Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb & Gretchen Rubin

Episode: Should Parents Stay at Your Place or a Hotel? Plus: Temptation in the Office
Date: November 11, 2025
Podcast by Lemonada Media

Overview

This episode centers on classic real-life dilemmas submitted by listeners:

• How should a newly married couple handle the question of whether visiting parents should stay in their home or get a hotel?
• How can someone handle constant candy temptations at work?

The hosts, therapist Lori Gottlieb and happiness researcher Gretchen Rubin, share practical advice and empathetic insights, drawing also from listener feedback and polling, and discuss themes of boundary-setting, compromise, and the importance of rituals.

Main Topics

1. Listener Updates and Wisdom from the Crowd

[02:35–09:33]

Recent Listener Questions Revisited:

• Teenager’s Messy Bedroom:
  • Embarrassment can prompt change more than rules. One listener shared that college theft—and the resulting embarrassment—motivated lifelong tidiness.
    • Quote: “Having to explain to the police that it wasn't ransacked…embarrassed me into tidiness.” [03:15]
• Gift-Giving for Nieces/Nephews:
  • Many listeners empathized with the brother who didn’t want more “stuff,” suggesting direct connection (FaceTime) with nieces, asking them for ideas, or giving experience gifts instead.
  • “She seems very focused on the joy she gets from seeing her brother's kids open their presents... but he's stuck managing all the toys.” – Listener Gina [05:53]
• Post-Wedding Adjustment:
  • The myth of the “honeymoon period” is debunked—many couples struggle the first year, especially after moving in together.
  • “It's a myth that the first year is a honeymoon… the fantasy comes up against the reality, which may be very, very different from what you expect.” – Gretchen [07:43]
• Competitive Friends:
  • Reframing “one-upping” as “topping” helps diminish frustration and fosters empathy for underlying insecurity.
  • “I’m going to always try to see the reason behind the topping. It makes it more acceptable when I remember it's meeting an unmet need for her.” – Sandy [09:01]

2. Should Visiting Parents Stay With You or at a Hotel?

[09:47–18:46]

The Listener’s Dilemma:

A listener, recently married, lives far from her own parents (who visit), but her husband’s parents live nearby. She treasures maximizing time with her parents when visiting (having them stay in their guest room), but her husband finds their prolonged presence overwhelming and prefers a hotel. She seeks advice on how to approach this with her parents, balancing marital unity and “not feeling rude.”

Hosts’ Reflections & Advice:

• Divided Opinions:
  • Previous guests, Mandy Patinkin and Kathryn Grody, were split: Mandy (introvert) sided with the husband’s need for space; Kathryn, shaped by losing her parents young, emphasized cherishing limited time.
• Respect Both Sides:
  • Lori proposes a compromise—maybe parents stay in the home on weekends, in a hotel for weekdays, making sure the hotel is convenient and enjoyable.
    • “…Start with saying, we love seeing you, but the space can get a little cramped during longer visits. And then tell them how you'll be spending time with them...” – Lori [12:12]
• The Power of “This Is Really Important to Me”:
  • Gretchen suggests sometimes, instead of splitting the difference, the spouse for whom the issue is a true emotional priority should articulate that.
    • “Sometimes in a marriage you can say, I know this isn't your preference, but it's really, really important to me…” – Gretchen [14:35]
• Potential for Resentment:
  • Lori highlights the risk that repeated deference (“compromising so much that you start to feel resentful”) can cause future regret or friction in a young marriage. [17:46]
• Tips for Navigating the Conversation:
  • Discuss the why with the spouse—especially if one partner doesn’t understand the value because their own parents live close.
  • Set clear boundaries: decide the maximum number of days guests can stay before switching to a hotel, plan logistics to keep things comfortable.
  • If needed, time visits around the husband’s travel to minimize impact.

Notable Quotes:

• “You can walk naked into the kitchen all the other nights of the year.” – Gretchen, playfully highlighting the rarity of visits [18:41]
• “It breaks my heart to think about asking the parents to stay somewhere else when the daughter really wants them to stay there, too.” – Lori [15:29]

3. Poll: Do Holiday Traditions Matter?

[23:07–27:27]

Poll Results:

• 83%: Keeping traditions is important
• 17%: Traditions don’t matter much

Hosts’ Opinions:

• Gretchen:
  • “I really, really feel like I let myself down by not maintaining this [Halloween] tradition.” [23:37]
• Lori:
  • Enjoys flexibility, believes new traditions can be created as family dynamics change.
  • “I'm a big fan of having traditions, having the flexibility to reinvent them, and maintaining some continuity throughout the family.” [24:40]

