Should You Keep a Dying Parent’s Secret? Plus: Making Peace With Yourself

Summary

Podcast Summary: Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin

Episode: Should You Keep a Dying Parent’s Secret? Plus: Making Peace With Yourself
Release Date: February 24, 2026
Hosts: Lori Gottlieb (psychotherapist, author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone), Gretchen Rubin (happiness researcher, author of The Happiness Project)
Episode Theme:
This episode dives into the ethical and emotional complexities of keeping a family secret at the request of a dying parent, with a listener’s letter at the center. It also explores the process of making peace with things that once caused distress, featuring community responses in the “Wisdom of Crowds” segment.

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Main Theme and Purpose

Lori and Gretchen tackle a listener’s challenging dilemma: Should they promise to keep the secret of a dying father’s affair and the existence of secret half-siblings, or is it wrong to erase these siblings from their life and continue the lie, especially as the consequences ripple through the entire family? The conversation broadens into questions of loyalty, integrity, and the emotional burden of secrets. In the latter half, the hosts and their audience share candid reflections on making peace with formerly upsetting issues.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Listener Letters: Messy Rooms and Relationship Dilemmas (04:29–12:58)

• Updates from Previous Letters:
  • Messy rooms: Listeners shared stories about managing children’s clutter. Some parents eventually reframe the frustration ("I realized I would miss that mess… regret giving her grief over it" – Joel, 09:11). Hosts discuss the Clutterbug system (06:22), the difference between “abundance lovers” and “simplicity lovers,” and granting independence to kids in their own spaces.
  • Clingy boyfriend: Listener Laura flags texting for reassurance as a "big red flag" (Laura, 10:12), prompting Lori to urge caution but still recommend a conversation before ending the relationship.
  • Daughter’s concern about mother’s bad breath: Recommendation to use a Ted Lasso episode as a starting point for a tough conversation (11:18).

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The Main Dilemma: Should You Keep a Dying Parent’s Secret? (13:46–24:43)

Letter Summary (12:38–13:46)

• Listener’s dying father reveals he has two 29-year-old children from an affair three decades ago and asks the listener never to contact them or reveal their existence, for fear of devastating his wife (the listener’s mother). The half-siblings lost their own mother and don’t know their biological father is dying. The listener is conflicted about promising to keep this secret.

Breakdown of Discussion

• The Burden of Secrets (13:49–14:32):
  • “Secrets tend to have consequences that aren't just about the secret keeper and the person the secret is hidden from. And he's asking someone else to keep a secret. That puts her in a really difficult situation.” – Lori Gottlieb (13:49)
  • Citing Carl Jung: “secrets are psychic poison.”
• Timing & Missed Opportunities (14:32–15:22):
  • Gretchen notes it would have been easier to resolve during the health scare five years prior.
• Who Are We Protecting? (15:22–16:42):
  • Lori questions the true motivation for secrecy, "I think we tell ourselves sometimes that we're not telling the secret… to protect others, but often we're protecting ourselves." (15:12)
• Potential Consequences of Ongoing Secrecy:
  • The pain for the mother could deepen if she learns the truth after her husband’s death, with no chance to get answers.
  • “His wife is gonna be in pain either way. Because she will find out. I really think she will. Secrets surface, they just tend to.” – Lori Gottlieb (15:41)
• Options for Responding to the Father (19:26–21:36):
  • Option 1: The gentle promise (Gretchen, 19:46): Reassure the father without making an absolute promise: “I hear how important this is to you… I cannot now promise to erase my half-siblings from existence, but I can promise to be very thoughtful about any decision I might make in the future, and you can trust me to handle this thoughtfully.”
  • Option 2: Lie, make the promise, then choose freely later (Gretchen, 20:24).
  • Option 3: Assert boundaries, place responsibility with the parents (Lori, 20:24–21:36): “It's not really fair to ask me to [keep your marital secrets]… you have an opportunity now… to deal with it how you want to deal with it between you and Mom. But I just want to be your loving daughter. I don't want to be your secret keeper.”
• Ethical and Emotional Weights:
  • “Somebody's going to be unhappy. So you have to make a choice knowing that you made the best decision you could make in this moment under the circumstances.” – Lori (19:29)
  • Gretchen admits, “maybe that's not the most admirable answer… It’s just the time for that conversation has passed.” (22:07)
• Half-siblings’ Perspective:
  • The hosts highlight the impact on the half-siblings, who’ve lost their mother and may never get to say goodbye to their biological father.
• Reflection on Integrity in Old Age:
  • “There are these stages of development… The last stage is integrity vs. despair. If you live your life with integrity, or if you feel you have, you die differently.” – Lori (23:10)
• General Advice on Secrets:
  • “When the truth comes out, people tend to be freed in some way… The sooner you tell a secret, the better it is for everybody.” – Lori (24:19)

