Should You Cut Ties With a Parent? Plus: Chrissy Teigen Wants Friendship Advice

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Should You Cut Ties With a Parent? Plus: Chrissy Teigen Wants Friendship Advice"

Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin — Lemonada Media
Episode Date: February 3, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode, happiness researcher Gretchen Rubin and psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb answer listeners' deeply personal questions about family estrangement, self-forgiveness, and adult friendship. They tackle a listener's dilemma about whether her adult son should maintain a fraught relationship with his critical, dependent father post-divorce. The episode also features an advice request from celebrity Chrissy Teigen on how to be a better friend, and a crowd-sourced segment exploring the ethics of lying for kindness. Lori and Gretchen combine actionable insights with empathy, inviting audience participation on life’s tough everyday dilemmas.

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Main Discussion Sections

1. Should You Stay in Contact with a Difficult Parent?

(Starts @ 05:16)

Listener Dilemma Read Aloud

• Mary writes about her 31-year-old son, who struggles with his father post-divorce, describing him as “bitter, lonely, unhappy, and critical.” Her son contemplates cutting contact. Mary asks: Is it important for her son to maintain this challenging relationship?

Key Insights & Advice

• Validate the Son’s Experience
  Lori: “She agrees with her son about who the father has become... but has compassion for him as the father she saw him as.” (06:52)
• Rethink Relationship Options
  Gretchen: “There’s this tendency to think of it as binary: do I cut off contact or do I put up with it?” (09:02)
  Lori: “Is there another way to be in relationship with this person that doesn’t involve a complete cutoff?” (08:11)
• Encourage Direct Communication
  Gretchen (on the importance of talking directly to the father): “Have you talked to the other person about how you feel?” (10:00)
• Consider the Role of Gratitude
  Gretchen: “Gratitude can drive out negative emotions like resentment or annoyance...” (10:52)
• Experiment with Boundaries
  Lori: “Maybe you don’t see them as frequently... or react differently. Is there another way?” (08:11)
• The Middle Ground
  Both stress finding an in-between—limited or structured contact, rather than all or nothing.
• Who Do You Want to Be?
  Lori: “I’m less interested in what kind of father your dad is now and more interested in who you get to be in relation to him.” (14:16)
• Future Regrets
  Gretchen urges considering: “How do you anticipate you might feel?” (07:24)

Notable Quotes

• Gretchen: “Sometimes we do things because they help us express our values in the world, even though they don’t make us feel good or happy in the moment.” (07:24)
• Lori: “Distance is also a relationship, but it’s more powerful when it’s chosen rather than reactive.” (14:16)
• Gretchen: “A relationship with a parent is a very, very special relationship. Of course, sometimes people need to cut off contact, but there are many... choices in between.” (13:42)

Memorable Moments

• The hosts commend Mary for her admirable restraint and non-interference.
• Listeners are directly invited to share how they handle disappointment with a parent. (17:18)

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2. Wisdom of Crowds: Is It Ever Right to Lie?

(18:04 – 26:47)

Social Media Poll Results

• 85%: “Yes, sometimes it’s justified to lie for a better outcome.”

Listener Contributions

• Therapeutic Lying for Dementia:
  Heather shares: “I had to lie to my father with dementia so he wasn’t learning about my mom’s death over and over. I had to reframe this as coming from a loving place...” (18:42)
• Parenting Lies:
  “No, we don’t have more dessert,” the Tooth Fairy, and similar white lies—all seen as for the child’s benefit.
• Surprise Parties & Gifts:
  “I told my mother I loved the name she chose for her baby.” Jennifer: “I just threw my mother a surprise 80th birthday party and had to tell her several lies in the process.” (21:30)
• Pain Management Lies:
  Jillian: “During my daughter’s labor, I lied: ‘Yes, it’s almost over.’ Lied like a rug.” (23:13)
  Lori relates her own experience, “I was so glad [my hiking friend] lied because it kept me going.” (23:41)

Key Insights

• Lies can be loving and necessary, but can undermine trust if misapplied (noted with “child management lies” vs. honest disappointment).
• The importance of context and the distinction between harm and kindness in white lies.

Notable Quotes

• Gretchen: “A lie is a lie, and to mislead someone is a very, very serious thing.” (22:34)
• Lori: “I think you have to really examine who is the lie for and is it going to benefit them?” (22:45)

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3. Advice on Self-Forgiveness After a Social Mistake

(30:31 – 37:10)

Listener Dilemma Read Aloud

• Johnny, after an unintentional hurtful comment, apologizes to Donna, who doesn’t forgive him. Years later, he remains wracked with shame and wants advice on self-forgiveness.

Key Insights & Advice

• Guilt vs. Shame:
  Lori: “Remorse is instructive. He got the lesson. But punishment keeps us stuck...” (32:20)
• Disproportionate Response:
  Gretchen: “Something else is going on with Donna and maybe with Johnny. The self-punishment... seems disproportionate.” (32:52)
• Narrative and Distance:
  Gretchen: “Consider writing the story of what happened—putting it into narrative helps you gain perspective.” (33:53)
  “Try ‘distance self-talk’—what advice would you give to another person in your shoes?” (34:51)
• Universal Human Error:
  Gretchen: “Have we all made a careless remark that hurts someone’s feelings? Of course we’ve all done it.” (36:51)
• Compassion for Yourself:
  Lori: “You’re not alone in this.” (36:51)

Notable Quotes

• Lori: “We learn from remorse... but shame just keeps us stuck.” (32:20)

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4. Chrissy Teigen Seeks Friendship Advice

(41:48 – 49:17)

Chrissy’s Question

• “I want advice on how to be a better friend. Sometimes things get so surface because we are so busy... I don’t feel like I’m a great friend to many people.” (Chrissy Teigen – 41:48)

Discussion & Advice

• The Impact of Moving:
  Gretchen: “People who move a lot as kids get good at forging bonds that are quick but shallow.” (42:16)
• Intentional Friendship Effort:
  Focus on asking real questions (“What’s taking up your energy these days?”) vs. just “How are you?” (43:52) Lori: “Knowing the details—did your brother just have surgery, is it the anniversary of a loss—shows you’re paying attention.” (44:11)
• Rituals & Scheduling:
  Gretchen advocates, “Find a place for friendship on the calendar.” (44:43)
• Shared Activities:
  Lori: “Share experiences—do things you’d do anyway, but invite friends along.” (45:23) Gretchen: “Can you have a group that does it regularly, like a book club or monthly hike?” (46:06)
• Focus on a Few Close Friends:
  Lori: “Research shows people are happiest when they have one or two really close friends.” (47:25)

Memorable/Actionable Takeaways

• Consider making a “friend chart” to clarify and deepen specific relationships without overwhelming yourself.
• It’s okay to have different types of friendships for different needs.

