhere else. She's saying, it's really important to me. I really value this time. And maybe the husband doesn't fully appreciate that because his parents are right around the corner.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Exactly.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Maybe he just doesn't understand that this is such a rare opportunity to spend time with the parents. And maybe it's a little bit inconvenient and it's a little cramped, but. But it's so infrequent, and they don't really have that opportunity that he has with his own parents. And maybe she needs to really highlight that for him. So what is our advice? I think we both agree that staying in the house should take precedence here. But if that's just not going to work, she should be specific with her husband about the maximum number of days for the parents to stay in the guest room. What is the absolute max? Is it three days, four days?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And then maybe then they find another accommodation. And when you do, you Find a place nearby where they can stay, let's say during the week that the parents don't have to do any logistical work. Make sure that you arrange it, that they have transportation, places to eat or to get food. Make sure they're comfortable, they have things nearby that they might enjoy. And then plan a lot of coffee, quality time with them, and communicate what these plans are so they don't feel pushed aside or rejected.

[Gretchen Rubin]

The thing about having somebody stay under the roof versus having them stay somewhere else is the making plans. Then you're just, let's make a plan and let's do this plan. And even if the plan is you'll come over for brunch and it's not hanging out, it's not being together and everybody doing their own thing under the same roof. So have the conversation with your husband about why it is important to you and why it might feel different to you, as you pointed out, than to somebody who has their parents right around their corner all the time. One thing that you could do is maybe you try to schedule your parents visit when your husband's gonna be away on a business trip or away for some reason, for part of it so that they get to see him and spend time together, but then they can stay longer and he's doing his own thing anyway. It's an opportunity to accommodate with love.

[Listener with parents visiting issue]

Absolutely.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And also, it sounds like this is a young marriage and there may be a time later when she feels really resentful that they did it this way. And you don't want that to happen. You don't want to compromise so much that you start to feel resentful when something, as you said, you only get so many of these, and if this is one of them, then now's the time to say, hey, this is something where I want to put my stake in the ground because this is really important to me. And I am going to regret later not having had the spontaneous just hanging out time with my parents because we don't live in the same city. And planning going to brunch or planning going to dinner feels really different from just having them be in the living room or chatting in the kitchen.

[Gretchen Rubin]

But it is funny because I was remembering the end of the Pink and saying, I want to get up in the middle of the night and go to the fridge naked. And I can't do that if your parents are here.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

But it's only a week. It's not that long. It's not that big of a sacrifice.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, yes, yes. You can walk naked into the kitchen. All the other nights of the year.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Exactly.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, Sesioskers, we wanna know. What do you think? Have you been in a situation like this? What did you do? What do you think of the basic situation? The listener did say, what is the language that I should use to talk to my parents? So we should acknowledge that was the real question. Let us know what we missed at the since youe Askpodcast.com and coming up, we asked about how since you Askers feel about holiday traditions, and we will share your answers after the break. Have you noticed changes in your sleep, mood cycle or sex drive and wondered if it's more than stress? You're not alone. Nearly every woman experiences symptoms tied to hormone changes, yet not many obgyns are trained to address it. That means too many of us go without real answers. That's why you need hers.

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[Laurie Gottlieb]

If prescribed, you'll have access to a wide variety of clinically prescribed treatment kits, including pills, patches and creams, all tailored to your unique needs. You'll also get continuous support through the HERS app with guidance for sleep, nutrition and exercise, plus unlimited messaging with your care team at no extra cost.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It should be simpler to access healthcare built around you and your unique needs. Whether you want to manage perimenopause or menopause symptoms, lose weight, grow thicker hair, or find relief for anxiety. Hers has women covered visitors f o r h e-r s.com since you asked to get a personalized perimenopause treatment that's right for you, that's F o r h E-R-S.com since you asked. Not available in all 50 states. Perimenopause and menopause by hers includes hormonal health support, educational resources, digital tools and prescription oftens if appropriate. Hormone replacement therapies are not FDA approved for the treatment of perimenopause, but may be prescribed off label for perimenopausal symptoms at a provider's discretion. See website for full details, important safety information and restrictions.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

This episode is sponsored by Notion Gretchen. You know how sometimes you wish there were two of you to get everything done every week.

