Should You Feel Offended If You Can’t Meet Your New Grandchild in Person? Plus: Quitting Without a Backup Plan

Summary

Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin

Episode: “Should You Feel Offended If You Can’t Meet Your New Grandchild in Person? Plus: Quitting Without a Backup Plan”
Date: May 19, 2026
Host: Lemonada Media

---

Episode Overview

This episode kicks off Season 3 with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin tackling dilemmas about modern family boundaries and taking personal leaps. The main topics are:

• A grandparent’s feelings about not being able to visit their newborn grandchild due to “cocooning” practices.
• Listener feedback on setting boundaries in workplace relationships (“work wife”) and quitting jobs without a backup plan.
• Intergenerational boundaries and the wisdom (and risk) of walking away from a known path.

The tone is conversational, supportive, and reflective, drawing on both hosts’ personal and professional experiences, as well as rich listener responses.

---

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Listener Responses: The “Work Wife” Dilemma

[03:46–07:50]

• Recap of Jessica’s Question: Jessica was uncomfortable with her boyfriend’s close relationship with a “work wife,” which involved flirty, physically affectionate behavior and references to sleeping together. She’s told she’s overreacting and seeks to know if boundaries are fair.
• Wide Range of Listener Views:
  • Professional Boundaries & Terminology: One anonymous listener objects to the term “work wife” as demeaning and boundary-blurring.

    “It blurs professional boundaries. It trivializes marriage, or in this case, their relationship, and diminishes women professionally.” – Anonymous [04:00]

  • Reality Check and Red Flags: Another listener, Claire, emphatically calls the situation inappropriate, citing her own experience where a similar dynamic led to her marriage ending.

    “Partner’s behavior is so full of red flags. Please pay attention...” – Claire [05:08]

  • Dismissal of Feelings: Lori reminds that recurring dismissal (“You’re overthinking it”) can make people question their reality.

    “It makes that one person in the couple doubt themselves and question reality...” – Lori Gottlieb [05:23]

  • Ethical Perspective: Another anonymous voice warns, “this relationship is unethical…he’s not going to change. Either accept his behavior or move on.”
  • HR Perspective: Gloria, via voice memo, notes, “That’s an HR issue that could go sideways in a hurry... violation in most companies...” [07:12]
• Synthesis: Both hosts highlight that validating your own boundaries is important—writing in can clarify what you already sense.

---

2. Main Question: Not Meeting the New Grandchild Due to "Cocooning"

[08:35–15:05]

• Grandparent’s Dilemma: Newly-minted grandparent asks if she should feel offended at not being allowed to visit the newborn, as parents “cocoon” until vaccinations are complete.
• Hosts’ Empathic Perspectives:
  • Cocooning Is Real: Gretchen affirms this is a genuine, pediatrician-recommended protocol for newborn health.

    “Cocooning really is a thing... Newborns don’t have great immune systems... Pediatricians recommend limiting exposure...” – Gretchen Rubin [09:24]

  • Parent Bonding Time: Lori notes it’s also about parents finding rhythm and not feeling pressured to host visitors, even beloved family.

    “They’re trying to get their footing, understand the baby... visitors... can feel overwhelming...” – Lori Gottlieb [10:14]

  • Generational Framing: Many grandparents may find the new rules excessive, but this is a typical generational dynamic.

    “With every generation, you hear people, like, ‘Well, in my day, we did this and we turned out just fine.’” – Gretchen Rubin [11:20]

  • Temporary and Flexible: The hard lines often soften with subsequent children and confidence.

    “With the first baby, if the pacifier falls, you pick it up and boil it... the third one, you pull it out of the dog’s mouth and stick it in the baby’s mouth.” – Gretchen Rubin [11:37, paraphrased joke]

  • Practical Support: Ways to be involved without visiting include FaceTime, errands, or dropped-off meals. Showing respect (e.g., washing hands) builds trust for long-term relationships.

    “You are setting the tone for your future relationship with this grandchild... be respectful, honor their rules, be enthusiastic and cooperative.” – Lori Gottlieb [12:48]

• Advice Takeaway: Don’t personalize the boundary—it’s about health, not exclusion. You have opportunities to support from afar and set foundations for a strong relationship.