Notable Quotes

• “Secrets tend to have consequences that aren't just about the secret keeper and the person the secret is hidden from.” – Lori Gottlieb (13:49)
• “Who are we protecting?... Often we’re protecting ourselves from the consequences of somebody knowing this thing.” – Lori (15:12)
• “Somebody’s going to be unhappy. So you have to make a choice knowing that you made the best decision you could make in this moment under the circumstances.” – Lori (19:29)
• “The last stage [of life] is integrity versus despair... If you don’t live with integrity, you will have despair.” – Lori (23:10)
• “How much weight do we give to the wishes of a dying person?” – Gretchen Rubin (24:43)

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Wisdom of Crowds: Making Peace With Things That Upset You (29:43–33:20)

Question to Listeners

“What’s something you’ve made peace with that used to upset you?”

Selected Listener Responses

• Expectations of Family: “That my expectations of relationships with family members are not always going to be a reality.” – Joy (30:01)

• Self-Acceptance: “My own nature. I’m neurodivergent and used to wear a mask… now I have taken off the mask and the face behind it is my real self. Thank God." – Kashif (30:10)

• Letting Go of Relationships: “My beautiful, talented adult son going no contact for reasons unknown, grieved for years, had to let it go or it would have killed me.” – Michelle (30:33)

• Limits of Others: “People could only meet you at the depth they’ve met themselves.” – Marilyn (30:43)

• Practical Concerns: “Customer service is not the way it used to be… learned to accept it and have more patience.” – Andrea (31:03)

• Gratitude reframing: “I’ve shifted from I HAVE to to I GET to. I get to do the laundry, meaning I have clothes to wash. I have family to dress. I get to pay this bill… I am grateful for these luxuries." – Christina (32:58)

Hosts’ Takeaways

• Gretchen shares making peace with her own temperament: “It’s part of my nature that I don’t often have a sense of pleasant anticipation… now I’m like, I’m not a person who has a lot of pleasant anticipation, but I have a ton of fun and it doesn’t stop me from doing things.” (33:26–34:01)

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Question for Next Week (38:38–40:38)

Blue Dot Bullying:

A parent asks for advice about their teenage son being ostracized for having an Android phone (the “green dot”) instead of an iPhone (the “blue dot”)—raising questions about peer inclusion, social technology, and parental boundaries.

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• On messy rooms and empty nests:
  “I would miss that mess because that mess comes with her presence, and regret giving her any grief over it.” – Joel, 09:11

• On the pain of secrets:
  “His wife is gonna be in pain either way. Because she will find out. I really think she will. Secrets surface, they just tend to.” – Lori, 15:41

• On the unsettling permanence of loss:
  “My brother hastily threw out many of my family’s VHS home movies when cleaning out my parents’ house… I had to let that go pretty quickly because there’s nothing we can do about it.” – Jeanine (32:18)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Listener Feedback & Updates: 04:29–12:58
• Main Dilemma (Dying Father’s Secret): 13:46–24:43
• Notable Quotes on Integrity/Secrets: 19:29, 22:07, 23:10
• Audience Wisdom (Making Peace): 29:43–33:20
• Hosts’ Personal Sharing: 33:26–34:01
• Question for Next Episode (Blue/Green Dot Bullying): 38:38–40:38

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Overall Tone & Takeaways

• Warm, empathetic, and honest; Lori and Gretchen gently probe uncomfortable truths with compassion for all parties.
• The episode reinforces the complexity of family secrets, the importance of integrity, and the reality that the passage of time can change both perspectives and emotional responses.
• Listeners and hosts alike demonstrate growth through acceptance and reframing—making peace with what can’t be controlled.

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To submit your dilemmas or responses, visit: thesinceyouaskpodcast.com
Next week: Parental/teen challenges with tech-related social exclusion.

