Should You Call Out an Awkward Problem? Plus: Did We Follow Our Own Advice?

Summary

Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb & Gretchen Rubin

Episode: Should You Call Out an Awkward Problem? Plus: Did We Follow Our Own Advice?
Date: January 20, 2026
Podcast Host: Lemonada Media

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Episode Overview

This lively and candid episode kicks off Season Two of "Since You Asked," with therapists and advice experts Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin diving deep into one of the most delicate and universally relatable topics—how to compassionately address an awkward personal issue, specifically: telling a loved one they have bad breath. The hosts also reflect on holiday advice—whether they follow it themselves—and share listener responses to memorable dilemmas from last season.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Grief and Season Two’s New Beginning

• Gretchen opens up about the recent loss of her father and how it has shifted her personal outlook.
  • [01:31] “I have sad news that my beloved father died. Our family was with him right at the end, which was a huge comfort to us.” — Gretchen Rubin
• Lori highlights the universality and complexities of grief, inviting listeners to share their own experiences.
• Both promise an upcoming, dedicated episode on dealing with loss.
  • “Loss is universal. We all experience loss, but it’s also so personal..." — Lori Gottlieb [02:13]

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2. Listener Mailbag – Updates on Past Dilemmas

• The hosts revisit three listener questions from Season One that generated the most discussion:
  • Most life-changing advice received. Listeners’ stories and wisdom will continue to be featured in future episodes.
  • How to deal with a difficult friend in public settings.
  • Experiencing post-wedding blues—and how positive events may still produce post-event sadness.
    • “Sometimes there is this period of melancholy or disappointment or blues that comes after [good events].” — Gretchen Rubin [04:33]

Listener follow-up highlights:

• Monthly Gatherings: Consensus from listeners supports not changing group plans for one person’s schedule. [05:13]

• Botox Honesty: A listener shares that her friend dismissed her comment, and reinforces positive reinforcement over criticism. [05:52]

• Gift-Giving Aunts: Tangible vs. experience gifts spark frustration—and creative solutions, like gift cards or experience memberships, gain traction. [06:46]

  “I think people need to remember that the gift is for the recipient.” — Lori Gottlieb [08:11]

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3. Main Dilemma: Should You Tell Someone About Bad Breath?

Listener Question from Ciara

[10:15]

• Ciara describes her close bond with her mom, but is distressed by her mother’s chronic bad breath and wants advice on broaching the subject compassionately.

Lori & Gretchen’s Insights

• Acknowledging the Awkwardness:

  • "There is something special about smell. It’s so intimate, it’s so sensitive." — Gretchen Rubin [11:08]

• Why It’s Important:

  • Not just about daughter/mother comfort—bad breath can affect all close relationships, and could indicate a deeper medical issue.
    • "This could also be a sign of a serious medical issue, especially if she takes care of her teeth." — Lori Gottlieb [11:30]

• Navigating the Conversation:

  • Frame feedback as coming from love, not criticism.
  • Use “I” statements, not direct accusations.
    • “We're so close, so I feel comfortable telling you something that is happening between us.” — Lori Gottlieb [12:40]
  • Acknowledge that the daughter would want to know, too, if the roles were reversed.
  • Normalize the issue—remind her it may be medical or medication-related, and not a hygiene failure.
    • "Bad breath can be medical or medication-related. It's not a hygiene failure." — Lori Gottlieb [14:15]
  • Choose the right moment, preferably not just before parting ways.

• Striking the Right Tone:

  • Deliver the message with lightness and avoid shaming language.
    • “You do want it to feel very loving... can you try to make it feel lighthearted, or not to strike that shameful tone?” — Gretchen Rubin [13:33]

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4. Wisdom of Crowds: Who Should Deliver Difficult Truths?

[20:05]

• By coincidence, their recent social media poll mirrored Ciara’s dilemma: who would you want to tell you about a personal issue, a family member or a close friend?
  • Results: 67% would want a family member, 33% a friend.