Notable Quotes:

• “This is not about you… they’re limiting all visits. It’s not a reflection of how excited they are for you to be a grandparent.” – Gretchen Rubin [10:48]
• “The more you can be supportive, the more that will pay off, not only in your relationship with your son and daughter in law, but also for the grandchild.” – Lori Gottlieb [12:48]

---

3. Intergenerational Boundaries & Family Rules

[15:05–15:37]

• Broader Question Raised: Disagreement around “cocooning” sparks a broader discussion on boundaries—grandparents vs. parent rules (junk food, screens, bedtime, manners).
• Invitation for Stories: The hosts encourage listeners to share their experiences with generational rule clashes.

---

4. Wisdom of Crowds: Quitting Without a Backup Plan

[19:06–24:16]

• Poll Results: 67% of listeners have quit something without a backup; 33% have not.
• Listener Stories:
  • Career Switches: Anna quit finance and became a teacher [19:32]. Jackie left insurance for education [19:59].
  • Embracing Risk: Yvonne quit jobs and solo-traveled, gaining enrichment [20:14]. Kathy’s stress-driven job exit led to conception and unique work-from-home opportunity [20:32].
  • Timing and Intuition: Eric, after quitting, was able to support his terminally ill father and then found rewarding work [21:57]. Jacqueline notes, “The universe hates a void. Once you clear away the not so good, it will provide you a much better opportunity.” [22:19]
• Personal Reflections:
  • Lori: Quit a job with a vague medical school idea, not a backup but the leap mattered [22:38].

    “The longer I stayed, the less I was able to have the space to think about what do I want to do.” – Lori Gottlieb [22:54]

  • Gretchen: Left law for writing, felt it was a plan at the time but now sees it wasn’t robust [23:35].

    “Looking back, it didn’t seem like much of a backup plan. But at the time, it felt like, okay, I have my to-do list.” – Gretchen Rubin [23:35]

• Sunk Cost Fallacy: Gretchen connects difficulty leaving a path to investment already made: “I’ve put so much into this career. How can I walk away...” [23:21]
• Encouragement: These stories illustrate possibilities and benefits of risk—even when outcomes aren’t guaranteed.

---

5. Preview: Next Week’s Dilemma—Family Secrets

[28:38–29:50]

• Upcoming Question: Should a widow tell her grown children about her late husband’s years-long affair, or protect their father’s legacy?
• Complexity of Secrets: The topic echoes from previous seasons and listeners are encouraged to share input on handling such family revelations.

---

Memorable Moments & Quotes

• “Partner’s behavior is so full of red flags. Please pay attention to them.” – Claire [05:08]
• “This isn’t just something they idiosyncratically made up. This is a real strategy that doctors support.” – Gretchen Rubin on cocooning [09:24]
• “Remember that you are setting the tone for your future relationship with this grandchild and this family.” – Lori Gottlieb [12:48]
• “The universe hates a void. Once you clear away the not so good, it will provide you a much better opportunity.” – Jacqueline [22:19]
• “I think taking the leap gives you the space to figure out what your next steps are.” – Lori Gottlieb [22:54]

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:46] Listener reactions to the “work wife” question.
• [08:35] Main advice question: Cocooning and grandparent boundaries.
• [15:05] Generational boundaries discussion and call for listener stories.
• [19:06] Wisdom of Crowds: Quitting without a backup plan.
• [22:38] Hosts’ personal stories about taking leaps.
• [28:38] Preview of next week’s “family secrets” question.

---

Episode Takeaways

• New Parent Boundaries: “Cocooning” is a genuine health practice; don’t take exclusion personally. Supporting new parents’ choices benefits the whole family’s future relationships.
• Work Relationships: Terms like “work wife” can signal boundary issues—trust your instincts, don’t accept repeated dismissal of your discomfort, and recognize HR implications.
• Quitting with No Net: Many listeners and both hosts have leapt without full plans—stories range from career transformation to serendipitous timing. Sometimes, letting go of the known is crucial for growth.
• Upcoming Topic—Secrets: Family truths and legacies: how, when, and why to reveal hidden chapters.

