Podcast Summary: Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin

Episode: Should You Keep a Dying Parent’s Secret? Plus: Making Peace With Yourself
Release Date: February 24, 2026
Hosts: Lori Gottlieb (psychotherapist, author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone), Gretchen Rubin (happiness researcher, author of The Happiness Project)
Episode Theme:
This episode dives into the ethical and emotional complexities of keeping a family secret at the request of a dying parent, with a listener’s letter at the center. It also explores the process of making peace with things that once caused distress, featuring community responses in the “Wisdom of Crowds” segment.

Main Theme and Purpose

Lori and Gretchen tackle a listener’s challenging dilemma: Should they promise to keep the secret of a dying father’s affair and the existence of secret half-siblings, or is it wrong to erase these siblings from their life and continue the lie, especially as the consequences ripple through the entire family? The conversation broadens into questions of loyalty, integrity, and the emotional burden of secrets. In the latter half, the hosts and their audience share candid reflections on making peace with formerly upsetting issues.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Listener Letters: Messy Rooms and Relationship Dilemmas (04:29–12:58)

• Updates from Previous Letters:
  • Messy rooms: Listeners shared stories about managing children’s clutter. Some parents eventually reframe the frustration ("I realized I would miss that mess… regret giving her grief over it" – Joel, 09:11). Hosts discuss the Clutterbug system (06:22), the difference between “abundance lovers” and “simplicity lovers,” and granting independence to kids in their own spaces.
  • Clingy boyfriend: Listener Laura flags texting for reassurance as a "big red flag" (Laura, 10:12), prompting Lori to urge caution but still recommend a conversation before ending the relationship.
  • Daughter’s concern about mother’s bad breath: Recommendation to use a Ted Lasso episode as a starting point for a tough conversation (11:18).

The Main Dilemma: Should You Keep a Dying Parent’s Secret? (13:46–24:43)

Letter Summary (12:38–13:46)

• Listener’s dying father reveals he has two 29-year-old children from an affair three decades ago and asks the listener never to contact them or reveal their existence, for fear of devastating his wife (the listener’s mother). The half-siblings lost their own mother and don’t know their biological father is dying. The listener is conflicted about promising to keep this secret.

Breakdown of Discussion

• The Burden of Secrets (13:49–14:32):
  • “Secrets tend to have consequences that aren't just about the secret keeper and the person the secret is hidden from. And he's asking someone else to keep a secret. That puts her in a really difficult situation.” – Lori Gottlieb (13:49)
  • Citing Carl Jung: “secrets are psychic poison.”
• Timing & Missed Opportunities (14:32–15:22):
  • Gretchen notes it would have been easier to resolve during the health scare five years prior.
• Who Are We Protecting? (15:22–16:42):
  • Lori questions the true motivation for secrecy, "I think we tell ourselves sometimes that we're not telling the secret… to protect others, but often we're protecting ourselves." (15:12)
• Potential Consequences of Ongoing Secrecy:
  • The pain for the mother could deepen if she learns the truth after her husband’s death, with no chance to get answers.
  • “His wife is gonna be in pain either way. Because she will find out. I really think she will. Secrets surface, they just tend to.” – Lori Gottlieb (15:41)
• Options for Responding to the Father (19:26–21:36):
  • Option 1: The gentle promise (Gretchen, 19:46): Reassure the father without making an absolute promise: “I hear how important this is to you… I cannot now promise to erase my half-siblings from existence, but I can promise to be very thoughtful about any decision I might make in the future, and you can trust me to handle this thoughtfully.”
  • Option 2: Lie, make the promise, then choose freely later (Gretchen, 20:24).
  • Option 3: Assert boundaries, place responsibility with the parents (Lori, 20:24–21:36): “It's not really fair to ask me to [keep your marital secrets]… you have an opportunity now… to deal with it how you want to deal with it between you and Mom. But I just want to be your loving daughter. I don't want to be your secret keeper.”
• Ethical and Emotional Weights:
  • “Somebody's going to be unhappy. So you have to make a choice knowing that you made the best decision you could make in this moment under the circumstances.” – Lori (19:29)
  • Gretchen admits, “maybe that's not the most admirable answer… It’s just the time for that conversation has passed.” (22:07)
• Half-siblings’ Perspective:
  • The hosts highlight the impact on the half-siblings, who’ve lost their mother and may never get to say goodbye to their biological father.
• Reflection on Integrity in Old Age:
  • “There are these stages of development… The last stage is integrity vs. despair. If you live your life with integrity, or if you feel you have, you die differently.” – Lori (23:10)
• General Advice on Secrets:
  • “When the truth comes out, people tend to be freed in some way… The sooner you tell a secret, the better it is for everybody.” – Lori (24:19)