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End of summary.

Transcript

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[Laurie Gottlieb]

Lemonade. Today's advice is about whether to keep a secret Request from a Dying Father

[Gretchen Rubin]

My father is in hospice and has maybe he had an affair 30 years ago that resulted in twins. I only found out about them five years ago when he told me during a health scare.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Secrets tend to have consequences that aren't just about the secret keeper and the person the secret is hidden from.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It's a deathbed secret and the stakes are high.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Hi Gretchen, Hey Laurie, and hello everyone. Welcome to since youe Asked, a podcast where Gretchen and I give our best advice to listeners who are struggling with a dilemma. Whether big or small, we give our perspectives and of course, we also include responses from our since you asked listeners. I'm Laurie Gottlieb. I'm a psychotherapist and the author of maybe youe Should Talk to Someone. I also write the Ask the Therapist advice column for the New York Times.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness and human nature. I'm the author of many books, including

[Laurie Gottlieb]

the Happiness Project, and today we'll be giving advice on what to do when you're being asked to keep a family secret by your dying father. We'll also be talking about making peace with things that used to upset you, and we have updates from you on recent letters that we've discussed. As always, if you have a question for us, go to theseinceyouasspodcast.com and we might feature it on an upcoming episode.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Let's jump into some updates. These are responses that listeners have sent us from issues and questions that we've talked about before. And the first one, Laurie, I think you and I very much identified with this listener's question what to do with a teenager who has a messy bedroom that is driving you bonkers.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

So Joelle said you triggered a memory from about 40 years ago. My teenage daughter's bedroom was so cluttered it was a hazard. I remember standing in the doorway One evening when I went to say goodnight to her and there was not even a path from the door to her bed, I said, unless I can walk from here to there without risking a broken ankle, I you will have to at least clear a path. The next night, the room was as cluttered as ever, but there was a clear path from the door to her bed. Well, that's a good compromise.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, that's a good compromise.

Rebecca said. Clutterbug helped me identify my 11 year old son as a butterfly.

I couldn't work out why he had to have such a messy room and so much stuff. While I like to have everything neat and tidy behind clothes, drawers and doors, so I'm learning to find clear bins or shelves that make it easier for him to see and find his stuff. So I still try to get him to tidy to some degree and cull as needed. But I've realized I have to work with his personality and what suits him. Now, this is interesting. If you're not familiar with this system, it's an organizational system called Clutterbug and it divides people into different insects. If you're a butterfly, this is a person who's visual, who is not into detailed organization that likes to see their belongings to know they exist. They tend to prefer open, simple, fast organization. And so they are not people who tend to use traditional, hidden, detailed storage methods. So it makes sense to think I'm one way, my son is a different way. So the systems that work for me do not work for him. And the preferences that I have are not his preferences. So it's not that anybody's right or

wrong, but how do we work it out amongst ourselves?

This is a very interesting way of seeing how people have different preferences in their organizational styles.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And I noticed when I was looking at these different styles that some people really do need to be able to see things through those clear bins. Like when my son was little, he could see with the clear bins what was in each drawer. So it wasn't that things had to be left out, it was, you could put them away. But he just needed to know in his mind, oh, I like to look and see where they are.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I'm just the opposite. That's just visual clutter right there. We often think, well, if it works for me, it should work for you. And it's very helpful to have systems like this that remind us that people really come to questions with very different answers.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

But even as adults think in kitchens, you know how some people, you can see all the dishes through the cabinets. And they love that because it's very convenient for them. That would drive me bananas.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