---

For more listener wisdom or to submit your own dilemma, visit sinceyouaskpodcast.com. The show maintains a warm, validating, and thoughtful tone—offering both emotional insight and practical advice for life’s sticky questions.

Transcript

[Lori Gottlieb]

Lemonade

[Gretchen Rubin]

Amazon Health AI presents Painful Thoughts I I can't stop scratching my downtown. Mm, yeah, but I'm not itching to go downtown and tell a receptionist I'm here to talk about my downtown. Some things you'd rather type than say out loud. There's no question too embarrassing for Amazon Health AI. Chat your symptoms and get virtual care 24. 7 Healthcare just got less painful.

[Lori Gottlieb]

My son and daughter in law just had my first grandchild. I am thrilled. But we are not allowed to come to visit the baby at all. As they have said they are cocooning until the baby gets its vaccinations. How do I accept this and not be offended?

[Gretchen Rubin]

What do they mean by limiting exposure?

[Lori Gottlieb]

I think if the grandparent understands why the son and daughter in law are doing this, they might feel less upset about it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Hey Lori.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Hi Gretchen.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Hello everyone. Welcome to Sen Tzu Asked, a podcast where Lori and I give our best advice to listeners who are struggling with a dilemma. Whether big or small. We give our perspectives and we also include a lot of responses from you our since you asked listeners, I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness habits human nature. I also host the podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And I'm Laurie Gottlieb. I'm a psychotherapist and the author of maybe youe Should Talk to Someone. I also write the Ask the Therapist advice column for the New York Times.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And we are back with season three. Laurie, I have missed talking advice with you.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I know. And I'm so excited to start back up with this.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I know. Dig in and catch up with all the responses that we got.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes. We've been getting so many responses in between the season and I'm glad we're gonna be able to share them now.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Absolutely. So this week we will be talking about how a new grandparent might respond to the new parents desire to keep visitors away from their newborn baby. We will share your thoughts on a question from last season about a wife's reservations about her husband's relationship with his, quote, work wife. And we'll hear from you about the value, or not of quitting without a backup plan. But first, let's get to some updates. Let's catch up with what we've heard from listeners since last last episode. We got so many interesting responses to several questions we discussed in last season and in particular, wow, people had a lot to say about the work wife question.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yep, the work wife brought up a lot for a lot of people. And because it's been a little while, let's review the Question before we share your responses. This was from Jessica, and it went like this. I just met my boyfriend's work wife, and I feel off about it. He's talked about her for years, always made it sound like harmless work stuff. Recently, I saw a text from her joking that everyone at work thinks they're sleeping together. He said it was nothing and invited me to meet her. She's not older like he implied. She's close to our age and very touchy with him. Arm touching, leaning on him, kissed his cheek. At one point, she started crying about being lonely, and he comforted her like this was normal. She also openly talked about sleeping with coworkers and sending nudes to get favors at work, which made me feel worse, not better. He says, I'm overthinking. And that quote, that's just how she is. They work together, so I can't ask for no contact. Am I being insecure, or is it fair to want boundaries here? What would those even be?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay, so much to talk about. We got into it in length, and here are what some of you listeners said. Someone who wanted to be anonymous wrote, I just wanted to write to say that I object to the term work wife. I think it's demeaning. It blurs professional boundaries. It trivializes marriage, or in this case, their relationship, and diminishes women professionally. I would encourage the woman who wrote into your show to start with asking her boyfriend to rethink his use of that term. In a way, it gives his coworker permission to behave the way she does by referring to her as his work wife. Interesting.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I see her point. And also, I think we should make it clear that we don't really know if the letter writer, if Jessica is calling this person the work wife, or if her boyfriend was calling his coworker his work wife. It's a good point. I wonder, do you think people say work husband, too? Have you heard that, Gretchen?

[Gretchen Rubin]

I have heard people say work husband, but I sort of agree with Anonymous. It raises all kinds of associations that can make people uncomfortable, and it's not professional. I don't use that term myself. I think that's. That's a good point.