Listener Voices:

• Traditions as Bonding:
  • “The traditions feel magical. They strengthen bonds with the family.” – Donalyn [25:54]
  • “They reduce decision fatigue because I already know what to plan...” – Ali [26:21]
  • “My son is autistic... rigid traditions actually help him.” – Lenora [26:53]
• Traditions Can Feel Forced:
  • “Working retail through December... If we manage a movie night and some hot cocoa, that's enough.” – Priya [25:11]
  • “Traditions become performative and felt forced.” – Amy [25:05]

4. Should You Say Something About the Candy Dish at Work?

[27:45–33:51]

The Listener’s Issue:

A department lead struggles with candy temptations from a colleague’s public treat dish, especially since she’s trying to cut sugar and wonders if she should intervene.

Hosts’ Advice:

• Acknowledge Universality:
  • “If you ask people separately, do you think it's a good idea to eat this candy... probably individually, they would say, no... but people will crowd around a candy dish and be really excited.” – Gretchen [28:54]
• Diplomacy & Humor:
  • If speaking to the colleague, make the request light-hearted:
    • “Oh my gosh, I'm not able to get any work done because I just keep thinking about the candy dish. Please save me from myself.” – Gretchen [30:33]
• Avoiding “Dietary Morality Police” Role:
  • Don’t police others’ eating or remove communal treats unless there’s consensus. Instead, suggest alternative locations for the candy, or create neutral social moments.
• Personal Boundaries:
  • Gretchen advocates the abstainer’s approach—commit never to take the candy, so it fades from your mind.
    • “It's when you take it sometimes, when you're considering whether to take it, then it's popping into your mind... Just say, I will never take that candy.” [31:37]
• Different Styles:
  • Lori and Gretchen observe their own moderation/abstinence with Diet Coke and chocolate.

Listener Feedback Request:

• Hosts invite listeners to share how they’ve handled similar situations:
  • “Are you the person with the candy dish? What's your perspective?...We can gain so much from other people's experiences.” – Gretchen [33:51]

5. Coming Next Week: Handling Changing Team Schedules

[38:05–40:34]

A teaser for an upcoming dilemma:

• Should a sports team change its practice day to accommodate one member's children’s activities when it complicates other members’ schedules?
• “Do I ask the full group to make all of these accommodations for my friend's kids' sports schedules? …Are we going to be following their sports schedules forever?” – Listener Molly [38:05]

The hosts preview the many layers: loyalty, fairness, and group practicality.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Marriage Compromise:
  • “You don't get many of these. You don't often get to say, well, I really care, so I think you should have to do it my way... But sometimes, you really do want to present it to your partner that way.” – Gretchen [15:09]
• On Traditions and Family:
  • “Children don't remember specific gifts, but they do remember decorating cookies in pajamas or walking to see lights after dinner.” – Beth [26:43]
• On Candy Temptation at Work:
  • “You don’t want to be the dietary morality police.” – Laurie [31:09]
• On New Traditions:
  • “Do you think new traditions is an oxymoron?... I often wonder about that.” – Gretchen [24:40]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Listener Updates/Wisdom from Crowd: 02:35–09:33
• Parents Staying Over vs. Hotel Dilemma: 09:47–18:46
• Holiday Traditions Poll: 23:07–27:27
• Office Candy Dish Temptation: 27:45–33:51
• Teaser – Team Sports Practice Scheduling: 38:05–40:34

Tone & Style

• Empathetic: Both hosts validate different perspectives, focusing on understanding and respect.
• Conversational & Playful: Frequent gentle teasing and asides (example: “You can walk naked into the kitchen all the other nights of the year.”).
• Expert/Personal Blend: Hosts leverage their professional backgrounds and personal stories for relatable wisdom.
• Listener-Inclusive: Constantly asking for audience feedback and encouraging shared community experiences.

Summary Takeaways

• When negotiating use of home space with family, balance your needs with your partner’s, articulate what matters most to you, and seek creative, flexible compromises.
• Traditions are meaningful for many but can and should evolve as life changes—connection is key, not rigidity.
• In communal spaces like work, be gracious about shared treats; prioritize self-boundaries over enforcing your preferences on others, and use humor to smooth awkward conversations.
• Everyday challenges are rarely black and white; embracing both empathy and honest communication leads to better outcomes for relationships of all kinds.

For further advice, to share your own stories, or suggest improvements to podcast questions, visit sinceyouaskedpodcast.com.