Notable Quotes

• Gretchen: “Something that can be done at any time is done at no time.” (44:43)
• Lori: “We have different friends for different things.” (47:25)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Mary’s Parental Estrangement Letter: 05:16 – 17:18
• Crowdsourced Wisdom: On Lying: 18:04 – 26:47
• Self-Forgiveness Dilemma: 30:31 – 37:10
• Chrissy Teigen Advice Segment: 41:48 – 49:17

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Notable Quotes (With Timestamps)

• “Sometimes we do things because they help us express our values in the world, even though they don’t make us feel good or happy in the moment.” — Gretchen (07:24)
• “Distance is also a relationship, but it’s more powerful when it’s chosen rather than reactive.” — Lori (14:16)
• “Remorse is instructive... But punishment just keeps us stuck.” — Lori (32:20)
• “People who move a lot as kids get really good at forging bonds that are quick but shallow.” — Gretchen (42:16)
• “Something that can be done at any time is done at no time.” — Gretchen (44:43)
• “We have different friends for different things.” — Lori (47:25)

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Tone & Language

The tone throughout the episode is warm, accessible, candid, and practical. Both hosts use the language of empathy, validation, and curiosity, encouraging self-reflection and nuanced consideration of complex relationships.

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Summary for Non-Listeners

This episode dives deeply into the shades of gray in family estrangement, arguing for self-compassion, creative boundaries, and direct communication rather than all-or-nothing solutions. It highlights how self-forgiveness is rooted in moving from shame to growth. In response to Chrissy Teigen’s very relatable dilemma, Gretchen and Lori give practical, nonjudgmental advice on intentionally deepening adult friendships amidst busy lives. Engaging real-life anecdotes and a wisdom-of-crowds segment on lying round out the show, making it both useful counsel and affirming listening for anyone navigating modern relationships.

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Transcript

[Gretchen Rubin]

If you're like many people every new year, you set the same kind of intentions. More energy, better focus, being more consistent with the habits you know are good for you. But there may be years where you're doing all the right things sleeping enough, eating well, moving your body. But you still feel tired and foggy in a way you couldn't quite explain.

[Lori Gottlieb]

That's something a lot of people don't realize can be connected to iron levels Low iron doesn't always look dramatic. It can can show up quietly as persistent fatigue, brain fog or trouble concentrating, frequent headaches, irritability or low mood or brittle nails and hair breakage. An iron deficiency can exist even before anemia develops, meaning you might feel symptoms long before anything looks serious.

[Gretchen Rubin]

When iron levels are low, your body has to work harder to deliver oxygen, which can affect energy, focus, mood and physical performance. And traditional iron supplements often don't help the way people hope because the body typically absorbs only about 10 to 15% of the iron, and the rest can cause side effects like nausea or constipation.

[Lori Gottlieb]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Lori Gottlieb]

Head to pharmanutra-us.com and use code since you asked for 10% off your first order of Sideeral that's P H A R M A N U T R a-us.com promo code. Since you asked.

[Louis Dreyfus]

Hiya Julia. Louis Dreyfus here from the Wiser Than Me podcast. Among other things, and I've got a bit of a hot take. Our relationship to our food can feel disconnected. We don't always know how or where our food is grown, and if we throw food scraps in the garbage, we don't think about where it's going. Or at least we try not to. One way that I get back a little of that connection is by using my mill food recycler. Sure, Mill has totally changed my home life in a lot of practical ways. It works automatically. You can fill it for weeks, it never ever smells. But this is also really important. When I Use Mill. I'm participating in a circular system. All the food I don't eat is helping to grow the food that I do. It makes me feel like I'm part of something bigger and that feels really, really good. And it's all so ridiculously easy. I just drop my scraps in my mill and it transforms them into nutrient rich grounds overnight. I have mine sent to a small farm, but if I wanted to, I could use them in my garden or for my backyard chickens if I wanted backyard chickens. And I don't know, maybe I do now, maybe I don't. Anyway, maybe mill is transforming me too, just a little. If you want to feel more connected or you just want your kitchen to feel less gross, you try Mill's risk free trial and just live with it for a while. Go to mill.com wiser for an exclusive offer.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Lemonade.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Let'S hear a question from Chrissy Teigen. I want advice on how to be a better friend.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Like sometimes things get so surface because we are so busy and moving all the time that I don't feel like I'm a great friend to many people.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I think it's one of the most common things that people talk about in adulthood.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. So I think this advice is going to be relevant to everybody.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Hey Lori.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Hi Gretchen.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Hello everyone. Welcome to since youe Asked, a podcast where Lori and I give our best advice to listeners who are struggling with a dilemma, whether big or small. We give our perspectives and we also include a lot of responses from our since you Asked listeners. I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness in human nature. I write a weekly newsletter called 5 Things Making Me Happy so you can sign up if you're curious to know what those things might be.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And I'm Lori Gottlieb. I'm a psychotherapist and I'm the author of maybe youe Should Talk to Someone. I also write the Ask the Therapist advice column for the New York Times.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Lori, everybody says the same thing at the beginning of the year, but it's always true. It is so hard to believe that the new year is here and who can get used to writing 2026? It's just like what happened to 2025.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I know we keep emailing each other with the wrong dates on our schedule for the podcast.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, it has been great to get your questions over the past few months. Keep them coming. Remember, any dilemma, big or small, send them to the since you Asked podcast. Com. We read them all.