I don't wanna look at it. It's too distracting.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, exactly.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Mary said, I love the term abundance lover. That's exactly how I feel about all my carefully placed, densely packed mementos and tidbits of beauty. So I think Gretchen, you described, was it Eleanor who's an abundance lover?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. So abundance lovers are people who love profusion and buzz and a lot going on and a lot on the walls and the shelves and stuff on every surface. And it's not that it's clutter because it's all intentional. It's very intentional. It's very purposefully arranged. My daughter Eleanor, it's like every service is covered, but she'd notice if you took anything away. Whereas I'm a simplicity lover. Lori, I think you're a simplicity lover too. Bear counters. Maybe one little vase on a shelf. A lot of space. A lot of things just cleared out. Simplicity. And again, it's not that anybody's right or anybody's wrong. It's just that people really have different preferences. And so I think if you're a simplicity lover, abundance lovers can seem overwhelming and cluttered. And if you're an abundance lover, the environment of a simplicity lover can feel stripped and bare and sterile. But you just have to realize that's the way some people like it.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And to that point, Teresa said the idea of it's her space, let it be has kept me centered in the face of my daughter's very messy room. So for her daughter, it maybe doesn't feel that messy. Maybe she's an abundance lover too.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Lori, you were saying how you felt like it was a way to give a child independence, let them have control of their space.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah, he could keep his room the way that he wanted as long as it was hygienic. No food left over in there, as long as the rest of the house. He would clean up the shared spaces, but his room was his room.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Terry said, I used to berate my daughter for her messy room daily. I recently helped her unpack and organize her kitchen after a cross country move. I was truly proud of myself and for not questioning why she had 57 bowls of all shapes and sizes.

I organized them by size and purpose

and she was thrilled I was too.

Okay, that sounds like an abundance lover.

She wants a lot of bowls, although

[Laurie Gottlieb]

she was thrilled when they were organized.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That's true.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Joel said our youngest daughter's room is the same. Facing the empty nest. I came to realize that I would miss that mess because that mess comes with her presence and regret giving her any grief over it, as I regret giving her grief over almost any everything I thought was so important at the time, but really wasn't. When we visited her at college a few weeks ago, the kitchen in her apartment was a wreck. I didn't say a word. I just hand washed all of the dirty dishes and cleaned the kitchen and spent every second enjoying her presence that she would allow.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Because I'm thinking a lot about the empty nest.

One thing that comes up over and over is people saying, I really wish

that I had let some things slide.

I really wish that we hadn't had

big fights about things that now, even

with just a little bit of perspective, I realized didn't really matter.

And I wish we'd had more fun

together and not argued about little things. And so it's a good reminder. Is this what you want to fight about?

Maybe it is and maybe it isn't.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah, the things that feel really big in the moment are not going to feel big later on. It's really hard in the moment to know what those things are.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

We also got a response on the boyfriend who texts a lot during the day for reassurance and is from Laura. She wrote, I'm responding to the boyfriend who needed frequent texts during the day, even at work for reassurance. I see big red flags in this relationship. Run, don't walk. This seems like the beginning stages of control and possessive behavior. He needs help and I hope he gets the help he needs. Great show. Thank you. Well, thank you, Laura. We like that you like the show and our advice was similar that this is probably something that does not bode well in terms of some attachment style that maybe he needs to work on. But I want to give him the benefit of the doubt first and see if having a conversation does result in some kind of change. And if not, then I think Laura is spot on.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I wonder if Laura is speaking from experience.

I would be curious to know if

that came out of something that she faced in her own life.

Yeah, it's always interesting to know what people's experiences are.

And then we got a response on the question of the mother who had

bad breath and the loving daughter who wanted to bring it up and didn't know how to bring up such a sensitive subject.

Christine wrote for the daughter struggling with

telling her mother about bad breath once she has addressed it. I would suggest following up by watching the Christmas episode in season two of Ted Lasso, one of the storylines focuses on a character being bullied at school for bad breath. It turns out to be a medical issue and could be fixed. In true Ted Lasso form, the bully is also handled with grace and tact and all ends well. It's heartwarming and they might find it funny as the issue is treated with humor and love. Sometimes this is from a medical condition that you really want to address, but I love the idea that there's a way to see it up on the screen that might be fun to discuss. But if she's still wondering whether to tell her mother, she might watch it herself first and it might give her some ideas about how she wants to broach it with her mother.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

It's sometimes so much easier to see something being played out in somebody else's life and then it just doesn't feel as overwhelming.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, so we appreciate all the input. We love to hear everybody's responses to the questions that we talk about here.

And now.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Let's get into today's advice. We left you with this very, very tricky question at the end of last week's episode, and it's about whether to keep a secret request from a dying father, even though keeping the secret has significant consequences for this listener. This listener wants to be anonymous and

[Host 1 (Podcast Host or Advertiser)]

here's what she wrote.