Listener Quotes

• Amy Gray: "If a painful truth comes from a close friend and we stick together as friends after a painful truth is spoken, it means their intentions are pure." [21:25]
• Christine: “I’m the person who will tell you that painful truth. I may do it subtly and suggest that they get a mint or some gum.” [21:40]
• Laura: “I would want to be told, but be discreet and be kind.” [21:56]
• Kristy: "There is such a difference between benevolent and brutal honesty." [22:13]
• Marcie: “I'd like to think that it would result in a stronger friendship or relationship. Knowing our flaws…can help us build understanding and empathy." [22:19]
• Susie: “I’d prefer no one makes me too uncomfortable.” [22:45]
• Nicole: "Either and both should care enough and do the best they can to tell them in a way not to hurt them." [23:08]

Takeaway

• Kindness and good intent trump everything, but timing and delivery make all the difference.
  • “Benevolent honesty instead of brutal honesty.” — Lori Gottlieb [23:09]

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5. Applying (or Ignoring) Good Advice During the Holidays

[28:30]

Hosts Reflect on Their Own Advice

• Gretchen’s Experience

  • Uses a friend’s advice: “Let it unfold” while grieving—no expectations, just acceptance.
    • “[I was told] just let it unfold…experiencing what I was experiencing and don’t judge it.” — Gretchen Rubin [29:23]
  • Lets go of sending holiday cards after much soul-searching—a tradition she admits wasn’t serving her.
    • "It was a big relief. It took a lot to make that final decision." — Gretchen Rubin [30:11]
  • Realizes she prefers scheduled plans over spontaneity, especially during stressful times.

• Lori’s Experience

  • Shifts her mindset from cramming all holiday visiting into one window; decides to spread visits throughout the year for more joy and less stress.
    • "Why does it have to be at this time? Why can't we go visit in March?" — Lori Gottlieb [31:39]
  • As a December birthday (like Gretchen), she insists that December birthdays shouldn’t be lost in the holiday shuffle.
    • “People with December birthdays deserve to get a birthday...don’t just combine these celebrations.” — Lori Gottlieb [32:38]

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6. Next Episode’s Dilemma: Setting Boundaries in Communication

[34:39]

• Listener writes about a boyfriend’s need for constant texting, even when it feels exhausting or pointless.
• Lori and Gretchen invite listener input for next week’s discussion.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “People do direct negative feelings towards people who tell them things they don’t want to hear. So it’s understandable that Ciara would be apprehensive.” — Gretchen Rubin [12:12]
• “You’re giving them a great gift...” — Lori Gottlieb, on telling someone a hard truth with kindness [24:07]
• “Let it unfold... Don’t judge it, don’t fight it, ride the wave.” — Gretchen Rubin [29:23]
• “Benevolent honesty instead of brutal honesty.” — Lori Gottlieb [23:09]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:31] Grieving and family loss discussion
• [05:13] Listener updates on last season's advice dilemmas
• [10:15] Ciara’s question about how to mention her mom’s bad breath
• [11:08] The intimacy of addressing sensitive personal issues
• [12:40] Tips for approaching delicate conversations with loved ones
• [14:15] Medical normalization and choosing the right moment
• [20:05] Wisdom of Crowds: Who should break difficult news?
• [21:25] Listener comments + advice on honesty delivery
• [28:30] Hosts reflect on their own holiday advice and traditions
• [34:39] Teaser for next episode—texting boundaries in relationships

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Listener Takeaway

This episode centers on some of life’s most awkward but necessary conversations, emphasizing honesty delivered with empathy. Lori and Gretchen model practical scripts for tough talks and reflect on how even experts sometimes struggle to follow their own advice. The power of kindness, intention, and timing are recurring themes, with plenty of wisdom from both hosts and listeners on navigating the messy and beautiful parts of being human.

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For more advice, story follow-ups, or to submit your own question, visit sinceyouaskedpodcast.com.

Transcript

[Lori Gottlieb]

Lemonade?

[Ciara (Listener)]

I need some help navigating a problem that stinks. I love spending time with my mom, but in the last few years, I've been noticing that her breath smells quite bad. How can I tactfully and compassionately let my mom know?

[Lori Gottlieb]