Notable Quotes

• “Secrets tend to have consequences that aren't just about the secret keeper and the person the secret is hidden from.” – Lori Gottlieb (13:49)
• “Who are we protecting?... Often we’re protecting ourselves from the consequences of somebody knowing this thing.” – Lori (15:12)
• “Somebody’s going to be unhappy. So you have to make a choice knowing that you made the best decision you could make in this moment under the circumstances.” – Lori (19:29)
• “The last stage [of life] is integrity versus despair... If you don’t live with integrity, you will have despair.” – Lori (23:10)
• “How much weight do we give to the wishes of a dying person?” – Gretchen Rubin (24:43)

Wisdom of Crowds: Making Peace With Things That Upset You (29:43–33:20)

Question to Listeners

“What’s something you’ve made peace with that used to upset you?”

Selected Listener Responses

• Expectations of Family: “That my expectations of relationships with family members are not always going to be a reality.” – Joy (30:01)

• Self-Acceptance: “My own nature. I’m neurodivergent and used to wear a mask… now I have taken off the mask and the face behind it is my real self. Thank God." – Kashif (30:10)

• Letting Go of Relationships: “My beautiful, talented adult son going no contact for reasons unknown, grieved for years, had to let it go or it would have killed me.” – Michelle (30:33)

• Limits of Others: “People could only meet you at the depth they’ve met themselves.” – Marilyn (30:43)

• Practical Concerns: “Customer service is not the way it used to be… learned to accept it and have more patience.” – Andrea (31:03)

• Gratitude reframing: “I’ve shifted from I HAVE to to I GET to. I get to do the laundry, meaning I have clothes to wash. I have family to dress. I get to pay this bill… I am grateful for these luxuries." – Christina (32:58)

Hosts’ Takeaways

• Gretchen shares making peace with her own temperament: “It’s part of my nature that I don’t often have a sense of pleasant anticipation… now I’m like, I’m not a person who has a lot of pleasant anticipation, but I have a ton of fun and it doesn’t stop me from doing things.” (33:26–34:01)

Question for Next Week (38:38–40:38)

Blue Dot Bullying:

A parent asks for advice about their teenage son being ostracized for having an Android phone (the “green dot”) instead of an iPhone (the “blue dot”)—raising questions about peer inclusion, social technology, and parental boundaries.

Memorable Moments & Quotes

• On messy rooms and empty nests:
  “I would miss that mess because that mess comes with her presence, and regret giving her any grief over it.” – Joel, 09:11

• On the pain of secrets:
  “His wife is gonna be in pain either way. Because she will find out. I really think she will. Secrets surface, they just tend to.” – Lori, 15:41

• On the unsettling permanence of loss:
  “My brother hastily threw out many of my family’s VHS home movies when cleaning out my parents’ house… I had to let that go pretty quickly because there’s nothing we can do about it.” – Jeanine (32:18)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Listener Feedback & Updates: 04:29–12:58
• Main Dilemma (Dying Father’s Secret): 13:46–24:43
• Notable Quotes on Integrity/Secrets: 19:29, 22:07, 23:10
• Audience Wisdom (Making Peace): 29:43–33:20
• Hosts’ Personal Sharing: 33:26–34:01
• Question for Next Episode (Blue/Green Dot Bullying): 38:38–40:38

Overall Tone & Takeaways

• Warm, empathetic, and honest; Lori and Gretchen gently probe uncomfortable truths with compassion for all parties.
• The episode reinforces the complexity of family secrets, the importance of integrity, and the reality that the passage of time can change both perspectives and emotional responses.
• Listeners and hosts alike demonstrate growth through acceptance and reframing—making peace with what can’t be controlled.

To submit your dilemmas or responses, visit: thesinceyouaskpodcast.com
Next week: Parental/teen challenges with tech-related social exclusion.

End of summary.