[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Laurie Gottlieb]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

Try Notion now with [e-mail] since you asked. That's all lowercase letters notion.com since you asked to try your new AI teammate notion agent today. And when you use our link, you're supporting our show. This episode is sponsored by Fearless Finance. Talking about money can feel intimidating. Whether it's trying to plan ahead, figure out what you can afford, or just make sense of where it all goes each month. It's easy to feel stuck.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Laurie Gottlieb]

And we're back with a since you asked favorite segment, the Wisdom of crowds, which is when we put out a poll on our socials and we ask you a question. And this week we asked how do you feel about maintaining holiday traditions in your family? 83% of you said, it's important for me to maintain holiday traditions. And 17% of you said, I don't care much about maintaining holiday traditions. So, Gretchen, how are you feeling about holiday traditions?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, to me, it's really, really important to maintain holiday traditions. And I was devastated recently because I've been traveling so much. I couldn't put out our big display of Halloween decorations. It's haunting me, appropriately for Halloween, that I didn't do it. I really, really feel like I let myself down by not maintaining this tradition. So for me, it really, really is important. Though I have to say, it's not so important that I didn't allow it to slide in this busy time. How about you, Laurie?

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah, I love holiday traditions, but I think they were more important when my son was younger. And it's different when the kids aren't in the house. It feels different. So I like acknowledging the holidays, but maybe it's time to come up with some new traditions. I don't think that's sad. I actually think it's fun because you get to say, okay, how do we reinvent this holiday so we can create some new traditions? And then later on, maybe they'll do the traditions that they did growing up, and then they'll transition into new traditions. So I'm a big fan of having traditions, having the flexibility to reinvent them, and maintaining some continuity throughout the family.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Do you think new traditions is an oxymoron? Does that count as an oxymoron? I often wonder about that.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Probably it is. Yeah. All right, so from team no, here's what you had to say. Tree said, we used to do everything. Matching pajamas, carols, et cetera. Then one year, we skipped almost everything, and it was the first time I didn't feel exhausted by January. Now I skip most of it, and I'm happier.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Mm. Amy said, for me, traditions become performative and felt forced.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And Priya said, working retail through December changes your perspective. I'm too tired to bake 12 kinds of cookies. If we manage a movie night and some hot cocoa, that's enough.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That's great. Set the bar where you want it to be.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Realistic expectations.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, yes. And then finally, Jules notes, I grew up in foster care, so I never had any traditions as an adult. I still don't. I like the freedom of the holidays, meaning nothing unless I decide they do. Interesting.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah. I think that we're told so much about how we're supposed to celebrate the holidays and what the traditions are supposed to look like. So I like the idea of having agency of, here's how I'm going to have my relationship with the holidays.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And then from team yes, Donalyn said, the traditions feel magical. They strengthen bonds with the family. Well, she's exactly right. The research shows that traditions do help strengthen bonds within families. So that's true.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Right. And Carlo said, my family is scattered across three countries now, but we all face time to decorate the tree at the same time. It's a silly little thing, but it keeps us connected. So I vote yes. And again, that's about strengthening family bonds.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That's so lovely. Ali says they reduce decision fatigue because I already know what to plan to mark this special day. That is true. Even if you know the exact place that a decoration is going to go, it's such a relief to lower the decision fatigue.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

Yes.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

That was so easy when my son was little. And every year I knew where all the holiday decorations were. I knew exactly what was going to happen. It was very predictable. And he was thrilled every time.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And Beth said, honestly, the traditions are how children mark time. They don't remember specific gifts, but they do remember decorating cookies in pajamas or walking to see lights after dinner.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, that's exactly the point you are making, Laurie. Children love the consistency and the predictability of it. Lenora said, my son is autistic and needs things to stay predictable. So rigid traditions actually help him. We keep the same routine every year because surprises are what throw him off. So the traditions are really helpful for him. That's great to hear.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah. And Marco said, my husband's Jewish, I'm Colombian, so our holidays are this chaotic mashup of menorahs and empanadas. It's not traditional, but it's very us. And that's what we were talking about, with the flexibility to make it the way you want it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It's very us. It goes right to your family identity. That's so wonderful. We love hearing from everyone. And since these are so popular, we will be posting more polls. So watch out for those in social media and weigh in on our questions.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And now we're on to our next advice question. It comes from a listener who wanted to remain anonymous. And it's about a tempting situation involving a colleague at work. Now, this is a situation that comes up all the time. Maybe not this specifically, but these kinds of situations at work. And our listener wrote, I am writing for advice on how to deal with an unhealthy work environment. I have a colleague who uses her mail out box as a public candy dish. I find it tempting to pass by it every day and manage to not indulge. I am working to cut sugar for my diet inspired by Gretchen, but it's difficult to See it in plain eyesight several times a day. I'm a lead in the department and feel like I should say something, but I know loads of people enjoy it. Is it my role to crush office candy dreams? Thanks and keep up the great work. Love the new podcast.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, this comes up all the time.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