This is something where someone is coming to you from a place not of judgment or criticism, but of concern and love.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This is so hard. There is something, something special about smell. It's so intimate. It's so sensitive. Hey, Lori.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Hi, Gretchen.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And hello, everyone. Welcome to since youe Asked, a podcast, where Lori and I give our best advice to listeners who are struggling with a dilemma. Whether big or small, we give our perspectives, and we also include a lot of responses from the sense you asked listeners. I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, good habits, and human nature. I also host the podcast called Happier with Gretchen Rubin.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And I'm Laurie Gottlieb. I'm a psychotherapist. I'm the author of maybe youe Should Talk To Someone. I also write the Ask a Therapist advice column for the New York Times.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, it is great to be back for season two. Lori, I missed talking advice with you.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I know we haven't talked advice over the break, but as you and I both know, all kinds of things are still happening in people's lives. And particularly for you, Gretchen, your family dealt with a big loss over the holidays.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. Yes, we did. I have sad news that my beloved father died. Our family was with him right at the end, which was a huge comfort to us. In an upcoming episode, we'll talk about useful advice that my mother, sister, and I have received about dealing with loss. We'll talk about dealing with all kinds of loss. The stage is very fresh for us, so I could really use people's insights. I've already learned so much from other people who have gone through this and are going through this. I know it's different when it's new and then it changes over time. It would be really helpful to hear what other people have experienced and learned. I think we can all really learn from each other.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah, we would love to hear from our listeners because grief is so complicated. And of course, loss is universal. We all experience loss, but it's also so personal, and people have very different experiences and very different situations. And, Gretchen, while you're processing this, I think it would be so great to hear how other people have dealt with losses in their own lives.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Absolutely. I mean, right now I'm just holding to this idea that just accept whatever feels like the right thing to do at the moment. And one thing that my sister, my mother and I are all experiencing is, is that we need much more sleep than usual. So we're just making sure that we get that sleep just at that most basic level.

[Lori Gottlieb]

That's a really good point about sleep. And we're gonna go deeper into both of our experiences because I lost my father a few years ago, and in a future episode we will be talking about that as well. So we'd love to share experiences that we've gone through and we'd also love to hear from our listeners about their experiences.

[Gretchen Rubin]

But meanwhile, we are excited to be back with season two. No one was a bigger fan of my podcast than my father, so I miss my most devoted listener, but I always think of him when I'm doing a podcast. Now, in our first season, we got such a wide range of questions and thoughts from all of our listeners, and we thought it might be interesting for people to hear what you responded to the most. And hands down, the biggest response came to our question, what's the most life changing advice you ever received? Boy, people had a lot to say.

[Lori Gottlieb]

They did. We got so many great responses and we could not share them all. And so we'd love to share more of them in season two.

[Gretchen Rubin]

If you have an answer to that question, go ahead and send it in because we will revisit this question. The second biggest response was to the question about how to respond to a difficult friend who is behaving badly in restaurants. People had so many contradictory opinions. It started a big conversation.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah, it did. Especially whether you were the difficult one.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And maybe felt like you shouldn't be.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Perceived as the difficult one. And from people who were with someone that they perceived as the difficult one.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And the third biggest response was to the question about experiencing Post Wedding blues.

[Ciara (Listener)]

And.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And what this discussion, Lori, I thought highlighted was that this is more common maybe than you think, that something really good happens. But then people are surprised because sometimes there is this period of melancholy or disappointment or blues that comes after it. So people talked about so many experiences that were very different from Post Wedding Blues, but fit that category, which was interesting.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. That anticipation and then feeling so confused about why you were suddenly feeling down when you got the thing that you wanted.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Exactly.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And before we get into today's new advice questions, we just want to share some brief updates from listeners from last season.

[Gretchen Rubin]