[Gretchen Rubin]

My father is in hospice and has maybe two months left. He had an affair 30 years ago that resulted in twins, a boy and a girl, who are now 29. My mother never knew. He paid child support quietly, and he's had minimal contact with them their whole lives. I only found out about them five years ago when he told me during a health scare. Now he's asking me to promise I'll never reach out to them. He says it would destroy my mother to find out, and his greatest fear is dying knowing his secret might come out. He wants me to let them fade away and just act like they don't exist. But I keep thinking about them. They're my siblings. They lost their mom two years ago and now they're about to lose their dad. Except they don't even know he's dying because he won't tell them. I looked them both up online. The girl lives 40 minutes from me. Do I promise him this so he can die in peace even if it's a lie? Or do I tell him I can't make that promise and let him spend his final weeks worried? I don't even know what I want to do about my half siblings yet, but the idea of promising to erase them forever feels wrong.

Wow.

This Is a deathbed secret. And the stakes are high.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah, they're high for so many people. Which is why I keep going back to Carl Jung and how he called secrets psychic poison. That secrets tend to have consequences. That aren't just about the secret keeper and the person the secret is hidden from. And he's asking someone else to keep a secret. That puts her in a really difficult situation. I have a lot of empathy for everybody in this situation. I understand that he does not want the secret to come out. Because he does not want to cause pain to his wife. Whom it sounds like he loves very much. But keeping the secret all these years has caused more pain than revealing it. Probably Would have had he done this 30 years ago.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It came up five years ago. And you think that would have been a really good time to deal with this. Because there was the health scare. He broke the secret by telling his daughter. But he didn't then deal with it with his wife. And so now he's in hospice. And he's frantic with worry. Because he's worried that the secret is coming out.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

I also think that there's this question of who are we protecting? I think we tell ourselves sometimes that we're not telling the secret. Cause we don't wanna hurt other people. But often we're protecting ourselves from the consequences of somebody knowing this thing that we know is gonna be difficult to absorb.

[Gretchen Rubin]

But sometimes we also know that the secret will cause tremendous pain. So it's a hard situation. But part of the thing is that you're frantic with fear as he is.

Because you're so, so worried that the

secret will come out in an uncontrolled way. If you take control of the secret, you can choose your time and manner. And help the person work through it. I think part of the problem here is that if the mother were to find out. The father will be gone. And they won't be able to work through it or talk about it.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

That's the issue. His wife is gonna be in pain either way. Because she will find out. I really think she will. Secrets surface, they just tend to.

[Gretchen Rubin]

But it hasn't come out yet. I don't know about that. Or maybe she already knows.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah, we don't really know. But I think the important part of this is that if she does find out, the risk is so high that. Let's say there's a low probability that she finds out. We'll go with your theory. I think there's a higher probability that she'll find out. But let's say that there's a low probability. But if she does, the pain that it will cause will be so much worse if she isn't able to talk to her husband about it while he's here. Because now she's going to be holding this whole thing. She'll have a million questions that won't be able to be addressed. So will she be hurt? Obviously. But what if she can process this with him a little bit and he can die knowing that he did something to help her? His whole reason for keeping the secret is that he doesn't want to hurt her. But here's a way to hurt her less.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I don't think that the listener is even contemplating that. I don't think she's even thinking that she's going to tell her mother. She hasn't even asked about that.

She's wondering about the promise to tell her father that she'll never contact her half siblings.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Right. But what she can do is she can say, I don't feel comfortable keeping this secret. Partly because now I have to feel like I'm lying to my mom. Every time I'm with my mom and I know this piece, I am lying by omission because I know that this is something that she should know. Why should the daughter be the keeper of the secret where she feels like I'm the one now who's lying? You were lying before, but now I'm lying because I have this information.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay, but she's had the secret for five years, and so the time to do it is then because now her

father is in hospice.

And so, again, it's better to deal

with these things when you are the

most in command of the situation, because you don't have an infinite amount of time to think about it. It's hard to imagine someone in their last days after having kept this secret for 30 years broaching it.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Having seen so many people with secrets in therapy for so long, I have never seen a secret come out that, as painful as it is, did not create a better situation, no matter how painful or how hurtful. And there's so many other players involved in this. The kids themselves, who don't even know that their father is dying. If this were to come out, the kids could maybe say goodbye to this father. There would be more room for. If the daughter wants to have some contact with the half siblings, there'd be more room for that. The mother would have a way to process this really, really painful secret that, again, I think will somehow come out.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I don't know, because maybe she won't find out. Or maybe she already knows, and that's like a double loss right at this very end. I don't know. I think it's a really tough situation.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

But think about this. The daughter. Then let's say that she says, okay, I'm going to keep this secret. Then she's lying to her father. Maybe because she might. She said she is curious about the siblings.