[Lori Gottlieb]

It's almost like the term itself starts blurring the boundary already.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right? Exactly. Exactly. And then Claire wrote on the work wife issue, that is a hard, hard boundary for me. My own husband had a friendship that was similar, although she was not as inappropriate as this, quote, work wife. And he minimized and dismissed my concerns. A year after he left me, they were living together this Partner's behavior is so full of red flags. Please pay attention to them. If there's like, red flag after red flag after red flag, see them?

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes. Go back to the episode in which we talked about this, because it was almost like every sentence had a new red flag in it. But I do see this a lot, what Claire is bringing up, where there's a dismissal of the person's feelings, and it makes that one person in the couple doubt themselves and question reality. And I think that's why Jessica wrote into us, because I think she was starting to doubt her reality because he kept saying, it's no big deal. That's not what this is.

[Gretchen Rubin]

You're overthinking it like you're being suspicious or paranoid.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Behaviors were just objectively inappropriate.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Just side note, I think that's one of the benefits of writing into something like this is a lot of times, just by writing, the question sounds like you already know the answer. You know what I mean? So it's just writing it down. You think, what would I say if somebody else showed me this question? I think I know what I would say.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah, I think that's really helpful. And somebody who wanted to be anonymous said, with regards to the work wife, although your boyfriend is playing it down, this relationship is unethical. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life questioning his relationships, think very seriously about ending the relationship with your boyfriend. This is where he stands ethically. He's not going to change. Either accept his behavior or move on. Trust me, if it's not her, it will be someone else. No woman should send your boyfriend a message saying, people think we are having sex. In my humble opinion, she wants to have sex with him. This is the way she is opening the door to sex. Good luck. If you stick with him, you'll need it. Our advice was, why don't you have a conversation about what your values are? And then if you disagree, then I think anonymous is right, because you're not gonna change his values. But it's a good conversation to have to understand. Why don't you think this is a problem?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. This is openly, extremely flirtatious in quotation behavior. And then Gloria sent us this voice memo.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I'm calling about the person who was asking about the office wife. That's an HR issue that could go

[Gretchen Rubin]

sideways in a hurry. I never heard you talk about the

[Lori Gottlieb]

human resources side of things. That's definitely a violation of most companies,

[Gretchen Rubin]

and I hope he sees that.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Well, Gloria has an excellent point. And we were addressing the relationship dynamics that Jessica was writing in about. But it is worth highlighting and I'm glad Gloria sent us that voice memo. It's worth highlighting that this is of course something that HR would not allow.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, 100%. Which is even more of a red flag because it's clearly so inappropriate and yet they're engaging in this behavior and dismissing it as unimportant. Excellent point, Gloria. Clearly this question struck a nerve. It was great to hear from. Even though people were basically agreeing they brought different elements or different considerations to the problem. That's always interesting if you have something you'd like to add. Another point we haven't discussed yet, get in [e-mail] and one thing is well done, Gloria, for keeping your response short when you're sending in a question or comment. If you can keep it under two minutes, that's really helpful to everybody. And now we have a new advice question. Here it is.

[Lori Gottlieb]

The question this week is from a listener who wanted to be anonymous. And here is the question. My son and daughter in law just had my first grandchild. I am thrilled. But we are not allowed to come to visit the baby at all. As they have said, they are cocooning until the baby gets its vaccinations. Is this really a new thing with parenting? How do I accept this and not be offended? First of all, it must be so hard when it's your first grandchild or any grandchild. Any grandchild, right? I think especially the first and you wanna see that baby right away. And at the same time, these parents have reasons and the grandparent might be understandably disappointed. I think if the grandparent understands why the son and daughter in law are doing this, they might feel less upset about it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right? Because the thing is, cocooning really is a thing. This isn't just something that they idiosyncratically made up. This is a real strategy that doctors support. The fact is newborns don't have great immune systems and they're at their most vulnerable in those early weeks of life before their vaccines kick in. And so often this cocooning period is for the first few months. Pediatricians do recommend limiting exposure, but the fact is people vary dramatically on how they frame that. What do they mean by limiting exposure? They're really limiting exposure, whereas for somebody else they might have a different level that they're comfortable with. But the fact is new parents often are really super conscientious. This is their first time. They wanna do everything by the book and they're just being very scrupulous as new parents. And Trying to do the best for the baby.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. And there's another part of it, too, which is it's also a time when parents wanna bond with the baby. And having visitors, even parents can feel a little bit chaotic. As the new parents are trying to get their footing, they're trying to get in a rhythm, they're trying to understand the baby, and they want some calm and not have to worry about other people. And sometimes they feel like they have to entertain people or do, you know, have you eaten anything? Do you have something to drink? Can I take care of you? And sometimes that just feels overwhelming when you have a new baby in the house.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Should I be offended? The thing is, this is not about you. It is not aimed at you personally. They're limiting all visits. So it's not a reflection of how excited they are for you to be a grandparent and to meet the baby. This is a temporary situation that will pass. And so if the question is, should I be offended? It's really just a general rule that they're following because they think it's the right thing for their baby. It's very common for grandparents to think that the parents are, like, following all these silly fads. Like, with every generation, you hear people like, well, in my day, we did