[Lori Gottlieb]

That's right. We've gotten so many great Letters from you and we're gonn with one of them. It is the letter that we left you with last week to think about and it is a question from Mary and it goes like this.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I have a question about the value and importance of my adult son's relationship with his dad, my ex husband. After 16 years of marriage, his father and I divorced when my son was 8 years old. The divorce was initiated by my husband. Fast forward 23 years. I have been happily remarried for almost 18 years while my ex husband has struggled through a string of failed relationships. My son, now 31, has recently confided in me for the first time that his relationship with his dad has become difficult and disappointing since shortly after the divorce. My ex husband lives near my son and wants to get together often. My son tells me his dad is a bitter, lonely, unhappy and critical man who who manages to turn every get together into a session of his dad offering unkind teasing, nitpicking or criticism. While my son realizes that his dad is somewhat dependent on him since he is in poor health and has alienated most of the people in his life, my son is sick of it and says he does not want to see his dad. I have tried to tread carefully by sharing that his dad was a good father to him when he was young and that my son may regret cutting his father out altogether. My son's question was why? Why is having a relationship with his father important if his father is such a bitter and critical curmudgeon? What do you think? Is having a relationship with his dad of value or importance under the circumstances? And if so, how can I help without interfering? Wow, that is a big question.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Well, first of all, this is so common in a divorce where one parent wants to make sure that the child, and now the adult child has a relationship with both parents. And I feel so much for the son and for the mother because it sounds like she agrees with her son about who the father has become, but she also has compassion for him as the father that she saw him as. It sounds like despite all of his issues, that he did try to be a good dad. And so she feels protective of him because of that.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, and he wants to have a relationship with his son. He wants to see him. He's reaching out. One thing you might do is turn around and ask your son the question that he has posed to you. Why is having this relationship important? And ask him to examine that question for himself. What might his answer be so far? The son is keeping it up. What is the value that is there? To him. Sometimes we do things because they help us express our values in the world. And even though they don't make us feel good or feel happy in the moment. This is his father. And you might also say to him, imagine that your future self keeps up the relationship, or your future self breaks off the relationship. How do you anticipate that you might feel? What are the regrets that you might have? How do you think that that would play out? Sometimes it's helpful to think about, what would our future self think?

[Lori Gottlieb]

I think sometimes it's so easy to look at the irritating things about somebody, and they overshadow any small positive attributes that a person might have. And I know this isn't a very popular perspective, and while I absolutely support estrangement when it's necessary, But I think that it's important for people to consider what other options there might be so that if they do decide to cut off the relationship, they know that they've exhausted all the possibilities of what might be a way to be in relationship with this person. Maybe you don't see them as frequently. Maybe there's a different way to react when the father engages in these behaviors, but is there another way to be in relationship with this person that doesn't involve a complete cutoff?

[Gretchen Rubin]

I think you're exactly right, because there's this tendency to think of it as binary. Okay, do I cut off contact altogether with my father, or do I get together with him whenever he wants and however he wants, and I put up with this curmudgeon behavior? Whereas, as you're pointing out, there's many ways to rethink the relationship, and what does that relationship look like? That might allow him to maintain the relationship with his father, but maybe change the terms, given how this is playing out.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. And I wonder, given that the son is telling the mother this is a really difficult relationship, has the son talked directly to his dad about the behaviors that bother him? And you know, as he said, dad, when you say this, it's really hard to get together with you, or we don't have a good time when this happens. Has he tried to set limits, and what has that been like? We don't really know if the dad is aware how unpleasant these visits are for the son.

[Gretchen Rubin]

No. Exactly. And can I feel like, lori, you and I should get a mug with this on it or like a T shirt that. Have you talked to the other person about how you feel?

[Lori Gottlieb]

Because it feels like that's the advice.

[Gretchen Rubin]

The advice is talk to the other person about how you feel? Yeah, that's great advice because right, he's coming to the mother, he's raising it for the first time now with her. Does the father realize maybe he thinks he's being friendly? Teasing? There's research showing that when people tease, they think it's much more friendly and welcoming than the teaser feels. Being teased feels much worse than teasing. So there's a lopsided quality to it. And so the father may be very unaware of the fact that he's really coming across this way to his son.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Sometimes people tease in a misguided way to create connection. Like we have this inside joke between us and they think it's a shared joke, but it's not. And it comes off as critical or mean spirited.

[Gretchen Rubin]

You know, another thing picking up on this idea of thinking back, well, what are the good qualities that underlie the annoying qualities? One thing to say I find is helpful is what are you grateful for from your father? What are you grateful for? Because gratitude really can drive out negative emotions like resentment or annoyance. Because when you really think back to the things that you're grateful for, and it might be that if he would express to his father, wow, I remember when I was young and it was really important to me to learn to do X, Y, Z, and you were so patient helping me to learn to tie my shoes even though it took so long, that might also help the father feel more connected to the son. I did do a good job with you. You do have these happy memories for me and that might be a very comforting thought for the father. That might also make it easier for them to engage.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah, I wonder what's going on with the father. It sounds like he's maybe depressed and it sounds like they say he's pushed a bunch of people away in his life so something isn't really working out for him. And I wonder if he feels that there isn't meaning or connection in his life and he's relying too heavily on his son for that. But even a small comment of gratitude from his son could change the way the father feels about himself in the moment, in those interactions. And then the father reacts differently and maybe isn't so negative and curmudgeonly in those interactions.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Before we get into our advice, I think we should pause and say, this mother is behaving in a very admirable way. Yes, this is really great. She is really trying to tread lightly and to really do the best for both of them. Not overstep, not overreach, but just really try to serve the situation. And that is very Difficult, especially when you have a divorce. Well done.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Well done. Yes. We really want to emphasize the well done to her.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, it's not easy.