[Gretchen Rubin]

But there's more options than just I say yes to my father, I lie to him, or I say yes to my father, and then I deny my own sense of what I might want to do in the future. There are options in between those binaries. As to what you say to the father, are there ways that you can give him reassurance about what he seems so worried about and yet be true to yourself and your own values? That seems to be an easier issue.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Okay, so let's talk about what is our advice.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Mm.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

So somebody's gonna be unhappy. So you have to make a choice knowing that you made the best decision you could make in this moment under the circumstances. So here are the different ways you could approach this. Let's talk about Gretchen. The gentle promise that you were alluding

[Gretchen Rubin]

to, where you say something like, I hear how important this is to you, that you're very worried about Mom. You do not want her to find out. I cannot now promise to erase my half siblings from existence, but I can promise to be very thoughtful about any decision I might make in the future, and you can trust me to handle this thoughtfully with everybody's wellbeing in mind. So you really give the reassurance that I hear you, how worried you are about protecting my mother. So that's one thing you could do. You can just lie to him and say, oh, I promise, I promise, and then go off and do whatever you want after he's gone.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Or you can say something like, I love you so much, and I'm so sorry you're anguished about this, but this is something between you and mom, and I'm your daughter, and it's not my place to keep your marital secrets, and it's not really fair to ask me to. And you can suggest that maybe now is a good time to think about how you can make this the least painful for you and mom, given that she might find out anyway. That would have nothing to do with me. And maybe it's an opportunity to end things with integrity, and maybe it'll be a better way to say goodbye. She can say, all that's up to you, Dad. I just want to Be your daughter and love you. I don't want to be your secret keeper. Now he's worried about this. No matter what, I do think that number three is the most honest answer where you're not saying, I'm going to go tell. You're just saying, look, this isn't for me. I'm not your secret keeper. I don't know what decisions I will make in the future. It's not my place. You gave me this information. It's really between you and Mom. You have an opportunity right now, while you're still here, to deal with it how you want to deal with it between you and Mom. But I just want to be your loving daughter. I don't want to be your secret keeper.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And what about the half siblings? What you were suggesting is really about. It's a call to integrity with the mother.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And the fact is, dad, now that you've told me that these siblings exist, I am curious about them. I don't know at this moment what kind of contact I will or will not have with them. I don't know if I will have any contact with them. But I am curious and I can't promise you what you're asking. So of those options, Gretchen, I think you're leaning more toward the first one.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I am. And maybe that's not the most admirable one, because I do think that this idea of, could you come into honesty? Could you say, look, this happened 30 years ago. I've regretted it ever since. I've really tried to do right by these kids, but also right by you. And I've always wanted to protect you. That is a very beautiful idea that you could do that and get that resolved. And that would really be an extraordinary thing to do. And I can imagine that. I can also imagine that it's just the time for that conversation has passed. It's too late for something as emotionally demanding as that, and that this is somebody who is out of their mind with worry in their last days. And it might be the thing to just say, I hear you. I understand. I absolutely will carry out your wishes as the best that I can about my mother. But with the half siblings, I really don't know what decision I'm gonna make in the future, But I'm gonna keep in mind what's important to you. Again, all these things are so situational. It's the people, it's his health. It's all these things that come to bear.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

It reminds me of. There are these stages of development that we go through psychologically, and the Last stage is integrity versus despair. And what that means is if you live your life with integrity or if you feel like you have that you die differently, then if you don't live with integrity, you will have despair. And that's what he's experiencing. He's experiencing the despair of not having lived with integrity around this. Now he thinks that he was trying to do the right thing, protect my wife, take care of the kids. But he's really in despair right now and he might have a better death if he dies with some sense of integrity. There's no great answer here. We should just say that up front. It's going to be incredibly painful. But when the truth comes out, people tend to be freed in some way. And I personally believe that the mom would do better knowing while he's still alive. And so would the daughter, and so would the other siblings, and so would he. This is such a hard situation all around, but I do think that the takeaway for all of us to think about is if you're keeping a secret, why are you keeping the secret? Who are you trying to protect? And maybe what you imagine we had on the podcast a couple of weeks ago about the woman who wanted her sister to tell the 14 year old that she was conceived using donor eggs. And the sooner you tell a secret, the better it is for everybody. Yes, the longer you wait, the harder it's gonna become, as this illustrates.