[Lori Gottlieb]

this and we turned out just fine.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. And you people like, this is bonkers what you're doing. So this is something that kind of generation to generation sort of ideas change, practices change. It's also the case that many parents, Lori, I don't know if you would say this about yourself, that they start out super strict and scrupulous when they're like, everything is brand new. But then as parenting continues and maybe they feel a little bit more comfortable in the role. There's an old joke that says, with the first baby, if the pacifier falls on the floor, you pick it up and boil it to clean it. With the second baby, you pick up the pacifier, put it in your own mouth, swish it around, and stick it in the baby's mouth. The third one, you pull the pacifier out of the dog's mouth and stick it straight into the baby's mouth. So just a little bit of an overstatement to the fact that this is temporary. And they very well may feel more comfortable loosening the rules as they feel more comfortable in their roles.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. And one thing you can do to make them more comfortable when you do meet the baby is just wash your hands, maybe put a blanket over your clothes, even if it feels like overkill to you. It will help everybody relax a little bit.

[Gretchen Rubin]

My daughter Eliza was born really, really early and I so appreciated when people would just, they didn't wait for me to ask, when people were just like, oh, where should I wash my hands? Or you know, how do I do it? Because we had to be so careful since she was so little. It is a sign of consideration. And that also I think by showing that kind of consideration, you show that you do respect their rules. And that's going to make them more comfortable just in the whole grandparent relationship, if they feel like you do respect them, their roles.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right. So what's our advice going along with what we were just saying about respecting their roles? Remember that you are setting the tone for your future relationship with this grandchild and this family. So be respectful, honor their rules, be enthusiastic and cooperative. They're trying to establish themselves as parents and your role is to support them in this effort. It's not about them excluding you, it's about how can you support them. And the more you can be supportive, the more that will pay off, not only in your relationship with your son and your daughter in law, but also for the grandchild. You're modeling healthy intergenerational relationships so they can see, oh, this is how people who maybe have some different ideas about things can be supportive and can get along well.

[Gretchen Rubin]

One thing, just like in terms of the framing in your own mind, because sometimes just the way we frame things can make a big difference in our attitude. And then our behavior is, instead of saying, my kids are following every faddish thing in parenting and they're following all these bonkers rules that make no sense, you could say these new parents are being very conscientious. They're really trying to do everything that they can to be the best parents that they can, which is obviously something that you want for your grandchild. You want them to have conscientious parents who take their role very seriously.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And it's also, it's not all or nothing. It's not as if you can't be involved at all. So the question is, how can you connect and how can you contribute while honoring their approach? And maybe you might offer to do errands for them or drop off meals or have FaceTime calls. There are different ways that maybe you can get involved and share in the excitement of it without actually being face to face with the baby quite yet.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And when you do that, when you establish, I wanna play a role here, however that works out for all of us is great. That's gonna help as time goes on because you're just showing your willingness to step in. However, and also one thing again, speaking for myself, there's nothing a new parent loves more than just like talking endlessly about the new baby. And if you're the one that is, just tell me every single thing I'm interested in, detail, every little nuance. They'll be thrilled to have you as an audience because they know that you love that child and care about that child the way that they do. And that's another way to build closeness, even if you're not in the same room because you're showing your attentiveness and your tenderness.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah, this raises a really interesting question about intergenerational boundaries and families. And so if any of you as a grandparent or a parent have experienced something like this, sometimes it comes up later. Not when they're babies, but later about maybe permitting junk food or screens or staying up late table manners. How do you handle disagreements between the generations about grandchildren? We wanna hear your stories. Let us know at the since you asked podcast.com yeah, it's very common for