The first one comes in response to a question that we discussed in episode eight. Kelly writes, this is in response to the question of do you change the date of the monthly gathering based on one person's availability. The answer is no. I have been the planner for various moms group events and there is always someone who is going to miss out. I too am the mother of a baseball player and baseball schedules, sometimes they change and the practices are not all year round. I would keep the schedule as it is and tell the person who wants to change the date that we're going to keep things as is. And if you can join us, we'd love to have you. If not, we look forward to seeing you at the next event that very.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Much aligns with what you and I suggested. So it's interesting to see that our listener felt the same way on that one. Yeah, and then there was the question about whether a friend should tell another friend that her Botox is making her look not better but a little bit creepy. And our listener Emily had this to say about it. I am 28 and I have had a lot of friends who are overindulging botox and filler. One of these friends I'm very close with and I said something to her. She completely disregarded my advice and said it makes her happy. I would not recommend saying something because it makes no impact. On the contrary, as Botox and lip fillers start to fade, compliment them on how wonderful they look with positive reinforcement. You look so youthful. You are glowing. Did you do something different? A nice way to probe. If they bring it up, how does it make you feel? This was a really tricky one because beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, yes. And then we had a couple of very interesting responses to a discussion we had in episode five where an aunt wanted family members to suggest special presents that she could give to her nieces. And they weren't doing that and she was frustrated. Melissa wrote, I have been in this situation for the past 20 years in the shoes of the brother in law. In the story, my husband and I have a 13 year old daughter. Every Christmas and birthday an aunt contacts us with all of the questions, requests and reminders that the writer detailed. She wants us to tell her the perfect or most special gift to buy. We would give her ideas of things our daughter truly wanted, but she'd state it wasn't good enough. My husband and I felt very burdened and even frustrated at being assigned this endless task every holiday. To us, it doesn't feel like this aunt is selflessly giving a gift, but gifting to fulfill her own needs. If it were a selfless gift, it would be about what the recipient truly wanted, not what the aunt thinks is good enough. It feels selfish, like she's giving it for the joy of being the one who got the most special gift. Our daughter isn't even very interested in gifts and we live in a four room home with minimal belongings. So this scenario frustrates our daughter too. These last few years, we've convinced our aunt to simply buy a gift card to our local bookstore, which is what our daughter truly loves. The aunt still goes down the road of saying it's not good enough, but my husband shuts that conversation down pretty quickly.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Mm, I'm glad he shuts that conversation down. I think people need to remember that the gift is for the recipient. It sounds like even when the daughter is saying what she really wants is a gift card to a local bookstore, that the aunt is disregarding the fact that what makes the recipient happy is something she's not willing to give.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And then Michelle had a practical idea. She said if the aunt is wanting to connect and be remembered through the gift, an idea is to give a membership to a place, a zoo, museum, et cetera. That way when they go, she will be thought of. And then also the parents do not have additional stuff in the house. A bonus would be for her to make the intention to go once a year with them to that place too. We'd loved your advice on not taking the brother's lack of suggestions as personal. It is hard being a parent and being responsible for assigning gifts to all the family members to purchase and then also having items for yourself to give left over and you get burned if you delegate an idea to someone and they asked and then they don't actually purchase it and now your kid is left without something they actually wanted or needed. If the aunt insists on material purchases, consider a consumable that the parents would have to buy anyway, such as pajamas, shoes, et cetera. Well, I love this idea of buying an experience because that is something that is great for the whole family to enjoy and that if the aunt can join them even once a year, then that would be a special experience that they could all share, not something that would be taking up space in their house. Which is something that the listener said was a problem.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes. And of course we always talk about on this show how the research shows that experiences tend to make us happier than material things.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That turned out to be a very thought provoking question, which is what is the role of gifts? And what is our role in helping people to give gifts? It was really interesting to hear what people had to say.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. Especially around the holidays.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay. And now let's move on to new advice. Ciara raises a question that most of us have faced in one way or another.

[Ciara (Listener)]

Hi Lori and Gretchen. I need some help navigating a problem that stinks. Like actually it smells. I love spending time with my mom, but in the last few years I've been noticing more and more that her breath smells quite bad. She's in her late 50s and I know she takes good care of her teeth, but the smell has been consistent enough that I know it's not just the case of like an overly garlicky meal or something. While I would love to not say anything at all to my mom about this, the smell makes me not want to chat with her as much when we're together. My mom and I have a really good relationship, but she's also pretty self conscious and I worry that any comment about this could really hurt her. However, I also worry about having to smell her bad breath for years to come. How can I tactfully and compassionately let my mom know that I'm concerned about her bad breath and would like her to try to improve it?

[Gretchen Rubin]

The thing is, this is so hard. There is something special about smell. It's so intimate, it's so sensitive. This is something that would be so painful to raise. But the mother, it would affect her relationship with her daughter but also her relationship with other people in her life. Anyone with whom she's face to face. This is really delicate and what really.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Stuck out for me in the letter was she said, my mother and I are really close. And I think that's great because this is something where someone is coming to you from a place not of judgment or criticism but of concern and love. And this could also be a sign of a serious medical issue, especially if she takes care of her teeth. Something else might be going on. I think it's one thing when you think there's something about you that is unfixable. And here's something where you didn't used to have this, now you have this and I'm here to help you figure this out. Let's see if you can make an appointment with your doctor or your dentist and let's try to identify the cause of this.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, as we talked about in a previous episode, this phenomenon of kill the messenger is real. People do direct negative feelings towards people who tell them things that they don't want to hear. So it's understandable that Ciara would be apprehensive. But on the other hand, she's really genuinely concerned about this issue. For her Mother. And it is coming from that place of love.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And it's something that's important enough that it really does seem that it should be communicated. So what is our advice?