[Lori Gottlieb]

It's such a tricky situation because she agrees that the father is like this and she knows the father was basically a good father, at least back then, and she doesn't want to take a side on this. So good for her. Really well handled on her part. So what's our advice? I think the first thing is speaking of Mary. I think that Mary can validate the son's experience of what the father is like as an adult. It sounds like she believes his version of how the dad behaves. She's not disputing that he's bitter and difficult. She can say up front before she gets into her thoughts on this so that the son doesn't feel pressured in either way, she can say, look, whatever level of contact you choose, I'll respect it and I support you. But if you would like me to answer your question about why having a relationship might be important, important, here are my thoughts. So she's asking for permission. You're asking me this question why it might be important. I'm not trying to convince you of anything, but if you want my thoughts on it, here's what they are.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Look, a relationship with a parent is a very, very special relationship. It's a very, very important relationship. Of course, sometimes people need to cut off contact, but as we were talking about, there are many, many opportunities to choose something between cutting off all contact and just keeping things the way they are. And it really is valuable to maintain that. I mean, one of the things research shows and ancient philosophers agree that relationships are the most important things to our happiness. And a relationship with a parent is a very unique relationship. So it's worth thinking about.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Although I do think that when the relationship is so distressing every time you're with that person, that that's why the son is asking this question. He's saying, every time I'm with my dad, and it is really difficult and challenging, and I'm not sure why I should put myself through this all the time. And so I think what Mary could say is, look, I'm less interested in what kind of father your dad is now and more interested in who you get to be in relation to him. And sometimes having limited contact helps people make sense of where they come from, and it helps them shape and develop the person that they're going to be. So it's less about who your father is and who are you in relationship to this person who is your father. And distance is also a relationship, but it's more powerful when it's chosen rather than reactive. So the distance doesn't always have to result in having the person be gone. Even if you decide to cut the person off, you still have some kind of connection to him. And maybe it's just not worked out and it's not gonna give you the relief that you think you're going to get. It will have ended on maybe not a great note. So maybe you can think about a relationship differently. It doesn't necessarily have to be the warmest or closest, but it should be intentional. So it can be small, it can be structured, and it can be chosen.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Can you find things to do when you're not talking? It doesn't sound like this father is sort of emotionally abusive. It sounds like he's just extremely irritating. Can you watch sports together or find a TV show that you both want to watch? So you're sitting side by side, you're sharing time, you're showing that you want to be in this company, but you're not actually talking. So that's a way to have distance and togetherness at the same time.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And what I like about that idea is you're experimenting with how can I be in relationship with this person in some way so I stay in contact, but within my own limits? And it gives you more long term flexibility because if you cut off, it's kind of a long term decision. Sure, maybe you can reconnect later, but it will be much harder to revisit it then. So it might be better now to say, what are the ways in which I can be in contact without having to cut things off, where it will be much harder to reestablish that later. You don't really know what you want yet until you've experimented a little bit more. And Mary can say, look, those are my thoughts, zero pressure. I support what you want, but here's how I'm thinking about it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And let's think about how you could shape this in a new way. It takes some thinking and some imagination to rethink how you might set up those visits. So, listeners, what do you think? Many, many people experience some version of this question. It is a very big challenge to figure out how and why we want to maintain a relationship that's difficult. We would love to hear your responses. Let us know what you have to say at the since you asked. Podcast. Com.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right. And I think the question that we'd love to hear your thoughts on is what do I do with a parent who has disappointed me, how do I handle that?

[Gretchen Rubin]

That's even bigger, Lori.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Well, that's really what the son is asking. I mean, the son is saying, look, my dad is a disappointment to me. And so because I'm so disappointed, I want to cut off contact. But we want to know from you listeners, when you have had a parent who hasn't been the parent that you hoped for, how have you dealt with.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It, both in your mind and then also on a practical level? So now we have our popular segment, Wisdom of Crowds. This is where we post a question to the listeners and we report on your responses. This week we posted a poll on.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Social media and this one was a very, very juicy one. We're so excited to share your responses to this. And the question was, is it ever justified to tell a lie, especially when you believe that it will lead to a better outcome? And Gretchen, do you want to share the results?

[Gretchen Rubin]

So yes was leading by a lot. 85% said yes. No got 15%. And here is a prompt that we gave because we wanted to hear people expand a little bit on their yes or no answers. What's a lie you've told in good conscience? You believe it was the right thing to do and you're still glad you told it.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Here's what Heather had to say. When my father's dementia was declining and he forgot that my mom had passed away two years prior, I had to lie to him so that he wasn't learning about her death. Each time he asked about her, I took the same approach. When he asked after being moved into memory care when he would be moving back home, it was so difficult to lie. But I learned from a dementia expert that it's important to meet them where they are. So because their minds are in a different place and time, I had to reframe this as coming from a loving and not deceitful or harmful place. And that made me feel less conflicted. I believed it was called therapeutic lying, but I also liked calling it meeting him where he is. He's been gone for nearly a year now, and through his experiences, I learned a lot about how to be a loving and supportive person in ways I never imagined.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I've heard that that with people with dementia, it's very helpful not to contradict them constantly, but as she said, to meet them where they are. And then someone who wanted to be anonymous said, so many of the things we say to small children. No, we don't have more dessert. Yes, the park is closing now. Santa Claus, the tooth Fairy. You know, when My kids were little when they would see something in a store and want it. I would say, oh, that's not for sale. That's just on display. And they'd be like, oh, okay, that's just for display.

[Lori Gottlieb]

So I took a different tact with parenting, of course. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, all of that. But in terms of things like that's not for sale or we don't have more dessert, I really felt it was important that my son learned that you're going to be disappointed sometimes. Sometimes you can't have dessert. Sometimes you can't have the thing. So it's interesting to hear these responses of what do we consider a lie for good? And what do we consider maybe a lie that doesn't serve a good purpose? We might have different thoughts on that.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, it's interesting because Heather says it's called therapeutic lying. What would we call this? Child management lying.

[Lori Gottlieb]

See, but I wouldn't do it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

No, I'm right. You're like, I reject child management lying. Okay, interesting, Interesting.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yep. And then we have another listener who said, I told my friend I love the name she chose for her baby. Now I endorse that. I endorse that lie.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It's interesting. This is a lot of people who want to be anonymous. So I think there's something about talking about lying.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right. On the one hand, we're saying, I'm glad that I lied. I feel good about the lie. It was for a good intention, but yet we still have this kind of stigma around. But I don't really want to identify myself.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right, Exactly. Well, this anonymous said, I pretended my mom hadn't told me my sister was pregnant over a month before my sister did. Okay, so this is the line about, do you know the news already?