[Gretchen Rubin]

people to be like, oh, there's grandparent rules and there's some kind of different kinds of rules. Sometimes the rules are stricter, sometimes the rules are looser. But it's just interesting. How do we work out these differences? Coming up, it's time for our popular segment Wisdom of Crowds where we report on listeners responses to some thought provoking question. And this time it's about quitting without a backup plan. But first, this break. A lot of people avoid strength training because it feels like you need to know what you're doing before you even start, what exercises to pick, how heavy to lift, whether your form is right. It can feel like a lot.

[Lori Gottlieb]

That's what makes Tonal so great. Tonal provides the convenience of a full gym and the guidance of a personal trainer anytime at home with one sleek system.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And it's designed to simplify the whole process. After a quick assessment, Tonal sets the optimal weight for every move and adjusts in 1 pound increments as you get stronger, keeping you challenged.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Plus you get real time coaching cues during workouts so you're not guessing whether you're doing a movement correctly. It helps you lift more safely and

[Gretchen Rubin]

effectively, and there's a wide range of workouts from strength to arrow hit, yoga and mobility so you can change things up and stay consistent.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right now, Tonal is offering our listeners $200 off your tonal purchase with promo code. Since you asked, that's Tonal.com and use

[Gretchen Rubin]

promo code since you asked for $200 off your purchase.

[Lori Gottlieb]

That's Tonal.com promo code since you asked for $200 off this message is sponsored by Greenlight.

[Gretchen Rubin]

One thing that's tricky about teaching kids about money is that conversations only go so far. At some point, kids need practice about actually earning, saving and spending money themselves.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And that's what Greenlight is designed for. Greenlight is a debit card and money app built for families. Parents can send money quickly and see how their kids spend and save while kids get real world experience managing money.

[Gretchen Rubin]

What's interesting is that it gives parents more visibility than cash, but also more flexibility than a traditional bank setup. You can set spending controls, get real time notifications, and guide kids while they're still learning.

[Lori Gottlieb]

There's also a chores feature that connects work and earnings in a really tangible way. Parents can set one time or recurring tasks, kids complete them and allowance earnings are tracked right in the app. The Streak feature also helps reinforce consistency

[Gretchen Rubin]

over time, and the app includes games that teach money concepts in a way that feels interactive instead of luxury. Which honestly matters if you want kids to stay engaged.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Millions of parents and kids already use Greenlight. It's one of the easiest ways to help kids build smart money habits. While parents still stay involved every day

[Gretchen Rubin]

they're handling money without guidance is a missed opportunity. Start your risk free Greenlight trial [e-mail] since you asked. Don't wait to teach your kids real world money skills. That's greenlight.com since you asked to get started. Greenlight.com since you asked Amazon Health AI presents painful thoughts I I can't stop scratching my downtown. Mm, yeah, but I'm not itching to go downtown and tell a receptionist I'm here to talk about my downtown. Some things you'd rather type than say out loud. There's no question too embarrassing for Amazon Health AI. Chat your symptoms and get virtual care 24. 7 Healthcare just got less painful.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And we're back with our segment Wisdom of Crowds where we post a thought provoking question on social media and we report back on how you all responded. This week's question was have you ever quit something without a backup plan? And how did it turn out? So 67% of you said you have yes and 33% of you said no