[Lori Gottlieb]

I think the first thing is that you do want it to come from a place of love and concern. And there are two things going on here. One is she really, truly is concerned about her mom. The other is she does not want to be around the bad breath forever. So they're both real. So you want to make it authentic and go to the part of we're so close. So I feel comfortable telling you something that is happening between us. So part of it is about you and part of it is about, here's what it's like when we're together. I would want to know. And I think that second part of this is something that if this were happening with me, I would trust you to tell me that because we are so close. And I hope you know that this is coming from a place of trust, that this is something that we can tell each other these kinds of very delicate, sensitive types of information about each other because our relationship is so strong.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And it might be helpful to frame it as I've noticed this. It's not your breath is really bad or something like, oh, but you know, just from time to time I've noticed it so it doesn't feel so heavy. And here's something that I would suggest because you do want it to feel very loving and concerned. But on the other hand, can you try to make it feel lighthearted or not to strike that shameful tone because it is so sensitive to feel like you smell that. That is so awful. Try to not make it feel shameful. But oh my gosh, this is something that we're gonna have to figure out together. And also choose your moment carefully. With a light tone, you could just say, well, I know I would wanna know, or whatever might be, so that you give it that lighter air of something. That's a very heavy message to deliver.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right. And along with that, I think is normalizing it. When people come to therapy, often they feel shame until we normalize that what they're experiencing isn't unique to them, that lots of people experience. Whatever it is. And you can say to your mom, bad breath can be medical horm medication related. It's not a hygiene failure.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And the last thing is to choose your moment carefully. You can do this before saying goodbye at the end of a visit so she isn't sitting through the rest of your visit knowing that maybe her breath is unpleasant and you're having to sit through that, it would be nice when you're saying goodbye to her, give her a big hug and say here's what I've noticed, and then go through some of the advice that we just suggested.

[Gretchen Rubin]

But I wouldn't do it right at the very end though, because you want somebody to be in a calm frame of mind where you could have a discussion. I think if somebody said that to me as we were hugging goodbye.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Oh, right. Not at the door.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lori Gottlieb]

By the way, by the way, you have bad breath. Gotta go. It's not like that. The visit is winding down. You're gonna say goodbye soon. Now's the moment to sit down in a calm way and have that conversation.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. If you wanna weigh in on this, let us know what you think@the sensuspodcast.com It's a tricky situation. What is your advice? Have you ever been on the receiving end of something like this? How was that experience for you? We can all learn from each other. And coming up, we will discuss a Wisdom of Crowds question that we posted on social media that by chance is extremely apt as a follow up to Sierra's Dilemma. But first, this break.

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[Gretchen Rubin]

And we're back.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And by lucky coincidence, on social media, we asked listeners to weigh in on a question that exactly matches Sierra's question that we just discussed.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And this was completely coincidence. It's bananas.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes, serendipity. We asked if someone were to tell you a painful truth about yourself, such as you have bad breath, this is a crazy coincidence that that was the example we gave. Would you rather hear it from a family member or a close friend? And you were pretty clear about your feelings on this. Our poll results were 67% of you said you would want to hear it from a family member. So Ciara's in good company there. And 33% of you said you would want to hear it from a close friend.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So Ciara, this might be comforting to you to know that your mother, if she's like most people, she would prefer to hear this difficult truth from you than from someone else in her life. So maybe that gives you a little bit of encouragement. And what's interesting to note, we're going to read some comments from listeners, but the people who commented were the ones who said that they would prefer a friend, even though the greater number of people were the ones who said that they would prefer to hear from a family member. So the people who wanted to hear from friends had kind of had more to say, which is itself sort of an interesting phenomenon.

[Lori Gottlieb]

If you're in the 37%, you might recognize some of these experiences.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Amy Gray said, if a painful truth comes from a close friend and we stick together as friends after a painful truth is spoken, it means their intentions are pure. The same can't be said of all family members. They still remain family whatever their intentions.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And Christine said, I'm the person who will tell you that painful truth. I may do it subtly and suggest that they get a mint or some gum. Most people get the hint I'd want to know. So I trust that they'd want to know as well. And that's what we suggested to Ciara to say I'd want to know.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. Laura said, the when and where is Important I would want to be told, but be discreet and be kind. On the flip side, I try to be gracious about accepting the info. It isn't easy for someone to take the risk to convey the hard information. Well, that is great advice on both counts.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And I love what Kristy said. She said there is such a difference between benevolent and brutal honesty.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. Marcie said, I don't think I would care who shared it as long as they were honest and kind. I'd like to think that it would result in a stronger friendship or relationship. Knowing our flaws, ones we can change and those we can't, make us stronger, and having conversations about them can help us build understanding and empathy. As long as the purpose and attitude used is about support. If the person is speaking out of jealousy or spite, then keep it to yourself.