It's funny because when we hear unhealthy work environment, my mind immediately went to some kind of bad behavior. Someone who yells or takes credit for your ideas or is undermining or abrasive. So this was a little bit unexpected, but also something that feels incredibly common.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, it's a tough situation because if you ask people separately, do you think it's a good idea to eat this candy and to have this candy around, probably individually, they would say, no, it's not a good idea. I really don't want the candy there. And yet the fact is people will crowd around a candy dish and be really excited about the candy or the donuts or whatever, because some people really love having these sweet treats around. And if you're the person who has them on your desk, you feel like everyone's really excited to get them.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Right. And some people might say, well, you don't have to partake, but if you look at the research on snacking habits, so much about the time of day, are you having a reaction to boredom? Do you need a dopamine hit? And even if you aren't thinking about it, we're primed to take it anyway. You are not thinking, I'm hungry, or I need a snack, or I need something to boost my energy. And yet there's the candy. And all of a sudden you can't resist. And so I think that we have to have some empathy for how hard it can be for people who are trying not to have that right in front of them.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Mm. But the fact is here, some people want the candy dish there and some people don't. And I think this person's saying, well, I'm a lead, so should I step in in some way? It's hard because some people are gonna enthusiastically embrace the candy dish, and it's this person's decision to put it on her desk.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Right. And again, what do you do when some people really like it and some people don't? So what is our advice? There might be a way to let her know what the issue might be for some people, even though some people like it, and maybe continue to make the candy available to coworkers. But could you leave it in publicly visible place so that those who want it know where to find it, but those who don't won't have to see it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

If you do ask that, I think it might be better to present it in a joking way. Something like, oh, my gosh, I'm not able to get any work done because I just keep thinking about the candy dish. Please save me from myself. Put it out of sight. I can't walk by it several times a day and resist it. Because I think if you ask earnestly, it might actually really be annoying to the person. But if you ask in a joking way and just saying, I have trouble resisting it, then the person can lightheartedly say, okay, well, I'll put it out of sight. I'll put it around the corner so you can't see it unless you come get it. That might be an easier way to manage that conversation.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah, absolutely. You don't wanna be the dietary morality police. But I also think one thing that the candy does is it creates some kind of informal social moment for people. It's kind of like the water cooler. It's a place where you can chat with people for a second, and some people might really enjoy that. So I wonder if, in addition, there's another way to create an informal social situation that maybe doesn't involve candy. And I don't know what their office is like, but people can get really creative with that.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Listeners, if you have good suggestions, please let us know. And also, I would add this just in terms of managing yourself. Let's say there's nothing that you can do about what the person does, but you're just thinking about managing yourself. One reason that I gave up sugar in the first place is because once I gave up sugar, this candy dish no longer registers with me. Truly, it just fades from view. This is something I write about in Life and Five Senses. Even if you don't want to give up sugar altogether, which a lot of people don't want to give up sugar altogether, you could just make a rule for yourself. I'm never going to eat the candy from the candy dish. Never. Not once. I will never take the candy from the candy dish. Because then the decision fatigue is lessened. It's when you take it. Sometimes when you're considering whether to take it, then it's popping into your mind and you're getting reminded, ooh, there's the candy. And just say, I will never take that candy. And that might make it easier for you. Now, as the lead, you still have responsibility for, well, what's the best for us as a group, but just for you as an individual that might make the situation easier.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

You know, that's so true. So two of the differences between the two of us, Gretchen, that we talk about a lot is you drink Diet Coke all the time. And I gave up Diet Coke. So for me it's never drink the Diet Coke. And the one time that I'm tempted is when I'm on an airplane because I see people drinking Diet Coke and then I hear it being poured and I hear the crack, crackling of the ice and I'm really tempted. But my rule is never take the Diet Coke. So I think that that's really effective. On the other hand, I love chocolate and I eat it several times a day. And you don't eat sugar. So everybody has their thing. And I think when you find a way to manage it for yourself like you were suggesting, it can be really helpful no matter what's happening in your environment.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And I will say that there are moderators and abstainers, and abstainers have a strong temptation. It's easier for them to give it up altogether, like us, you with the Diet Coke and me with sugar. But then there are moderators who do better when they have something a little bit or have it sometimes. And so you might also want to think about that maybe one a day is the better choice for you. Partly it's what you do as an office, but then partly it's what can you do just to manage your own response? As we've said, this is something that comes up all the time. Let us know. How have you handled it? Are you the person with the candy dish? What's your perspective? I think that there's so much that we can gain from other people's experiences.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And if you've been in a similar situation, because offices are these communal spaces where there's so much that you have to navigate what's good for the community, what's good for the individual. And so many things happen in offices. So if you've had any experiences that you want to share and tell us how you manage them, we'd love to hear [e-mail].