[Gretchen Rubin]

and it was so interesting to read the answers. So Anna said, I quit a career in finance. Woke up one day and realized I couldn't do it anymore. The hours and stress were going to kill me. I took Two years off and got a master's in education and have loved my new career for 25 years. I look at my check and remember I used to make that in one day. But no regrets. I'm happy and I have the summers off for adventures. So she just in one day decided she couldn't do it. Interesting.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And Jackie did something similar. She said, I quit my job as an insurance person at a busy medical office in hopes to get even an assistant teacher position at a school. I am finishing my 20th year teaching in May. I was a bit scared to jump off there, but it worked.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yvonne said, I've done it many times, especially career opportunities and solo travel. When I come out on the other side, I'm proud of myself because the outcome is enriching my brain, physical and mental well being. Oh, that's interesting. She's done it many times. Okay. So high tolerance for risk.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes. And I like the solo travel. You don't know what's going to happen. And Kathy said I was overworked and underappreciated. I think many people have experienced that. We had been trying to conceive but the stress from work was making it impossible. I up and quit one day without a plan. Apparently I successfully conceived that weekend. And 18 months later my old employer called and asked me to work part time at home. Suddenly I had a kid, a job and I was the only person in my 2500 employers workplace that was allowed to work at home years before COVID it worked out amazingly well.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It's interesting that there's this real pattern of people up and quitting jobs. They're describing it almost impulsively and then it works out very well. I think a lot of people are like really afraid of doing something like this. It's good to hear that people are having these positive experiences.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. For anyone out there who's felt like, well, I've been teetering on the edge of this, maybe these people will inspire the idea that it can work out very well. No guarantees, but it can.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Jackie wrote, I changed from a pre vet major to something else. I think somewhere in my intuition I realized I would not be able to handle seeing animals suffer. It all worked out and I still love animals and enjoy them. And I went into something where I made enough money to have my pets. Oh, so interesting. She just realized that something about her, the path that she was on didn't really suit her.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. And Eric said, yes. I quit a job without a backup plan because I knew I needed a massive change. Two weeks later my dad Was diagnosed with stage four cancer, and I was able to spend a lot of time with him before he died a few months later. Two months after that, I started a fulfilling career helping families plan and manage risk. And now I love what I do.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Oh, wow. That was good timing. And then Jacqueline had an interesting observation. She wrote, the universe hates a void. Once you clear away the not so good, it will provide you a much better opportunity to fill that void. Interesting. Lori, have you ever quit without a backup plan?

[Lori Gottlieb]

Oh, absolutely.

[Gretchen Rubin]

What'd you do?

[Lori Gottlieb]

I quit my job when I had a vague idea that maybe I wanted to go to medical school.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Was that a backup plan, though, or not a backup plan? Or did you quit really without that in mind?

[Lori Gottlieb]

I had that in mind. I hadn't done any of the work to figure out what would I need to do. How would this work? Is it even possible? I just knew that I did not want to do what I was doing. And like a lot of the people who wrote in, the longer I stayed, the less I was able to have the space to think about, what do I want to do? Even if you're unhappy, it's somehow easier to stay than it is to say, okay, I'm going to take the leap. But I think taking the leap gives you the space to figure out what your next steps are.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, well, it's related to the sunk cost fallacy, which is you're like, I've put so much into this career. How can I walk away even if I think that if I walk away and start over, I'd ultimately be happier? What a great example. I love that.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. And what about you, Gretchen? Have you done something like that?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, I did leave law to become a writer. I think I had it as a backup plan. Like, I had something that I was working on that I was gonna try to use to get an agent and try to get a book deal. I had a book called how to Write and Sell youl Nonfiction book proposal, and I was following the directions. So looking back, it didn't seem like much of a backup plan. But at the time, it felt like, okay, like, I have my to do list. I had an idea of where I was going. So it felt like backup plan at the time. So I guess I'm part of the 33% of people who have not done

[Lori Gottlieb]

this, and you're the one, because everybody that wrote in was part of the 67%. So I'm glad you're representing the 33. I'm sure there are more of you out there if you're part of the 33%. Let us know. We'd love to hear from you too.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Coming up, we'll share the question that we'll be discussing in depth next week. You can listen now and so you have time to consider how you would respond. It's a question question related to a subject that comes up a lot on this podcast. A question about secrets, who a secret belongs to, and whether to keep them. But first, this break.

[Lori Gottlieb]

This message comes from Harvard Business School Executive Education now is the time to

[Gretchen Rubin]

invest in yourself and change the world with your voice. Our programs connect you with faculty at the forefront of of their fields, introduce you to a global network of leaders, and help you step into your full potential.