[Gretchen Rubin]

But here's another question that I would be really fascinated to hear how listeners view it. One of the issues swirling around in this situation is the wishes of a dying person. How much weight do we give to the wishes of a dying person? How do we think about that, especially if they are not what we would do. I'm very interested in organ donation, and one of the things that's interesting about organ donation is that even if a family of somebody who wants to be an organ donor does not want them to be an organ donor, particularly if they know that the person themselves wanted

[Host 2 (Podcast Host or Advertiser)]

to be an organ donor, they will respect those wishes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And so in many ways, we really do take very seriously the wishes of a dying person. We want to respect those, but it can get complicated. So I would be fascinated to hear how people weigh in on that question as well. Let us know. Weigh in thesesensorywasspodcast.com so much going on. Yeah. Coming up, it's time for our popular segment, Wisdom of Crowds, where we report on your responses to a thought provoking question. This time it's about making peace with

something that used to upset you but first this break.

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Exactly.

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[Laurie Gottlieb]

And we're back. We have a wisdom of crowds and I love this one because it shows that something that really bothers us might not always bother us in the same way later on. Which is good to remember in the moment. The question we asked you was what's something you've made peace with that used to upset you?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Joy said that my expectations of relationships with family members are not always going to be a reality.

Wow. Interesting.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Kashif said. My own nature. I'm neurodivergent and I used to wear a mask of hypocrisy just to fit into the neurotypical world. Don't even get me started on the level of cruelty and ridicule I face. Despite my best intentions now I have taken off the mask and the face behind it is my real self. Thank God. It's like letting your breath go after holding it for ages and ages, Michelle says.

[Gretchen Rubin]

My beautiful, talented adult son going no contact for reasons unknown, grieved for years, had to let it go or it would have killed me.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Marilyn said that people could only meet you at the depth they've met themselves.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Hmm.

[Host 2 (Podcast Host or Advertiser)]

Thought provoking.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

When we're trying to get something out of someone, we call it the dry well. There's no water in the well. Don't keep going there.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Alex said that if someone figures out a meal for me. I'm happy about it regardless of what it is.

[Guest or Advertiser]

Nice.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Andrea said. Customer service is not the way it used to be. Years ago, I always expected to be treated in a certain way at restaurants or department stores and it would frustrate me so much when the employees basically couldn't care less. But then I realized over the years many things have changed and many times customers treat employees in an unpleasant way as well. Either way, I've learned to just kind of accept it and have more patience. But if it's really obvious or bad, I will say something.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Allison said that my husband throws all of our laundry in the washer without sorting. It's getting done and at this stage in my life that's all that matters.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

This is like the dishwasher conundrum that we brought up and someone said as long as somebody else loves the dishwasher, I don't care how it's done. Ashley said, after surviving leukemia, so much seems silly now. Very little worth getting upset over.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That's an important lesson. Caroline said that my siblings and I will never agree politically. We still meet up every Sunday to visit our mother at her assisted living facility. We don't discuss anything controversial. I'm good with this.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

That's a good way to handle it. Chrissy said, people cutting me off in traffic. They may be having a hard day and for some reason in a rush and that has nothing to do with me personally.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Jeanine said, my brother hastily threw out many of my family's VHS home movies when he was cleaning out my parents house.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Oh no.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I know. I had to learn to let that go pretty quickly because there's absolutely nothing we can do about it. And being mad won't change anything. That is hard.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

We talked a couple weeks ago about controlling the controllables. This is an example of that. Lisa said that someone who I hope to build good relationships with will never like me.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Along the same lines, Laura said not everyone will like me. It used to bother me and I'd work to get people to like me more, but I'm now okay with it. You will not always be someone else's cup of tea. Good thing to keep in mind.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Christina said. I've shifted from I have to to I get to. I get to do the laundry, meaning I have clothes to wash. I have family to dress. I get to pay this bill. I have the ability to have water, electricity. I am grateful for these luxuries rather than feeling burdened by their expense. This goes back to the reframing we were just talking about.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Again. Reframe it.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

How you frame something really matters. So Gretchen, has there been anything that you have made peace with that used to bother you?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

Maybe other people feel this way too. It's part of my nature that I really look forward to things.