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Because it's so fun to give somebody a surprise or give someone big news. You don't want to spoil the fun.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. This person said, I told my husband I was surprised when he proposed. I wasn't. I'd found the ring. So that's very much the not knowing, pretending you don't know.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, that's the I'm surprised lie. Jennifer said, I just threw my mother a surprise 80th birthday party and had to tell her several lies in the process. After the party, we came clean about everything. It was fun committing such subterfuge. And she truly was surprised. But I'm glad this was an anomaly and not our everyday life. My family, we planned a surprise party for my father's 65th birthday. It is stressful to tell somebody A series of lies. I agree. It's fun to do it in a good cause and not for very long before the secret's revealed. But it's stressful to keep up lies.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah, but you're in it with other people. But it is stressful because you have to remember what the lies were. And so many times if you don't regularly lie, which I hope most people don't, it's really hard to remember. Wait, what did we say we're doing about this? And what was the COVID So our listener Jody said, I have been the one who was lied to by family members collectively and in collusion. It seems from their perspective, they felt the outcome was worth it. It devastated me as well as the relationships. It has been a few years, but I am still healing from the betrayal.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, that is a good reminder that you may think that it's all for a good cause, but a lie is a lie, and to mislead someone is a very, very serious thing. That's a very good reminder.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah, I think you have to really examine who is the lie for and is it going to benefit them.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, that's a good point about your child management, because those lies are for the parent, not for the child. So maybe that's a good reminder for all who might overindulge. Alex said, I've thanked people profusely for a gift and then gotten rid of it in some manner. Yeah, well, we've all done it.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Carl said, I have lied many times by non response to the question, does anyone else have something to say? I have almost always been glad.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This is when less is more. Yes, yes, yes. Jillian said, yes. Watching my daughter give birth is one of her support people. She grabs my arm and says, mom, is this nearly over? And I looked her straight in the eye and said, yes. Chicken so close. Lied like a rug. Ooh, that's interesting. Right? When there's pain involved and people are pacing. I don't know that I would do that, but that's interesting. It's clearly she feels like it was a good choice.

[Lori Gottlieb]

This reminds me of a time when I was hiking with a friend and I had hurt myself and we had several miles to get down the mountain. And I kept saying, are we almost there? Are we almost there? And he kept saying, just around the corner, we're almost there. And I was so glad he lied because if I knew, I would have thought, I'll never make it down the mountain. So actually, that was a really positive thing for me.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So, Jillian, that's confirmation that that can Be a really great approach.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah, sometimes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Sometimes.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And Tina said Bonhoeffer's ethics had a lot to say about this. He proposed that, yes, depending on the circumstances, it might be better to lie and save lives than tell the truth and hurt others. Which is really the heart of the question that we're asking. What is that line? What is that balance?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, I think if you're saying if you're saving lives, that makes it quite easy. The other thing is, well, what if it's hurt feelings? Yeah. Yes, but that's the question.

[Lori Gottlieb]

So, Gretchen, do you have any examples of this? Have you ever done it with me? Have you ever done it with people that we know? Tell me.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, of course, Lori. Never with you, of course. But one thing is, if somebody gives me a book often, I'll be like, oh, I'm so excited to read this book. I can't wait to get into it, even though I'd already read it, because I just feel like it's so deflating when you give somebody a book that you're very excited that you think that they're going to enjoy, and then they've already read it. So I always just say, I can't wait to dive in.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And it's also confirmation that they really know you because you've already read it. So clearly it was a good choice. But you just don't want to take away from their excitement of maybe that's.

[Gretchen Rubin]

A way to tell the truth. I didn't think about framing it that way. Maybe I should say, oh, my gosh, you really do know me. You've read my mind. I already read this book. So of course this was a perfect choice. Maybe that's a good way to frame it so that I can tell the truth. Yeah. Which always does feel better to tell the truth, but in a way that makes them feel like, oh, my gosh, I was a better gift giver than I knew. I don't feel deflated. I feel vindicated.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah, that's another way to approach it. Going back to what we were talking about earlier about telling the truth with your kids, I think we have to think about, does the lie come at the cost of trust? So when my son was little and he would get his shots at his checkups, I always wanted to say, oh, this won't hurt. But then I realized that the better thing to say was, you know what? It might hurt, but I will hold your hand the whole time. And it just relaxed him because then when he gets the shot, and if it does hurt, he's not gonna trust me if I tell him something, right? So I always wanted to say, look, here's the truth. But you're not alone in this. Right?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, it was so interesting to see the range of responses. Interesting that so many people wanted to be anonymous. That surprised me.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes. And yet 85% of people said yes, they have done this. They just didn't wanna be identified. So I think the bottom line is that when people did it, they were doing it for what they felt was a good reason. These were not deceitful lies or vindictive lies. And sometimes we have to choose kindness. And it's really hard to figure out when do we use kindness, when do we betray trust? Because we don't want to do that. So these were really good examples. Thank you all for sending them in.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Coming up, we'll tackle a question about self forgiveness. But first, this break. Lori what I like about JLab is that no matter what your mood, there's a JLab headphone for everyone.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Exactly. Whether I'm working out to music, listening to podcasts, or just trying to unwind, there's a JLab that fits and they deliver superior sound, smart design and real value.

[Gretchen Rubin]

The JBuds pods are a great example. Sleek stem design, 56 hours of playtime, and perfect, powerful noise canceling. What I appreciate is not having to think about charging them all the time. They just keep going.

[Lori Gottlieb]

The JBuds Lux are another favorite. They've got 70 hours of playtime, hybrid active noise canceling and cloud foam cushions. I love how lightweight and comfortable they are, especially if you're listening all day.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And if you want to go beyond headphones, JLab even has the JBuds party speaker with up to 12 hours of playtime and customizable LED lights to set the mood anywhere.

[Lori Gottlieb]

For every move, for every mood, for every you express your true self with JLab.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Look for the blue box at retailers everywhere or shop jlab.com and use code. Since you asked for 15% off your order today, I think a lot of people want a non alcoholic drink that still feels layered and interesting. Something with complexity and personality, not just sparkling juice in a fancy glass.

[Lori Gottlieb]

That's where Little Saints fits. It's a non alcoholic cocktail experience that's designed to feel intentional, layered and adult without alcohol being part of the equation.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Little Saints is 0 sugar, 5 calories, and non intoxicating. It's built for evenings hosting and moments when you want something that feels considered not casual.

[Lori Gottlieb]

It's also enhanced with functional botanicals like Lion's Mane, Rishi and Damiana the effect is subtle. It supports being present now, sleeping better tonight and feeling good tomorrow.