[Lori Gottlieb]

The next chapter is yours. Let us help you write it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Apply today to accelerate your future.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Learn more at hbs Me Accelerate. That's hbs Me Accelerate.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I've been noticing how much easier mornings are when my closet just works. Not more options, just better ones. Pieces that feel good, fit right, and don't require a second thought. That's where Quince really stands out.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Quince makes it easy to refresh your everyday wardrobe with pieces that feel as good as they look. They use premium materials like 100% European linen, organic cotton and ultra soft denim,

[Gretchen Rubin]

and the range is surprisingly accessible. Their lightweight linen pants, dresses and tops start at $30 and they're the kind of pieces you can wear on, repeat without getting tired of of them.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Everything at Quint's is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen, so you're paying for quality and craftsmanship, not brand markup.

[Gretchen Rubin]

What stood out for me was the fabric. There's a structure to it, but it still feels easy and comfortable. And honestly, when you see the price, you kind of pause for a second and double check.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Head to quince.com since you ask for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q U I N C E dot com since you asked for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com since you asked.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

Hey, it's Julie, Louis Dreyfus from Wiser Than Me, et cetera. Just popping in with a little reality check. Food waste shouldn't exist. There is no reason that our leftovers should end up in a landfill, but that's the fine destination for about a third of the food we grow. Our ancestors would be confused. They use their food scraps as compost or as animal feed or in weird soups. All the stuff we did before garbage was invented. But composting is hard work. Living with a bucket of rotten food on your counter is gross. Most food goes in the trash because it's easy. And these days we'll take any easy we can get. But now there's something easier. Drop your scraps in a mill food recycler. It looks like a kitchen bin and an iPhone had a baby. It takes nearly anything, even meat and bones. It works automatically. You can keep filling it for weeks and it never smells. When you finally empty it, you've got these nutrient rich grounds. Use them in your garden, pour them in your green bin, or have Mill get them to a small farm so the food you don't eat can help grow the food you do. Just like it should be. It's why I own a mill, why I invest in mill, and why I'm still obsessed with my mill. If you want to get obsessed too, go to mill.com wiser to get $75 off that's mill.com wiser for $75 off.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And now we're at our last question of the day. We're going to tackle this next week, but in the meantime, don't forget to send us your questions. And especially we're looking for questions about goodbyes and endings. If you have a dilemma about a goodbye or an ending, please send that to [e-mail] and in the meantime, here is the question that we are going to talk about in the next episode. It goes like this.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It comes from someone who wanted to remain anonymous and she writes, My husband died suddenly in an accident seven years ago when our children were in college. While looking for business documents, I discovered weeks after his death that he had been having an affair for two years before he died. At the time, I chose not to tell my children in their grief and only shared this with a few close friends. In the years since, I have journaled extensively about this betrayal. My children are now in their late 20s and I am questioning if I should ever tell them about the affair or continue to keep this secret and protect their father's legacy. Just last week I found another letter from the affair and am now worried that if something happens to me, my kids would learn about this from my writings or from documents I have not found. Would it be better for them to hear this from me or take the chance that they will never learn about the affair and still believe their dad was a faithful husband? So, secrets Again, this comes up in so many different contexts. There's so many painful challenges related to these secrets.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah, we had a question similar to this last season, but the person was still alive although he was dying. In that instance, it was one of the adult children who knew and not the wife. And here it's the wife and not the adult children. So we are going to talk about this in depth next week and if you have thoughts about it, let us know.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And that's it for today. It is great to be back for season three. So again, remember to send us your questions, your comments. We love reading them. We read them all. We want to hear any dilemma that you're facing, whether big or small. And it is such a help to us if you recommend the show to a friend, if you rate or review us. And again, if you want to get in touch, it's theSense you ask podcast.com and remember, whether this podcast changes your life or just makes you laugh. We're glad glad you're here.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Since you asked is for entertainment purposes only and isn't a substitute for professional

[Gretchen Rubin]

advice, by sending us your question, you're

[Lori Gottlieb]

agreeing we may use it on the show and edit it for length or clarity.