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[Lori Gottlieb]

And Susie said, I'd prefer no one makes me too uncomfortable.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay. And then Nicole said, either and both should care enough and do the best they can to tell them in a way not to hurt them but to do their best to be kind and respectful. So over and over people are saying whatever you do and whoever you are, be kind. Do it from a place of good intentions. And that is clearly true.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Benevolent honesty instead of brutal honesty.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Exactly.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I think the worry about not having it feel kind and respectful is what prevents people from saying something. I just read a question to an advice column where the person said that they were waiting in a coffee shop and the person in front of them and had bird poop on their shoulder and the person wanted to tell this woman but felt, well, I'm a stranger. I don't know if this person would appreciate that. And overwhelmingly the comments were, I would want to know if I ever had bird poop on my shoulder or anything is going on with me and you're a stranger. Please tell me. I want to know because I'm going to go the rest of the day and somebody else is going to tell me and I will have embarrassed myself for all those hours in between.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, in terms of striking a lighthearted tone, you can say, you know, excuse me, maybe you don't know it, but according to American folklore, it's good luck if a bird poops on you and you are in for some good luck. But yay. We just want to know and you want to know as soon as possible.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes, you're actually sparing them the embarrassment of having to deal with the thing for a long time and other people will be too afraid to tell them. You're giving them a great gift when.

[Gretchen Rubin]

We come back, we'll talk about whether we followed good advice about how to have a happier holiday or but first, this break.

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[Gretchen Rubin]

So if you're ready to simplify the.

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[Lori Gottlieb]

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[Lori Gottlieb]

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[Lori Gottlieb]

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[Lori Gottlieb]

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[Lori Gottlieb]

And we're back. And for some people, the holidays are wonderful, but they can also be stressful. For others, they're difficult for all kinds of reasons. There might be family issues or it's the anniversary of a loss, or you feel lonely. What advice did we give and follow ourselves or not?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, because we hear so much good advice about navigating the holidays. But knowing good advice is different from following that advice. So Lori, you and I thought we would check in with ourselves and whether we'd followed the good advice. For me, because my family and I were dealing with the shock of my father's death, I just kept saying to myself, let it unfold. That was what some friend of mine had said. She said, just let it unfold. And to me that meant experience what I was experiencing and don't judge it, don't fight it, ride the wave. And that was really good advice. And I took that advice.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And that's such good advice, not just for grieving, but for the holidays themselves that people put so Much pressure on. It has to be a certain way, and if you can just let it unfold, that's good advice for all kinds of life situations.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, in that spirit, but in a less transcendent context, One piece of advice that I often give and get is to be willing to let go of traditions that no longer serve you. We have to let traditions evolve, and I did this. This year. I decided to stop sending holiday cards. This was huge for me. I was just constantly weighing it. Should I do it? Should I give it up? Was it time? Was it not time? It was hard, but then I felt a sense of, okay, I'm letting go of a tradition that no longer serves us. It was a big relief. It took a lot to make that final decision.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And how does it feel now that you've made it?

[Gretchen Rubin]

So good? I'm so happy. I was ready to let it go. Another piece of advice that I often give myself around the holidays is know how scheduled I want to be or how spontaneous I want to be. And I'm a person who does not like spontaneity. I like a schedule. This year was even more unusual because my mother came to New York City instead of my whole family going to Kansas City. And so we had a lot of new things to deal with. I think a lot of times people say, oh, keep things open, be spontaneous. That's easier. That's more relaxing. Then I realized, hey, know myself, I like a detailed schedule, and just let myself make a detailed schedule and stick to a detailed schedule. That was actually more relaxing and comforting for me. And so the thing is to suit yourself, to know yourself and maybe your family, rather than saying, one way is the right way and one way is the wrong way.