[Gretchen Rubin]

What stands out is that it's not positioned as a wellness product. Taste comes first, the ritual comes first. It's something that belongs on the bar cart, not hidden in the fridge.

[Lori Gottlieb]

If you're looking for a sophisticated non alcoholic option that still feels like a real cocktail experience, Little Saints is worth exploring.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Visit littlesaints.com and discover your magic hour. Use the code since you asked to unlock 15% off if you're a therapist.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Listening, you already know the session itself is only part of the job. There's scheduling, notes, billing, insurance, follow ups, all of the administrative work that has to happen to keep a practice running.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And that work is mostly invisible, but it takes real time and mental energy.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Exactly, and that's why simple practice is designed the way it is. It's an all in one ehr that's HIPAA compliance, High Trust certified and built specifically for therapists. It brings scheduling, billing, insurance and client communication into one place so you're not constantly switching systems just to get through the day.

[Gretchen Rubin]

They also have automated appointment reminders to help reduce no shows and note templates that make documentation faster, which can make the business side feel a lot more manageable.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And if you're just starting out or you're growing your practice, there's a credentialing service that helps take take the headache out of insurance enrollment, which can be a heavy lift. So if you're ready to simplify the business side of your practice, now's a great time to try SimplePractice.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Start with a seven day free trial, then get 50% off your first three months. Just go to SimplePractice.com to claim the offer. Again, that's SimplePractice.com. And we are back with a question from Johnny who said something thoughtless, apologized but hasn't had his apology accepted and now he's struggling to let go of the episode which happened two years ago.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And here's what Johnny wrote. I'm wondering if you have some advice for self forgiveness. My situation is this. I'm part of a close knit social circle and there was a woman, let's call her Donna, who was a recent addition to the group. I said something in a group setting that was very thoughtless and I made Donna feel unwelcome as a relative newcomer. This wasn't my intention, but it was certainly the effect and if I had thought before speaking I would have realized how my words would have landed on her. Donna became very upset in the moment and left. I apologized twice. Once right away via text and once later that night via email. I tried to give the sincerest apologies I could. I wasn't making excuses for myself or giving one of those I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings type of apologies.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Donna did not forgive me and of course that's her prerogative. I know I'm not entitled to her forgiveness if I've hurt someone's feelings. But my question is, how can I forgive myself? This happened about two years ago and the incident still crosses my mind several times per week, causing me to feel ashamed. I'd like to think that unfortunate as the circumstance was, it taught me a valuable lesson and I would be able to move on, but I'm having trouble doing so.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Ugh. That feeling when you're like, could I just rewind 30 seconds from my life.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Time travel and make that not have happened. Yeah, yeah.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Careless moment. It just makes you squirm for so long afterward. Yeah. So the question here isn't the apology because the apology has been offered and rejected. The question is Johnny's feelings two years later. So what he's asking is, what do I do with those bad feelings? How can I forgive myself?

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Which is a very different question.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right. There's a difference between remorse, which he definitely feels, and punishment, which is kind of what he's doing to himself. Because we learn from remorse, that's teaching us a lesson. And he got the lesson. But punishment keeps us stuck and it doesn't serve any purpose. It's similar to the difference between guilt and shame. So guilt is instructive. It's good if you feel guilty when you did something that didn't align with your values. Right. So we want guilt, but shame is different. Shame is just self punishment and it doesn't serve any purpose.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So he's got these feelings, he's having that feeling of self punishment and the question is how to let go of it. But from this description, her response is probably not just about Johnny and what Johnny says. It seems disproportionate. From the description, it seems something else is going on with Donna and also maybe with Johnny, because two years later, still feeling these feelings, the self punishment, as you were pointing out. So what is going on where this exchange which was, it's too bad that it happened, but it seems that it has generated a disproportionate response in both of the actors.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right. And I think people forget that they're so focused on the incident. I said this, it was unfortunate. This was the response I feel terrible. But what is it in each of their histories that makes this experience loom so large for both of them? Where Donna feels like it's completely unforgivable and doesn't seem to have any movement there, and Johnny feels like, I can't stop beating myself up over this.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. So what's our advice? There's a couple things you can do. Just about thinking about what happened, you might consider writing the story of what happened. Research shows that when we put things into a narrative, it really helps us to see meaning and causes and to take a more transcendent perspective on what happened. A lot of times people get comfort and perspective from just writing out the story of what happened. And you might also try what's called distance self talk. This is when you talk about yourself in the third person, which creates psychological distance from those intense emotions. You're seeing yourself from the outside as a different person, and so you talk to yourself like somebody else. Johnny made a mistake two years ago and apologized sincerely and still feels really bad. What counsel would you give to Johnny? We often are much better at giving good advice to other people than we are to ourselves. So pretend that you're someone else, give that person good advice and then follow it yourself.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right. And we're also better at giving others compassion than we are giving ourselves self compassion. So when you write it in the third person, what happens is you are looking at yourself the way a friend might look at you.

[Gretchen Rubin]

You're sort of activating the compassion.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes. If somebody else were telling you this story, would you say, you know what, you're a terrible person and you should really be be beating yourself up several times a week two years later. You probably wouldn't feel that way if somebody told you this story that you cared about.

[Gretchen Rubin]

If you get a stab of bad feeling, you might perform a kind action that would make something good from these feelings and remind yourself that you do care for other people's and you do have consideration for others. That also might help assuage your bad feelings.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. I think it's about reminding yourself that you did learn something from this. For example, in the last two years, have you said something like that to somebody else? Probably not. And what did you learn about yourself? And what did you learn about what was triggered in you that made you say the thing that you did? So you've grown from this experience. And somebody who is not a nice person doesn't grow from the experience. They just want the other person to take them off the hook and forgive them. But they're not thinking about, what can I do differently? What is my role in this? And you've done all of that. There's really nothing more that you can do at this point other than take the lesson and bring that into your other interactions that you're having in the present instead of living two years from the past.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And something else that might be a comforting thought. This is something that my husband Jamie said to somebody who a friend of ours really screwed up in a major way. And Jamie had the perfect response. And Lori, you just said this to me earlier today because I screwed up on something. Oh, I did. And you responded and you said, hey, Gretchen, we've all done it. And it's so comforting because it's true. We've all done it. Have we all made a careless remark that hurts somebody's feelings? Of course we've all done it. So I felt comforted when you told it to me, Lori. And maybe that is a thought that can comfort Johnny.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. And it's important for all of us to remember that everybody has done something that they feel bad about and wish that things had been different. You're not alone in this. And it's really comforting to hear when somebody says and they mean it. I meant it when I said that to you earlier. Earlier, Gretchen. It's like, I've done that, too. We've all done it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And it's comforting because it's true.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yep. Yes. So we're going to take a quick break, but coming up, TV personality and author Chrissy Teigen asks us for some advice, and that's in our segment. Even celebrities need advice. But first, this break.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Cozy really clicked for us because Cozy furniture is designed to make your home comfortable, modern, and practical. It's furniture that actually fits real life, not just how a room looks in photos.