I don't often have a sense of pleasant anticipation. I know that I will go to something and have fun and I will have fun. I know that perfectly well.

But when people talk about really looking

forward to taking a trip or really looking forward to doing something, I don't often have that. And now I'm like, I'm not a person who has a lot of pleasant anticipation, but I have a ton of fun and it doesn't stop me from doing them. And so I've accepted that about myself and I don't look for it now or feel like I should be experiencing it. And why am I not experiencing it?

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Right. You let go of the pressure to

[Gretchen Rubin]

feel that way or the expectation for myself. That's just the way I am. Yeah.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Well, we love hearing your thoughts, so check out our socials for our next question and we will be highlighting your responses on the podcast. Coming up, we'll be sharing a new question. This involves some modern technology and relationships, but this time in a framework. Friend group but first, this break.

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[Gretchen Rubin]

This is messy love.

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Listen to Jay Shetty's new Audible original series, Messy Difficult Conversations for deeper connection.

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Before we go, as always, we will

[Gretchen Rubin]

leave you with a question to ponder, something that we'll be talking about next week. This brings up so many feelings and issues. Here it is. It's somebody who wants to remain anonymous.

[Guest or Additional Host]

Hi Gretchen and Lori, we have a dilemma and would love your insight. Our teenage son has an Android phone and he has for about a year and a half and that's been going fine. Unfortunately, here in Silicon Valley, he's one of few teens to have an Android in the world of iPhones. As a result, he's been made fun of. But the worst part is lately he's being completely left off of text threads by his friends solely because of the green dot. They refuse to include him in a text thread because the green dot is, quote annoying. They will make plans to go biking after school or on the weekends and only use the iPhone only thread, thus leaving him out. We've tried to have his close friends be upstanders and start a new thread with him in it, but they keep going back to the iPhone only thread. We have tried to have him reach out to certain friends, but if they aren't biking that day, he's completely left out of the plans. He's included in the plans that they're talking about in person at school, but when it comes to communication via text, they just won't use the thread with the green dot. My son comes home every other day begging for an iPhone. We've had many nights of tears over this and now he wants to buy a $300 refurbished phone with his own money. This seems so silly to spend so much money on a new phone when he already has one, but it breaks my heart that he's not being included over something so silly. We aren't anti Apple, but our entire house runs on Android products. Besides the cost and the learning curve of adding an Apple device, it feels like he and we would be caving to their blue dot bullying as I've coined it. We'd be giving up a lot of our parental controls seeing as we don't have an iPad or a MacBook to control a new iPhone. Please help us navigate this tricky situation and bring this issue to light as I don't think many Apple using families have any clue that this is an issue with their teens. Thank you so much.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Wow. Okay, well let us know what you think at the sense you askpodcast.com and come back next episode when we will tackle it.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And that's it for today. So many interesting points to ponder. Remember to send us your [e-mail] we love hearing them, whether big or small. And of course, please rate review Tell your friends about the podcast that is how people find us. And remember to follow our social media accounts and check out the show notes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Remember whether this podcast changes your life or just makes you laugh. We're glad you're here.

[Podcast Disclaimer Narrator]

Since youe Asked is for entertainment purposes only and isn't a substitute for professional advice. By sending us your question, you're agreeing. We may use it on the show and edit it for length or clarity.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Are you looking for ways to make your everyday life happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative? I'm Gretchen Rubin, the number one bestselling author of the Happiness Project, bringing you fresh insights and practical solutions in the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast. My co host and happiness guinea pig is my sister, Elizabeth Kraft.

[Host 2 (Podcast Host or Advertiser)]

That's me, Elizabeth Kraft, a TV writer

[Gretchen Rubin]

and producer in Hollywood.

[Host 2 (Podcast Host or Advertiser)]

Join us as we explore ideas and hacks about cultivating happiness and good habits.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Check out Happier with Gretchen Rubin from lemonada Media.