[Lori Gottlieb]

It's interesting about sending the holiday cards because all of us receive so many of them. And honestly, no offense, Gretchen, but I did not notice that I did not get a holiday card from you. And I think sometimes the holiday cards, people can have very different reactions to receiving them. Sometimes it feels like, look at all these perfect families. And sometimes it's, oh, my gosh, I don't even have time to look at all of these. Or you feel guilty because you didn't send out cards for your family. So I love that you just decided, you know what? It was making me happy. It's not making me happy anymore. I don't want to do it this year.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Now, how about you, Lori? What advice did you give or get or take or not take?

[Lori Gottlieb]

I think for me, I started to realize that the holidays seem like this very Intense time of you have to get everything in, in terms of visiting people and doing certain things in this two week period, this is the time you have to do it all. And I thought, why do we do it that way? It's okay to spend the holidays whatever way you want. And you can see the people that you want to see during the year too. It was this revelation. Why does it have to at this time? Why can't we go visit in March or in an off month? Why do we have to do it now? So that actually freed up a lot of time. And I really enjoyed the holidays in a very different way. And I was so glad that I made that decision.

[Ad Reader 2]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

Because we can make them unnecessarily hectic and chaotic when in fact you could just spread out the visits over a longer period of time and it would be more enjoyable and easier.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah, you get more joy during the year that way too. And the other piece of advice is that I am a December birthday and you're a December birthday too, Gretchen.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yep.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And our birthdays can often get lost over the holidays. So I make it a point to celebrate my birthday separate from the holidays. And my advice is to remember that the people in your life who have December birthdays deserve to get a birthday. So don't forget that it is their birthday. Don't say, oh, you know, let's just combine these celebrations or we're all together anyway. Please try to remember even if it's not during the holidays. Maybe it's the week before, maybe it's the week after, but dedicate some time to just celebrating their birthdays.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, all December birthdays. Know this combo experience can be very frustrating, especially when you're a little kid. Well, since you askers, let us know if you found any advice particularly helpful for navigating this past holiday season or if you learned a lesson the hard way. We can all learn from each other. Let us know on theseenseouspodcast.com because usually advice that is good for the holiday season is good advice all year round.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I find good advice is good advice.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And before we go, we hope you are ready to give some advice. As always, we're going to leave you with a question that we're going to discuss in the next episode and we would love to hear your thoughts. This listener, who wanted to remain anonymous asked this question. I am having an issue with my boyfriend regarding how often we interact. He has said to me that he needs frequent communication to feel like his partner is still interested in him. While I was happy to accommodate this before, I guess I didn't realize the scope of what he meant. My main issue is that he wants constant text responses throughout the day, even when there's no substance to our texts. It makes me feel not only disingenuous about my responses, but also just exhausted. And like texting is a chore, how do I communicate this or set a boundary with him in a way that still makes him feel reassured about our relationship? Thanks and love the pod. Well, I love that she loves the pod. And this kind of goes back to one of our episodes where we asked our listeners if they like getting text throughout the day, but in this specific situation we might have some different advice.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Mm.

[Lori Gottlieb]

So we'd love to hear what all of you think. If you go to theseinceyouasspodcast.com, tell us and we might include it when we talk about this question next week.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Cannot wait. And that is it for today. It is great to be back for season two. Remember, send us your questions. We love hearing them. Big questions, small questions. It's all interesting. You are a big part of the show. Sends you askers. If our discussions today have struck a chord with you, we would love to hear that it was helpful or it was helpful for someone in your life. And please tell your friends, word of mouth really is the way that most people discover our podcast. Also, if you're so inclined, if you rate or review the show, that also is a big help to us.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And we were so grateful for all of the word of mouth where you told your friends about the podcast you rated you reviewed. So keep the questions coming at the since you house podcast.com and remember whether.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This podcast changes your life or just makes you laugh. We're glad you're here.

[Podcast Disclaimer Voice]

Since you asked is for entertainment purposes only and isn't a substitute for professional advice. By sending us your question, you're agreeing. We may use it on the show and edit it for length or clarity.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Are you looking for ways to make your everyday life happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative? I'm Gretchen Rubin, the number one bestselling author of the Happiness Project, bringing you fresh insights and practical solutions in the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast. My co host and Happiness guinea pig is my sister, Elizabeth Craft. That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer in Hollywood. Join us as we explore ideas and hacks about cultivating happiness and good habits. Check out Happier with Gretchen Rubin from Lemonada Media.