[Lori Gottlieb]

What stands out about Cozy is that it's designed to fit your space and your style because it's customized by you. Cozy focuses on smart design, adaptable style and comfort that can change over time, which matters when life doesn't stay the same.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That flexibility is huge. Cozy believes that you should have your home home your way. Their modular furniture lets you change layouts, update colors, and adjust how things work without starting over. Plus, Cozy makes furniture shopping easier with free design consultants who help you get the most out of your space.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And emotionally, Cozy really gets it. Life at home is not picture perfect. It's messy and busy and quiet all at once. Cozy furniture is designed to meet you where you are with pieces of that shift when you need space. Hidden storage that helps with clutter and washable fabrics that forgive everyday accidents.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Cozy makes furnishing your home easy.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Transform your living space today with cozy. Visit cozy.com spelled C O Z E Y the home of possibilities made easy. If you've ever wished that you could sit in on honest conversations between couples, the kind that usually happen behind closed doors, this is one worth listening to.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Jay Shetty has a new Audible original series called Messy Difficult Conversations for Deeper Connection. And it's not about perfect love. It's about practiced love.

[Lori Gottlieb]

In each episode, Jay guides three couples as they work through real issues. Resentment, broken trust, old patterns that keep showing up. There's no script, no filters and no certainty about the how things will turn out.

[Gretchen Rubin]

You're listening in as they navigate the complicated terrain of modern relationships. And through those coaching sessions, Jay shares tools you can actually use. Things like communicating with clarity and compassion, breaking cycles of blame and withdrawal, creating emotional safety and rebuilding trust.

[Lori Gottlieb]

There are also moments about turning everyday interactions into rituals of appreciation, which feels especially relevant when relationships get busy or stressful.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Emotional, inspirational, and at moments even transformational. This is messy love.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Listen to Jay Shetty's new Audible original series, Messy Love Difficult Conversations for deeper connection.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Go to audible.com messylove to start listening today.

[Lori Gottlieb]

China's changing the way people bank Fee free and smarter banking built for you. Not like old school banks that charge you overdraft and monthly fees.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Chime isn't just another banking app. They unlock smarter banking for everyday people with products like MyPay giving you access to up to $500 of your paycheck anytime and getting paid up to two days early with direct deposit. Some old banks still don't do this.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Forget overdraft fees, minimum balance fees and monthly fees.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And Chime turns everyday spending into real rewards and progress.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Bank free overdraft coverage you can count on. Amazon helps you build credit history stress free. Get paid when you say up to $500. Earn up to 3% APY on savings 8 times higher than a traditional bank. Rated 5 stars by USA Today for customer service. Real humans 247 and they have the Chime card.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It's the new way to build credit history with your own money and get rewarded every single day. No annual fees, no interest and no strings attached. And when you get get qualifying direct deposits, you get 1.5% cash back on eligible Chime card purchases. My younger self would have benefited from this, especially the paycheck part. I can see how having more control there would change the whole week. Chime is not just smarter Banking. It is the most rewarding way to bank. Join the millions who are already banking free today. It takes just a few minutes to sign up. Head to chime.comsince you asked. That is chime.comsince you asked. And now we're back. And let's hear a question from Chrissy Teigen. I had the chance to have a conversation with Chrissy Teigen for her podcast, Self Conscious. After we recorded, we were chatting and she asked for some advice. Here's what she had to say.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I want advice on how to be a better friend.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I grew up moving around a lot.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And so it kind of lent itself to me not really having, like, lasting long connections with people. I want to check in on them better. I want to know what their sister does for a living. I want to know if both their parents are still together. Like, sometimes things get so surface because we are so busy and moving all the time that I don't feel like I'm a great friend to many people.

[Gretchen Rubin]

You know, it's interesting that Chrissy says that she grew up moving around a lot and she feels that has made it harder to form long lasting friendships with people as an adult, because a friend of mine grew up in a military family and she moved all the time. And she said to me, people who move a lot as kids get really good at forging bonds that are quick but shallow. They have to integrate themselves into new groups all the time. And so they're very quick, but they don't have those deep roots. And it sounds like Chrissy is experiencing this too. And now as an adult, she really wants to have deeper connections with the people who are her friends today.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And it's true, because friendships do take time and energy and everybody's so busy, and it's hard as an adult to make new friends and maintain the friendships. But I'm glad that she's asking about that because it's a huge element in having a happy life.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It can be harder to maintain friendships as an adult, to have that time and that energy. Just the scheduling is challenging, not getting distracted, making sure that it stays a priority. I think it's something that a lot of people really want to do a better job, to show the people that are our friends how much we care about them and that we really do want to invest in those relationships, deepen them and make them more meaningful.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. And I think Chrissy should know that this is a problem not just for people who grew up moving around a lot, but it's a real problem for so many of us.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, yes.