[Gretchen Rubin]

And after the break, we will share the advice question to ponder for next week. But first, this advertisement Heisman.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

This episode is sponsored by Career Fingerprint. When it comes time for a performance review or interview, most people forget half of what they have accomplished. You know you have done great work, but when you're in the moment, it can be hard to recall the details.

[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

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Read just a few of them [e-mail] everybody.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

Well, hi everybody, it's Julia Louis Dreyfus from the Wiser Than Me podcast. And I'm not gonna talk about food waste this time. I'm gonna talk about food resources. All that uneaten food rotting in the landfill. It could be enriching our soil or feeding our chickens because it's still food. And the easiest and frankly, way coolest way to put all its nutrients to work is with the mill food recycler. It looks like an art house garbage can. You can just toss your scraps in it like a garbage can. Put but it is definitely not a garbage can. I mean, it's true. I'm pretty obsessed with this thing. I even invested in this thing. But I'm not alone. Any mill owner just might corner you at a party and rhapsodize about how it's completely odorless and it's fully automated and how you can keep filling it for weeks. But the clincher is that you can depend on it for years. Mill is a serious machine that think about a dishwasher, not a toaster. It's built by hand in North America and it's engineered by the guy who did your iPhone. But you have to kind of live with mill to understand all the love. That's why they offer a risk free trial. Go to mill.com wiser for an exclusive offer.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And we're back.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And until next time, here's some advice we want you to think about. We will be discussing this dilemma next week, but if you have thoughts, please share them with us at the since you askpodcast.com this letter is from Molly and here is her question hey there.

[Listener with sports team scheduling issue]

I've got a bit of a conundrum and I'm hoping you guys can help. A few years ago a good friend and I started a recreational sports team team. We put together a great group of about 10 women who are in similar life stages and everybody gets along fantastically. I think as a group, everybody on the team would love to continue doing this for many, many years to come. At the end of last year, however, my friend let us know that unless we switched the night of our practice, she probably couldn't continue to participate due to the sports schedules of her two elementary school children who are incredibly talented and athletic. I kind of thought she would back down, but at one point she actually said something like, well, how are you going to choose between me and them? We did an initial poll of the team to see if a date shift would be possible and the results were kind of mixed. For some it was no problem at all and for others it was doable but kind of complicated due to shifting childcare needs or work schedules or spousal work schedules. If we switch days, we'd also likely lose our coach who's very popular with the group. So that was a concern. I'm kind of at a loss for how to proceed. Do I ask the full group to make all of these accommodations for my friend's kids sports schedules and if so, what happens next year if the kids sports interests change right and they want to try something new that has a different night commitment? Are we going to be following their sports schedules forever? I really don't want my friend to leave the team, but I also want to recognize the busy and complicated schedules of everybody else in the group as well. The question really is more around whether this is reasonable of her to ask. Is it fair to have these other nine women, each with families and conflicts and work schedules of their own, make all of the adjustments so that she can continue to attend 100% of her son's baseball games. How would you proceed with navigating these scheduled conflicts?

[Gretchen Rubin]

What an interesting question.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah, it's got so many layers around friendship and loyalty and who has a more complicated situation that you need to.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Accommodate and who has a claim has the primary claim, right? There's a lot going on.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah. I'm really excited to discuss this letter and again, we want to hear your thoughts. That is it for today.

[Gretchen Rubin]

The holidays are coming up and with the holidays comes many dilemmas. So send us your questions about the holidays. But of course, we want to hear any question that you would like to pose, big or small. So submit your question question to the since you ask podcast.com you can follow each of us on our social media accounts or you can check the show notes.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And if you enjoy since you asked, the best way to support the show is by word of mouth. Follow it, rate it, and of course, be sure to tell your friends about it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Absolutely. And remember whether this podcast changes your life or just makes you laugh. We're glad you're here.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Since you asked is for entertainment purposes only and isn't a substitute for professional advice. By sending us your question, you're agreeing.

[Listener with sports team scheduling issue]

We may use it on the show.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And edit it for length or clarity.