[Lori Gottlieb]

So I think this advice is going to be relevant to everybody.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I think it's one of the most common things that people talk about in adulthood. Yeah. So it's a great question.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. Okay, so what's our advice?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, one thing is when you ask questions, you might ask questions that really prompt more thoughtful answer to try to get past, how are you? I'm fine. But something like what's been keeping you busy? Or what's new since the last time we talked or what's taking up your mental energy these days to try to get people to talk about what's really going on.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And I think the specificity is what gets you that deeper conversation and it's really being held in mind and knowing what's happening in their lives. Did your brother just have surgery? Are the kids leaving for summer camp? Is it the anniversary of a mother's death? Just knowing that these are the things going on in their lives will get you much more than just, hey, how are you? We haven't talked in a while.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. It's that following up and being like, oh, I'm thinking of you. I care about how things are turning out. I'm a big believer. If something's important to me, find a place for it on the calendar.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yep.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Maybe there's a time each day when you're kind of in a place where it's a good time to text or email or call or when you have a little bit of downtime where maybe instead of scrolling you say, okay, when I'm in the carpool lane, that's when I'm going to think about my friends and do that follow up text. Like, how did that surgery go? Or I saw that this movie's coming out and we were talking about how we wanted to go see it together. Knowing that you have that time every day, it sounds funny to try to make friendship more efficient, are more regularized. I think sometimes we feel like it should be very spontaneous. But a lot of times something that can be done at any time is done at no time. And so if you set aside a particular time of day to do it, it's easier to get it done.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. And I think having shared experiences is really important because it's not just about talking, it's about just being together. Like you were somewhere and this funny thing happened and remember the person at the restaurant, at the table next to us, you just have these shared experiences. And so what are some things that you would do anyway? Do you want to take a walk Anyway, do you want to go See this show. Anyway, remember to ask your friends to go along with you. So you're using time with your friends to do things that you enjoy. And so it's not chore. Oh, well, we haven't seen each other in a while. Let's have lunch. Well, sure, but maybe there's some activities that you both like that you can do together.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Wait, and here, Laurie, this is something I'd add to that to make that even better for friendships. Can you have a group that does it regularly? Because that way you see each other regularly, you have that kind of relationship that can form where you're really seeing people over time. Then if you miss one time, that's fine, but then you know that next time you're going to do that monthly hike or you have that book group or you're all volunteering at school together or whatever. Again, it sounds funny to talk about efficiency, but having a group that meets makes it easier to stay in touch with a group of people than trying to do a lot of things one on one. And if you're doing something together, as you say, there's that activity aspect to it. One thing that I think is a good thing to keep in mind is saying, like, I want to be a better friend to all my friends. That can feel overwhelming because we all have many people that we would say are our friends. And of course there's close friends and dear friends and best friends and new friends. There's all different kinds of friends. So maybe make this manageable by saying, who are the friends for whom I really want to show up in this deeper way? You can't do this for 15 people so that you don't just feel like you're letting everybody down or doing 70% for everybody, really say, well, who are the people that I do want to go to this new level and I am going to really invest this time and energy into it so that it feels more manageable because you don't want to feel defeated because you're not able to keep up with every person, which isn't realistic.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I also think that social media makes us feel like we need to have so many friends. And the research shows that people are happiest when they have one or two really good close friends. And so we have different friends for different things. So remember that it's not like you have to have these deep relationships with every friend. It's that there's the friend that you can call at 3 in the morning and the friend you can cry to and the friend that you like to just joke around with, but you don't have a real deep relationship or the friend you like to do a certain activity with. So there's different friends for different things and then it doesn't feel so overwhelming. It's I want to deepen my relationship with these friends and here's how I'm going to do it. But I really like seeing these other friends or talking to these other friends. It's not as if you have to have the same relationship with every single friend.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, I mean, it might seem a little strange to sit down with a piece of paper and make a friend chart, but I bet it would be very illuminating. This is making me want to do this too. And what are the clusters of friends that are in my own life? That would be a really helpful exercise.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And it's not about whether a friend is less valuable when you make this friend chart. It's just what kind of relationship do I want to have with each of these people because they're all valuable to me, but in different ways.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, for a good example, I love children's literature and I had these children's literature reading groups and there are people who I never see outside of the children's literature reading groups, but they've been meeting for years and years and years. So these people are such good friends of mine, but they're very particular friend. I'm not calling them up at 3am, but they're still really important to me. I have found a time and a way to have them be part of my life which is different from the way that it is with other people. What a great question and we would love to hear people's responses because this is such a pressing concern and it's so important for a happy life. This is something that is really worth reflecting on.

[Lori Gottlieb]

If any of you have advice to add to our advice to Chrissy, please let us [e-mail] and now before we.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Go, are you ready to give some advice? Here is a question we will discuss in the next episode and we'd love to hear your thoughts so be thinking about how you might respond. This listener asked to be anonymous and writes As a mother of two young kids, three and under, I am feeling self imposed pressure to establish traditions now that will make the seasons magical for them this year and every year. But as a result all of our weekends and free time have quickly filled up. I already feel badly for over scheduling us and I feel that I may have gone overboard. I am craving quiet still time, yet I can see that I have taken us in the opposite direction. How can I balance my competing desire to do it all and create magical, memorable moments with my intuition that little kids just want quality time together? How can I get my extra tendencies under control without worrying that my kids will be missing out? Oh, Lori, I think a lot of people are gonna identify with this one.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I'm excited to talk about this next week and to hear what you might have to share with this listener. So please let us know and we will address this next episode.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And that is it for today. There are so many interesting things points to ponder from this conversation. Lori.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah, I wonder if one of our listeners would like to make a list of some of the things that they remember from each episode and we will post it and share it. So if anybody feels like, hey, here are some good points that I want to remember from this episode that maybe other people do too, we would welcome anybody taking that on.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Oh, kind of like a highlight reel that somebody created. Love that.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. Well, remember to send us your questions. We love hearing them. Big or small. We read them all. I can't resist. We really want you to weigh in. Let us know theseinceyouasskpodcast.com and as always, we love it if you rate or review the show, if you follow the show, and most of all, word of mouth is the best. That's how people discover the show. So if you tell a friend or a family member about it, that is a really big help to us. And remember, whether this podcast changes your life or just makes you laugh, we're glad you're here.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Since you asked is for entertainment purposes only and isn't a substitute for professional advice. By sending us your question, you're agreeing.

[Gretchen Rubin]

We may use it on the show.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And edit it for length or clarity.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Are you looking for ways to make your everyday life happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative? I'm Gretchen Rubin, the number one best bestselling author of the Happiness Project, bringing you fresh insights and practical solutions in the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast. My co host and happiness guinea pig is my sister, Elizabeth Craft. That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer in Hollywood. Join us as we explore ideas and hacks about cultivating happiness and good habits. Check out Happier with Gretchen Rubin from Lemonada Media.